# Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming

The Simpsons, season 7, episode 9 (S07E09), first aired November 26, 1995.
Written by Spike Feresten. Directed by Dominic Polcino. Production code 3F08.
Guest stars: Kelsey Grammer as Sideshow Bob; R. Lee Ermey as Colonel Leslie Hapablap.
Chalkboard gag: "Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things". Couch gag: Sea Monster.

Assigned to a prison work crew at an Air Force base before its air show, Sideshow Bob makes off with a ten-megaton nuclear bomb and vows to set it off if Springfield does not shut down every TV broadcast. Mayor Quimby gives in, but Krusty defies the ban with a makeshift show from an emergency shed, and Bart and Lisa track Bob to the Duff Blimp he has hijacked.

Who's in it: Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Ned Flanders, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Dr. Hibbert, Kent Brockman, Jasper Beardsley, Martin Prince, Todd Flanders, Mayor Quimby, Sideshow Mel, Professor Frink, Bernice Hibbert, Becky Shorter, Old Jewish Man, Bumblebee Man, Sideshow Bob, Hazel, Rupert Murdoch, Dwight D. Eisenhower, E-mail, Air Force Guard, Airshow Tour Guide, Brown-haired prisoner, Cannibal, Colonel Leslie Hapablap, Duff Vendor, Parking Lot Guard, Probe Alien, Soldier.

Every line said in the episode, and when. Its moments aren't described yet. The dialogue is from the episode's subtitles.

Web page: https://ultrahouse3k.com/episode/s07e09-sideshow-bobs-last-gleaming
From Ultrahouse 3000 (https://ultrahouse3k.com/). Search engines and AI are welcome to use it: search=yes, ai-input=yes, ai-train=yes.

## Every line

- 0:32 I'd like to thank everybody who contributed to Krusty's canned food drive.
- 0:38 Your generous donations have made this our slipperiest,
- 0:42 slimiest slapstickle course ever!
- 0:46 Our contestants will drop out of my nose and blurp into a tub of refried beans.
- 0:53 From there, they'll stumble down a sluice of rich eggy bernet sauce.
- 0:58 How can we afford it?
- 1:00 It's rancid!
- 1:02 And at the finish line, a scrumptious parfait of pudding,
- 1:06 pickle brine and detergent where a writhing pile of kids will grope blindly for hot
- 1:12 dogs!
- 1:13 Crusty, please.
- 1:14 It burns!
- 1:17 Oh, just think, Elise. That's our pickle brine burning Sideshow Mel.
- 1:21 That Sideshow Mel thinks he's so big.
- 1:24 Whatever happened to Sideshow Bob? Don't you remember, Dad?
- 1:27 He framed Krusty.
- 1:29 He tried to kill Aunt Selma. He rigged an election.
- 1:33 And he tried to murder me.
- 1:35 Oh, yeah.
- 1:37 But what I'll mainly remember is the laughter.
- 1:40 I wonder what he's doing now.
- 1:44 Ah, Westminster Abbey. Edward the Confessor himself could not have done better.
- 1:49 Now to set the clocks to Greenwich Mean Time.
- 1:55 My dear Abby.
- 2:05 Oh, must you bray night and day at that infernal television.
- 2:09 Oh, look who's talking. Yeah, Bob. You used to be on this show.
- 2:13 Don't remind me.
- 2:15 My foolish capering destroyed more young minds than syphilis and pinball combined.
- 2:20 Oh, how I loathe that box.
- 2:24 That's omnidirectional sludge pump droning and burping Look here,
- 2:29 that's enough now I own 60% of that network Alright, break it up,
- 2:33 boys It's time for work detail
- 2:35 I suppose you don't like tabloid newspapers either
- 2:45 There, that's the last condom wrapper
- 2:51 Oh,
- 2:52 I renew my objection to this pointless endeavor Informally now and by affidavit later
- 2:57 Time permitting Shut your word hole We gotta get this place clean for the air show Air
- 3:03 show?
- 3:04 Buzz cut Alabamians spewing colored smoke from their whiz jets To the strains of rock you
- 3:09 like a hurricane What kind of country fried rube is still impressed by that?
- 3:15 Yeah!
- 3:20 I want to meet the first female stealth bomber pilot.
- 3:23 During the Gulf War, she destroyed 70 mosques, and her name is Lisa, too.
- 3:27 I want to see some birds get sucked into the engines.
- 3:29 Rare ones. This year, I'm making earplugs out of biscuit, though.
- 3:34 They're ready.
- 3:39 So weirly.
- 3:46 Grandma, this is my friend, Craig.
- 3:51 Friend? You mean you two aren't knocking boots?
- 3:56 Ever do the backseat mambo, Craigie?
- 3:59 I know that voice.
- 4:01 TV's bottomless chum bucket has claimed Vanessa Redgrave.
- 4:06 Now I'm gonna haul ass to Lollapalooza.
- 4:10 Yee-haw!
- 4:12 Farewell, dear Vanessa.
- 4:20 Hey, you!
- 4:21 The state's not paying you five cents an hour to stand around.
- 4:25 Now get busy. Oh, I'll get busy.
- 4:27 I'll get very busy indeed.
- 4:36 You still got it, Bob.
- 4:40 Way to guard the parking lot, Top Gun.
- 4:42 I have three medals for this.
- 4:47 Hey, where is Sideshow Bob and that guy who eats people and takes their faces?
- 4:51 I'm right here, Chief.
- 4:53 Oh, then where's Sideshow Bob?
- 4:55 He ran off. Oh, great.
- 4:58 Well, if anyone asks, I beat him to death, okay?
- 5:02 Right.
- 5:10 At this point in time,
- 5:11 I would like to direct your attention to the particular air vehicle next to which I am
- 5:14 currently standing, the Harrier Jet,
- 5:16 is one of our more dollar-intensive ordnance delivery vectors.
- 5:19 Five tires?
- 5:20 Am I seeing things?
- 5:22 And although it looks complicated, it is so well designed, even a child could fly it.
- 5:26 Can I fly it? Of course you cannot.
- 5:32 Free Duff!
- 5:34 Viva life! Oh, my God.
- 5:50 Take that, Mom.
- 5:53 Take that, Dad.
- 5:54 Send me to a psychiatrist, will you?
- 5:57 Take that, Dr. Sally Waxler.
- 6:07 Colonel, they're expecting you at the podium in ten minutes.
- 6:10 Yeah, well...
- 6:22 Hmm.
- 6:26 What in the world according to Garp?
- 6:29 Those are my dress towels.
- 6:32 Who's in my private washroom?
- 6:34 McGucket, let me in. The door already is closed.
- 6:38 What?
- 6:39 This is Colonel Leslie Hap, Hapablap.
- 6:42 If you don't open that door, I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a snot party.
- 6:46 You say you're in the military? Sweet, I know the gays, son.
- 6:50 I'm gonna come in there and corpse you up.
- 6:52 Corpse you up and mail you to Mama.
- 6:57 Well, where'd he go?
- 7:01 Got my knuckles all lined up for nothing
- 7:06 Sorry, ladies
- 7:12 Look at that hunk of junk
- 7:16 You're ignorant That's the Wright Brothers plane At Kitty Hawk in 1903
- 7:22 Charles Lindbergh flew it 15 miles on a thimble full of corn oil Single
- 7:27 -handedly won us the Civil War, it did. So how do you know so much about American history?
- 7:32 I pieced it together, mostly from sugar packets.
- 7:39 Authorization code? Code?
- 7:41 Son, this is Colonel Happablap.
- 7:43 That fool McGugget sprayed runway foam all over Chuck Yeager's Acura.
- 7:47 Now get down there with the chamois triple time.
- 7:49 But, Colonel, I'm under strict orders. Sweet Enola Gay, son.
- 7:52 Get moving, I'll tear you up like a Kleenex Edison.
- 7:56 snot party.
- 7:57 Sir, right away, sir!
- 8:06 They didn't have any aspirin, so I got you some cigarettes.
- 8:10 Maybe my headache will go away once the show starts.
- 8:15 Ladies and gentlemen, what a day for an air show!
- 8:20 Not a cloud in the sky!
- 8:23 Except perhaps.
- 8:25 A mushroom cloud.
- 8:41 To slip the surly bonds of Earth and touch the face of God.
- 8:48 To fly the dream of man and flightless bird alike.
- 8:52 And now,
- 8:54 hold on tight as we blast through the thrilling highlights of aviation history!
- 9:03 Say, did somebody say box kite? No!
- 9:10 The common box kite was originally used as a means of drawing wet strings.
- 9:27 I have to play that rock music every note is pounding into my skull!
- 9:38 Anybody out there feel the need for speed?
- 9:42 Yay!
- 9:44 And get ready for the pride of the United States Air Force!
- 9:48 The British made Harrier Jump Jet! Here I am!
- 9:55 Dad, why aren't you looking?
- 9:57 I jerked my neck around like a goon when to RenoVision decides what I should look at.
- 10:02 Ooh, look, it's Maggie!
- 10:06 Uh, Maggie?
- 10:08 Sight Show Bob!
- 10:11 Hello, Springfield.
- 10:13 Sorry to divert your attention from all the big noises and shiny things,
- 10:18 but something's been troubling me lately.
- 10:20 television wouldn't our lives be so much richer if television were done away
- 10:26 with what sure he's not talking about vh1 why we could revive the lost arts of
- 10:32 conversation and scrimshaw thus i submit to you we abolish television
- 10:38 permanently go back to massachusetts pinko oh and one more thing i've
- 10:43 stolen a nuclear weapon.
- 10:46 If you do not rid this city of television within two hours, I will detonate it.
- 10:51 Farewell.
- 10:55 By the way, I'm aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it,
- 10:59 so don't bother pointing that out.
- 11:03 Kids, everything's gonna be okay. Don't panic, just don't panic.
- 11:07 Mom, mom, you're stepping on my heels and knocking my shoes off.
- 11:10 We can always get more shoes. Move, move, move.
- 11:14 Stamp your hand for re-entry.
- 11:19 Hey.
- 11:20 Cool.
- 11:21 I want to be around when those guns start going off.
- 11:25 Bart, no!
- 11:27 Wait! Wait! My children are in there! You must be very proud, ma'am.
- 11:35 Our city will not negotiate with terrorists.
- 11:38 Is there a city nearby that will? No need, sir.
- 11:41 We'll find that head case faster than Garfield finds lasagna.
- 11:45 Oh, I'm sorry. My wife thought that was gangbusters.
- 11:55 This elevator only goes to the basement.
- 11:58 And someone made an awful mess down there.
- 12:05 Watch out! He's got his prune!
- 12:12 Bart!
- 12:15 What are you doing? We've got to get out of here.
- 12:17 Target sighted. Launching air to nerd missile.
- 12:19 Ow!
- 12:20 Come on! Mom and Dad are waiting.
- 12:23 Bob is not here.
- 12:24 We have searched every square inch of this base, and all we have found is porno.
- 12:30 Porno! Porno!
- 12:32 We have only 20 minutes left.
- 12:34 Send in the esteemed representatives of television.
- 12:41 Hey, hey!
- 12:42 Now this is my kind of meeting. Gentlemen, it's time we face up to the unface-up-toable.
- 12:48 We must sacrifice television in order to save the lives of our townspeople.
- 12:53 Whoa!
- 12:55 Ho, ho!
- 12:56 Let's not go nuts!
- 12:58 Would it really be worth living in a world without television?
- 13:01 I think the survivors would envy the dead.
- 13:06 I appreciate your passion on behalf of your medium, but I'm afraid we're out of options.
- 13:13 Television must go.
- 13:15 May God have mercy on our souls.
- 13:24 And as my final newscast draws to a close,
- 13:27 I'm reminded of a few of the events that brought me closer to you.
- 13:29 The collapse of the Soviet Union, premium ice cream price wars,
- 13:33 dogs that were mistakenly issued major credit cards, and others who weren't so lucky.
- 13:37 And so, farewell.
- 13:41 And don't forget to look for my new column in PC World Magazine.
- 13:48 Muchas gracias, amigos, por todas las memorias.
- 13:52 Y super gracias a Goya.
- 13:57 Success!
- 13:58 They're giving in!
- 14:00 Blast!
- 14:01 I should have made more demands!
- 14:04 Some decent local marmalade, for one.
- 14:07 Oh, well, next time.
- 14:08 Ah!
- 14:09 Now my extender glove! Oh, they haven't made those since the war.
- 14:12 Not... Oh, not my Paris backdrop!
- 14:15 How am I gonna make fun of the frogs?
- 14:17 Oh, ho, ho, ho.
- 14:20 Wait.
- 14:21 If I could only stay on the air, I'd have 100% of the audience.
- 14:27 Think of the ratings.
- 14:31 Okay, so we can't go over the fence. I feel so helpless.
- 14:34 What if something happens to them? I'm sure they're fine, honey.
- 14:39 Well, at least they're wearing clean underwear.
- 14:46 Free and easy, Lise.
- 14:48 There's nothing like an unfurnished basement for pure comfort.
- 14:52 Huh?
- 14:52 Hurry up. Mom and Dad are probably worried sick.
- 14:56 You know what really frost my Calvinator?
- 14:59 That fruit cup's probably still laughing at us from his damn hidey-hole.
- 15:03 I'd rather take an order from Bill Clinton than hear that guy's snooty,
- 15:06 high-toned voice again, sir.
- 15:08 High-toned voice?
- 15:10 Bart, that's it. I know where Sideshow Bob is hiding.
- 15:15 When Bob broadcast that message, his voice was higher than normal.
- 15:18 And what makes your voice high?
- 15:20 Tight-blinding underwear.
- 15:22 Helium!
- 15:23 Sideshow Bob is in a duff limb!
- 15:28 All Springfield trembles before the might of Sideshow Bob.
- 15:33 blasted helium.
- 15:35 Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo. Ha ha, that's better.
- 15:39 Gone.
- 15:40 Gone too.
- 15:41 Fabulous.
- 15:42 Marvellous.
- 15:44 This is the emergency broadcast system.
- 15:46 Stand by for an urgent bulletin. Hey, hey!
- 15:51 Krusty the Clown is back on the air.
- 15:53 Eight, no, no, twelve hours a day.
- 15:56 The only game in town.
- 15:58 Krusty?
- 15:59 But how?
- 16:00 Coming at you live from the Civil Defense Shack in the remote alkali flats of the Springfield
- 16:06 Badlands.
- 16:07 I'll be beaming out 11 watts of wackiness, hour after hour of unscripted,
- 16:13 unrehearsed comedy featuring, uh, you know,
- 16:16 Professor Gascan and former President Ike Eisenhower.
- 16:22 Let's get busy.
- 16:25 Oh, my utopia lies in ruins. What's that?
- 16:29 How naive of me to think a mere atom bomb could fell the chattering Cyclops.
- 16:41 Well, at least I'll have my revenge.
- 16:44 Bob, no!
- 16:45 Don't you see? That would be taking the easy way out.
- 16:48 I agree.
- 17:09 Best before November 1959 Damn it Bob There were plenty of brand new
- 17:15 bombs But you had to go for that retro 50's charm
- 17:20 Well if it isn't my arch nemesis Bart Simpson And his sister Lisa to whom I'm
- 17:25 fairly indifferent So Krusty double-crossed you But your basic plan was pure genius
- 17:32 Where do you get your ideas?
- 17:34 Oh,
- 17:35 please Let's not embarrass us both With that hoary old Stole the villain with flattery scheme
- 17:42 I should have known You were too smart to fall for that Really?
- 17:46 What type of smart?
- 17:47 Book smart?
- 17:48 Because there are a lot of people Who are book smart But it takes a very special type of
- 17:51 genius All right, Bob, it's over Come out with your hands up No!
- 17:56 How did they find me?
- 18:14 He's getting away!
- 18:19 Oh, not the Harrier.
- 18:21 We've got a war tomorrow.
- 18:23 God bless the idiot-proof Air Force.
- 18:31 They're gone.
- 18:35 Hell, not the Wright Brothers plane.
- 18:37 The Smithsonian's gonna have my ass on a platter.
- 18:44 Dad!
- 18:45 Help!
- 18:48 Hang on, boy!
- 18:50 Daddy's coming to save you!
- 18:54 Mom,
- 18:55 I found Sideshow Bob's hideout and I got a secret message to the police that I had a blimp
- 18:59 follow me and I was in an atomic blast, but I'm okay now.
- 19:02 Well, I wrecked that gate, but you don't hear me bragging.
- 19:05 Now let's roll.
- 19:11 Ah, for the days when aviation was a gentleman's pursuit.
- 19:15 Back before every Joe Sweatsock could wedge himself behind a lunch tray and jet off to
- 19:19 Raleigh Durham.
- 19:21 Are you getting lots of bugs in your mouth, too?
- 19:24 Yes.
- 19:28 Prepare to engage enemy.
- 19:31 Bogey's airspeed not sufficient for intercept.
- 19:34 Suggest me get out and walk.
- 19:42 Jump, boy! I gotcha! I'm coming!
- 19:54 Now you, boy!
- 19:56 You can't escape, Bob. If the tennis raggons don't get you, the pool skimmers will.
- 20:00 Oh, I never planned to escape.
- 20:03 You see, this is a kamikaze mission.
- 20:06 You and I are going to kill Krusty the Clown.
- 20:15 Kids, Itchy and Scratchy can't be here today.
- 20:18 but instead, we've got the next best thing.
- 20:21 It's the Stingy and Battery Show.
- 20:24 They bite and light and bite and light and bite.
- 20:27 Bite, bite, bite, yada, yada. You know what I'm talking about.
- 20:30 Uh-oh.
- 20:31 But you can't kill Krusty. He made you what you are.
- 20:35 Without him, you wouldn't even be called Sideshow.
- 20:41 What the hell is that, a lawnmower?
- 20:44 Yeah!
- 20:45 Get out of the way, Krusty!
- 20:56 What is the freakin' hold-up?
- 20:58 Die, Crusty!
- 21:02 Ooh,
- 21:08 sorry.
- 21:09 Uh, we don't normally drive these in the Air Force.
- 21:13 Gotcha!
- 21:13 Ha-ha, you TV-hatin' mutant. What is your major malfunction, Sideshow Bob?
- 21:20 My little sugar bug.
- 21:23 I'm so glad you're safe.
- 21:26 Mom, you're embarrassing me in front of the army guys.
- 21:30 How ironic.
- 21:32 My crusade against television has come to an end so formulaic it could have spewed from
- 21:37 the power book of the laziest Hollywood hack.
- 21:44 Hey, everybody. I'm gonna holler ass to Lollapalooza!
- 21:49 Here we go again!
- 22:40 Shh.
- 22:45 We'll be right back.