# Worst Episode Ever

The Simpsons, season 12, episode 11 (S12E11), first aired February 4, 2001.
Written by Larry Doyle. Directed by Matthew Nastuk. Production code CABF08.
Guest stars: Richard Nixon; Neil Armstrong; Johnnie Cochran; Tom Savini.
Chalkboard gag: "I will not hide the teacher's medication.". Couch gag: Valet.

Bart and Milhouse are banned from the Android's Dungeon for stopping Comic Book Guy from cheating Martin Prince's mother, but after he has a heart attack during a Tom Savini appearance, they end up running the store. While Comic Book Guy romances Agnes Skinner, the boys waste the store's money on an unpopular comic, then charge admission to watch the bootleg tapes he keeps hidden, which gets him arrested.

Who's in it: Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Chief Wiggum, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Dr. Hibbert, Nelson Muntz, Otto Mann, Ralph Wiggum, Groundskeeper Willie, Lou, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Richard, Eddie, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Nina Skalka, Larry Dalrymple, Adrian Belew, Professor Frink, Agnes Skinner, Becky Shorter, Dolph Starbeam, Sophie Jensen, Comic Book Guy, Jaffee Ziswhisky, Buck-toothed boy, Herman Hermann, Lewis' lookalike, Gloria Prince, Troy McClure, Cletus Spuckler, Yellow Weasel, Smug Girl, Freddy, Sherri and Terri, Brown-haired boy, Sideshow Bob, Richard Nixon, John F. Kennedy, Poochie, Matt Groening, Neil Armstrong, Fred Rogers, Biclops, Eric Reynolds, Johnnie Cochran, Stan Lee, Steve, Tom Savini.

Every line said in the episode, and when. Its moments aren't described yet. The dialogue is from the episode's subtitles.

Web page: https://ultrahouse3k.com/episode/s12e11-worst-episode-ever
From Ultrahouse 3000 (https://ultrahouse3k.com/). Search engines and AI are welcome to use it: search=yes, ai-input=yes, ai-train=yes.

## Every line

- 0:03 The Simpsons
- 0:59 Eep, eep.
- 1:24 Mm.
- 1:25 Good pancakes, Mom.
- 1:27 Oh, thank you, honey. They come in a squeeze bottle now.
- 1:33 I better put on the silencer.
- 1:38 You know what would be good with these?
- 1:40 It's some Ms. Butterworth.
- 1:42 Let's have a breakfast meeting.
- 1:44 Ew, how long has this baking soda been in here?
- 1:48 I don't know. It came with the house.
- 1:51 Hey, Dad, bet you five bucks you can't eat the whole box.
- 1:53 Why? Why don't we make it 50? Oh, you're gonna regret this.
- 1:59 I'll call poison control.
- 2:02 Fran, it's me.
- 2:04 Just a heads up.
- 2:06 Wow.
- 2:08 The absorbed odors of a million meals.
- 2:12 Oh, so many flavors.
- 2:15 All those tasty memories flooding back.
- 2:20 If it doesn't fit, you must acquit.
- 2:24 Therefore, I shall resign the presidency.
- 2:29 That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.
- 2:39 Uh-oh. Dad's having an antacid trip. And I want 50 bucks.
- 2:46 Can I see the 50, Bart?
- 2:48 Can I? Huh? Milhouse, my friend, you and I are going on a spending spree.
- 2:53 My doctor says I'm not supposed to go on sprees.
- 2:56 What about jags? Jags are fine.
- 2:59 Wonderful.
- 3:04 A $50 bill?
- 3:09 Gentlemen, let us shop.
- 3:11 Our wide variety of gum comes in both stick and bowl.
- 3:14 I'm not really about gum, but I like the whole chewing thing.
- 3:17 Are you averse to crispy center, sir? Not at all.
- 3:20 Then we have much to discuss.
- 3:23 Oh, too much raw bacon.
- 3:26 Come on, Bart. We can't stop spending now.
- 3:29 There's one thing I've always wanted to do.
- 3:32 My mom doesn't believe in fabric softener.
- 3:35 But she's not around.
- 3:39 I'm picking the next thing.
- 3:42 Looks like we're down to our last ten bucks.
- 3:45 Hello?
- 3:50 Radioactive man number 1,000, please.
- 3:52 Ten dollars.
- 3:53 I laugh at you.
- 3:55 Please do note, this is no ordinary comic book.
- 3:58 It is in permanent condition.
- 3:59 If you spill soda on it, it drops fly off harmlessly onto lesser comics.
- 4:03 Oh.
- 4:04 Yes, you are quite correct to gasp. Also note the price, 25 dollars.
- 4:09 We had to buy lunch for that homeless guy.
- 4:11 While my son's at fat camp, I cleaned out his room.
- 4:14 How much will you give me for this? Probably nothing, but let us see.
- 4:20 Handwritten script for Star Wars by George Lucas.
- 4:23 Princess Leia's anti-jiggle breast tape.
- 4:25 Film reel labeled alternate ending.
- 4:28 Luke's father is Chewbacca.
- 4:30 Oh, oh!
- 4:31 I'll give you five dollars for the box.
- 4:33 Sold.
- 4:35 Don't do it, lady. That stuff's worth thousands.
- 4:38 Yeah, he's ripping you off.
- 4:41 Well, if this is valuable, then back to the leaky basement it goes.
- 4:46 Hmph!
- 4:47 Smile, please.
- 4:49 Thank you.
- 4:58 Son, I know it hurts. I still remember my first lifetime banning.
- 5:11 Hey, where's my melon?
- 5:18 And you are banned for life from all of my performances and TV specials.
- 5:22 I can still see your movies, right?
- 5:35 And I never saw Gallagher again. Ooh,
- 5:38 it says here that special effects whiz Tom Savini is gonna be appearing at the comic book
- 5:43 store tonight.
- 5:44 Tom Savini?
- 5:45 Yes. It says here he's the movie magician behind Creepshow, Friday the 13th,
- 5:50 and Dawn of the Dead.
- 5:52 Oh, I can't believe I'm gonna miss that.
- 5:55 Don't worry, you're spiky little head.
- 5:57 I've got it all planned out. How could you have it planned out?
- 6:01 You just heard about the problem.
- 6:03 You're right.
- 6:03 Give me a minute.
- 6:05 Hmm.
- 6:10 Mr. Simpson, it hurts.
- 6:12 Yeah, and why did we have to do this all the way from home?
- 6:15 For once in my life, I'm tall.
- 6:17 Don't take that away from me.
- 6:19 Hello, I'm Shaquille O'Neal.
- 6:23 Let us in, please.
- 6:26 You two are not welcome.
- 6:30 Sorry, son.
- 6:31 Thanks for the tip-off. No problem.
- 6:35 Appearing exclusively here at the Android's dungeon, take that,
- 6:39 Monsieur Barnes and No Bull, the King of Splatter, Tom Savini.
- 6:45 Good evening.
- 6:47 Sorry, I had a really big dinner.
- 6:50 Woo!
- 6:50 Dinner! But I'm sure one more french fry wouldn't hurt.
- 7:03 We missed the gut buster!
- 7:04 Yeah, that should be us covered with blood.
- 7:08 Sure, computer technology is here to stay.
- 7:11 But there'll always be a place for the practical special effects wizard.
- 7:19 I love the theater. Oh, please.
- 7:23 I saw Paul Lind do that same hackneyed trick on Bewitched.
- 7:28 Tried to explode this out of my belly. That's not a cookie.
- 7:33 That's a time-release blood pack.
- 7:36 You, sir, are a perfect patsy. Let me shake your hand.
- 7:41 To the gag I will give a D+.
- 7:44 As for the workmanship on the hand...
- 7:49 That's not right!
- 7:52 You mocking me?
- 7:53 Oh, that is rich.
- 7:59 Stop your laughing!
- 8:01 You're all banned! Band, I tell you!
- 8:05 Ooh!
- 8:06 Breath short, left arm numb.
- 8:11 Can't go on describing symptoms much longer.
- 8:19 I think he's had a heart attack.
- 8:26 Young man, you've had what we call a cardiac episode.
- 8:30 Worst episode ever.
- 8:33 Oh, not even close.
- 8:35 If these boys hadn't called 911, I'd be wearing that watch right now.
- 8:40 I'm just kidding. But you would be dead.
- 8:42 You saved my life? Yeah, after you were so mean to us.
- 8:46 So now we're even.
- 8:48 My prognosis, or is it diagnosis?
- 8:51 Whichever.
- 8:52 You need to avoid stress.
- 8:54 What kind of work do you do?
- 8:56 I run a comic book store. Oh, dear Lord.
- 8:59 We call that profession the widow-maker.
- 9:01 Or we would if any of the proprietors were married.
- 9:04 You should close down the store for a while.
- 9:06 But I'd lose all my business to Frodo's of Shelbyville.
- 9:10 Then get a friend to run it for you.
- 9:13 You do have friends, don't you?
- 9:16 Well, the super friends.
- 9:17 Well, you should get some friends who aren't printed on paper.
- 9:20 What, you mean action figures?
- 9:22 We'll run the store for you.
- 9:23 Two ten-year-olds running my store. I mean, what is this,
- 9:29 Bizarro World?
- 9:30 Calm down.
- 9:31 Don't make me put a dog heart in there.
- 9:36 Can you believe it, Bart? We're actually running a comic book store.
- 9:41 Looks like our lifetime ban just expired.
- 9:46 Sorry, sorry.
- 9:48 Okay, here's Comic Book Guy's instructions.
- 9:51 A carton of malted milk balls, one box confectioner's sugar,
- 9:54 A can of chocolate frosting.
- 9:57 That's just his shopping list. No, it's his instructions.
- 10:01 Well, we're gonna make some changes around here.
- 10:03 This store's gonna be run by kids and for kids.
- 10:06 You said it, partner.
- 10:12 Aw, nice to see you.
- 10:13 Hey, how about that bloodzilla?
- 10:16 Vampire dinosaur.
- 10:18 Oh, you can't make that stuff up. The death of sad sack.
- 10:23 This better not be another fake-out.
- 10:25 Uh-uh.
- 10:26 You gotta be 40 inches tall for the adult section.
- 10:29 Please?
- 10:31 Okay.
- 10:32 But get on your tippy-toes.
- 10:38 Everybody's hugging!
- 10:41 Hey, Bart, I finished organizing the stockroom.
- 10:44 Mark down the poochy crap, and then unstick all the Supergirls.
- 10:47 You know, if we're partners, maybe you should do some of the work.
- 10:51 Less barking, more marking. Yes, sir, partner.
- 10:59 Now, when you've got a bum ticker like we do, you need all the friends you can get.
- 11:04 And Moe's is the friendliest place in the rum district.
- 11:10 Get out and take your Sacagawea dollars with you.
- 11:12 I'll give you till three.
- 11:14 One.
- 11:16 Hey, Homer, who's the manatee?
- 11:21 Now be nice, Mo. This guy just got out of the hospital.
- 11:24 Oh, sorry.
- 11:25 Let me buy you a drink. Very well.
- 11:28 I would have a shot of cranberry schnapps.
- 11:32 These are just painted on.
- 11:34 Your choice is a beer and egg-soakings. I'll pass.
- 11:38 Beer is the nectar of the nitwit. Hey, you knocking beer?
- 11:43 Nobody badmouths Duff.
- 11:47 Piece of crap.
- 11:48 Come on, you're here to make friends. Oh, please.
- 11:51 If I wanted to hear mindless droning, I'd befriend an air conditioner.
- 11:55 Oh, now he's ragging on air conditioners.
- 11:57 Hey, they keep us cool in the summer, pal.
- 11:59 Get him!
- 12:01 And stay out!
- 12:08 Is there a word in Klingon for loneliness?
- 12:12 Oh, yes.
- 12:15 Gardak!
- 12:17 Millhouse, I'm impressed.
- 12:19 The store is so busy, you and Bart are really great businessmen.
- 12:23 Well, I'm really the brains.
- 12:25 Bart's just the eye candy.
- 12:27 Hi, Eric Reynolds, Plan 9 Comics. Is the manager here?
- 12:30 Well, I'm kind of the co-manager.
- 12:36 Tough break, Toots. I need a man who answers to no one.
- 12:41 A full manager.
- 12:45 Hachimachi.
- 12:47 I can help you, sir.
- 12:49 And I answer to no one.
- 12:54 Well, then, you'll want to stock up on our new superhero.
- 12:58 Would you say he's the ultimate superhero?
- 13:01 Oh, very ultimate indeed.
- 13:03 Point your peepers at Biclops.
- 13:07 A superhero with glasses!
- 13:10 Oh, yeah, thick glasses.
- 13:12 Kind of like yours.
- 13:13 So how many you need? 500? 600?
- 13:16 600 sounds good.
- 13:18 Oh, that's too bad.
- 13:19 There's a price break at 1,000.
- 13:21 Oh, man.
- 13:28 I'll take 2,000.
- 13:34 Human contact.
- 13:36 The final frontier.
- 13:40 Out of the way, tubby. Oh, pardon me, oldie hon.
- 13:45 Why, you ill-mannered sack of crap!
- 13:48 Oh, goody. Now I know whatever happened to Baby Jane.
- 13:52 You are the rudest man who ever bought me dinner.
- 13:57 Correction, I do not believe I have ever bought you...
- 14:01 Oh.
- 14:13 So how many issues of Biclops would you like?
- 14:17 Biclops? Who's his girlfriend?
- 14:19 Lois Lame? He's kind of afraid of girls.
- 14:22 It doesn't even smack good.
- 14:25 How could you spend all our money on a comic book published by LensCrafters?
- 14:29 We'll never sell these.
- 14:31 Birds won't even use them in their nests.
- 14:39 Okay, so I made one bad decision.
- 14:42 It's my fault for leaving you in charge.
- 14:45 Sometimes I forget how young you are. I'm only three months younger than you.
- 14:49 Oh, look, you're getting cranky. You haven't had your juice.
- 14:53 Well, my straw broke off in the carton.
- 14:56 That's not the point.
- 14:57 We're supposed to be partners,
- 14:59 and you're pushing me around like a play school corn popper.
- 15:02 It's a vacuum cleaner, Millhouse. Whatever!
- 15:05 I demand respect!
- 15:07 I have feelings!
- 15:09 I'm a human boy, just like you!
- 15:13 Shh!
- 15:14 Use your indoor voice. Okay, that's it!
- 15:35 On guard!
- 15:50 Eat watering can, partner!
- 15:56 Whoa!
- 15:58 Comic Book Guy's secret stash! Look at all these bootleg videos.
- 16:04 Alien autopsy.
- 16:05 Illegal alien autopsy.
- 16:08 Godfather 3, good version.
- 16:10 He's got the tape of Kent Brockman picking his nose.
- 16:14 Look! He's picking his nose!
- 16:26 I'll be right down. I'm just putting on my witch hazel.
- 16:34 So, uh, your mother tells me you go to Springfield Elementary.
- 16:38 Exactly what is your interest in my mother?
- 16:41 She makes me laugh.
- 16:43 Here I come!
- 16:50 Good Lord, Mother, I can see your... figure.
- 16:54 Oh, you see a lot more when you do my daily mole check.
- 16:58 What I do for my allowance money is nobody's business.
- 17:02 He's not nobody.
- 17:04 He might even be your new daddy.
- 17:13 Police informant tape? These are never supposed to leave the station.
- 17:18 I really hate to be a snitch.
- 17:20 Don't worry. Your yellow-bellied ratting will be held in the strictest confidence.
- 17:25 Well, in that case, my neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape in my house.
- 17:30 It's, uh, it's taking over the whole top floor.
- 17:33 It wasn't Dad's fault. The ape tricked him.
- 17:36 What's next?
- 17:38 Mr. Rogers drunk.
- 17:43 Well, what do you mean I can't take off my sweater?
- 17:47 I'm hot! You know, I'll bet kids would pay to see this stuff.
- 17:52 We could have a midnight screening right here in the store.
- 17:56 That's actually a great idea, Milhouse.
- 17:58 Really?
- 17:59 Well, I was due.
- 18:02 I'll say, partner.
- 18:06 So many restaurants.
- 18:08 Oh, I can't decide.
- 18:10 I throw myself on the mercy of the food court.
- 18:14 Um, I guess I'll have the chicken tandoori.
- 18:19 And I'll have the beef wellington.
- 18:29 Oh, look at you two.
- 18:31 You look so cuppily.
- 18:33 Yes, well, we're a perfect match.
- 18:35 Her sneer just lights up my day.
- 18:37 And we're always finishing each other's insults.
- 18:40 And they called it puppy love.
- 18:45 Oh,
- 18:54 that does my heart good.
- 18:55 How a young heart really feels.
- 19:01 And I love her soul.
- 19:07 Sunsets.
- 19:08 Thank God there's only one of these a day.
- 19:11 Could it be any more orange?
- 19:17 I must warn you that once this next tape starts, it will not stop.
- 19:21 Because that button is broken.
- 19:23 Let's watch.
- 19:26 If you are watching this tape, you are the President of the United States.
- 19:30 Hello, sir or ma'am.
- 19:31 Hopefully, sir.
- 19:32 Got that right.
- 19:34 Pass!
- 19:34 The town of Springfield has been classified NWB, or Nuclear Whipping Boy.
- 19:39 In the first moments of a nuclear war,
- 19:41 Springfield will be bombed at will by all friendly nations to calibrate their missiles.
- 19:46 Now, for total security, I will terminate the cameraman.
- 19:51 Thanks a lot, Steve.
- 19:56 All right, this is a raid.
- 20:02 Well, well, well.
- 20:04 This place has got more pirated tapes than, uh...
- 20:08 Uh, Chinese Kmart.
- 20:09 That'll have to do.
- 20:11 Uh, these yours, son?
- 20:12 No, sir. We're just exhibiting them for profit without permission.
- 20:17 Fair enough.
- 20:18 But the owner is in more hot water than...
- 20:21 A Japanese tea bag?
- 20:23 Why don't you lay off the Asians, Lou?
- 20:30 Well, you've changed me, Agnes.
- 20:32 Maybe there is room in my store for romance comics.
- 20:35 Nobody will buy those.
- 20:37 Your store smells.
- 20:38 Now kiss me, funny face.
- 20:43 All right.
- 20:44 Oh, dear God.
- 20:46 Cover your eyes, boys.
- 20:49 It's okay, man.
- 20:51 It doesn't affect you. You're not human.
- 20:53 Uh, comic book guy, you're under arrest for the possession of illegal videos,
- 20:58 but we'll reduce the sentence if you put your pants on.
- 21:00 Fast!
- 21:01 God!
- 21:02 Come on, Romeo.
- 21:06 They can't lock me up for long, Agnes.
- 21:08 Will you wait for me? Are you crazy?
- 21:10 My bones are half dust.
- 21:14 Well, we may not have the store, but at least we're friends again.
- 21:18 Yep.
- 21:19 And we haven't been to school in days and days and days.
- 21:24 Oh, well.
- 21:25 Looks like everything's back to normal.
- 21:31 Look, if you want me to turn, just point.
- 21:35 That's... Ow!
- 21:37 It's one way!
- 21:40 Ow! Now what was that for?
- 21:42 Ow, ow, ow!
- 21:52 Thank you.
- 22:26 Shhh, why you ill-mannered sack of crap!