Alone Again, Natura-diddily

The Simpsons, season 11, episode 14. First aired February 13, 2000. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

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From “Alone Again, Natura-diddily”: “Come on! Somebody crash!” — Come on! Somebody crash!

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About the episode

At a new speedway, cheerleaders fire T-shirt cannons at a shirtless Homer, but he bends to grab a bobby pin and the barrage knocks Maude Flanders from the stands to her death. Feeling responsible, Homer records a revealing video dating tape to find Ned a new partner, and after a crisis of faith Ned is drawn to Rachel Jordan, lead singer of the Christian rock band Kovenant.

Written by: Ian Maxtone-Graham
Directed by: Jim Reardon
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel; Frank Welker as Parrot; Shawn Colvin as Rachel Jordan
Chalkboard gag: My suspension was not 'mutual'
Couch gag: Bumper Cars
Production code: BABF10

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

329 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:57 AVAILABLE NOW
1:06 Ah!
1:26 Now remember, we have to leave nature just the way we found it.
1:29 Everything we pack in, we pack out. What if I have to do my business?
1:34 Use this plastic bag.
1:36 Aw, how come bears can crap in the woods and I can't?
1:44 Oh, we're so lucky to have this untouched piece of paradise so close to Springfield.
1:51 Bees!
1:52 They sound angry and Africanized.
1:55 Okay, nobody panic. There's plenty of spray for me.
2:05 That doesn't sound like bees.
2:08 Oh, my God.
2:10 It's a racetrack.
2:12 The bird sanctuary.
2:15 They ruined it. No, they didn't.
2:18 They just surrounded it with something wonderful.
2:21 Like a raisin covered in chocolate.
2:23 Or a monkey in a cowboy suit.
2:34 See? Animals can get used to anything.
2:41 Start your engine!
2:43 Show us your bulbs! Show us your bulbs!
2:45 You better do what he says, Marge.
2:51 Cool!
2:52 Way to adapt, little guy!
2:56 Why do jerks think everyone wants to see their stupid name?
3:10 Sorry to break up your picnic, folks. I'm two-time fast car champ Clay Babcock.
3:14 You're on fire!
3:15 Yeah, I have won a lot of races, but it's all thanks to my crew, really.
3:19 Whew!
3:20 There it is. Mr. Babcock, can I take a ride in your car?
3:22 Well, my A car was just incinerated, but you could ride in my B car.
3:27 I don't see why not.
3:30 Bart, these are the time trials that determine the pole position.
3:34 Shouldn't you be keeping your hands on the wheel?
3:36 Oh, sure, if you want to drive the traditional way.
3:40 Sorry.
3:41 Boy, these cars are surprisingly roomy. Yeah,
3:44 we like to bring our families along on the longer races.
3:46 If I get tired, I'll let my wife drive.
3:49 She's good.
3:49 Get your feet off the upholstery.
3:54 Folks, I got some spare tickets if you'd like to stick around for the race.
3:57 That's very sweet, but we have a full day of hiking planned.
4:00 We can hike any time. This is our chance to see cars driving.
4:08 Hi, diddly-ho, pedal to the metalophiles.
4:10 Landers, since when do you like anything cool?
4:13 Well, I don't care for the speed, but I can't get enough of that safety gear.
4:17 Helmets, roll bars, caution flags.
4:19 I like the fresh air and looking at the poor people in the infield
4:26 Dang Cletus why'd you have to park by my parents now honey, it's my parents too
4:39 Daddy can we move closer?
4:41 Absolutely hot Roddy we're up here out of range of the crashes and the drivers cussing
4:45 move your damn butt bite me
5:00 Come on! Somebody crash!
5:02 Be patient, son.
5:04 The watch car never crashes.
5:07 Oh, I missed one!
5:11 Let's go, let's go!
5:15 The dice, the dice, the dice!
5:20 Eight seconds great job boys
5:27 Let's go new tires come on come on going as fast as we can Hey, who are you?
5:33 Oh, how rude of me. My name is
5:38 My bad
5:40 And now here's something for the guys Finally Let's
5:46 hear it for Fandemonium!
5:50 Hey racing fans!
5:52 Who wants a free T-shirt?
5:56 Nice baby, I do! I do!
6:00 Wait, no I don't!
6:07 Mmm, a Ford urinating on a Chevrolet.
6:10 Don't you usually laugh at everything? Yeah, yes I do.
6:15 Come on, right here!
6:18 I'm okay, folks!
6:21 I need a shirt!
6:22 Give me a shirt!
6:23 Mommy has bosoms like that.
6:25 Yeah, I wish.
6:27 Nettie, I've had about all I can take of Homer Simpson's torso.
6:30 I'll get some hot dogs.
6:32 No footlongs.
6:33 I know. They make you uncomfortable.
6:36 Well, I guess no one else wants a t-shirt.
6:40 That's a damn lion, you know it! Give me a shirt!
6:44 You heard him, girls.
6:48 Hey!
6:49 T-shirt, T-shirt, T-shirt!
6:51 Fire!
6:54 Ooh, a bobby pin!
6:56 Oh!
7:00 Mod?
7:05 Oh, my Lord, she's dead!
7:14 It's hard to believe we're never going to see Maude again.
7:18 And poor Ned didn't get a chance to say goodbye.
7:21 Well, from now on,
7:21 I'm never going to let you leave the room without telling you how much I love you and how
7:25 truly special.
7:27 This is really eating up a lot of time. Maybe just a pat on the butt.
7:30 Yeah, that worked.
7:32 Now, homie, you know Ned and the boys need us.
7:35 And you know what that means.
7:37 I know.
7:38 No more being a jerk. That's right.
7:54 In many ways, Mon Flanders was a supporting player in our lives.
8:00 She didn't grab our attention with memorable catchphrases or comical accents.
8:06 Aye.
8:07 Yar. Oh, Glavin, why, Glavin?
8:10 But whether you noticed her or not, Maud was always there.
8:15 And we thought she always would be.
8:18 My friend's life is about change.
8:21 Just yesterday, Apu was a lonely bachelor.
8:25 Just thank God those days are over.
8:28 And the Van Houtens were enjoying a storybook marriage.
8:32 Yeah, lots of storybooks have witches.
8:35 Shut up, Kirk.
8:36 Sorry. And now the good people at Fandemonium, as part of a generous settlement,
8:40 will fire a 21 T-shirt salute.
8:54 Finally!
9:01 Need, my friend, please know that the Quickie Mart is there for you 24 hours a day.
9:06 Oh, thank you, Appu.
9:08 And I'm going to give you all of Maud's frequent squishy points.
9:12 The boys at headquarters will not like it,
9:14 but I'm getting pretty sick of them and their Bombay attitude.
9:17 That's enough there, Appu.
9:18 Look, Ned, I know we ain't hung out much.
9:20 What was your insane fear of drinking and me being banned from the church and all,
9:24 but that Maud, she was really something.
9:27 Oh, wasn't she? Thank you, Moe, I appreciate that.
9:30 No, I really mean it, though. I mean, if it was you that died,
9:32 I would have been on her so fast. What are you saying?
9:35 What? Nothing. She was hot. What? You can't take a compliment?
9:38 Hot?
9:39 You monster!
9:41 That's good. No.
9:42 Let it out. That's it. Let it out.
9:44 Send me to morgue. That's it.
9:46 Here I come, baby. Oh, yeah.
9:52 Bart? Honey, I think you should go play with Rod and Todd.
9:58 Oh, man. Why does everything bad have to happen to me?
10:01 When I'm feeling low, you know what always cheers me up?
10:05 Is it love?
10:07 Kindness?
10:08 Ooh, tough room.
10:10 Video games. What do you got?
10:12 Billy Graham's Bible Blaster?
10:14 Keep firing.
10:16 Convert the heathens.
10:21 Got him. No, he just winged him and made him a Unitarian.
10:25 Look out, Bert, the gentle Baha'i.
10:29 All right. Full conversion!
10:31 Thanks, guys. This really cheered me up.
10:33 Second coming. Reload. Reload. Can we play now?
10:37 You are playing. We're a team.
10:40 Yay!
10:45 Now, if there's anything, anything at all I can do to help out...
10:49 Quit hogging Flanders. I want to comfort him.
10:51 It's nice of you, Homer, but I think I'll just go to bed.
10:56 Then I insist on walking you home.
10:58 Homer, this really isn't necessary.
11:00 Those feelings are normal, Ned. They're part of the process.
11:04 Watch the sprinkler. Hey, that's my sprinkler.
11:07 It's natural to feel that way, but the sprinkler is gone.
11:10 It's time to let go. I just bought that.
11:13 I know, I know. It's never easy.
11:16 You want anything else? Water? Chili fries?
11:19 How about some white noise?
11:22 I feel like it's after.
11:28 Sleep tight, Neddy.
11:41 Oh, you want a rock fight, eh?
11:44 No, Homer. I just need to talk.
11:47 Okay, write down.
11:51 Just keep replaying the whole thing in my head.
11:55 I can't believe my last words to Maude were no footlongs.
11:59 Yeah,
12:01 it would have been a lot better if you'd said I love you or you're special You know,
12:04 something sweet instead of that hot dog crack If I'd only been a gentleman I got the hot
12:10 dogs myself She'd still be here Now, now, now,
12:13 don't beat yourself up I'm the one who drove her out of her seat I'm the one who provoked
12:18 the lethal barrage of t-shirts I'm the one who parked in the ambulance zone Preventing any
12:23 possible resuscitation
12:25 But there's no point in playing the blame game Ah,
12:28 you're right I just gotta work through the grief.
12:31 It's not gonna be an easy answer.
12:34 Easy answer, eh?
12:40 Oh, that's it, baby. That's the money shot.
12:43 You had a camera, loved you. Oh, you tease, you.
12:47 Why are you taping Flanders, Dad?
12:49 You'll see.
12:50 Do you even have a job anymore?
12:52 I think it's pretty obvious that I don't.
12:56 Okay, I finished the gardening sequence.
12:58 Okay, from here we star wipe to a glamour shot of Flanders paying his bills.
13:03 Then we star wipe to Flanders brushing his...
13:06 Dad, there are other wipes besides star wipes.
13:09 Why eat hamburger when you can have steak?
13:12 I'm taking my name off this thing.
13:15 So, how you doing, Ned?
13:16 Oh, I spent a hard couple of months, but I feel like I've turned a corner.
13:20 Well, that's all gonna change thanks to this tape.
13:23 Tape? Now, the audio needs some tweaking,
13:25 and there's some footage of Maggie being born that I couldn't get rid of.
13:28 Anyway, enjoy.
13:31 Single women of Springfield, your prayers have been flancered.
13:36 Ned Flanders, that is. Is this a dating video?
13:40 Shush. What would you say about a man who owns his own house and his own car?
13:45 That's Ned Flanders.
13:48 A man who's not afraid to cry.
13:51 Hey, Ned.
13:53 So that's why you maced me.
13:56 Yeah.
13:57 Ned does everything with class. whether he's punching in his ATM code
14:03 or keeping clean in the shower. Homer!
14:06 But don't take my word for it.
14:08 Listen to this testimonial. Oh, I would date Ned in a second if I was a woman or gay.
14:13 He looks like a cuddler, that Ned. I like that.
14:16 I like to be held. I like to be pampered.
14:21 So if you're tired of dating the same old losers...
14:24 What are you doing, Homer? Step up to the best.
14:26 Ned Flanders, the man with the chest.
14:35 Now we'll just send this to the dating service.
14:38 The chicks will fall for you and bam, the healing begins.
14:43 Homer, you obviously went to a lot of trouble, but dating, it just feels way too soon.
14:48 Oh, that's great.
14:51 Chicks really dig sensitivity.
14:53 Did you get that part? Got it. Beautiful, then Starwipe and we're out.
15:02 Well, with triple word score, that's 90.
15:05 I guess my luck is starting to even out.
15:09 I'm just a Q without a U.
15:30 Hello?
15:32 Mailman?
15:38 These are the women who saw your videotape and are interested.
15:41 And feel free to root around in the one-nighter bin.
15:44 The bin is spoken for. Are you going to call all those women?
15:47 No, the tapes will do just fine. Thank you.
15:50 Homer, I'm having second thoughts. This feels so disloyal to Maude.
15:54 Oh, wake up, Ned. You think Maude isn't dating in heaven?
15:57 You think she would? How could she not? The place is full of eligible bachelors.
16:02 John Wayne, Tupac Shakur, Sherlock Holmes.
16:06 Sherlock Holmes is a character.
16:08 He sure is.
16:10 Okay, here goes nothing.
16:13 If you select me, you'll get a lot more than a Wharton MBA pulling in 200K.
16:18 You'll get a woman who's poised, articulate, sophisticated, confident, and highly sexual.
16:24 Hang on, I'm getting a fax.
16:26 Damn, I've just been indicted.
16:28 Looks like we're gonna have to reschedule.
16:30 How's your July?
16:31 Well, I... Mine's terrible.
16:32 Let's talk in August.
16:38 Dinner was delicious, Edna.
16:40 But I can't shake the feeling that you're just using me to get Principal Skinner jealous.
16:45 Oh, please.
16:46 I don't care what Mr.
16:48 Engaged to be engaged thinks.
16:50 Hear that, Seymour? Edna, this is childish.
16:53 Fine, then hang up. I will hang up when he leaves.
16:58 Well, Diane, I've sure enjoyed chatting with you about your problems with your mother.
17:02 Did you hear that, Foofy?
17:05 Sounds like somebody loves us. Yes, it does.
17:08 Yeah.
17:09 Well, maybe I'll call you again sometime.
17:11 Ooh, Foofy doesn't like the sound of that maybe.
17:15 Cause him's a commitment dog, isn't him?
17:25 Oh, how'd you do tonight, Romeo?
17:27 I just can't relate to the women of today, Homer.
17:30 Ah, it's probably me. I'm about as exciting as a baked potato.
17:34 You're darn right you are. And you've got lots of other great qualities, too.
17:38 That's right, Ned. Those floozies we married in Vegas were crazy about you.
17:43 What floozies? What are you talking?
17:45 Marge, we're trying to help Ned.
17:48 Lord, I never question you, But I've been wondering if your decision to take bod was...
17:55 Unless this is part of your divine plan.
17:58 Could you just give me some kind of sign?
18:02 Anything.
18:05 And after all that church chocolate I bought, which, by the way,
18:09 was gritty and had that white stuff on it.
18:13 Well, I've had it.
18:21 Daddy, get up. You'll be late for church.
18:24 You boys can go with the Simpsons. I'm not going to church today.
18:28 That's right.
18:29 And I may not go to church tomorrow.
18:34 No, I'm not kidding.
18:35 I'm gonna sit right here and miss church.
18:38 You just watch.
18:41 Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!
18:45 While our organist is on a much-needed vacation,
18:48 We thought we'd try something new So get down and put your knees together For the
18:53 Christian rock stylings of
18:56 Covenant
18:59 Hey, isn't that the bass player from Satanica?
19:03 I think it is
19:09 Electric guitars in church Oh my gosh, some dropouts must have overpowered the reverend
19:17 This is a love song about a dude I met in a sleazy motel A dude named God
19:23 In a motel room in Delacroix I
19:29 was drinking like a Dartmouth boy And thinking about the wrong terms that I took
19:35 Well,
19:36 I woke up on the pew green floor And opened up a dresser drawer Looking for
19:42 a bottle But instead I found a book She's talking about the Bible.
19:47 So? She's good looking. Shut up. You shut up.
19:51 A book about a man A book about the dude who lives above A book about
19:57 a man Who drives a pickup full of sweet, sweet love
20:06 Now if you think he doesn't care Or maybe that he isn't there It's not
20:12 too late to see how wrong you are
20:16 So when your soul is gone astray Just let God be your triple A He'll tow
20:21 you to salvation And he'll overhaul your heart
20:30 Glad you made it, Ned I knew he would
20:38 I'll be right back, boys I'm gonna go help that lady
20:41 Homer, you helped too. My toilet's not on ye Sabbath woman.
20:45 A pot's on thee.
20:52 That was a lovely song.
20:55 It really got to me.
20:57 Been through some rough times yourself?
20:59 I recently lost my wife.
21:01 I'm real sorry to hear that. We just lost our drummer to a Pentecostal ska band.
21:07 I know it's not the same, but... No, I hear what you're saying.
21:10 Dang, it's always hard to replace someone.
21:12 Yeah.
21:13 My name's Rachel Jordan.
21:14 If you feel like talking, maybe we could grab a coffee.
21:17 Well, that sounds real nice, Rachel, but I'm not quite...
21:23 I understand.
21:25 Listen, we're heading out on tour with the Monsters of Christian Rock.
21:28 Maybe when we get back, you and I could get together.
21:31 Well, maybe we can.
21:32 My name's Ned Flanders, and I'm here every week.
21:36 Rain or shine.
21:43 It's a show about Ned About him losing his sweet wife She landed
21:49 on her head But now it's time to get on with his
21:54 life
22:24 Shh.

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