# Principal Charming

The Simpsons, season 2, episode 14 (S02E14), first aired February 14, 1991.
Written by David M. Stern. Directed by Mark Kirkland. Production code 7F15.
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel.

Selma Bouvier wants a husband, so Homer goes looking and settles on Principal Skinner after Bart defaces the school lawn. Skinner is drawn to Patty instead, and as they start dating, Bart exploits his role as go-between while Selma endures a date with Barney Gumble. When Skinner proposes, Patty turns him down to stay with her sister.

Who's in it: Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Waylon Smithers, Nelson Muntz, Otto Mann, Martin Prince, Patty Bouvier, Reverend Lovejoy, Selma Bouvier, Groundskeeper Willie, Lewis Clark, Richard, Larry Dalrymple, Hans Moleman, Sam, Adrian Belew, Becky Shorter, Sophie Jensen, Girl with glasses, Buck-toothed boy, Wanda, Bleeding Gums Murphy, Freddy, Sherri and Terri, Ms. Albright, Space Mutants, The Happy Little Elves, Yendor, Sylvia Winfield, Daria, The Gammels, Ms. Finch, Vladimir Lenin, Space Mutant Female Victim, Space Mutant Male Victim.

Every line said in the episode, and when. Its moments aren't described yet. The dialogue is from the episode's subtitles.

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## Every line

- 0:02 The Simpsons
- 0:41 Hey,
- 0:43 how are you?
- 0:59 Hey, Homer, it's Barney. Did I wake you?
- 1:01 I'm up. I'm up. How are you wanting?
- 1:03 All I wanted to tell you about was this new barbecue joint.
- 1:06 Ooh, barbecue.
- 1:08 It's called Greasy Joe's Bottomless Barbecue Pit.
- 1:11 Ooh, I can still taste the sauce between my fingers.
- 1:15 And are you ready for this? It's all you can eat.
- 1:18 This is like some beautiful dream.
- 1:22 One and two and three and reach and five and six.
- 1:27 Mars, honey, I've got five words to say to you.
- 1:31 Greasy Joe's bottomless barbecue pit.
- 1:35 Remember you promised you'd try to limit pork to six servings a week?
- 1:39 Mars, I'm only human.
- 1:41 Now look, here's what we're going to do.
- 1:43 We'll unload the kids on Patty and Selma Saturday night and then we'll eat until they kick
- 1:47 us out of the place, just like old times.
- 1:50 Hmm, Saturday night? I'm not even sure my sisters will be available.
- 1:54 I'll take that bet.
- 2:01 Hello, Marge.
- 2:03 This Saturday, we're going to Stanley Peterson's wedding.
- 2:07 Although the way he's going at her, you'd think they were already married.
- 2:11 Hey, alley cats, save it for the honeymoon.
- 2:14 Well, if you have other plans... No!
- 2:18 That's no problem.
- 2:20 We'll beat it before they throw out the bouquet.
- 2:23 F.
- 2:24 L.
- 2:25 Oh, no, I'm sorry. That's a C, isn't it?
- 2:29 If that was an oncoming vehicle, you'd be dead now.
- 2:32 Next! But driving is my livelihood.
- 2:35 I'll take it like a man.
- 2:37 Friends.
- 2:39 Relatives.
- 2:41 Work-related acquaintances.
- 2:44 We are gathered here today to join Stanley and Martha in holy matrimony.
- 2:50 Martha, my dear, I remember the first day that I met you.
- 2:57 Hello, Selma. Hello, Stanley.
- 3:01 Is this seat taken? Yes, it is.
- 3:04 Hey, beat it!
- 3:09 Had I not chosen the seat that was next to you, Martha,
- 3:13 my love Who knows what woman I might have ended up with
- 3:19 Brandy,
- 3:20 you're a fine girl What a good wife you would be But my
- 3:26 life, my love and my lady Is the sea
- 3:31 Poor Brandy And Selma
- 3:34 Do you think you'll ever get married?
- 3:37 Oh, I don't know.
- 3:38 Why? You know somebody? No.
- 3:40 And since I'm sure that you'd only resent the pity of an eight-year-old niece,
- 3:43 I'll simply hope that you're one of the statistically insignificant number of 40-year-old
- 3:47 single women who ever find their fair prince.
- 3:54 Hi.
- 3:59 Penny!
- 4:00 Selma, we're home!
- 4:08 I'll tell you one thing. Greasy Joe is sorry you ever saw the likes of me.
- 4:13 Marge, I need to speak with you alone.
- 4:20 Oh, and that sauce, Barney. I could have drunk a bowl of it by itself.
- 4:25 No, Barney, that's just my sister-in-law.
- 4:28 I'll get right to the point. I'm getting older, fatter, and uglier.
- 4:32 Please, Marge, help me find a man before it's too late.
- 4:38 Well, I'll try.
- 4:43 Homer,
- 4:44 do you remember our last family vacation when you made us go to the Bowlers Hall of Fame
- 4:49 in St. Louis, Missouri, so you could see that car shaped like a giant bowling pin?
- 4:53 Remember.
- 4:54 Who could forget?
- 4:56 Then you'll also remember that you owe me a favor.
- 5:00 To be called up whenever and for whatever reason I desire.
- 5:04 But that was just an idle promise. Not to me.
- 5:08 I want you to find a husband for my sister Selma.
- 5:12 Find a husband?
- 5:14 Wait, which one's Selma again?
- 5:16 She's the one who likes police academy movies and Hummel figurines and walking through the
- 5:22 park on clear autumn days.
- 5:23 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I thought she was the one who didn't like to be,
- 5:26 you know, touched. It's Patty who chose the life of celibacy.
- 5:31 Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her.
- 5:33 But Mars... Homer, you will find her a man.
- 5:38 All right. And not just any man. Okay.
- 5:40 He should be honest and caring and well-off and handsome.
- 5:46 Hey, why should she have a better husband than you do?
- 5:49 Sodium tetrasulfate is highly caustic and can remove your skin.
- 5:53 Say when.
- 5:55 Oh, that will do. What's this stuff for?
- 5:57 It's chiefly used in the manufacture of rayon's film and as a preservative in fast foods.
- 6:02 It's also quite a potent herbicide. What's a herbicide?
- 6:05 It kills grass.
- 6:08 Excellent.
- 6:10 Must find man.
- 6:29 Boy, a good man really is hard to find.
- 6:34 Gentlemen, according to my sources,
- 6:36 you are planning to simultaneously drop your pencils at 2.15 this afternoon.
- 6:41 Do so, and you will be suspended.
- 6:44 Hey, who squeals anything past principal's hair?
- 6:49 Vandalism fans, hold on to your hats.
- 6:57 What does he think he is? He's like, sometimes a kid just goes too far.
- 7:01 One seafood burrito, Appu.
- 7:10 I am loath to interrupt your meditation, sir, but time has come for money to change hands.
- 7:15 Oh, sorry.
- 7:31 Mmm, say what they will about our cafeteria.
- 7:35 I still think they're the best tater tots money can buy.
- 7:40 Mmm, wait a minute.
- 7:44 It smells like sodium tetrasulfate bonding with chlorophyll.
- 8:03 Sweet lord, it is!
- 8:06 Simpson!
- 8:10 Bart, I'm flabbergasted.
- 8:12 Surely you knew as you were writing your own name in 40-foot high letters in the field
- 8:16 that you would be caught. Maybe it was one of the other Barts, sir.
- 8:19 There are no other Barts! Uh-oh.
- 8:21 The sheer contempt demonstrated by this incident makes me wish I could pull the trusty
- 8:25 board of education out of retirement.
- 8:28 Call your father immediately.
- 8:31 Hello, is Homer there?
- 8:32 Homer who?
- 8:35 Homer...sexual.
- 8:37 Wait one second, let me check.
- 8:40 Uh, homosexual?
- 8:42 Come on, come on, what do you guys just gotta be homosexual?
- 8:46 Don't look at me!
- 8:48 Oh, no. Oh, you rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you,
- 8:53 I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
- 8:56 You do what, young man? What? What? Wait, who is this?
- 9:00 I think the real question is, who is this, and where is Homer Simpson?
- 9:03 Whoa, whoa, sorry, Principal Skinner. Sorry, it's a bad connection, I think.
- 9:08 God, it's for you. I think Bart's in trouble again.
- 9:11 No!
- 9:11 What you done now? Well,
- 9:13 I'm afraid this time the victims are the innocent blades of grass on groundskeeper
- 9:17 Willie's award-winning play field. If it's alright with you,
- 9:21 I'd like to have Bart repay his debt to society through back-breaking physical labor.
- 9:26 Resounding the field manually, seed by seed.
- 9:43 Hmm.
- 9:45 But enough about Bart. Tell me, Principal Skinner, are you married?
- 9:49 Only to my job. But if you weren't married to your job, you tend to go for a girl, right?
- 9:54 Well, of course.
- 9:56 These pants come off at night just like everybody else's.
- 9:59 But tell me, why all the questions?
- 10:02 No reason.
- 10:03 I was just wondering if, you know,
- 10:07 you'd like to come over to my house for dinner.
- 10:12 Payback for all the crummy things Bart has done to your school.
- 10:15 Well, a home-cooked meal would be a nice change of pace.
- 10:20 I'd be delighted.
- 10:21 Excellent.
- 10:30 Good evening, Principal Skinner, and welcome to our home.
- 10:33 Well, thank you, Bart.
- 10:35 I only hope that for the next few hours,
- 10:37 you and I can leave our differences in the schoolyard.
- 10:39 Fine.
- 10:40 I just get inside already.
- 10:42 He's here.
- 10:44 What are you waiting for?
- 10:45 Get out there and shake your moneymaker.
- 10:48 I'm too nervous. You do it. No, you do it.
- 10:50 No, you do it. No, you do it. No, you do it.
- 10:53 Now, Simpson, I had a discomforting thought on the way over here.
- 10:57 This dinner wouldn't be a master plan of yours to set me up with some unmarried relation,
- 11:03 would it? Because I can assure you that I...
- 11:06 I... Oh, be still, my foolish heart.
- 11:11 Here we go. Boy meets beast.
- 11:16 Principal Skinner,
- 11:18 allow me to introduce you to my wife's lovely and available sister Selma.
- 11:23 Hey, Tubbs, I'm Patty. What?
- 11:25 Pat-ty.
- 11:27 Oh, wrong one.
- 11:29 So, Patty, tell me more about your trip to Egypt.
- 11:34 Nothing more to tell, really.
- 11:36 The Nile smells like cattle rot,
- 11:38 and they've got horseflies over there the size of your head.
- 11:40 Marvelous. Just marvelous.
- 11:43 Well, Selma hated Egypt, too. A camel spit on her.
- 11:46 Oh, yes, I've heard they can be difficult.
- 11:48 Patty,
- 11:49 the parents' advisory board has asked that I attend the premiere of Space Mutants Part 5
- 11:53 tomorrow night.
- 11:55 Would you be interested in joining me?
- 11:59 I don't really think... She'd be delighted.
- 12:01 I'm going to cancel. No, you're not. We already have plans for tomorrow night.
- 12:05 Patty,
- 12:06 your first date in 25 years is a little more important than playing hearts with Mother.
- 12:10 I tried to repel him. I really did.
- 12:14 Pack of Lady Laramie hundreds, please.
- 12:16 You both know it could have easily been me.
- 12:17 Very easily.
- 12:19 Laramie high tars. Hard pack and I don't have all day.
- 12:21 Oh, all right. Here you go. Smoked them in good health.
- 12:24 And will you be needing any lottery tickets with that?
- 12:27 No.
- 12:27 All right. Five.
- 12:29 You stupid, fudgeable skin. You gotta be kidding me.
- 12:33 Have your strength, lad.
- 12:35 There's a whole field for you to resod you.
- 12:38 No.
- 12:39 Bart, you wouldn't happen to know what sort of candy your Aunt Patty likes,
- 12:45 would you? Cherry cordial, sir. Oh, very good.
- 12:48 Now then, regarding your punishment, do you feel that you've learned your lesson?
- 12:54 Have I ever?
- 12:56 Just the thought of doing anything bad again, this makes my stomach turn.
- 12:59 Well then, you're free to go.
- 13:02 Well, Willie, you can take it from here.
- 13:05 Adios, dude. You'll be back. You haven't seen the last of Willie.
- 13:13 I don't see why all this is necessary. Come on, Patty.
- 13:17 You don't want to show up for your big date looking like Yosemite Sam.
- 13:22 How do I look?
- 13:26 Achingly beautiful.
- 13:28 Two and two are four.
- 13:32 Four and four are eight.
- 13:35 Eight and eight are six. Hello? Cherry cordials.
- 13:39 I hope you like them.
- 13:42 Yeah, I like them okay.
- 13:44 So come on, let's get this over with. Oh, excellent suggestion.
- 13:47 I suggest we start with the Springfield Revolving Restaurant.
- 13:51 You know, food tastes better when you're revolving.
- 13:55 Yeah, right.
- 13:55 Well, I must say, so far the evening is a big disappointment.
- 13:59 Indeed.
- 14:00 Truly terrible.
- 14:02 Hey, can we get some service over here?
- 14:05 That's for water three times now. Is everything all right?
- 14:08 Well, well, well, if it isn't a little Jimmy Pearson.
- 14:11 Glass of 71, I believe. Good evening, Principal Skinner.
- 14:14 Pearson, get this woman a glass of water immediately and tuck in your shirt.
- 14:18 Yes, sir.
- 14:20 Nearly 30 and still working as a busboy.
- 14:24 Dana, standardized testing never lies.
- 14:29 Doesn't surprise me.
- 14:30 She's always been the lucky one.
- 14:32 Two minutes younger.
- 14:33 Skin like a china doll. And bosom's still Tuesday.
- 14:37 Well, don't worry.
- 14:39 There's still plenty of fish in the sea.
- 14:41 Right, Homer?
- 14:42 Oh, yes.
- 14:43 Plenty of fish.
- 14:45 You just don't have any bait.
- 14:51 I want to shine.
- 14:53 Out of gas.
- 14:58 Don't be stupid.
- 15:00 Oh, uh, sorry.
- 15:03 Oh, come on, love.
- 15:06 Listen up.
- 15:07 I just can't forget what happened to that poor dingo back there.
- 15:11 Who or what could have done such a horrible thing?
- 15:13 It was probably just a wallaby.
- 15:16 Now, come on.
- 15:19 Well, okay.
- 15:27 Hello, Dolly. Oh, that was the worst movie I've ever seen.
- 15:33 Not as bad as a service at the revolving restaurant.
- 15:39 Isn't it nice we hate the same things?
- 15:45 So, see me again tomorrow?
- 15:47 I'm afraid that's my microwave cookery class.
- 15:50 Then the day after that.
- 15:52 Oh, gee.
- 15:53 Taekwondo.
- 15:54 The day after that, then? Seymour, you're touching me.
- 15:58 Kiss me, Patty. I don't have goodies.
- 16:00 Hi-ya!
- 16:06 Thursday, I'm going food shopping.
- 16:08 You can come along if you like.
- 16:11 Until then.
- 16:14 Tell me every filthy detail, or is your tongue too tired?
- 16:17 Salma was a lousy meal. The movie was awful, and he didn't get anything.
- 16:21 Now, good night.
- 16:23 Hi.
- 16:50 All right, one kiss, but I don't want you bragging to your friends about how you scored.
- 17:09 Oh, I wish I could make a PA announcement to the whole world.
- 17:14 Attention, everyone!
- 17:15 Seymour Skinner is in love!
- 17:18 Wow, Simpson, that's pretty cool. Bert, Skinner's gonna kill you!
- 17:21 Skinner? Ha, he works for me now. Simpson?
- 17:23 Uh-oh.
- 17:24 What is that there?
- 17:34 Oh, Patty.
- 17:36 Bart, I hate to pull you away from your daily exercise, but, well,
- 17:40 I wanted you to be the first to know.
- 17:43 I'm going to ask for your Aunt Patty's hand in marriage.
- 17:47 Your funeral, Seymour.
- 17:48 Homer, lighten up.
- 17:50 You're making happy hour bitterly ironic.
- 17:53 Uh, Moe, I gotta find a date for my big fat snotty sister-in-law Selma.
- 17:59 Hey, I'm intrigued.
- 18:00 What does a Selma look like? Eh, like my wife's ugly sister.
- 18:03 Wheeler and Homer, I'm not a picky man.
- 18:06 Uh,
- 18:10 good rule of thumb is two-year salary, sir.
- 18:12 Try this.
- 18:12 I can't afford that. I'm an educator.
- 18:14 Seymour. I'll take it.
- 18:16 Homer, my sister is not going out with Barney Gumbel.
- 18:19 Hey, Selma's no prize pig herself, you know.
- 18:24 Bart, come cheer up your Aunt Selma. Okay.
- 18:28 What did you learn in school today?
- 18:30 Principal Skinner's gonna ask Aunt Patty to marry him.
- 18:36 Thanks, kid.
- 18:37 You made my day.
- 18:39 But nothing, Marge. She's a heifer, plain and simple.
- 18:43 And, ooh, there's the little prom queen now.
- 18:47 Can the sweet talk, you're right.
- 18:49 It's time to ash can my girlish hopes and dreams and grab hold of the next train out of
- 18:54 the station.
- 19:03 Is that Selma?
- 19:06 Ring-a-ding-ding.
- 19:08 Oh, shut up. Why are you all dolled up like a chorus girl?
- 19:11 Well, it takes a ripe piece of cheese to catch the mouse.
- 19:16 It's time to give away my love like so much cheap wine Take it to the hoop,
- 19:21 Selma Hey, look what I brought It snaps?
- 19:26 I'll take that
- 19:29 You seem preoccupied tonight My little pudding cup My sister's on a date
- 19:35 with a big fat rummy Oh, well there's something up here that will pick up your spirits
- 19:47 Marry me, Patty?
- 19:49 Jeezum Crow, look at the size of that rock.
- 19:52 It's the second most precious jewel in this bell tower.
- 19:55 Patty, the question before you is, will you marry me?
- 19:58 Seymour, I don't know. I mean, this is so...
- 20:01 Oh, just say whatever's in your heart.
- 20:03 Okay.
- 20:04 You see, it's not that I don't love you.
- 20:07 You don't love me!
- 20:08 Kaloo-kalay!
- 20:10 Yes, yes, but... But?
- 20:12 But? But I'm a twin. And as such, I have a special...
- 20:16 Special tie to your sister, yes.
- 20:18 And the only man I could marry would have to understand...
- 20:21 You couldn't leave your sister for any man.
- 20:24 Oh.
- 20:25 Yes.
- 20:26 So I know you appreciate why you can never...
- 20:28 See you again?
- 20:30 Exactly.
- 20:31 It's kind of a catch-22.
- 20:37 Farewell, my patty cake.
- 20:40 Good night, sweet principal.
- 21:00 The Bartons
- 21:05 Oh,
- 21:06 Springfield Elementary I will have you back again After all,
- 21:12 tomorrow Tomorrow is another school day.
- 21:16 And then when I got out of the service, the, uh, well,
- 21:22 the next few years are a blur.
- 21:26 Patty, where's Skinner?
- 21:28 We decided we loved each other enough never to see each other again.
- 21:33 I hope I can find a man like that.
- 21:36 Patty, are you throwing away your last chance at happiness just for me?
- 21:40 Yes.
- 21:41 Thanks. Let's go get some pancakes.
- 21:44 Listen, Barney, I...
- 21:49 She broke my heart, Moe.
- 21:51 Don't worry, Barney.
- 21:53 Time heals all wounds.
- 21:55 Well, what do you know? You're right.
- 21:58 And look, a whole picture to myself.
- 22:02 Don't let me get on my own.
- 22:04 Get on my own.
- 22:10 I told you you'd be back!
- 23:02 I'm going to hear you say. Shh.
- 23:06 Thank you.