The War of the Simpsons

The Simpsons, season 2, episode 20. First aired May 2, 1991. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Lisa's Substitute Three Men and a Comic Book → The whole episode as text

From “The War of the Simpsons”: “Hey,” — Hey,

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About the episode

After a drunken Homer disgraces himself at their dinner party, ogling Maude Flanders among other offenses, Marge enrolls them in Reverend Lovejoy's weekend marriage retreat at Catfish Lake. Homer secretly packs his fishing gear, hears on the drive about General Sherman, the lake's fabled giant catfish, and when he hooks it, lets it go to prove Marge matters more. At home, Bart runs rings around a babysitting Grampa.

Written by: John Swartzwelder
Directed by: Mark Kirkland
Chalkboard gag: I will not do anything bad ever again.
Couch gag: Homer's Couch
Production code: 7F20

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

392 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:04 The Simpsons
0:33 Let's go.
1:04 No!
1:21 Mmm, horse-doobers.
1:26 Homer, you promised. I promised I wouldn't eat.
1:29 Never.
1:30 You lied. Oh, please. We've never thrown a party.
1:33 Now we're gonna pay back all the friends who've invited us to their homes.
1:36 Never thrown a party?
1:37 What about that big bash we had with all the champagne and musicians and holy men and
1:42 everything? That was our wedding.
1:44 Oh. Children, it's time for you to go to bed.
1:46 But, Mom, I want to hear the witty banter of sophisticated adults.
1:49 Yeah, you can't have any fun in bed.
1:51 Oh, son, when you're older, you'll know better.
1:57 Oh, baby.
2:00 Yeah.
2:01 Oh, they're here.
2:03 How does everything look? How do I look?
2:04 Do we have enough glasses? Do we have enough gag ice cubes?
2:06 Homer, Homer, put a record on it. When are all our friends' names again?
2:08 Children, go.
2:10 Hey, Homer, how are you? Please, come in.
2:12 You look lovely tonight. You're looking swell.
2:14 And the house, you've done... Come in, please.
2:16 Whatever.
2:17 Hey, anybody mind if I serve as bartender?
2:19 I have a PhD in mixology.
2:22 College boy.
2:24 Hey, Homer, care to try some of my Flanders planters punch?
2:27 Why not? I'd pay for it.
2:33 Hey, Flanders, next time, why don't you put a little alcohol in it?
2:35 Au contraire, Simpson. It has three shots of rum, a jigger of bourbon,
2:39 and just a little dab-a-roo of creme de cassis for flavor.
2:43 Really?
2:44 Well, I do have a warm sense of well-being, and I seem to be sorry to my speech.
2:49 You're right.
2:49 Give me another. Homer, go easy on the alky haul.
2:52 Remember last year at the Winfields party when you threw up in the laundry hamper?
2:56 No.
3:03 You're Homer's sister-in-law, right?
3:06 I remember you, but I don't remember you being so beautiful.
3:12 Oh!
3:12 Oh, hi!
3:14 Oh!
3:15 Is that a new kind of mace?
3:17 It's really painful.
3:19 Oh, Dr. Hubbard!
3:21 Enjoying your party? Uh, no, not really.
3:24 Someone seems to have slipped one of those novelty ice cubes with a fake fly in my drink.
3:31 It was me! You fell for it! Homer,
3:33 these novelty ice cubes are often made from highly toxic chemicals.
3:37 Ironically, a real fly would have been much more sanitary.
3:40 You should see the look on your face. It's priceless.
3:44 Hmm.
3:48 Hey!
3:49 Come over here. What? You did it. Monkey.
3:52 You're a little monkey, are you? Yes, sir.
3:54 Bart, do that thing you do that's so cute.
3:57 What? That thing you know how to do. What?
4:01 Go to bed.
4:02 Hey, everybody!
4:04 Look, I'm the funniest guy in the world!
4:09 Oh, you're the king!
4:25 I've been wanting to tell you all for years, but I never had the nerve.
4:31 I don't know you. My wife and your wife are friends.
4:33 We met just three hours ago. You stink!
4:37 You and your whole lousy operation stinks!
4:40 I quit!
4:42 Gee, don't quit. All right, then.
4:47 Could you give me a handful of peanuts,
4:53 Maude? Oh, sure.
4:54 Not those peanuts.
4:56 The ones at the bottom. Oh, okay.
5:02 Hey,
5:05 thanks for inviting me. I had a wonderful time.
5:08 I must apologize for my husband. If you want him to live through the night,
5:12 I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.
5:14 Thank you. I will, Dr. Hibbert. Thanks for coming.
5:17 Remember, I said if.
5:24 I have never been so embarrassed in my life.
5:29 Why? What did you do?
5:42 Mark!
5:43 Huh?
5:43 Come here!
5:45 Where are we going? Shh!
5:48 I want to make sure the kids don't hear.
5:50 When I was young, I always hated knowing my parents were fighting.
5:53 They're fighting in the car again. That music always sends a chill down my spine.
5:58 Homer, do you remember the way you acted at the party last night?
6:02 The way I acted?
6:04 So I said I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.
6:07 Oh, well said to you. Oh, you published again, Homer.
6:10 Thank you.
6:10 Good Lord, there's a fly in my drink. I put it there.
6:12 You did? I slipped it into your glass as a gag.
6:15 Pure hilarity.
6:16 Pure Homer. I pronounce it to be the most whimsical jake of the season.
6:19 Oh, man.
6:23 Bye, come on.
6:32 Homer?
6:38 I like to think that I'm a patient,
6:40 tolerant woman and that there was no line you could cross that could make me stop loving
6:45 you.
6:45 But last night, you didn't just cross that line.
6:49 You threw up on it. I'm sorry, honey.
6:52 Can't we just forget and go to church? I'm going to church alone today.
6:55 You're going to stay here and explain to Bart why you scarred him for life.
6:59 No, I didn't.
7:00 I... Oh, you mean inside, don't you?
7:05 How about last night?
7:06 You might have noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why
7:10 I understand why you were ways I admit it.
7:12 I didn't know when to say when I'm sorry it happened and I just hope you didn't lose a lot
7:17 of respect I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will Oh Now before I
7:23 give you all a sneak preview of next week's sermon.
7:26 I have some announcements to make We have some new pamphlets available in our church news
7:30 rack including Bible bafflers Satan's boners Good grief, more Satan's boners.
7:36 And for the teens, it's not cool to fry in hell.
7:40 Marsh.
7:44 I'm sorry, the Lord and I can't compete with the squeaking of Homer Simpson's shoes.
7:49 Why don't we just put everything on hold until he takes a seat?
7:52 Sorry, Robin. Sit down, Homer.
7:54 Mrs.
7:55 Lovejoy and myself will be holding our third annual marriage retreat next weekend at Catfish
7:59 Lake.
8:00 It's psychological counseling for couples whose marriages are hanging by a thread Or
8:06 those just in need of a tune-up Now if you wish to participate,
8:09 please sign up in the lobby after the service is over
8:13 Will the Simpsons be attending our little retreat?
8:16 Oh, well, it's very tempting Really a wonderful idea Marge!
8:21 What are you doing? Are you insane?
8:23 No!
8:24 Give it a day!
8:25 We'll be there
8:31 Marriage encounter weekend, here I come.
8:33 Now you want to go? They're holding it at Catfish Lake.
8:37 They couldn't call it Catfish Lake if it didn't have a catfish in it.
8:42 We're going to this retreat to give our marriage a tune-up, and that's all.
8:45 No fishing.
8:46 Oh, that must be the babysitter.
8:48 Hello, I'm Mrs. Simpson. Simpson.
8:52 Simpson.
8:53 Come back for more, eh?
9:09 Oh, my.
9:10 Why are we supposed to get a sitter on such short notice?
9:12 Oh, dear.
9:14 If we can't find a babysitter, we can't go.
9:16 What a kick in the teeth. What do you need a babysitter for?
9:20 I'm almost ten and a half. Mom, you wouldn't dare.
9:23 Don't take that tone with me, young lady.
9:24 I'll give you a taste of the back of me hand.
9:25 No, you don't. Grandpa? Hey, yo, what?
9:28 Uh, Grandpa, could you do something? I can dress myself.
9:32 Oh.
9:33 Well, I was wondering, do you think you could babysit the kids this weekend?
9:36 I wouldn't ask, except I'm desperate. Oh, sure.
9:40 Last resort.
9:41 Oh, Grandpa the Feeb. The guy who can't be counted out for nothing know-how, gagnappet.
9:48 Everyone against me.
9:51 I'll do it. Marge, just putting a few last things in the trunk.
9:55 Hee-hee.
9:56 Now, if Maggie runs a fever, you call this number.
9:59 If she sticks her finger in an electrical socket, call this number.
10:02 And if she drinks Pine Cleanser, call this.
10:04 Just give me the list. I can read. All right, all right.
10:07 Goodbye, children. And behave yourselves.
10:13 Call this number if Grandpa falls in the bathtub.
10:15 I heard that. Goodbye, Maggie.
10:17 Grandpa, Mom was in such a hurry, she forgot to give you this.
10:21 It's a list of the things Lisa and I can and can't do.
10:24 Uh-huh.
10:27 You're allowed to smoke cigars.
10:32 Mmm, Pete.
10:37 Ooh, better get some gas.
10:40 Fill her up.
10:41 I guess I'll go and stretch my legs.
10:47 Where you headed?
10:49 Catfish Lake.
10:50 Oh, after General Sherman, are you?
10:51 Wait a minute, wait a minute. Who's General Sherman?
10:54 He's only the biggest catfish in these pots.
10:56 Oh, yeah?
10:56 They say he weighs upwards of 500 pounds.
10:58 Who says that? They do.
11:00 Oh.
11:02 Yeah, that there's the only known picture of the general.
11:04 Can't see what he is exactly.
11:06 He's freakishly big, though.
11:09 Gentlemen, I am going to catch General Sherman.
11:13 Oh.
11:14 Oh, my.
11:15 After the supermarket, we'll go to the video store, grab a Krusty Burger,
11:19 and head for the arcade.
11:21 Bart, Grandpa's a kindly old man who trusts us.
11:24 Are your shirts right to take advantage of him?
11:26 At least in these crazy, topsy-turvy times.
11:29 Who's to say what's right or wrong? But right now, my gut's telling me, bleed gramps dry.
11:34 Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, welcome.
11:37 Hello, Reverend, we're glad we could come.
11:40 Hello, Helen. Hello, Marge. Why, Homer Simpson,
11:43 here to give your marriage a little spit shine?
11:45 None of your business, Flanders. Uh, say, Reverend,
11:49 are we going to get a chance to do any fishing?
11:51 Oh, I'm afraid not. A marriage can't be reconciled in a few hours, Homer.
11:55 It takes a whole weekend to do that. We must bait our hooks with honesty.
12:00 That way a happy marriage won't be the one that got away.
12:03 I see.
12:05 I also understand bowling expressions.
12:07 Ah, three couples are best turnout yet.
12:10 Why don't we go around the room and everyone can introduce themselves and tell us a little
12:14 bit about why they're here. John, Gloria?
12:16 My name's Gloria.
12:18 I'm here because Johnny Boy hasn't been able to cut it man-wise for some time.
12:24 Not that I'd want his odor of gin and sour defeat pressed against me.
12:29 That's enough, Gloria. Thank you, Gloria.
12:31 John, why don't you tell us a little about why you're here?
12:34 She never cooks.
12:35 She keeps a filthy house and she talks profanely.
12:38 She's the queen of the harpies. No, I'm not.
12:40 Queen of the harpies. No, I'm not. Here's your crown, your majesty.
12:43 Get away from me. Queen of the harpies. We're going to the right place.
12:46 First, I want you to look into each other's eyes
12:53 Your eyes I've forgotten how beautiful they are Let's never fight again We were fools to
12:59 argue Let's not talk about that Let's not talk at all Remember my saving your lives and
13:03 bringing you happiness When we pass the collection plate next week
13:07 All right Ned, Maud, what brings you here?
13:11 Well... Go on, Nettie Sometimes Maud,
13:14 God bless her She underlines passages in my Bible because she can't find hers.
13:18 Oh, lucky you don't keep guns in the house.
13:20 Homer, why are you here? Oh, because I got drunk and looked down her dress.
13:25 No, no, Homer.
13:27 Marge is going to tell us all your faults.
13:29 Why don't you tell us about hers?
13:31 Oh, she's perfect. Come on, Homer. What are her faults?
13:34 Well, sometimes it can be annoying. Oh, Homer.
13:36 Now, Marge, don't interrupt.
13:37 You'll get your turn. I'm done.
13:39 Okay.
13:40 Marge? Well, it's not that I don't love the guy.
13:43 I'm always sticking up for him.
13:47 It's just that he's so self-centered.
13:49 Wait, oh! Now, Homer. He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, holidays,
13:54 both religious and secular. He chews with his mouth open.
13:58 He gambles. He hangs out at a seedy bar with bums and lowlifes.
14:02 It's true.
14:03 It's all true.
14:04 Homer, don't interrupt.
14:06 Sorry. He blows his nose on the towels and puts them back in the middle.
14:09 I only did that a couple of times.
14:11 Half a gallon of chocolate. Half a gallon of chocolate browning and fried chips.
14:15 Half a gallon of chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate chips.
14:17 Yep. Did your mom really write that chopping list?
14:20 Grandpa, what a question. What's next, Lee?
14:22 Sprinkles and syrups. Hey, Grandpa, aisle six and step on it.
14:25 All right, but put out that cigar.
14:27 He drinks out of the carton. He never changes the baby.
14:32 When he goes to sleep, he makes chewing noises.
14:35 And when he wakes up, he makes honking noises.
14:38 Oh, oh, and he scratches himself with his keys.
14:42 I guess that's it.
14:43 No, no, wait. He kicks me in his sleep, and his toenails are too long and yellow.
14:48 That's all I can think of right now.
14:50 I guess you're all tired.
14:52 And I want to thank you for letting me get some things off my chest.
14:56 Well, we've missed the luau.
14:58 Let's say we call it a night.
15:00 But, Captain, I can't avenge my partner's death with this pea shooter.
15:04 I don't want to hear anything.
15:05 That tenon of yours is against regulations.
15:07 In this department, we go by the book.
15:12 Buy books. All right, McFay! You know, Kedge, it's getting pretty late.
15:17 Yeah, you should go to bed, Grandpa. We've had a big day.
15:19 Oh, you wise-kind little smarer. It's no use kidding myself.
15:24 I'm having an ethical crisis.
15:28 Out at five. Catch General Sherman at 5.30.
15:31 Clean him at 6.00. Eat him at 6.30.
15:34 Back in bed by 7.00 with no incriminating evidence.
15:37 The perfect crime.
15:40 Homer, you're sneaking out to go fishing.
15:43 I can't believe your selfishness. You can go fishing any time.
15:48 But we're here trying to save our marriage.
15:51 You're thinking about fishing even while I'm talking right now, right?
15:54 Would this be a good time to be honest?
15:56 Yes.
15:57 You're right, I am.
15:58 Help me, Marge. What do I do to be a good guy?
16:02 Get back in bed.
16:03 All right.
16:07 But I can't sleep.
16:09 Can I take a walk?
16:11 Sure.
16:14 Gotta be a good husband.
16:19 Hey, kid, you forgot your...
16:24 AAAAAAHHHHH!
16:29 Go ahead, General Sherman!
16:31 Waste your strength, you big, ugly catfish!
16:35 I ain't gonna steal it I had to stick a butter with your name on it
16:46 Sugar?
16:47 Yes, ten please Hey Grandpa, top me off Are you sure your mom let you kids drink coffee?
16:52 For the last time, yes Come on, give up
16:58 Hey Milhouse,
16:59 big blowout of Cassidy Simpson The only adult is frail and old Bart's joint, uh,
17:04 two-ish Be there, be square. Tell my friends.
17:07 All right, but I got some pretty funky friends.
17:10 All right.
17:12 I get out at noon and I'm already invited to a party.
17:15 Now, this is a trust exercise.
17:18 You fall backwards and rely on your spouse to catch you.
17:26 Do I have to do this?
17:27 No, even if your husband were here, I wouldn't recommend it.
17:31 Marge, as a trained marriage counselor,
17:33 this is the first instance where I've ever told one partner that they were 100% right.
17:38 It's all his fault, and I'm willing to put that in a certificate you can frame.
17:43 Over there, send the word, send the word, over there,
17:48 and he ain't coming to town!
17:55 Okay, fish, you're probably wondering why I'm still here.
17:59 Catching you will make me the most famous fisherman there is.
18:02 right up there with that bald
18:06 guy in a cable fishing show.
18:10 Whoa!
18:12 Holy mackerel!
18:16 Milhouse, good to see you, pal. What's happening, man?
18:18 Cherry party, Bart.
18:19 Any chicks over eight? Not yet, but the afternoon is young.
18:26 Lisa, what's wrong? Isn't it obvious?
18:28 We've degraded ourselves and set back the children's rights movement for decades to come.
18:33 You're great at a party, Elise. Really great.
18:34 Hey!
18:35 You! No! Shut that door! Stop it! Put that away!
18:38 No! Stop!
18:40 Oh!
18:41 Ow!
18:43 You young alien, do you want me to take off my belt?
18:46 Stop!
18:47 All right, I'll show you.
18:50 Darn it!
18:53 I love you, but I must kill you!
19:01 Yeah, take care of me. Hey, thanks for coming.
19:04 Hey, nice tie, Nelson. Oh, thanks. It's your dad's.
19:07 I tried to be a good babysitter, but I failed.
19:11 I'm a thief.
19:13 A useless old worn out.
19:19 Lisa, I have this strong, unpleasant feeling I've never had before.
19:23 It's called remorse, you vile burlesque of irrepressible youth.
19:26 Well, how do you make this feeling go away?
19:28 You grab a bucket and a brush and clean harder and faster than you ever have before.
19:40 I am the champions.
19:45 No time for losers.
19:48 Cause I am the champions of the world.
19:55 Uh-oh.
19:56 Hi, honey. Uh, oh.
19:59 How's the marriage retreat going?
20:00 We came to this retreat because I thought our marriage was in trouble.
20:03 But I never for a minute thought I was in this much trouble.
20:06 Homer, how can you expect me to believe it?
20:08 Marge, Marge, you don't know what this fish means.
20:10 This fish represents a better life for both of us.
20:12 This fish makes me a champion and a hero.
20:14 To who? To those weirdos in the Worm Star.
20:17 All this fish represents is just how selfish you are.
20:20 Well, if that's the way you feel, I'll do it back.
20:22 Oh, yeah, sure.
20:23 Watch!
20:27 Whoa, I did it.
20:30 I gave up fame and breakfast for my marriage.
20:33 I fought it for six hours.
20:35 She says one word and I toss it back.
20:38 And you're telling me our marriage is in trouble?
20:42 Come here, baby.
20:43 Oh, Homer.
21:08 We're back.
21:10 How's your marriage? Same as usual.
21:12 Perfectimundo.
21:13 Oh, my. The house looks wonderful.
21:16 Grandpa, what's your secret? Pretending to cry.
21:20 That's right. You heard me.
21:22 Pretending to cry.
21:25 I can turn it on and off like a faucet.
21:28 Oh, I'm crying. I'm so sad. Way to go, Grandpa.
21:33 You'll never trust another old person. I fooled you.
21:36 So long, dickers.
21:39 Yeah, General Sherman.
21:41 They say he's 500 pounds of bottom-dwelling fury, don't you know?
21:45 No one knows how old he is, but if you ask me, and most people do,
21:48 he's 100 years if he's a day. And no one's ever caught him?
21:51 Well, one fella came close, went by the name of Homer.
21:54 Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks, and his eyes were like steel,
21:59 cold and hard.
22:00 Had a shocker hair, red like the fires of hell.
22:49 Shh.
22:51 Thank you.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Krusty the Clown, Carl Carlson, Dr. Hibbert, Nelson Muntz, Otto Mann, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Patty Bouvier, Reverend Lovejoy, Selma Bouvier, Santa's Little Helper, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Richard, Jimbo Jones, Maude Flanders, Snowball II, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Larry Dalrymple, Helen Lovejoy, Sam, Adrian Belew, Bernice Hibbert, Becky Shorter, Dolph Starbeam, Sophie Jensen, Snake, Girl with glasses, Jaffee Ziswhisky, Buck-toothed boy, Gareth Prince, Lewis' lookalike, Chuck Berger, Rainier Wolfcastle, Wanda, Smug Girl, White-Haired Girl, McBain, Afro Girl, Tanya, Brittany, Daria, The District Attorney, Tom Gammel, Eliza, Hypnotist, Sailor Kid, Jamie, Sydney Swift, Tom Jones, Babysitter, Bait Shop Owner, General Sherman, Gloria S., John S.

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character