Take My Wife, Sleaze

The Simpsons, season 11, episode 8. First aired November 28, 1999. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

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From “Take My Wife, Sleaze”: “Get away from it!” — Get away from it!

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About the episode

A dance-contest victory at Greaser's Café earns Homer and Marge a 1955 Harley-Davidson, and Homer forms a biker gang with Ned, Moe, Lenny and Carl that they name the Hell's Satans. The real Hell's Satans, led by Meathook, move into the Simpsons' home and later leave with Marge, so Homer tracks them down and duels Meathook to get her back.

Written by: John Swartzwelder
Directed by: Neil Affleck
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel; Jan Hooks as Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon; Jay North; John Goodman as Meathook; Henry Winkler as Ramrod
Chalkboard gag: I can't see dead people
Couch gag: Shredder
Production code: BABF05

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

319 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:02 The Simpsons
1:20 Tonight on Guinness Book of World Records,
1:23 a man who holds the current record for least amount of faces, with none.
1:28 Help me!
1:30 You'll also see the world's smelliest tumor.
1:33 Ew, these records used to be real accomplishments.
1:36 Now they're just gross.
1:38 Plus, you'll meet a dog who can't predict anything.
1:42 And three other things.
1:46 When we come back, we'll show you the contents of a supermodel's stomach.
1:51 What an age we live in.
1:53 Oh, look at all that sweet and low.
1:56 Hey, remember the 50s? Remember television, Coca-Cola and Dick Clark?
2:01 I remember television.
2:02 Come join me, Wolf Guy Jack, at Grease's Cafe,
2:06 where it's 1955 every day of the year, baby.
2:10 Actual year may vary.
2:11 Consult calendar for current year. A 50s-style restaurant.
2:15 What a neat idea.
2:17 Why don't we eat there tonight?
2:18 Nah, we'll go next month.
2:41 Dennis the Manus. Yes, I was America's bad boy.
2:45 I once hid my dad's hat.
2:48 And another time, I accidentally stepped in Mr.
2:51 Wilson's flower bed.
2:53 That was a two-part episode.
2:57 I have to go.
2:59 California, here we come!
3:01 It's not a real car, Grandpa.
3:04 Allen Ginsbergers?
3:06 An American cheese sandwich?
3:08 Holy of dogs.
3:10 It's clever how the names remind you of the 50s and at the same time tell you what there
3:15 is to eat.
3:17 Wow, look at this old-timey gizmo.
3:21 I feel like I've gone back in a time machine.
3:25 Dad, they have those everywhere.
3:27 What an age we live in.
3:29 He he he.
3:31 Oww!
3:35 Oh, man.
3:37 Oh, my throat doctor says I'm not supposed to do that anymore.
3:40 Okay, is everybody ready for our nightly dance contest?
3:44 Dancing?
3:45 Oh, no, you're not getting me on that dance floor.
3:48 Don't try and make me. If I have to get a divorce, I will.
3:52 Our grand prize tonight is a vintage 1955 Harley Davidson motorcycle.
3:59 I need a dance partner.
4:01 What about you? Okay, daddy-o.
4:04 Hey, hey, set your socks on hop and your tootie to fruity.
4:07 Here we go with Mental House Rock by Johnny Bobby.
4:12 Doc is through a party at the Luna Bin. You gotta be crazy if you wanna get in.
4:17 The boobian is laying his imaginary sax.
4:19 The dance floor is filling up with maniacs.
4:22 Let's rock, do the mental house rock.
4:35 Whoa!
4:37 If you'll dance with the dark. A 50s nostalgia cafe.
4:42 If you'll dance with the dark.
4:44 He'll give you evil and little shock. Sam, Sam, Sam!
4:47 Well, well, well.
4:48 I have never seen such reckless disregard for a wife's well-being in my life.
4:53 You just won yourselves a motorcycle.
4:57 It's mine.
4:59 Finally, I've won the respect of my fellow ma...
5:02 Get away from it!
5:05 Okay, hepcats, let's twirl some more platters at Grease's Cafe,
5:09 where the 50s are never going away.
5:13 Well, that dream is over.
5:15 At least we still have each other, right, honey?
5:17 Honey?
5:27 Oh, God.
5:35 Man, you're bending the hell out of that kickstand, Dad.
5:39 Why don't you just take it for a ride?
5:40 Promise you won't laugh?
5:42 Yeah, I promise.
5:43 I don't know how.
5:45 You're kidding.
5:50 You don't know how...
5:58 Will you teach me?
6:01 Of course.
6:03 You showed me everything I just took me by the hand Puppy
6:09 dogs and Lincoln logs And castles made of sand You gave me the
6:15 courage Spread my newborn wings Spread mayonnaise and marmalade
6:21 And other spreadable things So I guess you are my hero And there's something
6:26 you should know I wanna make it clear So I'm gonna sing it slow
6:32 If you weren't a man And my father
6:38 too I'd buy a diamond ring And then I'd
6:43 marry you
6:50 All right, class.
6:52 Today we'll be sitting quietly in the dark because teacher has a hangover.
6:56 It's like a chainsaw in my head.
7:02 Later, Homer.
7:03 Sweet hog, Mr. Simpson.
7:05 Remember to rebel against authority, kid.
7:09 Don't listen to him, children.
7:11 We already did. Now I can't get it out of my head!
7:16 Thank you, Nelson.
7:20 The sermon today is on John 4.13.
7:24 I think it was Jesus who said, Blessed are those.
7:29 Hell the heck with it.
7:31 Church dismissed.
7:39 Will you turn that engine off? Quiet, Marge.
7:42 The motorcycle and I are trying to sleep.
7:46 I know, I know. Just tune her out.
7:50 And now, back to your Tuesday morning movie.
7:56 Oh, I don't know what's come over Jimmy.
7:58 He won't do his homework, he only salutes the flag with one finger,
8:02 and he comes home every night with other people's blood on his shirt.
8:05 He's a rebel, I tell you. A rebel without a cause.
8:08 Just like that boy in that popular movie we saw.
8:16 Yeah, that's the life for me, Marge.
8:18 Cruisin' and hasslin' shopkeepers.
8:21 When will you teens learn to be uncool like everyone else?
8:25 Never, Pops. That's right, never.
8:28 Yeah, you can arrest me, but you'll never defeat the Cobras.
8:31 Nothing can defeat a motorcycle gang.
8:37 A gang?
8:39 That's the answer. Answer to what? Hey, don't make me hassle you, Lisa.
8:49 You know, if you want to be in the gang,
8:51 eventually you're going to have to get motorcycled.
8:53 Yeah, we know. Hey, Homer, can I join? This gang's for rebels, Flanders, not conformos.
8:59 Yeah, buzz off.
9:01 Well, if I were a member, we could use my rumpus room as our lair.
9:05 That guy just don't get it, do we? My rumpus room with the new bumper pool table?
9:10 Bumper pool?
9:15 The first meeting of Hell Satan's is called to order.
9:19 I move we reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous.
9:23 After all, we don't want to go to Hell. How about the Devil's Pals?
9:27 No.
9:28 Or the Christ Punches.
9:30 The Christ?
9:31 I don't think you understand my objection.
9:33 I'm the president and the decision is mine.
9:36 We're Hell Satan's. Besides, I already made our club jacket.
9:41 Ooh, machine wash warm. Tumble dry.
9:45 Ooh la la.
9:52 Wait up, guys. I gotta empty my grass bag.
9:58 Hell's Satan's, huh?
10:00 I'm watching you, punks.
10:02 Can't hassle us, pig.
10:04 We're going the speed limit.
10:06 Oink, oink, oink.
10:07 Yeah, pig.
10:08 Yeah, oink, oink, oink.
10:10 You're making mistakes someday, and then you're going straight to juvie.
10:15 You can lock us away, but you'll never defeat the Cobras.
10:19 Cobras?
10:19 I thought you were the Hell Satans.
10:22 Well, uh... I-I-I-I-
10:28 Oh,
10:33 how can I be down a thousand bucks?
10:37 Get away from my store, you young hoodlums.
10:39 And what if we don't, paps?
10:43 He's got a broom! Let's get out of here!
10:45 Forget the pennies! Go! Go!
10:51 You promised me no more brooms.
10:53 I know this is not your way, but we're in America now.
11:00 They printed my photo of our gang!
11:04 Carl looks great.
11:06 Can't take a bad picture of that guy.
11:09 You took a picture of me when I was asleep?
11:12 If you'd been awake, you would have said no.
11:14 You can see the bind I was in. Her turn-ons include thievery and liquor.
11:19 Her turn-offs include underpants, pedestrians, and justice.
11:24 No!
11:26 What in the world?
11:40 Stop!
11:42 We're the Hell Satans out of Bakersfield.
11:45 You're the Hell Satans? What a fun coincidence!
11:48 My gang's name is also the... Shut up!
11:51 You stole our club name.
11:54 According to our bylaws, we gotta stomp you.
11:57 Take off that jacket, man. Okay.
12:02 Now, eat it.
12:04 Alright.
12:12 Hey, hey!
12:13 Chew with your mouth closed, please.
12:18 Done.
12:19 Okay, Meat Hook. I think you learned his lesson.
12:22 Oh, man.
12:23 Now you gotta eat that, too.
12:26 Oh.
12:27 You got anything else with our logo on it?
12:29 Captain Frisbee, sir.
12:31 You gotta eat them, too.
12:33 And some pods.
12:52 You keep it.
13:03 I think it's great you've chosen to crash here,
13:07 But do you have to be so messy?
13:10 Yeah, it's part of being a low life
13:18 Can you send a SWAT team to 742?
13:24 Evergreen forget it Simpson those pig noises you made really hurt my feelings Looking like
13:30 a pig as I do,
13:31 but you have so much inner beauty well Be that as it may,
13:36 the gang has wanted in eight other states, and we have a little saying around here.
13:40 Let Michigan handle it.
13:53 Stop that!
13:54 If you want some food, I'll be happy to make you some breakfast.
13:57 I'd kill for some waffles. He has.
14:00 Remember the IHOP in Oakland?
14:12 Hey, this is a lot better than that rancid filth we find in the dumpstice.
14:15 Thank you, Ramrod.
14:17 Marge, how did you get my jacket so clean?
14:20 I've tried everything to get those blood and puke stains out.
14:23 I've tried hitting them. I've tried yelling at them.
14:26 All it takes is the right cleanser and a little elbow grease.
14:29 Do you have anything that will get this emblem back on my jacket?
14:32 I tried spitting at it, you know, but...
14:33 Just put it on my sewing pile.
14:36 Okay, I'm doing another load of bandanas.
14:43 Hey, hey, that's a leave-in conditioner.
14:46 You're done, next.
14:48 Dad, I'm tired of bathing in the yard.
14:50 Plus, I think Rod and Todd are watching.
14:53 No, we're not.
14:59 Okay, bikers, that's it.
15:00 Benjamin Franklin once said that house guests are like fish that...
15:05 They're gone!
15:07 Woo-hoo!
15:07 And those bikers saw that hard look in my eye.
15:11 You know that hard look I get sometimes?
15:13 And they ran away like schoolgirls with their tails between their legs.
15:18 Eww-hoo-hoo!
15:19 Way to go, Dad.
15:21 Hey, where's the food? And why aren't I at school?
15:24 Yeah, someone really dropped the ball here.
15:27 Marge?
15:29 Marge? Dad, there's a note on the back of your head Really?
15:33 Read it Thanks for letting us crash in your pad We had a very nice time
15:38 Oh, that's sweet P.S. We've taken your old lady Don't
15:49 Could you at least tell me what you're planning to do with me?
15:53 Oh,
15:53 don't worry You're completely safe None of us find you sexually attractive None of you?
15:59 Really?
16:00 I could have sworn that Ramrod...
16:04 Did you see that picture of me and...
16:07 and you still don't?
16:09 Sorry.
16:11 Well, good, I guess.
16:15 Don't worry.
16:16 I'm gonna search high and low for your mother.
16:18 But just in case I don't find her, I want you to contact this agency.
16:22 Korean love brides.
16:24 I just don't want to be alone.
16:41 Excuse me, has anyone seen a woman wearing...
16:48 That's more like it.
16:50 I'm looking for...
16:52 Yeah, come on.
16:59 I'll show you.
17:04 Okay, we kind of got off on the wrong foot here.
17:07 Long story short, my old lady was...
17:13 Huh?
17:14 What is it?
17:15 Some people never learn.
17:19 Alright, Satans, we roll out at dawn.
17:22 Where are we going?
17:23 To the Biker's Jamboree in South Dakota.
17:26 You'll love it. Mickey Rourke's coming, and we're gonna jump him.
17:29 You know, there's more to life than boozing and roughhousing.
17:34 Haven't any of you ever had a dream?
17:36 Yeah, I had a dream. I was in this beautiful garden,
17:40 pounding the crap out of a shopkeeper.
17:42 Then... No, no, I mean the dream of a good job, a loving family,
17:47 and a home in the suburbs.
17:49 Aw, man.
17:50 To get all that, you'd have to kill, like, 50 people.
17:53 No, you don't have to kill anyone, not if you have jobs.
17:57 And the first step is an eye-catching resume.
18:00 No, I believe it's pronounced resume.
18:03 Actually, both are acceptable.
18:05 Yeah, I did see some bikers ride by here with the blue-haired woman about ten minutes ago.
18:10 Said they were going to spend the night at Crystal Lake Campground, Section K, Space 217.
18:16 I'm sorry I can't be of more help. I guess I'll never find her.
18:22 And when you get a job interview,
18:24 try not to call your employer a punk or a skank.
18:28 Makes sense. Oh, don't call them skanks.
18:32 Uh, Miss Simpson, I killed my pencil.
18:36 Broke. You broke your pencil.
18:39 I broke him.
18:42 That's right. And what else have we learned?
18:44 Oh, oh, that, uh, violence is wrong. Excellent, Ramrod.
18:50 Civilized people solve their disputes with words.
18:54 Homer, stop!
18:56 No, you don't understand!
19:03 What do we do here, Marge? He's using violence.
19:08 Talk to him. Use your words.
19:11 Homer, Homer, stop it.
19:13 We've given up our violent ways.
19:15 We just want to live peacefully with your wife.
19:18 No! My wife is not a doobie to be passed around!
19:22 I took a sacred vow on my wedding day to bogart her forever.
19:27 Oh, homie.
19:29 There's only one reasonable way to settle this.
19:32 You and me in the circle of death. Oh, I just swept the circle of death.
19:44 Fight!
20:04 We both knew it had come to this, you and me.
20:08 I'm a jumper to jumper!
20:20 You know what I'm gonna do after I kill you?
20:23 Take your wallet!
20:25 Never!
20:26 It was a gift from Newsweek!
20:31 Homer!
20:39 Give me back my wife!
20:42 Okay, okay, you win.
20:47 I don't blame you for wanting her back so bad.
20:50 A woman like that only comes along every couple of miles.
20:54 Hey, can we at least keep her till the orgy in San Birdu?
20:57 What do you say, honey? No!
20:59 No dice.
21:03 Goodbye, everybody!
21:05 Bye, Mrs. Simpson! Bye, Mrs. Simpson. Goodbye, Marge.
21:08 Bye-bye, Mrs. S. We'll stop at the nearest town and mail our resumes.
21:13 Resumes?
21:13 It still sounds weird to me.
21:26 Why are we stopping here? Taking care of some unfinished business.
21:33 Hi!
21:34 Go, go, go!
21:46 We'll be right back.
22:12 Thank you.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Chief Wiggum, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Waylon Smithers, Nelson Muntz, Martin Prince, Reverend Lovejoy, Groundskeeper Willie, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Richard, Sideshow Mel, Nina Skalka, Luann Van Houten, Adrian Belew, Bernice Hibbert, Sophie Jensen, Girl with glasses, Jaffee Ziswhisky, Buck-toothed boy, Dewey Largo, Buck-toothed girl, Sarah Wiggum, Boy with shades, Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon, Sherri and Terri, Lindsey Naegle, Cookie Kwan, Jay North, Meathook, Mental House Rock, Ramrod, Wolfguy Jack

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character