# Grift of the Magi

The Simpsons, season 11, episode 9 (S11E09), first aired December 19, 1999.
Written by Tom Martin. Directed by Matthew Nastuk. Production code BABF07.
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel; Joe Mantegna as Fat Tony; Gary Coleman; Tim Robbins as Jim Hope.
Chalkboard gag: "I will not sell my kidney on eBay". Couch gag: Fireman Pole.

When Fat Tony's crumbling wheelchair ramps bankrupt Springfield Elementary, Kid First Industries and its president Jim Hope take over the school and secretly use the students as toy researchers. Their creation, Funzo, is built to destroy rival toys, so Bart and Lisa urge a boycott, and on Christmas Eve Homer steals every Funzo in town to burn them, winning over security guard Gary Coleman, who tries to stop him.

Who's in it: Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Nelson Muntz, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Reverend Lovejoy, Groundskeeper Willie, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Richard, Jimbo Jones, Miss Hoover, Todd Flanders, Maude Flanders, Rod Flanders, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Kirk Van Houten, Nina Skalka, Janey Powell, Luann Van Houten, Helen Lovejoy, Adrian Belew, Bernice Hibbert, Becky Shorter, Dolph Starbeam, Sophie Jensen, Girl with glasses, Long-haired girl, Jaffee Ziswhisky, Buck-toothed boy, Gareth Prince, Dewey Largo, Buck-toothed girl, Sarah Wiggum, Lewis' lookalike, Gloria Prince, Boy with shades, Chuck Berger, Lunchlady Dora, Bumblebee Man, Black Weasel, Yellow Weasel, Wanda, Smug Girl, Coward, Fat Tony, Louie, Legs, Lindsey Naegle, Mr. Hippie, Howard, Girl playing soccer, Jerri Mackleberry, Gary Coleman, Señora Bumblebee Man, French Chef, Lisa's Classmate 2, Beck, Dixie Chicks, Jim Hope, Librarian, Patrick Ewing, Tea Leoni.

Every line said in the episode, and when. Its moments aren't described yet. The dialogue is from the episode's subtitles.

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## Every line

- 0:02 The Simpsons
- 1:22 Our top story, the ozone hole that devastated Brazil last summer,
- 1:26 is apparently wintering in Springfield. Woo!
- 1:29 Springfield rocks!
- 1:30 Residents are advised to stay inside unless you wear sunscreen or are very, very hairy.
- 1:36 Experts recommend a Class 9 or Robin Williams level of hair coverage.
- 1:40 Help! Somebody!
- 1:47 Let me in for the love of...
- 1:51 Are you okay?
- 1:53 I've been better.
- 1:56 Oh, I am so bored. Oh, I can't wait till we're teenagers.
- 2:01 Then we'll be happy.
- 2:02 Well, we could play Clam Traffic Jam or the game of County Seeds.
- 2:09 Aw, the zoning disc is warped.
- 2:12 All right, silly string!
- 2:16 Look, you're Milhouse. Who lets their bed now?
- 2:20 Milhouse!
- 2:22 I'll be in my room.
- 2:23 There's got to be something fun in my parents' closet.
- 2:26 Wanna dress up like ladies?
- 2:28 Uh, wouldn't that make us kinda...fruity?
- 2:32 What's the matter? Scared you might like it?
- 2:34 I'll show you who's scared.
- 2:37 Oh, wow. This really hides my thighs.
- 2:45 Sisters are doing it for themselves!
- 2:48 Hey, where's this door line? Oh, no, it's Dad!
- 2:56 What's going on? And I want a non-gay explanation.
- 3:01 We're drunk.
- 3:02 Really drunk.
- 3:04 Oh, thank God.
- 3:09 Clear.
- 3:11 Why are you doing that?
- 3:13 Oh, it's good for the batteries.
- 3:14 Now, I'm afraid your son has cracked his coccyx.
- 3:19 Sorry. How long will he take to recover?
- 3:22 You'll have to wear this fanny cast for quite some time.
- 3:25 But don't worry, son. It fits snugly under your clothes.
- 3:29 Do all these people have to watch me?
- 3:33 Now, son, this is a teaching hospital,
- 3:35 which is why I equipped the seat of your cast with a viewing window.
- 3:39 Oh, my. Oh, now, that's something. You should exercise more.
- 3:44 Whoa!
- 3:46 Uh, little help?
- 3:50 Bart, stop fooling around.
- 3:52 Principal Skinner,
- 3:53 I thought public schools were required to have access ramps for the disabled.
- 3:57 Technically, yes, but the building costs would be astronomical.
- 4:01 Did I hear the word astronomical?
- 4:04 If so, my construction outfit, Valdazzo Brothers' olive oil, is poised to help.
- 4:09 No, no, no, no. We're not building anything.
- 4:11 How can you say that when construction has already begun?
- 4:16 How did those trucks get here so fast? In order to avoid certain legal complications,
- 4:21 the trucks are always rolling.
- 4:23 Now for the groundbreaking ceremony.
- 4:28 Good Lord, do we really need all those ramps?
- 4:31 Who's to say? Does a peacock need all those fetters?
- 4:34 Look, you're getting a little philosophical for me.
- 4:36 I suppose so. They say it happens in the autumn years.
- 4:39 Be that as it may. Get your hand off my car.
- 4:44 This is a proud day. Now,
- 4:47 when people ask if we're in compliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1975,
- 4:51 I can say, we are closer than ever before.
- 4:56 Thank you. To inaugurate our ramp system,
- 4:59 here's the first of what I hope will be many disabled students, Bart Simpson.
- 5:04 Let's go, D-Boy.
- 5:06 What the?
- 5:07 Bart, where's your wheelchair?
- 5:08 Don't need it anymore. Doctor says my butt bone's stronger than ever.
- 5:13 Ta-da!
- 5:17 Well, at least we're prepared for the new millennium.
- 5:25 My God, the whole thing's made of breadsticks!
- 5:27 And paint and shellac. It's all itemized in this build.
- 5:32 $200,000?
- 5:33 Are you mad? I don't get mad. I get stabby.
- 5:38 The good news is we need no longer fear vicious mob reprisals.
- 5:49 But due to lack of funds, Springfield Elementary is closed forever.
- 5:54 Yay!
- 5:56 Oh, you're cheering now, but someday... Yay!
- 6:00 I'm just going to stop trying. Yay!
- 6:08 How could you close the school?
- 6:10 What will become of our kids? Where are the refreshments?
- 6:12 Now you keep asking me that, and I keep telling you over there.
- 6:18 As for the school, we are exploring various options to raise the $200,000 we need.
- 6:23 I've got a motorhome I never use. Maybe we should raffle it off.
- 6:25 Maybe you should shut up. Well, I... Okay.
- 6:29 We could try selling liquor.
- 6:31 I'm doing great.
- 6:32 Please, sir, put some shoes on.
- 6:34 What, you don't like my bags?
- 6:36 People, these are all good ideas. No, they're not.
- 6:39 They're terrible, terrible ideas.
- 6:41 You're right. It's hopeless.
- 6:43 No one has that kind of money. What about Mr.
- 6:45 Burns? Maybe he'll help us out. Forget it.
- 6:48 He releases the hounds in every charity that comes to his door.
- 6:51 Feed the children, save the whales, even release the hounds.
- 6:54 Well, maybe we can pry open his wallet with a slick professional pitch.
- 6:59 A school play.
- 7:04 Welcome to the world premiere of The Nice Man Giveth.
- 7:09 Focus. It's a play, sir.
- 7:13 Which one of these is the salt?
- 7:16 Too bad I'm an idiot because my school closed.
- 7:19 Oh, well.
- 7:20 No, that's the red poison.
- 7:23 And freeze.
- 7:24 Now, who in Springfield will eat the poisoned broth?
- 7:28 Oh, it could be anyone, even Mr. Burns.
- 7:31 This play really speaks to me.
- 7:36 I can't take Mr. Burns to the hospital because I'm too dumb to read a map.
- 7:41 Oh, why did my school have to close?
- 7:47 Hello, I'm Dr. Stupid.
- 7:49 I'm going to take out your liver bones.
- 7:52 Oops, you're dead.
- 7:54 I never liked that, Dr. Stupid.
- 7:57 Mr. Burns, I'll be honest. We had a hidden agenda tonight.
- 8:01 No!
- 8:02 The holiday season is approaching, and these children need a school.
- 8:05 Charity, eh?
- 8:06 Yes, I'd be more than happy. Oh,
- 8:12 it's doing that thing again.
- 8:14 We now return to... ¿Dónde está Justice?
- 8:18 El Ford Escort que me vendió es un limón.
- 8:21 No, no, no, no, no es un limón.
- 8:23 Es un carro fuerte.
- 8:26 Hmm, limón fuerte, limón fuerte, limón fuerte.
- 8:29 Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, mi estómago.
- 8:32 Oh, daytime TV is muy estúpido.
- 8:35 Hey, our school's on TV.
- 8:37 Springfield Elementary.
- 8:39 has reopened its doors.
- 8:42 I'm with Jim Hope of Kid First Industries,
- 8:44 which has generously stepped in to educate our children.
- 8:47 That's right, Kent.
- 8:48 You know, when public schools drop the ball,
- 8:50 it's up to the private sector to fall on that fumble and run for the end zone.
- 8:54 Will you be replacing the current teachers and administrators?
- 8:57 Very much so, Kent. But they've already received an extremely generous severance package.
- 9:01 Valencia?
- 9:03 These are juice oranges.
- 9:06 Howdy, children.
- 9:07 I'd like to welcome you back to school.
- 9:09 You know what? I agree.
- 9:10 What?
- 9:11 Your old school was boring. That's why it failed, right?
- 9:14 Well, we're not going to make you memorize facts and dates.
- 9:16 No, no, no. I'm going to find out what you really love in life and teach to that.
- 9:21 What are you passionate about, partner?
- 9:23 Boogers.
- 9:28 That was great.
- 9:29 You know, humor is a sign of intelligence.
- 9:31 You're not mad?
- 9:32 Hey, I'm here to make sure that you get a kick out of education.
- 9:36 Hi-ya!
- 9:38 Yeah!
- 9:39 He's rekindled my love affair with books.
- 9:46 Check it out. I'm breaking books at a sixth grade level.
- 9:50 Get him, boy. Hit those smart-ass books.
- 9:52 Why don't you kick some books, Lisa?
- 9:54 Bart broke all my books.
- 9:56 You know what our homework is?
- 9:58 Find a toy and bring it to class. Boy, that sounds fun.
- 10:01 I know, but I'm still not going to do it.
- 10:05 Since Christmas is coming soon, I thought we could talk about our favorite toys.
- 10:09 Milhouse, what have you got there? My busy box.
- 10:13 It's got everything.
- 10:16 I'm calling Daddy.
- 10:18 Good for you, not being bound by the recommended age.
- 10:21 What are you talking about?
- 10:24 Oh, geez.
- 10:26 How about the rest of you?
- 10:27 What do you like about those toys of yours?
- 10:29 They're special.
- 10:31 They're challenging.
- 10:38 Very good.
- 10:40 Now I want you all to imagine the perfect toy.
- 10:42 What would it be like? It should be soft and cuddly.
- 10:45 Yeah, with lots of firepower. Its eyes should be telescopes.
- 10:49 No, periscopes. No, microscopes. Can you come back to me?
- 10:53 It should be full of surprises. It should never stop dancing.
- 10:56 It should need accessories.
- 10:58 Now that's market research you can take to the bank.
- 11:01 The money bank. I just wish those second graders would stop jerking us around.
- 11:07 Fun toys are fun.
- 11:08 Well said, Ralph.
- 11:10 But we're trying to come up with a name for a toy.
- 11:13 Mrs. Fun? Not bad.
- 11:15 Fun? Ralph, there are no right or wrong answers, but if you don't pipe down,
- 11:19 I'm giving you an F.
- 11:20 The before teacher yelled at me, too.
- 11:22 No one's yelling. We're just brainstorming names.
- 11:25 Lisa, any ideas?
- 11:27 Oh, uh, name with fun.
- 11:28 Um, fungus.
- 11:30 Funzo.
- 11:31 Attila the fun.
- 11:32 Lisa, are you doing math?
- 11:33 Uh, just a few Venn diagrams. There's more under her chair.
- 11:40 Lisa in trouble.
- 11:42 The ironing is delicious.
- 11:44 The word is irony.
- 11:46 Don't you think there's something weird going on here?
- 11:48 We spent all day selecting fabric swatches,
- 11:51 and then our guest speaker was Phil from marketing.
- 11:54 All's I know is I'm getting straight A's, and that ain't not bad.
- 12:00 That's not funny!
- 12:17 They're spying on us. Why would they do that?
- 12:21 I see you.
- 12:25 Give me a hug.
- 12:36 This better be important, Lisa.
- 12:38 I left Ralphie alone in the bathtub.
- 12:40 Daddy, I'm ready to get out now. Over.
- 12:45 This broom closet is not what it seems.
- 12:47 It's a secret surveillance room guarded by a tiny evil robot.
- 12:51 Is this gonna be like one of those horror movies where we open the door and everything's
- 12:56 normal and we think you're crazy,
- 12:57 but then there really is a killer robot and the next morning you find me impaled in a
- 13:02 weathervane?
- 13:03 Is that what this is, Lisa? To be fair, not all evil robots are killers.
- 13:08 Listen, when you see what's inside, this...
- 13:12 I don't understand. I could swear it was right here.
- 13:15 Yeah, right, mop top, and I'm Ed Sullivan.
- 13:18 Really big shoe.
- 13:20 No, no, I can do it better.
- 13:21 Really big shoe.
- 13:22 Really big.
- 13:23 That's it.
- 13:25 Well, folks, that's the end of Krusty's non-denominational holiday fun fest.
- 13:29 I want to thank my guests, Taye Leone, Beck,
- 13:33 The Dixie Chicks Merry Christmas,
- 13:37 y'all And Patrick Ewing as the genie So have a Merry Christmas
- 13:43 Happy Hanukkah Quazy Kwanzaa A tip-top tent And a solemn,
- 13:49 dignified Ramadan Now a word from my god Our sponsor
- 13:55 I see you
- 13:59 Give me a hug
- 14:02 Ha!
- 14:03 That's the doll that attacked me! This Christmas, everybody wants Funzo.
- 14:09 Funzo?
- 14:10 I said that name in class.
- 14:12 Funzo's soft and cuddly. With lots of firepower!
- 14:17 Yes!
- 14:18 Ha ha!
- 14:19 Funzo! Funzo! Funzo! If you don't have Funzo, you're nothing.
- 14:25 Mom, I know what I want for Christmas!
- 14:27 Bart, they lied to us. Instead of giving us an education,
- 14:30 they tricked us into designing a toy.
- 14:33 Aren't you outraged? No, but if you're going to throw a spaz, I'll come with.
- 14:37 Good.
- 14:37 Saddle up the bikes.
- 14:43 Get down, security guard.
- 14:48 Hey, it's Gary Coleman.
- 14:50 But the menu said galaxy of prawns. Three prawns are hardly a galaxy.
- 14:56 What do you mean your hands are tied? Let me talk to Mr.
- 14:59 Kwan. I want to see how this turns out. The phone's not even plugged in.
- 15:03 All right, you listen to me, Kwan.
- 15:05 Hang on, I got another call.
- 15:07 Yes, Mr. President. I can be in Washington right away.
- 15:14 You people took advantage of trusting schoolchildren.
- 15:18 How did you get past Gary Coleman? Let's just say he's a few prawns short of a galaxy.
- 15:26 I'm sorry, Gary. There's no longer a place for you here.
- 15:29 What you talking about, Miss Nagel?
- 15:31 That is so adorable!
- 15:33 You're rehired.
- 15:34 Sucker!
- 15:35 I knew exactly what she was talking about.
- 15:43 Lisa, I know you're mad, but just for a damn minute,
- 15:46 try to see this from a product positioning standpoint.
- 15:49 Do you have any idea how much pressure we're under to come up with the new Furby or Tickle
- 15:53 Me Elmo? And thanks to you,
- 15:55 Funzo is the first doll designed by children for children with all the profits going to
- 15:59 children. Really?
- 16:01 Yeah, well, we're all somebody's children.
- 16:03 But hey, we did screw you a little, so here's a free Funzo.
- 16:07 Deal!
- 16:08 Eh, brother.
- 16:09 And I want Funzo's dream fortress,
- 16:12 Funzo's lower back pain chair, Funzo's European voltage converter.
- 16:17 Why not get three?
- 16:20 Three it is.
- 16:24 Thanks, Funzo.
- 16:26 You rock.
- 16:27 All righty.
- 16:30 It's always a party with Funzo.
- 16:33 I admit it's kind of cute, but it'll never take the place of Malibu Stacy.
- 16:41 Ah!
- 16:42 Did you see that?
- 16:44 Yeah, Funzo makes playtime fun.
- 16:50 Hey, why is it destroying other toys?
- 16:52 They must have programmed it to eliminate the competition.
- 16:55 You mean like Microsoft?
- 16:57 Exactly.
- 16:58 Come on, Bart, we've got to warn everyone.
- 17:07 Boy, Pat Funzo!
- 17:09 He's a toy killing machine!
- 17:11 Oh, that shy little imp.
- 17:14 I have a flower for ooh.
- 17:17 Oh, man, I gotta get me one of those. Hey, I'm not waiting till the store opens.
- 17:24 Wow, only 22 seconds from muttering to door smash.
- 17:28 That projects to a profit of $370 million.
- 17:32 I'd still sleep a little easier if I saw some trampling.
- 17:35 Ow, ow, ow, hey, ow. Now, why would you wear cleats to a store?
- 17:40 Well, I guess that's it.
- 17:42 Come Christmas Eve, there'll be a funzo under every tree.
- 17:47 Unless...
- 17:50 So, who am I beating up? Nobody.
- 17:52 You're just gonna break into everyone's house and steal their favorite toy.
- 17:56 Thus saving Christmas.
- 17:57 Now let's see. This'll make three Christmases I saved versus eight I ruined.
- 18:03 Two were kind of a draw.
- 18:04 Dad, Dad, you're driving on the sidewalk.
- 18:06 Sorry.
- 18:11 Joy to the world, the Lord is come.
- 18:15 Let Earth receive her King Let every...
- 18:21 Season's greetings. Peace out.
- 18:29 Silent night
- 18:34 Holy night All is gone
- 18:40 All is bright
- 18:51 Riding funzoes in my sack
- 18:54 Makes me happy Makes me hurt my back Just dump them in the fire,
- 18:59 Dad Yes, the madness ends here Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I've heard that
- 19:10 I'm very mad at you
- 19:21 Well, what do we have here?
- 19:24 Looks like the biggest ripoff since Webster.
- 19:26 Please, Mr. Coleman, we can explain.
- 19:29 I'm listening.
- 19:31 Your toy company is evil. Well,
- 19:33 isn't it possible for an evil company to make people happy?
- 19:36 Are you saying the end justifies the means?
- 19:39 That's a very glib interpretation. Hey, don't talk to my sister that way.
- 19:43 No, Bart, he's right. I did oversimplify.
- 19:47 Perhaps, but let's not get bogged down in semantics.
- 19:50 I think what Lisa meant to say is...
- 19:52 And so, Gary Coleman and the Simpsons argued long into the night.
- 19:58 And then, as day broke, the spirit of the season entered their hearts.
- 20:04 Let's just agree that the commercialization of Christmas is at best a mixed blessing.
- 20:09 Amen. In? Yeah.
- 20:12 Love!
- 20:14 Hey, look out!
- 20:19 Well,
- 20:23 there's something you don't see every Christmas.
- 20:25 Hey, it is Christmas.
- 20:26 We better get home.
- 20:31 Hey, Dad, what do you think of... I'm going to get the crash back of the sky.
- 20:38 Um, uh, Mr. Coleman, I've been thinking, uh,
- 20:42 my wife always makes too much stuffing and sweet potatoes and all,
- 20:46 and oh, heck, would you like to spend Christmas with us?
- 20:50 No way.
- 20:51 I'm having Christmas at George Clooney's house.
- 20:55 Gary.
- 20:56 All right, I'll come.
- 20:59 And Gary Coleman was as good as his word.
- 21:02 As for old Mr. Burns,
- 21:04 he was visited by three ghosts during the night and agreed to fund the school with some
- 21:09 money he found in his tuxedo pants. Thank you.
- 21:12 Thank you.
- 21:13 While Mo, seeing what the world would be like if he had never been born,
- 21:18 pulled his head out of the oven and replaced it with a plump Christmas goose.
- 21:24 Happy holidays, dear.
- 21:26 Merry Christmas, Mo.
- 21:28 Uh, listen, I kind of banged up that Jeep in the driveway.
- 21:32 What you talking about, Moe?
- 21:35 What you talking about, everyone?
- 22:24 Shh.
- 22:32 Thank you.