# Simpsons Tall Tales

The Simpsons, season 12, episode 21 (S12E21), first aired May 20, 2001.
Written by John Frink and Don Payne; Bob Bendetson; Matt Selman. Directed by Bob Anderson. Production code CABF17.
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel; Frank Welker as Babe the Blue Ox.
Chalkboard gag: "I should not be twenty-one by now". Couch gag: Evergreen Terrace Subway.

Unwilling to cover a $5 airport fee on a prize trip to Delaware, Homer has the family hop a freight train, where a singing hobo spins three stories. Homer plays a giant Paul Bunyan, Lisa is Connie Appleseed, urging buffalo-hunting settlers to switch to apples, and Bart and Nelson, as Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn, flee town when Huck faces being made to marry Becky Thatcher (Lisa).

Who's in it: Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Nelson Muntz, Jasper Beardsley, Reverend Lovejoy, Groundskeeper Willie, Lou, Eddie, Miss Hoover, Todd Flanders, Rod Flanders, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Mayor Quimby, Sideshow Mel, Larry Dalrymple, Hans Moleman, Helen Lovejoy, Sam, Professor Frink, Bernice Hibbert, Agnes Skinner, Horatio McCallister, Fat Tony, Gil Gunderson, Mona Simpson, Binky, Dr. Hibbert's Second Son, JJ Hibbert, Julius Hibbert's Second Daughter, Rodan, Babe the Blue Ox, The Singing Hobo.

Every line said in the episode, and when. Its moments aren't described yet. The dialogue is from the episode's subtitles.

Web page: https://ultrahouse3k.com/episode/s12e21-simpsons-tall-tales
From Ultrahouse 3000 (https://ultrahouse3k.com/). Search engines and AI are welcome to use it: search=yes, ai-input=yes, ai-train=yes.

## Every line

- 1:24 That's what I'm doing.
- 1:30 I can't believe it. We won another contest.
- 1:33 The Simpsons are going to Delaware.
- 1:36 I want to see Wilmington.
- 1:38 I want to visit a screen door factory.
- 1:40 Yep, Delaware's got it all.
- 1:43 You're next, Mr. Simpson.
- 1:46 Hey, wait a minute.
- 1:47 Airport tax, $5.
- 1:49 Sir, it's a standard fee. Well, we are not boarding that plane unless you waive that tax.
- 1:55 Waive it.
- 1:58 Stupid anti-fist shaking laws.
- 2:05 The Simpsons are riding the rails.
- 2:09 Cool, a dead hobo.
- 2:14 Morning, folks.
- 2:15 What are you going to do to us? Don't worry, I'm not a stabbing hobo, I'm a singing hobo.
- 2:22 Nothing beats the hobo life.
- 2:25 Stabbing folks with my hobo knife I gouged
- 2:30 the... Excuse me, hobo, can you play something a little less unnerving?
- 2:36 Sure, I was just having a little fun with you nobos.
- 2:40 Here's a ballad that'll set fire to your trash can.
- 2:46 Won't you listen to my tale that's ten stories tall About a king-sized woodsman named a
- 2:51 bunion comma pall?
- 2:56 Congratulations, Mr. Bunyan. It's a boy.
- 3:01 Jesus, I'm crow.
- 3:03 How was it, honey?
- 3:05 Whiskey, please.
- 3:07 Me, hunky.
- 3:12 Born Matty Big, he continued to expand,
- 3:15 thanks to a hopped up a two-a-terried gland.
- 3:27 His body grew big, but his brain stayed small.
- 3:31 He was tree-chopping, friend-stomping, house-crushing Paul.
- 3:37 Me, hungy. Time to make Paul's breakfast.
- 3:43 Hey, Paul, flapjacks!
- 3:49 Flapjacks!
- 3:54 Oh, Frank, then.
- 3:58 Yuck.
- 3:59 All right, let's get started on lunch.
- 4:02 And, uh... Wait, where's Lenny? Hello?
- 4:05 Can anybody hear me?
- 4:08 I think I found a way out.
- 4:10 It's not pretty, but it'll do.
- 4:15 All right, look, we gotta do something about Bunyan.
- 4:19 We're going bankrupt just feeding and clothing the guy, not to mention the crushings.
- 4:23 Oh, yeah.
- 4:24 Hey, I say we get him drunk and drag him out of town.
- 4:28 Same way we got rid of Laura Ingalls Wilder.
- 4:31 Yeah, that's a great idea.
- 4:32 That's a great idea.
- 4:34 Uh,
- 4:38 hey, Paulie, what say we buy you a beer?
- 4:46 Uh, you guys are the greatest friends a giant doofus could have.
- 4:58 Good Lord, brought down by one beer. And a couple of these babies.
- 5:03 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the barn dance.
- 5:10 Watch this, hud.
- 5:13 Uh, uh... Where am I?
- 5:17 Oh, they don't want me anymore.
- 5:24 Paul was just as lonely as a man could get,
- 5:27 so he took out his axe and he carved himself a pit.
- 5:32 Oh,
- 5:36 boy.
- 5:37 I wish you were real.
- 5:50 Hey, what the...
- 5:52 Oh, it's a miracle!
- 5:55 I'll call you babe.
- 5:57 You'll be my best friend.
- 5:59 So Paul and his blue ox babe traveled all across this great land, leaving their mark.
- 6:17 Ah!
- 6:27 Excuse me. Paul Bunyan never fought Rodan.
- 6:30 And his size seems to be really inconsistent.
- 6:33 I mean, one minute he's ten feet tall, the next his feet are as big as a lake.
- 6:38 Hey, hey, hey!
- 6:39 Who's the hobo here? I'm just saying.
- 6:44 Now, Paul and Babe were a mighty fine match.
- 6:48 But the man had an itch that an ox couldn't scratch.
- 6:53 Huh?
- 6:55 She's pretty.
- 6:57 Oh, what a handsome man.
- 7:12 Hey, hey!
- 7:16 Gotcha!
- 7:18 Don't worry. I won't smush you.
- 7:21 You're cute.
- 7:24 Oh, thank you.
- 7:26 Hey, what are you doing?
- 7:28 I just want to spruce up for our date.
- 7:31 Oh.
- 7:33 Woo-hoo!
- 7:55 Oh!
- 8:00 We've been together a long time now.
- 8:03 When are we gonna, you know... So,
- 8:07 I just need a few more yoga classes.
- 8:10 Oh, look, a shooting star.
- 8:14 Hi,
- 8:15 that meteor's headed straight for us with the fire and the impact and the 100% chance of
- 8:20 pain!
- 8:21 Pain in the gliving!
- 8:22 God has sent this fiery kill rock to show us his love.
- 8:27 No!
- 8:27 We're gonna die!
- 8:30 There's only one man who can save us.
- 8:33 Oh, I get it. When I'm crushing and killing you, you don't like me.
- 8:37 But when I can save your life, suddenly I'm Mr.
- 8:40 Popular.
- 8:41 Yeah, that's pretty much it. Woohoo! I'm Mr.
- 8:44 Popular!
- 8:52 Come on, right across the plate.
- 8:55 Let's see what you got, huh?
- 8:56 This one's for the little crippled boy that I crippled.
- 9:00 You can do it, Paul!
- 9:02 Give me a kiss for luck.
- 9:05 Ow!
- 9:07 Oh, boy, that's a...
- 9:09 Oh, dumb one!
- 9:20 And that's how Paul Bunyan started the Great Chicago Fire.
- 9:25 Boy, that story had everything.
- 9:27 A giant, house-crushing, a meteor.
- 9:30 Townspeople. Got any more tall tales?
- 9:33 Well, I suppose I could spin you a few more yarns.
- 9:36 But first, who wants to give me a sponge bath?
- 9:39 I'm filthy.
- 9:42 All right, but your next story better be worth it.
- 9:48 Yeah, get in there good.
- 9:51 Yeah, that's it. Don't be shy.
- 9:53 There you go.
- 9:59 Okay, ready for another impression?
- 10:01 This is Southside Jake tearing into 10K and Tilly.
- 10:05 Oh, this'll be good. Who put the beans in my bindle?
- 10:10 Oh, I am so tired. Are you saying that I put beans in your bindo?
- 10:14 It just makes me so... Do you ever shut up?
- 10:18 Kiss me, you fool!
- 10:25 Uh, could we hear another tall tale?
- 10:28 In a sec.
- 10:33 All righty. Here's a story just for you, little girl.
- 10:37 It's the tale of Johnny... No, Connie Appleseed.
- 10:41 Oh.
- 10:44 Back around 1840,
- 10:46 the great pie known as America was still cooling on the windowsill,
- 10:51 and everybody headed west for a slice. Cleaning my gun with a safety off,
- 10:57 safety off, safety off. Cleaning my gun with a...
- 11:01 Whoopsie.
- 11:03 Dad, you just killed a poor defenseless buffalo.
- 11:06 A poor delicious buffalo. He'll be dinner for the whole wagon train.
- 11:13 Why'd you kill another one? Dessert.
- 11:22 Oh, hey, I found a bullet.
- 11:28 Man, buffalo are easy to kill. People, if you don't stop this slaughter,
- 11:33 you'll wipe out the buffalo.
- 11:34 Wipe out an entire species?
- 11:36 Well, that's impossible.
- 11:40 Ha, ha, ha!
- 11:41 Thank you.
- 11:49 Why is it we have ladders that can put a man on the roof,
- 11:53 but we can't find a renewable source of food?
- 11:56 Think, Connie, think.
- 11:59 Connie... Huh?
- 12:03 Connie... That tree!
- 12:05 It seems to be calling to me.
- 12:11 Of course!
- 12:13 Apples!
- 12:15 No, Connie, over here. Help me!
- 12:20 Mom, Dad, look what I found!
- 12:23 Oh, boy!
- 12:24 Buffalo testicles!
- 12:27 Oh, Dad, they're apples.
- 12:31 Yuck!
- 12:33 Well, that's it. I don't want anything to do with this wagon train of death.
- 12:37 Either switch to apples or go on without me.
- 12:40 Hmph.
- 12:45 You'll be sorry!
- 12:50 Oh.
- 12:54 So Connie roamed the prairie alone, planting apple seeds all along the way.
- 13:00 She even changed her last name to Apple Seeds.
- 13:03 And her family changed theirs to Buffel Kill.
- 13:20 I haven't had buffalo in six hours.
- 13:23 Marge, how about whipping up some buffalo sausage, huevos bufalaros,
- 13:27 and some fresh squeezed buffalo jay? The buffalo are gone.
- 13:31 I think you shot them all.
- 13:35 Oh, Connie was right.
- 13:38 We wiped out the entire species.
- 13:41 What have I done?
- 13:45 Calm down, Paul.
- 13:47 There's two left.
- 13:51 What have I done?
- 13:56 With the buffalo gone, the starving settlers were driven to cannibalism.
- 14:02 You're the fattest, Buffle Kill.
- 14:05 Okay, everybody, dig in.
- 14:09 Yeah, I've got apples.
- 14:12 Delicious, nutritious apples. And there's enough for everyone.
- 14:20 Sweet.
- 14:22 It's like a hootenanny in my mouth. We're saved.
- 14:26 It's a miracle. Hooray for Connie Buffle Kill.
- 14:29 What?
- 14:30 So now we're not eating homo?
- 14:34 And thanks to that little girl, today you can find apples in everything that's good.
- 14:40 Apple wine, apple whiskey, apple snaps, apple martinis,
- 14:45 a Snapple with vodka in it, apple nail polish remover.
- 14:49 Don't forget applesauce. Yeah,
- 14:52 I suppose you could grind some pills into it.
- 15:01 Oh, look out there, folks. That's the mighty Mississippi.
- 15:06 Big deal.
- 15:07 Reminds me of a tall tale about two scalawags rafting down the big muddy.
- 15:12 Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn. That's not a tall tale.
- 15:17 It's a book by Mark Twain. Look, let's just do this thing.
- 15:25 White washing sucks, Tom.
- 15:27 It powerful sucks.
- 15:29 Morning, friend.
- 15:30 Once you turn it whitewashing, it's powerful fun.
- 15:33 Why, you ain't fooling me again, Tom Sawyer.
- 15:36 If I may.
- 15:39 Now get to work!
- 15:44 I still got it.
- 15:48 Well, Huckleberry Finn, you get down from there.
- 15:51 A body could break his neck.
- 15:54 I ain't a fear to that.
- 15:55 I just get a new neck. Off in a cat.
- 15:58 Hook!
- 16:01 Oh, Hook, you gave your bones an awful rattling.
- 16:05 Yeah, but I'm feeling better right now.
- 16:11 Ah-ha!
- 16:13 Hold my daughter's hand, will you? I was gonna let go, by and by.
- 16:18 Well, I guess there's no harm done, as long as it was gonna be by and by.
- 16:23 But just to play it safe. We're gathered here today to force this man,
- 16:28 Huckleberry Finn, into holy matrimony.
- 16:32 How romantic.
- 16:34 This reminds me of our shotgun wedding.
- 16:38 Grandpa, we've been married for years. When are you gonna put down that gun?
- 16:41 Well, I reckon you're right.
- 16:44 Hang it all! Do you, Huck, take Becky as your wife?
- 16:51 Whoa!
- 16:53 Hey, they done switched to groom with a pig.
- 16:56 No wonder he was pooping so much.
- 17:01 Come on, let's get those polecats.
- 17:12 Now we'll never catch them.
- 17:16 I reckon we're safe now. There's a state line.
- 17:25 Uh-oh!
- 17:26 Rapids!
- 17:32 Please do not exit the raft until it has come to a complete stop.
- 17:37 Mr. Silas, this young lady is flashing her privates.
- 17:41 Oh, well, I'll dispose of this.
- 17:45 All for Silas, all for Silas.
- 17:53 I'm considerable hungry.
- 17:55 We got any food left?
- 17:56 Looks like we're out of corn pwn, fat back, hard tack, fat pwn, corn tack.
- 18:01 Any tack back? Tack back? I mean, back tack.
- 18:04 Plum out.
- 18:08 One jug of whiskey, three plugs of tobacco, and some extra strength opium.
- 18:13 That will be two cents, boys.
- 18:15 Two cents?
- 18:17 If you think my prices are high, go across the street.
- 18:22 Thank you, come again. Oh, he put the lard pone on top of the egg pone.
- 18:27 Dang!
- 18:31 Double dang!
- 18:35 Ah, doggy butter!
- 18:38 Oh,
- 18:45 it's no use. I got an idea.
- 18:50 Uh, hmm.
- 18:53 Well, Doug, my cats, they's dis-separated.
- 18:58 Keep quiet, Huck. They won't look up here if nothing draws your attention.
- 19:02 Old Man River,
- 19:05 that old man River,
- 19:10 he just keeps rolling.
- 19:18 Well, I see President Fillmore's in the news again.
- 19:22 Glug, glug, glug.
- 19:27 What'll it be, boys? Just three X's for me.
- 19:30 Give me five.
- 19:37 This ain't no 5X whiskey. I can still see.
- 19:40 That bar keeps a no good cheat.
- 19:42 Cheat?
- 19:50 All right, we've all got derringers.
- 19:53 Now let's just put them away.
- 19:54 Nobody here is a cheat. Cheat!
- 19:57 Ah, cheat!
- 20:03 Man, those derringer bullets are weak.
- 20:06 Powerful weak.
- 20:08 Light out and stay lit up!
- 20:18 Let us pray for the souls of these dearly departed young men,
- 20:23 Huckleberry Finn and Thomas Sawyer.
- 20:29 Now for the traditional lowering of the bodies into the coffins.
- 20:40 And that was Tom and Huck's last adventure.
- 20:43 I liked that story, because I was a judge.
- 20:47 Get away!
- 20:48 Well, this is our stop.
- 20:50 Would you like to come sightseeing with us?
- 20:52 We're gonna visit the place where JCPenney sends their damaged merchandise.
- 20:56 No, thanks.
- 20:58 I'm gonna keep on riding the rails, swapping stories for sponge baths.
- 21:06 I believe I told three stories.
- 21:11 Oh, I'll meet you in Wilmington.
- 21:16 Close the door.
- 21:20 Raise your arm.
- 21:22 Okay, the other one.
- 21:24 You know, I do 400 sit-ups a day.
- 21:27 Oh, it shows.
- 21:28 I was going to say something, but I thought it might sound, you know, weird.
- 21:31 Oh, not at all. I like when people say nice things about my body.
- 21:35 And it's important to feel good about yourself.
- 21:38 Okay, spread your toes.
- 21:40 Oh, you know how much glass is in here?
- 22:25 Oh boy, buffalo testicles!