# Treehouse of Horror XI

The Simpsons, season 12, episode 1 (S12E01), first aired November 1, 2000.
Written by Rob LaZebnik; John Frink and Don Payne; Carolyn Omine. Directed by Matthew Nastuk. Production code BABF21.

Three Halloween tales: Homer dies after eating broccoli and must return as a ghost to do one good deed within 24 hours or be kept out of Heaven. In a fairy-tale kingdom, Homer abandons Bart and Lisa in a forest full of storybook dangers, including a witch. Lisa frees Snorky, a captive dolphin, who leads his kind in an invasion that drives humanity into the sea.

Who's in it: Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Nelson Muntz, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Patty Bouvier, Reverend Lovejoy, Selma Bouvier, Groundskeeper Willie, Lou, Jimbo Jones, Eddie, Miss Hoover, Todd Flanders, Rod Flanders, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Mayor Quimby, Sideshow Mel, Kirk Van Houten, Larry Dalrymple, Hans Moleman, Luann Van Houten, Helen Lovejoy, Professor Frink, Bernice Hibbert, Agnes Skinner, Dolph Starbeam, Horatio McCallister, Comic Book Guy, Ruth Powers, Dr. Nick, Gareth Prince, Dewey Largo, Superintendent Chalmers, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Sarah Wiggum, Herman Hermann, Gloria Prince, Sanjay Nahasapeemapetilon, Cletus Spuckler, Old Jewish Man, Alice Glick, Lunchlady Dora, Bumblebee Man, Charlie, Raphael, Brandine Spuckler, Fat Tony, Just Stamp the Ticket Man, Jack Marley, Ms. Albright, Legs, Arnie Pye, Disco Stu, Kang, Kodos, Luigi Risotto, Akira Kurosawa, Mona Simpson, The Devil, Martha Quimby, Dr. Hibbert's Second Son, JJ Hibbert, Julius Hibbert's Second Daughter, Chester J. Lampwick, St. Peter, Baby Bear, Father Bear, George Cauldron, Goldilocks, John Wayne, King Snorky, Mother Bear, Rapunzel, Suzanne, Troll.

Every line said in the episode, and when. Its moments aren't described yet. The dialogue is from the episode's subtitles.

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## Every line

- 0:59 Hey, who cut out Beetle Bailey?
- 1:01 I need my Miss Buxley fix. I don't like you ogling her.
- 1:05 Why don't you read Kathy? She's hilarious.
- 1:08 Eh, too much baggage.
- 1:10 Ooh, my horoscope.
- 1:12 Taurus, today you will die. What?
- 1:15 And you may get a compliment from an attractive coworker.
- 1:19 Lenny? It really says die?
- 1:21 That sounds unusually specific for a horoscope.
- 1:24 Hmm, maybe I better check mine. Today your husband will die.
- 1:30 Homer, I'm scared.
- 1:32 Oh, scary newspaper.
- 1:34 Don't hurt me, horoscope.
- 1:35 I'm afraid... Ow!
- 1:37 Oh, paper cut, paper cut!
- 1:43 Missed me!
- 1:44 Stupid horoscope.
- 1:57 Ah-choo!
- 1:59 Gloopid flora-pope.
- 2:03 Homer, if I may compliment you.
- 2:05 Yes, go on. That is one handsome rattlesnake you got biting your arm there.
- 2:10 Yeah, it's quite fetching, but aren't you worried about the deadliness?
- 2:14 Nah, he'll get tired of biting in an hour or so.
- 2:17 Snakes. Nature's quitters.
- 2:20 That horoscope was baloney. Nothing happened except for the pickaxe in my head,
- 2:24 the rattlesnake bite, and the testicle thing.
- 2:26 What's for dessert? No dessert until you eat your broccoli.
- 2:30 Oh, fine.
- 2:40 Another broccoli-related death. But I thought broccoli was...
- 2:43 Oh, yes. One of the deadliest plants on Earth.
- 2:46 Why, it tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.
- 2:50 Sure is easy when they're stiff like this.
- 2:53 And very sad.
- 3:02 St. Peter! Woo-hoo!
- 3:04 Got to heaven before you, Flanders!
- 3:09 I wouldn't celebrate so soon, Mr. Simpson.
- 3:12 I don't see a single good deed next to your name.
- 3:16 Well, the thing about that is...
- 3:22 Homer, settle down. I'll give you a chance to get into heaven.
- 3:26 You have 24 hours to go back and do one good deed.
- 3:30 I'm sorry, I didn't get the number of hours or good deeds.
- 3:37 Oh, homie, I still can't believe a piece of broccoli killed you.
- 3:42 What the hell was I thinking?
- 3:52 I tried the broccoli again.
- 3:54 You have 23 hours left.
- 4:03 Marge Simpson.
- 4:05 Homer, it's you!
- 4:07 I thought I'd never see you again.
- 4:09 You were wrong.
- 4:10 Dead wrong.
- 4:12 Do you have to talk like that?
- 4:14 No, not really.
- 4:15 Marge, you gotta help me. I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
- 4:18 Well, I've got a whole list of chores.
- 4:21 Clean the garage, paint the house, grout the...
- 4:23 Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm just trying to get in.
- 4:25 I'm not running for Jesus.
- 4:27 Okay, good deed, good deed.
- 4:29 Hello?
- 4:33 Hey, a chance for a good deed.
- 4:38 Oh, she's mine.
- 4:40 Oh my lord.
- 4:42 What's happening to me? People can see up my bustle.
- 4:46 Hey, stop squirming.
- 4:47 Gah!
- 4:50 Uh-oh. Uh, I'm pretty sure she was gonna be the next Hitler.
- 4:54 Hello?
- 4:55 Good deed done.
- 5:00 Let's see, good deed.
- 5:04 Gotta find a good deed.
- 5:08 Bingo!
- 5:09 Your dad is dead, mine's just in jail.
- 5:13 Nelson!
- 5:15 Huh? Who said that?
- 5:17 I am the ghost. Gotcha!
- 5:21 Bart! Help!
- 5:23 Oh, no!
- 5:28 Just one minute left to get into heaven.
- 5:30 There's gotta be some good deed I can do.
- 5:32 Come on, think, think.
- 5:38 My baby!
- 5:39 Stop that crying!
- 5:42 I don't know! Man, you're annoying.
- 5:49 Oh, it's a miracle!
- 5:52 Thank heavens!
- 5:53 Woo-hoo!
- 5:56 Did you see that? I did the deed. Open up.
- 5:58 Oh, I'm so sorry. I wasn't looking.
- 6:01 Hey, I thought you guys could see everything.
- 6:03 No, you're thinking of Santa Claus.
- 6:05 Well, I'll be damned. I'm afraid so, yes.
- 6:15 I am Homer Simpson.
- 6:19 Silence, sinner!
- 6:20 Prepare for an eternity of horrible pain!
- 6:24 Oh, no!
- 6:26 Ha-ha!
- 6:28 Oh, be quiet. You'll wake up John Wayne.
- 6:33 I'm already up.
- 6:44 Son, I don't like you watching that fire.
- 6:46 It's too violent.
- 6:51 You're missing the best part, sister. Forget that stupid book.
- 6:54 But these fairy tales take me away from the harsh reality of peasant life.
- 6:58 It's not so bad.
- 7:00 Ow!
- 7:02 Oh, I just got over the plague.
- 7:05 Hello, wife. Hello, children.
- 7:08 Who's up for a Mary jig?
- 7:12 Oh!
- 7:14 Oh, who am I kidding?
- 7:16 I'm not Mary.
- 7:18 I lost my job as an oaf today.
- 7:21 What?
- 7:21 Oh, why are the oafs always the first to go?
- 7:25 Maybe you could be a dunce, Father. Really?
- 7:28 Hey!
- 7:31 What do you think? Do you love it?
- 7:37 Oh, I'm no dunce. I was born an oaf and I'll die an oaf.
- 7:41 But husband, without your weekly pittance, how shall we feed our children?
- 7:45 Don't worry. No child will ever starve in my home.
- 7:49 So long, kids.
- 7:51 Enjoy your new home.
- 7:54 Say hi to your other brother and sister.
- 7:56 Ugh!
- 7:58 Other brother and sister?
- 8:01 Face it, they're not great parents.
- 8:06 No!
- 8:06 That bridge has a troll under it!
- 8:09 Everything in this forest is from a fairy tale, and this book can keep us one step ahead.
- 8:15 Aw, jeez, I came on too strong again. I'm so desperately lonely.
- 8:25 Hello!
- 8:26 Lost lovable orphans!
- 8:29 Huh!
- 8:34 Hmm, bowls of porridge.
- 8:37 Oh, this seems somehow familiar.
- 8:39 Let's see.
- 8:41 Oh, whoa, too hot!
- 8:45 Too cold. Well, this doesn't take a genius.
- 8:51 We're in a three bears house!
- 9:04 That was close.
- 9:06 I wonder where Goldilocks was.
- 9:09 Oh, oh.
- 9:10 That bed was just right.
- 9:13 Gah!
- 9:15 Oh, no!
- 9:18 Ah! Ah!
- 9:22 Boy,
- 9:27 jumping your kids in the forest sure gets your hands dusty.
- 9:30 What? What? You threw our precious babies into the woods?
- 9:34 We could have sold them.
- 9:36 Go back and get them. Here's a better idea.
- 9:39 I know how we can replace those children.
- 9:43 Son! Daughter!
- 9:45 I'm ever so sorry!
- 9:52 Brave Sir Knight, I pray you, climb up and rescue me!
- 10:01 Ow!
- 10:01 No!
- 10:02 Wait!
- 10:04 No!
- 10:12 Wow, a house made of gingerbread.
- 10:15 Come on in, my darlings.
- 10:17 The best candies are inside.
- 10:20 Wait, let me check the book.
- 10:23 Eh, she seems nice. I'm gonna go with my gut and trust her.
- 10:27 You're probably right.
- 10:32 Sweep faster! It's almost time for your beating!
- 10:36 Oh, this is horrible.
- 10:38 Horribly delicious.
- 10:40 You know, she's only fattening you up so she can eat you.
- 10:43 Eh, what are you gonna do?
- 10:46 Well, at least stop basting yourself.
- 10:49 Stop your chattering and sweep! This house is filthy!
- 10:52 So what do you care? It's not like you have friends.
- 10:54 I have a boyfriend.
- 10:57 What?
- 10:58 I do.
- 10:58 Oh, yeah? What's his name? Uh, George!
- 11:03 Cauldron!
- 11:04 George Cauldron? Maybe he could fix me up with Ed ladle.
- 11:10 That's it! Into the oven with you!
- 11:13 Oh, no!
- 11:16 What?
- 11:19 Mmm, check your walls. Father, I knew you'd rescue us.
- 11:24 I'll rescue you, stuff myself with candy, it's all good.
- 11:28 Oh, that's a load-bearing candy cane, you clumsy oaf!
- 11:39 Oh,
- 11:47 that all you got?
- 11:48 Huh?
- 11:53 Oh, fish!
- 11:55 Oh no, that's me!
- 11:57 Get me out of here! Get, get, get out of here!
- 12:00 Just a minute!
- 12:01 Ah!
- 12:06 Oh, God, no!
- 12:08 Let me out! I couldn't pee in more pain!
- 12:12 Ah!
- 12:18 Uh, hello, I'm George Cauldron. Is Suzanne ready yet?
- 12:22 Almost.
- 12:22 Just give her another 20 minutes.
- 12:26 But the concert's at eight.
- 12:31 Well, we're still poor, but thanks to your father, we'll never go hungry.
- 12:35 Speaking of which, how about seconds? Coming up.
- 12:42 Let's get on the street!
- 12:45 Chomp!
- 13:00 Let's give Snorky a big hand!
- 13:04 Yay, Snorky!
- 13:05 Now we're gonna need a volunteer to frolic with Snorky.
- 13:08 So raise your hand if you wanna be...
- 13:17 Oh, Snorky.
- 13:19 Folks, we're heating up the lobster tank,
- 13:21 so hurry on over if you want to pet them before you eat them.
- 13:26 It's okay. They're gone now. You could...
- 13:29 Hey, where are you going?
- 13:38 Oh, you want to be with your friends.
- 13:44 Hmm...
- 13:47 Oh...
- 13:52 It's getting away! Kill it!
- 13:55 Go on! Swim to freedom!
- 13:58 Go!
- 14:30 The meatball!
- 14:45 Mmm.
- 14:47 Alcohol and night swimming.
- 14:49 It's a winning combination.
- 14:56 Oh, sharks, the assassins of the sea.
- 15:00 Ooh, hey, you're not sharks. You're dolphins, the clowns of the sea.
- 15:05 Ow, ow, hey, what's the gas?
- 15:10 Ah, ha, ha!
- 15:19 Hmm, bottlenose bruise. blowhole burns, flipper prints.
- 15:23 This looks like the work of rowdy teens.
- 15:26 Lou, cancel the prom.
- 15:30 Yar, it begins.
- 15:32 The dolphins are upon us. And only this old sea dog knows how to stop this.
- 16:30 Two crusty shakes, a donut burger with cheese, and a party-sized bucket of flan.
- 16:38 Yes, I will have fries with that.
- 16:45 Anything to get out of work.
- 16:48 Our top story, Killer Dolphin. Killer dolphins?
- 16:52 The recent wave of murders...
- 16:57 Um, did I say killer dolphins? I meant killer Italians.
- 17:03 Gray, bottlenosed, intelligent Italians.
- 17:07 Intelligent Italians?
- 17:08 Something's wrong.
- 17:10 It's dolphins.
- 17:11 We have to stop them. If we speak in low-frequency voices, I don't think they can...
- 17:15 Ow!
- 17:19 Those dolphins seem bent on mayhem. We've got to warn Grandpa.
- 17:27 Hm, phone's off the hook.
- 17:29 Everything must be okay.
- 17:34 I'm gonna give your liver such a punchin'.
- 17:40 People, please.
- 17:41 We're all frightened and horny,
- 17:43 But we can't let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring.
- 17:52 Willie, must you do that now?
- 17:54 You want streaks, because if you interrupt me, that's what you'll get.
- 18:13 It's approaching the podium.
- 18:15 Surely it cannot speak.
- 18:18 Snarky.
- 18:19 Talk.
- 18:21 Man.
- 18:24 I'm sorry, let me start over.
- 18:26 Eons ago, dolphins lived on the land.
- 18:29 Why did he say? He said dolphins used to live on the land.
- 18:33 Whaaat? Then your ancestors drove us into the sea,
- 18:37 where we've suffered for millions of years.
- 18:40 But you seemed so happy in the ocean. All that playful leaping.
- 18:44 We were trying to get out.
- 18:45 It's cold, it's wet.
- 18:46 Every morning I wake up phlegmy. Plus all that sewage we keep dumping.
- 18:50 That was you? It was her, all right. Take the one who wronged you.
- 18:54 I, King Snorky, hereby banish all humans to the sea.
- 19:03 Pushy dolphins.
- 19:05 I don't like that. I tuned out. Where are we going?
- 19:08 Wait, stop.
- 19:09 We can outsmart those dolphins. Don't forget, we invented computers, leg warmers,
- 19:14 bendy straws, peel and eat shrimp, the glory hole, and the pudding cup.
- 19:18 I'm not gonna let a few hoop-jumping tuna munchers push me around!
- 19:24 Uh-oh.
- 19:36 Jeez, so many dolphins.
- 19:53 Oh no, you poor thing.
- 19:56 Here... Ow!
- 19:58 Son of a... Hey, leave my daughter alone.
- 20:00 Come on, humans. We've wiped out entire species before.
- 20:04 We can do it again.
- 20:06 Yeah!
- 20:12 Oh!
- 20:18 If I could just... This is really not...
- 20:21 You're hurting my... Oh!
- 20:24 Go!
- 20:32 Come on, lads! Let's drive them back to the ocean!
- 20:46 You gotta hand it to those dolphins.
- 20:48 They just wanted it more.
- 20:50 I kinda wish I hadn't freed their leader and, you know, doomed mankind.
- 20:55 Oh, honey, I wouldn't say doomed.
- 20:58 It's gonna be an adjustment, no question.
- 21:09 Can you believe it Kodos? They left us out of the Halloween show.
- 21:14 Are you sure the space phone is working?
- 21:18 Hang up. They could be trying to call right now.
- 21:21 I knew we should have sent them a muffin basket.
- 21:26 Kang and Kodos Productions.
- 21:28 Uh-huh.
- 21:30 Yes.
- 21:31 Just a second.
- 21:33 Do we want to do a commercial for something called Old Navy?
- 21:37 Work is work.