Bart's Dog Gets an F

The Simpsons, season 2, episode 16. First aired March 7, 1991. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? Old Money → The whole episode as text

From “Bart's Dog Gets an F”: “inconsiderate enough to let a monster like that roam free.” — inconsiderate enough to let a monster like that roam free.

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About the episode

While Lisa is home with mumps, Santa's Little Helper wrecks Homer's new Assassin sneakers and Marge's heirloom quilt, and Homer and Marge decide the dog must go unless he graduates from obedience school. Bart refuses to use the choke chain that trainer Emily Winthrop insists on, and nothing sticks. On the eve of the final test, a last evening of play gets through to the dog, and he passes.

Written by: Jon Vitti
Directed by: Jim Reardon
Guest stars: Frank Welker as Santa's Little Helper; Tracey Ullman as Sylvia Winfield
Chalkboard gag: I will not sell school property.
Couch gag: Pets and Family
Production code: 7F14

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

333 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:04 The Simpsons
1:33 No!
1:35 Bad dog!
1:37 Let's go!
1:39 Bad! Shut up, little helper! Stop it! No, not that poor section!
1:43 No!
1:49 Stupid dog.
1:55 No!
1:56 Stay away. This is not for you. This is Homer food.
2:00 Oh, ladies and gentlemen, well, I've got it.
2:03 Ladies and gentlemen, over the road.
2:05 Time to get up, Lisa.
2:07 It's a school day.
2:08 Hmm,
2:11 Lisa, you don't look well.
2:13 I'll make it, Mom.
2:15 Just tape my lunchbox to my hand.
2:17 Oh, my, you're burning up. And your cheeks are so swollen.
2:22 I think you have the mumps. I'm calling Dr.
2:25 Hibbert.
2:25 Mars, your dog is hungry. Well then feed him.
2:31 Yes, master.
2:39 You're my best friend.
2:46 Who about this?
2:52 Best friend.
2:59 Hello, Dr. Hibber? This is Marge Simpson.
3:02 Not that I'm angry, but how did you get my home number?
3:08 I see. Quite ingenious. Doctor, I think Lisa has the mumps.
3:13 Mrs. Simpson, much as I'd like to rely on your diagnosis,
3:17 I think it might be professionally derelict of me to do so.
3:20 Let me check my schedule.
3:23 Two o'clock is fine. Thank you, Dr. Hibber.
3:26 No way, she's faking If Lisa stays home,
3:29 I stay home If Bart stays home, I'm going to school Fine, then,
3:34 wait a minute If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school But then Lisa stays home,
3:39 so I stay home So Lisa goes to school Lisa,
3:41 don't confuse your brother like that Have a nice day at school,
3:45 Bart Get my homework for Mrs. Hoover Homework?
3:48 Lisa, you wasted chicken pox Don't waste the mumps
4:06 Hey, Bart dude. Hey, Otto man. Yo, hairy bro.
4:10 Go home, boy.
4:11 Go home.
4:12 Blah, blah, blah.
4:32 You wandering mongrel! Get out of my mum and pup operation.
4:43 Simpson, this is Sylvia Winfield. That canine of yours is in my pool again.
4:47 I'm calling a dog warden right now. Oh, are you?
4:51 Well, you go ahead and call your precious dog warden, you old battle axe,
4:56 because my dog is tied up in the backyard.
4:59 There's only one family on this block, no, on earth,
5:03 inconsiderate enough to let a monster like that roam free.
5:07 Are you losing your hearing or are you just stupid?
5:11 I am going to explain this to you one more time and then I'm going to hang up on you.
5:16 It is not my dog.
5:19 I tied my dog outside my self.
5:24 I am looking at him right now.
5:31 Well, how do we do, Simpson?
5:33 Getting a little exercise, huh? Good for you, pal.
5:36 Oh, look at this old rascal. He's a wet old baby boy, isn't he?
5:40 Isn't he? You're just a water monster. Well, well.
5:43 Mr. Universe takes a walk. Ha, ha.
5:47 Mr. Universe, I wish. Look at that kid of heavy hands, achy weights,
5:52 that's cute, and...
5:55 ...assassins! Oh, you betcha.
5:57 You know, they got the Velcro straps, a water pump in the tongue,
6:00 built-in pedometer, reflective sidewalls, and little vanity license plates.
6:04 How much, how much, how much? Well, you know, they're not giving them away.
6:08 But sometimes you've just got to spoil yourself.
6:11 Yeah.
6:12 Oh, my heart rate's dropping. Better skedaddle-y-doo.
6:15 Pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft.
6:19 Ahhhh.
6:21 Discoloration of the saliva glands. Oh, dear.
6:24 The swelling of the parotids. I know it.
6:27 Yeah, looks like little Elise has the mumps.
6:29 I guess you'll be missing a week of school, young lady.
6:31 Oh, no. I don't want to fall behind my class.
6:35 Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
6:37 Oh, such responsibility for such a little girl.
6:40 What's your favorite subject? Arithmetic.
6:42 Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Oh, arithmetic.
6:45 Now, before you know it, you will be back among your polygons, your hypotenuse,
6:49 and your Euclidean algorithms.
6:51 Now, you get a rest and have yourself a worry-pump.
6:57 Yo.
6:58 Hi, Lisa. What's wrong?
7:01 The mom's?
7:02 Ooh, the kissing disease.
7:04 My little girl is growing up.
7:08 Yuck. Quit it, Dad.
7:09 So, what does my little girl want?
7:12 What? What?
7:13 Let me write this down.
7:15 Copies of Teen Dream, Teen Scream,
7:20 and Teen Steam Magazine?
7:24 Well, okay, you're the sickie. Goodbye, Lisa.
7:28 Hey, Lenny, I need to leave early. Cover for me, will you?
7:31 Hey, sure thing, Homer.
7:39 Well, Lisa, here it is. The Bouvier family quilt.
7:45 Wow, neat.
7:47 It smells historic.
7:52 For five generations, women in our family have each added a square to it.
7:57 Now it's your turn.
7:58 Oh, but I don't know how to sew. Oh, yes, you do.
8:01 You just don't know it. The memory of a million drop stitches flows in your veins.
8:10 Very impressive.
8:12 You try it.
8:14 Ow! You just need to develop a callus.
8:20 You see?
8:21 Now that's a sewing finger, honey.
8:29 Oh, man.
8:31 Two dollars.
8:32 Uh, I'll take these three.
8:35 They're for my daughter.
8:38 Should I?
8:39 White guy.
8:42 Huh?
8:45 Assassins.
8:47 Oh, 125 bucks.
8:50 Sometimes you gotta spoil yourself. Spoil yourself.
8:53 Spoil yourself. But I can't afford to...
8:55 Simpson, I ordered you to buy those shoes!
8:57 Okay, Blanders, you're divorced.
8:59 This one's mine. Keep on truckin'? What does that mean?
9:04 I didn't know then, and I don't know now.
9:07 There's your stupid homework.
9:09 Ooh, phonics.
9:11 Functions, vocabulary, remedial reading.
9:15 Oh, do your own homework, Bart. No!
9:18 Here's your magazine.
9:19 How many of these guys are named Cory?
9:22 Eight, thanks, Dad. Whoa, assassins! Yep, read them and weep.
9:27 Those are very elaborate sneakers.
9:29 They better be for $125 big ones.
9:32 $125?
9:33 Bart! Ah, Homer! No! I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases.
9:38 Well, you bought all those smoke alarms and we haven't had a single fire.
9:43 A manhunt, or should I say a womanhunt, is on...
9:47 You know, Joe, yours is the only show I'll do.
9:53 As an actor, my eyeballs need to look their whitest.
9:59 It's a penalty kick for...
10:35 Oh Homer, there seems to be a lot of good obedience schools here.
10:40 Oh school radio, that's your answer for everything.
10:46 Hmm.
10:49 Oh, this one looks very reputable.
10:56 What lovely handwriting.
10:58 Have a toffee.
10:59 Such a new job. Have at them. Well done.
11:04 Now, if I could borrow Satan's little helper.
11:07 Santa's little helper.
11:10 Ladies and gentlemen, most of you already know that with a little love and compassion,
11:15 any puppy will grow up to be a cuddly little bundle of joy.
11:19 Stop and nonsense taught by charlatans and learned by bloody twits.
11:24 Let me tell you the two most important words you will ever hear in your life.
11:29 Choke change. You raise a dog the same way you would raise a child,
11:33 with simple or authoritative commands.
11:36 Lay down!
11:37 Followed by immediate correction.
11:41 How can we tell if we're doing this maneuver effectively?
11:44 The dog's eyes will cross and his tongue will protrude and change color ever so slightly.
11:50 Is my dog dead, ma'am?
11:51 You don't know how often I've asked that.
11:54 Choke chain is a misnomer.
11:55 Trust me, they are always breathing.
11:58 Jack, I think the baby might be yours Oh, I'm sure it is,
12:02 doll face But I'd like to see you prove it You treat me like garbage
12:06 That's because that's the way you love it, baby
12:12 Gee, is it always this good?
12:14 Oh,
12:15 I don't know I just dip in and out I'm only watching today Because Brandy is coming out of
12:20 her coma And she knows the phony prince's body Is hidden in the boathouse
12:25 That dog!
12:26 Bad dog Don't worry, Snowball.
12:29 Blah, blah, blah, blah.
12:33 Mom, what will we do if Santa's little helper doesn't learn anything in obedience school?
12:38 I don't know.
12:41 Father McGrath, I thought you were dead.
12:44 I was.
12:58 There are two ways for a dog to relieve himself.
13:01 One is like a faithful friend and partner for life.
13:03 The other is like a hose without a fireman.
13:06 Which way do you think that was, Mr. Simpson?
13:09 Like a hose, your wrinkled highness.
13:13 Uh,
13:16 I changed my mind. I decided I don't want these shoes.
13:18 Hey, wait a minute. What happened here? Well,
13:20 my faithful dog was bringing me my shoes, and they fell apart in his mouth.
13:25 I'm sorry, sir. I warrant he doesn't cover fire theft or acts of dog.
13:33 Big cookie.
13:35 Aloha. Aloha. Would you like a free sample?
13:37 The price is right.
13:39 Hmm.
13:40 Ooh.
13:40 Michael McAmy and Nut.
13:43 If you'd like to buy some, they're only a dollar each.
13:46 Oh, so that's your little plan.
13:48 Get us addicted, then jack up the price.
13:52 Well, you win.
13:55 Property of Homer J.
14:01 Simpson.
14:02 Hands off.
14:16 Look, Mom, I finished my patch.
14:19 It depicts the two greatest musical influences in my life.
14:23 On the left is Mr. Largo, my music teacher at school.
14:27 He taught me that even the noblest concerto can be drained of its beauty and soul.
14:32 And on the right is Bleeding Gums Murphy.
14:34 He taught me that music is like a fire in your belly that comes out of your mouth.
14:39 So you better stick an instrument in front of it.
14:41 And look.
15:03 Come on, Homer. I want you to see what your sick little girl did.
15:11 My quilt!
15:13 Six generations ruined!
15:15 Now, Marge, honey, honey, honey.
15:19 Come on.
15:20 Come on, don't get upset. Dad, it's not the end of the world.
15:24 We all love that quilt, but you can't get too attached to...
15:28 No!
15:29 My cookie!
15:33 This is not happening. This is not happening!
15:39 Everybody in the kitchen, we're having a family meeting.
15:42 We never had a family meeting before.
15:44 We never had a problem with a family member we can give away before.
15:48 Oh, what are you saying?
15:49 I'm saying that his father's father is better than his father.
15:57 No way! You can't give my dog away! I'll set fire to my hair,
16:01 I'll rip up all my clothes, I'll put sugar in the gas tank!
16:03 I've suffered as much as anyone at the paws of this dog.
16:06 But when I look into his vacant brown eyes, I just can't bear to let him go.
16:12 I'm sure Mom agrees with me.
16:14 No, I'm afraid I agree with your father.
16:17 You do?
16:20 Homer, please.
16:21 It's not just the quilt.
16:23 He's a nice dog, but he chews up everything.
16:25 He doesn't obey. He's not even housebroken.
16:27 And we've spent all this money on an obedience school, and I don't see any improvement.
16:32 All right, all right.
16:32 He's sent his little helper studies real hard and passes his finals and becomes a perfect
16:36 dog.
16:37 Can we keep him then? No. Dad!
16:40 This is our pet.
16:42 We can question his integrity and disposition, but we can't question his heart.
16:47 Are you trying to teach us that the way to solve a problem with something you love is to
16:52 throw it away?
16:56 Oh, Lisa, if they're ever going to pull the plug on me,
17:00 I want you in my corner, honey. Oh, all right.
17:04 If he passes obedience school, we can keep him.
17:07 Yay! All right!
17:11 See, boy? It's not so hard.
17:13 Here, roll over.
17:14 Roll over.
17:16 Like this.
17:18 Congratulations, Sonny. You've earned a toffee.
17:21 Oh, thank you. Hey, moldy old maid.
17:24 Homer, can't we place this ad after the dog fails his test?
17:28 No, we have to commit ourselves.
17:30 Now take this down.
17:32 Free to loving home, world's most brilliant dog.
17:36 Says, I love you on command.
17:38 Type, type.
17:41 Now, sit.
17:45 I said sit.
17:47 Um, take a walk.
17:49 Sniff that other dog's butt.
17:51 See?
17:52 He does exactly what I tell him.
17:54 Oh, no, we'd never give him away.
17:56 But we're moving to another country where dogs are forbidden.
18:00 Hear what?
18:01 Oh, sure.
18:02 Come here, boy. Put that prowler down. Come here.
18:05 Come on, boy.
18:08 Say it, boy. Say I love you for the nice man.
18:11 I love you! Good dog!
18:13 Good doggy!
18:15 Isn't that amazing?
18:16 See you soon.
18:17 Woo-hoo!
18:19 A lot of you think your dogs have mastered the stay command.
18:22 Let's see if they can stay away from this beef wellington.
18:26 Now, stay.
18:31 Stay, boy. Stay.
18:33 Stay.
18:38 We'd be very happy at my farm. You know, people think only mules can pull carts.
18:44 Impatient people think that, but patient people know better.
18:48 Uh, you could pick him up tomorrow.
18:54 Miss Winthrop, I was thinking.
19:00 Oh, dear.
19:02 Since you get paid either way, would it be a big deal to just let my dog pass?
19:08 I see. Rubber stamp, thank you very much.
19:11 Next in line.
19:12 Is that it? Yeah.
19:13 Heavens to Murgatroyd.
19:15 But perhaps I cling to the old ways like a well-chewed shoe,
19:20 as the traditions I was weaned on are put to sleep or neutered one by one.
19:26 But my time has not passed yet.
19:30 The world does not need another college graduate who doesn't know how to sit.
19:35 He'll sit. He'll sit. Come on, boy. Sit.
19:39 Sit.
19:40 Blah, blah.
19:42 Pull the chain.
19:43 Huh?
19:44 Correct the dog.
19:46 I don't want to strangle my dog. Pull the bloody chain, boy!
19:55 I'm sorry, boy.
19:56 I can't help being dumb.
19:59 Hmm. What are you doing, dear?
20:00 Sewing a new quilt.
20:02 You know, it's one thing to be a link in a chain.
20:04 It's another to start one of your own.
20:07 This patch commemorates the destruction of the old quilt.
20:11 Wow, you certainly captured the moment.
20:17 Come on, boy.
20:18 Sit!
20:25 Oh, man! No part, he's not going to learn it now.
20:28 Don't spend your last hours together tormenting the poor creature.
20:32 Have some fun. Frolick with him.
20:36 Go get it, boy.
20:59 I'm gonna miss you, boy.
21:02 I thought we were gonna be pals forever.
21:06 But we're gonna have to say goodbye
21:09 Because you don't understand a single word I say If you just knew how important it was to
21:14 learn blah blah sit
21:18 Wait a minute, you did it
21:21 Blah blah blah blah blah blah Lay down
21:26 Shake hands
21:29 Stay
21:31 Speak All right, good boy.
21:35 Roll over.
21:38 You son of a bitch.
21:41 Good show.
21:48 All right, Jake.
22:04 Thank you.
23:05 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Grampa Simpson, Ned Flanders, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Dr. Hibbert, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Jasper Beardsley, Martin Prince, Santa's Little Helper, Snowball II, Sam, Bernice Hibbert, Gareth Prince, Dewey Largo, Gloria Prince, Troy McClure, Bleeding Gums Murphy, White-Haired Girl, Marvin Monroe, Yendor, Bubbles, Jacques, Sylvia Winfield, Curious Bear Cub, Lucille Botzcowski, Dr. Hibbert's Second Son, JJ Hibbert, Julius Hibbert's Second Daughter, Joshua and Amber's Mom, Emily Winthrop, Margarita, Bowl-O-Rama Clerk, Duff Beer Advertiser, Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilon, Dr. Hibbert's First Daughter

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character