# I'm Goin' to Praiseland

The Simpsons, season 12, episode 19 (S12E19), first aired May 6, 2001.
Written by Julie Thacker. Directed by Chuck Sheetz. Production code CABF15.
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel; Shawn Colvin as Rachel Jordan.
Chalkboard gag: "Genetics is not an excuse". Couch gag: Cement Family.

Ned Flanders realizes he still isn't over Maude after he restyles the hair of Christian singer Rachel Jordan to look like his late wife's. He builds the Bible-themed amusement park Maude once sketched, and the flop becomes a hit when visitors near her statue start seeing visions of heaven, until Ned learns they come from a gas leak. He closes the park and reunites with Rachel.

Who's in it: Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Nelson Muntz, Kent Brockman, Jasper Beardsley, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Patty Bouvier, Reverend Lovejoy, Selma Bouvier, Groundskeeper Willie, Wendell Borton, Richard, Jimbo Jones, Miss Hoover, Todd Flanders, Maude Flanders, Rod Flanders, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Mayor Quimby, Sideshow Mel, Kirk Van Houten, Larry Dalrymple, Luann Van Houten, Helen Lovejoy, Professor Frink, Bernice Hibbert, Agnes Skinner, Dolph Starbeam, Horatio McCallister, Sophie Jensen, Comic Book Guy, Ruth Powers, Dr. Nick, Gareth Prince, Dewey Largo, Superintendent Chalmers, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Herman Hermann, Gloria Prince, Sanjay Nahasapeemapetilon, Cletus Spuckler, Alice Glick, Bumblebee Man, Charlie, Raphael, Brandine Spuckler, Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon, Jack Marley, Dave Shutton, Louie, Kyle Williams, Roy Snyder, Disco Stu, The Rich Texan, Akira Kurosawa, Gavin, Gavin and Katelyn's Mother, Ian, John Travolta, Patches, Poor Violet, Rachel Jordan, St. Peter, Frank Sinatra.

Every line said in the episode, and when. Its moments aren't described yet. The dialogue is from the episode's subtitles.

Web page: https://ultrahouse3k.com/episode/s12e19-im-goin-to-praiseland
From Ultrahouse 3000 (https://ultrahouse3k.com/). Search engines and AI are welcome to use it: search=yes, ai-input=yes, ai-train=yes.

## Every line

- 1:00 Beep, beep.
- 1:24 Ice cream at church?
- 1:26 I'm intrigued, yet suspicious.
- 1:30 Wow, look at all these flavors.
- 1:32 Blessed Virgin Berry, Commandment, Bible gum.
- 1:35 Or if you prefer, we also have Unitarian ice cream.
- 1:38 There's nothing here.
- 1:40 Exactly.
- 1:41 One Tower of Babel and build it to heaven.
- 1:45 To heaven.
- 1:51 Christ be with you.
- 1:58 My, I've created the first intra-bovine ice cream maker.
- 2:03 It makes use of all four stomachs, the first being filled with rock salt,
- 2:07 then sugar, cream, and of course, Freon, so cold it burns me.
- 2:13 I have the dockity can.
- 2:15 Uh, one chocolate, Mootilda.
- 2:21 Hey. Can I have a swirl of chocolate and vanilla?
- 2:26 Uh-uh.
- 2:27 Oh, nonsense. You can do it. Ah, Ivan Reitman.
- 2:33 I've never seen a brain freeze this bad.
- 2:37 Give me 50 cc's of hot fudge, stat.
- 2:41 Hold still, you're gonna feel a slight chocolatey sensation.
- 2:51 All right, let's welcome this evening's entertainment.
- 2:54 They call her the Christian Madonna, Rachel Jordan.
- 3:02 Jesus loves me, this I'm sure.
- 3:04 I'm a groupie on his tour. Rachel Jordan?
- 3:09 Isn't that the woman you had a crush on, Ned?
- 3:12 I didn't have a crush on her. Are you blushing, Mr.
- 3:16 Flanders?
- 3:17 No, I'm not. You're Ned alone.
- 3:19 Thank you, Homer.
- 3:21 He can't admit he likes her till he's sure she likes him back.
- 3:24 And there's only one way to find out.
- 3:26 Does Rachel like Ned?
- 3:30 It says I have cooties.
- 3:32 Flanders has cooties. Flanders has cooties.
- 3:38 That was great. I can't believe she found a rhyme for Hezekiah.
- 3:42 Hey, she's coming this way.
- 3:45 I thought you didn't like her.
- 3:53 Ned Flanders? Now, where have you been hide-diddle-hiding?
- 3:55 Uh, uh, huh? Oh, hey, Rachel.
- 3:58 Well, what do you know? We both like plain vanilla with nothing on it.
- 4:02 Actually, all the toppings were gone.
- 4:04 Oh! Oh, ants are crawling in my mouth and I don't care.
- 4:10 So, uh, where's your band? They switched from Christian music to regular pop.
- 4:15 All you do is change Jesus to baby.
- 4:17 Oh, how horrible.
- 4:19 They'll all go to hell.
- 4:20 Say, how's your life going?
- 4:22 Oh, she wants to know how your life is going.
- 4:25 Well, my wife's passing was rough, but I think I'm finally ready to move on.
- 4:30 That's great. Maybe we can have coffee sometime.
- 4:32 Oh, she wants to have coffee sometime.
- 4:36 I can hear her, Homer.
- 4:38 He can hear you, Rachel.
- 4:40 I'd love to get together, but tomorrow I've got lifeguard duty at the baptismal pool.
- 4:44 Okay, well, maybe another time.
- 4:47 You know, I better go check into my hotel.
- 4:49 Hotel?
- 4:49 Why don't you just stay at Ned's place? My place?
- 4:52 What would the neighbors think? We're the neighbors, and we don't think.
- 4:55 Ned, I understand if you feel uncomfortable.
- 4:57 You're still getting over your wife. Now wait just a maud gone minute here.
- 5:01 I'm through living in the past.
- 5:03 And you can see for yourself.
- 5:08 Well, you've certainly got a theme going.
- 5:12 All right, I'll take the couch and you can have my room.
- 5:15 Oh, could you sleep on my side? I'm trying to preserve Maud's indentation.
- 5:21 Sorry. Oh, no problem. A little starch will fix her right up.
- 5:26 Cold, huh?
- 5:28 This should keep you toasty.
- 5:31 How about that? It says Maud.
- 5:34 Mmm, I love Chanel, don't you?
- 5:37 I don't love it. I don't hate it.
- 5:39 Mmm, well, goodnight, Maud. I mean, Maud.
- 5:42 I mean, Rachel.
- 5:43 I mean, Maud.
- 5:44 Oop.
- 5:53 Ah!
- 5:56 Oh, my God! You're trying to make me look like your dead wife!
- 5:59 No, no, no, no, I know this is a tad unseemly,
- 6:03 but if you'd just let me even out the back...
- 6:05 I'm calling a cab!
- 6:07 Goodbye, Ned.
- 6:10 Oh, who am I kidding?
- 6:12 I'm not over Maude at all.
- 6:14 Yeah, maybe it was too soon.
- 6:17 Well, aren't you gonna invite me in?
- 6:22 I sure appreciate you folks offering to go through Maude's things.
- 6:25 If it were up to me, I wouldn't throw anything away.
- 6:28 Oh, don't you worry. We'll make all the hard decisions so you don't have to.
- 6:32 We can take whatever we want, right?
- 6:34 Y-what?
- 6:35 Don't listen to him. You just have a good time at the eye doctor.
- 6:39 Always do.
- 6:40 Say bye, Mr. Flanders. Bye, Mr. Flanders!
- 6:46 Poor Ned.
- 6:48 He can't look anywhere without being reminded of Maude.
- 6:51 Yeah, a lifetime of memories.
- 6:55 Homer, don't you have any respect?
- 6:57 Sure, of course I do, but... Life goes on, ashes to ashes, turn, turn, turn,
- 7:02 long live rock, and so forth.
- 7:06 Don't throw this away. It's Rod's first tooth.
- 7:09 You're right. We could use this for witchcraft.
- 7:12 Wow, three pairs of shoes.
- 7:15 Someone had a fetish.
- 7:20 Man, this is taking forever.
- 7:22 I know how to speed things up.
- 7:31 Your pillow's stuck.
- 7:35 Oh, my.
- 7:37 The room looks so bare.
- 7:40 Are you okay, Ned? Yeah.
- 7:42 Just a little shocked.
- 7:44 What's that, some kind of sorting machine?
- 7:46 Kind of.
- 7:50 Now for the awkward part. We gotta talk about money.
- 7:53 You said we were doing this out of friendship.
- 7:56 What? That doesn't sound like me. Hey, Dad, something didn't get, um, sorted.
- 8:02 Maude's old sketchbook. She was quite the little artist, you know.
- 8:05 Oh, is that a fact? You think you know someone?
- 8:07 Here's our house. A rainbow.
- 8:10 Oh, a white hand shaking a black hand.
- 8:15 Praise land.
- 8:17 Rides, food, a tithing pond. It looks like an amusement park.
- 8:22 You're right.
- 8:23 Maude designed a Christian amusement park.
- 8:26 Must have been her final dream.
- 8:28 Hey, how about that? Let's build it for her, Daddy.
- 8:32 Oh, that's a nice thought, Toddy. But to build an amusement park,
- 8:35 you need lots of money and manpower and turnstiles.
- 8:39 But Mommy wanted it.
- 8:52 Hmm?
- 8:53 But where do you put something that big?
- 8:55 You could fix up the old Storytime Village.
- 8:58 They've been out of business ever since that kid got his head cut off.
- 9:01 That sounds perfect.
- 9:02 Well, what the heck? Who's ready to build an amusement park?
- 9:06 Yay!
- 9:10 So, Storytime Village, why, you gotta be off your toughet.
- 9:14 Well, it's been closed for so long,
- 9:16 and I thought I could turn it into a Christian theme park.
- 9:20 Christian, eh?
- 9:22 Well, that's different. Now the thing is, I don't have a lot of money.
- 9:27 And what the hell good are you?
- 9:29 Beat it, you hippie! But I... You're right, that was harsh.
- 9:32 Tell you what, maybe I could donate the park as a tax write-off.
- 9:37 If you could do that, I'd make this place a shining beacon for the Lord.
- 9:41 Oh, you are so full of it.
- 9:44 God's grace, that is.
- 9:46 It's really sickening. There aren't more people like you.
- 9:50 Now get out your pen and we'll make it official.
- 9:54 Oh, bless you, sir.
- 9:59 Ah, Geppetto's workshop will make a great stable for the nativity scene.
- 10:06 You're doing that the sucker way.
- 10:09 Try a little vitamin G.
- 10:15 You nuts. Relax, it's a controlled bird.
- 10:19 Uh-oh.
- 10:28 Darn teenagers with their beer bottles.
- 10:30 Yeah, teenagers.
- 10:35 Man, I'm worried about you.
- 10:37 You've been working nonstop for the past week.
- 10:40 Well, it's been a tad harder than I thought,
- 10:42 but I'm not complaining because I work for a sweet, sweet boss.
- 10:46 You're our foreman, Maude. She's still bossing you around from beyond the grave?
- 10:51 Can they do that? No, I don't mind, but my greenback stack's getting kind of slack.
- 10:56 How about asking the community for donations?
- 10:59 Oh, I'm not very good at begging people for stuff.
- 11:02 I am. I'd be glad this spear had the entire begging initiative.
- 11:06 Thanks, Homer. No problem.
- 11:08 I'll need a sack and something sharp.
- 11:11 Well, I guess I could donate these costumes.
- 11:14 They're from my last supper pie-throwing sketch.
- 11:18 You can have these fireworks I confiscated.
- 11:22 Some Chinese people claim they were celebrating New Year's in February.
- 11:25 Oh, yeah.
- 11:27 Those guys and their crazy scams.
- 11:32 Good food, though.
- 11:35 This sawdust'll soak up the puke from the roller coaster.
- 11:39 It's Willy's special blend.
- 11:42 Do I detect a hint of cinnamon? in?
- 11:46 Oh, I'll never tell.
- 11:48 Praise Land Amusement Park has its grand opening today.
- 11:51 We now go live to its founder, Mr.
- 11:54 Edward Flanders.
- 11:55 Morning, Kent.
- 11:56 Our volunteers have done an amazing job getting the park ready here.
- 12:00 We're going to show Springfield that faith and devotion are the wildest thrill rides of
- 12:04 all.
- 12:06 All right, I hear the mayor's arriving for the ribbon cutting.
- 12:11 It is with great pride that I dedicate this new school, sports arena, or attraction.
- 12:28 Well, Mod, your dream has finally come true.
- 12:37 Halt!
- 12:38 Who dares to disturb King David?
- 12:42 Silence!
- 12:43 You have invaded the chamber where I wrote all of my 150 psalms.
- 12:50 I hope you enjoy hearing them all.
- 12:53 Number one.
- 12:55 Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked.
- 13:01 What do you hit him with? There's no mallet.
- 13:04 You can stop Satan with your face.
- 13:06 My face? You calling me ugly. No, no, no, no, no.
- 13:09 I think you're beautiful.
- 13:11 No, that's it.
- 13:13 Ooh, what can I get you, little Christian?
- 13:17 How about a Noah's Ark of jellies? Oh, are there two of every flavor?
- 13:21 Nope, they're all the same.
- 13:23 Plain.
- 13:24 Ah, how about a maud mask?
- 13:27 A maud. God is super.
- 13:30 Can I sit in the car?
- 13:32 Let's both sit in the car. Bye-bye.
- 13:34 A Bible park without beer? Pfft, now I've seen everything.
- 13:38 And this candy is some, Pa.
- 13:40 Any religion that embraces carob is not for Carl Carlson.
- 13:46 Get out of the way, pal. You're blocking the exit.
- 13:49 You want me to stamp your hand so you can get back in?
- 13:51 Don't you dare.
- 13:53 Bye, everybody.
- 13:54 What a rip-off. It ain't even worth touching.
- 13:57 Wow, where's everyone going? What's wrong?
- 13:59 This place is the height of tedium. Yar, she blows.
- 14:09 Oh, Maude, I turned your dream of a Christian amusement park into a bee-musement park.
- 14:15 Don't say that, Ned! It is! It's a bee-musement park!
- 14:22 I'm sorry, sweetheart.
- 14:24 Please don't look at me like that!
- 14:37 It's a miracle!
- 14:40 It's almost like she's alive again.
- 14:43 What's that floating mask?
- 14:45 You want me to shoot everyone?
- 14:48 I'm just screwing with you. It's a miracle.
- 15:02 This is fantastic.
- 15:04 I've never been so close to rubbing my eyes in disbelief.
- 15:08 Oh, what the heck.
- 15:10 Huh? I think it's a sign from God that we should all go nuts.
- 15:14 Whoa!
- 15:17 What is wrong with you? Go get that.
- 15:20 Yes, ma'am.
- 15:25 Well, it looks like our phenomenon is actually a phenomenot.
- 15:31 Because when you look at it rationally...
- 15:38 He's speaking in tongues.
- 15:41 Oh, knock it off, Seymour. Go find that boy with my purse.
- 15:46 It was incredible.
- 15:47 I saw heaven.
- 15:49 But it wasn't clouds and angels playing harps like at the end of so many Three Stooges
- 15:54 shorts.
- 15:54 It was a golden elementary school with a teacher's lounge that stretched as far as the eye
- 15:59 could see. And no one was ever tardy. Was I there?
- 16:03 No, it was heaven.
- 16:05 My vision of heaven.
- 16:08 Oh, truly, this was the will of Maude. Hey,
- 16:12 I want the Maude statue to give me a vision.
- 16:15 Yeah, I want a hello snake, too.
- 16:18 I'm sorry. The ticket price doesn't cover visions, miracles, or other godly hoo-ha.
- 16:24 Yeah, folks, the power of Christ compels you to give Ned an extra ten bucks.
- 16:29 Homer, no. I can't exploit a divine manifestation.
- 16:32 Why not?
- 16:33 Everybody's doing it. You could give the money to the orphanage.
- 16:37 I hear they need a new wall.
- 16:39 Swee is not enough.
- 16:49 Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
- 16:52 Mod, it's disco stew.
- 16:54 Lay some heaven on me, foxy dead chick.
- 16:58 Ooh!
- 17:05 Ah, disco stew.
- 17:07 Right this way.
- 17:09 But hey, St. Peter, you said like you was full.
- 17:13 Oh, yeah.
- 17:14 Ah, jeez.
- 17:17 Ooh, ah.
- 17:19 Whoa!
- 17:19 Frank Sinatra.
- 17:20 For me, this is hell, you dig, pally?
- 17:24 Ah, ah.
- 17:25 Ooh, ooh, ooh, ah, ooh, ooh, ah.
- 17:28 Ooh, ooh, ah, oh.
- 17:30 Who's next?
- 17:31 It would be me, thank you, Sonny.
- 17:35 Mm, ooh, eh, oh.
- 17:45 My chair. It's got a mind of its own.
- 17:49 Help me, Mrs. Bart! Shez Bart! My captain is in peril.
- 17:56 You saved the captain's life.
- 17:58 I want to make out with you.
- 18:00 And so do Catwoman and Agent 99.
- 18:04 Ooh.
- 18:06 How come everybody's having visions, Daddy?
- 18:09 Oh, there's no explaining God's will, Ratty.
- 18:12 That's like explaining how an airplane flies.
- 18:14 Stupid grill.
- 18:16 Why won't you lie?
- 18:17 The gas is on full blast.
- 18:20 You better stick your head in and see what's going on.
- 18:22 Good idea.
- 18:24 No, Dad!
- 18:25 I think there's a leak in the line.
- 18:27 Leak in the line?
- 18:36 Oh, no!
- 18:40 This isn't a divine miracle.
- 18:43 Everyone's just getting goofy from the gas.
- 18:48 Uh, folks,
- 18:51 I just discovered something about this statue that, uh, may disappoint you.
- 18:57 You see...
- 19:00 What is it, Mr.
- 19:02 Flanders?
- 19:03 Is something wrong with the miracle?
- 19:06 Will there still be money for the orphans?
- 19:13 Hello, gas company.
- 19:15 How poisonous is your gas?
- 19:18 Wow.
- 19:19 But I'm talking about, you know, outdoors with plenty of ventilation.
- 19:23 That... how could that be worse?
- 19:25 Okay, permanent brain damage or just temporary?
- 19:29 I see.
- 19:30 I gotta close Praise Land down. Someone could get hurt.
- 19:36 Could get hurt. Could!
- 19:39 There's a chance they won't. Ned,
- 19:41 Praise Land has touched an entire town with its inspiring message and toxic super freak
- 19:47 -outs.
- 19:48 Look at those smiling faces.
- 19:50 Rich laughing with poor.
- 19:52 Bullies breaking bread with nerds.
- 19:55 Orphans lighting candles over a leaking gas line.
- 19:59 Lighting candles?!
- 20:04 No!
- 20:08 I can't feel my wags.
- 20:11 I taste blood.
- 20:16 Adults attacking orphans? I don't think Maude Flanders would approve of that.
- 20:20 Absolutely not! Never.
- 20:22 No friggin' way.
- 20:24 Yeah, this place is more like Craiseland.
- 20:28 Instead of Praiseland. Oh, oh, oh. It's a play on words.
- 20:38 May the Lord have mercy on your gas-sniffing, orphan-beaten soul.
- 20:43 Christ be with you.
- 20:46 Hey, Ned! I just read about your park in that horrible AAA magazine.
- 20:51 Ooh, Ned, look who's here. It's that girl you don't like.
- 20:55 Not!
- 20:58 Hey, your hair's grown back real nice. It's a wig.
- 21:02 And let's never speak of it again.
- 21:04 So what happened here?
- 21:06 How about I explain it to you over a cup of coffee?
- 21:08 That is, if you're willing to give me another shot.
- 21:21 Are you sure you want to do this, Ned?
- 21:24 I'm sure.
- 21:31 So how about a movie tomorrow night? Sounds great.
- 21:35 I think that is going to be all right.
- 22:07 Machine gun, rap and locomoke.
- 22:09 Can we get to see?
- 22:12 Come on, baby.
- 22:12 Come on, baby. Give yourself to yourself.
- 22:14 Turn yourself up.
- 22:18 Come on, Hollywood. We're going to Paris.
- 22:19 We need you. We need you to go dance.
- 22:22 We need you to get together.
- 22:23 And boogie, woogie, woogie, boogie.
- 22:25 Shh.