Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment

The Simpsons, season 2, episode 13. First aired February 7, 1991. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← The Way We Was Principal Charming → The whole episode as text

From “Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment”: “we'll show you how to cut your first aid bill in half by making your own band-aids.” — we'll show you how to cut your first aid bill in half by making your own band-aids.

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About the episode

Homer gets a shady installer to give the family an illegal cable connection. Lisa, shaken by a Sunday school lesson on hell, fears her father will be damned for stealing, and on Reverend Lovejoy's advice refuses to watch. When Homer hosts his pals for a pay-per-view boxing match, Lisa's distress wins him over: he sits out the fight with her and cuts the line.

Written by: Steve Pepoon
Directed by: Rich Moore
Guest stars: Phil Hartman as Troy McClure; Phil Hartman as Moses; Phil Hartman as The Cable Guy
Chalkboard gag: I will not make flatulent noises in class.
Couch gag: Egyptian Dance
Production code: 7F13

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

377 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 The Simpsons
0:42 Let's go.
0:42 Bye.
1:02 Thank you.raktion. Shoot!
1:38 Hey, good evening, Hezron, carver of graven images.
1:41 Ah, good evening, Homer the Thief. How was business?
1:43 Been a little slow these past few months.
1:45 Not much to steal in the desert, you know.
1:47 Ah, do not worry, my friend. I figure we'll be wandering out here.
1:50 Another two weeks, tops.
1:53 Hey, good evening, Zohar the Adulterer. My wife sends her warmest regards.
1:57 Ah, yes. She's a good woman.
1:59 Very good. Thank you, my lusty friend.
2:02 He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he.
2:09 Oh, Moses is back. Quick, everybody look busy.
2:14 The Lord has handed down to us ten commandments by which to live.
2:20 I will now read them in no particular order.
2:23 Thou shalt not make any graven images.
2:27 Oh, my God.
2:28 Thou shalt not commit adultery.
2:31 Ah, well, looks like the party's over. Hey, Moses.
2:35 Keep them coming.
2:37 Thou shalt not steal.
2:41 Sorry, Homer.
2:48 That is the most dishonest thing I've ever heard.
2:51 I should box your ears, you, you, you, you, you, you, you sneaky Pete.
2:55 Is it, Tiger? Hey, you easy now. Get off my property.
2:58 Off. Hey, Flanders. Who put that bug up your butt?
3:01 Oh,
3:02 I wanted to subscribe to that new arts and crafts channel well sir they send over this flim
3:07 flam man to install you know what he did he offered to hook me up illegally to every cable
3:12 channel for only 50 bucks boy what's this world coming to you know that's exactly what
3:18 i gotta go hey stop cable man stop
3:27 what do you want i want free cable
3:32 So this is okay, isn't it? I mean, everybody does it, right?
3:35 What?
3:36 Oh, hey, if you're having second thoughts, just read this pamphlet.
3:39 So you've decided to steal cable. Uh-huh.
3:42 Myth, cable piracy is wrong.
3:45 Fact, cable companies are big faceless corporations, which makes it okay.
3:52 See, the clown is a treasure that will last a lifetime.
3:56 Cable, it's more wonderful than I dared hope.
4:00 Don't you hate it when you go to the bathroom and there's no toilet paper?
4:07 It's funny because it's true.
4:10 Oh, hey, hey, family, family, come here.
4:14 I have an announcement to make.
4:16 The Simpsons have cable.
4:19 Cable?
4:20 We have cable.
4:21 That's right, 68 channels, MTV for the kids, VH1 for us.
4:25 1,600 hours of quality programming every day.
4:30 Homer, we talked about cable before.
4:32 You really think we can afford it?
4:34 Nothing a month. Yeah, I think we can swing that.
4:38 Are you sure this is legal? Don't worry, Marge.
4:41 Take a look at this.
4:42 Myth.
4:43 It's only fair to pay for quality first-run movies.
4:46 Fact.
4:47 Most movies shown on cable get two stars or less and are repeated ad nauseum.
4:52 Hmm.
4:53 I don't know.
4:56 Hear me roar, the network for women.
4:59 In the next half hour,
5:00 we'll show you how to cut your first aid bill in half by making your own band-aids.
5:05 Ooh, that's a good idea.
5:08 Now, before we begin, you'll need five yards of sterilized cotton.
5:12 El mumeo lo pone en el sleeper old.
5:14 ¿Dónde están los médicos de México?
5:17 Ooh, pro wrestling from Mexico.
5:20 You know, down there, it's a real sport.
5:21 Oh, this is where Jaws eats the boat.
5:25 Oh, this is where Die Hard jumps through the window.
5:28 Oh, this is where Wall Street gets arrested.
5:31 Mr. Speaker,
5:32 if I could call your attention to the retroactive subsidy appropriations override bill,
5:38 I refer you to page 4,500.
5:42 You must think people will watch anything.
5:44 Live from New Orleans, this is the World Series of Cockfighting.
5:49 Oh, son of a gun, we'll have big fun in the bayou tonight.
5:53 We'd get there quicker if I drove my dad's car.
5:55 I don't know, Davies.
5:57 Aren't you ready for church, Homer?
5:59 Huh?
6:00 What?
6:01 Oh, okay.
6:07 Now today's Christian doesn't think he needs God.
6:10 He thinks he's got it made.
6:12 He's got his hi-fi, his boob tube, and his instant pizza pie.
6:18 Ooh, pizza
6:20 All right, children Now,
6:22 I don't want you to get frightened But it's my responsibility to teach you this Today's
6:27 topic will be hell All right I've sat through mercy and I've sat through forgiveness
6:33 Finally, we get to the good stuff Oh,
6:35 hell is a terrible place Maggots are your sheet,
6:39 worms your blanket There's a lake of fire burning with sulfur You'll be tormented day and
6:44 night forever and ever As a matter of fact,
6:46 if you actually saw hell you'd be so frightened you would die.
6:50 Oh, Miss Albright. Yes, Bard?
6:53 Wouldn't you eventually get used to it, like in a hot tub?
6:55 No.
6:56 Yes, Bard?
6:58 Are there pirates in hell? Yes, thousands of them.
7:01 Oh, baby. So what you're saying is there's a downside to the afterlife.
7:06 How does one steer clear of this abode of the dam?
7:09 By obeying the Ten Commandments.
7:11 Ten simple rules that are easy to live by.
7:21 So, what did you children learn about today?
7:24 Hell. Bart! Well, that's what we learned about.
7:26 I sure as hell can't tell you we learned about hell unless I say hell, can't I?
7:30 Eh, the lad has your point. Hell, yes. Bart!
7:32 Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell.
7:36 Bart, you're no longer in Sunday school.
7:39 Don't swear.
7:44 Hey, anybody up for a little so-called pay TV?
7:49 Dad, are you sure this isn't stealing?
7:52 Read the pamphlet, honey.
7:54 Hello, I'm Troy McClure.
7:56 You may remember me from such movies as Cry Yuma and Here Comes the Coast Guard.
8:01 But today I'd like to talk to you about a pleasant tasting candy that actually cleans and
8:05 straightens your teeth. Oh, goody, a program-linked advertisement.
8:09 Wait a minute, Troy.
8:10 I'm a little confused.
8:12 Did you say cleans and straighten? There's no confusion, Tina.
8:17 Just good science.
8:19 Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet the inventor, Dr.
8:22 Nick Riviera. Thank you, Troy. Hi, everybody.
8:26 Now could I have a volunteer?
8:29 Somebody with crooked yellow teeth.
8:44 Come on, Lisa.
8:46 Watch a little cable with us.
8:48 It won't cost you a thing.
8:52 Except your soul.
8:56 What's going on to Lisa?
8:57 Beats the hell out of me. Burt!
9:10 Mom, what are you doing? What?
9:12 What do you mean?
9:13 Don't you remember the Eighth Commandment?
9:15 Oh, of course.
9:16 It's thou shalt not
9:20 engraven images something about covet Thou shalt not steal!
9:26 Oh.
9:28 Anything else?
9:31 Yes, I ate two grapes.
9:33 Please charge me for them.
9:35 Oh, two grapes?
9:37 Who cares?
9:38 Just charge me something, please.
9:40 Yeah, okay, all right.
9:41 I need a price check on two grapes.
9:44 Yeah, you heard me, Phil. Two measly stinking grapes.
9:48 If you didn't catch it in the theater or read it or see it someplace else,
9:52 we've got it on the Blockbuster Channel.
9:56 Dad, why is the world such a cesspool of corruption?
9:59 Oh, great. Hi.
10:01 What makes you say that? Well, at Sunday school, we learned that stealing is a sin.
10:05 Well, duh. But everybody does it. I mean, we're stealing cable as we speak.
10:09 Oh, man.
10:10 Look at it this way. When you had breakfast this morning, did you pay for it?
10:15 No. And did you pay for those clothes you're wearing?
10:17 No, I didn't. Well, run for the hills, Ma Barker, before I call the feds.
10:22 Dad, I think that's pretty spurious.
10:24 Well, thank you, honey.
10:26 Friday night, live from Las Vegas, the ultimate matchup.
10:30 About to knock the other guy out.
10:33 It's Watson Tatum 2.
10:34 This time, it's for money.
10:37 Oh, boy.
10:38 Only on the Blockbuster Channel.
10:43 How can one little insulated wire bring so much happiness?
10:50 Hey,
10:53 big fight coming up. Yeah,
10:55 you want to come over to my house and listen to round-by-round updates on the radio?
10:58 Oh, yeah, okay. Oh, and then after the fight,
11:00 we can watch the still photos on the 11 o'clock news.
11:03 Not too shabby.
11:05 What do you say, Homer?
11:07 Eh, we could do that, uh, yeah.
11:10 Or we could go over to my house and watch the whole thing live on cable TV.
11:14 Wow! Get off!
11:16 You're kidding me! Excellent!
11:18 Pass the publish, please.
11:19 Uh, he's Homer Simpson, sir, one of your drones from Sector 7G.
11:23 Excellent.
11:23 I'm so keen on seeing Watson versus Tatum, too.
11:27 I'd even go to an employee's house.
11:30 I can picture it now. The screen door rusting off its filthy hinges.
11:35 Mangy dogs staggering about. Looking vainly for a place to die.
11:40 Permission to speak frankly, sir? Permission granted.
11:42 Well, you are quite wealthy. Thank you, Smithers.
11:45 Your candor is most refreshing.
11:47 No, no, I mean, why don't you pay for the fight yourself?
11:50 Ah, Smithers,
11:51 a big title fight is one of those rare occasions that I savor the sights,
11:56 the sounds and the smells of other men.
12:00 You haven't lost the common touch, sir.
12:03 So, Homer, I hear you got the fight. Yeah, that's right.
12:08 Eight o'clock, my place. Come one, come all.
12:10 All right!
12:12 Hey, Mo, how come you never got cable for the bar?
12:16 Well, it was either cable or the mechanical bull.
12:19 I made my choice, and I stand by it.
12:25 Ooh, somebody's having a party Yep, Friday night, you want to come over?
12:29 No, thank you,
12:30 but this store is open 24 hours It puts great demands on my time Too bad,
12:35 it's going to be a great fight Oh, the fight!
12:37 Why didn't you say something?
12:39 I'll get my brother Sanjay to cover for me He deplores violence of all kinds
12:44 So, even if a man takes bread to feed his starving family, that would be stealing?
12:49 No.
12:50 Well, it is if he puts anything on it. Jelly, for example.
12:54 I see.
12:55 Well, come on, Lisa. Now you're here for a reason.
12:58 Is your father stealing bread?
13:00 Maybe.
13:01 I don't watch him every minute.
13:02 But what I am sure of is we're getting cable for free.
13:05 Well, I'm afraid that is stealing, Lisa.
13:08 And I think you must do something.
13:10 Should I have my father arrested? Well, Lisa, on the surface,
13:13 that would appear to be an ideal solution to the problem.
13:15 But remember the fifth commandment. Honor thy father and thy mother.
13:21 Hmm, Lisa,
13:23 I would like to see you set an example by not watching the offending technology yourself.
13:29 Thank you, Reverend Lovejoy.
13:30 You're watching Top Hat Entertainment.
13:33 Adult programming all day, every day. Except in Florida and Utah.
13:39 Coming up next, Stardust Memories.
13:43 Baby.
13:44 Ay, caramba! Dad!
13:46 Dad! Oh, here's what I was looking for. Blue chips closed up 3 3 quarters.
13:52 Oil service stock slumped slightly on the news of continuing...
13:54 Son, you shouldn't watch that other channel.
13:57 It's only for mommies and daddies who love each other very much.
14:01 I want you to promise me you won't watch that channel ever again.
14:05 Okay. Promise me. I promise I will never watch that channel again.
14:08 Good boy.
14:09 Hi, Dad.
14:10 I think stealing cable is wrong,
14:11 so I'm choosing not to watch it in the hope that others will follow my example.
14:15 It's the last you'll hear from me on the matter.
14:17 Thank you for your time. Hey, Lisa.
14:19 Racing from Belmont?
14:21 Horsies.
14:22 Sorry, I'd rather go to heaven.
14:25 There's something wrong with that kid.
14:27 She's so moral.
14:29 Why can't she be more like, well, not like Bart, but gotta be a happy medium.
14:35 Well, you know, Bart was looking at that racy movie today.
14:40 And Lisa's losing a little respect for you.
14:44 So, um, maybe we should think about unhooking the cable.
14:48 Unhook it? But I love cable.
14:51 Well, then maybe you should pay for it. Oh, look, look, Marge, I can't afford it.
14:56 When I can afford to pay for it, I will.
14:58 But I can't, so I'm not going to. Homer,
15:00 I'm afraid that cable has become an evil presence in our home.
15:04 Marge, I never put my foot down about anything.
15:08 No. But I am severely tempted to do it over this.
15:12 Oh, Homer. Marge, I'm sorry. I think it's coming down.
15:15 No, hold on. It's coming down, my foot. That's it, Marge.
15:18 It's coming down.
15:19 The cable stays.
15:20 The foot is spoken.
15:25 Lemonade, cleans. Seen it. Cleans and straightens your teeth.
15:30 Seen it. I was poor like you.
15:32 Ugh, talker.
15:34 Seen it.
15:35 Hey, Simpson.
15:36 Hey, how'd you get in here? Ah, your door wasn't locked in any serious way.
15:40 I wonder if you'd be interested in this car stereo.
15:43 A $500 value, but I'll let you have it for $40.
15:47 Get out of my house! I don't want to associate with criminals.
15:49 Well, maybe I'll go see your neighbor. He's not home.
15:52 Even better.
15:58 Are you sure you want to do this, Homer?
16:00 It doesn't look friendly.
16:02 Marge, we can't be too careful. There are thieves everywhere,
16:05 and I'm not talking about the small, forgivable stuff.
16:09 Come on, come on. Top Hat Theater is on the air.
16:13 The most beautiful women in the world. Just 50 cents.
16:17 I am your host, Bart Simpson.
16:19 You must be at least eight years old to enter.
16:23 And now, the Top Hat Channel is honored to present broadcast nudes.
16:31 Gross, yet strangely compelling.
16:34 Huh?
16:34 It's a raid.
16:36 What the? What the? Kids. I know you. Come back here.
16:43 Bart, you promised me you wouldn't watch that trash.
16:46 Now go to your room. Man, I wish I was an adult so I could break the rules.
16:51 Oh, great.
16:55 Here, I brought some important generic beer.
16:58 Oh, thank you, Barney.
17:00 How many people are coming home? Just a select circle of my friends.
17:04 Oh, hello, Mrs. Homer. I brought an assortment of jerky.
17:07 Ooh, did you swipe those from work? Oh, certainly not.
17:11 What has been implied here?
17:13 Oh, no, sir, there is no love lost between these two warriors.
17:16 In fact, we almost had a scuffle earlier today at the weigh-in.
17:20 I understand you have a special motivation going into this bout.
17:24 Yeah.
17:25 I want to dedicate this fight to my manager, Vinnie, who got me here.
17:29 And then passed away just two weeks ago.
17:34 Any response to that? Yes,
17:35 I would also like to dedicate this fight to the memory of his deceased manager.
17:40 You can't do that. I can do whatever I want.
17:42 You dedicate the fight to your old manager, man.
17:43 This is just in college. Your old manager.
17:45 I just want to call attention to the fact that I'm not watching this fight.
17:48 It's my form of nonviolent protest.
17:54 Hey, Homer, I brought you...
17:56 Quick, it's Moe. I gotta hide the marks.
18:05 Hey, go protest outside, will ya? Now!
18:11 Hey, Homer, I brought your mug.
18:13 Ooh, thank you, Moe. I always wanted one of these.
18:16 Oh,
18:19 Mr. Burns!
18:22 Bart, quick! Hide the stuff I borrowed from work!
18:25 Borrowed? No, right, the stuff I stole from work.
18:27 Oh, okay.
18:33 No!
18:34 Come on! Take all this! And this! Put it in the closet!
18:37 Why you quit staring at me like that!
18:41 Oh, hello, Simpson.
18:42 We were just in the neighborhood and thought we'd drop by.
18:47 Hello, Mr. Burns.
18:48 Would you like to watch the fight? The fight?
18:51 What?
18:51 Don't mind if I do.
18:53 Oh, Simpson, good news. I brought some munchies.
18:57 Smithers, the Cheetos.
19:03 Our event is set to commence in but a few scant minutes.
19:06 The anticipation here is...
19:09 You Homer Simpson? Yeah. Word on the street is that you have an illegal cable hook.
19:12 No, no, it wasn't me. It was my wife's idea.
19:16 Yeah, yeah.
19:17 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
19:19 Hey, settle down, big fella.
19:22 Whoa, we're just wondering if we could watch the fight.
19:24 Oh, sure, sure, be my guest.
19:31 Lisa, I brought you some lemonade for your protest.
19:35 Thanks, Mom. It doesn't seem to be going very well.
19:38 Well, don't give up. When you love somebody, you have to have faith that in the end,
19:42 they will do the right thing.
19:45 The Challenger learned how to fight in the notorious projects of Capital City and honed
19:51 his skills while serving time for aggravated assaults and manslaughter in Springfield
19:56 Prison. All right, a local boy! For five years, I was incarcerated,
20:02 away from my family and a mother to my children.
20:04 The conditions were irrevocable.
20:07 Aggravated assault, manslaughter, stealing cable.
20:13 Ah!
20:29 Excuse me, I hate to interrupt your judging me,
20:33 but I wanted you to know I've made a couple of really important decisions.
20:37 Number one, I'm cutting the cable as soon as the fight's over.
20:41 And number two, I'm not very fond of any of you.
20:44 Well, back to the fight. Get on, boy.
20:47 Dad, we may have saved your soul. Tatum is reeling from the chance exquisite haymaker.
20:52 Yeah, it's the worst possible time.
20:56 8, 9, 10!
21:00 This fight is history. Stick a fork in it, it's done.
21:04 A stunning knockout by a thunderous bolo punch in the closing seconds of the 12th round.
21:08 And Frederick Tatum is the new champion of the world.
21:11 Everyone to my place for blueberry squishies and microwave burritos.
21:16 That was the greatest fight ever, and I missed it.
21:20 We're really proud of you, Daddy.
21:22 What a Donnybrook, eh, Mr. Bunn? Oh, gosh.
21:25 Why,
21:25 I once watched Gentleman Jim Corbett fight an Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled for 113 rounds.
21:31 Back then, of course, if a fight lasted less than 50 rounds, we demanded our nickelback.
21:36 Cable clippers, please.
21:38 Here you go, homie. Go for it, Dad. Dad, I beg you to reconsider.
21:42 Tractor pools. Atlanta Braves baseball.
21:45 Joe Franklin.
21:47 Oh.
21:50 Oh, I can't do this thing.
22:03 Third time's a charm.
22:25 Thank you.
22:58 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Nelson Muntz, Otto Mann, Jasper Beardsley, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Reverend Lovejoy, Santa's Little Helper, Lou, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Richard, Jimbo Jones, Eddie, Snowball II, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Larry Dalrymple, Sam, Dolph Starbeam, Itchy, Scratchy, Dr. Nick, Troy McClure, Chuck Berger, Ms. Albright, Violet Bazaar, Howard, The Devil, Drederick Tatum, Old Dad, Bill Dandy, Moses, American Spy, Springfield Nuclear Power Plant Wife, The Cable Guy, Watson, Zohar

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character