Homer's Night Out

The Simpsons, season 1, episode 10. First aired March 25, 1990. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Life on the Fast Lane The Crepes of Wrath → The whole episode as text

From “Homer's Night Out”: “He's having a boys' night out.” — He's having a boys' night out.

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About the episode

Bart's mail-order spy camera catches Homer dancing with belly dancer Princess Kashmir at Eugene Fisk's bachelor party, and the photo soon spreads all over Springfield. Marge throws Homer out and will take him back only if he shows Bart that Kashmir is a real person. Their search ends at a nightclub where Homer, pulled onstage during singer Gulliver Dark's act, pleads for respect toward women.

Written by: Jon Vitti
Directed by: Rich Moore
Guest stars: Sam McMurray as Gulliver Dark
Chalkboard gag: I Will Not Call My Teacher 'Hot Cakes'
Couch gag: Collapsed Couch
Production code: 7G10

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

348 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 The Simpsons
1:35 So how was the office birthday party? Oh, it was delightful.
1:40 The frosting on the cake was this thick.
1:43 And Eugene Fisk, my poor sucker of an assistant,
1:46 didn't know the fruit punch was spiked,
1:48 and he really made an ass of himself putting the moves on a new girl in valve maintenance.
1:53 Does this girl like him?
1:54 I have to warn you, Marge. I think the poor young thing has the house for yours truly.
2:00 Homer.
2:01 Just keeping you on your toes, babe.
2:06 239 pounds! Oh, I'm a blimp. Why are all the good things so tasty?
2:11 From now on, exercise every morning.
2:16 You're not a blimp, Homer. You're my big, cuddly teddy bear.
2:23 Ah, baloney.
2:25 Yeah, right.
2:27 Oh, give me a break.
2:29 Wow, cool, man.
2:49 Oh, no!
2:52 239 pounds!
2:53 I'm a whale!
2:55 Why was I cursed with his weakness for snack treats?
2:59 Well, from now on, exercise every morning, Homer.
3:06 Don't strain yourself, dear. Good idea, Marge.
3:09 By the way,
3:10 this Friday night I'm going to be attending a little get-together with the boys at work.
3:13 Eugene Fisk is marrying some girl in valve maintenance.
3:17 Homer, is this some kind of stag party? No, no, Marge.
3:21 It's gonna be a very classy, a teen crumpet kind of thing.
3:25 Hmm.
3:25 Eugene Fisk, isn't he your assistant? No!
3:28 He's my supervisor.
3:29 Didn't he used to be your assistant? Hey, what is this, the Spanish exposition?
3:33 Sorry, Homer.
3:36 Uh-oh, it's the female man. Female carrier, Bart.
3:41 Lady, where's my spy camera? Where's my spy camera?
3:44 Where is my spy camera, lady?
3:46 Where is my spy camera? Where's my spy camera?
3:51 Here's your stupid spy camera!
3:54 Oh, thanks, man.
3:59 Whoa, man.
4:01 Look at the size of this thing. I wonder if it really works.
4:06 Because I got a lot of spying to do.
4:16 Bart!
4:17 What are you doing? Sorry, Dad. The answer to that is top secret.
4:21 Bart!
4:26 Oh, Bart.
4:28 What?
4:29 It'll take some wildlife pictures or something.
4:37 Ew, gross.
4:39 Mom, Bart was taking a picture of his butt.
4:42 Oh, sure. Like, I'm really gonna take a picture of my butt.
4:45 Oh, stop it, you two. And put on some nice clothes.
4:48 Since it's just the four of us tonight, we're having dinner at the Rusty Barnacle.
4:52 Yay!
4:53 Fried shrimp! Aw, Mom, can't we just grab a burger and only four of us?
4:58 Who escaped? Your father.
5:00 He's having a boys' night out.
5:02 Just as I was asking myself,
5:04 where did my seven-year-old boy get the money for a Father's Day present?
5:10 I opened the box, and inside was little Eugene's baseball glove.
5:17 He had given me the one thing that mattered most to him in the whole world.
5:22 Eugene, I see you, the one thing that matters most to me in the whole world,
5:26 married tomorrow.
5:27 I'm going to know just how you felt that day.
5:30 I love you, Dad.
5:32 I love you, son.
5:33 Where am I, the planet Cornball? Hey, don't worry.
5:37 Things are gonna pick up once the entertainment gets here.
5:40 Ooh, entertainment.
5:42 Yes, sir.
5:49 Ahoy!
5:50 I spy the children's menu.
5:52 Ahoy!
5:53 This place bites.
5:54 Fart!
5:54 So what's it gonna be, me little bucko?
5:58 Let's see. This evening, I shall go for the squid platter.
6:03 Ew! with extra tentacles, please. No, Bart.
6:07 Excuse me, sir. The party next door seems to be a little raucous.
6:12 Could you please ask them to quiet down a little bit, please?
6:15 Aye, aye.
6:20 Hey,
6:26 try and keep it down, guys, okay?
6:28 Hey, shut up.
6:38 Here you go.
6:40 There you are. For the baby.
6:43 And one squid platter.
6:45 Extra tentacles.
6:48 Bart, quit fooling around and eat your dinner.
6:50 Yeah, eat it, Bart.
6:52 May I please be excused for a minute?
6:54 Okay, but don't dawdle. Your food will get cold.
6:59 Okay, Eugene.
7:00 One last taste of bachelor freedom.
7:08 Presenting Princess Casimir, Queen of the Mysterious East.
7:21 Now this is what I call a party. How do I tell you this, my boy?
7:26 We're in hell.
7:29 Look at him squirm.
7:31 You cared a deer? Watch, Oma.
7:35 Go for it, Oma.
7:42 Shake it, Oma.
7:48 I'm sorry. I don't usually laugh like this.
7:53 I'll climb up around here.
7:56 Get it.
7:59 This is the most fun I've ever had in my life.
8:07 The meeting of the future photographers of America is now in session.
8:11 We would like to welcome our new member, Bart Simpson.
8:15 Oh, people, people, don't look bad. Let's get to work.
8:23 My goodness, quite exciting. Extremely sensual.
8:26 Me, subtle gray tones recall the work of Helmut Newton.
8:29 Who's the sexy lady, Bart?
8:31 Beats me, but the guy dancing with her is my pop.
8:33 Wow!
8:34 He brings to mind the letterwork of Diane Arbus.
8:37 Bart, I'd really appreciate a print of your masterwork.
8:39 Me too. Yeah, me too.
8:41 Sorry, guys.
8:42 No can do.
8:43 Oh.
8:44 Come on, Bart.
8:45 You're gonna make me a print, aren't you?
8:47 Will you swear not to let another living soul get a copy of this photo?
8:51 Okay. Crush your heart and hope to die? Yep.
8:53 Stick a needle in your eye? Yep. Jam a dagger in your thigh?
8:55 Yep. Eat a horse manure pie?
8:57 Yep.
8:58 Well, okay.
8:59 Psst, look what I got. Whoa, I gotta have a copy of that.
9:03 Sorry. Aw, come on.
9:05 Well, okay.
9:11 Hey, Bart, how come Milhouse gets a copy of your girly picture and I don't?
9:15 I thought I was your friend, too.
9:16 Well, okay.
9:38 Son, why are you wasting your time with this sleazy trash?
9:41 Sorry, Dad.
9:44 Wait till I show the guys at work this little doozy.
9:50 Mike, this is Al.
9:52 Just wanted to thank you for the informative memo you faxed me.
9:56 Whoops. Here comes the boss. Gotta go.
9:59 Reverend Lovejoy, your wife confiscated this from one of the boys in the choir.
10:03 Why, this sheep has strayed from my own flock.
10:05 His name's Homer Simpson, sir. A low-level employee in Sector 7G.
10:10 Simpson, eh?
10:11 A family man? Wife and three kids, sir.
10:13 I'd like to see our self-styled Valentino tomorrow morning, Smithers.
10:21 What are we laughing at?
10:31 One glaze and one scratch and win, please.
10:33 You look familiar, sir. Are you on the television or something?
10:36 Sorry, buddy. You got me confused with Fred Flintstone.
10:40 Boo.
10:41 Liberty Bell.
10:43 Another Liberty Bell.
10:44 One more and I'm a millionaire.
10:46 Come on, Liberty Bell. Please, please, please, please, please, please.
10:49 Oh, that purple fruit thing. Where were you yesterday?
10:53 Hey, hey, looking good. What do you want, pal?
10:57 A mister.
10:58 Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-dee-do-dee-do-dee-do.
11:02 Well, a do-dee-do-dee-do to you, pint-size.
11:05 Jeez, you got a lot of nutcases in here.
11:07 Oh, sir, I've seen things you can't imagine.
11:10 Hey, hey, hey!
11:12 I hear you, buddy!
11:14 Full moon.
11:18 Hmm, still got it.
11:28 What is the meaning of this? Uh, uh, it's meaningless, Marge.
11:34 Don't even attempt to find meaning in it.
11:36 There's nothing between me and Princess Cashmere.
11:38 Princess who?
11:39 Hey, my photo. Your photo?
11:41 Uh-oh. Why, you little... Why, you big...
11:44 Bart, go to your room. I'm out of here. Look, Marge, honey, baby, doll...
11:49 I don't even want to look at you right now.
11:52 What are you saying, honey?
11:53 But where will I sleep? My suggestion is for you to sleep in the filth you created.
11:59 Would a motel be okay?
12:09 Oh, I knew you'd come to your...
12:12 Here.
12:14 If you have any soul left, you'll need these.
12:17 I know I will.
12:31 What's the matter, Homer?
12:32 Hottest ladies night in months, and you're not even checking out the action.
12:36 Oh, Moe. My wife gave me the old heave-ho because of some lousy picture.
12:41 What, this one?
12:43 So, uh, where are you staying tonight, Homer?
12:45 Motel, I guess. Oh, no.
12:48 No pal of mine is gonna stay in some dingy flop house.
12:55 If you get hungry in the middle of the night There's an open beer in the fridge Look,
13:00 Barney See the row of tiny lights up there?
13:04 The middle one is my house Someone must have left a porch light on That's rough, pal
13:12 Hello, Marge You left your damn porch light on Barney!
13:16 Home is not made of money, you know
13:19 Don't listen to him, Marge He's...
13:22 Oh, Homer, you're overwrought. Why didn't you unwind a little bit?
13:28 Party down in the hall.
13:30 You know this apartment complex caters to upscale young singles like me.
13:35 No, Barn.
13:36 I just want to crawl into bed.
13:38 Suit yourself, Homer.
13:40 Nighty-night.
13:51 I wonder when dad's coming home.
14:11 Oh, no.
14:13 What in blue blazes do you think you're doing, Simpson?
14:16 What do you mean, sir? I mean this.
14:19 A plant employee carrying on like an oversexed orangutan in heat.
14:23 This is a family nuclear power plant, Simpson.
14:26 Our research indicates that over 50% of our power is used by women.
14:31 I will not have you offending my customers with your body shenanigans!
14:34 It won't happen again, sir, I promise!
14:37 May I get out of your sight now? Just a second, Simpson.
14:39 Smithers, would you leave the room for a minute?
14:42 Yes, sir.
14:46 Simpson, I am by most measures a successful man.
14:50 I have wealth and power beyond the dreams of you and your clock-punching ilk.
14:55 And yet, I've led a solitary life.
14:58 The fair sex remains a mystery to me.
15:01 You seem to have a way with women, a certain...
15:04 How shall I put it?
15:06 Animal magnetism.
15:08 Help me, Simpson.
15:10 Tell me your secret.
15:11 Uh, Mr. Burns, in spite of what everybody thinks, I'm no lover boy.
15:16 Simpson, I'm asking you nicely. I don't really know, sir.
15:20 Simpson!
15:21 Well, write them, dine them, bring them flowers,
15:25 write them love poetry, sir. Of course.
15:29 It's simplicity itself.
15:31 I won't forget this, Simpson.
15:33 Now return to your work. And tell no one of what transpired here.
15:43 Anybody home?
15:45 Hi, Daddy.
15:46 Welcome back, Dad.
15:48 How's your mom?
15:50 Still kind of ticked off.
15:52 Yeah, good luck, man.
15:54 Oh, thanks, boy.
15:57 Hello, Marge. It's me, Homer.
16:01 Are you still mad?
16:04 You are still mad.
16:06 Don't need to say it. I'm your loving husband.
16:08 I can read you like a book.
16:09 I'll just have some milk.
16:12 Look, I'm not drinking out of the carton.
16:16 Come on, Marge. Please forgive me.
16:20 I'm sorry.
16:21 I'm so sorry.
16:23 Homer, you don't even know why you're apologizing.
16:26 Yes, I do, because I'm hungry. My clothes are smelly, and I'm tired.
16:32 I've been thinking, Homer.
16:33 And you know what bothers me the most about this whole thing?
16:36 You taught Bart a very bad lesson.
16:39 Your boy idolizes you. Oh, he does not. Yes, he does, Homer.
16:43 And when he sees you treating women as objects, he's going to think that it's okay.
16:48 You owe your son better than that, Homer.
16:50 So what should I do, Marge?
16:52 Well, I think you should take Bart to meet this exotic belly person.
16:57 I want him to see that she's a real human being with real thoughts and real feelings.
17:02 I want Bart to see you apologize for the way you treated her.
17:06 Okay, your wish is my command, my little...
17:09 Do it!
17:17 Princess Cashmere, you must meet April Flowers.
17:20 She's working over at the Curl X.
17:28 See, I'm trying to teach my son here about treating women as objects.
17:31 That's a good idea.
17:32 But April's over at Foxy Boxing tonight.
17:35 Just let me say that it is an honor to have Springfield's number one swinger here with us
17:39 to... Forget that!
17:41 I'm teaching my boy a lesson. Is he here or not?
17:44 Nah, try Mud City.
17:46 Wily Clark!
17:48 Clark!
17:48 We're gonna try one more play.
17:51 Sapphire Loud.
17:52 Mark! I said look at the floor.
17:59 There she is.
18:00 Hey, Princess!
18:01 It's me, the guy from the snapshot. Oh, oh, hi.
18:06 Gracious, ladies. This is places.
18:08 Can I get just a little cooperation? It's showtime.
18:10 Look, I'm here because I want to apologize for treating you like an object.
18:14 Uh-huh. I also want my boy to find out that you're more than just a belly.
18:18 I want to meet the woman behind all the spangles and glitter and find out that she has
18:22 thoughts and feelings, too.
18:24 Oh, well, okay, but can we make it quick?
18:26 Nice to meet you, ma'am.
18:28 Could you tell him a little bit about yourself?
18:29 Well, um, my real name's Shana Tifton.
18:32 My pet peeve is rude people And my turn-ons include silk sheets And a warm
18:37 fireplace Thank you very much, ma'am We'll be at it Woo!
18:41 Woo!
18:44 They could love their wives alone But I think that's just
18:49 foolish Men must have hearts made of stone Now
18:55 my heart is made of stone Fool,
18:58 man Get out of my cage My boss will freak out.
19:02 Oh no!
19:04 Go!
19:08 Go! Get out of here! Put your hands off!
19:10 Go!
19:13 Oh, I could love a Chinese girl.
19:16 I could love a Chinese girl.
19:20 Let's go!
19:30 Get off of my stage, fat boy.
19:32 Hey, it's the guy from the picture.
19:38 Homer Simpson.
19:40 Sorry, partner.
19:41 I didn't recognize you at first.
19:43 Ladies and gentlemen, it's an honor to have a real swinging cat with us tonight.
19:48 Homer Simpson, Party Guy.
19:54 Mr. Meister.
19:57 Yo, I could love a million girls and every girl a twin.
20:02 Yeah, I could love a Chinese girl and a small fin.
20:06 I could take a Deutschland chick, a girl with golden girls.
20:10 In fact, I think that we could love
20:15 about a million girls.
20:26 How does he do it, Smithers? He's a love machine, sir.
20:32 Way to go, Dad.
20:38 Uh-oh.
20:39 Wait a minute.
20:42 Stop the music.
20:43 Quiet, please.
20:45 I have something to say.
20:47 Quiet. You with the hair, down in front.
20:50 Oh, no.
20:52 He sunk even lower.
20:54 I have something to say to all the sons out there.
20:56 To all the boys, to all the men, to all of us.
20:59 It's about women.
21:01 And how they are not mere objects with curves that make us crazy.
21:06 No.
21:07 They are our wives. They are our daughters, our sisters, our grandmas, our aunts,
21:12 our nieces and nephews. Well, not our nephews.
21:15 They are our mothers.
21:18 And you know something, folks?
21:20 As ridiculous as this sounds,
21:22 I would rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife on the back of my neck as I
21:27 sleep than stuck dollar bills into some stranger's G-string.
21:33 Am I wrong or am I right?
21:37 My wife gets the cutest little thing right here when she smiles.
21:42 This is my Susie. Oh, so cute.
21:45 Bless the line! Here's mine.
21:47 You know, my mom sounded a little down the other day.
21:50 I better give her a call. Oh, there's...
21:53 Marge!
22:01 All right, folks, show's over.
22:03 No more to see, folks. Come on.
22:05 Only sick people want to see my folks' kiss.
22:15 Thank you.
22:54 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Barney Gumble, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Martin Prince, Reverend Lovejoy, Lewis Clark, Richard, Adrian Belew, Charlie, Princess Kashmir, Coward, Freddy, Springfield bears, Violet Bazaar, Radioactive Man, Al Simmons, Femailman, Gulliver Dark, Hey Hey Guy, Mr. Fisk, Reverend Lovejoy's secretary, Burlesque Guy, Doo-De-Doo Kid, Eugene Fisk, Florence of Arabia Guy, Foxy Boxing Guy, Girlesque Guy, Mike, Moon Guy, Rusty Barnacle Waiter, Sapphire Lounge Guy, Suzie, Suzie's Dad

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character