# Much Apu About Nothing

The Simpsons, season 7, episode 23 (S07E23), first aired May 5, 1996.
Written by David X. Cohen. Directed by Susie Dietter. Production code 3F20.
Guest stars: Joe Mantegna as Fat Tony.
Couch gag: Hunted Family.

After a bear wanders onto Evergreen Terrace, Homer demands a Bear Patrol, and Mayor Quimby deflects anger over the new tax by blaming undocumented immigrants and calling a vote on Proposition 24 to deport them. Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, whose student visa lapsed years ago, buys forged papers from Fat Tony but cannot bring himself to deny his roots. He studies for the citizenship exam instead, and Lisa helps him pass.

Who's in it: Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Nelson Muntz, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Jasper Beardsley, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Patty Bouvier, Reverend Lovejoy, Selma Bouvier, Groundskeeper Willie, Lou, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Richard, Jimbo Jones, Eddie, Miss Hoover, Todd Flanders, Maude Flanders, Rod Flanders, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Mayor Quimby, Kirk Van Houten, Nina Skalka, Janey Powell, Larry Dalrymple, Hans Moleman, Luann Van Houten, Helen Lovejoy, Sam, Professor Frink, Bernice Hibbert, Horatio McCallister, Sophie Jensen, Comic Book Guy, Snake, Girl with glasses, Long-haired girl, Ruth Powers, Jaffee Ziswhisky, Buck-toothed boy, Dr. Nick, Gareth Prince, Dewey Largo, Lionel Hutz, Herman Hermann, Alice Glick, Lunchlady Dora, Bumblebee Man, Charlie, Rainier Wolfcastle, Fat Tony, Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon, Springfield bears, Dave Shutton, Mayor Quimby's Bodyguards, Louie, Üter Zörker, J. Loren Pryor, Luigi Risotto, Kako, Leon Kompowsky, Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilon, Zutroy, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon Sr., Orville Simpson, Brown-Haired Man, Citizenship Test Agent, Ginger-Haired Man, Yuma Simpson.

Every line said in the episode, and when. Its moments aren't described yet. The dialogue is from the episode's subtitles.

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## Every line

- 0:04 The Simpsons
- 0:46 Run, Daddy, run!
- 0:49 Open the door, Mod. I don't have time for the secret knock.
- 0:53 I'm panicking, Nettie. I can't work the knob.
- 1:08 This is Kent Brockman with a special report from the Channel 6 News Copter.
- 1:12 A large bear-like animal, most likely a bear,
- 1:16 has wandered down from the hills in search of food or perhaps employment.
- 1:20 Please remain calm.
- 1:22 Stay in your homes.
- 1:28 Looks like bad news for the...
- 1:32 Impson family.
- 1:35 Let's all calm down.
- 1:37 Everyone's going to be just fine. As long as I've got enough beer.
- 1:45 Alright, that does it. If I'm going to be trapped inside the house,
- 1:49 I gotta go out and buy some beer.
- 1:56 Now to trap gracefully through the windshield.
- 2:03 I got you, Dad!
- 2:16 Sweet dreams, Smokey.
- 2:19 Ow!
- 2:21 Animal tranquilizer!
- 2:29 Smooth!
- 2:37 Fuck him, Lou.
- 2:38 One count of being a bear.
- 2:41 And one count of being an accessory to being a bear.
- 2:53 Oh, Marge, it was horrible.
- 2:55 We were trapped in the house all afternoon.
- 2:57 And, well, we had to drink toilet water.
- 3:02 Well, things were bad everywhere.
- 3:04 I'm sick of these constant bear attacks.
- 3:07 It's like a freaking country bear jamberoo around here.
- 3:10 Well, now, realistically, Homer, I've lived here some 30-odd years.
- 3:14 This is the first and only bear I've ever seen.
- 3:16 Hey, if you want wild bears eating your children and scaring away your salmon,
- 3:21 that's your business. But I'm not gonna take it.
- 3:24 Who's with me?
- 3:28 We're here.
- 3:29 We're queer. We don't want any more bears.
- 3:33 We're here. We're queer. We don't want any more bears.
- 3:37 Hey, Homer, that's a pretty catchy chant.
- 3:39 Where'd you learn it?
- 3:40 Oh, I heard it at the mustache parade they have every year.
- 3:43 We don't want any more bears. Sir, there's an unruly mob to see it.
- 3:46 Does it have an appointment?
- 3:48 Uh, yes, it does.
- 3:50 I phoned ahead. Mr. Mayor, I hate to break it to you,
- 3:54 but your city is infested with bears.
- 3:56 And these ones are smarter than the average bear.
- 3:59 They swipe my picnic basket. Think of the children.
- 4:03 Very well.
- 4:04 I promise swift and decisive action against these hibernating hucksters.
- 4:21 Ah, not a bear in sight.
- 4:24 The bear patrol must be working like a charm.
- 4:27 That's specious reasoning, Dad.
- 4:29 Thank you, honey.
- 4:30 By your logic, I can claim that this rock keeps tigers away.
- 4:34 Oh?
- 4:34 How does it work?
- 4:35 It doesn't work. It's just a stupid rock.
- 4:38 But I don't see any tigers around here, do you?
- 4:42 Lisa, I want to buy your rock.
- 4:52 Woo-hoo!
- 4:53 A perfect day.
- 4:55 Zero bears and one big fat hairy paycheck.
- 4:58 Hey, how come my pay is so low?
- 5:01 Bear patrol tax, five dollars.
- 5:04 What?
- 5:05 This is an outrage.
- 5:06 It's the biggest tax increase in history.
- 5:09 Actually, Dad, it's the smallest tax increase in history.
- 5:12 That's the bears pay the bear tax. I pay the homer tax.
- 5:15 That's the homeowner tax.
- 5:16 Well, anyway, I'm still outraged.
- 5:22 Down with taxes!
- 5:28 Why don't you think of the children?
- 5:31 Are these morons getting dumber or just louder?
- 5:34 Dumber, sir. They won't give up the bear patrol, but they won't pay taxes for it either.
- 5:39 Ducking this issue calls for real leadership.
- 5:44 People, your taxes are high because of illegal immigrants.
- 5:48 That's right, illegal immigrants.
- 5:51 We need to get rid of them.
- 5:55 Immigrants. I knew it was them. Even when it was the bears, I knew it was them.
- 5:59 Oh, won't somebody please think of the children?
- 6:03 In one week, the town will vote on a special referendum,
- 6:06 whether or not to deport all illegal immigrants from Springfield.
- 6:10 It shall be known as Proposition 24.
- 6:13 Yay!
- 6:21 Hey, German boy, go back to Germania.
- 6:25 I do not deserve this. I've come here legally as an exchange student.
- 6:31 Young man, the only thing we exchange for you is our national dignity.
- 6:37 You want to pick on immigrants?
- 6:39 Then pick on Willie!
- 6:40 Willie, please.
- 6:42 The children want to pick on someone their own size.
- 6:45 Ugh.
- 6:51 I don't see how you can support Proposition 24, Dad.
- 6:55 Open your eyes, Lisa.
- 6:57 Our schools are so jam-packed with immigrants, kids like Bart have lost the will to learn.
- 7:02 There's no denying it, sis. But immigration is what America's all about.
- 7:06 Even the Simpson family immigrated to America.
- 7:09 Right, Grandpa?
- 7:10 Okay, you twisted my arm.
- 7:12 The Simpson story begins back in the old country.
- 7:16 I forget which one exactly. my father would drone on and on about America.
- 7:22 He thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread.
- 7:25 Sliced bread having been invented the previous winter.
- 7:28 See this, son?
- 7:30 That's where we're going to live.
- 7:32 Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow.
- 7:35 But someday.
- 7:36 Later that day, we set sail for America.
- 7:40 There it is. Our new home.
- 7:45 We all love America.
- 7:47 Abe, supper's on.
- 7:49 We had to move out once we'd filled the head with garbage.
- 7:53 The end.
- 7:55 Yeah, when those immigrants get deported,
- 7:58 there'll be a lot more elbow room for regular Joes like you and me, Appu.
- 8:02 Mr. Simpson, it may astonish you to learn that I am an immigrant.
- 8:07 You, I don't believe it.
- 8:10 No, in truth, an illegal immigrant, sir.
- 8:12 If Proposition 24 passes, I shall be forced to leave this country.
- 8:17 Oh, I wish...
- 8:19 Oh, I wish I could have stayed just one more year or two.
- 8:22 There was so much I wanted to see and to do and to have done to me.
- 8:27 Oh, my God.
- 8:28 I got so swept up in the scapegoating in front of Proposition 24,
- 8:32 I never stopped to think it might affect someone I cared about.
- 8:39 You know what, Appu?
- 8:41 I am really, really going to miss you.
- 8:59 You know what really aggravates me?
- 9:01 It's them immigrants.
- 9:03 They want all the benefits of living in Springfield,
- 9:06 but they ain't even bothered to learn themselves the language.
- 9:09 Yeah, those are exactly my sentiments.
- 9:13 Shut up!
- 9:15 Ah, you set up, Bond.
- 9:24 Make the protesters go away, and I'll give you the entire bottle.
- 9:29 Oh, thank you, goodness. My first customers in a week.
- 9:32 It's hard to believe someone so close to our family could be an illegal alien.
- 9:36 Alas, it is true.
- 9:37 I came here shortly after my graduation from Caltech,
- 9:42 Calcutta Technical Institute.
- 9:44 As the top student in my graduating class of 7 million,
- 9:47 I was accepted for graduate study in the United States.
- 9:57 Wherever you go and whatever you do, we will always love you.
- 10:03 Make us proud, son.
- 10:05 Never forget who you are. I won't, Mother.
- 10:08 And I won't forget you, Mandula. I'm so sorry our arranged marriage will not come to pass.
- 10:14 Farewell, my beloved.
- 10:16 I enrolled at Springfield Heights Institute of Technology under the tutelage of the
- 10:21 brilliant Professor John Frink.
- 10:23 Well, sure, the Frinky X7 looks impressive.
- 10:26 Don't touch it. But I predict that within 100 years,
- 10:29 computers will be twice as powerful, 10,000 times larger,
- 10:33 and so expensive that only the five richest kings of Europe will own them.
- 10:38 Could it be used for dating?
- 10:41 Well, theoretically, yes.
- 10:42 But the computer matches would be so perfect as to eliminate the thrill of romantic
- 10:48 conquest, Marvin Way.
- 10:50 Nine glorious years later, I completed my PhD thesis.
- 10:54 200,000 precisely ordered punch cards comprising the world's very first tic-tac-toe
- 11:00 program.
- 11:00 Only the top human players could beat it.
- 11:03 Hey, what's this one for?
- 11:05 Oh!
- 11:07 So, Pooh, why didn't you go back to India when your student visa expired?
- 11:11 I did not feel right leaving without paying off my student loans.
- 11:16 So I took a job at the cookie mart.
- 11:18 When my debts were wiped clean, I was all set to go.
- 11:22 But by then I had made so many friends here.
- 11:25 What you're saying is so understandable.
- 11:28 And really, your only crime was violating U.S.
- 11:30 law. Oh, you are one of the good ones. You know what?
- 11:35 I'm going to vote no on 24.
- 11:38 Mom, you're the greatest.
- 11:40 Can I have this licorice?
- 11:46 Ah, good evening, young man. My name is Charles Norwood.
- 11:51 Furthermore, to this beer, I would also like three of your finest, cheapest cigars.
- 11:56 Here's my ID, which confirms my adultivity.
- 12:02 Hmm.
- 12:04 Hey, Kearney, this fake ID, it is truly excellent.
- 12:09 Say, if you tell me where you obtained it,
- 12:12 I will overlook the ice cream sandwiches concealed in your armpits, eh?
- 12:18 Deal.
- 12:23 Okay, here are your fraudulent documents, Mr.
- 12:27 Nahasa Pima Petalan, your U.S. passport, social security card, birth certificate,
- 12:32 and your death certificate.
- 12:34 Just hold on to that one in your safe deposit box.
- 12:37 Most humble and grateful thanks to you.
- 12:40 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- 12:42 Cam the courtesy.
- 12:43 You're an American now.
- 12:44 Remember, you were born in Green Bay, Wisconsin.
- 12:47 Your parents were Herb and Judy Nahasapimapetalan.
- 12:51 And if you do not wish to arouse suspicion, I strongly urge you to act American.
- 12:59 Hey there, Homer.
- 13:00 How's it hanging? Low and lazy.
- 13:03 So...
- 13:05 Hey, say something again. Oh,
- 13:08 you're just noticing the way I'm talking to you now.
- 13:12 You see, it turns out I am an American citizen after all.
- 13:16 Apparently, I just plum forgot about it.
- 13:20 Ha, ha, ha.
- 13:21 Say, let's take a relaxed attitude toward work and watch the baseball match.
- 13:26 The Nymets are my favorite squadron. Hey,
- 13:30 you got rid of that goofy sacred elephant statue.
- 13:33 Oh, yeah. What was I thinking with that?
- 13:37 Who needs the infinite compassion of Ganesha when I've got Tom
- 13:43 Cruise and Nicole Kidman staring at me from Entertainment Weekly with their dead eyes?
- 13:48 Look at me!
- 13:50 I betrayed my Indian heritage, sir!
- 13:52 What would my parents think of me now?
- 13:57 Make us proud, son.
- 13:59 Never forget who you are.
- 14:02 Don't make the same mistake I did.
- 14:05 Oh, forgive me, mother.
- 14:09 Father, I failed you.
- 14:17 Who am I kidding?
- 14:19 I am no citizen.
- 14:20 This passport is a cheap forgery.
- 14:23 A cheap $2,000 forgery.
- 14:27 I have brought shame to my parents, to my homeland and to myself.
- 14:31 Don't forget Kenesha.
- 14:34 I cannot deny my roots and I cannot keep up the charade.
- 14:38 I only did it because I love this land where I have the freedom to say and to think and to
- 14:44 charge whatever I want.
- 14:45 I want to stay but as the real me, not as some Yahoo from Green Bay.
- 14:57 Wow.
- 14:58 You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning.
- 15:03 Darn it, Appu.
- 15:04 I'm not gonna let them kick you out.
- 15:07 I never should have bought this button.
- 15:10 Can I have my three dollars back? Store credit only.
- 15:15 Hey, Marge, look who I brought home.
- 15:18 Oh, Homer.
- 15:20 Are you rounding up immigrants?
- 15:22 No, Marge. Appu convinced me that Proposition 24 is a big mistake.
- 15:27 All right.
- 15:28 Now you've got all the Simpsons behind you, Appu.
- 15:31 That's nice, although three of you are below voting age.
- 15:34 And I'm not registered.
- 15:36 I do appreciate your concern, really, but it is hopeless.
- 15:39 The latest poll shows a whooping 85% support for Proposition 24.
- 15:45 Hey, Appu, why don't you just marry some American broad,
- 15:47 then dump her after you get your citizenship?
- 15:52 Hello, Selma.
- 15:53 Selma, my dear, how are you?
- 15:56 Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a second.
- 16:00 How would you like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported?
- 16:03 I'd rather eat poison. My name's already Selma Bouvier Twillager Hutz McClure.
- 16:08 God knows it's long enough without Nahasa Petta Pita, whatever.
- 16:11 From now on, I'm only marrying for love.
- 16:14 And possibly once more for money.
- 16:20 Oh, it's hopeless Oh, poor Appu Hey,
- 16:24 the government don't control the sky What if you lived in a balloon?
- 16:28 That's it Did you hear that, Mom? She's as dumb as me No, not what he said, what he is
- 16:35 Grandfather As in Grandfather Claus Appu, how long ago did your visa expire?
- 16:40 Seven years,
- 16:41 but I don't There was an amnesty declared For people who've been here as long as you That
- 16:46 means you can take the citizenship test.
- 16:48 But Appu, the vote on Proposition 24 is on Tuesday.
- 16:53 You'll have to pass the test before then.
- 16:55 No, that is not nearly enough time to learn over 200 years of American history.
- 16:59 Oh, it can't be that many.
- 17:01 Come on, Appu.
- 17:03 I'll be your tutor.
- 17:09 Please identify this object.
- 17:11 It appears to be the flag which disappeared from the public library last year.
- 17:15 Correct.
- 17:16 Now we all know the 13 stripes are for good luck.
- 17:19 But why does the American flag have precisely 47 stars?
- 17:23 Because this particular flag is ridiculously out of date.
- 17:27 The library must have purchased it during the brief period in 1912 after New Mexico became
- 17:32 a state, but before Arizona did.
- 17:34 Uh, partial credit.
- 17:37 Now, they may ask you to locate your town on a map of the U.S., so let's do that.
- 17:41 Uh, Springfield, Springfield, right here.
- 17:46 Dad, you're not pointing anywhere near Springfield.
- 17:49 It's over here, Appu. Hey, what you doing?
- 17:51 Studying? Oh, I'm so confused. I don't even know where I'm getting kicked out of anymore.
- 18:02 Wow!
- 18:06 Signs floating away, Chief.
- 18:08 Executive, legislative, and judicial.
- 18:11 No, no, and no.
- 18:14 Maybe we should start all over with the electrical college.
- 18:17 Please, Mr. Simpson, my brain needs sleep.
- 18:20 The test is in six hours, and many of these facts you speak of are completely new to me.
- 18:24 Sleep is for the week, Appu.
- 18:26 Now I'm going to go to bed while you look over my notes from ninth grade history.
- 18:30 Okay, Appu, stay awake and stay focused.
- 18:34 Cotton Mather.
- 18:42 Oh no, I fell asleep.
- 18:44 I have forgotten everything that Mr. Homer taught me.
- 18:47 Perfect.
- 18:48 Let's roll.
- 18:50 Go!
- 19:10 All right, men, here's the order of deportations.
- 19:13 First, you'll be rounding up your tired, then your poor,
- 19:17 than your huddled mass's yearning to breathe free.
- 19:20 Breathers, got it.
- 19:22 All right, here's your last question.
- 19:24 What was the cause of the Civil War?
- 19:26 Actually, there were numerous causes.
- 19:28 Aside from the obvious schism between abolitionists and anti-abolitionists,
- 19:32 economic factors, both domestic and international, played a significant...
- 19:36 Just say slavery. Slavery it is, sir.
- 19:40 Yes, I am a citizen.
- 19:42 Now, which way to the welfare office? What?
- 19:46 I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I work. I work.
- 19:49 Thank you. I want to say thank you to everyone.
- 19:52 From this day forth, I am no longer an Indian living in America.
- 19:57 I am an Indian American.
- 20:02 You know, Appu, in a way, all Americans are immigrants, except Native Americans.
- 20:07 Yeah, Native Americans like us. No, I mean American Indians.
- 20:11 Like me. No, I mean... Hi, everyone.
- 20:14 If I could just say a few words, I'd be a better public speaker.
- 20:20 Now that you're all relaxed, most of us here were born in America.
- 20:25 We take this country for granted, but not immigrants like Apu.
- 20:29 While the rest of us are drinking ourselves stupid,
- 20:32 they're driving the cabs that get us home safely.
- 20:35 They're riding the operas that entertain us every day.
- 20:38 They're training our tigers and kicking our extra points.
- 20:41 These people are the glue that holds together the gears of our society.
- 20:47 If we pass Proposition 24, we'll be losing some of the truest Americans of all.
- 20:53 When you go to the polls tomorrow,
- 20:56 please vote no on Proposition 24.
- 21:00 No on 24.
- 21:11 No, I'm 24!
- 21:19 It's a landslide! Yes, on 24!
- 21:23 The proposition passed with a record 95%.
- 21:26 When are people going to learn?
- 21:30 Democracy doesn't work!
- 21:32 Please don't knock the land that I love.
- 21:37 Jury duty!
- 21:39 Today I am truly an American citizen.
- 21:46 Just thank heaven everything worked out for the people we care about.
- 21:54 Ingrates.
- 22:09 Thank you.
- 22:42 Shh.