Whacking Day

The Simpsons, season 4, episode 20. First aired April 29, 1993. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← The Front Marge in Chains → The whole episode as text

From “Whacking Day”: “I've had a cold, so I... Oh, so you hear ours is bees?” — I've had a cold, so I... Oh, so you hear ours is bees?

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About the episode

Bart escapes the school basement during Superintendent Chalmers's inspection, sends Groundskeeper Willie's tractor into Chalmers and is expelled, so Marge homeschools him. Her lessons turn him into an eager reader who spots that the founding legend of Whacking Day, Springfield's yearly snake-clubbing holiday, cannot be true. When the day arrives, he and Lisa, who has opposed it all along, use Barry White's singing to lure the snakes to safety.

Written by: John Swartzwelder
Directed by: Jeffrey Lynch
Guest stars: Barry White
Chalkboard gag: I will return the seeing-eye dog
Couch gag: Small Chair
Production code: 9F18

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

348 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:04 The Simpsons
0:39 Ah!
0:59 Children,
1:00 we've just been tipped off that Superintendent Chalmers is planning a surprise inspection,
1:04 so let's clean up this pigsty.
1:11 On another topic, the following students have won mountain bikes.
1:15 Bart Simpson, Jimbo Jones, Nelson Muntz.
1:19 I want you to keep filling your shirt with crud till I get back.
1:24 Yes, sir.
1:27 You may pick your bikes up in Utility Basement B.
1:32 Fools.
1:41 Oops.
1:42 Still on.
1:44 Hey, what do you think you meant by that fool's remark?
1:48 Ah, who cares? Time to get me a mountain bike.
1:57 Hey, what gives? Where are the mountain bikes?
2:00 Sorry about the ruse, gentlemen.
2:02 You are being swept under the rug for the superintendent's visit.
2:06 Enjoy.
2:08 How are we going to get out of here? And when are we going to get our mountain bikes?
2:13 Would the world judge me harshly if I threw away the key?
2:16 No, but the PTA would tear you a new arse.
2:19 Wise counsel, William. But the potty talk adds nothing.
2:22 Aye, sir.
2:23 You're back-tinking, underpants-wearing, lily-hugger.
2:31 Oh.
2:33 Superintendent Chalmers, welcome.
2:35 Hello, Seymour. So, what's the word down at one school board plaza?
2:39 We're dropping the geography requirement.
2:41 The children weren't testing well. It was proving to be an embarrassment.
2:44 Very good.
2:45 Back to the three R's.
2:47 Two R's come October.
2:48 Hmm.
2:49 What do you think of the banners?
2:50 Nothing but transparent toadying.
2:53 They were the children's idea.
2:54 I tried to stop them.
2:55 It's always the children's fault, isn't it, Seymour?
2:58 Yes.
2:59 Yes, it is, sir.
3:01 Imagine a school out there with no bullies.
3:05 Science geeks not getting beat up. Kids using their lunch money for food.
3:10 I can't take it!
3:16 Hey, I think I can squeeze through that vent.
3:19 All right! All right, Bart, do it, man!
3:29 Now remember, little dude, you're our only hope.
3:35 Got him. Way to go, man.
3:39 May I interest you in a jello brick, sir?
3:42 There's a grape in the center.
3:43 Well, I'm not made of stone.
3:46 You're not made of stone.
3:49 Brick, you're not made of stone.
3:53 Oh, my beauty.
3:55 Wait till the superintendent sees you.
3:57 Were it not a violation of God's law, I'd make you my wife.
4:02 Now thar's a lonely man.
4:11 I'm new in town.
4:12 Be there a cool lack where a lass could wash her long red hair.
4:17 Nay, but there's a pool at me apartment complex.
4:20 There was a rat in the deep end.
4:22 But we got him. Ah, lead on.
4:28 48, 49, 50.
4:31 Flags up to date.
4:32 Very good, Seymour.
4:34 Now, are these children as smart as they look?
4:36 Well, let's pick one at random.
4:39 How about that one? You mean this boy here?
4:41 No, no, Lisa Simpson.
4:42 When was the Battle of New Orleans? January 8th, 1815, two weeks after the war ended.
4:49 First rate.
4:50 What's a battle?
4:53 Let's go. Did that boy say, what's a battle?
4:55 No, he said, what's that rattle? It's about the eating duck.
4:58 It sounded like battle.
5:00 I've had a cold, so I... Oh, so you hear ours is bees?
5:03 Yes.
5:04 I understand.
5:13 Come on, Mark.
5:15 Ride me.
5:18 I better not.
5:22 He's insulting both of us.
5:26 Let's go.
5:32 Hey!
5:34 Ah!
5:42 Excellent.
5:42 Not a trace of urine.
5:44 Seymour, you're on a tight ship.
5:45 Well, you know what they say, sir. Where there's no smoke, there's no fire.
5:49 What an odd remark.
5:51 Why, that looks like a 50 cent piece. I'll just bend over and get it.
5:57 Seems to be caught...
5:59 ...between these two flowers.
6:04 Ow, ow, ow.
6:06 Seymour, I was thinking of promoting you to assistant superintendent.
6:10 But instead, that plum goes to Holloway.
6:13 No, but sir, he's a drunk. And a pill popper.
6:15 If I could just- Silence!
6:17 And why is a cafeteria worker posing as a nurse?
6:20 I get two paychecks this way. Duh.
6:25 There's no detention this time, Simpson.
6:27 This is the end. You are expelled from Springfield Elementary.
6:44 Tonight on Eye on Springfield, the Munchkins from the Wizard of Oz.
6:48 Where are they now?
6:51 and we'll visit a nudist camp for animals.
6:55 But first,
6:56 a look at the local holiday that was called Distasteful and Purile by a panel of
7:01 hillbillies.
7:02 Whacking Day!
7:03 Oh, no, no!
7:05 In a tradition that dates back to founding father Jebediah Springfield,
7:09 every May 10th,
7:10 local residents gather to drive snakes into the center of town and whack them to snake
7:14 heaven.
7:21 After exposing Alger Hiss,
7:23 Honorary Grand Marshal Richard Nixon goes after another deadly hiss.
7:33 Is working day over?
7:37 Thank you.
7:38 Thanks for coming out.
7:41 It's all so barbaric. Hey, kids. How was school?
7:45 I learned how many drams and a penny weight.
7:47 I got expelled.
7:48 That's my boy.
7:51 Mmm, beer.
7:53 What?
7:53 Look, Dad, I don't need school.
7:56 I'll make my way as a boot black.
7:57 Shine your boots, governor.
7:59 No son of mine is going to be a 19th century cocky boot black.
8:02 We're going to find you another school.
8:10 Now, remember, Bart, this is a religious school,
8:12 so be very careful about what you say and do here.
8:15 No problemo.
8:16 Now, Bart, since you're new here, Perhaps you'd favor us with a psalm.
8:21 How about Beans, Beans, the Musical Fruit?
8:25 Well, beans were a staple of the Israelites, yes, per se.
8:31 Beans, Beans, the Musical Fruit. The more you eat, the more you toot.
8:40 Avert your eyes, children.
8:41 He may take on other forms.
8:45 I guess that's it. I just can't be educated.
8:50 Hmm.
8:51 I can always get a job testing dangerous food additives.
8:55 We'd like you to try this new diet cola.
8:58 We call it nature's goodness.
9:00 What's in it? 2,4-desoxyprofenyramine.
9:13 Sweet.
9:14 Pleasing taste? Some monsterism.
9:18 Cool.
9:20 You're going to get an education.
9:22 I'm going to teach you myself.
9:24 Marge, it's too late. The boy's ten years old.
9:27 Let's focus our energy on Lisa and the other one.
9:30 What's your problem?
9:32 Wacking day's coming.
9:33 Woo-hoo!
9:34 The greatest day of the year. But killing snakes is evil.
9:38 Maybe so, Lisa. But it's part of our oh-so-human nature.
9:42 Inside every man is a struggle between good and evil that cannot be resolved.
9:49 I am Evil Homer!
10:01 Have a nice day at school, Elise.
10:03 I'll just try and make the best of a bad situation.
10:09 Bart, get dressed for school. I expect you to be in your seat when the bell rings.
10:17 I bought a bell.
10:26 I think I'll unplug that.
10:31 I'm your new teacher.
10:33 My name is Mrs.
10:34 Simpson.
10:38 Hmm.
10:53 I didn't do it.
10:58 Oh, that's right. I invited a guest speaker to talk to the class.
11:02 Hello, children.
11:04 I got separated from my platoon after we parachuted into Dusseldorf.
11:13 So I rode out the war posing as a German cabaret singer.
11:19 Won't you come home, Franz Bruder?
11:22 Won't you come home?
11:25 Yoo-hoo!
11:28 Oh!
11:33 Ach du lieber, das ist not einer booby! Is that story true, Grandpa?
11:38 Well, most of it. I did wear a dress for a period in the 40s.
11:42 Oh, they had designers then.
11:50 Look what I got, Marge.
11:53 A new whacking stick.
11:55 Whack!
11:57 Excuse me.
11:59 Whack, whack, whack!
12:00 Whoa, whoa, whoa!
12:03 Bart, I want you to read this copy of Johnny Tremaine.
12:06 It's a book I read as a girl. A book?
12:09 I think you might like this. It's about a boy who goes to war.
12:13 His hand is deformed in an accident. Deformed?
12:16 Why didn't you say so?
12:18 They should call this book Johnny Deformed.
12:26 Guest director, Oliver Stone.
12:34 Oh, God! Get his gun!
12:36 T-N-T-T-Z!
12:38 Hundreds would die, but not the thing they died for.
12:42 A man can stand up.
12:46 Wow.
12:47 Mm-hmm.
12:48 If you'd like to learn more about colonial times,
12:50 we could take a field trip to old Springfield town.
12:57 Oh!
13:17 What?
13:17 Dead!
13:19 Everyone likes Whacking Day, but I hate it.
13:21 Is there something wrong with me?
13:23 Yes, honey.
13:25 Then what should I do?
13:26 Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time.
13:32 Like that day I hit the referee with a whiskey bottle.
13:35 Remember that?
13:36 Yeah. When Daddy hit the referee?
13:38 Yeah. Yeah.
13:45 Any experience?
13:46 Yes, I played Panicky Idiot No. 2 in The Poseidon Adventure.
13:50 Sorry, we're looking for more of a duh-duh idiot.
13:55 But... I see.
13:59 Hello, Barney. Are you playing the town drunk?
14:02 Actually, I'm supposed to be the governor.
14:05 The enemy surrounded the fort and said that if the captain was sent out,
14:09 the rest would be spared. What did they do?
14:12 They sent him out. Was he killed? And how?
14:15 That's why they call it Fort Sensible.
14:19 This is Jebediah Springfield at the Battle of Ticonderoga.
14:24 Next.
14:25 And here he is, killing a snake on the very first whacking day in 1775.
14:31 Hey, wait a minute.
14:33 That was the same day he was at Ticonderoga.
14:36 How could he be in two places at once?
14:38 Uh, um, you see.
14:45 And blow the whole deal.
14:46 Get him out of here. Roger.
14:50 If you want to learn more about Whacking Day, there are many fine books in our gift shop.
14:55 Welcome to your official Whacking Day headquarters.
14:58 I've hidden a snake somewhere in the store.
15:01 The first one to whack it gets a free squishy.
15:06 That's a licorice.
15:08 Hey, hey!
15:12 Oh, I should have put more thought into my promotion.
15:14 Aim for the body, man.
15:16 Right, Chief.
15:20 And the Lord said, Whack ye all the serpents which crawl on their bellies,
15:25 and thy town shall be a beacon unto others.
15:30 So you see, Lisa, even God himself endorses whacking day.
15:35 Let me see that.
15:37 No.
15:42 Oh, whacking day, oh, whacking day,
15:46 Our hallowed snake skull-cracking day We'll break their
15:52 backs,
15:53 gouge out their eyes Their evil hearts will pulverize
15:58 Oh, Wacking Day, oh,
16:02 Wacking Day May God be so His grace on
16:07 me Here you go. Official Wacking Day parking.
16:12 Ten dollars per axle.
16:19 Woo-hoo!
16:20 Ho-day!
16:23 Take that, snake!
16:25 And you, too!
16:26 Snakes! Snakes everywhere!
16:28 Getting ready for Wacking Day?
16:30 Oh, it's Wacking Day.
16:38 Did you bring the pre-work snakes?
16:42 Beautiful.
16:47 Well, Marge, should I whack slow or fast?
16:51 Slow, then fast.
16:56 Uh-oh.
16:58 Dad, please, for the last time, I beg you, don't lower yourself to the level of the mob.
17:04 Lisa, maybe if I'm part of that mob, I can help steer it in wise directions.
17:09 Now, where's my giant foam cowboy hat and air horn?
17:17 And now to open this year's festivities, here's our Grand Marshal,
17:22 the prophet of love, Larry White. Barry White.
17:26 No, it says here Larry White. I know my own name.
17:29 Yeah, well, we'll see.
17:33 Ladies and gentlemen, my unlimited love to y'all.
17:37 It's truly an honor to be here at this...
17:41 Hey, what is this all about anyway?
17:43 I don't know if it's all about snakes.
17:45 Oh, God, no.
17:46 You people make me sick.
17:50 Were they even listening to me?
17:52 I don't think so.
17:54 And now, let's hear it for our own Miss Springfield.
17:58 Gentlemen, start your whacking.
18:21 Oh, a bug!
18:29 If the snakes were in here, we could protect them.
18:32 Well, according to this, snakes hear by sensing vibrations in the ground.
18:36 So,
18:37 if we put our stereo speakers on the ground and play something with a lot of bass,
18:41 those snakes will be in here like Oprah on a baked ham.
18:44 Oh, good idea.
18:46 Let's see.
18:47 Bay Space, Tiny Tim, The Chipmunk's Greatest Hits, A Castrato Christmas.
18:54 Can't get enough of your love, babe.
18:58 Mr. White, can we borrow you for a minute?
19:01 Anything for a lady.
19:06 Don't bother the snakes.
19:08 Leave all the snakes alone.
19:14 Ah, yeah
19:16 Oh, oh, babe
19:20 I mean
19:23 My darling, I
19:26 Can't get enough of your love, babe
19:31 Girl, I don't know, I don't know why
19:35 Can't get enough of your love, babe
19:40 Some things I can't get used to
19:44 No matter how I try
19:49 It's like the more you give, the more I want
19:52 And baby, that's no,
19:55 that's no lie Tell me, what can I say?
20:01 What am I gonna do?
20:03 How should I feel?
20:10 Hey, where'd all the snakes go?
20:18 People of Springfield, whacking day is a sham.
20:23 It was started in 1924 as an excuse to beat up the Irish.
20:27 It is true.
20:28 I took many a lump.
20:29 That was all in good fun. Now, wait a minute.
20:32 How can you people turn on snakes after all they've done for you?
20:36 I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock.
20:40 Ooh, it's on now. Mrs. Glick, who killed all those rats in your basement?
20:44 Snake did.
20:46 And you like snakes, don't you, Barry White?
20:48 I love the sexy slither of a lady snake.
20:51 Oh, baby.
20:53 Hooray for snakes!
20:56 Look at this, everyone.
20:58 Twelve dead snakes. Boo!
21:01 I'm sick of you people. You're nothing but a pack of fickle mush heads.
21:06 He's right. Give us hell, Quimby!
21:08 Yay!
21:10 Born free
21:13 As free as the wind blows
21:18 As free as the grass grows Bart,
21:22 I'm very impressed at the independent learning you've displayed here.
21:25 Thanks, Seymour.
21:27 Yes.
21:28 Anyway, as a reward for your studying, I've decided to welcome you back to our school.
21:32 You'll be reunited with your chums, Nelson, Jimbo, Oh, dear God!
21:38 I guess I've always used violence as a way of getting attention.
21:42 Yes, yes, me too!
21:48 Faster, Willie, faster!
21:50 Now we give them the bikes, no one sues.
21:55 What if they're dead, sir? Then we ride these bikes to Mexico, and freedom, Willie!
22:00 Freedom!
22:02 He'll turn you in at the first tollbooth.
22:05 Thank you.
22:59 Shhh.
23:05 We'll be right back.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Nelson Muntz, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Jasper Beardsley, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Patty Bouvier, Reverend Lovejoy, Selma Bouvier, Groundskeeper Willie, Lou, Richard, Jimbo Jones, Eddie, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Mayor Quimby, Janey Powell, Larry Dalrymple, Helen Lovejoy, Sam, Adrian Belew, Bernice Hibbert, Becky Shorter, Dolph Starbeam, Horatio McCallister, Comic Book Guy, Itchy, Jaffee Ziswhisky, Scratchy, Dewey Largo, Superintendent Chalmers, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Lewis' lookalike, Boy with shades, Troy McClure, Alice Glick, Chuck Berger, Lunchlady Dora, Black Weasel, Wanda, Fat Tony, White-Haired Girl, Jack Marley, Marvin Monroe, Mayor Quimby's Bodyguards, Louie, Legs, Jebediah Springfield, Richard Nixon, Adolf Hitler, Hans, Fritz, The Godfather, Barry White, Joey, Irish Pete, Evil Homer, Ezekiel, Horst, Ishmael, Miss Springfield, Benito Mussolini, Christian Teacher, Olde Springfield Recruiter, Scottish Woman, Village Idiot

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character