Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire

The Simpsons, season 1, episode 1. First aired December 17, 1989. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

Bart the Genius → The whole episode as text

From “Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire”: “Good one, Dad. Okay, kids, prepare to be dazzled.” — Good one, Dad. Okay, kids, prepare to be dazzled.

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About the episode

Christmas looks bleak after Marge spends the family's gift money removing Bart's new tattoo and the power plant cancels Homer's holiday bonus. Homer secretly works as a mall Santa, then takes his small paycheck to the dog track with Bart and bets it all on a long-shot greyhound, Santa's Little Helper. The dog loses, its owner abandons it, and Homer brings it home for Christmas.

Written by: Mimi Pond
Directed by: David Silverman
Production code: 7G08

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

402 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:00 The End
0:02 The End The End
0:07 Oh, careful, huh? There's no time to be careful.
0:11 We're late.
0:23 I'm sorry, excuse me.
0:25 Pardon me.
0:26 Hey, Norman. How's it going? So you got dragged down here too, huh?
0:31 How you doing, Fred?
0:32 Yeah.
0:32 Excuse me, Fred.
0:34 Oh, pardon my galoshes.
0:45 Wasn't that wonderful?
0:46 And now, Santas of many lands,
0:51 as presented by the entire second grade class.
0:54 Oh, Lisa's class. Felice Weihnachten.
0:59 That's German for Merry Christmas.
1:02 In Germany,
1:03 Santa's servant Ruprecht gives presents to good children and whipping rods to the
1:09 parents of bad ones.
1:14 Merry Kuramatsu.
1:16 I am Hotsyashi, a Japanese priest who acts like Santa Claus.
1:21 I have eyes in the back of my head, so children better behave when I'm nearby.
1:30 Now presenting Lisa Simpson as Tawanga,
1:35 the Santa Claus of the South Seas. Oh, it's Lisa.
1:39 That's ours.
1:54 And the fourth grade will now favor us with a medley
1:58 of holiday flavorants.
2:02 Now sing through the snow, in one heart's open sway,
2:07 o'er the fields we go, clapping all the way, ha ha ha,
2:12 they'll run a cocktail ring.
2:14 Isn't Bart sweet Homer? He sings like an angel.
2:19 Oh, jingle bells, Batman smells,
2:24 Robin laid an egg.
2:26 The Batmobile broke its wheel, the Joker got a...
2:30 Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells.
2:34 The fifth grade will now favor us with a zine from Charles Dickens'
2:41 A Christmas Carol. Oh, how many grades does this school have?
2:47 Dear friends of the Simpson family, we had some sadness and some gladness this year.
2:53 First, the sadness.
2:55 Our little cat, Snowball, was unexpectedly run over and went to kitty heaven.
2:59 But we bought a new little cat, Snowball 2.
3:02 So I guess life goes on.
3:04 Speaking of life going on, Grandpa is still with us, feisty as ever.
3:09 Maggie is walking by herself. Lisa got straight A's and Bart...
3:15 Well, we love Bart.
3:18 The magic of the season has touched us all.
3:21 Marge, haven't you finished that stupid letter yet?
3:23 Homer sends his love.
3:25 Happy holidays, the Simpsons. Marge, where's the extension card?
3:29 For heaven's sakes, Homer, it's in the utility drawer.
3:32 Sorry, I'm just a big kid. And I love Christmas so much.
3:37 Oh!
3:39 You're weird All right, children,
3:42 let me have those letters I'll send them to Santa's workshop at the North Pole Oh,
3:46 please, there's only one fat guy that brings us presents And his name ain't Santa
3:51 A pony?
3:53 Oh, Lisa You've asked for that for the last three years And I keep telling you,
3:58 Santa can't fit a pony into his sleigh Can't you take a hint?
4:02 But I really want a pony and I've been really, really good this year.
4:07 Oh, dear.
4:08 Maybe Bart is a little more realistic.
4:11 A tattoo?
4:12 A what? Yeah, they're cool and they last the rest of your life.
4:15 You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas.
4:18 Yeah, if you want one, you'll have to pay for it out of your own allowance.
4:21 All right. Homer.
4:23 Yeah, hello.
4:24 Marge, please.
4:26 Who's this?
4:27 May I please speak to Marge?
4:29 This is her sister, isn't it?
4:31 Is Marge there? Who shall I say is calling?
4:34 Marge, please.
4:35 It's your sister.
4:36 No.
4:38 Hello?
4:39 Hello, Marge. It's Patty.
4:41 Selma and I couldn't be more excited about seeing our baby sister for Christmas Eve.
4:46 Well, Homer and I are looking forward to your visit, too.
4:52 Somehow I doubt that Homer's excited.
4:55 Of all the men you could have married,
4:56 I don't know why you picked one who's always so rude to us.
5:00 Good one, Dad. Okay, kids, prepare to be dazzled.
5:05 Marge, turn on the juice.
5:10 What do you think, kids?
5:12 Nice try, Dad.
5:14 Just hold your horses, son.
5:16 Hey, hey, Simpson.
5:17 What is it, Flanders? Oh, do you think this looks okay?
5:24 Oh, you need them.
5:26 It's too bright.
5:28 Oh, you're a Flanders. It's a big show-off.
5:33 Kids, you want to go Christmas shopping?
5:35 I do. All right, the mall.
5:38 Go get your money.
5:39 Tell it, Marge. Where have you been hiding the Christmas money?
5:42 Oh, I have my secrets.
5:45 Turn around.
5:49 You can look now.
5:51 Oh, big jar this year.
6:13 Oh, Bart, that's so sweet.
6:16 It's the best present her mother could get, and it makes you look so dangerous.
6:23 One mother, please.
6:25 Wait a minute.
6:26 How old are you? 21, sir. Get in the chair.
6:43 Attention all personnel, please keep working during the following announcement.
6:48 And now, our boss and friend, Mr. Burns.
6:51 Hello.
6:52 I'm proud to announce that we've been able to increase safety here at the plant without
6:57 without increasing the cost to the consumer or affecting management pay raises.
7:02 However, for you semi-skilled workers, there will be no Christmas bonuses.
7:08 Oh, and one more thing.
7:11 Merry Christmas!
7:13 Oh, thank God for the big jar.
7:18 Where's that bar?
7:20 Ah!
7:27 But, Mom, I thought you'd like it.
7:33 Yes, Mrs. Simpson, we can remove your son's tattoo.
7:36 It's a simple routine involving lasers. Cool.
7:39 However, it is rather expensive, and we must insist on a cash payment up front.
7:44 Cash?
7:46 Thank God for Homer's Christmas bonus.
7:50 Ay, caramba! Now, whatever you do, boy, don't squirm.
7:54 You don't want to get this sucker near your eyes or groin.
8:02 Ow!
8:03 Quit it.
8:04 Ow!
8:05 Quit it.
8:06 Ow!
8:07 Quit it.
8:08 Ow!
8:09 Quit it. Hey, what's with this? Ow! Quit it.
8:12 It used to be a real boss tattoo.
8:14 But Mom had to spend all the Christmas money having it surgically removed.
8:22 Oh!
8:23 It's two!
8:24 The jar is empty! Oh, my God!
8:28 We're ruined.
8:29 Christmas is canceled.
8:31 No presents for anyone!
8:33 No worry, Homer.
8:34 We'll just have to stretch your Christmas bonus even further this year.
8:38 Ah! Homer? Oh, yeah, my Christmas bonus.
8:43 How silly of me.
8:45 This'll be the best Christmas yet.
8:48 The best any family ever had.
9:12 I get the feeling there's something you haven't told me, Homer Huh?
9:16 Oh, I love you, Marge Homer, you tell me that all the time Oh, good,
9:20 because I do love you And I don't deserve you as much as a guy with a fat wallet and a
9:25 credit card that won't set off that horrible beeping Well,
9:28 I think it does have something to do with your Christmas bonus I keep asking for it,
9:33 but... Marge, um, let me be honest with you Yes?
9:38 Well, I would...
9:44 I want to do the Christmas shopping this year.
9:48 Sure, okay.
9:54 Marge, marge, let's see.
9:57 Ooh, look!
10:00 Pantyhose. Practical and alluring.
10:03 A sick pack. Oh, only $4.99.
10:06 Ooh, that's a paper.
10:09 I bet Bart can think of a million things to do with these.
10:12 That just leaves little Maggie.
10:14 Oh, look, a little squeak toy.
10:17 It says it's for dogs, but she can't read.
10:21 Ow!
10:22 Oh, Simpson, it's you. Hello, Flanders. Oh, my, what a little mess we've got here.
10:28 Well, which ones are yours and which ones are mine?
10:31 Well, let's see. Oh, this one's mine, and this one's mine, and this one's mine.
10:35 And they're all yours. Hey, Mr. Simpson, you dropped your pork chop.
10:40 Give me that.
10:41 Well, happy holidays, Simpson.
10:44 Hey, Dad, this is going to be the best Christmas ever.
10:47 You bet.
10:58 What's the matter, Homer?
10:59 Somebody leave a lump of coal in your stocking?
11:02 You've been sitting there sucking on a beer all day long.
11:04 So? So it's Christmas.
11:08 Thanks, Moe.
11:10 Drinks all around!
11:12 What for the crazy getup, Barn?
11:14 I got me a part-time job working as a Santa Don at the mall.
11:19 Wow!
11:20 Can I do that? I don't know.
11:22 They're pretty selective.
11:24 Do you like children?
11:26 What do you mean? All the time? Even when they're nuts?
11:31 I certainly do. Welcome aboard, Simpson.
11:34 Pending your successful completion of our training program, that is.
11:38 Ho, ho, ho!
11:44 What is it now, Simpson?
11:45 When do we get paid?
11:47 Not a dime till Christmas Eve.
11:49 Now, from the top.
11:51 Ho, ho, ho!
11:56 Um, Dasher, Dancer,
12:00 Francer, Nixon,
12:05 Comet, Cupid, Donna Dixon. Sit down, Simpson.
12:10 And what would you like, little boy? You're not really a Santa, tubby.
12:14 Why, you little... No, no, Homer. If such an emergency arises,
12:17 you just tell them Santa's very busy this time of year, and you're one of his helpers.
12:21 Oh, I do that one, too.
12:27 Homer, why are you seven hours late? Not a word, Marcia.
12:31 I'm heading straight for the tub. Homer, my sisters are here.
12:34 Don't you want to say hello?
12:39 Daddy, Daddy, we're so glad to see you. What?
12:42 Why?
12:43 Oh, yeah.
12:45 Hello, Patty.
12:47 Hello, Selma. How was your trip?
12:49 Fine.
12:50 You both look well.
12:52 Thank you. Yeah, well, Merry Christmas.
12:55 It's Christmas.
12:56 You wouldn't know it around here. And why is that?
12:59 Well, for one thing, there's no tree. Well, I was just on my way out to get one.
13:03 Can we go to Dad? Can we? No!
13:30 Hey, you!
13:31 What do you think you're doing?
13:33 Hey! Hey! Come back here!
13:38 So, what do you think, kids?
13:41 Beauty, isn't it? Well, yay, Dad! Wait a minute, so, Dad!
13:44 Why is there a birdhouse in it? Uh, that's an ornament.
13:49 Do I smell gunpowder?
13:51 And then I want some robotoids,
13:54 and then I want a goop monster and then I want a great big giant...
13:58 Ah, son, you don't need all that junk.
14:00 I'm sure you've already got something much more important.
14:03 A decent home and a loving father who would do anything for you.
14:08 Hey, I can afford lunch. Give me a bite of that donut.
14:13 Get a load of that quote-unquote Santa. I can't believe those kids are falling for it.
14:18 Hey, Milhouse, I dare you to sit on his lap.
14:20 Oh, yeah?
14:21 Well, I dare you to yank his beard off. Ah, touche.
14:24 I hope you feel better, Santa. Oh, I will when Mrs.
14:28 Claus' sisters get out of town.
14:30 Thanks for listening, kid.
14:33 Hey, Santa, what's shaking, man?
14:35 What's your name, Bart-ner?
14:38 Uh, little partner?
14:39 Well, I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
14:41 I'm Charlie Ol' Saint Nick. Oh, yeah?
14:43 We'll just see about that.
14:45 Oh!
14:47 Homer.
14:48 I want a word with you on Santa's workshop, little boy.
14:51 Cover for me, Alfie. Don't kill me, Dad.
14:54 I didn't know it was you. Nobody knows. It's a secret.
14:57 I didn't get my bonus this year, but to keep the family from missing out on Christmas,
15:01 I'd do anything. I'll say, Dad.
15:03 You must really love us to sink so low.
15:08 Let's not get mushy, son. I still have a job to do.
15:12 Hey, little one!
15:13 Santa's back!
15:14 Oh! Oh! Oh!
15:16 Damn it!
15:17 Ah!
15:19 Ah, son, one day you're gonna know the satisfaction of payday.
15:23 Receiving a big fat check for a job well done.
15:27 Simpson, Homer, here you go. Come on, son.
15:30 Let's go cash this baby and get presents for...
15:33 13 bucks!
15:35 Hey, wait a minute. That's right.
15:37 $120 gross.
15:38 Less Social Security, less unemployment insurance, less Santa training,
15:42 less costume purchase, less beard rental, less Christmas club.
15:45 See you next year.
15:47 Come on, Dad.
15:48 Let's go home.
15:50 Thirteen bucks?
15:51 You can't get anything but thirteen bucks.
15:54 All right!
15:55 Thirteen big ones!
15:57 Springfield Towns, here I come! What?
16:00 You heard me.
16:01 I'm going to the dog track.
16:03 I got a hot little puppy in the fourth waist.
16:06 Wanna come? Sorry, Barney. I may be a total washout as a father,
16:10 but I'm not gonna take my kid to a sleazy dog track on Christmas Eve.
16:13 You come on, Simpson.
16:15 The dog's name is Whirlwind.
16:17 Ten to one shot.
16:18 Money in the bank. Uh-uh. Oh, come on, Dad.
16:22 This can be the miracle that saves the Simpsons Christmas.
16:25 If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas.
16:30 It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs,
16:34 and it's gonna happen to us.
16:37 Well, okay, let's go.
16:39 Who's Tiny Tim?
16:42 Hey, Moldy, do you think Santa will be able to buy an elf county under all this snow?
16:46 I doubt it, Bubbles. We'll be sad little elves this Christmas.
16:51 Oh, no!
16:52 Oh, brother.
16:53 Where's your husband? Yeah, it's getting late.
16:56 Said he went cannelly with Bart.
16:58 We're in the morning.
17:02 We got a lot of money to get along.
17:06 I can't believe I'm doing this.
17:08 Can we open our presents now, Dad?
17:11 You know the tradition, son. Not till the eighth race.
17:14 Hey, Barney, which one is whirlwind? Number six.
17:17 That's our lucky dog right over there. He's won his last five races.
17:23 What? That scrawny little bag of bones? Come on, Dad.
17:26 They're all scrawny little bags of bones.
17:28 Yeah, you're right.
17:31 I guess whirlwind is our only hope for a Merry Christmas.
17:34 Attention, racing fans. We have a late scratch in the fourth race.
17:38 Number eight, Sir Galahad, will be replaced by Santa's Little Helper.
17:42 Once again, Sir Galahad has been replaced by Santa's Little Helper.
17:46 Hart, did you hear that?
17:48 What a name.
17:49 Santa's Little Helper? It's a sign. It's an omen.
17:51 It's a coincidence, Dad.
17:53 What are the odds on Santa's Little Helper?
17:55 99 to 1. Whoa!
17:58 99 times 13 equals Merry Christmas.
18:02 I got a bad feeling about this. Don't you believe in me, son?
18:06 Ugh.
18:06 Come on, boy. Sometimes your face is all that keeps me going.
18:13 Oh, go for it, Dad.
18:14 That's my boy.
18:16 Everything on Santa's Little Helper.
18:24 Unadulterated, Pap. It's almost 9 o'clock.
18:27 Where is Homer, anyway?
18:28 It's so typical of the big doofus to spoil at home.
18:31 What, Aunt Patty? Oh, nothing, dear. I'm just trashing your father.
18:35 Well, I wish you wouldn't,
18:37 because aside from the fact that he has the same frailties as all human beings,
18:42 he's the only father I have.
18:44 Therefore, he is my model of manhood,
18:47 and my estimation of him will govern the prospects of my adult relationships.
18:51 So I hope you bear in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me,
18:55 and I am far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts.
19:00 Mm-hmm. Go watch your cartoon show, dear.
19:04 Come on, Bart.
19:05 Kiss the ticket for good luck. Not that we need it.
19:11 Here comes Growy the Mechanical Rabbit.
19:14 And they're off.
19:15 Come on, go, go, go, run.
19:19 And it's whirlwind in the lane.
19:20 Coming up on the left is front of a band followed by Dog O' War and Fido.
19:24 Go, go.
19:26 Come on, get that rabbit.
19:28 Dog O' War coming up fast on the outside.
19:30 Come on, go, go, go, go.
19:32 And with a lock in last place, it's Santa's little helper.
19:38 Don't worry, Dad. Maybe this is just for suspense before the miracle happens.
19:43 Come on, you stupid dog.
19:44 Go, boys.
19:46 Go. Run, baby, run.
19:47 Come on, get that baby.
19:49 Go, Santa's little helper. Let's go, baby.
19:52 And it's going by a country mile and a second to shoot by two, followed by dog a whore.
19:56 Oh, OK.
19:58 Doesn't seem possible, but I guess TV has betrayed me.
20:01 I don't want to leave till our dog finishes.
20:09 Ah, forget it. Let's go.
20:20 Find any winners, son? Sorry, Dad.
20:23 Hey, hey, Simpson!
20:25 What did I tell you?
20:26 We're all one!
20:28 Let's go, Daria.
20:34 Beat it!
20:35 Scram!
20:36 Get lost!
20:37 You came in last for the last time!
20:40 Look, Dad.
20:41 It's Santa's little helper.
20:42 And don't come back!
20:45 Oh, no, you don't. No, no. Get away from me.
20:48 Uh-uh.
20:51 Oh, can we keep him, Dad, please?
20:54 But he's a loser.
20:55 He's pathetic.
20:57 He's...
20:59 A Simpson.
21:04 Oh, he should call the police.
21:07 Oh, he'll sober up. Yeah, come staggering home.
21:10 Mm-hmm.
21:11 Smelling a cheap perfume.
21:14 Homer!
21:16 Look, everybody, I have a confession to make.
21:19 This should be good.
21:21 I didn't get my Christmas bonus.
21:24 I tried not to let it ruin Christmas for everybody, but no matter what I did...
21:29 Hey, everybody, look what we got!
21:32 A dog!
21:33 All right, Dad!
21:35 God bless him.
21:37 So, love at first sight is? Possibly. And if he runs away, he'll be easy to catch.
21:42 Oh, this is the best gift of all, Homer.
21:44 It is? Yes, something to share our love and frighten prowlers.
21:49 What's his name? Number eight.
21:51 I mean, Santa's a little helper.
22:28 The Red Nosed Reindeer
22:31 I'm warning you to... When one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say...
22:37 Take it, Homer! Hi, Rudolph, get your nose over here,
22:42 so you can kite my sleigh today.
22:45 Oh, Homer. Then all the reindeer loved him, and they shouted out with glee.
22:52 Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer,
22:55 who will go down in his story.
22:58 Like a tale of a... You little...
23:03 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Ralph Wiggum, Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier, Santa's Little Helper, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Todd Flanders, Snowball II, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Nina Skalka, Janey Powell, Larry Dalrymple, Sam, Adrian Belew, Girl with glasses, Jaffee Ziswhisky, Dewey Largo, Lewis' lookalike, Boy with shades, Coward, Freddy, Springfield bears, Violet Bazaar, Brown-haired boy, The Happy Little Elves, Bubbles, Smitty, Daria, Irving Zitsofsky, Nell Nicholson, Mervin Monroe, Fred, Hypnotist, Moldy, Springfield Downs Dad, Alfie, Brainy, Brown Long Haired Girl, Cashier, Cheque Giver, Chew My Shoe, Christmas Tree Farm Hounds, Dog O' War, Fido, Fred's Wife, German Santa Girl, Head of Santa School, Les Moore, Mall Santa Boy, Mall Santa Girl, Quadruped, Screaming Woman, Screwy, Sir Galahad, Smart Boy, Smart Boy 2, Springfield Downs Kid, Whirlwind

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character