Lisa's Substitute

The Simpsons, season 2, episode 19. First aired April 25, 1991. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

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From “Lisa's Substitute”: “I need someone very reliable to deliver an important message to the principal's office.” — I need someone very reliable to deliver an important message to the principal's office.

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About the episode

When Miss Hoover leaves school believing she has Lyme disease, substitute teacher Mr. Bergstrom wins Lisa over, while Homer bumbles through a museum visit in front of him. Bergstrom soon departs by train, leaving Lisa a note reading "You are Lisa Simpson," and Homer must comfort his grieving daughter. Meanwhile, Bart loses the class presidency to Martin Prince, whose two votes are the only ones cast.

Written by: Jon Vitti
Directed by: Rich Moore
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel; Dustin Hoffman as Mr. Bergstrom
Couch gag: Missing Couch
Production code: 7F19

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

398 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:04 The Simpsons
0:30 a bottle of drain cleaner by mistake. I heard she fell down the well.
0:35 Come on now.
0:37 God, she's been dumped again.
0:39 Children, I won't be staying long. I just came from the doctor and I have Lyme disease.
0:45 Principal Skinner will run the class until a substitute arrives.
0:48 What's Lyme disease?
0:49 I'll field that one. Lyme disease is spread by small parasites called ticks.
0:54 When a disease tick attaches itself to you and begins sucking your blood,
0:57 Malignant spirochetes infest your bloodstream,
0:59 eventually spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain.
1:02 The brain, oh dear God.
1:05 Come on, Elizabeth. Come on down.
1:07 Well now, children, here we are.
1:10 Open your primers to page 32.
1:13 Ah, subtraction.
1:16 Bart Simpson, I know it's you.
1:21 And here comes Snowball 2. This is the one we kept.
1:23 Eww!
1:25 We were gonna keep the gray one, but the mother ate her.
1:27 Eww!
1:28 This is Trabapple. He's traumatizing the children.
1:31 As usual, I agree with you, Martin. Bart, shut that off and take your seat immediately.
1:35 Oh, look, this is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make him go back in.
1:39 Aaaaaah!
1:44 No, children, you're not seeing things.
1:46 This, my little friends, is a schwa.
1:49 Gah!
1:54 Are you the substitute? Yes, sir. Yes, I am.
1:57 Are you insane? No, sir. No, I'm not. It's my way of getting their attention.
2:00 Well, all right.
2:02 Play friendly with your new teacher, children.
2:05 Howdy. I am a Texas cowboy.
2:07 The year is 1830. You young'uns ask me any questions you like.
2:10 Can we play kickball instead of science after lunch?
2:13 Kickball? Son, there ain't no kickball in 1830.
2:16 Any other questions?
2:18 Shoot, it's awfully quiet on the plains here.
2:20 Well, how about this? Everybody,
2:22 I want to see two eyes on every single person staring right at me right now.
2:25 There are three things wrong with my costume.
2:28 Anybody names those three things will get my hat.
2:31 I believe I know the answer.
2:33 Well, what's your name? Lisa Simpson. Well, go ahead, Miss Simpson.
2:37 Um, one, your belt buckle says State of Texas, but Texas wasn't a state until 1845.
2:42 Very good.
2:44 Two, the revolver wasn't invented until 1835.
2:47 That's excellent. Three, you seem to be of the Jewish faith.
2:50 Are you sure I'm Jewish? Or Italian. I'm Jewish.
2:52 And there weren't any Jewish cowboys. Very good.
2:54 That's excellent. And I'm also wearing a digital watch, but I'll accept that.
2:57 Here you go, little lady. And for the record, there were a few Jewish cowboys,
3:01 ladies and gentlemen. Big guys who were great shots and spent money freely.
3:04 I'm Mr. Bergstrom. Feel free to make fun of my name if you want.
3:07 Two suggestions are Mr. Nerdstrom and Mr.
3:10 Boogerstrom.
3:13 Boys and girls, today we will begin selecting a class president.
3:17 I'm not allowed to vote, but I strongly suggest you elect Martin.
3:21 Martin.
3:21 As your president,
3:23 I would demand a science fiction library featuring an ABC of the
3:28 overlords of the genre.
3:31 Asimov, Mr.
3:32 Clark. Well, what about Ray Bradbury? I'm aware of his work.
3:36 Thank you, and keep watching the skies.
3:41 Excellent. Excellent.
3:42 Martin.
3:43 If you're through with your pemmican, why don't we sing a song?
3:47 about cowboys.
3:49 Now, this one's not very accurate, but we can fix it up as we go along.
3:52 Okay?
3:54 Home, home on the range.
3:58 Actually, the range was far from home.
4:00 It was a very desolate place where danger and disease rode tall on the saddle.
4:04 Where the deer and the antelope play.
4:09 But unlike the efficient Indians,
4:11 cowboys used only the tongue of the antelope and they threw the rest away.
4:16 Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
4:22 And the skies are not cloudy all day
4:27 Hey, what's this?
4:29 Did you do it? No, no, it wasn't me. I would never do anything like that.
4:33 It was just one of those immature people who, instead of building themselves up,
4:36 have to... Oh, that's neat.
4:36 Can I have it? Yes, but I didn't do it. Are you sure you didn't do it?
4:39 It's good. No, but I'm starting to wish I had.
4:42 Ladies and gentlemen, the singing dork.
4:45 Lisa!
4:50 Any other nominations? We nominate Bart Simpson!
4:53 Speech! Speech!
4:55 I had a speech ready, but my dog ate it.
4:58 Children!
4:59 Good Bart!
5:00 I need someone very reliable to deliver an important message to the principal's office.
5:05 Would you do it for me? Why, Mrs. Krabappel,
5:07 how would I know where the principal's office is?
5:13 People, what have I told you about encouraging him?
5:16 When Bart wins approval for making a fool of himself, it makes him think that he's...
5:19 Yay, Bart!
5:28 Nobody of the hundreds of people that had visited the fair
5:33 knew that a gray spider had played the most important part of all.
5:39 But no one was with her when she died.
5:47 Come on, Janie.
5:48 Everybody has a talent.
5:50 I want to see yours, that's all. I don't have a talent.
5:53 You cannot talk like that.
5:54 There has to be something that you can do better than anybody else.
5:57 Well, I can do this.
6:00 Yes, great.
6:02 Okay, how about you, Ralph?
6:04 Wonderful.
6:06 Chuck.
6:08 Oh, that's disgusting.
6:09 I love it.
6:10 Lisa, come on, you're holding out on us.
6:12 I see a saxophone over there. I can't. Come on, Lisa.
6:16 I bet you're good. No, really, I can't. Sure you can.
6:18 Just try.
6:19 Please don't make me do it.
6:21 All right. You owe me something special.
6:28 So, while I'm technically still married,
6:31 there really hasn't been any marriage to speak of since Mr.
6:35 Krabappel moved into his little love nest.
6:37 This profession can put a lot of strain on a marriage.
6:40 Since he's been gone,
6:41 I've been looking for a substitute to teach me a lesson I sorely need.
6:46 Mrs. Krabappel, you're trying to seduce me.
6:50 Well?
6:51 I'm sorry, Mrs.
6:52 Krabappel, you're very nice, but it's the children I love.
6:57 Oh.
7:21 When I fall asleep, Mr. Bergstrom is the last thing I think of,
7:25 and he's my first thought when I wake up.
7:27 I feel that way about your father. No, no, you don't understand.
7:30 And when Mr. Bergstrom smiles, you only see these teeth.
7:33 But when you really make him laugh, you can see these two teeth.
7:36 I think they're called the eye teeth.
7:38 I don't know if he had orthodontic work or what, but they're absolutely perfect.
7:42 I notice little things about your father, too.
7:44 No, Mom, this is different.
7:46 I mean, this man makes you feel like there's nobody better.
7:49 Your father does that to me. Mom, are we going to talk or are we going to talk?
7:53 Lisa, we can talk,
7:54 but first you have to accept the fact that I feel that way about your father.
7:58 Fine.
7:59 Yesterday, he read a Charlotte's Web and cried at the end, never trying to hide his tears.
8:07 The book made him cry.
8:15 Remember, nobody, and I mean nobody,
8:17 gets back in after lunch without one igneous rock that's volcanic and one sedimentary and
8:22 that is layered. Lisa, can I see you for a minute?
8:25 Yes.
8:26 Yes, Mr. Bergstrom? Lisa, your homework is always so neat.
8:29 How can I put this? Does your father help you with it?
8:32 No.
8:33 Homework's not my father's specialty. Well, there's no shame in it.
8:35 I mean, my dad could... Not mine. You didn't let me finish.
8:38 Unless the next word was burp. You didn't have to.
8:41 In a sample taken in this very classroom,
8:44 a state inspector found 1.74 parts per million of asbestos!
8:49 That's not enough. We demand more asbestos!
8:52 More asbestos! More asbestos! More asbestos!
8:55 More asbestos!
8:58 Wow, you made the front page.
9:01 Oh, Dad, it's just a popularity contest.
9:03 Just a popularity contest?
9:05 Excuse me, what's more important than popularity?
9:09 Now, Bart, do you really think you can win?
9:11 Sure, why not? Oh, right, I always knew you had personality.
9:16 The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better.
9:19 President Simpson has a nice ring to it, doesn't it, boy?
9:23 Yeah.
9:24 No, go get him!
9:27 He says there aren't any easy answers. I say, he's not looking hard enough!
9:33 Yay!
10:00 Oh, you'll never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator.
10:04 You're going to miss your brother's antics.
10:06 When? When. When your life takes you places the rest of us have only heard about.
10:10 Places where my intelligence will be an asset, not a liability?
10:13 Yes, there is such a place. Believe me, it's true.
10:15 I believe everything you say. With your words, your body language,
10:19 and your Semitic good looks.
10:21 Dear Miss Hoover, you have Lyme disease.
10:24 We miss you.
10:26 Kevin's biting me. Come back soon.
10:28 Here's a drawing of a spirochete.
10:30 Love, Ralph.
10:31 Oh, that's great, Ralph.
10:34 Hey, kids, I've learned that in two weeks,
10:36 the Springfield Museum of Natural History will be closing forever due to a lack of
10:41 interest.
10:42 I urge you to see it while you can.
10:46 Lisa needs to go to the museum tomorrow, and I think you should take her.
10:51 The museum?
10:52 Tomorrow?
10:53 Oh, oh, why, Marge, I'd love to, but I was planning on...
10:58 Sleeping? Eating a big sandwich? Watching TV?
11:00 Spending time with the boy?
11:02 Spending time with the boy? The boy needs attention, Mark.
11:04 Homer, I've been talking to Lisa, and I'm concerned about your relationship with her.
11:08 Me too, Mom. I think they're drifting apart.
11:10 Shut up, boy. Homer, please.
11:12 Mark, you don't understand. I can't do it because...
11:15 You're trapped.
11:16 If you were smarter, you might think it's something, but you're not,
11:19 so you just might as well... All right, all right, I'll take her.
11:23 Mousy brain.
11:26 Hey, what do you mean by suggested donation?
11:30 You pay any amount you wish, sir. And what if I wish to pay zero?
11:34 Well, it's up to you. Oh, so it's up to me, is it?
11:38 Yes. I see.
11:39 And you think that people are going to pay you $4.50,
11:44 even though they don't have to, just out of the goodness of their...
11:48 Well, anything you say, good luck, lady.
11:52 You're going to need it.
11:53 Mr. Bergstrom!
11:55 Hey, you don't have to pay. Read the sign.
11:58 And this must be your father.
12:01 His teeth had jagged edges to rip through your body,
12:03 but he could have swallowed you whole.
12:05 Wow.
12:07 Actually, Mr. Simpson, they do know a great deal about the process of mummification.
12:11 First,
12:11 they pulled the brain out through the nose with an iron hook and stuffed the insides with
12:14 sawdust and onions. Ew, gross.
12:16 Ooh, pretty creepy.
12:18 Still, I'd rather have him chasing me than the wolf man.
12:21 Oh, Lord.
12:30 Mr. Simpson, I'm going to be presumptuous.
12:32 I have noticed that Lisa seems to feel she has no strong male role model.
12:36 She said that? Well, no, she didn't say it, but, you know, she...
12:39 But you can tell, right?
12:40 She looks around and sees everybody else's dad with a good education, youthful looks,
12:44 and a clean credit record and thinks, Why me?
12:47 What did I do to deserve this fat old piece of...
12:49 Mr. Simpson, you have got to be a bigger man.
12:51 There is a wonderful girl's future at stake.
12:54 Well, if she's so wonderful, give her an A.
12:56 I am giving her an A. Great, but don't tell her it was a favor to me.
12:59 Tell her she earned it. Mr. Simpson, she did earn it.
13:01 You are smooth. I'll give you that.
13:09 You ruined the one chance I had of getting to know Mr.
13:11 Bergstrom outside of school.
13:14 Well, I'll tell you what. Why don't we invite Mr.
13:17 Bergstrom to dinner? Oh, Mom, that's wonderful.
13:21 Can I find out his favorite dish and help you make it?
13:22 Sure. Can I wear your jewelry? Sure. Can I get my ears pierced?
13:25 No. Can I dye my shoes pink? Yes. Can I paint my nails?
13:27 No. Can I have wine? No.
13:30 Does Bart have to be there? Yes. Can we do it this week?
13:33 Mr. Bergstrom, may we request the pleasure of your company?
13:36 No.
13:37 Mr. Bergstrom, if you're not doing anything this Friday...
13:40 No.
13:41 Mr. Bergstrom, do you like pork chops? Oh, no.
13:44 Of course you wouldn't.
13:48 Good morning, Lisa.
13:50 I'm back.
13:56 You see, class, my Lyme disease turned out to be psychosomatic.
14:02 Does that mean you're crazy? No, that means he was faking it.
14:05 No, actually, it was a little of both.
14:07 Sometimes when a disease is in all the magazines and on all the news shows,
14:11 it's only natural that you think you have it.
14:14 Where's Mr. Bergstrom?
14:15 I don't know.
14:16 Although I'd sure like to talk to him. He didn't touch my lesson plan.
14:21 Well, what did he teach you? That life is worth living.
14:26 The polls will be open from now until the end of recess.
14:29 Now, just in case any of you have decided to put any thought into this,
14:33 we'll have our final statements.
14:35 Martin.
14:36 I don't think there's anything left to say.
14:39 Bert. Victory party under the slide!
14:48 Mr.
14:49 Bergstrom?
14:50 Mr.
14:51 Bergstrom! Hey, hey, he moved out this morning.
14:54 He must have a new job. He took his Copernicus costume.
14:56 Do you know where I can find him?
14:58 I think he's taking the next train to Capital City.
15:01 The train. How like him.
15:03 Traditional yet environmentally sound. Yes.
15:06 And it's been the backbone of our country since Leland Stanford drove that golden spike at
15:12 Promontory Point. I see he touched you, too.
15:16 Hey, thanks for your vote, man. I didn't vote.
15:19 Voting's for geeks. Well, you got that right.
15:22 Thanks for your vote, girls.
15:24 We forgot!
15:25 Well, don't sweat it. Just so long as a couple of people did.
15:28 Right, Milhouse? Uh-uh. Lewis?
15:30 Somebody must have voted. What about you, Bart?
15:33 Didn't you vote?
15:34 Uh-oh.
15:38 Yay!
15:41 I demand a recount.
15:44 One for Martin, two for Martin.
15:46 Would you like another recount? No. Well, I just want to make sure.
15:50 one for Martin, two for Martin.
15:53 This way, Mr. President.
15:59 Now boarding on track five, the afternoon delight.
16:02 Mr. Braggstrom!
16:03 Hey, Mr.
16:04 Braggstrom!
16:05 Hey, Lisa!
16:08 Hey, Lisa, indeed.
16:10 What? What is it?
16:11 Well, I mean, were you just gonna leave just like that?
16:17 Oh, I'm sorry, Lisa.
16:19 You know, it's the life of the substitute teacher.
16:22 He's a fraud.
16:23 Today he might be wearing gym shorts.
16:25 Tomorrow he's speaking French or pretending to know how to run a bandsaw or God knows
16:31 what. You can't go.
16:32 You're the best teacher I'll ever have.
16:34 Oh, that's not true. Other teachers will come along.
16:37 Oh, please.
16:38 No, I can't, Lydie. I am the best. But, you know,
16:41 they need me over in the projects of Capital City.
16:43 But I need you, too.
16:45 That's the problem with being middle class.
16:47 anybody who really cares will abandon you for those who need it more i i
16:53 understand
16:55 mr bergstrom i'm gonna miss you
16:59 i'll tell you what whenever you feel like you're
17:05 alone and there's nobody you can rely on this is all you need to know
17:09 thank you mr bergstrom All aboard.
17:14 So, I guess this is it.
17:17 If you don't mind, I'll just run alongside the train as it speeds you from my life.
17:35 Goodbye, Lisa, honey.
17:38 It'll be okay.
17:40 Just read the note.
17:48 Bart didn't get one vote?
17:50 Oh, this is the worst thing that could ever happen to us.
17:54 All right, all right. Spilt milk, spilt milk, spilt milk.
17:57 What are you so mopey about? Nothing. Lisa, tell your father.
18:02 Mr. Bergstrom left today. Oh? He's gone.
18:06 Forever.
18:07 And? I didn't think you'd understand. Hey,
18:10 just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
18:14 I'm glad I'm not crying.
18:17 Because I would hate for you to think that what I'm about to say is based on emotion.
18:22 But you, sir, are a baboon!
18:26 Me?
18:27 Yes, you! Baboon, baboon, baboon, baboon!
18:30 I don't think you realize what you're saying.
18:34 Baboon! Baboon!
18:37 Whoa, somebody was bound to say it one day.
18:39 I just can't believe it was her. Did you hear that, Marge?
18:42 She called me a baboon!
18:45 The stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all!
18:48 Homer, you're not allowed to have hurt feelings right now.
18:51 There's a little girl upstairs who needs you.
18:53 Her confidence in her father is shaken,
18:55 and no little girl can be happy unless she has faith in her daddy.
19:04 Go away.
19:08 Lisa, don't hold anything back. You can tell me.
19:13 Are you crying because you called Daddy a baboon?
19:17 No!
19:18 Nuts.
19:21 This isn't going well at all. Look, if you just want me to forgive you- No, no, no.
19:26 I just wish I knew what to say.
19:30 Although maybe this music will help.
19:33 Now, you lost someone special and it hurts.
19:37 I'm lucky because I never lost anyone special to me.
19:40 Everyone special to me is under this roof.
19:43 It's true.
19:45 Now, you'll have lots of special people in your life, Lisa.
19:49 There's probably some place where they all get together and the food is real good and guys
19:54 like me are serving drinks.
19:57 Oh, well, maybe I can't explain all this, but I can fix your dollhouse for you.
20:02 At least I'm good at monkey work.
20:06 You know, monkey.
20:08 You know what I mean? Yeah. I can hold the nails in place with my tail.
20:18 You're so silly.
20:20 Give me a banana.
20:21 I don't have any bananas. Come on, you're holding out at me.
20:29 I'm sorry I called you a baboon, Dad. Think nothing of it.
20:35 President Prince, President Princess, President Pris.
20:40 Hey, what's the matter, son?
20:43 Oh, Dad.
20:44 If just me, Milhouse, and Lewis had voted.
20:48 Hey, son. Would you have gotten any money for being class president?
20:53 No. Would you have to do extra work? Yeah.
20:56 And is this Martin guy going to get to do anything neat?
20:59 Like throw out the first ball at the World Series?
21:02 Huh? Well, no. So let the baby have his bottle.
21:06 Huh? That's my model.
21:09 Oh.
21:10 Hey, thanks, monkey man.
21:12 Ha ha.
21:14 Holy moly.
21:15 Talk about parenting.
21:20 Uh oh.
21:24 Sleep well, man. Maggie, three for three.
21:30 Homie, did you straighten everything up?
21:33 Don't say anything, Marge.
21:35 Let's just go to bed.
21:36 I'm on the biggest roll of my life.
22:01 Thank you.
22:27 Oh, my God.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Milhouse Van Houten, Krusty the Clown, Principal Skinner, Grampa Simpson, Mrs. Krabappel, Nelson Muntz, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Miss Hoover, Richard, Snowball II, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Nina Skalka, Janey Powell, Adrian Belew, Itchy, Becky Shorter, Sophie Jensen, Buck-toothed boy, Girl with glasses, Long-haired girl, Jaffee Ziswhisky, Lewis' lookalike, Buck-toothed girl, Chuck Berger, Boy with shades, Black Weasel, Wanda, Yellow Weasel, Coward, Smug Girl, Freddy, White-Haired Girl, Abraham Lincoln, Violet Bazaar, Afro Girl, Howard, Brittany, Ralph, Tom Gammel, Mr. Bergstrom

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character