The Front

The Simpsons, season 4, episode 19. First aired April 15, 1993. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

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About the episode

Bored by a limp new Itchy & Scratchy, Bart and Lisa write a script, and when Roger Meyers Jr. ignores it, they resubmit it under Grampa's name and split the pay as their work becomes a hit. Principal Dondelinger strips Homer's reunion awards because he never passed remedial science, so Homer retakes the class. Grampa later wins a writing award but uses his speech to condemn the show's gore.

Written by: Adam I. Lapidus
Directed by: Rich Moore
Guest stars: Brooke Shields
Chalkboard gag: I will not sell miracle cures
Couch gag: Circus Line
Production code: 9F16

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

334 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 The Simpsons
0:31 Oh, my God.
2:06 What are you going to change your name to when you grow up?
2:08 Lois Sanborn.
2:10 Steve Bennett.
2:22 Steve Bennett. Ow!
2:24 Ow!
2:28 This is a rather lifeless outing. Don't worry.
2:31 They're building to something.
2:33 Ow!
2:35 Kids, say no to drugs!
2:44 I could pull a better cartoon out of my...
2:47 Hey, whoa!
2:48 Wasn't that great, kids? That's as bad as the tasteless,
2:52 itchy and sambo cartoons of the late 30s.
2:54 The writers should be ashamed of themselves.
2:57 Cartoons have writers?
2:59 Eh, sort of.
3:00 Oh, yeah. Well, you and I could write a better cartoon than that.
3:03 Write a cartoon ourselves?
3:05 Bart, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
3:08 Probably not.
3:10 Lie in the snow and count to 60.
3:14 Hi-ya!
3:18 Merry Christmas, suckers.
3:22 Third notice.
3:24 Final notice.
3:25 Some guys are coming.
3:28 Oh, what's this?
3:30 An invitation to our high school reunion.
3:34 Gee, that's odd. They didn't send one to you.
3:36 This is it, Homer.
3:38 It's time to tell her the terrible secret from your past.
3:41 Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
3:45 Oh, my God.
3:47 No, the other secret.
3:49 Marge, I never graduated from high school.
3:52 Well, that still doesn't explain why you ate my soap.
3:55 Wait, maybe it does.
3:57 I never passed remedial science 1A.
4:00 And you're a nuclear technician?
4:03 Marge, it's nay on the uclearnay, echnition tay.
4:06 What did you say?
4:08 I don't know. I flunked Latin, too.
4:12 According to this book, the first thing we need is a setting.
4:15 Okay, setting, setting, setting, setting.
4:33 How about a barber shop?
4:35 Great!
4:36 Scratchy is getting a haircut.
4:38 Then Itchy, the barber, chops Scratchy's head off with a razor.
4:48 Ah, too predictable.
4:49 The way I see it, instead of shampoo,
4:52 Itchy covers Scratchy's hair with barbecue sauce,
4:56 opens a box of flesh-eating ants, and the rest writes itself.
5:01 Ah,
5:06 this sure ain't no good.
5:10 Finished.
5:11 Now all we have to do is put our names on it.
5:13 Fine.
5:14 Put my name first. No way.
5:16 All right.
5:17 Then to decide it, I propose a race around the world.
5:20 Meet me at Leicester Square at noon tomorrow.
5:23 The queen herself shall drop the checkered flag.
5:26 Look, there's only one reasonable way to settle this.
5:28 Rock, paper, scissors.
5:31 Poor, predictable Bart always takes rock.
5:34 Good old rock.
5:36 Nothing beats that.
5:39 Rock.
5:40 Paper.
5:42 You call this writing?
5:43 If I puked in a fountain pen and nailed it to the monkey house, I'd get better scripts.
5:47 But, sir, at Harvard they taught us... Oh, at Harvard they taught you...
5:49 Hit the streets, egghead. You should have made it in not getting fired.
5:53 Sir, Elisa and Bart Simpson sent you a script.
5:57 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
5:58 Dear Mr. Myers, my brother and I watch your show.
6:01 You should be proud that children everywhere...
6:03 Blah, blah, blah, bling, bling, bling, blah.
6:07 Hey, Egghead!
6:08 Sing Fair Harvard. Fair Harvard, I...
6:13 You, sir, have the boorish manners of a Yalie.
6:17 Here's a witty rejoinder for you.
6:20 Oh.
6:21 Bart, they rejected our script.
6:23 I guess we're just not cut out to be writers.
6:26 Maybe he just doesn't take us seriously because we're kids.
6:30 Let's put a grown-up's name on it. How about Grandpa?
6:33 He's pretty out of it. He let those guys use his checkbook for a whole year.
6:38 When I read your magazine,
6:40 I don't see one wrinkled face or single toothless grin.
6:45 For shame.
6:47 To the sickos at Modern Bride magazine.
6:51 Hey, Grandpa, we need to know your first name.
6:53 You're making my tombstone!
6:55 No, we're just curious.
6:58 All right, let's see. First name, first name.
7:00 Well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear.
7:04 It holds the answer to all the important questions.
7:08 Call me...
7:10 Abraham Simpson.
7:12 Grandpa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants?
7:16 I don't know!
7:34 What?
7:35 Sir, you locked my office and I wanted to get my Harvard mug.
7:39 Shut up.
7:48 Roxy, get me Abraham Simpson.
7:53 Phone call, Simpson.
7:55 Is this the Abraham Simpson who wrote the Itchy and Scratchy episode?
7:59 Is she in what?
8:01 Oh, you must be some kind of crazy person.
8:03 I'm sorry, but we have a substantial check here for a Mr.
8:06 Abraham Simpson.
8:08 That's right.
8:09 I did the Iggy.
8:13 Ah, my high school yearbook.
8:15 You handsome devil.
8:18 I can't believe I ate the whole thing.
8:23 Activities? None.
8:25 Sports?
8:25 None.
8:27 Honors?
8:28 None.
8:29 So many memories.
8:31 Time to go to the reunion.
8:33 It'll be great to see the old gang again.
8:36 Patsy, Ralph Malf, the Fonz. That was happy days.
8:41 No, they weren't all happy days. Like the time Pinky Tuscadero crashed her motorcycle.
8:47 Or the night I lost all my money to those card sharks and my dad Tom Bosley had to get it
8:52 back.
8:58 Hello, Principal Dandelinger.
9:00 Oh, Marge Bouvier, it's so good to see you.
9:03 Sorry, sir, we're not letting vagrants sleep in the gym tonight,
9:06 but we will be putting some scraps by the back door.
9:09 Oh!
9:09 No, it's you, Simpson.
9:15 Look, there's Bobby Mindich, the class clown.
9:19 I am not a crook.
9:22 Richard Nixon.
9:24 I know.
9:29 Oh, my God. It's my old boyfriend, Artie Ziff.
9:34 Hello, Marge. Have you heard?
9:37 I'm stinking rich.
9:40 Jealous?
9:41 I'll bet you'd trade it all for one night with my wife.
9:45 I would.
9:47 Homer!
9:49 man is Dave.
9:50 Open up, man.
9:52 Dave's not here, man.
9:55 Okay, now let's move on.
9:58 The guy's so high, he doesn't even know that's Dave.
10:02 Homer.
10:04 Homer's not here, man.
10:07 Okay, very good.
10:08 Now let's get on with our really big show.
10:11 Ed Sullivan.
10:12 Shh.
10:13 First, the award for the alumnus who's gained the most weight, Homer Simpson.
10:18 Oh, my God!
10:19 How'd you do it, Homer?
10:21 I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch.
10:25 And now the award for most improved odor, Homer Simpson.
10:29 Yes!
10:31 And the person who traveled the least distance to be here, well, kiss my grids.
10:38 Homer Simpson.
10:41 What can I say? It hasn't been easy staying in my rut.
10:45 Class of 74,
10:46 I was just leafing through your permanent records when I discovered something shocking.
10:51 Homer Simpson never passed remedial science 1A and thus never graduated from high school.
10:57 I'm sorry, Simpson. I'm going to have to take back those awards.
11:06 This is Howard Coe's smell.
11:09 Homer Simpson is a boob.
11:12 What do you think, J.J.?
11:15 They don't eat!
11:16 Didn't graduate!
11:18 How low can you get?
11:20 Barney, where's your cummerbund?
11:21 It fell in the toilet.
11:26 Marge, I have my pride.
11:28 I'm going to go to night school, earn my high school diploma,
11:31 and get back my most improved odor trophy.
11:35 You're a comedy writer?
11:36 My God, you're so old. I want my check!
11:40 You're a writer, all right.
11:42 All right, here you go, Simpson.
11:43 I want another one. You're a funny guy.
11:46 How would you like a staff job? I'll start you at $800 a week.
11:49 My chest hurts.
11:53 All right, leeches.
11:55 I want you to see what a good writer looks like.
11:57 His name is Abraham Simpson,
11:59 and he's got something you couldn't get at your fancy schools.
12:02 Life experience.
12:03 Actually, you know, I wrote my thesis on life experience.
12:06 And quiet!
12:08 Abe, tell him about your amazing life.
12:10 I spent 40 years as a night watchman at a cranberry silo.
12:15 Wow.
12:16 So, this patch steadily releases nicotine into my body,
12:20 eliminating my need for cigarettes.
12:30 All the cartoon. They're watching a cartoon show!
12:38 Bart! Our cartoon's on TV!
12:41 Alright!
12:42 Turn up the volume!
12:45 Erosion is a slow but steady process.
12:48 Ah,
12:52 this show ain't no good.
13:18 Bart, Lisa, I have something to tell you and I'm not proud of it.
13:22 Dad, whatever you say, you know you'll always have my love and respect.
13:28 I never graduated from high school.
13:40 Hello, son.
13:41 I was on my way home from work and thought I'd drop by.
13:44 Oh, you have a job?
13:46 They pay me $800 a week to tell a cat and mouse what to do.
13:52 I see.
14:02 Dad, can we talk to Grandpa alone for a minute?
14:04 All right.
14:05 But if he starts to wig out, try to lure him into the cellar.
14:09 Then we put your name on the script and sent it in.
14:12 Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?
14:15 I figured because the Democrats were in power again.
14:18 Grandpa, we could write the scripts for you and split the money three ways.
14:22 I don't know. I'd better sleep on it.
14:29 Grandpa? Grandpa?
14:31 Oh, why didn't you wake me? I was having the nicest dream.
14:35 I dreamt I was the queen of the Old West.
14:39 I kept a six-shooter in my carter, I did.
14:42 Do we have a deal?
14:43 Sure, sure.
14:48 Boy, stop!
14:50 You can both marry me!
14:55 Hey,
15:02 how would you kids like a tour of the studio?
15:04 Yay!
15:07 Abe, you coming? Any stairs?
15:09 Just one. That's to you.
15:23 Wow, it must be expensive to produce all these cartoons Well,
15:27 we cut corners Sometimes to save money Our animators will reuse the same backgrounds Over
15:32 and over and over again
15:44 Welcome to Remedial Science 1A.
15:46 My wife recently passed away. I thought teaching might ease my loneliness.
15:51 Will this be on the test?
15:52 No.
15:55 Hey, Mel, bring me another nicotine patch.
15:59 I think there's some space on my butt.
16:02 And now, here's another fine, itchy and scratchy cartoon by Abraham Simpson.
16:51 Now I'm going to burn this donut to show you how many calories it has.
16:55 No!
16:57 The bright blue flame indicates this was a particularly sweet donut.
17:01 Oh!
17:02 This is not happening!
17:06 Dear Mr.
17:07 President, there are too many states nowadays.
17:11 Please eliminate three.
17:13 I am not a crackpot.
17:15 Good news, Abe. Who are you?
17:18 Now, now, you've been nominated for an award.
17:20 You're so good, I fired the other writers.
17:22 From now on, the fate of the entire company rests on that delightful coconut of yours.
17:27 Oh, no!
17:28 We're all doomed.
17:30 I'm a complete fraud.
17:32 Sorry, I didn't catch any of that. And now I gotta go.
17:37 All right, here are your exams. Fifty questions.
17:40 True or false?
17:41 True.
17:42 Homer, I was just describing the test.
17:44 True.
17:45 Look, Homer, just take the test and you'll do fine.
17:47 False.
17:50 All right, brain.
17:51 You don't like me and I don't like you.
17:53 But let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.
17:58 It's a deal.
18:01 Thank you for this award.
18:02 It is a tribute to this great country That a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt
18:08 Could win back your trust Yo, Grandpa,
18:11 time for the awards Did you call the girl from the escort service?
18:14 They said their insurance won't cover you Oh,
18:17 that's an onion in the ointment And now,
18:26 to present the award for outstanding writing in a cartoon series Krusty the Clown and
18:31 Brooke Shields
18:35 Well, here we are. The star of the Blue Lagoon, and me,
18:40 the blue-haired goon.
18:42 What the?
18:44 That's terrible.
18:45 Cartoons have the power to make us laugh and to make us cry.
18:49 Wouldn't you agree, Krusty? First of all, my hair is green, not blue.
18:54 I got nothing to work with here.
18:55 Nothing.
18:57 Well, at least I can take off this girdle.
19:02 Oh, yeah.
19:05 The nominees for Best Writing in a Cartoon Series are Strongdar,
19:10 Master of Acom, The Wedding Episode.
19:15 Action Figure Man, The How to Buy Action Figure Man Episode.
19:21 Please, Mommy, I want it.
19:27 Ren and Stimpy, Season Premiere.
19:32 And finally, Itchy and Scratchy, the little barbershop of horrors episode.
19:37 Cross my fingers for me.
19:40 That's gonna hurt come winter.
19:51 And the winner is... Itchy and Scratchy,
19:56 Abraham Simpson Rice.
19:59 All right, Grandpa!
20:00 Woo!
20:03 That was the first time I ever saw Itchy and Scratchy, and I didn't like it one bit.
20:09 It was disgusting and violent. I think all you people are despicable.
20:15 First time!
20:20 He's right.
20:21 We've been wasting our lives. To hell with cartoons.
20:24 I'm gonna do what I've always dreamed of.
20:26 I'm gonna write that sitcom about the sassy robot.
20:28 Here, kids. I guess you deserve this. Let's go.
20:33 I guess nobody likes the truth, huh, Grandpa?
20:37 Nope.
20:37 I'll never watch an awards show again.
20:40 Unless that delightful Billy Crystal's involved.
20:43 Mert, I passed! That's wonderful, homie!
20:47 At our next high school reunion, I'll have nothing to be ashamed of.
20:59 Hello, Dunderlinger. Simpson, is that a plunger stuck on your head?
21:05 Don't!
21:12 Hens love roosters,
21:13 geese love ganders Everyone else loves Ned Flanders Not me
21:19 Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders
21:26 Knock that off, you two. It's time for church.
21:28 We're not going to church today.
21:31 What?
21:32 You give me one good reason.
21:34 It's Saturday.
21:36 Ok-a-a-dok-a-ly-doo.
21:38 Hens love roosters, geese love ganders. Everyone else loves Ned Flanders.
22:00 Thank you.
22:29 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Grampa Simpson, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Krusty the Clown, Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier, Todd Flanders, Rod Flanders, Sideshow Mel, Itchy, Scratchy, Bleeding Gums Murphy, Bubbles, Jebediah Springfield, Curious Bear Cub, Mona Simpson, Radioactive Man, Santa Claus, Elvis Presley, Albert Einstein, Roger Meyers Jr., Larry Davis, Drummer, Artie Ziff, Guitarist, John Swartzwelder, Matt Groening, Brooke Shields, Harlan Dondelinger, Retirement Castle orderly, The Ren & Stimpy Show, Bobby Mindix, Harvard Graduate, Matzo ball soup chef, Roxie, Strongdar: Master of Akarm

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character