# Old Money

The Simpsons, season 2, episode 17 (S02E17), first aired March 28, 1991.
Written by Jay Kogen and Wallace Wolodarsky. Directed by David Silverman. Production code 7F17.
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel; Phil Hartman as Lionel Hutz; Phil Hartman as Plato.
Chalkboard gag: "I will not grease the monkey bars.". Couch gag: Startled Grampa.

At the Springfield Retirement Castle, Grampa Simpson falls for Beatrice Simmons, but she dies while a family trip to Discount Lion Safari keeps him away, and he disowns Homer. Lionel Hutz delivers Bea's $106,000 bequest, and her ghost urges Grampa to forgive Homer and help others. Unable to pick a worthy cause, he nearly loses it at roulette until Homer stops him, then renovates the home in Bea's honor.

Who's in it: Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Krusty the Clown, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Nelson Muntz, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Jasper Beardsley, Reverend Lovejoy, Lou, Eddie, Maude Flanders, Snowball II, Mayor Quimby, Sideshow Mel, Hans Moleman, Helen Lovejoy, Professor Frink, Itchy, Dewey Largo, Lionel Hutz, Herman Hermann, Old Jewish Man, Bleeding Gums Murphy, Raphael, Princess Kashmir, Marvin Monroe, Jacques, Jebediah Springfield, Ms. Mellon, Larry Davis, Darth Vader, Drummer, Master Sushi Chef, The Larry Davis Experience, Emily Winthrop, Guitarist, Retirement Castle receptionist, Beatrice Simmons, Retirement Castle administrator, Plato, Joker.

Every line said in the episode, and when. Its moments aren't described yet. The dialogue is from the episode's subtitles.

Web page: https://ultrahouse3k.com/episode/s02e17-old-money
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## Every line

- 0:03 The Simpsons
- 0:42 10 10
- 0:58 11
- 1:09 What the... what the... hold that...
- 1:24 Dad, the next time we see you, we'll do something more fun.
- 1:28 Oh, what could be more fun than today's trip to the liquor store?
- 1:33 Thanks for the beef jerky. Say goodbye to Grandpa, everyone.
- 1:36 Bye.
- 1:40 You know, Grandpa kind of smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet.
- 1:44 Nuh-uh, he smells more like a photo lab.
- 1:46 Stop it, both of you. Grandpa smells like a regular old man,
- 1:50 which is more like a hallway in a hospital.
- 1:52 Homer, that's terrible.
- 1:53 We should be teaching the children to treasure the elderly.
- 1:56 You know, we'll be old someday.
- 1:58 My God, you're right, Marge. Two kids won't put me in a home like I did to my dad,
- 2:02 would you?
- 2:04 Well...
- 2:05 Marge, what do we do?
- 2:06 Well, I think we better set an example.
- 2:10 Absolutely.
- 2:11 Our third Sunday of every month should be a pleasure, not a chore.
- 2:14 Where's someplace fun we can take Grandpa next time?
- 2:17 To the pony ride. No, why are we dancing on ponies?
- 2:21 Well, I always enjoy the glass blower at old Springfield Town.
- 2:24 Oh, he saw that.
- 2:26 honor the museum of barnyard oddities no bars no I got
- 2:32 it this big field mystery spot
- 2:42 yeah I am in a rich $600 worth of cheese and 40 cents old beef
- 2:53 Hey, these aren't my pills Now, now, Mr.
- 2:56 Simmons Don't make me call Nurse Bronski
- 2:59 Get Simpson, dammit And these aren't my pills Excuse me,
- 3:03 nurse My name is Simmons And I think I have the wrong pills I get two red ones for my back
- 3:08 spasms A yellow one for my arrhythmia And two of the bluest eyes I've ever seen in
- 3:14 my life
- 3:16 Then these must be... Then I have your...
- 3:19 They must have...
- 3:32 Look at us.
- 3:34 We're staring at each other like a couple of stupid punk teenagers.
- 3:39 I wasn't staring. It's my lazy eye. I'm Beatrice Simmons,
- 3:44 but my friends call me Bea.
- 3:46 Well, I'm Abraham J. Simpson.
- 3:49 Care to tip the wrist with me?
- 3:51 I would be delighted.
- 3:54 So, um, tell me about yourself.
- 3:58 A widower, one son, one working kidney, and you?
- 4:03 Widowed, bad hip, and liver disorder. You left something out.
- 4:07 Ravishing!
- 4:17 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.
- 4:24 Oh.
- 4:29 And what are you doing tonight?
- 4:32 Sitting alone in my room. Oh, well, we've got plans already.
- 4:36 No.
- 4:37 What were you going to say?
- 4:38 Oh, nothing.
- 4:39 Oh, Abe, you were going to say something.
- 4:42 Well, I was wondering if you and I, you know,
- 4:45 might go to the same place at the same time and...
- 4:49 Geez, you'd think this would get easier with time!
- 4:51 I'd love to.
- 4:53 It's a taxi, honey.
- 4:56 Well, it's at a half past eight.
- 4:58 Hmm, okay.
- 5:00 Now, where's that pomade?
- 5:03 Ah, let me find Solo again. Ooh!
- 5:06 Eww!
- 5:07 Aw, damn!
- 5:09 Not a pomade!
- 5:10 Oh, well.
- 5:16 Oh, hello, young lady.
- 5:19 Is your grandmother home? Oh, Abe,
- 5:22 I can tell I better keep my good eye on you.
- 5:26 Damn straight.
- 5:31 Embrace me, my sweet, embraceable you.
- 5:38 Embrace me,
- 5:40 you irreplaceable you Don't be
- 5:46 a naughty baby Come to Papa,
- 5:51 come to Papa, do
- 5:55 My sweet,
- 5:57 embraceable you
- 6:06 Herman, a very special lady is having her birthday tomorrow.
- 6:10 Ah, the battleship New Jersey.
- 6:12 No, you idiot! My girlfriend, Bea.
- 6:15 And since this is the only store I know...
- 6:17 Grandpa, nothing says I love you better than a military antique.
- 6:22 Let's take a look at the bayonet case, huh?
- 6:24 Hey, what's that?
- 6:26 That, my friend, was Napoleon's hat. It doesn't look like Napoleon's hat.
- 6:30 Well, it's not the famous hat. It's the one he wore for a week in April 1796,
- 6:34 just before he defeated the Sardinians. Ooh, how much?
- 6:38 $400.
- 6:39 Yeah, I'll give you a fight, bunch.
- 6:40 That's not the kind of offer you should make to a man with a Gatling gun under the
- 6:44 counter.
- 6:44 Why don't you try Grandma's World?
- 6:46 Yo, activewear? I need a price check on a wool shawl.
- 6:53 Dad, it's the third Sunday of the month.
- 6:55 You know what that means. Go away! Oh, come on, Dad.
- 6:58 I promise we'll have more fun this time.
- 7:00 We're gonna see lions. I can't go. It's my girlfriend B's birthday.
- 7:05 Oh, you have a girlfriend.
- 7:09 Well, happy birthday, B.
- 7:14 She can come with us. Hey, there's room for all your friends in the car.
- 7:19 No, she's not invisible, you idiot.
- 7:21 See, it's her birthday tonight. Yeah, right.
- 7:24 Hey, you kids, stop kicking the seat. I'm kicking the seat.
- 7:27 Dad, don't you want to know where we're going?
- 7:29 No.
- 7:30 This can't lie in safari. Damn these child-proof doors!
- 7:39 Hello!
- 7:40 That'll be 1850, Buana.
- 7:42 Do not feed animals. Do not allow animals in the car.
- 7:46 Do not make eye contact with animals. Are we in Africa yet?
- 7:51 And didn't anybody notice this place sucks?
- 7:54 It seems that most of the animals are sleeping.
- 7:56 Well, let them sleep on their own time.
- 8:03 Homer, are you sure this is the right way?
- 8:06 The road seems to have gotten awfully bumpy.
- 8:12 What a wingding.
- 8:14 This is much better than my girlfriend's birthday party.
- 8:18 Homer?
- 8:18 Bart, get out and push. Yeah, Bart, get out and push.
- 8:21 No way, Jose.
- 8:22 Okay, we've seen a lion. Can we go now?
- 8:41 I'll be
- 8:46 Mr.
- 8:52 Simpson, I presume
- 8:57 Out of my way, I got a date with an angel You don't know how right you are, Abe What?
- 9:03 I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but...
- 9:06 Bea passed away last night.
- 9:09 Oh, no.
- 9:10 It was a ticker. The doc said her left ventricle burst.
- 9:14 Oh, no, Jasper.
- 9:16 Amy may say she died of a burst ventricle,
- 9:19 but I know she died of a broken heart.
- 9:31 I can tell she really cared for me. She didn't make me a pallbearer.
- 9:39 I can't tell you how sorry I am, Dad.
- 9:41 Is someone talking to me?
- 9:43 I didn't hear anything.
- 9:45 Oh, no!
- 9:46 Dad's lost his hearing! No, you idiot!
- 9:49 I'm ignoring you! You made me miss the last precious moment of B's life.
- 9:54 I'll never speak to you again.
- 9:57 I have no son.
- 10:06 Oh, B.
- 10:15 It was a beautiful service, wasn't it, Mr.
- 10:17 Simpson?
- 10:18 Who the hell are you? Lionel Hatz attorney at law.
- 10:21 I'm the executor of Beatrice Simmons' estate.
- 10:24 Mr. Simpson B. was a wealthy woman, and surprise, surprise, she left everything to you.
- 10:29 Really?
- 10:30 There is one catch. You must spend one night in a haunted house.
- 10:36 Just kidding, just kidding.
- 10:38 Here's a check for $106,000 to enjoy as you
- 10:44 see fit. Oh, I'm touched.
- 10:46 $106,000?
- 10:48 Ta-ta, Mr. Simpson.
- 10:50 By the way, old timer, I do wills.
- 10:52 Why don't I just give you this pen with my phone number on it?
- 10:55 It looks just like a cigar.
- 10:56 Isn't that something?
- 10:58 Yellow. Hello, Homer.
- 11:01 It's Dad. Dad's on a boat. He's calling me.
- 11:03 Oh, Dad.
- 11:04 Oh, I knew you'd forgive me. I haven't forgiven you.
- 11:08 I just inherited $106,000,
- 11:12 and I just had to tell you that you're not getting one thin dime.
- 11:19 Mr. Simpson? What is it?
- 11:22 I couldn't help overhearing about your newfound fortune,
- 11:25 and let me assure you that here at the Springfield Retirement Castle,
- 11:28 money does make a difference. I mean, there are rubdowns,
- 11:32 and then there are rubdowns. Listen, you bloodsucker!
- 11:37 Has it ever occurred to you that old folks deserve to be treated like human beings,
- 11:42 whether they have money or not?
- 11:44 Yes, but it passes. Oh, you lousy. Shut up.
- 11:49 I'll take it!
- 11:51 Hey, big spender, why the change of heart?
- 11:53 Bee told me to enjoy my moolah, and I'm going to, dagnabbit!
- 12:05 So, where to, papi? Take me someplace fun.
- 12:08 You're the boss.
- 12:09 Next stop, Funsville.
- 12:13 Yeah!
- 12:27 I miss B.
- 12:29 I miss you, too.
- 12:33 Oh, Abraham, calm down. I'm not here to scare you.
- 12:37 They've got me haunting a family in Texas.
- 12:39 Oh, I'm glad you're keeping busy. Now, listen, Abe.
- 12:43 I want to know why my money isn't bringing you happiness.
- 12:47 Oh, B, I'm not cut out for the high life.
- 12:50 Abraham, if you're not happy with the money, why don't you spread it around?
- 12:55 Make other people as happy as you made me.
- 12:58 Oh, thanks, B. I will. And go see your son.
- 13:02 He misses you. Oh, I miss him too, the big fat dickhead.
- 13:07 Hey, B, I'm gonna ask you, what was death like?
- 13:12 Not as scary as this!
- 13:18 I miss my daddy.
- 13:21 Homer, this thing with your dad has had you moping around the house for days.
- 13:25 I think it's time for you to talk to someone who understands.
- 13:29 Hiya.
- 13:30 You have reached Dr. Marvin Monroe's anxiety line.
- 13:32 If you have a sullen teenager, press 1 now.
- 13:35 If you're estranged from your spouse, press 2 now.
- 13:39 If you have trouble maintaining... Grandpa!
- 13:41 Huh?
- 13:42 Dad!
- 13:43 Sonny boy!
- 13:47 Is there room at your table for a foolish old man?
- 13:50 Well, sure.
- 13:52 Eh, we'll have to move a chair in from the den, but it's no problem.
- 13:56 Barf! Choose your corn cob.
- 13:58 En garde! Challenge accepted!
- 14:01 Oh, my precious sacks of gold.
- 14:04 Couldn't buy me the pleasures of a simple family meal.
- 14:08 Pass above you, Dad. Wait, it's your turn, you pig.
- 14:11 I have an announcement to make.
- 14:13 I've decided to give bees money away. There are people who really need it.
- 14:18 I'm going to let them come to me and plead their case,
- 14:21 and then I'll decide who needs it most. Grandpa,
- 14:24 that's the noblest thought that's ever been expressed at this table.
- 14:27 Give it us, Grandpa. Bart!
- 14:29 Forgive him, Dad.
- 14:30 He's just a stupid little kid who says the first thing that pops into his head.
- 14:35 But you know, there's wisdom in his innocence.
- 14:37 You don't want it. Yes, I do. Too bad you ain't getting it.
- 14:42 That since this reporter's marriage to Stephanie, the weather lady,
- 14:45 Has this town been so consumed with rumor and innuendo?
- 14:50 All because of this man.
- 14:51 Today,
- 14:52 one Abraham Grandpa Simpson announced that he will give away over $100,000 to the person
- 14:58 or persons he finds most deserving.
- 15:01 Is Grandpa Simpson a modern-day saint, a rich nut, or both?
- 15:05 Only time will tell.
- 15:06 This is Kent Brockman, online for an old man's money.
- 15:11 You see, Grant, I want to customize the bus.
- 15:14 You know, chop the top, jack it up, put mag wheels on it.
- 15:18 Psychedelic paint job from hell, man.
- 15:21 Jam the kids to school at 150 miles an hour.
- 15:23 You know, here's an artist's rendering.
- 15:25 Note the cobra wrapped around the naked chick.
- 15:29 Next!
- 15:31 Grandpa.
- 15:32 I can call you Grandpa, can't I? Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
- 15:35 All right.
- 15:35 I need that money. Please, please! Hey, wait a minute, wait.
- 15:40 You're the guy who owns the nuclear power plant.
- 15:42 Well, the ownership is divided. What the hell do you think you're doing?
- 15:45 Mr. Simpson, I dread the day when $100,000 isn't worth groveling for.
- 15:50 Get out of here!
- 15:52 You've just made yourself a very powerful enemy, old man.
- 15:56 Here's the deal, Grandpa.
- 15:58 A guy I think was an explorer left this in the bar one night.
- 16:02 It may be a map to ancient treasure or directions to some guy's house,
- 16:07 but to find out, we'll need money, we'll need provisions, and a two-man diving belt.
- 16:12 It's pretty stupid.
- 16:13 But so far, you're the front runner.
- 16:16 It's a special isolation chamber.
- 16:18 The subject pulls levers to receive food and warmth.
- 16:22 The floor can become electrified, and showers of icy water randomly fall on the subject.
- 16:27 I call it the Monroe Box. Uh-huh.
- 16:30 Well, it sounds interesting. Uh-huh.
- 16:32 How much will it cost to build? Oh, that's the beauty part.
- 16:35 It's already built.
- 16:36 I need the money to buy a baby to raise in the box until the age of 30.
- 16:40 What are you trying to prove? Well,
- 16:42 my theory is that the subject will be socially maladjusted and will harbor a deep
- 16:46 resentment towards me.
- 16:48 Hmm, interesting.
- 16:49 Let's see, I want a tear gas pin, a blow gun with paralyzer darts.
- 16:54 Oh, no.
- 16:55 Nunchucks.
- 16:55 Nunchucks? Yeah.
- 16:56 What the hell are those? A copy of Radioactive Man, number 27.
- 16:59 That's the first time he fights Dr. Crab.
- 17:01 And I want to buy that baseball card where the guy's flipping the bird.
- 17:05 Oh, yeah, I've seen that one. Oh, and a monkey.
- 17:08 What the hell is that? Why, it's a death ray, my good man.
- 17:12 Behold.
- 17:13 Hey, feels warm.
- 17:16 Kind of nice. Well, it is just a prototype.
- 17:19 With proper funding,
- 17:20 I'm confident this little baby could destroy an area the size of New York City.
- 17:24 But I want to help people, not kill them.
- 17:26 Oh, well, to be honest, a ray only has evil applications.
- 17:31 You know, my wife will be happy.
- 17:33 She's hated this old death ray thing from day one.
- 17:37 Oh, Lisa, what makes you think you deserve all that money?
- 17:41 I don't deserve it, Grandpa.
- 17:43 No one here does.
- 17:44 The people who deserve it are on the streets and they're in the slums.
- 17:48 They're little children who need more library books and families who can't make ends meet.
- 17:54 Of course, if you really wanted to, you could buy me a pony.
- 17:57 You're right! I'll name a princess and I'll ride her every day.
- 18:00 No, you're right about all the poor souls who need a helping hand.
- 18:04 I need to take a walk to clear my head.
- 18:11 Oh, dear.
- 18:18 Oh, I'm exhausted.
- 18:21 Oh, poor baby.
- 18:23 Been lifting your wallet? No.
- 18:25 I'll have you know I've decided to give my money away to truly needy causes.
- 18:30 But $100,000 just isn't enough. I need more.
- 18:35 Well, why don't you go on a senior's gambling junket?
- 18:38 I bet you could double your money or even triple it.
- 18:41 Well, it's tempting. Plus, I got a 99-cent whipped cocktail.
- 18:45 You sold me!
- 18:48 Slow down! Are you trying to get us killed?
- 18:50 It's too hot, you maniac!
- 18:52 Turn on the air, Eddie! Hey, mellow out, old dudes, or I'll jam this baby into a river!
- 18:57 Alright?
- 19:02 Miss, I'm looking for Abe Simpson. It's important I get a hold of him.
- 19:06 I have to tell him I don't care about his money and I love him.
- 19:09 We get that a lot. He left this morning with a senior casino junket.
- 19:14 Casino?
- 19:18 Come on, everybody!
- 19:30 Hello, I am Plato.
- 19:32 Please partake of kino, craps, and the loosest slots in town.
- 19:36 My philosophy is enjoy.
- 19:41 Change, please.
- 19:48 A double cheeseburger, onion rings, large strawberry shake, and for God's sakes, hurry.
- 19:53 Five thousand dollars and... What century is this?
- 19:57 The 20th. Great, put it on number 20. Excuse me.
- 20:00 Excuse me, have you seen an old man with a lot of money?
- 20:02 He looks like me, but he's wrinkled.
- 20:03 Hello?
- 20:04 Have you seen a... Dad!
- 20:06 No!
- 20:11 Holy moly!
- 20:12 You're winning!
- 20:14 Beat it, boy! You're cramping my style. Dad, please, you gotta quit by your head.
- 20:17 You understand that? You gotta take all your money and leave now.
- 20:19 Sorry, boy, I have to get enough to help everybody.
- 20:22 But you could lose everything. Come on. Homer, I think Richard Kipling said it best.
- 20:28 If you can make one heap of all your winnings and risk it on one turn
- 20:34 of pitch and toss and lose and start again at your beginnings and
- 20:39 never breathe a word about your loss.
- 20:43 Yours is the earth and everything that's in it.
- 20:47 And which is more, you'll be a man, my son.
- 20:53 You'll be a bonehead. Come on. Put it on, 41.
- 20:56 I've got a feeling about that number. The wheel only goes to 36, sir.
- 21:00 Okay, put it all on 36.
- 21:01 I've got a feeling about that number. Dad, no!
- 21:04 Give me that! Give me that money!
- 21:06 Come on, stop it!
- 21:07 Ow!
- 21:08 Ow! You're hurting me!
- 21:10 36!
- 21:10 No more bets!
- 21:11 No!
- 21:12 Son, if this lands on 36, though... Double zero.
- 21:17 Son, you saved me from losing all my money.
- 21:21 For the first time in my life, I'm glad I had children.
- 21:24 So, uh, have you figured out who gets your money?
- 21:36 Yes, Homer?
- 21:37 I have.
- 21:51 Come on in. Dignity's on me, friends.
- 22:30 Thank you.