The Great Money Caper

The Simpsons, season 12, episode 7. First aired December 10, 2000. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← The Computer Wore Menace Shoes Skinner's Sense of Snow → The whole episode as text

From “The Great Money Caper”: “It looks like a sturgeon.” — It looks like a sturgeon.

Caption it, or make a GIF

About the episode

After a sturgeon falling from the Mir space station damages their car, Homer and Bart take up grifting and con a retirement home with Grampa. A fake FBI agent arrests them, then steals their car and loot. Homer lets Groundskeeper Willie be tried for the theft until a staged courtroom shooting makes him confess, and the fake agent turns out to be actor Devon Bradley, part of the setup.

Written by: Carolyn Omine
Directed by: Mike Frank Polcino
Guest stars: Edward Norton as Devon Bradley
Chalkboard gag: The nurse is not dealing
Couch gag: Fish Bowl
Production code: CABF03

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

377 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

1:27 Welcome to the Magic Palace.
1:29 Okay, you can park my car, but no joyriding.
1:34 Wait a minute.
1:42 Hello, I'm Questo. I'll be a waiter and mentalist for this evening.
1:47 I'm receiving a drink order.
1:49 Something foamy.
1:50 Is it a... Beer, yes. How did you know?
1:56 And for the lady, a long island iced tea.
2:01 Whoa!
2:04 Oh, they ought to call that a large island iced tea.
2:10 How long is better? Are you really going to drink that?
2:14 Well, maybe a sip.
2:16 I don't want to offend our mentalist.
2:19 If she doesn't like it, I'll just die.
2:29 Mom, you're missing a great show.
2:32 You don't know what I'm missing.
2:38 I'd like to visit that Long Island place.
2:42 If only it were real.
2:44 Now, for my next illusion, I'll need a volunteer.
2:47 I'll do it!
2:48 I always end up doing it.
2:53 I'm Diablo.
2:54 What's your name?
2:55 Marge.
2:56 Okay, Marge. And who's that gentleman you're with?
3:00 That's no gentleman. That's my husband.
3:06 Wow.
3:07 Mom got a laugh. I wish she drank every day.
3:11 Do we love Marge or what?
3:14 Oh, please. I didn't say that for clapping.
3:17 Now, Marge, I have a problem. Oh, yeah? You see, the emperor of China's coming over,
3:21 and I don't have enough colorful silks.
3:24 So what I need of you is... You talk too much.
3:27 Abracabra.
3:29 Am I right?
3:30 See, the ladies know what I'm talking about.
3:35 Tell you what, let's get this ball gag on, yeah?
3:38 There we go. And we'll skip right ahead to the Kilo Team.
3:43 Whoa, baby.
3:47 Don't worry, Marge, you won't feel a thing.
3:50 You'll feel four things.
3:54 He's very good.
4:05 So she was made of chimps.
4:07 Man, magic can do anything.
4:10 What happened to Mom?
4:12 I'm right here.
4:18 Oh, get off! Folks, this is not part of the act.
4:21 Please help her.
4:23 Get him off me! Get him off! Get him off!
4:26 Cool gift shop.
4:28 Ages 8 to 80.
4:30 Hmm.
4:31 That's me.
4:31 Dad, will you get me this magic kit? Gee, I wish I could, son,
4:35 but we already left the gift shop.
4:39 Don't!
4:41 Wow, it's approved by the Royal Magic College of Hyderabad.
4:45 That's a party magic college. It is not.
4:49 Yuh-huh. Nuh-uh.
4:50 Could you cut it out, you two?
4:52 Mommy needs some quiet right now.
4:58 What the hell is that?
5:00 It looks like a sturgeon.
5:03 But where did it come from?
5:14 Poggio! Poggio! Poggio!
5:22 Well, there's your problem. I know that.
5:25 How much to fix it? Oh, well, that's a foreign fish we're looking at.
5:29 So, uh, 6500.
5:32 Plus 350.
5:33 Oh, I can't afford that.
5:35 Maybe I can make some money, Dad. My Magidact is really coming along.
5:41 He couldn't breathe.
5:44 Step right up, see the magic boy.
5:47 Witness mystifying feats that will leave you scratching your head until it's raw and
5:52 bloody.
5:54 Oh, my goodness.
5:56 Come on, pony up, Flanders. The kid's not turning tricks for nothing.
6:00 Oh, no, I can never support the black arts.
6:03 Black arts? Yeah, you know, magic, fortune-telling, oriental cooking.
6:06 Hey, you guys.
6:10 You're in our spot.
6:12 Okay, we'll move. but we don't want any trouble, fellas.
6:15 Dad, only one of them is real. I know, but which one?
6:21 60 cents. I would have made more if I'd gone into work today.
6:25 Hey, don't blame me. I got to compete with TV and the internet.
6:28 A good son would come through for his dad.
6:31 Yeah, and a good dad wouldn't miss his son's Little League games.
6:33 I told you.
6:35 I find them boring.
6:37 Well, I showed up for all your stupid interventions.
6:40 Oh, that's it. You can walk home.
6:47 Dad, come back!
6:50 I can't walk home with all this stuff.
6:55 Poor boy.
6:56 Get some money for bus fare.
6:59 My father was a monster, too.
7:05 Come on, brothers.
7:07 Dig deep.
7:10 Stupid, non-magical son can't pay to fix my car.
7:15 Hey, Homer!
7:15 Check it out!
7:17 What the...
7:19 Is that a steak?
7:21 Yeah, I know a little place. Who gave you all this money?
7:25 People. I guess they thought it was a charity case.
7:28 Really?
7:30 Hey, maybe we could do that again.
7:33 Can you look even more pathetic?
7:36 Oh, that's beautiful.
7:39 We could make a fortune.
7:41 But wouldn't that make us con artists?
7:44 Well, yeah, but God conned me out of 6,500 bucks in car repairs.
7:50 So, in a way, we'd just be balancing out the universe.
7:56 There you go.
7:57 We'd be stealing from people we know.
8:00 It's just like the seasons. Sounds good.
8:03 Wanna eat my fat? I think you know the answer to that.
8:12 This book has all the classic cons. There's the pigeon drop, the ear wigger,
8:17 the brilstein grab.
8:18 Do you have any father and son griffs?
8:19 Well, there's the Albany ham scam.
8:22 Interesting.
8:23 Oh, wait. Here we go.
8:25 Ah-da-dee-dee-dee.
8:27 Ah-da-doo-doo-dee-ho-ho.
8:29 What are you doing? Why are you frosting that old throw pillow?
8:33 I could ask you the very same question.
8:35 Should I just back out of the room?
8:38 Would you?
8:44 Okay, Dad. Ready for our first con? You bet.
8:47 Let's trim the mark. Nice use of the lingo, Homer.
8:52 10-4, Kemosabe.
8:53 Oh.
8:58 I love you, too.
9:00 Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
9:04 Oh!
9:05 Oh, excuse me.
9:07 What happened?
9:08 Where's my cake? It's all right, isn't it?
9:11 Uh... What have you done, you clumsy little ox?
9:14 That cake was for your deaf sister!
9:17 Sir, it was my fault. No, no, don't protect him.
9:20 You'll work off that cake in the acid mines.
9:24 No, no, no, I'll pay for the cake.
9:26 Well, you're the mark of integrity.
9:31 Wow, look at all this loot!
9:33 What should we buy first? A singing rubber fish, of course.
9:37 There you are! How's the magic act?
9:39 What in the hell are you talking about?
9:42 Oh, right!
9:43 The magic!
9:44 The magic was great! It's really the way to go.
9:48 How'd you do your act? You left your magic kit here.
9:51 Or so it would seem.
9:54 Sucker.
9:55 I don't know, Mom. I think they're up to something.
9:57 Oh, sure looks that way. But at least Bart and Homer are spending quality time together.
10:03 Is that a Long Island iced tea?
10:06 Oh, this?
10:07 Hmm.
10:08 I think it is.
10:12 Mmm.
10:13 You're a pretty girl.
10:16 Here, boy.
10:17 Here, doggy.
10:19 Oh, where has my little dog gone?
10:21 No, you lost your doggy. Yeah.
10:24 I saw him playing in the water, and then he was gone.
10:26 He had a bright red leash with bells on it.
10:29 Oh, I'm sure he's around here somewhere.
10:33 Oh, dear Lord.
10:36 He's the bestest dog ever.
10:38 He's light brown and he has a spot on him shaped like a heart.
10:41 Sorry, son, but... I just gotta get him back.
10:45 Or, if not him, a similar dog.
10:48 Dog for sale!
10:54 How much for the dog? Oh, he's not for sale.
10:58 Although, if the right offer came along...
11:06 Here's for the repairs and a little extra for you.
11:09 Hey, thanks, Chief.
11:11 Gah!
11:12 My bar mitzvah cake!
11:14 Oy, I'll never be a man.
11:19 Yes, son? Why are we still grifting?
11:22 The car's paid for. Doesn't that balance out the universe?
11:25 In a way, but I also remember some other stuff,
11:28 like my bike that was stolen in third grade.
11:30 Plus the baldness. Okay, I'm sold.
11:35 Hello, is the lady of the house in? Oh, no, Homer.
11:39 Remember, Marty got called up to heaven.
11:41 Oh, of course, of course.
11:44 It's just that... What?
11:46 Well, before she died, she ordered this Bible, especially for you.
11:50 Why, there's my name in gold. Now, you weren't home,
11:55 so we had to pay the delivery man. Well, I'll just reimburse you right...
11:59 Wait a minute.
12:00 This seems an awful lot like that movie, Paper Moon.
12:04 Run, Dad!
12:05 Okay!
12:08 We'll be safe in here. That was too close.
12:10 Maybe it's time to quit the game.
12:12 Amateurs!
12:13 Huh?
12:14 Dad?
12:15 That's right!
12:17 You don't smoke a pipe.
12:19 That's right!
12:22 Why don't you get wise to us? Are you kidding?
12:25 They used to call me Grifty McGrift. I wrote the book on flim-flammin'.
12:31 Wow, he did.
12:33 Yeah, in the Depression, you had to grift.
12:36 Either that or work. So what's the pitch, old man?
12:39 Team up with me, boys.
12:41 And we'll go for the biggest honeypot of them all!
12:48 Oh, my God!
12:50 I don't know. Oh, fleecing old people.
12:53 Oh, why not? If we don't take their money, they'll just give it to some televangelist.
12:58 Let's dust a few fossils.
13:00 Now, this scam was in the sting part two,
13:04 so nobody knows about it. Now, as I recall, Jackie Gleason...
13:12 Which one of you youngsters is Abe Simpson?
13:15 I'm Abe Simpson.
13:16 You've just won $10 million from that publisher's Cleary-Dealy.
13:22 What?
13:23 Everybody, come quick.
13:25 Abe Simpson is rich. I can't believe it.
13:28 I can finally afford a young, crazy stripper wife.
13:34 Yeah, I'm gonna get me the craziest, strippiest...
13:42 She's dead.
13:44 Oh, this is terrible.
13:46 Now who do we give the money to?
13:48 I guess we'll just have to haul the check back to headquarters.
13:51 Too bad we couldn't just give it to these nice folks.
13:53 Forget it, Ed.
13:54 Do you know what it costs to sign over a check this big?
13:57 Why, the wealth transfer fee would run at least $100 a head.
14:01 You're right. We better just take this check back for shredding.
14:04 No, wait. We got $100 each.
14:07 Hang on.
14:12 Thank you. No shoving.
14:14 That's right. Put your money in here. All of it.
14:17 Is that everyone?
14:19 What's your problem, sport?
14:20 Afraid to be rich? Hold your horses, I'll get to you.
14:27 FBI! You're under arrest for fraud.
14:35 Throw the book at him, Sonny.
14:37 Don't! Now, where's the inside man?
14:43 Call me Mint Jelly, cause I'm on the lam.
14:51 So, we're under arrest for fraud? Yes, fraud.
15:02 Well, this is about the flashiest car I've ever impounded.
15:06 Thanks.
15:07 It took a lot of grifting.
15:09 Please, FBI man, don't throw us in jail.
15:12 We just made one mistake.
15:14 Yeah, we're not criminals. We're just two crazy mixed up kids.
15:20 Hmm.
15:21 Okay, tell you what. I'll let you turn yourselves in.
15:24 Maybe they'll go easier on you. You'd do that for us?
15:27 Well, I did ruin the boy's birthday cake.
15:30 Go on in.
15:30 But I'll be watching.
15:32 Okay, thank you, sir.
15:35 Don't worry, son. I have an idea.
15:38 Chief, I'd like to scare my son straight.
15:41 Could I show him a jail cell?
15:43 Oh, sure. I'll put you in the Rick James suite.
15:47 It's super freaky.
15:53 Okay, we're all locked up now. Yeah, you big idiot.
15:58 Excellent.
15:59 I guess I'll just be swiping your car now.
16:01 What?
16:02 Oh, and this lovely bag of cash.
16:06 So long, suckers.
16:08 Woo-hoo!
16:10 That's not an FBI badge. Colgate Cavity Patrol?
16:15 Oh!
16:16 That guy was a grifter.
16:18 Yeah, he conned us good.
16:19 Well, at least we still have our jobs at the sweepstakes place.
16:23 What?
16:23 Mom's gonna wonder where the car went. We better have a good story.
16:27 Oh, Lies got us into this mess, son.
16:30 From now on, it's honesty all the way. You were carjacked?
16:34 In the church parking lot?
16:36 Absolutely.
16:37 We had stopped in for a quick prayer when...
16:40 Bart, would you call him a crazy man? Definitely.
16:42 Well, crazy about carjacking. What did he look like?
16:45 Well, let's see.
16:48 He was foreign and he had some... Wild, bushy hair, like an animal.
16:54 Anything else?
16:55 Well, he seemed like a loner. Kept to himself, mostly.
16:58 And he said if we went to the cops, he'd come back for Maggie.
17:02 Oh, dear. We don't want that.
17:04 Anyhoo, the whole nightmare has really made us sleepy.
17:08 Let's hit the hay.
17:13 Homie! Homie, wake up! They've captured your crazed foreign carjacker!
17:17 Whoa, but that's impossible!
17:20 They're arresting him right now!
17:22 I did not do it, I told you!
17:25 Uh-oh.
17:26 At least let me comb my hair!
17:28 It's all wild and bushy! What do you care, loner?
17:32 Whoa, look at that!
17:34 But who called the police?
17:36 We did! After we got Maggie to a safe house, of course.
17:39 Hmm.
17:40 She hasn't touched her man-wich.
17:43 You cannot do this to Willy!
17:45 I'm innocent, I told you! They always say they're innocent.
17:49 It's such a turn off.
17:51 Dad, Willy got arrested because of us.
17:53 Course he did, son. He's a filthy crook.
17:56 Let's all hit the hay.
17:57 It's ten in the morning.
17:59 I guess you haven't heard of chloroform.
18:06 Will you tell the court your whereabouts at the time of the carjacking?
18:11 I was alone in my Unabomber-style shack.
18:14 I had nothing to do with that carjacking.
18:16 Carjacking? Who said anything about a carjacking?
18:20 Oh, man.
18:21 But didn't you just see? I'll ask the questions here, carjacker Willie.
18:26 Objection!
18:26 I'm going to allow it. It characterizes the defendant as a carjacker.
18:29 Dad, we've got to tell everyone the truth.
18:32 Let's see how this plays out.
18:35 Mr. Simpson, could you describe your assailant to the court?
18:39 I told you my memory is fuzzy.
18:41 Fuzzy!
18:43 Fuzzy like Willie's beard?
18:46 Yes, exactly!
18:48 No, no, I mean, the whole incident is hazy.
18:51 Hazy like the Moors of Scotland?
18:55 Yes, exactly!
19:02 Hey, out in two.
19:10 Mr. Foreman, has the jury reached a verdict?
19:14 I believe we was promised five dollars a day.
19:18 All right then.
19:20 Guilty.
19:22 Carjacker, Willie. I sentence you to ten years in prison.
19:28 Dad, tell them. When the time is right. Ten years?
19:33 But I didn't do it. Sure you didn't. Now let's get you to Attica.
19:40 You'll never send me up the river. Dad.
19:44 Let's see where he's going with this.
19:49 Willie, is your employer I insist that you...
19:54 Stop!
19:55 This has gone on just long enough!
19:58 Nobody carjacked me.
20:00 I tried to pull a con and got conned myself.
20:03 And then I lied to you all!
20:10 So did Bart. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
20:14 OK, players, that's a wrap!
20:21 Nice work, everybody.
20:23 Wait a minute. This whole thing was a set-up?
20:26 But Skinner got shot.
20:28 Huh?
20:29 Yep, blanks in a blood pack.
20:31 Hey, watch it! I look like cable TV!
20:35 What about that bullet hole in your hair?
20:37 Squibs!
20:40 Yeah, we horn-swoggled you good. But what about the guy who took my car?
20:47 Devon Bradley, character actor, dancer, singer.
20:50 I'm a triple threat.
20:52 He's doing dream code at the dinner theater.
20:54 I can't believe everyone was in on it. Well, he wasn't.
20:59 Wait a minute. You're telling me the police force, the TV news,
21:03 a courthouse full of people,
21:04 and a popular entertainer had nothing better to do than to teach me and Bart a lesson?
21:08 I know it seems far-fetched, even insulting to your intelligence.
21:12 But there's a simple and highly satisfying explanation.
21:16 You see... Hey, everybody!
21:18 Surf's up!
21:23 Cowabunga!
21:26 Ha!
21:27 Mm,
21:31 hey, hey!
22:26 Shhh!

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Chief Wiggum, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Dr. Hibbert, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Jasper Beardsley, Ralph Wiggum, Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier, Groundskeeper Willie, Santa's Little Helper, Lou, Eddie, Todd Flanders, Snowball II, Rod Flanders, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Sideshow Mel, Bernice Hibbert, Horatio McCallister, Ruth Powers, Dewey Largo, Cletus Spuckler, Old Jewish Man, Raphael, Princess Kashmir, Blue-Haired Lawyer, Louie, Hazel, Hester, Karen, Daphne Beaumont, Gladys, Michael Jackson, Prudence, Devon Bradley, Diablo, Harry Houdini, Questo

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character