Lisa the Beauty Queen

The Simpsons, season 4, episode 4. First aired October 15, 1992. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Homer the Heretic Treehouse of Horror III → The whole episode as text

From “Lisa the Beauty Queen”: “Oh, Lisa, this isn't real.” — Oh, Lisa, this isn't real.

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About the episode

After a carnival caricature convinces Lisa she is ugly, Homer sells his prized ride on the Duff Blimp to pay her way into the Little Miss Springfield pageant. Lisa finishes second to Amber Dempsey but takes the crown when lightning strikes the winner, then speaks out against smoking and civic corruption until Jack Larson, the cigarette boss behind the pageant, has her removed on a technicality.

Written by: Jeff Martin
Directed by: Mark Kirkland
Guest stars: Bob Hope
Chalkboard gag: I will not prescribe medication
Couch gag: Off-Film
Production code: 9F02

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

320 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:02 The Simpsons
0:38 THE END
1:03 Go!
1:23 Principal Skinner. The happiest place on Earth is a registered Disneyland copyright.
1:29 Well, gentlemen, it's just a small school carnival.
1:32 And it's heading for a great big lawsuit.
1:35 You made a big mistake, Skinner. Well, so did you.
1:39 You got an ex-Green Beret mad.
1:53 Copyright expired.
1:55 And begin!
1:58 This sucks
2:02 Pick the red, get ahead Pick the black,
2:05 set your back I don't recall authorizing this booth Goodbye, gentlemen
2:13 Get your haggis right here Chopped heart and lungs Boiled in a wee sheep's stomach
2:19 Tastes as good as it sounds Good for what else, yeah Hey
2:27 Uh...
2:29 I'd say 53 years old and 420 pounds.
2:35 Ha-ha, you lose. 36 and 239.
2:42 Hey, Auto Man, I dare you to make this go faster.
2:45 Ooh, challenge accepted.
2:54 I'll be in Mexico till this thing blows over.
3:01 Oh, boy!
3:03 A spook house!
3:08 Hand over all your money!
3:11 Was it scary? Uh-huh!
3:14 Cool, baby!
3:18 Uh-oh.
3:23 So, girly, you like roller skating?
3:26 No. Yeah, everybody loves roller skating.
3:30 Okay, you can turn around now.
3:38 Oh, my God, I'm ugly.
3:41 Now, in a moment, we'll be raffling off our grand prize.
3:44 A ride on the famous Duff Beer Blimp.
3:48 A ride on the Duff Blimp.
3:52 You see the circular pattern on those fields?
3:55 That's from central pivot irrigation.
3:57 Wow.
3:58 Now let's see what's happening at the Super Bowl.
4:01 Homer!
4:06 Oops, sorry.
4:07 Homer!
4:13 But first, our second prize winner and the recipient of this handsome shoe buffer...
4:20 Ned Flanders!
4:21 Ah!
4:24 Oh, it's no fair. We'll never have a buffer.
4:27 We have one at home. You never use it. Well, I want that one.
4:30 And the winner of the blimp ride is... Homer Simpson!
4:36 Oh, my God!
4:43 Hey there, blimpy boy. Flying through the sky so fancy free.
4:51 Honey, what's wrong?
4:55 Dad, do you think I'm ugly? What are you talking about?
5:01 Oh, Lisa, this isn't real.
5:05 It's just how you might look if you were a cartoon character.
5:08 I'm an ugmo.
5:10 Now that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear.
5:12 Fathers have to say that and stuff.
5:14 Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear? No, you're homely as a mule's butt.
5:19 There, see?
5:20 I'd like to be alone, please.
5:30 Mo, have you ever felt unattractive?
5:33 Mmm, no.
5:34 How about you, Barney? Not for a second!
5:38 I need help.
5:41 Wee!
5:48 I guess every father thinks his daughter is the cutest.
5:51 Well, now there's a way to prove it.
5:54 Wow, President of Laramie Cigarettes, Jack Larson.
5:57 This year, Laramie is sponsoring the Little Miss Springfield pageant.
6:00 You see, government regulations prohibit us from advertising on TV.
6:05 Ah, that sweet Carolina smoke.
6:09 But they can't prohibit us from holding a beauty pageant for little girls age 7 to 9.
6:14 Lisa's age 7 to 9? Your daughter could be crowned Little Miss Springfield by our host,
6:19 the maitre d'of glee, Krusty the Clown.
6:22 I heartily endorse this event or product.
6:26 What a feeling. I'm as happy as a smoker taking that first puff in the morning.
6:31 That could be Lisa. The Little Miss Springfield pageant.
6:34 Only $250 to enter.
6:38 Oh?
6:45 Hey, Barney, will you give me 250 bucks for this blimp ticket?
6:49 Sure!
6:52 Where'd you get all the money? From some scientist.
6:56 Since I stopped testing on animals, a guy like me can really clean up.
7:07 I'm hideous.
7:10 Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up.
7:13 There once was an ugly duckling.
7:15 So you think I'm ugly?
7:17 No, no. I meant you were one of the good-looking ducks.
7:21 That makes fun of the ugly one.
7:25 Lisa, if you could have one wish, what would it be?
7:28 To shut myself off from the world and never be seen by human eyes again.
7:32 Was your second wish to be entered in the Little Miss Springfield pageant?
7:35 What are you talking about?
7:37 I sent in an application for you. I couldn't find a big enough photo,
7:41 so I sent in that funny drawing of you on roller skates.
7:44 How could you? I won't do it.
7:49 Oh, Marlisa's already sensitive about her looks.
7:52 This is the last thing she needs. But I think she'll win.
7:56 Dad, have you seen the girls they have in those contests?
7:59 Hubba hubba.
8:02 Oh, oh, oh, oh.
8:07 Hey, nobody's prettier than my little girl.
8:10 You're looking at her through a father's eyes.
8:13 Well, if I could gouge out somebody else's eyes and shove them into my sockets, I would.
8:17 But to me, she's beautiful.
8:19 That is so sweet.
8:22 Honey, no one's going to force you to do anything.
8:25 But do you know how your father got the money to enter you in this pageant?
8:29 Nope.
8:30 He sold his ride on the Duff Blimp.
8:33 But that ride meant everything to him. Hey there,
8:38 flimpy boy.
8:40 Flying through the sky so fancy free.
8:45 I'll do it.
8:50 Did you see Tina Epstein?
8:52 Whoa, if you're going to binge, you better purge.
8:55 Uh-oh.
9:00 Amber Dempsey. In the same week,
9:03 she was Pork Princess and Little Miss Kosher She's beautiful Wait,
9:08 she's about to bring out the big guns
9:13 Eyelash implants I thought those were illegal Not in Paraguay There's no way I
9:19 can beat this girl She's the Jack Nicklaus of the pageant circuit Oh,
9:22 I don't know that she's as attractive as Jack Nicklaus
9:31 I meant because they both win all the time, Mom Oh, well, yes,
9:35 that's what I meant too Well,
9:37 tell you what This afternoon I'll take you to the beauty parlor And show you just how
9:41 lovely you can be And later I'll teach you the tricks of the trade Taping your swimsuit to
9:46 your butt Petroleum jelly on your teeth for that frictionless smile And the ancient art of
9:51 padding
9:57 Are we done?
9:59 We are just swimming up.
10:02 Uh, isn't this dangerous?
10:05 Don't worry.
10:06 I am well protected.
10:16 Boy, when Lisa comes in, I want you to make a big fuss over how she looks.
10:20 She'll see through me like Grandma's underpants.
10:23 No, she won't. When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous,
10:27 blood-sucking monsters always wanting more.
10:29 More! More!
10:31 And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return.
10:35 Like what? I'll tell you when you're older.
10:42 He he he he he he he he.
10:47 Is that Lisa? Oh, I gotta call heaven. There's an angel missing.
10:53 And who's your little school friend?
10:55 Wait a minute.
10:56 That's Mom!
10:58 Oh, my goodness. How's that going?
11:01 Nice, thank you. I know two fellows who are gonna get a special dinner tonight.
11:08 Hey!
11:09 Woo-hoo!
11:10 Dad, you know anything else about women?
11:12 Nope, that's it.
11:16 Hey, brush head. You've been nursing that thing for an hour.
11:19 You know,
11:20 I was just wondering how someone who works in an ice cream store keeps such a trim figure.
11:25 I've misjudged you.
11:32 I said step, pause, turn, pause, pivot, step, step.
11:35 Not step, pause, turn, pause, pivot, step, pause.
11:38 Oh, shudder.
11:41 And the winner is Lisa Simpson.
11:45 Okay, wipe away a tear, hug the loser.
11:49 And now, for your triumphant walk down the runway.
11:58 It's hopeless.
12:00 There's nothing to it.
12:02 Give me those heels.
12:03 Heel, toe, heel, toe, heel, toe.
12:07 Do you really think I can win?
12:09 Hey, I'm starting to think I can win.
12:12 But those other girls are prettier than me.
12:15 Lise, as your brother, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to say.
12:19 You're not ugly.
12:21 Oh, Bart!
12:34 Making it work!
12:36 Gaffing for air!
12:37 Having it all!
12:40 My name is Amber Dempsey.
12:43 When I grow up, I want to be a sweetie pie.
12:48 I am Pahasatira Mahasapina Petelan,
12:51 and tonight I will be playing MacArthur Park on De Tabla.
12:56 No, I'm serious.
12:58 Yes, judges, there's your queen.
13:01 Who's watching the quickie mart?
13:06 My name is Lisa Simpson,
13:08 and I want to be Little Miss Springfield so I can make our town a better place.
13:13 Yeah, clean up this stink hole!
13:19 Krusty, about time you got here.
13:21 Yeah, yeah, what is this? The Republican fundraiser?
13:24 Checking it out!
13:26 Treating the cards!
13:27 Making a wish!
13:29 Treating the dream!
13:30 Little Miss Springfield, which one will it be?
13:35 Me!
13:37 Oh, that brisket's not sitting right.
13:39 And I'll never have that recipe again!
13:45 Oh, no!
13:50 Oh, that just kept going, huh?
13:53 And now here's Lisa Simpson!
13:57 They'll love you just as much as I do. Thanks, Dad.
14:07 Mmm.
14:13 Some people say that to love your country is old-fashioned, uncool, real Melvin.
14:18 Well, to them I say...
14:20 All beautiful for spacious skies,
14:24 for amber waves of grain.
14:28 One, two, three, four! That's a good job in the city!
14:32 Working for the man every night and day!
14:41 This is my favorite part of the pageant because...
14:45 What does that say?
14:46 Oh, it gives me a chance to visit with a girl's personality.
14:51 Uh, personally.
14:53 Amber, do you think the Bill of Rights is a good thing or a bad thing?
14:58 Um.
14:59 Take your time, dear.
15:02 Good thing.
15:04 Aww.
15:06 And now it's time to name our runner-up,
15:08 who if the winner doesn't fulfill her duties, blah, blah, blah, wasa, wasa, wasa,
15:12 and don't say it'll never happen,
15:14 because we all remember that thing with what's-her-name, click, click, you know.
15:19 Okay, the runner-up is...
15:29 Lisa Simpson, which means Amber Dempsey is the new Little Miss Springfield!
15:35 Thank
15:35 you.
16:05 But first, let's join the new Little Miss Springfield, Amber Dempsey,
16:09 as she helps open the Danish super chain shop.
16:12 Scott, everyone is here, from the mayor's illegitimate son to our own Duff Blimp.
16:17 Hi, can I drive?
16:19 Well, I can't see the arm.
16:23 Ah!
16:27 Oh, the humanity!
16:29 Anyway, to turn on the store's severe tire damage spikes, here's Little Miss Springfield.
16:40 Oh, dear.
16:41 It would be a shame if that pretty dress got wet.
16:44 I'd say the greater danger is her scepter acting as a lightning rod.
16:47 Unless it's made out of plastic.
16:51 Nope.
16:52 Metal.
16:52 Ladies and gentlemen, Little Miss Springfield has been struck by lightning.
16:57 Doctor, what is Amber's condition?
16:59 Oh, she'll be fine. In fact, she's already won the Little Miss Intensive Care pageant.
17:09 Congratulations, Lisa.
17:10 You're the new Little Miss Springfield. Here's your scepter.
17:16 Just kidding. Here you go.
17:21 Just kidding.
17:24 I deserve that.
17:32 That doesn't look like her body.
17:34 Torso used to be Dr. Ruth. Her head is on a pike in a chamber of horrors.
17:42 Hi, fellas.
17:45 Love that chewing gum walk.
17:48 Very wriggly.
17:51 As Little Miss Springfield, it's my pleasure to welcome you to America,
17:55 the land of opportunity.
17:57 Actually, they're being deported.
18:02 And now, let's give a big Fort Springfield welcome to Mr.
18:06 Bob Hope.
18:07 What's the mayor's name?
18:08 Quimby.
18:09 Beautiful.
18:13 Hello, this is Bob. What the hell am I doing in Springfield Hope?
18:17 Hey, how about that Mayor Quimby? He's some golfer.
18:20 His golf ball spends more time underwater than Greg Louganis.
18:26 And now I want to show you what you're fighting for, if there was a war on.
18:30 Little Miss Springfield.
18:33 Isn't she beautiful?
18:35 Little Miss Springfield. First Tony, Randall cancels, now this.
18:40 Hey, what gives here? This is the boat.
18:42 Hey, hey, we think you're going. We want Miss Springfield.
18:46 Hey, set me down at that boat show.
18:48 I'm going to be riding on a pack of cigarettes?
18:51 Mm-hmm.
18:52 Well, you think you're the perfect spokesmodel for Laramie's.
18:54 It's part of our new campaign.
18:57 Mm, classy.
19:00 You see, Lisa, it's been an unlucky year for Laramie.
19:03 A lot of the people who smoke our product have been, well, dying.
19:07 And we need young smokers to take their place.
19:09 I don't want to be a spokesperson for a cigarette company.
19:13 But you're a role model to young people.
19:15 And we're thinking of retiring menthol moose.
19:31 Bless you boys. Homer, those are ice cream, man.
19:34 I know.
19:50 Stop this float!
19:54 What's the holdup? Go!
19:56 I'm tired of being a corporate shill.
20:01 From now on, I will speak out against the evils in society.
20:05 From dog napping to cigarettes.
20:14 Before I sing the national anthem,
20:16 I'd like to say that college football diverts funds badly needed for education and the
20:21 arts.
20:23 Is that true? Let's get them!
20:27 Let's get out of here!
20:36 Gentlemen, we need to get Lisa Simpson out and Amber Dempsey back in.
20:40 But this glorified crossing guard of a police chief won't get off his big fat can.
20:44 Is it okay if I open these potato chips?
20:47 Gentlemen, our prayers have been answered.
20:50 Take a look at our little Miss Springfield's pageant application.
20:56 Roxy, bring in a bottle of champagne. Yeah, and some dip for these chips.
21:00 Something.
21:02 Lisa Simpson is no longer Little Miss Springfield.
21:05 She was stripped of her crown in a ceremony earlier today.
21:10 Well, that's obviously the wrong footage.
21:13 Uh, but it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson,
21:19 filled out the pageant application incorrectly.
21:21 In the area under Do Not Write in This Space, he wrote, OK.
21:25 If it wasn't for me, it'd still be queen.
21:28 You must hate me. Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant?
21:32 I don't know. Was I drunk?
21:34 Possibly. But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself.
21:38 And I do.
21:39 Really?
21:40 Uh-huh.
21:41 Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life?
21:43 It's a deal.
21:47 And now, my exclusive interview with His Holiness, Pope John Paul II.
21:54 That's it.
21:55 I cannot work under these conditions.
21:58 If anybody wants me, I'll be downstairs at McDougal's.
22:01 Call the weekend guy. I don't care.
22:44 It's Barsal.
22:51 Shhh.
22:58 We'll be right back.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Nelson Muntz, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier, Groundskeeper Willie, Wendell Borton, Jimbo Jones, Miss Hoover, Todd Flanders, Maude Flanders, Snowball II, Rod Flanders, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Mayor Quimby, Janey Powell, Dolph Starbeam, Itchy, Gareth Prince, Superintendent Chalmers, Sanjay Nahasapeemapetilon, Chuck Berger, Lunchlady Dora, Bleeding Gums Murphy, Blue-Haired Lawyer, Dave Shutton, Mayor Quimby's Bodyguards, Yendor, Scott Christian, Curious Bear Cub, Joey Crusher, Santa Claus, Cheery, Lowblow, Sara, Jake the Barber, Ronald Reagan, Darth Vader, Lois Pennycandy, The Godfather, Pahusacheta Nahasapeemapetilon, Farrah Fawcett, Menthol Moose, Mr. T, Mrs. Powell, Ashley, Bob Hope, Ice Cream Lady, Jack Larson, Mickey Mouse, "Little Miss Springfield" girl, Age and Weight Booth Man, Amber Dempsey, Caricature Artist, Cosmetologist, Dance Instructor, Emcee, Jack Nicklaus, Pageant Girl 1, Pageant Girl 2, Soldier 1, Soldier 2, Spray Booth Man

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character