There's No Disgrace Like Home

The Simpsons, season 1, episode 4. First aired January 28, 1990. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Homer's Odyssey Bart the General → The whole episode as text

From “There's No Disgrace Like Home”: “Hey!” — Hey!

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About the episode

After his family embarrasses him at Mr. Burns's company picnic, Homer peeks through neighbors' windows at happier households and decides the Simpsons need fixing. He pawns the television to pay for Dr. Marvin Monroe's family therapy clinic, where the session turns into the family zapping one another with electric shocks. Monroe refunds double their money, and the Simpsons buy a new TV.

Written by: Al Jean and Mike Reiss
Directed by: Gregg Vanzo and Kent Butterworth
Chalkboard gag: I will not burp in class
Couch gag: Squashed Homer
Production code: 7G04

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

389 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 The Simpsons
0:39 yeah yeah yeah
1:36 Hey, what's the problem here? We were fighting over which one of us loves you more.
1:40 You were?
1:41 Aw.
1:42 Well, go ahead.
1:43 You love him more. No, you do. No, I don't.
1:46 Yes, you do. No, I don't. Look, you'd better get this all out of your system right now.
1:51 I don't want you embarrassing me at my boss's picnic.
1:56 Mmm, marshmallow.
2:01 Homer?
2:02 I'm trying to get at least some of the unfortunate doyces out of my system while I can,
2:06 Marge. I don't want to embarrass myself at the company picnic.
2:09 Hmm.
2:10 Are you sure that's enough? You know how the boss loves your delicious gelatin desserts.
2:14 Oh, Homer, Mr. Burns just said he liked it once.
2:18 Marge, that's the only time he's ever spoken to me without using the word bonehead.
2:27 There it is, kids.
2:29 Dately Burns Manor.
2:31 Heaven on earth.
2:33 Okay, now look.
2:35 My boss is going to be at this picnic,
2:37 so I want you to show your father some love and or respect.
2:40 Have a choice.
2:41 I'm picking respect.
2:43 Good to see you. Glad you could make it.
2:45 Oh, thank you, Mr. Burns. I'm so glad you invited us.
2:48 Not me. I had to miss Little League for this.
2:50 Quiet, Tom. Oh, please, please, don't fight.
2:52 Just go out back and have a good time.
2:55 Fire that man, Smithers. I don't want him or his unpleasant family to ruin my picnic.
3:00 He'll be gone by the tug of war, sir.
3:02 Excellent.
3:03 Uh, afternoon, Mr. Burns. Ah, hello there, uh...
3:07 Simpson, Homer. There you go, sir.
3:10 Ah, oh, yes.
3:11 Oh, and this must be your lovely wife, Marge.
3:15 Oh, and look at little, uh, Elisa.
3:17 Why, she's growing like a weed. And this must be, uh...
3:22 Brat.
3:22 Don't correct the man, Brat.
3:24 Oh, boss, look what we brought.
3:27 gelatin dessert. No, for the love of Peter.
3:29 That's all anybody brought.
3:31 Some damn fool went around telling everyone I love that slimy goop.
3:35 Toss it in the pile over there.
3:37 And make yourselves at home.
3:39 Hear that, Dad? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch yourself.
3:42 Now you listen to me. Trouble Simpson?
3:45 No.
3:47 Just congratulating the son on a fine joke about his old man.
3:54 Now, remember, as far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family.
3:59 Hey, Bart, last one in the fountains of Ratney.
4:02 Yay!
4:03 Go!
4:03 Be normal! Be normal!
4:06 Ooh, what an adorable little girl.
4:10 Thank you.
4:11 Why don't we dump them in the nursery and get a glass of punch?
4:14 I'm not much of a drinker.
4:16 Hey, isn't that your boy there torturing the swans?
4:19 Bart!
4:22 Maybe I will take you up on that punch.
4:26 Gee, you think we should leave the kids unsupervised?
4:30 You're right
4:39 Where are you, kid?
4:42 Gotcha Careful, Dad Bull gasket,
4:44 you'll lose your job Now hear this The father-son sack race will begin in five minutes on
4:49 the north lawn Participation is mandatory Repeat, mandatory Sorry, that is all.
4:55 You remember the rules from last year? Yeah.
4:57 Shut my mouth and let your boss win.
5:00 Hey!
5:01 I don't know who to love more. My son Joshua, who's captain of the football team,
5:06 or my daughter Amber, who got the lead in the school play.
5:09 Usually, I use their grades as a tiebreaker.
5:12 They both got Straday's terms, so what's a mother to do?
5:16 Well, I sense greatness in my family. Your family?
5:19 Well, it's a greatness that others can't see,
5:22 But it's there and if it's not true greatness we have we're at least average.
5:29 I Don't want to alarm anyone, but I think there's a little lucky haul in this punch
5:38 Mr. Burns are you ready?
5:40 Yes, are you set?
5:42 Yes
5:54 Man, this is pathetic.
5:55 I'm going for it.
5:57 Bert, no!
5:58 No, no, no.
6:00 Bert, no.
6:01 Hey, oh, no.
6:02 Bert, no, no.
6:10 Close one this year.
6:14 Here we sit enjoying the shade. Hey brother, poor the wine.
6:18 Drink the drink that I have made. Hey, brother, poor the one.
6:22 He's here at last, my one and only. Goodbye, friends, and don't be lonely.
6:27 Marge, I need you. Hey, Lumi, did you try the punch?
6:32 Snap out of it, Marge. You've got to come with me.
6:34 The boss is going to make a toast. Oh, I'm not much of a drinker.
6:38 I picked the perfect time to start you.
6:47 Musicians, cease that infertile tootling.
6:50 Thank you all for coming.
6:57 March. Knock it off.
7:00 I'm sorry.
7:02 March. But now it's time to say goodbye.
7:05 Please get off my property until next year.
7:08 I suggest you don't dawdle.
7:09 The hounds will be released in ten minutes.
7:16 Did you have a good time, son?
7:18 Yeah, thanks, Pop.
7:20 Oh, that's the kind of family unity I like to see.
7:24 Smithers, yes, sir.
7:25 Get that man's name.
7:26 I predict big things for him down at the power plant.
7:29 Quick, Bart, give me a kiss.
7:31 Kiss you? But Dad, on your kid. Bart, please.
7:35 Five bucks for a kiss.
7:40 I've never seen such an obvious attempt to curry my favor.
7:43 Fabulous observation, sir. Just fabulous.
7:47 Boy, I'm glad that's over. Now we can go home and act normal again.
7:51 What do you mean?
7:52 Oh, come on.
7:54 That cornball routine?
7:56 I love you, Daddy. Give me a break.
7:59 I pity you.
8:00 Why?
8:02 After you.
8:03 Thank you so much.
8:05 Me first. No, me. No, me. No, me. Me. Me.
8:08 Me.
8:09 Honey, you look so tired. Would you like me to drive?
8:13 Oh, homie. I think I'm going to be sick.
8:16 There was a farmer who had a dog And Bingo was his name-o B
8:22 -I-N-G-O B-I-N-G-O B-I-N-G-O And Bingo was
8:28 his name-o Homey, get in the car This is where you belong Yeah,
8:34 Homer,
8:34 room for one more One of us One of us One of us One of
8:40 us Ha ha ha
8:44 We are a deal.
8:55 The father of the family has worked all day to find this food for his children.
9:01 Unable to fend for themselves,
9:03 the baby bald eaglets are dependent on their mother regurgitating the food which she has
9:08 found.
9:09 Hey!
9:10 Look, everybody.
9:12 Yesterday was a real eye-opener.
9:14 We've got to do better as a family.
9:16 So tonight, we're not going to shovel food in our mouths while we stare at the TV.
9:20 We're going to eat at the dining room table like a normal family.
9:25 Happy Dad?
9:26 Yes.
9:27 Good. Commence shoveling.
9:29 No.
9:30 We're going to say grace first.
9:33 Rub-a-dub-dub. Thanks for the grub.
9:36 Ah!
9:37 No!
9:39 Ignore the boy, Lord. Now, a can of cheddar and bow your heads.
9:44 Dear Lord, thank you for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it.
9:49 I mean, our kids are uncontrollable hellions.
9:53 Pardon my French, but they act like savages.
9:56 Did you see them at the picnic?
9:58 Oh, of course you did. You're everywhere.
10:00 You're omnivorous.
10:01 Oh, Lord, why did you smite me with this family?
10:04 Amen.
10:04 Let's eat.
10:07 No, I'm not done yet. But Homer,
10:09 how long are we supposed to sit here and listen to you badmouth us to the man upstairs?
10:13 I'm sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
10:17 Maybe we should move to a larger community.
10:19 No!
10:20 Don't have a cow, Dad.
10:21 The sad truth is, all families are like us.
10:24 Think so, huh? Well, there's only one way to find out.
10:27 Follow me.
10:34 Look at that, kids. No fighting, no yelling.
10:37 No belching. The dad has a shirt on. Look, knackers.
10:41 These people are obviously freaks.
10:43 I think so.
10:44 Well, let's see what's behind door number two.
10:47 What are they doing?
10:48 They're having a conversation.
10:50 They actually enjoy talking to each other.
10:53 I wish I could hear what they're saying.
10:55 Papa, I believe I heard some rustling in the bushes.
10:58 I did too.
10:59 Better get the gun.
11:01 Where is he going?
11:03 Probably to get the old man his pipe and slippers.
11:17 Whoa!
11:18 Look at this place.
11:20 What a dump.
11:21 It's worse than you think.
11:23 I just trampled this poor sap's flower bed.
11:26 Homer, this is our house.
11:29 Are you coming in?
11:30 No, no.
11:32 I want to be alone with my thought.
11:36 Fans are getting just a little bit anxious here.
11:37 Mother beer, Moe. What's the matter, Homer?
11:40 Bloodiest fight of the year. You're sitting there like a thirsty bump on a lawn.
11:45 Eddie.
11:46 Evening, Moe. Want some pretzels?
11:48 No, thanks. We're on duty.
11:49 A couple beers would be nice, though.
11:51 That'd be two bucks, boys.
11:52 Just kidding.
11:54 Good one, Moe.
11:55 Listen,
11:56 we're looking for a family of peeping Tom's who's been terrorizing the neighborhood.
12:00 Quiet, boy. Let the nice people enjoy the beers.
12:04 Don't worry. This dog has to sit. Hey, what's gotten into Bobo?
12:08 I got some wieners in my pocket.
12:11 It figures.
12:13 Come on, you stupid dog.
12:16 You know, Mo, my mom once said something that really stuck with me.
12:21 She said, Homer, you're a big disappointment.
12:25 And God bless her soul, she was really on to something.
12:30 Don't blame yourself, Homer.
12:31 You got dealt with a bad hand. You got crummy little kids that nobody can control.
12:35 You can't talk that way about my kids.
12:37 Or at least two of them. Why? You got two I haven't met?
12:40 Why, you... There's five you haven't met.
12:42 ...and a tremendous right. That's just gonna hurt.
12:44 Ladies and gentlemen, this fight is over.
12:48 That's it! That's it! All-Star Boxing is brought to you by Dr.
12:52 Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy Center.
12:55 Huh?
12:56 What?
12:57 Honey, aren't you going to work today? Oh, I don't think so.
13:00 Honey, you have a problem, and it won't get better till you admit it.
13:04 I admit this. You better shut your big gap.
13:07 Oh, you shut up. No, you shut up. No, you shut up.
13:09 Oh, shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Why don't you both shut up?
13:14 Hi, friends.
13:15 I'm Dr. Marvin Monroe.
13:17 Does this scene look familiar?
13:19 If so, I can help.
13:20 No gimmicks, no pills, no fad diets.
13:24 Just family bliss or double your money back.
13:26 So call today.
13:28 Dr. Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy Center.
13:30 1-800-555-HUGS. Why don't you call right now?
13:34 When will I learn?
13:36 The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle.
13:41 They're on TV!
13:55 All right, time for a family meeting.
13:58 Why can't we have a meeting when you're watching TV?
14:00 Now look, you know and I know this family needs help.
14:04 professional help. So I made us an appointment with Dr.
14:07 Marvin Monroe.
14:08 The fat guy on TV?
14:10 You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on pro wrestling?
14:13 Boxing leads to boxing, and there's a world of difference.
14:16 Gee, Homer, are you sure this is the right thing to do?
14:18 Honey, I've given this matter a lot of study, and of all the commercials I saw,
14:23 his was the best.
14:24 All it costs is $250.
14:27 But we don't have that kind of money? Well then, we're just going to have to dig deep.
14:31 Marge, go get the kids' college fund.
14:33 Hey!
14:34 Homer.
14:35 Oh, come on, Marge.
14:37 Why scrimp now on the off chance that they'll actually get in someplace?
14:41 48, 49, 50.
14:43 $88.50.
14:45 That's it?
14:47 That's the college fund we've been saving for all these years?
14:50 I guess I'd have needed a partial scholarship.
14:52 Well, we're not licked yet.
14:54 To save this family, we're going to have to make the supreme sacrifice.
14:57 No, Dad.
14:59 Please don't pawn the TV.
15:01 Oh, come on, Dad. Anything but that.
15:04 Couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead?
15:07 Now, I appreciate that, honey, but we need $150 here.
15:12 Afternoon, Simpson.
15:13 So what can I do for you? Would you pay $150 for this lovely Motorola?
15:19 Is it cable ready?
15:20 Ready as you'll ever be.
15:22 Mister, you got yourself a deal.
15:30 More money, the college funds, the TV. Homer,
15:34 you're driving a stake through the hearts of those who love you.
15:37 Hey, no pain, no gain.
15:39 Will you be paying by cash or check? Cash, of course.
15:42 I've got $250 right here with me.
15:45 I'm holding it right now.
15:48 Here it is.
15:49 Look, check it out.
15:50 Two hundred and fifty big ones.
15:53 If you really want to impress her, show her the big empty space where our TV used to be.
15:56 Come on, family.
15:58 Let's go celebrate our newfound ability to express love for each other.
16:02 I'm taking you out for frosty chocolate milkshake.
16:05 Yay!
16:08 There go my young girl dreams of Vessar.
16:11 Hello, I'm Dr. Marvin Monroe.
16:13 No doubt you recognize me from TV.
16:15 We would if we had one. Lisa! Oh, no, Homer, don't stifle the youngster.
16:20 Your family must feel free to express itself.
16:23 That's what these pads and jumbo markers are for.
16:25 I want you to draw for me your fears, your anxieties, the roots of your unhappiness.
16:30 Now, take a deep cleansing breath...
16:37 ...and begin.
16:45 No surprises here.
16:47 Homer?
16:50 Homer? What have you got for us?
16:55 Homer?
16:56 Whoops.
16:57 Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Well, if you had been paying attention,
17:01 perhaps you would have noticed that your family sees you as a rather stern authority
17:06 figure. An ogre, if you will. Now, Doctor, that's not true.
17:10 Ogre is such a strong worm. Right on, Doc.
17:13 Another successful diagnosis.
17:15 Doug does it!
17:16 Wow.
17:17 Okay, you want to kill each other. That's good.
17:20 That's healthy.
17:21 There's nothing necessarily wrong with hostile conflict.
17:24 All I ask is that you use my patented aggression therapy mallets.
17:29 Good idea.
17:30 All right. I don't know.
17:32 Okay, let's take another deep cleansing breath.
17:47 Wait a minute.
17:48 These mallet things are patted with foam rubber.
17:51 What's the point? They'd work much better without the padding, Doc.
17:54 No, no, that's not true.
17:57 See?
17:57 Give me that.
17:59 Yes, well, that concludes this portion of our treatment.
18:02 Are we cured yet?
18:03 Don't be ridiculous.
18:05 You will be cured, but it's going to require somewhat more unorthodox methods.
18:10 Unortho-what? Don't worry.
18:12 I'll have plenty of time to explain while I warm up the electric generator.
18:17 Everyone comfy?
18:19 Good. Now, don't touch any of those buttons in front of you for a very important reason,
18:24 i.e., you are wired into the rest of your family.
18:28 You have the ability to shock them, and they have the ability to shock you.
18:34 No, Homer, not yet.
18:36 You see, this is what is known as aversion therapy.
18:39 When someone hurts you emotionally, you will hurt them physically,
18:43 and gradually you will learn not to hurt each other at all.
18:47 And won't that be wonderful, Homer? Oh, yes, doctor.
18:54 Bart, how could you shock your little sister?
18:56 My finger slipped.
18:58 So did mine.
19:01 Bart, Lisa, stop that.
19:05 No, no, no.
19:08 No, wait a minute.
19:10 Wait, wait.
19:11 Hold, hold, if I can... This is not the way to get healthy!
19:20 No!
19:21 You don't want to stand, Sector!
19:24 Beep on, please!
19:29 Boy, someone's really gobbling up the juice, sir.
19:33 Excellent.
19:35 Perhaps this energy conservation fad is as dead as the dodo.
19:40 No!
19:41 Action!
19:42 Beep on!
19:44 Dr.
19:46 Monroe, your other patients have fled the building.
19:48 Stop! Stop!
19:49 You're damaging the equipment!
19:52 Stop it!
19:57 Hey, nice hair, Mom.
19:59 Gee, I thought we were making real progress.
20:02 No, I'm sorry. You're not! Please, you've just got to go.
20:06 Wait a minute, Doc. Your TV commercial said,
20:09 Family Bliss or Double Our Money Back. Oh, but that was just...
20:15 All right.
20:16 Get the money.
20:19 21, 681, 24, 682, 24, 683, 24, 64, 24,
20:24 65, 500. Here, just go and never tell anyone you were here.
20:29 Wow, 500 smackers.
20:32 Homer, how wonderful.
20:34 Our first pleasant surprise.
20:36 It's not the money as much as the feeling that we earned it.
20:39 You did it, Dad.
20:41 Excuse me, dear.
20:43 Shouldn't we be heading down to the pawn shop to get our TV back?
20:45 That piece of junk? Forget it.
20:48 We're gonna get a new TV, 21-inch screen, realistic plush tones,
20:53 and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays.
20:58 Yay!
20:59 Oh, Homer, we love you.
21:18 Thank you.
21:56 MUSIC PLAYS
22:14 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Barney Gumble, Lenny Leonard, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Lou, Eddie, Itchy, Scratchy, Marvin Monroe, Abraham Lincoln, The Happy Little Elves, Yendor, Bubbles, Doofy, Great Son, Joshua and Amber's Mom, Old Dad, Tom Gammel, Great Dad, Springfield Nuclear Power Plant Wife, Great Mom, Receptionist, Troubled Son, Bobo, Cashier, Great Daughter, Knitting Grandma, Mr. Gammel, Norman Rockwell-esque Family, Reformed Dad, Son, Troubled Dad, Troubled Mom

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character