Bart vs. Thanksgiving

The Simpsons, season 2, episode 7. First aired November 22, 1990. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Dead Putting Society Bart the Daredevil → The whole episode as text

From “Bart vs. Thanksgiving”: “You brought food.” — You brought food.

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About the episode

Thanksgiving at the Simpsons' goes wrong when Bart, squabbling with Lisa, sends her handmade centerpiece into the fire. Sent to his room, Bart runs away instead, sells his blood for cash and spends the holiday among Springfield's homeless, where a Kent Brockman news report catches him on TV. He finally comes home, climbs onto the roof and apologizes to Lisa.

Written by: George Meyer
Directed by: David Silverman
Guest stars: Carol Kane as Maggie Simpson; Greg Berg as Eddie
Chalkboard gag: I will not do that thing with my tongue.
Couch gag: Startled Grampa
Production code: 7F07

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

344 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 The Simpsons
1:10 Hey, you punk, you son!
1:44 Bart! Stop fighting with your sister! She took my glue.
1:49 It's not yours, Bart. This is family glue.
1:52 Stop it, you two.
1:53 This is Thanksgiving,
1:54 so glue-friendly or I'll take your glue away and then no one will have any glue to glue
1:58 with. Dad, this isn't about glue. It's about territoriality.
2:02 He only wants the glue because I'm using it.
2:04 Oh, yeah?
2:05 Prove it. Here.
2:06 Hey, man, I don't want your stupid glue.
2:13 Uh-oh. Here comes our friend, Bullwinkle J.
2:16 Moose. Heh, heh, heh.
2:17 Bullwinkle's antler sprungly. Uh-oh.
2:19 Looks like old Bullwinkle's kind of got a taste of his own medicine.
2:22 He certainly did, Bill.
2:23 Wait, what did that mean? Did what I say made sense?
2:27 Well, no, not really, Bill. Boy, now I know how the Pilgrims felt.
2:31 What are you talking about, Bill? Who the hell is that?
2:34 Bowwinkle.
2:35 Who?
2:35 Wait a minute, who's that?
2:37 Underdog, don't you know anything?
2:39 Well, I know it wouldn't hurt him to use some cartoons made in the last 50 years.
2:43 Son, this is a tradition.
2:44 If you start building a balloon for every flash-in-a-pan cartoon character,
2:48 you'll turn the parade into a farce.
3:02 Maggie!
3:03 I'm about to unveil my centerpiece to the family.
3:05 It's a tribute to the trailblazing women who made our country great.
3:09 See?
3:10 There's Georgia O'Keeffe, Susan B. Anthony, and this is Marjorie Stoneman Douglas.
3:16 I'm sure you haven't heard of her,
3:18 but she worked her whole life to preserve the Florida Everglades.
3:21 As one of the Simpson women, would you like to contribute something to it?
3:28 Oh, thank you
3:31 Honey, please, you're in the way Can't I help you, Mom?
3:34 Well, okay Let's see Can you do the cranberry sauce?
3:38 Yeah Where is it? The can is in the cupboard on the bottom shelf Here?
3:43 No, no, no, the other shelf Oh, got it
3:46 Now what?
3:47 Open the can No problemo Where's the can opener?
3:50 It's in the second drawer from the right
3:53 No, no, no, no, the other one Oh, I gotcha
3:58 It's broken, Mom Mom, it's broken Mom, it's broken, Mom, it's broken Mom,
4:04 it's broken, Mom, it's broken I don't think that it's broken, honey Here, let me try
4:10 Here you go
4:16 Ah, cranberry sauce a la Bart Just stick it in the refrigerator when you're done, Bart
4:21 Bart?
4:26 Hey, Maggie, those silver and blue guys are the Dallas Cowboys.
4:31 They're Daddy's favorite team.
4:33 And he wants them to lose by less than five and a half points.
4:36 Understand?
4:37 Oh, Kogan's got Wolodarski open way downfield, and it's complete.
4:40 Ooh, what a hit. Oh, yeah, he's out cold, Gil.
4:43 Oh, yes, sir.
4:44 Looks like they'll be feeding him Thanksgiving dinner through a tube.
4:47 Hope they can fit a turkey in there.
4:49 Get on with you, Gil. Homer, shouldn't you go pick up Grandpa?
4:52 Halftime, Marge, halftime. Ding dong. Here comes the cavalry.
4:56 Don't! Homer, you promised to be nice to my sisters.
4:59 I know, I will.
5:05 You brought food.
5:07 Just a few things. Swedish meatballs.
5:09 Mm-hmm.
5:10 And my trout almondine. You knew that I was cooking a turkey.
5:14 Which is fine. More power to you.
5:17 It's just that some people find your turkey a little dry.
5:20 And if they want an option, they'll have it.
5:23 Hi, Patty.
5:26 Hi, Selma.
5:29 Good to see you.
5:31 Well, gotta pick up my old man.
5:33 Bye.
5:34 So insincere. I don't know how she puts up with him.
5:43 And now,
5:44 get set for our fabulous halftime show featuring the well-groomed young go-getters of
5:50 Hooray for Everything.
5:52 Oh, I love those kids. They've got such a great attitude.
5:56 Ladies and gentlemen,
5:57 Hooray for Everything invites you to join them in a salute to the greatest hemisphere on
6:02 Earth, the Western Hemisphere, the dancinest hemisphere of all.
6:22 Now, before we sit down to our delicious turkey puree,
6:26 I have some happy news.
6:28 The following people have relatives who wish they could be here today.
6:32 Antonosky, Conroy, Falcone, Martin, Thorson,
6:37 and Walsh.
6:39 Oh!
6:41 And Mrs. Spencer, you too.
6:44 Oh, I knew they wouldn't forget me. Come on, Dad, let's get out of here.
6:48 Slow down, boy. What's your hurry? This place is depressing.
6:52 Hey, I live here.
6:54 Oh, well, I'm sure it's a blast once you get used to it.
6:57 Let's go.
7:10 Mom, you made it. How are you?
7:13 I have laryngitis and it hurts to talk.
7:17 So I'll just say one thing.
7:19 You never do anything right.
7:35 And the silver dog,
7:37 now ablaze with flashbulbs as hooray for everything leaves the field.
7:41 Of course, a stadium's much too big for flash pictures to work, but nobody seems to care.
7:49 That's no way to lay a fire. Where's your kiddling?
7:52 This thing's gonna be roaring any time now.
7:55 Even a caveman could start a fire.
7:57 Dinner!
7:58 Dinner time, everybody!
8:00 Dinner!
8:00 The hell with this!
8:03 Okay, Lisa, we're ready for your centerpiece.
8:09 Lisa, my goodness!
8:11 That's very impressive.
8:15 Holy moly, that's the biggest one of those I ever saw.
8:21 I only said she was gifted.
8:23 Definitely from our side of the family, right, Mom?
8:25 Leave me alone.
8:27 How long did that take you, honey?
8:28 I couldn't tell you how many hours.
8:30 It was a labor of love.
8:32 It's my homage to some American heroes who may not have fought in any wars,
8:36 but who nevertheless... Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun!
8:40 Speaking of heroes, here's mine.
8:42 Dumb turkey!
8:44 He-he-he!
8:45 Oh, yikes! What is that? It's the centerpiece, Bart.
8:49 Well, it's taking up valuable real estate.
8:50 Hey, Bart, stop it! Move it or lose it, toots.
8:52 Mom!
8:53 Now, just a minute. I'm sure there's room for both.
8:58 Bart, you're wrecking it! Let's go!
9:01 I worked forever on this!
9:04 Uh!
9:11 Hey, that got her going.
9:15 Bitchin'.
9:17 You don't even care! You don't even care!
9:28 All right, Bart, that's it. Go to your room.
9:30 Now!
9:31 Okay,
9:31 I'll take some white meat and stuffing to go and send up the pumpkin pie in about 20 minutes.
9:36 I said, no!
9:37 Mom, do I have to? Yes, you do.
9:39 I hope you're happy, Bart.
9:42 You've ruined Thanksgiving!
9:49 I didn't ruin Thanksgiving.
9:50 She did.
9:51 Bunch of jerks. I always get blamed for everything.
9:53 And, Lord, we're especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest,
9:58 safest energy source there is, except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.
10:03 Anyway,
10:04 we'd like to thank you for the occasional moments of peace and love our family's experience.
10:09 Well, not today.
10:10 Well, you saw what happened. Oh, Lord, be honest.
10:14 Are we the most pathetic family in the universe or what?
10:18 Amen.
10:19 Worst prayer yet.
10:24 Don't.
10:25 Why don't I go talk to the children?
10:27 Don't worry.
10:29 Marge will fix everything.
10:38 Honey, your food is getting cold.
10:43 That's all right.
10:44 Lisa, I'm very sorry about what happened.
10:47 Mom, I poured my heart into that centerpiece.
10:49 Things like that always happen in this family.
10:51 I've noticed that, too.
10:53 Well, when you feel like coming down, we'll be there.
11:04 Bart, you can come down to dinner as soon as you're ready to apologize to your sister.
11:09 And it's going to be a real apology in front of everybody, and you have to mean it.
11:14 Apologize? For what?
11:16 Clearing the table?
11:17 Having a sense of humor?
11:19 They think they can starve an apology out of me?
11:21 Ha!
11:26 Uh-oh.
11:27 I mean, good.
11:31 Hey, what are you doing? No!
11:33 Drop that drumstick. Bad dog.
11:36 Bad Santa's little helper. Come on, give me that.
11:38 Give me that. No!
11:40 Okay, out you go!
11:43 Hey, boy, come here. You're a good dog.
11:46 Come on, we don't need them to get a Thanksgiving dinner.
11:59 Wow, Swanky!
12:06 Mmm, delicious.
12:08 Smithers, every year you outstrip yourself in succulents.
12:11 Thank you, sir.
12:13 Oh, would you like some candied yam? Oh, no, I couldn't eat another bite.
12:17 Dispose of all this. I did, however, save room for your special pumpkin pie.
12:22 It's cooling on the windows, Al, sir.
12:25 Mmm.
12:27 Stay here, boy.
12:38 Uh-oh.
12:48 Mr. Burns, this is base command.
12:50 The intruder appears to be a young male, age 9 to 11.
12:53 Release the hound.
13:08 I saw the best meals of my generation destroyed
13:14 by the madness of my brother.
13:17 My soul carved in slices by spiky-haired demons.
13:26 Don't worry, boy. We'll get some grub, even if we have to pay for it.
13:43 Ooh, the wrong side of the tracks.
13:53 Twelve bucks?
13:55 Hey, I can bleed.
14:00 Hey, you've got to be 18 to sell your blood.
14:03 Let's see some ID.
14:04 Here you go, doll face.
14:06 OK, Homer, just relax.
14:09 Ow!
14:10 At the risk of losing my voice, let me just say one more thing.
14:16 I'm sorry I came.
14:18 When is that boy going to apologize?
14:20 He sure is stubborn.
14:21 Homer was never stubborn. He always folded instantly over anything.
14:26 It was as if he had no will of his own. Isn't that true, Homer?
14:31 Yes, Dad.
14:34 Twelve bucks and a free cookie. What a country.
14:50 Cute little guy.
14:51 He's starting to come around.
14:53 You look a little pale, son. We better get you some food.
14:58 Here we are.
15:07 All right, 12 big ones and free grub-de-boot.
15:10 Viva Skin Row.
15:12 Hey, it's that anchor dude from Channel 6.
15:15 Oh, yeah, he's doing one of those be thankful for what you got stories.
15:18 Oh, we have lots of names for these people.
15:22 Bums, deadbeats, losers.
15:24 Scums of the earth, we'd like to sweep these people into the gutter,
15:28 or if they're already in the gutter, to some other out-of-the-way place.
15:31 Oh, we have our reasons.
15:34 They're depressing, they wear ragged clothes, they're crazy, they smell bad.
15:39 Hey, listen, man. Wait, I'm going somewhere with this.
15:42 So every year on one lone conscience-salving day,
15:45 we toss these people a bone, a turkey bone,
15:50 and that's supposed to make it all better.
15:52 No,
15:53 you won't find Freddy the Freeloader or Emmett Kelly or even Charlie Chaplin's beloved little
15:58 tramp down here. Pampus blow-dried college boy.
16:02 You know, his girlfriend is the weather lady.
16:04 You don't say.
16:06 Everyone, Lisa wants to read us a poem she's written.
16:09 Sounds interesting.
16:12 Howl of the Unappreciated by Lisa Simpson.
16:17 I saw the best meal.
16:19 It's Bart! What's in your mind?
16:22 And how long have you been on the streets?
16:24 Going on five years, Kent.
16:25 Hmm.
16:26 Suddenly your family may be watching. Is there anything you'd like to say to them?
16:29 Yes, there is, Kent.
16:31 Ha ha, I didn't apologize. Oh, no.
16:33 My sweet little bar.
16:38 Hello, operator.
16:39 Give me the number for 911.
16:43 Hey, thanks for your help, fellas.
16:45 This reporter smells another local Emmy.
16:49 Yeah, we're rooting for you, guy.
16:51 You got some place to sleep tonight, Bart?
16:53 Yeah, there's this family I kind of hang out with.
16:56 Sounds pretty sweet. Yeah, I guess it is.
17:01 See you at Christmas.
17:08 Now listen, guys, I was thinking, um,
17:10 unless you feel weird about taking money from a kid, I thought maybe...
17:15 I wouldn't feel weird, would you? No, I'm comfortable with it.
17:21 Will you forget the report? He's down at the rescue mission.
17:25 We checked. He's long gone. Could you think of any reason he might have run away?
17:29 Anything at all?
17:30 Well,
17:30 we did kind of yell at him and sent him to his room and tried to force him
17:36 to apologize to his sister.
17:38 Uh-huh.
17:40 I said he ruined Thanksgiving.
17:44 Oh, I see.
17:48 Best Thanksgiving ever, A-boy.
17:51 Goodbye.
17:52 Sorry. I'm sure Bart will be back. I would say something comforting, but, you know,
17:57 my voice.
17:59 Let's go.
18:00 If I'm not back at the home by nine,
18:02 they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance.
18:06 Homer, this is a terrible thing that's happened, but we can't blame ourselves.
18:11 We can and will. Children need discipline.
18:13 You can ask any syndicated advice, columnist.
18:16 Bart, are we ever going to see him again?
18:22 Hmm, should I or shouldn't I?
18:26 Hey, everybody, I'm home. Bart, you're home!
18:31 Oh, my special little guy.
18:33 We were so worried.
18:35 Oh, it's great to have you back, boy. We were afraid we'd lost you.
18:38 Welcome back, Bart.
18:41 I'm sorry we had such a terrible fight.
18:43 Bart, isn't there something you like to say to your sister?
18:48 Okay, I'm sorry, too. No, no, no. That won't do at all.
18:52 Yeah, boy, get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness.
18:56 Yeah, beg me, Bart. Beg me.
18:59 Lisa, I beg of you.
19:00 Please forgive me.
19:02 Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
19:07 Now we can blame him for everything.
19:10 It's your fault I'm both. I'm sorry. It's your fault I'm both.
19:14 I'm sorry. It's your fault I can't talk.
19:18 I'm sorry. It's your fault America has lost its way.
19:21 I'm sorry. It's all your fault. I'm sorry.
19:23 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
19:26 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
19:28 I'm sorry, all right. Sorry I came back here.
19:43 Whoa!
19:44 My wiffle balls, my frisbees, my wire rockets.
19:47 I've hit the jackpot!
19:49 The sellout crowd at the Super Bowl. Simpson down by six with two seconds left.
19:53 Simpson phase back.
19:54 He's got Simpson in the open.
19:58 Touchdown Simpson!
20:00 The boy nobody wanted just won the Super Bowl!
20:09 Dear Log, my brother is still missing.
20:12 And maybe it's my fault because I failed to take his abuse with good humor.
20:19 I miss him so much already that I don't know.
20:27 Hey, Lisa. Lisa.
20:29 It's me, Bart.
20:32 Bart? Where are you? I'm on the roof.
20:44 Bart, what are you doing up here? Everybody's worried.
20:47 Really? Did they cry?
20:48 Yes. Whoa, bullseye. Bart, why did you burn my centerpiece?
20:53 Aw, come on.
20:55 Was it because you hate me or because you're bad?
20:58 I don't know. I don't know why I did it.
21:00 I don't know why I enjoyed it. And I don't know why I'll do it again.
21:03 Just tell me you're sorry.
21:05 Why should I? Bart,
21:07 the only reason to apologize is if you look deep down inside yourself and you find a spot,
21:13 something you wish wasn't there, because you feel bad you hurt your sister's feelings.
21:19 Leave me alone. Just look!
21:22 Okay, okay.
21:25 Looking for the spot.
21:28 Still checking.
21:29 This is so stupid.
21:30 I'm not going to find anything.
21:32 Just because I wrecked something she worked really hard on and I made her cool.
21:36 Uh-oh.
21:40 I'm sorry, Lisa.
21:42 Apology accepted.
21:48 You know, March, we're great parents.
21:51 Oh, Lord, on this blessed day,
21:54 we thank thee for giving our family one more crack at togetherness.
21:58 Amen.
22:11 Thank you.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Grampa Simpson, Krusty the Clown, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Kent Brockman, Jasper Beardsley, Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier, Santa's Little Helper, Lou, Eddie, Snowball II, Scratchy, Jacqueline Bouvier, Space Mutants, The Happy Little Elves, Yendor, Curious Bear Cub, Marty, Cheery, Bill, El Barto, The Hounds, Mrs. Spencer, Retirement Castle administrator, Hooray For Everything, Uncle Sam

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character