# Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One)

The Simpsons, season 6, episode 25 (S06E25), first aired May 21, 1995.
Written by Bill Oakley and Josh Weinstein. Directed by Jeffrey Lynch. Production code 2F16.
Guest stars: Tito Puente.
Chalkboard gag: "This is not a clue...or is it?". Couch gag: Repeating Room.

When Springfield Elementary strikes oil, Mr. Burns steals it by slant drilling, wrecking Bart's treehouse, shutting Moe's Tavern and costing Groundskeeper Willie and Tito Puente their jobs. Homer seethes when Burns still can't remember his name, and after Burns unveils a giant device to block out the sun, an unseen gunman shoots him, leaving much of the town under suspicion.

Who's in it: Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Nelson Muntz, Otto Mann, Jasper Beardsley, Ralph Wiggum, Patty Bouvier, Reverend Lovejoy, Selma Bouvier, Groundskeeper Willie, Santa's Little Helper, Lou, Lewis Clark, Richard, Jimbo Jones, Miss Hoover, Todd Flanders, Maude Flanders, Snowball II, Rod Flanders, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Mayor Quimby, Sideshow Mel, Kirk Van Houten, Larry Dalrymple, Hans Moleman, Luann Van Houten, Helen Lovejoy, Sam, Bernice Hibbert, Agnes Skinner, Becky Shorter, Dolph Starbeam, Horatio McCallister, Comic Book Guy, Snake, Girl with glasses, Long-haired girl, Ruth Powers, Buck-toothed boy, Gareth Prince, Dewey Largo, Superintendent Chalmers, Lionel Hutz, Sarah Wiggum, Herman Hermann, Gloria Prince, Boy with shades, Sanjay Nahasapeemapetilon, Old Jewish Man, Alice Glick, Lunchlady Dora, Bumblebee Man, Black Weasel, Wanda, Princess Kashmir, Jack Marley, Jacqueline Bouvier, Mayor Quimby's Bodyguards, Mr. Hippie, African-American Teacher, Karl, Leopold, Tito Puente, Veterinarian, Harlan Dondelinger, Bob Arnold, Faith Crowley, Superdude, Air Safety Inspector 1, Air Safety Inspector 2, Brunella Pommelhorst, Guillermo, Nuclear Employee 1, Nuclear Employee 2, Nuclear Employee 3, Oil Driller, Parcel Processor.

Every line said in the episode, and when. Its moments aren't described yet. The dialogue is from the episode's subtitles.

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## Every line

- 0:03 The Simpsons
- 0:34 Ah, is there nothing so intoxicating as the school hallway at early morn?
- 0:42 School normally doesn't smell so rank.
- 0:45 Ah, wash, base, and fresh.
- 0:48 That funk must be coming from one of the classrooms.
- 0:52 Ah,
- 0:55 poor fellow, crushed by his own water bottle.
- 1:03 Willie, sometime over the holiday weekend, the beloved grade four gerbil, super dude,
- 1:08 lost his life.
- 1:09 I need you to air out the classroom and give super dude a proper burial.
- 1:16 Yeah, you're lucky you're getting a decent burial.
- 1:18 Me own father got thrown in the bug.
- 1:22 Dave, what in the name of Satan, Ephesiocritus?
- 1:35 Yuck, what reeks? Smells like one of Van Houten's.
- 1:39 It does not.
- 1:45 Miss Hoover, the floor is shaking.
- 1:48 Ralph, remember the time you thought...
- 1:54 Now, before we adjourn, gentlemen, I have one last matter of utmost importance.
- 1:59 I need to send this parcel with the profit projections to Pete Porter in Pasadena.
- 2:02 And it absolutely positively has to be there overnight.
- 2:08 Pete Porter, pass it on. Pasadena, promptly.
- 2:10 Package for parcel processing, pronto.
- 2:13 Forgot Brenda Gas profoundly pressing package of power plant profit projections for Pete
- 2:15 Porter in Pasadena. Priority. Precisely.
- 2:29 Here's your package, Mr. Burns.
- 2:33 My name is the return address, you senseless dunderpate.
- 2:36 Smithers, who is this nincompoop?
- 2:39 I've worked here for ten years, and my boss doesn't even know my name.
- 2:43 Well, that's gonna change right now.
- 2:45 My name is Homer J. Zip.
- 2:49 Sounded large when I ordered it.
- 2:51 I can't make Haydn or Hare of these metric booby traps.
- 2:55 My lord.
- 2:57 Such destruction.
- 3:00 Super Agenda Chalmers, how are you going?
- 3:02 Why is it when I heard the word school and the word exploded,
- 3:06 I immediately thought of the word school...
- 3:08 Get it!
- 3:09 Congratulations, gentlemen. Your custodians struck oil.
- 3:11 You're standing on top of the richest elementary school in the state.
- 3:16 He also found this.
- 3:18 Thank you, super dude.
- 3:28 A non-profit organization with oil? I won't allow it.
- 3:32 An oil whale doesn't belong in the hands of Betsy Bleeding Heart and Maynard G.
- 3:35 Musky Vote.
- 3:37 Sir, have you had enough
- 3:41 exercise for this morning?
- 3:42 No.
- 3:44 Let's go another 20 miles.
- 3:55 Hello, Lenny, Carl, Guillermo.
- 3:58 Hello, uh, uh, oh, um, um.
- 4:03 Don't take it so hard, Homer. He's always screwing up people's names.
- 4:07 Yeah, at the picnic, he thought my son, Reynaldo, was my son, Rolando.
- 4:10 Can you believe that?
- 4:13 Whew.
- 4:15 Superintendent, we made the front page today.
- 4:19 Now what's that say under your hand there?
- 4:22 It's an unrelated article. It's an unrelated article?
- 4:25 Within the banner headline? Yes.
- 4:28 Now, to redirect our conversation slightly,
- 4:30 I had a few ideas on how to spend this oil money.
- 4:32 Well, we could give each student a full college scholarship.
- 4:43 Oh, mercy. Seriously, though, before we draw up the budget,
- 4:47 I believe the students and faculty have a few suggestions.
- 4:50 Eh, want a crystal bucket for my slot water?
- 4:52 Ooh, and a brand new filthy blanket.
- 4:57 The cafeteria staff is complaining about the mice in the kitchen.
- 5:00 I want to hire a new staff.
- 5:04 I'd like to start a jazz program for the music department.
- 5:07 We've got a really great instructor lined up.
- 5:12 Cheeto plenty!
- 5:15 He's ready to give up the drudgery of the professional mambo circuit and settle into a
- 5:19 nice teaching job. Man, it will be my pleasure.
- 5:23 Lisa has told me all your students are as bright and dedicated to jazz as she is.
- 5:28 Let's go now, Mr. Puente.
- 5:32 Chocolate microscopes?
- 5:33 You know these guitars that are like double guitars, you know?
- 5:36 More rubber stamps.
- 5:39 Principal Skinner, this is your secretary.
- 5:41 There is one last student here to see you.
- 5:43 That's odd.
- 5:44 I don't have a secretary or an intercom, but send him in.
- 5:48 Oi there, Dean.
- 5:49 I understand you're taking suggestions from students, eh?
- 5:55 Well,
- 5:55 me and my fourth-formed chums think it would be quite corking if you'd sign over your oil
- 6:00 well to the local energy concern.
- 6:02 Mr. Burns,
- 6:03 it was naive of you to think I would mistake this town's most prominent 104-year-old man
- 6:08 for one of my elementary school students.
- 6:10 I want that oil well. I've got a monopoly to maintain.
- 6:13 I own the electric company and the waterworks, plus the hotel on Baltic Avenue.
- 6:17 That hotel's a dump and your monopoly's pathetic.
- 6:19 The school's oil well is not for sale,
- 6:22 particularly to a black-hearted scoundrel like yourself.
- 6:24 I see.
- 6:26 Then I'll just have to attack you!
- 6:29 I must have that oil.
- 6:34 Smithers, Smithers, help me subdue this beast.
- 6:38 Sorry, sir, this is all I can find. Take that and that.
- 6:42 Please don't waste those.
- 6:49 I'm happy for the school.
- 6:50 It sounds like this money is going to provide a lot of new opportunities.
- 6:53 Big deal.
- 6:55 They didn't approve my idea. They said it was unfeasible.
- 6:57 It is unfeasible to resurrect the dead, Bart.
- 6:59 And even if the Three Stooges were alive, I doubt they'd want to hang around with you.
- 7:03 Oh, yeah.
- 7:04 I guess they probably want to be with their families or something, huh?
- 7:06 Oh, I hate my job. I mean,
- 7:09 what's the point when your boss doesn't even remember your name?
- 7:11 I have an idea.
- 7:13 What? What's your idea? When my father was first trying to catch my mother's eye,
- 7:17 he sent her a box of candy with his photo in it.
- 7:19 After that, she never forgot him. That's all well and good,
- 7:22 but it's not really your idea, is it now, Marge?
- 7:26 That's it.
- 7:27 Frimble about with your widgets and doobabs.
- 7:30 It'll all be a monument to futility when my plan comes to fruition.
- 7:35 Sir, what I'm about to say violates every sycophantic urge in my body,
- 7:39 but I wish you would reconsider. This isn't a rival company you're battling with.
- 7:42 It's a school. People won't stand for it.
- 7:44 Pish posh. It would be like taking candy from a baby.
- 7:48 Say, that sounds like a larth.
- 7:50 Let's try it right now.
- 7:54 There's some candy right here, sir.
- 7:56 Why don't we eat this instead of stealing?
- 7:58 Oh, very well.
- 8:01 Hmm.
- 8:03 Oh, look. There's a photo in here.
- 8:07 Yes.
- 8:08 I believe that little Maggie Simpson, the baby who found my precious Diddy Bear Boo Boo.
- 8:12 Oh, and that Simpson Mutt, my former guard dog.
- 8:16 Oh, and that's Bart Simpson. He was my heir for a brief period, you know?
- 8:21 Yes, sir.
- 8:22 I remember.
- 8:27 Anything left?
- 8:29 Only the sour quince logs, sir.
- 8:33 Dispose of it
- 8:34 And send a thank you note to Marge, Bert, Lisa and Maggie Simpson
- 8:46 Today Springfield Elementary embarks on a new era An era of unbridled spending where
- 8:51 petrodollars will fuel our wildest educational fantasies These young minds will enjoy
- 8:55 every academic advantage
- 8:58 Until they enter Springfield High School,
- 9:00 which has no oil well We got an air hockey table.
- 9:02 Fine.
- 9:03 Now to switch on our oil pump for the very first time, here's our top student,
- 9:08 Lisa Simpson.
- 9:09 Nerd!
- 9:18 There's no pressure!
- 9:19 Someone else has tapped this well! Ay caramba!
- 9:32 Ah, soon that mighty apparatus will burst forth with its precious fluid.
- 9:38 Almost sexual, isn't it, Smithers?
- 9:42 Oil ho!
- 9:46 Bizarre!
- 10:14 Holy Christmas!
- 10:20 Your dog's condition has been upgraded from stable to frisky, and he's free to go.
- 10:24 His leg should be as good as new in a few months, but in the meantime,
- 10:26 he'll have to use the wheelabout.
- 10:29 I'll get even with whoever did this to you, boy.
- 10:32 I swear it.
- 10:33 Whoops, almost forgot.
- 10:35 Wouldn't want you to nod on those casts, eh, boy?
- 10:41 I'm afraid we've got no legal recourse against Mr.
- 10:44 Burns and his slant drilling operation. The oil belongs to whoever pumped it first.
- 10:47 What about all the expensive stuff we wanted?
- 10:49 Can we still have it? No.
- 10:54 Blast it! In fact,
- 10:55 to pay for the construction and operation and demolition of our new Derek the School will
- 10:59 have to eliminate all non-essential programs.
- 11:01 Music, and maintenance.
- 11:04 I'll kill that Mr. Burns and wound that Mr.
- 11:10 Smithers.
- 11:11 Oh no, that's awful, Mr. Puente.
- 11:16 What?
- 11:17 Oh, he owns the nuclear power plant.
- 11:20 Yeah, I'd like to settle his hash too.
- 11:23 Dad, how could you work for a man like Mr.
- 11:25 Burns?
- 11:25 Well, he's not all bad.
- 11:27 He did send me this nice thank you card.
- 11:29 Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie.
- 11:31 Dad, this doesn't have your name on it.
- 11:37 Kids, why don't you step outside for a second?
- 11:41 Ah,
- 11:46 dear Lord!
- 11:47 That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard!
- 11:52 These fumes aren't as fun as beer.
- 11:54 Sure, I'm all dizzy and nauseous. Where's the inflated sense of self-esteem?
- 12:03 Hey, if you guys are getting loaded off them fumes, I'm gonna have to charge you.
- 12:07 Man alive!
- 12:08 There are men alive in here.
- 12:10 I'm detecting over 20 different toxins in the air.
- 12:15 All right, everybody out. As long as Burns is pumping oil, this bar is closed.
- 12:19 Damn Burns. Let me just get one thing.
- 12:24 Me too.
- 12:27 Now there's the inflated sense of self-esteem.
- 12:42 Earthquake!
- 12:49 Nice!
- 13:00 Well, sir, you've certainly vanquished all your enemies.
- 13:02 The elementary school, the local tavern, the old age home.
- 13:05 You must be very proud.
- 13:06 No, not while my greatest nemesis still provides our customers with free light,
- 13:11 heat and energy. I call this enemy the sun.
- 13:25 Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun.
- 13:28 I will do the next best thing.
- 13:31 Block it out.
- 13:37 Good God! Imagine it, Smithers.
- 13:40 Electrical lights and heaters running all day long.
- 13:43 But, sir, every plant and tree will die.
- 13:46 Owls will deafen us with incessant hooting.
- 13:48 The town's sundial will be useless.
- 13:51 I don't want any part of this project. It's unconscionably fiendish.
- 13:55 I will not suffer your insubordination.
- 13:57 There has been a shocking decline in the quality and quantity of your toadying,
- 14:01 Whelan, and you will fall into line. Now!
- 14:03 No.
- 14:05 No, Monty, I won't. Not until you step back from the brink of insanity.
- 14:10 I'll do no such thing.
- 14:11 You're fired.
- 14:19 Take that bolderama.
- 14:21 Take that convenient smart. Take that nuclear power play.
- 14:25 Do fiddlesticks.
- 14:32 I must say Mr. Burns is being awfully inconsiderate.
- 14:36 Selfish, even.
- 14:37 Burns needs some serious booster for zoo, right, Dad?
- 14:41 Dad?
- 14:42 Homer!
- 14:46 Sorry, Grandpa, it's just that for a second.
- 14:48 It looked like Dad had melted.
- 14:49 Well, get used to it, because I'm living here now.
- 14:51 I ain't going back to the retirement home until they fish my bed out of that sinkhole.
- 14:56 String carrots for Maggie, string carrots for Grandpa.
- 14:59 I want a bib too.
- 15:02 Spithers, who is that ignoramus? Spithers, who is that lollygagger?
- 15:06 Who is that blubberpot?
- 15:07 Who is that baffle witch?
- 15:09 Pudding head, moon cat, limp, gul, drizzle puss, fumble fist.
- 15:12 Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! Get out!
- 15:15 What?
- 15:18 Just a minute.
- 15:33 Who the devil are you?
- 15:37 Homer Simpson!
- 15:38 What? What are you talking about? Don't really make sense, man.
- 15:41 I can't understand a word you're saying.
- 15:43 Homer Simpson! You're just babbling in. Homer Simpson!
- 15:46 Oh, you're a dead man, Homer.
- 15:47 Oh, you're dead. You're dead, birds!
- 15:51 Hey, the lamp's running away.
- 15:53 That's my dog, man. So long, lamp.
- 15:56 Now, stop loafing and help your grandpa unpack.
- 16:01 Wow.
- 16:02 That's my old Smith & Wesson.
- 16:04 If you're going to play with it, be careful because it's loaded.
- 16:08 Bart, put that down.
- 16:09 Guns are very dangerous and I won't have them in this house.
- 16:13 How can you have a house without a gun? What if a bear came through the door?
- 16:18 I'm going to bury it in the yard where little hands can't get to it.
- 16:22 You should have fired into the air. She would have run off.
- 16:28 People, take it easy.
- 16:30 We're all upset about Mr. Burns' plan to block out our son.
- 16:34 It is time for decisive action.
- 16:37 I have here a polite but firm letter to Mr.
- 16:39 Burns' underlings, who, with some cajoling, will pass it along to him,
- 16:44 or at least give him the gist of it.
- 16:46 Sir, a lot of people are stroking guns.
- 16:48 Also, it has been brought to my attention that a number of you are stroking guns.
- 16:52 Therefore, I will step aside and open up the floor.
- 16:54 Mr. Burns was the closest thing I ever had to a friend.
- 16:59 But he fired me,
- 17:00 and now I spend my days drinking cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central.
- 17:05 Oh, dear God.
- 17:07 Uh-huh.
- 17:07 Not that bad. I mean, I never miss parting my zinger.
- 17:10 Burns cost me my groundskeeping job at the school,
- 17:13 and I'm too superstitious to take the one at the cemetery.
- 17:17 Uh, cause of him, I lost my room, my things,
- 17:20 and my buddy's collection of old sunbathing magazines.
- 17:24 You bested. I lost my bar. I lost his bar.
- 17:28 He robbed the school of music.
- 17:30 He robbed the school of financial security.
- 17:32 He robbed the school of Tito. He can't remember my name.
- 17:35 He's causing us all to yell.
- 17:37 Look what he did to my best friend.
- 17:40 What?
- 17:41 No, my dog.
- 17:51 Those wheels are squeaking a bit.
- 17:53 Perhaps I could sell him a little oil.
- 17:57 You twisted old monster!
- 18:03 I've decided to protect myself ever since I was attacked in my office by an unidentified
- 18:07 assailant.
- 18:10 Arr!
- 18:10 Burns, your scurvy schemes will earn ye a one-way passage to the boneyard.
- 18:15 I'd like to hear from Sideshow Mal.
- 18:18 I'll see to it that Mr. Burns suffers the infernal machinations of hell's grim tyrant.
- 18:24 Yeah.
- 18:25 Oh, you all talk big.
- 18:27 But who here has the guts to stop me?
- 18:36 Very well.
- 18:37 One last question.
- 18:38 Have you ever seen the sunset at 3 p.m.?
- 18:43 I, once, when I was sailing round the Arctic...
- 18:47 Shut up, you. Take one last look at the sun, Springfield.
- 19:00 Oh,
- 19:04 my God.
- 19:06 Oh, my God.
- 19:12 Hey, hey!
- 19:14 I've been in Reno for six weeks. Did I miss anything?
- 19:18 What the...
- 19:22 Eternal darkness.
- 19:23 Well, that's just great.
- 19:26 Listen, someone's got to get that Mr. Burns.
- 19:28 Where's that gun-toting lowlife when you need one?
- 19:31 Sorry, I was in the can.
- 19:36 Ah, perpetual twilight, bathed in the glow of Burns brand electricity.
- 19:42 Hello, lamp post.
- 19:44 Whatcha knowin'? I've come to watch your power flowin'.
- 19:52 That's odd.
- 19:53 Mr. Smith has left his jacket behind.
- 19:57 Whoa, that's odd.
- 19:59 Principal Skinner left his mother behind.
- 20:07 That's odd.
- 20:08 Where's Homer? And Bart? And Lisa? And Grandpa?
- 20:17 After all these years, things are finally starting to go my way.
- 20:21 I feel like celebrating.
- 20:24 I... Oh, it's you. What are you so happy about?
- 20:27 I see.
- 20:29 I think you'd better drop it.
- 20:31 I said drop it.
- 20:35 Get your hands off.
- 20:39 Where is everybody?
- 20:45 Hey, Mia.
- 20:47 Are you okay?
- 20:50 What?
- 20:51 dignify that with response.
- 20:57 Mr. Burns has been shot.
- 20:59 Just a minute.
- 21:00 This isn't Mr. Burns at all. It's a mask.
- 21:07 Wait, it is Burns.
- 21:10 His wrinkly skin looks like a mask. I don't think we'll ever know who did this.
- 21:14 Everyone in town's a suspect.
- 21:25 Well, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery.
- 21:28 Can you?
- 21:32 Yeah, I'll give it a shot. I mean, it's my job, right?
- 21:54 Thank you.
- 22:28 Shh.