# The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular

The Simpsons, season 7, episode 10 (S07E10), first aired December 3, 1995.
Written by Jon Vitti. Directed by David Silverman. Production code 3F31.
Guest stars: Phil Hartman as Lionel Hutz; Phil Hartman as Troy McClure.
Chalkboard gag: "I will only do this once a year". Couch gag: Monster Couch couch gag, Off-Film couch gag, Citizens of Springfield couch gag, Shrunken Family couch gag, Angry Santa's Little Helper couch gag, Monty Python's Flying Circus Foot couch gag, Inverted Family couch gag, M.C. Escher couch gag, Moving Wall couch gag, Swimming Family couch gag, Rubber Hose couch gag, Circus Line.

Troy McClure presents a retrospective of the series, starting with the family's early shorts from The Tracey Ullman Show. He answers viewer questions, such as whether Homer keeps getting dumber, and screens scenes cut from earlier episodes, including Mr. Burns setting a Richard Simmons robot on Homer, plus the decoy culprits animated for the Mr. Burns shooting mystery and an alternate ending in which Smithers is the shooter.

Who's in it: Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Nelson Muntz, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Jasper Beardsley, Martin Prince, Patty Bouvier, Reverend Lovejoy, Selma Bouvier, Groundskeeper Willie, Santa's Little Helper, Lou, Jimbo Jones, Eddie, Miss Hoover, Maude Flanders, Sideshow Mel, Janey Powell, Becky Shorter, Snake, Itchy, Scratchy, Lionel Hutz, Herman Hermann, Troy McClure, Bleeding Gums Murphy, Princess Kashmir, Just Stamp the Ticket Man, Jack Marley, Jacqueline Bouvier, Dave Shutton, Marvin Monroe, The Rich Texan, Mona Simpson, Richard Nixon, Adolf Hitler, Binky, Grim Reaper, Snowball I, Tito Puente, John Wilkes Booth, Matt Groening, Benedict Arnold, Hyman Krustofsky, Lizzie Borden, Ashley Grant, Buzz Aldrin, Devil Flanders, James Bond, John Dillinger, Race Banyon, James L. Brooks, Robotic Richard Simmons, Sam Simon, Wade Boggs.

Every line said in the episode, and when. Its moments aren't described yet. The dialogue is from the episode's subtitles.

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## Every line

- 0:04 Live from the Springfield Civic Auditorium, it's the Simpsons 138th episode spectacular.
- 0:18 Hello, I'm Troy McClure.
- 0:20 You may remember me from such Fox Network specials as Alien Nose Job and Five
- 0:26 Fabulous Weeks of the Chevy Chase Show.
- 0:28 Tonight we're here to honor America's favorite non-prehistoric cartoon family.
- 0:34 You'll see long-lost footage,
- 0:36 never-before-seen material from your favorite episodes,
- 0:41 old favorites you can't see in syndication.
- 0:44 So join me, won't you, for The Simpsons 138th episode, Spectacular.
- 1:25 Thank you.
- 1:29 Oh,
- 1:35 my God.
- 2:06 The Simpsons The
- 2:07 Simpsons
- 2:22 began as the brainchild of cartoonist Matt Groening.
- 2:25 The already famous creator of such comics as Damnation, Johnny Reb,
- 2:31 and True Murder Stories.
- 2:33 In 1987, Groening teamed up with award-winning producers James L.
- 2:38 Brooks and Sam Simon.
- 2:41 And what better place to premiere their creation than on the Tracy Ullman Show,
- 2:45 the nation's showcase for psychiatrist jokes and musical comedy numbers.
- 2:51 On April 19, 1987, America first met The Simpsons.
- 2:57 Well, good night, son.
- 3:00 Um, Dad? Yeah?
- 3:01 What is the mind?
- 3:03 Is it just a system of impulses,
- 3:06 or is it something tangible? Relax.
- 3:10 What is mind?
- 3:12 No matter.
- 3:13 What is matter?
- 3:14 Never mind.
- 3:16 Thanks, Dad.
- 3:18 Good night, son.
- 3:21 Good night, Lisa.
- 3:24 Good night, Mom.
- 3:25 Sweet dreams. Thanks, Mom.
- 3:28 Sleep tight.
- 3:30 I will, Mom.
- 3:31 Don't let the bedbugs bite.
- 3:36 Bedbugs?
- 3:39 Rock-a-bye, baby, in the treetop.
- 3:45 When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.
- 3:50 When the bell breaks,
- 3:54 the cradle will fall,
- 3:57 and down will come baby cradle
- 4:02 and all.
- 4:06 Sweet dreams.
- 4:13 We may be the best parents in the world.
- 4:18 Good night, dear.
- 4:20 Good night.
- 4:29 All right, climb in.
- 4:33 There's nothing to worry about.
- 4:35 Now everyone go to sleep.
- 4:38 Good night.
- 4:47 They haven't changed a bit, have they?
- 4:50 As the weeks went on, so did the cartoons.
- 4:55 Fresh chocolate chip cookies.
- 4:58 Oh, don't touch those yet.
- 5:00 They're very, very hot.
- 5:03 Aha, no one's around. The perfect crime.
- 5:11 Do I smell cookies?
- 5:15 Where's the cookies?
- 5:16 They're all gone, the whole batch.
- 5:18 Somebody ate those cookies. Did you eat the cookies, Maggie?
- 5:24 I think she's trying to tell us something.
- 5:27 Go on, Maggie. Go on, Maggie. Go, go.
- 5:34 There's no perfect crime.
- 5:41 I've got a great idea.
- 5:43 Let's play Space Patrol.
- 5:45 I'll be Lee Suey, the Devil May Care rocket pilot.
- 5:48 Maggie can be Magina, your spunky sidekick.
- 5:52 And you'll be... Bartron, the evil robot from Mars gone berserk.
- 6:00 Do I understand you correctly, Bartron?
- 6:03 Do you wish me to release you from the helmet of evil thoughts with my enchanted space
- 6:08 wand?
- 6:10 I will do it, Bartron.
- 6:12 But who knows what mysterious forces will be unleashed.
- 6:16 Oh, no.
- 6:17 Inside the evil Bartron is a horrible mutant boy.
- 6:22 They'll be safe here till Mom and Dad, the evil overlords, get home.
- 6:28 As wacky as those kids were, they were no match for Captain Wacky, later renamed Homer.
- 6:35 Wake up, everybody!
- 6:36 It's World War III!
- 6:39 Quick, down to the fallout shelter. The bombs are dropping.
- 6:48 Eighteen seconds.
- 6:50 If this were really a nuclear war, we'd all be dead meat by now.
- 6:54 Say, we're all shivering.
- 6:57 Are you cold or what?
- 7:00 Bart!
- 7:02 Time for your Sunday night bath, boy!
- 7:06 Gotta hide.
- 7:08 Bart!
- 7:11 Where are you, boy?
- 7:12 Uh, oops.
- 7:14 Aha!
- 7:17 There you go!
- 7:19 Now, that's not so bad, is it?
- 7:22 Scrub good now.
- 7:25 Ah.
- 7:28 Welcome to the exotic world of undersea explorer Bart Simso.
- 7:34 Come with Bart as he dive into the briny deep,
- 7:37 searching for the wily and elusive washcloth.
- 7:41 Suddenly, without warning, the brave boy get more than he bargained for.
- 7:46 Help!
- 7:57 Clean as a whistle, Homer.
- 8:03 Maybe the drawings were a little crude, but all the characters were there.
- 8:08 Itchy and Scratchy, Grandpa Simpson, and Krusty the Clown.
- 8:14 When we return, more classic moments and, for the first time on TV,
- 8:19 our private reel of Simpsons outtakes, including the alternate endings to Who Shot Mr.
- 8:25 Burns?
- 8:32 In the opening credits, what does the cash register say when Maggie is scanned?
- 8:45 The cash register says NRA forever.
- 8:49 Just one of the hundreds of radical right-wing messages inserted into every show by
- 8:54 creator Matt Grading.
- 8:57 Over the six years, The Simpsons has been on the air.
- 9:00 We've received dozens of letters from fans wanting to know more about the show.
- 9:05 Tonight, we'll answer some of your questions.
- 9:07 Professor Lawrence Pierce of the University of Chicago writes,
- 9:11 I think Homer gets stupider every year.
- 9:14 That's not a question, Professor, but we'll let the viewers judge for themselves.
- 9:19 Hello, my name is Mr. Burns.
- 9:23 I believe you have a letter for me. Okay, Mr.
- 9:26 Burns.
- 9:27 What's your first name?
- 9:28 I don't know.
- 9:30 Well, Homer,
- 9:31 maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so
- 9:35 many people happy. Oh, look at me. I'm making people happy.
- 9:40 I'm the magical man from Happy Land in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane.
- 9:48 Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.
- 9:51 Well, duh.
- 9:58 Yabba-dabba-doo!
- 10:05 Simpson, Homer Simpson, he's the greatest guy in history.
- 10:12 From the out of Springfield,
- 10:15 he's about to hit a chestnut tree.
- 10:21 Hey, guys, look what I smuggled aboard. Homer, no!
- 10:26 They'll clog the instruments!
- 10:29 Careful, they're ruffled.
- 10:30 I'll take care of this.
- 11:14 No TV and no beer make Homer something something.
- 11:19 Go crazy?
- 11:21 Don't mind if I do.
- 11:31 Dr. Linus Ervin of the Sloan Kettering Memorial Institute writes,
- 11:34 How does Matt Groening find the time to write and draw an entire Simpsons episode every
- 11:39 week?
- 11:40 But the answer to this, we went straight to the source.
- 11:46 Get out of my office!
- 11:50 Of course, what Matt meant to say, according to his attorneys,
- 11:54 is that he couldn't possibly do it alone.
- 11:56 and he insisted that we make time to acknowledge the hard work of everyone who makes The
- 12:01 Simpsons possible.
- 12:06 Ambassador Henry M. Wawitumba of the Ivory Coast writes, What is the real deal with Mr.
- 12:12 Burns' assistant Smithers? You know what I'm talking about.
- 12:16 Of course we do.
- 12:19 The preparations for your birthday have begun.
- 12:21 I won't get what I really want. No one does.
- 12:26 Happy birthday, Mr.
- 12:29 Smithers
- 12:32 People like dogs, Mr. Burns Nonsense!
- 12:35 Dogs are idiots!
- 12:36 Think about it,
- 12:37 Smithers If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all
- 12:42 over your face, what would you say?
- 12:44 If you did it, sir, I'll print you out a copy Thanks!
- 12:49 Hello, Smithers You're quite good at turning me.
- 12:54 Anne.
- 12:54 Um, you probably should ignore that.
- 12:57 Hmm, I dreamed about her again last night, Smithers.
- 13:01 You know that dream where you're in bed and they fly in through the window?
- 13:12 As you can see, the real deal with Waylon Smithers is that he's Mr.
- 13:16 Burns' assistant.
- 13:17 He's in his early 40s, is unmarried, and currently resides in Springfield.
- 13:21 Thanks for writing.
- 13:23 We'll be right back.
- 13:24 Which popular Simpsons characters have died in the past year?
- 13:35 If you said Bleeding Gums Murphy and Dr.
- 13:38 Marvin Monroe, you are wrong. They were never popular.
- 13:41 Right about now, you're probably saying, Troy, I've seen every Simpsons episode.
- 13:46 You can't show me anything new.
- 13:48 You've got some attitude, mister.
- 13:51 Besides, you're wrong.
- 13:52 because sometimes episodes run long and certain scenes never get aired.
- 13:57 So fire up your VCR because here for the first time ever are the cutout classics.
- 14:07 When Krusty the Clown got cancer, he tried everything to stay on the air.
- 14:12 Here's what you didn't see.
- 14:14 If you watch my show,
- 14:16 I will send you this book featuring me in a variety of sexually explicit positions.
- 14:21 What? Oh, hey!
- 14:22 It's not really me. I used to stunt butt.
- 14:26 Krusty, we're from the network.
- 14:28 We have some bad news. I'm afraid your show's been canceled.
- 14:31 I thought this would happen.
- 14:33 I just hope you replace me with something as educational and uplifting as I tried to be.
- 14:38 Actually, it's a hemorrhoid infomercial starring Claude Aikens.
- 14:41 Can I play hemorrhoid sufferer number one?
- 14:43 Ooh!
- 14:44 Oh, that hurts!
- 14:45 Oh!
- 14:46 Oh, is there no relief?
- 14:48 I don't think so. Well, how about one of the afterguys?
- 14:51 Ah!
- 14:52 Oh, that's better. I can ride a bike again.
- 14:55 Sorry.
- 14:58 When Springfield legalized gambling, Homer became a blackjack dealer.
- 15:03 And comedy was in the cards.
- 15:06 20.
- 15:07 Your move, Mr. Bond.
- 15:09 I'll take a hit dealer.
- 15:11 Joker, you were supposed to take those out of the deck.
- 15:14 Oh, sorry.
- 15:15 Here's another one. What is this card? Rules for draw and stud poker.
- 15:20 What a pity, Mr. Bond.
- 15:22 But it was Homer's fault. I didn't lose.
- 15:24 I never lose. Well, at least tell me the details of your plot for world domination.
- 15:29 I'm not going to fall for that one again.
- 15:31 Earlier this year, Homer's long-lost mother returned,
- 15:34 and so did a long-lost care package.
- 15:42 Homer, please.
- 15:43 You don't have to wolf down that 25-year-old candy just to make me happy.
- 15:49 But it won't make you unhappy, right?
- 15:52 Hey, space food sticks!
- 15:55 Oh, I wish I had these on my space adventure.
- 15:58 Did you know I was blasted into space two years ago, Mom?
- 16:01 Oh, sure. I read all about it. I mean, it was national news.
- 16:05 Do you still work for NASA?
- 16:08 No, I work at the nuclear power plant. Oh, Homer.
- 16:11 Well, you'll be happy to know I don't work very hard
- 16:15 Actually, I'm bringing the plant down from the inside
- 16:19 When Homer sold his soul for a donut He found out that hell isn't all it's cracked up to
- 16:25 be In these never-before-broadcast scenes
- 16:41 Layers, layers, layers. Ooh, Lionel Hutz.
- 16:45 Cases one in 30 minutes or your pizza's free.
- 16:49 I'd sell my soul for a Formula One racing car.
- 16:54 That can be arranged.
- 16:56 Changed my mind. Sorry.
- 16:58 Cool.
- 16:59 Bart, stop pestering Satan.
- 17:01 Your Honor,
- 17:02 we find that homeless Simpson's soul is legally the property of Marge Simpson and not of
- 17:07 the devil. Oh.
- 17:09 Yay!
- 17:13 Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza.
- 17:16 But we did win.
- 17:17 That's okay. The box is empty.
- 17:21 If that's what they cut out, what they leave in must be pure gold.
- 17:25 Let's watch some more of those fabulous Simpsons outtakes.
- 17:30 Tapu living with the Simpsons? It happened.
- 17:33 And here's a scene you didn't see.
- 17:36 I'm hoping you enjoy this movie. It made every Indian critic's top 400 list.
- 17:41 Laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh.
- 17:43 I'm in love with lovely Johnny.
- 17:48 Good day. Come in.
- 17:50 Soon, carry Bajay.
- 17:56 This movie you read sucks. No, it doesn't.
- 17:59 It's funny.
- 18:00 Their clothes are different from my clothes.
- 18:03 Look at what they're wearing.
- 18:07 A few years back, Bart was adopted by Mr.
- 18:10 Burns.
- 18:11 In this very special outtake,
- 18:14 Homer attempts a reconciliation with his estranged son.
- 18:18 Watch.
- 18:19 Bart, you're coming home. I want to stay here with Mr.
- 18:22 Burns. I suggest you leave immediately.
- 18:25 Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees?
- 18:28 Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
- 18:32 Well, go ahead.
- 18:34 Do your worst. My worst, eh?
- 18:36 Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons.
- 18:42 Come on, big boy. Shit, the butter up those buns.
- 18:54 Come on, come on, girl. Shit, shit, shit.
- 18:57 Smithers, it's out of control.
- 18:59 Now take him out, sir.
- 19:18 This past summer, all of America was trying to solve the mystery of who shot Mr.
- 19:23 Burns.
- 19:24 Then they found out it was the baby.
- 19:28 To keep this bombshell secret,
- 19:30 the producers animated several solutions that were never intended to air
- 19:45 And to keep the show's animators, editors, staff,
- 19:48 and hangers-on from leaking the solution Two completely different endings were produced
- 19:53 One real,
- 19:54 one phony Here's the ending you were never meant to see The one who shot me
- 20:00 was
- 20:05 Whelan Smithers No
- 20:09 Wait a minute Yes With the sunblocker in place and the town aghast I
- 20:15 was on top of the world So I wanted to kick up my heels And indulge my sweet tooth
- 20:20 I feel like celebrating
- 20:25 Oh, it's you. What are you so happy about?
- 20:28 I see.
- 20:30 Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby.
- 20:33 But with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence.
- 20:38 Or so I thought.
- 20:40 At the last moment, Smithers, drunk as a lemur, lurched out of the darkness and fired.
- 20:47 That's right.
- 20:48 Right before I shot Jasper.
- 20:52 Hmm.
- 20:53 I was busy that night. Stricken, I lurched forth in search of aid.
- 20:57 But finding all these slack-jawed gawkers, they gave up and collapsed on the sundial.
- 21:02 Then with your last ounce of strength, you pointed to W and S.
- 21:07 Waylon Smithers!
- 21:09 Well,
- 21:10 I'm just relieved that Homer's safe and that you've recovered and we can all get back to
- 21:13 normal.
- 21:14 Not exactly.
- 21:16 Smithers, for attempting to kill me,
- 21:19 I'm giving you a 5% pay cut
- 21:25 But of course for that ending to work You would have to ignore all the Simpson DNA
- 21:30 evidence
- 21:32 And that would be downright nutty
- 21:35 Yes,
- 21:36 the Simpsons have come a long way Since an old drunk made humans out of his rabid characters
- 21:40 To pay off his gambling debts Who knows what adventures they'll have Between now and the
- 21:44 time the show becomes unprofitable
- 21:48 I'm Troy McClure and I'll leave you with what we all came here to see Hardcore Nudity
- 21:58 Shake, shake, shake
- 22:01 shake Shake your booty Shake your booty Shake,
- 22:07 shake, shake
- 22:10 shake Shake your booty Shake your booty Shake
- 22:15 your booty You can do it very well.
- 22:24 You're the best in the world, I can tell.
- 22:31 Oh, shake, shake, shake.
- 22:34 Shake, shake, shake.
- 22:36 Shake your booty.
- 22:41 Oh, shh.
- 22:47 We'll be right back.