Three Men and a Comic Book

The Simpsons, season 2, episode 21. First aired May 9, 1991. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

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From “Three Men and a Comic Book”: “It's imaginary tale where radioactive man marries larva girl.” — It's imaginary tale where radioactive man marries larva girl.

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About the episode

At a comic book convention, Bart finds Radioactive Man #1 priced at $100, but odd jobs for Alice Glick earn him just fifty cents. He splits the cost with Milhouse Van Houten and Martin Prince, and the three guard the comic overnight in the treehouse during a storm. Bart's suspicion of his partners mounts until he has to let the comic fly away to save Milhouse from falling.

Written by: Jeff Martin
Directed by: Wes Archer
Guest stars: Cloris Leachman as Alice Glick
Chalkboard gag: I will not show off.
Couch gag: Fallen Over Couch
Production code: 7F21

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

372 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:04 The Simpsons
1:22 hey mom if we don't get to the convention soon all the good comics will be gone What do
1:26 you care about good comics? All you ever buy is Casper the Wimpy Ghost.
1:30 I think it's sad that you equate friendliness with wimpiness,
1:33 and I hope it'll keep you from ever achieving true popularity.
1:36 Well, you know what I think? I think Casper's the ghost of Richie Rich.
1:40 Hey, they do look alike. I wonder how Richie died.
1:43 Perhaps he realized how hollow the pursuit of money is and took his own life.
1:47 Kids, could you lighten up a little? Now, radioactive man, he rules.
1:51 Never punches a bad guy without saying something cool.
1:54 He's no wittier than the next superhero.
1:56 Oh, yeah? Look.
1:57 He knocks the guy into the sun and says, Hot enough for ya?
2:02 I stand corrected.
2:05 We're here!
2:09 Too bad we didn't come dressed as popular cartoon characters.
2:12 This looks like a discount for...
2:17 Bartman!
2:20 Who are you supposed to be? I'm Bartman.
2:23 Never heard of him. Full price. Oh, lousy rip-off.
2:28 Is this on?
2:30 Young people of Springfield, as your mayor,
2:32 I'd like to welcome you to our annual funny book convention.
2:35 And thank you for pumping almost $300 into the local economy.
2:41 Your youthful high spirits have imparted a globe to this old war horse.
2:45 You might say I feel like... Radiation Man.
2:48 That's Radioactive Man, jerk!
2:51 I, uh, stand corrected.
2:53 Well, have fun, and be sure to clear out by six for the Shriners.
2:58 Get that Funk's name. No one makes a fool out of Diamond Joe Quimby.
3:02 Excuse me, sir. Has anyone turned an elect Vulcan here?
3:05 Let's see. We got a utility belt, a couple of tricorders, a lightsaber.
3:11 Sorry, kid.
3:13 Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.
3:18 Hey, bike dude. Hey, Auto Man!
3:21 Ooh, what's that?
3:22 My very own idea for a comic book, little man.
3:24 It's about a dude who drives a school bus by day,
3:28 but by night fights vampires in a post-apocalyptic war zone.
3:33 Cool.
3:34 Come on, Bart. We're going to see Buddy Hodges.
3:36 The guy who played Fall Out Boy on TV?
3:39 Yup.
3:39 Wow.
3:40 I guess he wasn't killed in Vietnam.
3:43 Ah, these Laramie cigarettes give me the steady nerves I need to combat evil.
3:49 Gee willikers, Radioactive Man. Wished I was old enough to smoke Laramie's.
3:53 Sorry, fallout boy.
3:54 Not until you're 60.
3:56 Look out!
3:58 Will Radioactive Man act in time to save the Earth?
4:01 Yay!
4:04 Well, wasn't that great?
4:06 You know, kids,
4:07 I'm sure we'd all like to remember actor Dirk Richter for his portrayal of Radioactive Man
4:12 and not the sordid details of his final year.
4:15 So let's keep the questions tasteful, okay?
4:18 Now, how about a big welcome for Buddy, Fallout Boy Hodges?
4:24 Any questions?
4:25 When Radioactive Man got injected with shrinking serum in issue 234,
4:29 how come his costume shrinks, too? I am sure I don't know.
4:33 But I did just finish playing Rum Tum Tugger in the second national touring company of
4:37 cats. Anybody see it? Oh, oh, oh, oh, over here.
4:39 Fallout Boy. Oh, oh, me, me, me, me. Yes, you, the Mask Boy.
4:42 Do you think the ghost of Dirk Richter haunts the bordello where his bullet-riddled body
4:46 was found?
4:48 Dirk Richter was a beautiful man.
4:50 Can't you little vultures leave him alone?
4:56 Hey, radioactive man number 72!
5:00 It's imaginary tale where radioactive man marries larva girl.
5:04 Wow, number nine.
5:06 That's before Fall Out Boy became his ward.
5:10 Tell you what,
5:11 I show you something very special if you promise to put your grubby little hand behind
5:14 your back and keep them there.
5:16 Behold!
5:19 Wow, radioactive man number one. None other.
5:22 I bet it's worth a million bucks. It is my life,
5:25 but I let you have it for a hundred because you remind me of me.
5:28 Oh, all I got is 30. Then you cannot have it.
5:31 But I must. Until this moment, I never knew why God put me on this earth,
5:34 but now I know to buy that comic book. Your emotion is out of place here, son.
5:43 So, did you kids have fun? Yeah, Mom. Guess what?
5:47 For a dollar, a man saw me 35 caspers and a dozen Lois Lanes.
5:51 I never knew what Superman saw in her. Give me Wonder Woman.
5:56 And that golden lariat. She can tie me up any time.
6:04 Homer!
6:05 I was just kidding, Marge.
6:07 Hey, what does everyone say to dinner at Krusty Burger?
6:11 My treat! Hi, Homer. Whoa,
6:13 you really are a sport dad taking us out to a fine restaurant like Krusty Burger.
6:17 All right, what are you getting at?
6:19 I need $100 for a comic book. A hundred bucks for a comic book?
6:23 Who drew it, Michael Melangelo? Oh, please, Dad.
6:25 I want this more than anything in the world.
6:27 Well, T.S.
6:29 Please, Dad. No. Please, Dad. No. Please, Dad.
6:31 No. Please, Dad.
6:32 No. Please, Dad. No. Please, Dad. No. Please, Dad.
6:36 No. Now, look, son. And we all know that usually when you bug me like this, I give in.
6:40 So I'm not mad at you for trying. So you've been paying attention.
6:44 But we all know I'm not going to give you $100.
6:47 Now, are you going to stop bugging me? No.
6:49 Are you? No. Are you?
6:50 No.
6:51 Are you? No. Are you? No. No. No. No.
6:53 No. No.
6:55 Hee hee. I win. In your face.
6:58 Yeah.
6:59 How do you like some apples? Woo hoo.
7:01 Hee hee hee. Oh, don't quote Homer.
7:03 You know, Bart, when I was your age,
7:05 the one thing I wanted more than anything Everything in the world was a child-size
7:08 electric light bulb oven.
7:10 My parents wouldn't give me the money, so I went to my sisters, Patty and Selma.
7:14 We'll give you half our allowance. Uh-huh.
7:17 But you have to be our slave. Okay.
7:19 This gives us a lot more free time.
7:21 Uh-huh.
7:22 Let's take up smoking.
7:23 For months I worked and worked while my sisters smoked and smoked.
7:29 Venus!
7:32 Oh, Venus!
7:35 We want those dress shields hand-washed and drip-dried.
7:40 But the big day finally came, and because I'd worked for it,
7:44 all those lightbulb warm treats always tasted extra good.
7:48 So maybe a part-time job is the answer. Oh, Mom, I couldn't ask you to do that.
7:53 You're already taking care of Maggie, and Lisa is such a handful.
7:56 She means you should get a job, stupid.
7:58 Me?
8:00 Get a job?
8:01 Were they serious?
8:05 I didn't realize it at the time, but a little piece of my childhood had slipped away.
8:10 Forever. Bart, what are you staring at? Uh, nothing.
8:13 He didn't say it and neither did I, but at that moment,
8:16 my dad and I were closer than we'd ever...
8:19 Bart!
8:19 Stop it! Sorry.
8:24 I need some money, a lot of money.
8:27 Ah.
8:29 Empty bottles, empty bottles. Hmm.
8:32 Well, it's practically empty.
8:34 Here you go, Appu. Oh, very good.
8:36 Would you like to deposit the freight from the cost of a jumbo cherry squishy?
8:40 No, not today. I need the dime. Oh, it is good to see you are learning a trade.
8:45 Ching, ching, ching!
8:47 Aha!
8:50 Americanize this, my good man. Okey dokey.
8:52 All those coins were only worth three lousy cents?
8:56 Let the good times roll.
8:58 This is so humiliating. I feel like such a geek.
9:02 How's it going, Bart? Terrible.
9:04 Car slowed down to laugh at me, but no one's buying.
9:07 Maybe you need to play on their sympathies more.
9:09 Let's see.
9:14 Now you look pathetic.
9:20 Lemonade sucks. I need a new product.
9:22 Let's see.
9:23 Ah!
9:25 Formal line, no crowding, cheap beer and a sympathetic ear.
9:28 Step right up. Hey, Bart, could you give me one on credit?
9:31 I'm a little sharp this week. Beat it. Say, uh, you got a liquor license here,
9:35 young fella? Uh, my dog ate it. Gotta have a license to sell beer.
9:39 Say, writing all those tickets must make you guys thirsty.
9:43 How about a couple on the house? Well, seeing as hell, it's a first offense.
9:46 I guess we can overlook this.
9:48 Mm-hmm.
9:49 So long, officers.
9:52 Uh-oh.
9:53 Hey, what's all the... My beer, my beer, my beautiful beer.
10:00 The poor boy is so desperate. He wants to earn money to buy a comic book.
10:06 A comic book, oh my. Boys never change.
10:10 Which one is it, Nazi Smasher? I don't think so.
10:13 Send him over to my house. I got a few chores he could do.
10:18 He knows how to mix whitewars, don't he?
10:23 Mrs.
10:24 Glick?
10:25 You must be Bert Simpson.
10:27 Well, you look like you got a strong young back.
10:30 Would you like something to eat? I got dried apricots,
10:35 almond paste, sauerkraut candy.
10:38 Oh, no thanks. Who's that? Oh, that's my brother Asa.
10:43 He was killed in the Great War.
10:45 Held a grenade too long.
10:50 This one's for you, Kaiser Bill.
10:51 Special delivery from Uncle Sam and all the boys in D Company.
10:54 Yeah, Johnny, Harrison, Brooklyn Bob, and Reggie.
10:58 Yeah, even Reggie. He ain't so stuck up once you get to...
11:04 Here, have some ribbon candy. Boys love candy.
11:08 No, thanks.
11:09 Boys love candy.
11:12 I think I'd rather just get to work, ma'am.
11:14 We'll start with a little light yard work.
11:16 And when you're done, you can have a nice barley pop.
11:19 I want you to clear out all the weeds.
11:22 You do know which ones are weeds.
11:25 All of them? Good boy.
11:27 Now be careful with these.
11:29 I'll be inside watching my stories.
11:37 Ow!
11:41 Jack, please.
11:43 I'm married. That must be what's turning me on.
11:46 Oh, stop it.
11:49 Some more. Filthy, but genuinely arousing.
11:54 Finished.
11:55 Merciful heavens, you're bleeding.
11:58 I'll get the iodine.
12:00 Well, if it's a bunion, powder, and we...
12:03 Iodine.
12:06 Now, don't fidget. Listen, lady, you don't have...
12:10 They've never improved on iodine.
12:14 Hi, Mom. Did you make any money? Not yet, but at least I'm in a lot of pain.
12:18 Oh, well, I think what you're doing for Mrs.
12:21 Glick is very nice.
12:22 Poor old thing doesn't have anybody. There's a reason.
12:27 The sludge suddenly collects your own nose down spous, don't it?
12:31 You're the right old sludge you, you'll bet.
12:34 Today, we wash Beulah.
12:37 You know what that is? Some old lady thing nobody's heard about for 50 years?
12:41 No.
12:42 It was my wedding dress.
12:45 But then I dyed it black and it became my morning dress.
12:51 Great story, lady.
12:58 Last night, I dreamed I held you in my arms.
13:07 No, no, not the iodine.
13:09 Burn the germs off with the torch. amputate my arm, but not the...
13:15 Well, it's payday.
13:18 I'll wager you've been looking forward to this.
13:21 Oh, yes, ma'am. Here we are. Two quarters.
13:24 Two quarters?
13:25 You deserve every penny.
13:27 You know, I've told a lot to my girlfriends about you, and they have chores, too.
13:33 Two quarters?
13:34 But you didn't say thank you. Listen, lady, I can leave without screaming,
13:39 and I can leave without saying a bad word, but there is no way that I am saying thank you.
13:44 You're welcome.
13:46 All right, then, off you go to spending on penny whistles and moon pie.
13:53 Moon pie is my butt. Somebody ought to moon pie her.
13:56 What's the problem, boy?
13:57 I've been busting my hump all week for that withered old clam, and all I got was 50 cents.
14:02 Hey, when I was your age, 50 cents was a lot of money.
14:06 Really?
14:07 Nah. Dad, I've done everything I could, and I've only got 35 bucks.
14:11 Ugh, I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
14:15 Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.
14:24 Can you let me have it for $40?
14:27 40 bucks? Forget it. You made me get off my stool for that.
14:29 It's all I've got.
14:30 I sold seeds. I visited my aunt in the nursing home.
14:34 I fished a dime out of the sewer, for God's sake.
14:38 No way. What do you want? Can I have it for $35?
14:41 No!
14:42 No! Freaking kids! I do not need this!
14:44 I've got a massive degree in folklore and mythology!
14:46 Excuse me?
14:47 Do you have the Carl Ustremski baseball card from 1973 when he had big sideburns?
14:52 So many $30 bucks. Because if you ain't got it, I ain't getting off the stool.
14:56 Okay.
14:58 Wait a minute, Martin. If you, Milhouse, and I went in together,
15:02 we could buy a copy of Radioactive Man No.
15:05 1 right now! Wow!
15:07 Here you go, mutton-chop gas. I don't want it.
15:09 Freaking kids. Look, pal, we got a hundred bucks,
15:12 and we'd like to buy radioactive man number one.
15:14 So why don't you just waddle over there and get it?
15:18 Yes, sir.
15:22 Wow.
15:23 Breathe it in, boys.
15:26 Oh, this is the stuff dreams are made of.
15:29 It smells like my grandpa.
15:32 Uh-oh, looks like rain.
15:34 We better get this baby home.
15:37 Uh-oh.
15:39 Looks like you bought more than you bargained for.
15:50 My pants.
15:52 Caught on barbed wire.
15:55 Good lord.
15:56 Choke. An A-bomb.
16:03 Becoming radioactive.
16:06 From this day forward, I shall call myself Radioactive Man.
16:12 So that's how it happened.
16:14 I would have thought being hit by an atomic bomb would have killed him.
16:18 Now you know better. Turn the page, Bart.
16:26 Careful, careful.
16:28 Listen, you guys are welcome to come over and read it any time you like it.
16:32 Why can't we keep it in my house? Your house?
16:34 That's crazy talk. Well, the comic's ours as much as it is yours.
16:37 How about this, guys?
16:39 Bart can have it Mondays and Thursdays, Milhouse will get it Tuesdays and Fridays,
16:42 and yours truly will take it Wednesdays and Saturdays.
16:45 Perfect.
16:46 Wait a minute. What about Sunday? Yeah, what about Sunday?
16:50 Well, Sunday possession will be determined by a random number generator.
16:54 I will take the digits 1 through 3, Milhouse will have 4 through 6,
16:57 and Bart will have 7 through 9. Perfect.
17:00 Wait a minute.
17:01 What about zero? Yeah.
17:03 What about zero? Yeah. Well, in the unlikely event of a zero,
17:08 possession will be determined by rock-scissor-paper competition.
17:11 Best three out of five. How's that? This is pretty good.
17:13 Okay. Okay. All right, yeah. Excellent.
17:15 Well, today being Saturday, gentlemen, I guess I'll be taking my comic and...
17:20 Nice try, Martin.
17:22 It almost worked, but tonight this comic book stays right here.
17:26 If the comic book stays right here, then so do I.
17:28 Me too.
17:29 Fine.
17:30 We're all going to stay here with the comic book.
17:33 It'll be like a sleepover. Yeah, a sleepover.
17:35 That's what pals do, right? Real friendly-like.
17:44 I want to read it again.
17:46 Nice try, mister.
17:47 Milhouse, the assets in your hand could damage the newsprint.
17:50 We want to keep this comic forever,
17:52 so the last one alive will have the honor of being buried with it.
17:57 What do you mean, the last one alive?
17:59 I meant years from now. Yeah, sure you did.
18:03 Bart, don't push him. I knew it. You're both against me.
18:07 Well, nobody makes a sap out of Bartholomew J.
18:10 Simpson.
18:11 Quit it! You quit it!
18:13 No, you quit it.
18:19 I thought you boys might like some milk and microwave s'mores.
18:24 Thank you. This is so upsetting, Mom.
18:27 Sweet dreams, boys.
18:45 One more step and you're a dead man.
18:47 I have to go to the bathroom, Bart. Yeah, right, so do I, but you don't see me getting up.
18:52 Hey, what's going on? Our dear friend Martin was trying to steal a comic book.
18:56 Let's tie him up!
18:59 Bart, is this how you treat all your guests?
19:01 Fly, Piggy, we'll stick an apple in your mouth.
19:04 We can't take any chances.
19:05 We'll have to take turns watching him.
19:06 Okay, I'll go first.
19:08 Ah, so that's your little game. Let old Bart get nice and drowsy.
19:13 Then when his back is turned, wham! Well, it is not gonna happen, see?
19:17 You're going crazy, Bart. I'm telling your mom.
19:20 Hey, Martin, tell him what we do with squealers.
19:22 I don't know.
19:23 Is it worse than what you do with people that have to go to the bathroom?
19:25 You can't stop me. The hell I can't.
19:33 Homer, it's really coming down.
19:35 Could you check on the boys?
19:40 They're fine.
19:49 Bart, let go of it!
19:53 Don't let go of me, Bart!
19:55 Uh, uh, uh, uh, Wilhouse, it's not that far to the ground.
19:59 The rain's probably softened it up a bit.
20:01 No!
20:02 Bar, no!
20:05 You know, if you guys hadn't tied me up, I could be saving the comic as we speak.
20:09 Shut up. Shut up.
20:10 Help me, Bar! I didn't even want the comic!
20:14 I wanted Karshi and Stremski with the big sideburns!
20:44 Boys, you better come in the house. You don't want to get the sniffles.
20:47 Oh, Mom.
20:48 No, now, come on.
20:51 You can play your little tie-up game inside.
20:53 I've got some cocoa on the stove. Who wants imitation marshmallows?
20:58 I do.
20:59 I'd raise my hand, Mrs. Simpson, if I could.
21:11 It's no use, fellas.
21:12 Another comic book has returned to the Earth from whence it came.
21:17 We worked so hard and now it's all gone.
21:21 We ended up with nothing because the three of us can't share.
21:25 What's your point? Nothing.
21:27 Just kind of ticks me off.
21:32 Well, the world is safe again.
21:36 But for how long?
21:44 Thank you.
22:22 We'll be right back.
22:48 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Barney Gumble, Krusty the Clown, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Nelson Muntz, Otto Mann, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier, Santa's Little Helper, Lou, Richard, Jimbo Jones, Eddie, Mayor Quimby, Larry Dalrymple, Sam, Adrian Belew, Professor Frink, Comic Book Guy, Itchy, Buck-toothed boy, Scratchy, Alice Glick, Dave Shutton, Mayor Quimby's Bodyguards, Radioactive Man, Howard, Margarita, Buddy Hodges, Dirk Richter, Fallout Boy, Richie Rich, Asa, Bartman, Busman, Dr. Crab, Jack Tate

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character