Brush with Greatness

The Simpsons, season 2, episode 18. First aired April 11, 1991. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Old Money Lisa's Substitute → The whole episode as text

From “Brush with Greatness”: “Eyewitnesses estimate the man's weight at somewhere between four and five hundred pounds.” — Eyewitnesses estimate the man's weight at somewhere between four and five hundred pounds.

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About the episode

After Homer gets wedged in a Mt. Splashmore water slide and starts a diet, Bart finds the Ringo Starr portraits Marge painted as a teenager. Marge joins Professor Lombardo's painting class, takes first prize at the college art show, and is hired to paint Mr. Burns. When Burns mocks Homer's weight, she throws him out, and a long-delayed letter from Ringo inspires her to paint Burns naked and feeble.

Written by: Brian K. Roberts
Directed by: Jim Reardon
Guest stars: Ringo Starr; Jon Lovitz as Lombardo
Chalkboard gag: I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
Couch gag: Tipping Sidewards Couch
Production code: 7F18

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

371 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:05 The Simpsons
0:55 live from mount splashmore the Tri-County Area's funnest water recreation facility.
1:00 It's the Krusty the Clown Show. Hey, kids!
1:06 You know,
1:07 today's the last day of our special week on location at fabulous Mount
1:13 Splashmore. And I just want to say,
1:15 the people here have been super to me in Sideshow Mel.
1:19 The food, the grog. Oh,
1:21 they threw us a brunch yesterday with fresh fruit and the most delicious melon.
1:26 Oh, he ate the wheat plots. And of course,
1:27 the thing I'm going to miss most is those special, special Mount Splashmore water slides.
1:33 God bless them. So much fun. So many memories.
1:36 Give me a minute.
1:37 It has been a great week, hasn't it, Elise?
1:39 I hope all you kids come out this weekend and really pack this place just to show them how
1:45 grateful I am. I told them you would.
1:47 Don't make me a liar.
1:50 Okay, kids, it's time to... Rune along with Frosty!
2:27 Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No.
2:31 No!
2:32 No! No! Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?
2:35 No! If I take you, will you two shut up and quit bugging me?
2:40 Yeah.
2:41 Of course.
2:42 Well, will you take us to Mount Splashmore?
2:44 Yes! Thanks, Dad.
2:46 Come on, Homer. Get the lead out.
2:53 Oh, jeez.
2:56 Boomer, that suit doesn't leave much to the imagination.
3:02 Heads up, kids. I'm moving the seat back.
3:04 It is back.
3:15 All right, everybody stick together. We don't want to get separa...
3:20 Don't!
3:21 Challenge the raging waters of death.
3:23 Day to discover what water is really made of.
3:26 8, 2, 1.
3:32 Whoa, all right, no line.
3:37 Ay, caramba.
3:40 Okay, Elise, turn on the waterworks, babe.
3:44 Mommy, I want my mommy.
3:47 Step aside, come on.
3:48 Spread out, spread out, lost kid, coming through.
3:50 Look out, that's so... coming through, coming through, pardon me,
3:52 moving to the front of the line.
3:54 Hey, Elise, nice work, babe.
4:03 No, Maggie, stay in the shallow end.
4:09 What the hell with this?
4:10 Slide inspector, control, please move to the right.
4:13 Grab the handrail, young man. Out of my way.
4:15 I'm here for your safety.
4:16 God bless that man.
4:18 Oh, my God.
4:30 Bitches!
4:35 Hey!
4:37 What?
4:38 Yes!
4:38 Come on, you stupid tooth!
4:41 Hm. Looks like there's a jam in Delta's a second.
4:44 Well, it's too big to be human.
4:45 I'll send down a few kids, that, you dislodged it.
4:48 I can come back. Roger.
5:09 Eyewitnesses estimate the man's weight at somewhere between four and five hundred pounds.
5:13 And now on the lighter side of the news, and I use the term loosely.
5:18 No, the slide is perfectly safe. This was an isolated intro.
5:23 I understand that, Krusty. Krusty,
5:24 isn't that exactly what you said right before the recall of tainted Krusty brand
5:28 mayonnaise? Now, Kent, you know that question is out of bounds.
5:31 This interview's over. Krusty!
5:33 Alright, family.
5:35 I want the truth.
5:36 Don't pull any punches.
5:39 Am I just a little bit overweight?
5:43 Well, am I? Forgive us, Dad, but it takes time to properly sugarcoat a response.
5:48 No!
5:57 Oh, 437!
5:59 150 pounds! Oh, my God! 350!
6:02 I said 150!
6:04 Oh!
6:05 Oh, my God! It's 260 pounds!
6:09 I'm a big, fat pig!
6:12 Now, Homer, you two have big bones.
6:15 Marge, no one gains 30 pounds of bone.
6:20 I'm going on a diet.
6:21 From this day forward, I pledge there will be no pork chop too succulent,
6:25 no donut too tasty,
6:27 no pizza too laden with delicious toppings to prevent me from reaching my scientifically
6:33 determined ideal weight.
6:35 As God is my witness, I'll always be hungry again.
6:42 DON'T SHUT UP!
6:47 This old attic's kinda spooky, isn't it, boy?
6:50 I said, isn't it, boy?
6:54 Don't ever do that to me again! Okay.
6:57 DON'T!
6:58 Get away from that thing and help me find my athletic equipment!
7:02 Hey, Homer, I found your weights! Oh, the glutamous maximizer.
7:07 Hey, who's the mop top with the big schnoz?
7:09 Don't you know anything, boy? That's Ringo Starr.
7:13 What is this?
7:14 Hey, your mother must have painted this.
7:18 I guess she thought he was kind of cute.
7:20 What?
7:21 Hey!
7:22 What the?
7:25 No, Homer, don't be jealous.
7:27 I was a schoolgirl. The Beatles were very popular, and I had a crush on them.
7:30 I like the story.
7:33 Oh, why did I have to start my diet on pork chop night?
7:37 Now, Homer, we've got steamed vegetables and rice cakes for you.
7:42 Well, wait a minute.
7:43 Well, hey, I've been setting my drinks on these things.
7:46 Well, they're only 35 calories apiece.
7:51 Hello? Hello?
7:52 Hello, Chase?
7:54 Where are you? You can put a little something on top for flavor.
7:57 Hey, now you're talking.
7:59 Hey, Mom, these paintings are good.
8:01 While I know firsthand how fragile young talent is,
8:04 I'd love to hear the particulars of how your gift was squashed.
8:09 Well...
8:10 No, not another portrait of that bongo-beating liver puddle-ian.
8:14 But Mr. Schindler, I... Someone might have used this canvas to create a masterpiece.
8:19 Instead, you've soiled it forever.
8:21 Now this is art. Thank you, Mr. Schindler.
8:25 Oh, Mom, I can't believe you gave up painting because of one small-minded art teacher.
8:30 I was so upset,
8:32 I decided to send the portrait to the only man on Earth whose opinion I could really
8:35 trust.
8:37 And what was Ringo's response?
8:38 Mmm, I never got any. And I never painted again.
8:42 Maybe you could take a class at Springfield Community College.
8:45 I think it's a very nice idea.
8:47 Don't you, Homer? Do I have to do anything?
8:49 No. Great, fine, donuts!
8:53 Mmm, only 35 calories.
9:00 Oh, hello, Mrs. Homer. Ah, Poo, what are you doing here?
9:04 I'm just enrolled in a screenwriting class.
9:06 I yearn to tell the story of an idealistic young Hindu pushed too far by convenience store
9:11 bandits.
9:12 I call it Hands Off My Jerky Turkey. Clever title.
9:16 Oh, thank you. Actually, my brother Sanjay thought of it.
9:19 Next up. My mother would like to enroll in Painting From Life 2B, please.
9:23 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast there, Pine Size.
9:25 I'm afraid no one can enroll until Professor Lombardo personally inspects and approves
9:29 their portfolio.
9:30 Lisa, this was a bad idea.
9:34 Ah, very good.
9:37 Fabulous.
9:38 Oh, even better.
9:40 You have real talent.
9:41 Do you really think so? My high school art teacher hated them.
9:45 What? The man was a fool. But still, one must admire the force of his conviction.
9:50 That I'm in the class?
9:51 Oh, my dear, there couldn't be a class without you.
9:54 Now, if you'll excuse me, nature calls.
9:58 Marvelous!
10:01 Stupid lights.
10:04 The heavy hands don't work unless you move, Homer I can't move, boy Oh, really?
10:13 Now,
10:14 using the Lombardo method You learn to see everyday objects as a simple grouping of
10:20 geometrical shapes Here, we see how two concentric circles, various trapezoids,
10:25 ellipses And yes,
10:27 even a rhombus can create an adorable little bunny rabbit It's just that
10:33 easy.
10:39 Lincoln, Lincoln, I've been thinking, what the hell have you been drinking?
10:43 Is it water? Is it wine? Oh my gosh, it's nervous time!
10:47 Red pepper!
10:48 Go, go, go, go!
10:59 Bravo!
11:00 Walk away from it. Now it belongs to the agents.
11:03 You!
11:03 Not another stroke. Oh, well, maybe one more.
11:05 That's it! Perfect!
11:08 Mmm, indeed.
11:10 Marge, you find the inner beauty of your subject and bring it out for all to see.
11:14 Well, thank you, Professor Lombardo. Well, you're welcome, my dear.
11:17 Marge, walk with me.
11:19 Hmm.
11:20 Marge,
11:21 they've asked me to submit the best painting from my class to the Springfield Art Exhibition
11:26 next week. I've decided to choose your bald Adonis.
11:31 Really?
11:32 You're so supportive. I wish every teacher was like you.
11:35 Marge, please.
11:36 I don't take praise very well.
11:39 Oh, another triumph.
11:50 Hmm.
11:54 Yes.
11:55 I can't believe it!
12:00 I'm a work of art! Last supper, eat your heart out.
12:07 Garbage!
12:08 What matchbook art school did you flunk out of, you ham-fisted, nearsighted house painter?
12:13 Smithers, throw this on the dung heap! I'm sorry, this isn't working out.
12:16 I quit. Well, Smithers, I guess that's what you call your artistic temperament.
12:20 Sir,
12:20 I must remind you that the dedication of the Burns wing of the museum is only six days
12:25 away. Damnation, Smithers,
12:26 this idea of yours to immortalize me in a portrait was as half-baked as your idea about me
12:31 having children.
12:32 Smithers, find me an artist. Sir,
12:34 I'm afraid you've systematically alienated Springfield's entire art community.
12:38 The only one left is this Mrs. Homer Simpson.
12:41 Who?
12:41 Well, she won first prize in the Springfield Art Fair,
12:44 and as the wife of an employee, she'll be easily intimidated.
12:46 Excellent.
12:47 Once again,
12:48 the wheel has turned and Dame Fortune has hugged Montgomery Burns to her sweet,
12:54 perfumed bosom. Somebody up there likes me, Smithies.
12:57 Somebody down here likes you too, sir. Shut up!
13:09 Don't!
13:10 Woo!
13:11 Don't! Woo!
13:13 Don't! Woo! Don't!
13:14 Woo! Woo!
13:18 2.49!
13:19 Yeah!
13:20 Wah! Wah!
13:21 March!
13:22 Look at me.
13:24 My clothes are just hanging off me. Oh, that's wonderful, isn't it, kids?
13:28 Pass the mood juice. Kids, remember what I told you about showing a little support?
13:31 Way to go, Dad! You look marvelous.
13:34 Oh, what a family.
13:36 Hey, what gives? These donuts are piling up.
13:39 Homer Simpson went on a diet.
13:41 Oh, my God. and I just bought a boat.
13:53 Well, don't people answer the door these days?
13:56 Allow me, sir.
13:57 Open up!
14:00 Mr. Burns? Oh, would you like to come in?
14:03 Mr. Burns would like to commission you to do a portrait of him.
14:06 Have you ever painted the rich and powerful?
14:08 I don't know.
14:09 Just Ringo Starr. Ring-go?
14:12 He was the drummer for a rock and roll combo called The Beatles, sir.
14:15 Beatles, eh?
14:16 Oh, yes. I seem to remember their off-key caterwauling on the old Sullivan show.
14:21 What was it thinking?
14:22 Mrs. Simpson, this commission and all of its glory can be yours.
14:27 But first, you must look me straight in the eye and answer one simple question.
14:30 Okay, shoot. Can you make me beautiful?
14:34 I don't think that will be a problem.
14:36 I'm no matinee idol, you know. Well, maybe not,
14:39 but I have the gift of being able to see inner beauty.
14:42 Mrs. Simpson, you may immortalize me.
14:46 Ah, sir.
14:48 At last the world will see you as I always have.
14:50 Yes, yes, yes. Now don't be stingy with the blush, Smithers.
14:53 Eh.
14:57 Now you, paint!
15:01 Honey, I'm home! Oh, there's an original sentiment.
15:05 Take it outside, Simpson.
15:06 I'm male modeling.
15:08 I'm painting his portrait, Homer. Oh, isn't that wonderful?
15:12 My work and my home life come together in such a nice way.
15:17 Mark, may I see you in the other room?
15:19 Honey, he's nuts. He thinks he's handsome.
15:20 Please, you've got to make him look handsome.
15:22 Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.
15:24 Now, Homer, don't worry. All I need to do is find Mr.
15:27 Burns' inner beauty.
15:32 What were you like as a boy, Mr. Burns?
15:35 Did you have a dog that you loved?
15:37 Well, there's something on my leg. Get it off.
15:40 Get it off. Mr. Burns, she's just a baby.
15:46 All right. All right. Oh, talk to funny pages.
15:50 So Ziggy goes to the repair shop, and there's a sign on the doorbell reading,
15:54 out of order.
15:56 Ah, Ziggy, will you ever win?
16:02 Oh, my!
16:04 If you'll excuse me, I'm changing for a board meeting.
16:07 I'm so sorry, Mr. Burns.
16:10 Hey, Mom, did he have those spots all over his body?
16:12 I heard that. Oops. Would you feel more comfortable if I left too, sir?
16:16 Of course not, Smithers. You're like a doctor.
16:21 Smithers! I want my tea!
16:23 Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around like that?
16:26 Oh, actually, I value every second we're together.
16:29 From the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning till I tuck him in at night.
16:33 He's not just my boss. He's my best friend, too.
16:37 Bah!
16:37 Too hot! You're right, sir.
16:39 It's scalding me as we speak.
16:45 Dear Sally, in response to your letter of December the 12th, 1966,
16:50 me favorite color is blue, and me real first name is Richard.
16:54 Thanks for the snapshot. You're a real cute bird.
16:57 Love, Ringo.
16:58 P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply. Mr.
17:01 Star, Tee and Crumpets. Just said it over there.
17:03 Sir, if you're forgiven over it for his impertinence,
17:06 your devotion to your fans is nothing short of remarkable.
17:09 Well, Weatherby, they took the time to write me,
17:12 and I don't care if it takes me another 20 years.
17:14 I'm going to answer every one of them.
17:17 Hello.
17:18 What's this?
17:20 From Springfield, USA.
17:23 Yeah.
17:30 Will you cease that infernal tootling? I was just practicing.
17:34 Mr. Burns,
17:35 it's hard to discover your inner beauty while you're shouting at an eight-year-old girl.
17:39 You've only got two days left, so I'd advise you to shut up and paint!
17:43 All right, scale.
17:44 You don't like me and I don't like you. But I've been very good,
17:47 so you better treat me right.
17:49 All right! Whoa!
17:52 Whoa!
17:54 March!
17:54 I'm 239 and I'm feeling fine.
17:57 Look, I'm using the original notches that came with my bell.
18:00 That's wonderful, Homer. I'm so proud of you.
18:03 Let me get this straight.
18:05 You're pleased with your current appearance?
18:08 Oh, why, my good man, you're the fattest thing I've ever seen.
18:12 And I've been on safari.
18:15 If you need me, I'll be in the refrigerator.
18:17 No!
18:20 Mr. Burns, I've had enough of your posing.
18:23 I can finish the portrait myself.
18:26 Thank goodness.
18:27 Another day in this suburban nightmare, and I would have needed half a white valium.
18:30 Thank you for your gracious hospitality.
18:32 See you at the unveiling.
18:38 Homer, what are you doing? Give me that.
18:40 No, Burns is right. What's the use? Don't you listen to him.
18:44 He's just a mean little SOB.
18:46 Oh, Mars. I thought there was some good in everybody until I met him.
18:51 Yeah, well, just as long as you paint a nice picture of him by noon tomorrow.
18:53 I don't think I can. Marge? Marge, you have to.
18:56 I can't make that man beautiful. I'm just not good enough.
18:59 I guess I'm no artist.
19:02 Hello. What's this?
19:04 It's for you, Marge, from merry old England.
19:07 From the desk of Ringo Starr. Dear Marge, thanks for the fab painting of yours truly.
19:13 I hung it on me wall. You're quite an artist.
19:16 In answer to your question, yes, we do have hamburgers and fries in England,
19:21 but we call French fries chips.
19:24 Love, Ringo.
19:25 P.S.
19:26 Forgive the lateness of my reply.
19:29 Come on, Marge Payne. I think you can do it.
19:33 Okay, Homer.
19:34 If you think I can.
19:46 But only the vows you can even play them easy.
20:03 Friends, art lovers, security personnel,
20:07 today is a red-letter day for the Springfield Palace of Fine Arts.
20:10 A new wing for our museum. Ooh,
20:13 and a portrait commemorating the man who ponied up the duel.
20:18 Ladies and gentlemen, may I invite you to behold Montgomery Burns.
20:27 Smithies.
20:34 I don't care for this at all.
20:40 Um, hello.
20:42 My name is Marge Simpson, and I painted this.
20:47 Maybe you'd like to know what possessed me to do it.
20:50 Well, I guess I wanted to show that beneath Mr.
20:55 Burns' fearsome head with its cruel lips, spiteful tongue,
21:00 and evil brain, there was a frail, withered body,
21:04 perhaps not long for this world,
21:07 as vulnerable and beautiful as any of God's creatures.
21:12 Hmm?
21:16 Provocative, but powerful.
21:19 He's bad, but he'll die. So I like it.
21:22 Hmm.
21:23 Marge, a word, please?
21:26 You know, I'm no art critic, but I know what I hate.
21:31 And I don't hate this.
21:33 Your painting is bold, but beautiful.
21:36 And incidentally, thanks for not making fun of my genitalia.
21:41 I thought I did.
22:14 Thank you.
22:50 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Grampa Simpson, Barney Gumble, Krusty the Clown, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier, Santa's Little Helper, Miss Hoover, Snowball II, Sideshow Mel, Adrian Belew, Sophie Jensen, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Buck-toothed girl, Lewis' lookalike, Boy with shades, Black Weasel, Coward, Abraham Lincoln, J. Loren Pryor, Scott Christian, Ms. Mellon, Howard, Blinky, Drummer, Kim, Ringo Starr, Lombardo, Mr. Schindler, Poseidon

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character