The Way We Was

The Simpsons, season 2, episode 12. First aired January 31, 1991. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment → The whole episode as text

From “The Way We Was”: “Allow me, gentlemen. You just bought yourselves three days of detention.” — Allow me, gentlemen. You just bought yourselves three days of detention.

Caption it, or make a GIF

About the episode

With the TV broken, Marge recounts for the kids her first meeting with Homer as high school seniors in 1974. Falling for her in detention, Homer joins the debate team and fakes needing French lessons to get close to her, but Marge goes to the prom with class brain Artie Ziff. After Artie gets too forward at Inspiration Point, Marge picks up Homer walking home alone, and their romance begins.

Written by: Al Jean and Mike Reiss and Sam Simon
Directed by: David Silverman
Guest stars: Jon Lovitz as Artie Ziff; Jon Lovitz as Mr. Seckofsky
Chalkboard gag: I will not get very far with this attitude.
Couch gag: Falling Couch
Production code: 7F12

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

401 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:02 The Simpsons
0:54 Do you two have to sit so close to the TV?
0:57 Back up or it'll hurt your eyes. Oh, it will not.
0:59 Oh, yes, it will.
1:03 Our next movie is McBain. Another shoot-em-off,
1:06 push-em-through-the-plate-glass-window, splatter-fest from the Hollywood cookie-cutter.
1:10 Here's a typically brainless scene.
1:12 Senator Mendoza is one of the most respected citizens in the state, McBain.
1:16 And yet you ran his limo off a cliff, broke the necks of three of his bodyguards,
1:20 and drove a bus to his front door? But, Captain,
1:22 I have proof that he's head of an international drug cartel.
1:25 I don't want to hear it, McBain!
1:27 You're out of here!
1:33 That makes two of us. All right, McBain!
1:37 That makes two of us.
1:40 You know, I can't believe we're talking about the same movie.
1:43 I thought McBain was a non-stop rollercoaster of chills, thrills, spills, and kills.
1:49 And that chase at the end, my friend?
1:51 Are you nuts? That movie stinks like a creepy one-bedroom apartment.
1:55 Your mother didn't think it was so creepy.
1:56 My mother, real mature. I'm sick of your great school insults.
1:59 I love watching a bald guy argue with a fat tub of lard.
2:03 Hey, what gives?
2:05 Dad, do something.
2:06 All right, all right.
2:08 Time for Dr. TB to perform a little surgery.
2:13 Looks like you lost a patient, Doc.
2:15 Shut up, boy.
2:17 Cheap, tiny TB.
2:19 Why did I ever find from it? Is that better?
2:21 No!
2:22 Stupid jerk.
2:23 How's this?
2:26 Oh, no. Okay. Just everybody remain calm.
2:30 Hey,
2:34 everybody. If you look real close, you can kind of make them out.
2:36 Yeah. Yeah.
2:38 I think I can. I think this is sick. You're staring at a dog.
2:41 She's right. She's right.
2:44 Oh, I miss TV.
2:46 Dear God, just give me one channel.
2:49 Homer, it's not the end of the world.
2:51 You know, before we got married, we hardly ever watched television.
2:54 You lie. Bart! Oh, it's true, Bart. We used to shoot pool and go dancing.
3:00 How romantic.
3:01 And a lot of times we'd stay at home and talk, just like this.
3:05 I'm living it, but I ain't loving it. So hard to picture you two then,
3:09 hand in hand at the crossroads of life. There's so many questions.
3:13 Pick one.
3:15 Uh, how did Dad propose to you?
3:18 Oh, well.
3:21 Well, Miss Bouye,
3:23 I think we found the reason why you've been throwing up in the morning.
3:28 Congratulations.
3:32 Lisa, I'd rather tell you a different story.
3:35 How your father and I first met and fell in love.
3:40 We were seniors in high school, but we had never even met.
3:46 Why do birds in a sudden Some
3:52 people call me a space cowboy
3:58 Some call me the gang of love
4:04 Some people call me Maurice
4:15 Hey, Alma, you're late for English.
4:18 English?
4:19 Who needs that? I'm never going to England.
4:21 Come on, let's go smoke.
4:23 I'm for equal rights, but do we really need a whole amendment?
4:26 Come on, Marge.
4:27 Don't you think you deserve to earn just as much as a man who does the same job?
4:31 Well, not if I have to do heavy lifting or math.
4:34 Oh, Marge, you really ought to read this.
4:39 Oh, the shop kids are smoking again.
4:47 Oh, no, a life of woodshop. But we're early for lunch.
4:51 Let's go grab a burger. Boy, you never stop eating and you don't gain a pound.
4:54 It's my metabomalism. I guess I'm just one of the lucky ones.
4:58 Well, well, well.
4:59 If it isn't Homer Simpson and Barney Gumbel, Springfield's answer to Cheech and Chong.
5:04 Allow me, gentlemen. You just bought yourselves three days of detention.
5:07 You know where and when. Three o'clock, old building, room 106.
5:11 And in another article,
5:13 I found out that to hire professionals to do all the jobs of a housewife who incidentally
5:18 is not married to a house will cost $48,000 a year.
5:24 Right on, sisters.
5:25 The first step to liberation is to free ourselves from these male-imposed shackles.
5:31 Yeah, mama, pick it up.
5:35 I didn't think it would burn so fast. I guess it's a tissue paper inside.
5:40 Miss Bouvier, I am surprised. You just bought yourself one day of detention.
5:45 You know where and when.
5:46 Well, no, I don't. Actually, I've never really...
5:49 Three o'clock, old building, room 106.
5:55 Hi, Estelle.
5:56 Will you go to the prom with me?
5:58 I wouldn't go to the prom with you if you were Elliot Gould.
6:02 Oh, shut down again. Hey, don't worry, Barney.
6:05 It's a big school.
6:06 There's got to be a girl nobody else wants to take to the prom.
6:09 Excuse me.
6:11 Is this room 106?
6:12 Aye, who's that?
6:14 I... I don't know.
6:16 Why do birds suddenly appear
6:22 Every time you are near
6:28 Just like me
6:30 They long to be
6:34 Hey, would you like to go... She's mine!
6:38 Close to you
6:46 So, uh, what are you in for? I'm a political prisoner.
6:49 Last time I ever take a stand. Well, I'm here for being me.
6:54 Every day I show up, act like me, and they slap me in here.
6:56 Simpson, be quiet.
6:59 I haven't seen you in school before. Okay, Simpson.
7:02 What? You just bought yourself another day of detention.
7:05 Maybe we should get together sometime. Two days!
7:07 I'm sorry, I don't even know your name. I'm Homer.
7:09 Three days! Jay. Four days! Simpson. Five days!
7:11 It was worth it! Six days!
7:13 Okay, Simpson, to the back of the room.
7:16 So, it was love at first sight. It was a jailhouse romance man.
7:20 I reached step one.
7:21 She knew I existed.
7:23 The only problem was, she didn't care.
7:27 What's the matter, boy? Nothing.
7:28 You haven't said poo all night,
7:30 and usually I have to wrestle a bucket out of your greasy mitts.
7:32 Dad, I'm in love. Uh-oh.
7:35 Why don't you grab yourself a beer, boy?
7:37 But, Dad, I don't drink. Cut the crap.
7:39 I just collect the cans, Daddy.
7:43 Now grab yourself a beer and get me one, too.
7:46 Now, this girlfriend of yours, is she a real looker?
7:50 Uh-huh. Lot on the ball? Oh, yeah.
7:52 Oh, son, don't overreach.
7:55 Go for the dented card, the dead-end job, the less attractive girl.
8:01 Oh, well, I blame myself. I should have had this talk a long time ago.
8:05 Thanks, Pop.
8:07 A-B-C-D-F-G-H-A-K-K-L-M-N-M-N-O-P-S.
8:13 Hi, I'm Homer Simpson. I need some guidance, Counselor.
8:16 Okey-dokey.
8:19 Good Lord.
8:20 Simpson, you should have come to see me a long time ago.
8:22 Yeah, maybe, but I just met this girl, Marge Bouvier, and I want to force her to like me.
8:26 That's not exactly the type of guidance I give.
8:29 Oh. Well, I like to think I do something helpful for every student, N through Z.
8:33 Uh, the only advice I can give you is try to share common interests and spend,
8:38 spend, spend. Well, what interest does she have that I could make common?
8:41 Oh, I believe she's very active on the forensics team.
8:44 They meet in the new building, room 219.
8:46 Far out. Homer, do you have any plans for after graduation?
8:50 Me? I'm gonna drink a lot of beer and stay out all night.
8:54 Oh, no, I meant career-wise. You know, that nuclear power plant will be opening soon.
8:59 It's one of the few outfits around that won't require a college education.
9:03 Me in a nuclear power plant.
9:08 Kaboom!
9:10 But bringing up a son, even a blind one, isn't a lifetime occupation.
9:16 Now, the more you help him, the more you hurt him.
9:21 Woe unto Shelbyville. Should they underestimate our strength in dramatic interpretation?
9:25 Oh, thank you, Artie.
9:27 My name's Homer Simpson. I'd like to sign up for something.
9:29 Well, we have an opening on the debate team.
9:31 Debate? Like arguing? Yes. I'll take that, you stinkpot!
9:36 Just warming up, Mrs. Blumenstein. This year's topic is resolved.
9:40 The national speed limit should be lowered to 55 miles per hour.
9:44 55?
9:44 That's ridiculous!
9:46 Sure, they'll save a few lives, but millions will be late!
9:51 Why don't you take Khan?
10:01 No way.
10:03 Our current speed limit is an anachronism.
10:06 The fatuity... Will you shut up? Wait a minute.
10:09 That word you keep calling me? Ignoramus?
10:12 Ignoramus? It means I'm stupid, doesn't it?
10:14 There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity.
10:16 Not to me, there isn't, you... Homer?
10:18 Ignoramus? You're the ignoramus. Homer, would you like to present your rebuttal?
10:22 With pleasure.
10:25 Oh, hi, caramba.
10:31 Hello.
10:34 Oh, you may not remember me. I'm Homer Simpson.
10:36 I moon for rebuttal. Yes, I remember. So, um, you want to go out with me?
10:42 Well, I don't think you're my type. Well, uh, you see,
10:47 the problem is you don't know me. I have references.
10:50 Just ask Coach Flanagan. and ask Mr. Sikovsky and Barney Gumbo.
10:57 I don't know.
10:58 Look, I'm not asking you to like me.
11:00 I'm not asking you to put yourself in a position where I can touch your goodies.
11:03 I'm just asking you to be fair. Homer Simpson?
11:06 Oh, yeah.
11:07 Junior varsity shot putter.
11:09 I think if he applies himself, you know, trains real hard, hits the weights,
11:13 he could go another foot.
11:15 I had him for four years. Solid C student.
11:19 Made a lamp last year. He's all thanks to all men and maybe to one lucky gal.
11:24 Wanna go to the prom with me? Good God, no!
11:29 Well put.
11:29 Well, what's the good word?
11:32 I'm sorry.
11:33 What?
11:34 Well, you seem like a nice enough guy, but I really don't have the time.
11:38 And the City Forensics Championship is coming up.
11:41 Yeah, so? Oh, and I tutor part-time. You tutor?
11:44 Yes. And anyone can be tutored? Just those who need help with French.
11:48 French?
11:49 What a coincidence.
11:52 Just a subject I'm having trouble with.
11:56 Why you cagey old dog? Great story.
11:59 Positively spellbinding.
12:01 Damn you, work! Bart! Pay attention.
12:03 You may be telling this to your own son one day if something breaks.
12:09 Ooh, lost a few.
12:12 Oh, there's plenty more where that came from.
12:14 Uh-oh.
12:16 I said... No problemo.
12:20 The perfect crime.
12:26 Don't be a baby lady.
12:30 Just be a lady baby.
12:34 All I ask is one thing, baby.
12:37 Hello.
12:38 Why is there make-out music on? It helped me study.
12:41 Well, not me.
12:42 Shut it off and let's get down to business.
12:52 Crayon! Bien!
12:54 Uh, fenêtre?
12:57 Bien!
13:00 Femme.
13:01 Très bien.
13:01 Well, I should probably be going. I have a big forensics meet tomorrow.
13:05 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, don't go,
13:07 don't go.
13:08 Wait, wait, uh, why don't we take a little study break?
13:13 To the hospital!
13:14 Paper town!
13:16 Homer, you're amazing. Before you couldn't say bonjour.
13:19 But now you can conjugate all the regular verbs, two irregular verbs,
13:23 and sing the first verse of alouette.
13:25 Alouette, junto alouette.
13:27 Alouette, junto blumeroy. Bien.
13:29 I can't believe it. It's sticking.
13:32 You're telling me new stuff, and minutes later it's still there.
13:35 And it's all thanks to you.
13:37 Marge, when I see you forming the vowels and continents...
13:41 Consonants.
13:41 Consonants with your beautiful mouth and your beautiful breath pushing them past your
13:46 beautiful teeth. You'll see, I guess.
13:51 Marge, would you go to the prom with me?
13:54 You know, Homer, you're like no one I've ever met before.
13:58 You're dear and honest and open without a trace of pretension.
14:03 I'll take that as a compliment. So will you go out with me?
14:05 Please say we.
14:08 We? Whoa, whoa!
14:09 Marge, this will be the greatest night of your life.
14:11 I've been saving up for a new engine for my car, but I'm gonna spend it all on us.
14:15 I'm renting the biggest limo. I'm gonna buy you the biggest corsage.
14:18 My tux is gonna have the widest lapels, the most ruffles,
14:22 and the highest platform shoes you ever saw.
14:25 Maybe I'll wear my hair up.
14:28 Wait, wait, wait, Marge.
14:31 If honest and open is what you like, get a load of this.
14:35 I'm not really in any French class.
14:37 This was just a brilliant scheme to get to know you better.
14:41 Ow.
14:42 You knew the city forensics finals are tomorrow, and you come here until 1 a.m.
14:47 pretending to be stupid.
14:50 Homer J. Simpson, I hate you.
14:57 Hey, Barney.
14:59 Guess who's got a date for the prom?
15:06 Everything I know tells me this story doesn't end with us sitting here and you telling it
15:10 to us? Get off the edge of your seat. They got married, had kids,
15:12 and bought a cheap TV, okay?
15:14 Bring up a son.
15:16 Even a blind one isn't a lifetime occupation.
15:20 Now, the more you help... Terrible. The more you hurt...
15:28 Congratulations, Artie.
15:30 Marge, this may not be the most appropriate forum for what I'm about to put forth, but...
15:37 Would you go to the prom with me?
15:39 Whoa. I can think of a dozen highly cogent arguments.
15:43 Now, the first is from Time Magazine, dated January 8th, 1974.
15:47 America's love affair with the prom.
15:50 Even wallflowers can look forward to one date a year.
15:52 No, Artie, Artie, the best argument is that I've known and respected you for eight years.
15:57 And I would be delighted to go to the prom with you.
16:03 If you pinch your cheeks, they'll glow.
16:05 A little more. Try to break some capillaries, dear.
16:08 Couldn't we just use rouge for this? Ladies pinch.
16:12 Whores use rouge.
16:17 Is Marge here? Who or what are you? I'm her date.
16:21 I suppose you want to come in and sit down?
16:23 Oh, okay.
16:24 Marge's dates get homelier all the time.
16:27 That's what you get when you don't put out.
16:31 You know, I usually insist on approving Marge's dates.
16:35 But from what she's told me, I'm sure you're a solid citizen.
16:37 Thanks, Mr. B.
16:40 Here she comes. Get the camera ready.
16:46 Homer!
16:52 What are you doing here?
16:54 You said you'd go to the prom with me.
16:56 I also said I hated you, and we haven't even talked since then.
17:01 I was afraid you'd cancel our date, so I stayed away from you completely,
17:04 even though it meant skipping school for three weeks and graduating this summer.
17:07 I hope.
17:10 I'm Artie Ziff, Marge's date for the prom.
17:13 Well, hello.
17:17 Don't we look handsome?
17:19 Yes, indeed we do. Well, come in, young man.
17:22 Wait a second.
17:23 If he's your date, who are you?
17:26 I'm a spare.
17:28 Excuse me.
17:30 Now that that unpleasantness is behind us forever,
17:33 let's take a picture of the happy couple.
17:36 Say cheese, whiz.
17:37 Hey, buddy. Hey, where's your date?
17:40 She's with him.
17:42 Ouch.
17:43 So I guess you want me to take you home, huh?
17:45 Hey, I paid for this car, I paid for this tuxedo, and I paid for the two dinners.
17:50 We're going to the prom.
17:51 Prom it is.
18:01 Don't dance too closely now.
18:03 Have a good time.
18:04 Wait a second. Is that a bong?
18:07 You have asthma?
18:08 All right, move along.
18:09 Homer Simpson, I thought you dropped out.
18:12 You wish, Dondelinger. That's Mr. Dondelinger.
18:27 Steak or chicken? One of each, please. Come and throw!
18:32 Oh, yes, I'm on the street.
18:36 Well, that young man's bought himself about a decade of detention.
18:39 Children, we have tabulated your votes.
18:42 The king and queen of Springfield High School's class of 1974 are...
18:48 Hardy Seth and Marge Bouvier.
18:51 No, isn't she great?
18:53 Hail, Queen Marge!
18:55 Woo!
18:57 Long live the queen! Hello, classmates.
19:00 Instead of voting for some athletic hero or a pretty boy, you have elected me,
19:06 your intellectual superior, as your king.
19:09 Good for you. Very well said.
19:11 Now your king and queen will share their first royal dance.
19:16 Why do birds suddenly appear?
19:22 Every time you're near.
19:26 I've got to get out of here.
19:33 Homer?
19:34 What?
19:35 Why are you doing this?
19:37 Why can't you accept that I'm here with someone else?
19:41 Because I'm sure we were meant to be together Usually when I have a thought,
19:46 there's a lot of other thoughts in there Something says yes,
19:49 something says no But this time,
19:52 there's only yes How could the only thing I've ever been sure about in my life be wrong?
19:59 I don't know, but it is.
20:03 Well, where to now, Romeo?
20:05 Inspiration point.
20:06 Ooh, okay, but I'm only paid to drive.
20:11 Gee, Artie, Artie, wait, I don't know. I mean, it was a beautiful evening.
20:16 Come on, let's not ruin it.
20:18 Artie, please.
20:19 Come on, kiss me. Oh, Artie.
20:22 No, really, I mean it. Now stop it.
20:26 I'm sorry, Marge.
20:27 Take me home, Marty.
20:30 Well, it's one o'clock.
20:31 If you want to keep me, I'm afraid it's going to be $45 an hour.
20:35 Nah, that's okay.
20:36 I'm broke.
20:38 I'll walk home.
20:39 Yeah, why spoil the perfect evening?
20:52 Marge, I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anybody about my busy hands.
20:57 Not so much for myself.
20:59 But I am so respected, it would damage the town to hear it.
21:04 Good night.
21:05 Yeah, right.
21:07 You know, when that Simpson boy showed up, it took years off my life.
21:11 Will you stop it? She went out with a good one.
21:18 Shut up.
21:20 I'm over as far as I can go.
21:23 All right, all right. I'll walk in the mud.
21:29 Homer?
21:30 Mud?
21:30 Yeah, you want a ride?
21:32 Sure.
21:35 You know, Homer, when I got home, I realized who I should have gone to the prom with.
21:40 Who?
21:41 Oh.
21:42 Hi, prom day.
21:44 March, poor boo.
21:49 Why so glum?
21:51 I got a problem.
21:53 Once you stop this car, I'm gonna hug you and kiss you,
21:58 and then I'll never be able to let you go.
22:01 And I never have.
22:12 Some people call me a space cowboy!
22:16 Yeah!
22:18 Some people be the gangster love!
22:23 Some people call me Maurice!
22:27 Woo!
22:28 Cause I speak of the Papa Toast of Love!
22:35 People talk about me, baby! Yeah!
22:41 Say I'm doing you wrong, doing you wrong, doing you wrong, doing you wrong.
22:46 Well, don't you worry, baby, don't worry.
22:51 Because I'm right here, right here, right here, right here, right here.
22:57 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Grampa Simpson, Barney Gumble, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier, Rainier Wolfcastle, Raphael, Jacqueline Bouvier, McBain, Larry Davis, Drummer, Kim, The Larry Davis Experience, William Shakespeare, Artie Ziff, Guitarist, Tom Gammel, Clarence Bouvier, Harlan Dondelinger, The Gammels, Cheech Marin, Mr. McIntyre, Police Captain, Troubled Son, Butterfly, Coach Flanagan, Estelle, McBain, Mr. Seckofsky, Ms. Bloomenstein, Tommy Chong

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character