Children of a Lesser Clod

The Simpsons, season 12, episode 20. First aired May 13, 2001. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← I'm Goin' to Praiseland Simpsons Tall Tales → The whole episode as text

From “Children of a Lesser Clod”: “Oh my goodness, an untied shoelace.” — Oh my goodness, an untied shoelace.

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About the episode

Stuck at home after a basketball injury at the YMCA, Homer babysits Rod and Todd Flanders and goes on to run a popular daycare out of the house, earning a Good Guy Award nomination. Neglected, Bart and Lisa splice footage of his worst moments into a documentary shown at the ceremony, turning the parents against him, until Homer apologizes and vows to care for his own kids.

Written by: Al Jean
Directed by: Mike Frank Polcino
Chalkboard gag: Today is not Mothra's Day
Couch gag: Crash Dummies
Production code: CABF16

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

367 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 The Simpsons
0:35 Oh,
0:53 my God.
1:24 Welcome to the Springfield YMCA. Tonight you can sample all of our classes for free.
1:30 And if you find one you like, you can pay the membership fee and enroll.
1:37 I know, we'll never see any of you again.
1:43 Eli-oop.
1:45 Three to one.
1:47 Oh, this is a high-scoring affair.
1:50 Yeah, well, it's your turn to get the ball out of the peach basket.
1:53 Get your ball out of your peach basket one of these days.
1:57 Welcome to gymnastics.
1:58 I am Coach Lugash.
2:00 I came to this country in 83 by cartwheeling over Berlin Wall.
2:07 More giggling!
2:08 It weakens the haunches.
2:10 What a little angel. How old are you?
2:14 Eight.
2:14 Eight, too old!
2:16 Go home, Grandma!
2:18 I am sorry, little girl.
2:20 Lugash must go next door to anger management class.
2:24 worthless anger management class.
2:27 I hate it so much, I spit on it.
2:33 Yo, boy, this class is tight.
2:36 You go from slipper to proper.
2:38 Cool.
2:41 Welcome to my etiquette class. The proper young man.
2:45 But the black man said... Are you accusing my husband of misleading you?
2:49 Good gracious, I should bust a cap in your ass.
2:52 Mmm, I'll pick, uh, Carl.
2:55 Let it call.
2:57 I kinda like the sound of that.
2:58 My turn, huh?
3:00 Let's see.
3:01 Pick me, pick me! I got hoop dreams, coach!
3:04 I got them bad!
3:05 Okay, Homer.
3:06 Yes!
3:07 Losers!
3:10 Losers! Losers! You said Homer, right? Mm-hmm.
3:13 Losers!
3:14 I'll take Professor Frank. Ah, you won't regret it, my good man.
3:18 What with the passing and the dribbling and my shoes made of the flubber, and away I go!
3:24 It's frightening!
3:25 Oh, that was painful.
3:27 Oh, the flubber is burning, my feet.
3:29 Now, before we begin,
3:30 fitness buff Rainier Wolf Castle would like to say a few words about the Springfield YMCA.
3:36 Oh, hello.
3:40 I have purchased the Springfield YMCA.
3:43 I plan to tear it down and turn the land into a nature preserve where I will hunt the
3:48 deadliest game of all, Man.
3:51 Now let's play ball.
3:53 Well, Lenny is taking off.
3:56 Ow! That's a foul.
3:59 I am taking a ball and going home.
4:02 Hey, hey, that's not your ball.
4:05 The chase begins.
4:10 Whoo!
4:11 You the man, Carl. I believe you can fly.
4:15 Boy,
4:16 I am so sick of everyone assuming I'm good at basketball because I'm African-American.
4:24 Go, Carl. Go, Carl.
4:26 It's my birthday.
4:29 Three-peat. You got mail, baby.
4:37 Will it tickles the twang for two?
4:40 Oy, oy.
4:42 Okay, guys, I got a secret play I've been saving for the Olympics,
4:46 or possibly the Final Four. And it goes something like this.
4:50 Hi, Skinner, I want you to block out how.
4:53 Mo, you take Professor Prink. Homer, you take Groundskeeper Willie.
4:57 No way am I taking Groundskeeper Willie.
4:59 Yes, you are. Are you a team player or not?
5:03 Oh my goodness, an untied shoelace.
5:06 I'll just get down on one knee and retie that.
5:11 Eat my dust, mortals!
5:15 I'm okay.
5:17 Oww!
5:23 Homer, I'm afraid you've torn out your anterior cruciate ligament.
5:27 Did you say anterior?
5:30 Yes.
5:31 Oww!
5:33 Now, how did this happen?
5:34 Maybe a little morphine would refresh my memory.
5:41 I don't know. I'm still a little hazy.
5:45 Oh, yeah.
5:47 Now I remember it like it was yesterday.
5:50 It happened today.
5:52 Hey, man, you're harshing my buzz.
5:55 Anyway, it all started when I was...
6:03 You go, Homer.
6:10 Ow!
6:11 Chatson?
6:13 We've got to get you into surgery.
6:15 Maybe a little morphine would get me there quicker.
6:24 So many times we've seen our father go under the knife.
6:27 One more and I get a free hysterectomy.
6:33 Now, Homer, you'll have a full range of things.
6:35 recovery from your spinal cord injury. What spinal cord injury?
6:38 Oh, he fell off the gurney.
6:40 But it will take plenty of time and rehab before you can go back to work.
6:44 Miss work, but my life would be nothing without the nucleon plant.
6:48 Oh, you're also responsible for this hefty hospital bill.
6:51 You shouldn't have ordered all those hospital haircuts and porno films.
6:55 But Dr. Screwlittle sounded like a delightful romp.
6:58 Why, you don't have to worry about the bill.
7:00 We've never welched on a... Look, a bear!
7:03 Run!
7:06 Oh!
7:12 Now,
7:16 Homer, I want you to stay off that leg for two weeks.
7:19 Two weeks?
7:20 What am I supposed to do? Just sit on my ass and watch TV?
7:25 That ain't my style, man. Now, Homer,
7:27 there are people right through that door that have it much worse than you.
7:31 No, they don't.
7:35 Mmm, everyone's having fun but me.
7:39 Boy-gee, boy-gee, boy-gee, boy-gee, boy-gee.
7:42 Mrs. Simpson, can Homer come out and play?
7:45 Homer won't be able to play for a long time.
7:49 Could you make me some jello?
7:51 You show, Barney Gumbel.
7:55 Well, I can still hang out with you guys.
7:57 Sorry, I got a baseball game in 15 minutes.
8:00 And I've got a rally for Take Back the Afternoon.
8:02 Ha, ha, ha.
8:04 So the tables have turned.
8:06 Now you're the shut-in, and I'm the hip young dude.
8:11 There goes my wagging finger.
8:13 I'm so bored.
8:16 Oh, come on. There's lots of ways to pass the time.
8:19 Hitch up your pants.
8:20 Air Whittle.
8:22 Dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee. Make friends with a Chinese man.
8:27 Uh, Mr. Simpson, you weren't supposed to leave the home.
8:29 Thank you, Ping Pong. My name is Craig. Sure it is.
8:36 This place is so boring. I gotta do something to keep from going crazy.
8:41 I know.
8:42 I'll breed the pets to each other.
8:51 Soon,
8:52 I will have a miracle hybrid with the loyalty of a cat and the cleanliness of a dog.
9:06 No, that's not how you do it.
9:09 Quitters!
9:11 Hey, Homer.
9:12 Oh, it feels so good to talk to another human being.
9:17 Stupid Flanders.
9:18 Hey, Homer, I need to ask you a favor.
9:20 My babysitter canceled and I got tickets to a Christian rock concert.
9:25 It's gonna be one wholesome evening. So,
9:27 you think Marge could take care of Rowdy Roddy and Typhoon Todd?
9:31 Well, Marge isn't here.
9:33 She had to identify a body at the morgue.
9:38 That's not my Uncle Lou.
9:40 And this man's not dead.
9:42 That's what I've been trying to tell you.
9:45 That's just gas escaping.
9:48 Would you mind watching the kids? I'm kind of in a pickle here.
9:51 Well, they would keep me company.
9:53 And this pickle you're offering only sweetens the deal.
10:02 Mr. Simpson, can we have another jelly and candy sandwich?
10:07 Sure, knock yourselves out and call me Homer.
10:10 Daddy said it's rude to call grown-ups by their first name.
10:14 Daddy's not here, is he?
10:21 Now, my good man, what do you like to play?
10:25 Pokemon.
10:27 Pokemon with the pokey and the man in the thing where the guy comes out in the thing
10:33 and he makes a fall out of the fire.
10:36 Ha ha ha ha.
10:39 Darned it, Jake.
10:40 So, did you boys have a good time? Yeah, Mr.
10:43 Simpson was really funny. He told us how the world keeps screwing him over.
10:49 Yeah, well, how was the concert? Well, sir,
10:52 I never heard a preacher use the MF word so many times.
10:55 Anyway, thanks again.
10:57 Hey, it was fun. My kids are sick of all my stories.
11:01 But they just can't get enough of me. Can Mr.
11:04 Simpson watch us every day?
11:06 Oh, Roddy, he's not running a daycare center.
11:09 Don't tell me what I'm not doing.
11:11 So you are running a daycare center?
11:13 Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Well, I sure would.
11:16 He would give the boys a place to go after school.
11:18 Then I'll do it, just to see the look on your face.
11:23 That's the one.
11:28 Why did you put my name on the sign? It's just a legal thing, to protect me.
11:34 Is your knee really gross under there? See for yourself.
11:38 Eww.
11:40 Can I touch it? Sure, go for the gusto.
11:44 It's healing over my hand.
11:49 It knows you're afraid.
11:53 Hello? I would like to take advantage of your baby prison.
11:56 We're calling it daycare. Yes, whatever.
11:59 Just take them.
12:00 Aw, aren't they sweet.
12:02 Any medical things I should know about? Yes, probably.
12:08 Why, Homer, your surgical incision is completely healed.
12:12 I owe it all to my rewarding work with children.
12:15 And not picking at it. Ah yes, how is your daycare center doing?
12:19 Wonderful!
12:20 Being with those kids gives me a high only morphine can top.
12:23 You got any?
12:26 Always with the morphine.
12:28 He he he he.
12:29 Hmm.
12:32 Peek-a-boo!
12:33 Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo!
12:34 Peek-a-boo!
12:36 Dad's been doing that for two hours.
12:38 I've never seen the baby get tired of it before the adult.
12:43 Peek-a-boo! Uncle Homer, will you sing that crazy song we love?
12:50 Okay.
12:51 Is that all there is?
12:58 If that's all there is, my friend,
13:02 then let's keep dancing.
13:06 Remember the last time Dad sang us a torch song?
13:10 Yeah.
13:11 Hey, Homer,
13:12 I thought you were only going to do this daycare thing until your knee was better.
13:15 Yes, but then I discovered the joys of raising children.
13:19 What about us? Don't worry, honey. You'll have children of your own someday.
13:24 Then you'll know my joy.
13:31 Hey, Bart, your dad gave me this temp tattoo.
13:34 It's so cool.
13:41 You have the bestest dad. He read me a story about Chinese food.
13:46 You haven't seen the real Homer. It's all burping and neglect.
13:49 I think we know your dad a little bit better than you do, Bart.
13:53 Is that my jacket?
13:55 He said it looked better on me. Hmm.
14:00 If you're happy and you know it, say you swear.
14:03 Boobs!
14:04 Heiney! Mitten!
14:09 They're always laughing.
14:11 Laughing at nothing.
14:12 How come parents are always nicer to other kids than they are to their own?
14:16 I guess Dad just takes this for granted.
14:19 Well, don't worry.
14:20 This'll give his heartstrings a much-needed plucking.
14:29 Oh?
14:31 Oh, what a beautiful frame.
14:34 Perfect for my daycare permit.
14:37 Sweet.
14:44 Hang on, everybody!
14:46 Three, two, one, let's go!
14:52 That was treemendous!
14:56 Where's Ralph?
14:57 I almost died!
15:00 Homer, this man is from the Good Guy Awards.
15:03 We honor people who make life better for the community, like you with your daycare center.
15:08 I contributed by not objecting too much.
15:10 Aw, that's my girl. Anyway,
15:12 this film crew will shoot some behind-the-scenes footage of your amazing work.
15:16 Is there a snack table? It's already set up.
15:21 Don't film this.
15:27 Ah, excuse me, this is a hot set, no visitors.
15:30 It's my room.
15:31 Well, if you want, you can sit on this.
15:35 Teamsters are sleeping in my room. We're just resting our eyes.
15:39 The thing is, there are no bad kids.
15:42 Ow! You stepped on my arm!
15:44 Sorry. Daddy thought you were a pilot cable.
15:47 Tell me about the Homer Cares program.
15:49 My kids wear these hearts to remind them they are always loved.
15:53 Aw.
15:54 Did you make them yourself?
15:56 Yes, through the magic of caring.
15:59 Night will come soon. There's got to be a way to get back at Dad.
16:03 Well, I've been cutting the felt kind of crooked.
16:06 No, we've got to show the world what Dad's really like.
16:10 Then everything will be back to normal.
16:14 Back to normal.
16:23 I'm a nice guy, I'm a hell of a guy, and tonight we honor you.
16:29 Stop the music!
16:30 Stop it!
16:31 One more line and we have to pay for the song.
16:34 Now, is anyone here from Springfield?
16:37 You know we are.
16:39 Tough crowd.
16:42 So, what's in the news?
16:44 Oh, right, the bus disaster.
16:47 Very sad.
16:49 Now, our first award is for Biggest People Pleaser.
16:53 You can walk all over these doormats.
16:56 And the nominees are...
16:59 Ned Flanders, Principal Seymour Skinner, and Mother Teresa Jr.
17:05 And the winner is... Principal Skinner!
17:14 Now, I'm told there's a glitch in our internet webcast.
17:18 So all of you out there,
17:19 type control backslash semicolon alt dot escape and you'll be fine.
17:26 Ah, perfect.
17:28 Okay, okay, okay, okay.
17:31 We'd like to thank our sponsor, Hanson's HypnoCoins.
17:36 If you can find a sturdier HypnoCoin, you buy it.
17:40 Now,
17:40 every year we find one good Samaritan so deserving that not recognizing him would make
17:46 Santa Claus himself vomit with rage.
17:50 Who writes this stuff?
17:58 This year's winner of the saint who walks among us award.
18:01 Please let me win this Lord, cause if you don't...
18:05 Homer Simpson!
18:07 Yes!
18:09 All my love has come back in trophy form.
18:12 Now let's take a look at Homer's wonderful work.
18:16 It looks like any other home in America, but this is the house that love built.
18:32 His scabby red knee became an infectious beacon of hope.
18:36 Aww.
18:40 I guess you could sum up Homer in two words.
18:43 Big phony!
18:45 This is the real Homer Simpson, a beer-drinking meanie.
18:51 Uh, I, uh... Huh?
18:53 And he gambles like crazy.
18:57 I'll call.
18:59 Three nines. Oh, I almost had a straight.
19:02 Come to new papa.
19:05 Hey, what's the deal?
19:07 We just spliced in some home movies.
19:10 What do you think?
19:11 Well, I'd rather reserve judgment until I...
19:14 Oh, my God!
19:15 I'll make you good!
19:19 That is completely taken out of context.
19:22 You little...
19:27 Our children aren't sick with that monster.
19:29 Keep away from him, Milhouse. You too, Ralphie.
19:32 You're out of that daycare center.
19:34 My polite indignation knows no bounds.
19:38 No.
19:39 No. No one is taking my kids from me.
19:43 Run, children, run! Come back here with my youngin'.
19:49 The term soccer mom is thrown around all too often these days.
19:54 But the nominees in our next category...
19:58 Where are we going?
20:00 For frosty chocolate milkshakes.
20:03 Frosty chocolate milkshakes!
20:09 An award ceremony erupted in kidnapping tonight as alleged good guy Homer Simpson
20:14 absconded with several children in a stolen paddy wagon.
20:17 Now let's go to Arnie Pie in the sky.
20:20 I can see them right below me. I'm going to try to nail the driver with one of my shoes.
20:24 Arnie, please leave this to the police.
20:27 I'm sick of being a reporter. I want to make the news.
20:29 Arnie, this is not the time. You're not the time, Kent.
20:32 You're not the time.
20:35 Where are we going, Mr. Simpson?
20:37 I'll tell you where we're not going.
20:40 Jail.
20:40 Then you better turn.
20:42 Uh-oh.
20:47 He's jumping out of the car, Kent.
20:50 He's trying to climb over the fence.
20:52 Now he's realizing he's too fat. He's digging a hole like a dog.
20:56 Now he's giving up on that and he's running back and forth.
21:00 He's climbing into a pipe and he seems to be stuck.
21:03 His legs are dangling in a comical fashion.
21:06 Oh, it's the saddest thing I've ever seen.
21:09 Arnie, Arnie, how are the children?
21:10 I can't see through metal, Kent.
21:14 All right, Matty, out of the pipe.
21:18 Why did you rat me out, kids?
21:20 Was it because I showered love on those other children while ignoring you?
21:25 Yep, pretty much.
21:26 Well, I learned my lesson. From now on, you two are the only kids I'll care about.
21:31 Oh, and Maggie. Now let's all enjoy the snack table while we still have it.
21:35 The Teamsters said they'd pick it up by five.
21:38 Yeah, that'll happen.
21:42 Teamsters.
22:26 Shhh. Pokemon with the bokeh and the man in the thing when the guy comes out.
22:31 Ha ha ha ha!

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