Two Dozen and One Greyhounds

The Simpsons, season 6, episode 20. First aired April 9, 1995. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Lisa's Wedding The PTA Disbands → The whole episode as text

From “Two Dozen and One Greyhounds”: “It's... Wait, another dog is on the track.” — It's... Wait, another dog is on the track.

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About the episode

Santa's Little Helper falls for She's the Fastest, a racing greyhound whose owner hands her over to the Simpsons, and the pair soon produce 25 puppies that overrun the house. Mr. Burns makes off with the litter, and Bart and Lisa discover he plans to turn them into a tuxedo, but the dogs' trick of standing upright wins him over, and he raises them as champion racers.

Written by: Mike Scully
Directed by: Bob Anderson
Guest stars: Frank Welker as Santa's Little Helper
Chalkboard gag: The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
Couch gag: Moving Wall
Production code: 2F18

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

308 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:02 The Simpsons
0:33 Welcome to the 6 o'clock news in our brand new studio.
0:37 Looking good, Springfield.
0:41 In today's news, a two-ton rhino escaped from the Springfield Zoo,
0:45 but zoo officials were quick to act, and Petunia, as she is known,
0:49 is safely back in captivity.
0:52 In other news, a three-ton rhino that escaped from the zoo last week is still at large.
0:59 All right, who broke my vase?
1:01 Who took all my test papers off the refrigerator and tore them up?
1:04 Who spread garbage all over Flanders Yard before I got a chance to?
1:07 Oh, please.
1:08 This is senseless destruction with none of my usual social commentary.
1:14 If it wasn't you, then who was it?
1:18 Well, I'm sure these things didn't destroy themselves, now did they?
1:22 Did they?
1:27 Hmm, I guess Bart's not to blame.
1:30 He's lucky too, because it's spanking season and I gotta hankerin' for some spankerin'.
1:37 I don't know why you're so energetic today, boy, but prepare to be worn out.
1:47 What's wrong, boy? Getting tired?
2:04 I think there's really something wrong with Santa's little helper.
2:07 He was up barking all night and dug up the backyard worse than ever.
2:11 My bongo drums!
2:13 My strobe light! My best of Bray Stevens featuring the Streak album.
2:18 So it was the dog that buried all our stuff.
2:21 Yes, the dog.
2:24 Oh my god! He's got the precious cable TV cable!
2:33 Always use fresh macaroni. If the box rattles, throw it away.
2:41 Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties.
2:44 Please do not panic.
2:46 Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones.
2:49 Do not attempt sexual relations,
2:51 as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless.
2:56 Well, I'll be damned.
3:03 Excuse me, we're having a problem with our dog?
3:06 Lady, I'll tell you what I'm telling everyone else.
3:09 I'm sorry if your dog went blind, but your grape is with Hearts Mountain, not with me.
3:13 No, no, our dog is out of control. He's wild, destructive,
3:18 and has little or no respect for authority.
3:20 Hmm.
3:21 Let me try a canine human mind meld.
3:24 It's an incredibly rare psychic power possessed only by me and three other clerks at this
3:29 store.
3:29 Okay.
3:31 Brough.
3:36 I'm bored.
3:37 I'm restless.
3:40 Need change in life.
3:42 Like imported leather leash.
3:45 Uh, blue contact lenses.
3:48 200-volt shock training collar.
3:52 Well, problem solved.
3:56 Homer, hold on to the wheel. You got it.
4:01 Hey!
4:04 Don't worry. We'll catch him or run him over trying.
4:08 Look, he's headed back to the Greyhound racing track where we found him.
4:11 Don't worry.
4:12 As soon as he finds out he doesn't have any money, he'll throw him out.
4:15 Believe me, I know.
4:23 Oh, this place is so big.
4:26 You think we should split up and look for him, homie?
4:29 Homie?
4:30 Two bucks to win on number eight.
4:32 And have you seen my beloved dog?
4:36 Give me the ticket.
4:38 We can't lose.
4:40 Look at the name of the dog I bet on.
4:42 She's the fastest.
4:44 Homer, I don't think that means necessary.
4:46 And they're off.
4:47 She's the fastest. Jumps out to an insurmountable lead.
4:49 You're lucky you got looks, Marge.
4:52 As they're on the far turn, it's She's the fastest, followed by Always,
4:55 Comes in Second, and I'm Number Three. Yes, come on, you little horse.
4:59 And they're in the home stretch.
5:01 It's... Wait, another dog is on the track.
5:03 It's Santa's little helper.
5:05 The mystery dog is gaining fast on the outside.
5:07 Of course, he could never win this race.
5:09 Or could he?
5:19 What's that little helper doing to that dog?
5:21 Uh-oh.
5:22 Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it.
5:26 Come on, boy, you can do it.
5:28 Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end.
5:30 This is the end of dog racing.
5:34 I think they're in love.
5:36 Oh.
5:43 So that's what's been wrong with the little fella.
5:46 He misses casual sex.
5:49 Can we keep Santa's girlfriend, Mom, please?
5:51 But she's not our dog.
5:53 She's yours now.
5:54 Once they fall in love, they lose their racing spirit.
5:58 Won't you miss her loyalty and companionship?
5:59 Opinionship?
6:00 Ha ha ha ha!
6:04 Lady, you're all right!
6:10 Okay, you can go out and play, but no more you-know-what in front of the house, alright?
6:16 Hey, what did I just say?
6:52 Take it. It fell on the floor.
7:10 Hey, boy, you wanna play fetch?
7:15 Me and Santa's little helper used to be a team,
7:17 but he never wants to play anymore since his bitch moved in.
7:20 Bumart, don't ever say that word again. Well, that's what she is.
7:23 I looked it up. Well, I'm going to write the dictionary, people, and have that checked.
7:27 Feels like a mistake to me.
7:30 Hey, look.
7:32 A really small dog just fell out of Santa's girlfriend.
7:35 Oh, my God. She's having babies.
7:38 I'm sorry, girl. I thought you were just getting fat.
7:41 Look, it's twins.
7:43 No, it's two sets of twins. Two sets of twins and a triplet.
7:46 Homer, Homer, find a place for all these little miracles.
8:04 Oh, my, I've never seen anything like this.
8:07 How many more can there be?
8:11 22, 23,
8:13 24, 25.
8:35 Wow, 25 puppies!
8:42 An army of dogs!
8:45 No bully will ever touch me again!
8:49 Hey, jerk face!
8:51 You have the face of a jerk!
8:54 All right, Simpson, you ask... Get him, boys!
9:04 Say, Jimbo, hope I wasn't out of line with that jerk face crack.
9:29 Oh, homie, aren't they adorable?
9:33 Yes.
9:34 We've waited many years, but the good Lord has finally blessed us with a real family.
9:51 Look at Brantford, too.
9:54 Isn't that cute? He thinks he's one of the models, Inc.
10:00 Get that cat out of the way!
10:09 My socks!
10:19 Mom, why do I have to wear a flea collar?
10:21 No, it's just easier this way.
10:27 Uh... Don't!
10:33 Don't! Don't!
10:36 Don't!
10:38 Don't! This time.
10:40 Don't!
10:41 Uh... Don't!
10:44 Yeesh!
10:45 This house stinks!
10:47 You're not just putting the new newspapers over the old ones, are you?
10:50 Do you have a better idea?
10:53 Now, I know we love the puppies very much.
10:56 but I think they're getting to be a problem.
10:59 Yeah, they ate all my socks. I have to wear leases to school today.
11:02 How do you explain the culottes, boy? Well, I have to coordinate, don't I?
11:06 Your mother and I have been thinking about giving the puppies away.
11:09 No!
11:10 Mainly your mother. Is that what we do in this family?
11:12 When someone becomes an inconvenience, we just get rid of them?
11:20 Hello?
11:22 Is anybody there?
11:28 All right, we'll give the dogs one more chance.
11:31 As long as the puppies don't do anything else wrong, they stay.
11:35 On a completely unrelated topic, I'm having a very, very important dinner party tonight.
11:41 Splendid! Who's coming?
11:43 Reverend Lovejoy, your old Army Drill Sergeant, and the Regional Director of the IRS.
11:50 Oh, just lovely, Marge. the whole town will hear what a perfect evening this was.
11:55 Nothing at all went wrong. Simpson, this evening has gone so flawlessly,
12:00 I'm gonna forget that you were mistakenly let out of the army a month early.
12:04 And I'm so impressed by this problem-free evening that there's no need for that audit.
12:08 A toast to the Simpsons.
12:11 And to the delectable turkey that's walking around the table.
12:15 Dear Lord, it's a demon bird.
12:25 Simpson!
12:26 See you at Reveille.
12:28 0500 tomorrow.
12:29 See you at the IRS.
12:31 See you in hell.
12:33 From heaven.
12:40 Well, we sure could use a pooch to guard the flock at the Flanderosa.
12:44 It'd be nice to have some companionship when Mother goes out on dates.
12:48 We could use a new pet over at the home,
12:51 seeing how he accidentally killed that smart-mouthed bird.
12:59 They don't like being broken up. We've got to be realistic, kids.
13:04 Who's going to have a big enough heart to take care of 25 puppies?
13:08 And I know the little fellas would love romping around my many acres,
13:13 chasing my many cars, drinking from my many toilets.
13:16 Who wouldn't? Mom, don't give the puppies to him He'll be mean to them
13:22 She's right, Homer There's something about his face I don't trust
13:31 I'm sorry, Mr.
13:32 Burns But you can't have these dogs Am I fired?
13:38 Oh, of course not They're your pets, you can do as you wish Good day, everyone
13:46 My, he certainly took that well.
13:48 A little too well, if you ask me.
13:50 I'm sure he's plotting some brilliant scheme to get those puppies.
13:56 There you go.
13:59 You too.
14:00 Honestly, sir, you just don't put the effort into your schemes that you used to.
14:16 Don't worry, folks.
14:17 We'll find your wallet.
14:18 Dogs!
14:19 Chief, you're getting powdered sugar all over my floor.
14:23 No, I'm not. No, I'm not.
14:24 I'm, um...
14:26 dusting for prints.
14:28 We don't have to wait for the cops.
14:30 Who can track the puppies better than their own mom and dad?
14:32 Let's go find your babies!
14:37 Dinner's on, dogs!
14:41 I'm sorry, kids. I don't think we're ever gonna find your greyhounds.
14:45 Maybe Mr. Burns will sell you one of the 25 we got last night.
15:04 Who knows what horrible things he's doing to those innocent little puppies.
15:16 Oh, there.
15:19 Now, wasn't that heavenly?
15:20 Don't you feel better, too?
15:23 He's giving them a bath.
15:26 There you are.
15:27 There you go, little fella.
15:30 And you...
15:34 Smithers, look.
15:36 He's standing up.
15:38 I've never seen anything so adorable.
15:40 You know who it reminds me of?
15:42 Benji?
15:42 No.
15:43 Lassie? No, no, no. A person. You know who I mean.
15:46 Snoop Doggy Dogg? Bob Barker? David Brenner?
15:50 No, no.
15:51 The person who's always standing and walking.
15:54 Rory Calhoun? That's it.
15:57 You stay with me.
15:59 You're the pick of the litter.
16:04 Maybe we were wrong about burns on this one.
16:10 Are you sure you want to go through with this, sir?
16:12 You do have a very full wardrobe, as it is.
16:15 Yes, but not completely full.
16:19 Oh, you see.
16:20 Some men hunt for sport. Others hunt for food.
16:26 The only thing I'm hunting for
16:31 is an outfit that looks good.
16:40 See my vest See my vest Made from real gorilla
16:46 chest Feel this sweater There's no better Than authentic Irish setter See this hat Twas
16:52 my cat My evening wear Vampire bat These white slippers Are albino African
16:58 endangered rhino Grizzly bear underwear Turtles necks I've got my share Parade of
17:04 poodle On my noodle It shall rest Try my red robin suit,
17:09 it comes one breast or two See my vest, see my vest, see my vest
17:19 Like my loafers, former gophers It was that,
17:25 or skin my chauffeurs But a greyhound for tuxedo would be best So let's prepare these
17:30 dogs You too for matching clogs See my vest,
17:34 see my vest Oh, please,
17:38 won't you see my vest?
17:43 I really like the vest. I gathered you.
17:47 He's gonna make a tuxedo out of our puppies.
17:49 Na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na.
17:52 All right. Sorry, you gotta admit it's catchy.
17:55 Come on, Smithers.
17:56 Let's go finish the little flea circuses off.
17:58 Except for little Monty, of course.
18:03 We gotta get the dogs out of there.
18:09 Shh, hush puppies.
18:11 We gotta get you out of here.
18:20 I know, the window.
18:22 No, Bart, what are you doing? Dogs always land on their feet.
18:25 That's cats.
18:26 No, it's dogs. I'll prove it.
18:31 Best two out of three.
18:35 Bart, look! A laundry chute!
18:38 Okay, guys, let's move!
18:47 Come on, come on!
18:50 I've got an idea!
19:02 Sorry, Monty, but you're too big for this ride.
19:12 Quick, let's get the... Going somewhere?
19:15 That's impossible.
19:16 How did you get here first?
19:18 Oh, there'll be plenty of time for explanations later.
19:21 Right now, I'll be taking my puppies back.
19:23 But they're ours. You stole them from us.
19:26 Here's a phone.
19:28 Call somebody who cares.
19:30 Everything!
19:31 Now, if you'll excuse us, children, the pups have a date with a fashion knife.
19:37 There!
19:39 Now you don't know which one's little Monty.
19:41 I guess if you don't want him to be part of your tuxedo,
19:43 you'll have to let the other dogs go, too.
19:46 Nice try.
19:48 Come on, little Monty, stand up.
19:51 Come on, stand up.
19:52 Do your trick. No, no, don't! Stay down, Monty!
19:55 No, don't get up! Stay down, boys!
20:00 Excellent.
20:08 Now it's simply a matter of bending down and picking up the one
20:14 and only...
20:17 This can't be happening.
20:19 They're all standing.
20:20 I can't tell them apart.
20:24 Alright, you win.
20:26 I'll have to kill them all.
20:31 But they're so wretchedly adorable.
20:33 Twenty-five little Rory Calhouns.
20:37 I can't do it, but I can kill you.
20:42 No, I can't kill you either.
20:45 Look at you,
20:46 standing there on your hind legs like a couple of Rory Calhouns.
20:54 Well, Mr. Burns, I hope you've realized the folly of killing innocent animals for fashion.
20:58 Oh, I have, I have.
21:00 I swear I'll never wear any clothing made from an animal that can do an amusing trick.
21:07 Another victory for Montgomery Burns' champion greyhounds.
21:10 25 dogs, 25 world champions, which so far have earned their owner over $10 million.
21:15 I'll bet whoever gave him those dogs is kicking themselves now.
21:22 Homer, for the love of God, no!
21:26 Marge,
21:27 you know that batting this light bulb is the only thing that cheers me up after giving
21:31 away those million-dollar greyhounds.
21:56 Thank you.
22:26 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Chief Wiggum, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Kent Brockman, Reverend Lovejoy, Santa's Little Helper, Lou, Jimbo Jones, Snowball II, Kirk Van Houten, Luann Van Houten, Sarah Wiggum, Arnie Pye, Jebediah Springfield, The Rich Texan, Luigi Risotto, Dowager, Greyhound Puppies, Nanny, Always Comes in Second, Drill Sergeant, I'm Number Three, Regional Director of the IRS, She's the Fastest, Springfield Pet Shop owner, Ugly Dog

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character