One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish

The Simpsons, season 2, episode 11. First aired January 24, 1991. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Bart Gets Hit by a Car The Way We Was → The whole episode as text

From “One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish”: “Hey, hey, what's this? Fugu?” — Hey, hey, what's this? Fugu?

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About the episode

Lisa talks the family into sushi at the Happy Sumo, where Homer orders fugu sliced by an apprentice while the master chef is busy with Edna Krabappel. Warned by Dr. Hibbert that he may have 24 hours to live, Homer works through a farewell list, from making peace with Grampa to a last beer at Moe's. He nods off to Larry King reading the Bible and wakes up alive.

Written by: Nell Scovell
Directed by: Wes Archer
Guest stars: George Takei as Akira Kurosawa; Sab Shimono as Master Sushi Chef; Larry King; Joey Miyashima as Toshiro
Chalkboard gag: I will not cut corners." followed by lines of ditto marks
Couch gag: Fallen Over Couch
Production code: 7F11

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

389 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:04 The Simpsons
0:59 Is it done? Is it done yet? Your meatloaf will be ready in eight seconds, Homer.
1:03 Isn't there anything faster than a microwave?
1:06 One, three, two, one...
1:10 We have meatloaf! Get it while it's unbelievably hot, kids!
1:16 Yum.
1:17 I've got a dried-out end piece with your name on it, Lisa.
1:22 Thursday, meatloaf night. As it was, is now, and ever shall be.
1:26 What are you getting at? Well, you're always trying to teach me to be open-minded,
1:29 Try new things, live life to... What are you talking about?
1:32 Nobody's trying to teach you that.
1:35 Shut up, boy. Well, maybe Lisa's right. Tomorrow night,
1:38 it might be nice to go out for dinner. Tomorrow night?
1:40 Friday?
1:41 Pork chop night?
1:43 Marge! We haven't missed pork chop night since the Great Pig Scare in 87.
1:47 Friday night, pork chops. From cradle to grave, etched in stone in God's Library.
1:52 Okay, okay, okay, okay. Where do you want to go?
1:55 Anywhere but hamburgers, pizza, or fried chicken.
1:57 Fine, we'll go to Mars.
2:00 There's that new sushi restaurant on Elm Street.
2:02 Sushi? Hey, maybe this is just one of those things you hear on the playground,
2:05 but isn't that raw fish? As usual, the playground has the facts right,
2:10 but missed the point entirely.
2:11 Sushi is considered quite a delicacy. Please, Homer, can't we try it?
2:15 No.
2:16 Please, Dad, this argument humiliates us both.
2:18 If I said no the first time, what makes you think I'm going to say yes the second time?
2:22 Nothing, but you may say yes the 99th time.
2:24 No, try me. Please, Dad. No. Please, Dad.
2:27 No. Please, Dad. Please, Dad. Please, Dad.
2:29 Please, Dad. Please, Dad. No! Okay, okay.
2:37 Please, do not be alarmed.
2:40 Our chefs are just saying hello.
2:42 Oh, okay.
2:43 Hello!
2:45 This is our karaoke bar.
2:47 Now it is empty, but soon it will be hopping with drunken Japanese businessmen.
2:53 I am Akira, your waiter.
2:54 May I take your order?
2:56 What would you recommend for a family that's not sure they should be here?
3:00 The sushi surprise, a little bit of everything.
3:03 It is very non-threatening. I'll have one of those.
3:06 Make it two. Akira, my good man. I'd like two sharks, an octopus, and an eel.
3:10 Very good.
3:11 Do you have any giant squid, the kind that drags men to their deaths?
3:14 Not today, sir.
3:16 It's so hard to choose.
3:18 It all looks so terrible.
3:19 Just bring me one of these, and one of these, and one of those.
3:31 What do you think, Master?
3:33 Oh no no!
3:34 Toshiro, the squid looks like it's been hacked by a blind woodsman!
3:38 Hang your head in shame.
3:47 Good thing I'm open-minded.
3:51 Not bad.
3:52 Interesting!
3:54 Try this little pink one here.
3:57 Very good.
3:58 Another one.
3:59 Oh, boy.
4:00 This bitch is delish.
4:05 Hi.
4:06 My name is Richie Sakai.
4:09 I'm an anesthesiologist.
4:11 And I'd like to dedicate this next song to my wife, Patty.
4:17 I was born in the wagon of a traveling show.
4:21 Mama used to dance for the money they throw Papa would do whatever he
4:26 could
4:28 Oh, oh, and two of these things Two uni And oh, oh,
4:33 I don't believe I tried the flying fish roe I recommend it with a roe quaila gun top Go to
4:38 the doctor
4:43 Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?
4:47 Shaq You're damn right Who's the cat that won't cop out when there's
4:53 danger all about?
4:55 Chef.
4:56 Right on.
4:58 There's gotta be something I haven't tried, huh?
5:01 Hey, hey, what's this? Fugu?
5:04 It is a blue fish, sir.
5:06 But I should warn you that one... Come on, pal.
5:09 Fugu me!
5:12 They say this cat, Chef, is a bad mother.
5:15 Shut your mouth.
5:16 But I'm talking about Chef.
5:17 Then I can dig it.
5:20 He's a complicated man, but no one understands him but his woman.
5:25 John Shat.
5:27 Oh, she's here.
5:30 Cover for me.
5:32 One fugu.
5:32 Not fugu. If it is cut improperly, it's...
5:36 Yes, yes, it is poisonous, potentially fatal.
5:39 But if sliced properly, it can be quite tasty.
5:42 I must get the master.
5:45 Oh, oh, oh, Miss Crabapple.
5:49 Your hair smells of cleaning.
5:52 Master, you are needed in the kitchen.
5:55 I said cover for me, damn it!
5:57 But master, we need your skilled hands. My skilled hands are busy.
6:02 You'll do it!
6:08 Prison, prison, tasty fish.
6:16 Concentrate, concentrate. I want fugu!
6:22 Mmm, fang fugu-tastic!
6:38 Beautiful language, isn't it, Bart?
6:40 For God's sake, don't eat another bite!
6:43 Oh, I couldn't possibly! Mr. Simpson-san, I shall be blunt.
6:46 We have reason to believe you have eaten poison.
6:50 Poison?
6:51 What should I do? What should I do? Tell me quick.
6:53 No need to panic.
6:55 There's a map to the hospital on the back of the menu.
7:00 Try something new, Homer.
7:02 What'll it hurt you, Homer? I never heard of a poison pork chop.
7:06 Your wife agreed that I should break this to you.
7:08 No need, Doc. I can read Marge like a book.
7:13 Oh, it's good news, isn't it? No, Mr. Simpson.
7:17 If, in fact, you've consumed the venom of the blowfish,
7:20 and from what the chef has told me, it's quite probable, you have 24 hours to live.
7:25 24 hours? Well, 22. I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long.
7:30 Oh, Mark, I'm gonna die.
7:33 I'm gonna die.
7:34 Well, if there's one consolation,
7:36 it's that you'll feel no pain at all until sometime tomorrow evening when your heart
7:41 suddenly explodes.
7:42 Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages.
7:47 The first is denial. No way, because I'm not dying.
7:49 Second is anger. Why, you little...
7:52 After that comes fear. What's after fear?
7:55 What's after fear? Bargaining. Doc, you gotta get me out of this.
7:58 I'll make it worth your while. Finally, acceptance.
8:01 Well, we all gotta go sometime. Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.
8:05 I should leave you two alone. Perhaps this pamphlet will be helpful.
8:10 So you're going to die.
8:21 Hello, Marge. Hello.
8:23 I'm the one who's dying, not you.
8:26 I'm sorry, Homer.
8:29 Have you thought about what you want to tell the kids?
8:32 Nothing. It'll just upset them. I want my last hours of family life to be happy ones.
8:38 Well, have you decided what you want to do tomorrow?
8:41 Almost.
8:44 Oh, good. Aww.
8:47 I'm not done yet, Marge.
8:50 What's that word you use for when you and I...
8:54 When we're intimate?
8:56 Be intimate with Marge.
8:59 Can I just make one suggestion?
9:01 Can we get up early and watch the sunrise together?
9:05 Watch the sunrise.
9:09 Till 6 a.m., my dearest darling, and my last day on Earth.
9:27 Oh, that's just great.
9:29 Bart, why did you let me sleep so late? You look so peaceful lying there.
9:33 There'll be plenty of time for that.
9:35 I got tons of important stuff to do.
9:37 Bart! Bart!
9:38 Have man to man with Bart.
9:43 Come here, boy. Oh, man.
9:46 No!
9:47 I just want to have a heart-to-heart talk.
9:50 Oh.
9:51 You know, Bart, after me, you're the man around the house.
9:55 And that means you're going to have to help out.
9:56 Oh, come on. I do plenty around here. Lisa never lifts a finger.
9:59 Why don't you go yell at her? Shut up, Bart.
10:02 This is good stuff. I want to share something with you.
10:06 The three little sentences that will get you through life.
10:09 Number one, cover for me.
10:11 Number two, oh, good idea, boss.
10:14 Number three.
10:15 It was like that when I got here. Hey, this is good stuff.
10:18 Told ya. Now come on, you're gonna learn how to shave.
10:21 And finally, the little spot under your nose.
10:26 Next, we take some toilet paper,
10:29 tear off some teeny little squares, and stick one there,
10:34 and there, and any place you're bleeding.
10:37 There, and there. Don't worry, the blood will hold it right on your face.
10:40 And now, some aftershave.
10:50 And that's how we shave.
10:54 Why, you little? It was like that when I got here.
10:56 Oh, that's my boy.
11:00 Listen to Lisa play her sax.
11:05 Hi, Dad.
11:06 Want me to cut out this inferno racket?
11:08 Oh, let me hear you play.
11:10 Why?
11:11 Does your father have to explain?
11:13 Let's just share your gift, OK?
11:28 Yeah, that's more like it!
11:31 Oh,
11:34 I want to be in that rumba
11:38 And the saints go over there
11:42 Oh, over there!
11:51 Make videotape for Maggie.
11:55 Simpson, what a pleasant surprise. We were just pulling taffy.
11:58 Gee, the fun never stops at the Flanders house, does it?
12:01 No siree, Bob. Hey, Flanders, could I borrow your camcorder?
12:05 Oh, kiddoco.
12:08 Hey, why don't you and your family come over for a barbecue tomorrow?
12:12 No, thanks. Oh, are you sure? We got that new propane beauty just sitting in the backyard.
12:16 No, I don't want to. Oh, it's crying out to cook up some good eating.
12:19 Landers, I said I didn't.
12:21 Tomorrow?
12:22 Sure, what the hey?
12:25 I'd love to come to your barbecue.
12:28 I'll even bring the thickest, juiciest T-bones you've ever seen.
12:34 Mm-mm, sounds terrific.
12:36 He he he he he! Joke's on him! I'll be dead by then!
12:39 I'm trying to get him... is that it?
12:43 This is a videotape for my daughter, Maggie.
12:47 Hi, Maggie.
12:49 I'm speaking to you from beyond the grave.
12:52 Woo-hoo!
12:54 He he he!
12:55 Hope that didn't scare you.
12:57 Well, Maggie, you're grown up now, and unless you taped over this,
13:00 you're probably wondering what kind of man your father was.
13:03 He was a simple man, a kind man, a gentleman who loved his children and...
13:10 Hello!
13:11 Yeah, he's here. Who is this?
13:13 Bart's friend, Milhouse.
13:14 Bart, get your butt down here!
13:22 Dad? Huh?
13:23 Oh, it's you. What do you want? Dad, we've never been too close, have we?
13:28 Not to my knowledge.
13:29 Never went fishing or played catch or even hugged each other.
13:33 We never danced a hoochie-coo either. What's your point?
13:36 I just want you to know that I love you, Dad.
13:40 You do?
13:41 Uh-huh.
13:42 Oh, son, I love you too.
13:45 Hey, how about a hug? Dad!
13:48 Sonny boy! Papa!
13:49 Junior!
13:50 My old man.
13:52 Well, I gotta go. Oh, son, no!
13:55 We got a lot of catching up to do.
13:57 What do you say we go fishing? Gee, Dad,
14:00 if I wasn't on such a tight schedule... Well, I...
14:05 Oh, let's get some worms.
14:08 Ooh!
14:10 Hey.
14:12 Well, no time for that.
14:16 Oh, I really wanted to do that one. Hey, Dad!
14:22 Yes, yes!
14:24 Gee, Dad, way to hug my last moments.
14:26 Just a quick game of hacky sack!
14:32 I love you, son!
14:34 Yeah, yeah.
14:35 The old guy's a little love, Storm.
14:38 Get moving, you hunk of junk. I'm gonna make up for lost time.
14:46 I'm sorry, officer.
14:48 I know I was going too fast. Just give me a ticket.
14:51 I beg your pardon? Just give me a ticket.
14:53 Whoa, well, that sounded like an order. I pay my taxes and they pay your salary.
14:58 So when I say give me a ticket, just give me a ticket.
15:02 Uh-huh.
15:03 Maybe we don't want to give you a ticket.
15:05 Maybe we want to haul your butt in, wise guy.
15:09 Hey, look what else your tax dollars pay for, huh?
15:23 That's sort of nice.
15:24 What are you in for?
15:25 Atmosphere.
15:27 Okay, Flash, you get one phone call.
15:32 Wait, I can't call Marge. It's our last day on Earth together.
15:35 I can't drag her into this mess. I know.
15:38 I'll call Barney.
15:42 Nobody's here.
15:44 Nobody's here. Damn, no novelty telephone answering machine tapes.
15:49 Thanks a lot, Barney. I just waited my one phone call on your stupid...
15:53 I'm home. I'm home. Oh, hi, Homer. You gotta help me, Barney.
15:57 I'm in jail. You are? Hey, Homer, go to the window.
16:01 Hi, neighbor.
16:02 I can see you.
16:04 Just get over here and bring 50 bucks for bail.
16:07 50 bucks?
16:09 What'd you do, kill a judge?
16:12 Where am I gonna get 50 bucks?
16:17 Pizza!
16:23 Why are we all dressed up? Because sometimes it's fun to dress up for dinner.
16:27 Why are we using the good china?
16:29 Because sometimes it's fun to use the good china.
16:31 What's with the candles?
16:33 Sometimes it's fun to use candles.
16:35 Why are we waiting for Dad?
16:36 Because we love your father and enjoy his company.
16:40 Why are we really waiting for Dad?
16:44 Ha!
16:45 Forty-eight dollars and seventy cents.
16:48 You know, we don't usually take rusty money
16:51 You're dying and you weren't even gonna stop at most for the last beer with your buddies?
16:58 Hey, Barney,
17:00 look It was on my list along with a lot of other things I didn't get to do today Hey,
17:06 my boss! Smithies, check out the luscious pair on that redhead That's it,
17:11 baby Work those ankles Ring-a-ding-ding, sir Hey, Burns!
17:16 Eat my shorts! Who the Sam Hill was that?
17:19 Why, it's Homer Simpson, sir.
17:21 One of the schmoes from Sector 7G. Simpson, eh?
17:24 I want him in my office at 9 o'clock Monday morning.
17:27 We'll see who eats whose shorts.
17:31 Wow. Of all the luck, I think I almost died without telling the boss to eat my shorts.
17:36 Oh, Homer, come on. You got time for one last beer?
17:41 Please!
17:44 I gotta call Marge. Ha!
17:48 Hello, Moe's Tavern, birthplace of the Rob Roy.
17:51 Is Seymour there? Last name, Butts. Just a sec.
17:56 Hey, is there a Butts here?
17:59 Seymour Butts? Hey, everybody, I want to see more Butts!
18:05 Oh, wait a minute.
18:07 Listen, you little scum-sucking puss bucket.
18:09 When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew.
18:16 Oh, it was busy.
18:18 Mo, another last beer, please.
18:23 Guys, keep it down. I got some last words.
18:26 I never told you this before, but sometimes when I'm at work, I think of you and smile.
18:32 So often I think that all words won't do it.
18:36 I love you, Mo.
18:37 Please, not in public.
18:39 You better be dying. I love you, Barney.
18:42 Whoa, how are you appearing?
18:44 Come on, Barney. I gotta get home.
18:48 Faster, Barney. Faster.
18:50 I'm dwelling as fast as I can.
18:54 Well, I can't wait any longer.
18:56 Hold on, Marge. I'm coming home, baby.
19:06 Where can he be?
19:09 Marge!
19:11 Marge! Homer!
19:13 Don't have to explain. Love you. Love you.
19:15 Love you.
19:17 I wrote a poem for you this afternoon, Homer.
19:20 It's called To a Husband. Okay, okay.
19:24 The blackened clouds are forming. Oh, give me a break, Marge.
19:28 Soon the rain will fall. My dear one is departing.
19:32 But first, please heed this call.
19:35 That always will I love you.
19:38 My one, my love, my all. That was beautiful.
19:58 Goodbye, Maggie.
20:00 Stay as sweet as you are.
20:05 Goodbye, Lisa.
20:07 I know you'll make me proud.
20:11 Goodbye, Bart.
20:14 I like your sheets.
20:20 It's a good book.
20:23 On tape.
20:25 Ooh, it's read by Larry King.
20:31 Hi, I'm Larry King.
20:32 In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.
20:36 And the earth was without fore, begat Phineas.
20:39 Phineas begat Abushua. And Abushua begat Ahamas,
20:44 Ahamas begat Ahamas. Begat Amariah onward, Amariah begat Ahatub,
20:48 Ahatub begat...
20:51 Shalom begat Hilkiah, and he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children,
20:55 and the heart of the children to their fathers,
20:57 lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.
21:00 Well, that's it.
21:01 My old friend Duke Zaver's standing by. We'll get some coffee,
21:04 we'll get some matzo ball soup.
21:06 I love the San Antonio Spurs, by the way.
21:07 If you're betting in the NBA this year, I think they're going to win it all.
21:10 So I guess there's nothing more to say but...
21:21 Homer?
21:30 Oh, Homer.
21:33 Homer.
21:38 It's drool.
21:39 It's warm.
21:43 He's alive!
21:45 Homer! Homer, wake up! You're alive! All right, stop it.
21:49 Wake up! You're alive! You're alive!
21:51 What are you talking about? You're alive!
21:53 I'm alive!
21:56 And I couldn't be happier!
21:59 From this day forward, I vowed a life to its fullest.
22:06 All right, let's do it in a row.
22:08 That's right. Let's see that one again.
22:10 There we go.
22:11 There it is. There it comes. Note the excellent risk.
22:14 It is just about to go into the general.
22:17 Let's spin.
22:28 My, my. Well, if he makes this, he'll be down by 40 pins.
22:32 This match, though, is far from over, as you know.
22:34 Yeah, it is far from over, but his approach has been wrong from the beginning,
22:38 as far as I'm concerned. Well, he's an erratic bowler, Jed.
22:41 Yeah, he tends to explode in the 789 frame.
22:46 Well, I remember that one.
22:50 Pauline, Illinois.
22:52 Actually, that was Pontiac, Michigan. Oh, it was Pontiac.
22:54 38 pins going into the 8th. That's right.
22:56 Well, he's stepping up now. If he needs to get at least a spare...
23:06 Thank you.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Barney Gumble, Krusty the Clown, Ned Flanders, Chief Wiggum, Grampa Simpson, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Waylon Smithers, Mr. Burns, Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier, Lou, Eddie, Snowball II, Rod Flanders, Maude Flanders, Larry Dalrymple, Sam, Bleeding Gums Murphy, Bubbles, Curious Bear Cub, Akira Kurosawa, Master Sushi Chef, Richie Sakai, Larry King, Toshiro

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character