Krusty Gets Kancelled

The Simpsons, season 4, episode 22. First aired May 13, 1993. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Marge in Chains Homer's Barbershop Quartet → The whole episode as text

From “Krusty Gets Kancelled”: “Oh, qué lastima.” — Oh, qué lastima.

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About the episode

Gabbo, a ventriloquist's dummy worked by Arthur Crandall, gets a children's show in Krusty's time slot, and Krusty's ratings sink until he is cancelled and broke. After Bart's attempt to catch Gabbo insulting his viewers on air backfires, Bart and Lisa line up Krusty's famous friends, including Johnny Carson, Bette Midler, the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Luke Perry, for a prime-time special that relaunches his career.

Written by: John Swartzwelder
Directed by: David Silverman
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel; Johnny Carson; Barry White; Elizabeth Taylor; Luke Perry; Bette Midler; Hugh Hefner
Chalkboard gag: I will not charge admission to the bathroom
Couch gag: Net Trap
Production code: 9F19

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

331 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 The Simpsons
0:32 Oh, my God.
1:22 Live from Springfield Harbor, where the sewage meets the sand.
1:30 It's the Springfield Squares!
1:36 Now, Jacqueline, I believe it's your turn.
1:38 I'll take Rainier Wolfcastle to block.
1:41 Oh, Rainier Wolfcastle, star of McBain and the upcoming film Help!
1:44 My son is a nerd.
1:46 My son returns from a fancy East Coast college, and I'm horrified to find he's a nerd.
1:53 I'm laughing already. It's not a comedy.
1:56 Oh.
1:57 Attention. This is the Coast Guard. A 50-foot tidal wave is heading this way.
2:02 All game shows off the beach.
2:07 Everybody up here to my square.
2:09 It's safe and it's sexy.
2:11 Oh, baby.
2:13 Hurry, Charlie.
2:14 There is not much time.
2:16 I ain't going nowhere.
2:18 I've been in this square pert near 30 seasons, and I ain't leaving now.
2:24 He's dead now.
2:28 Gabbo, Gabbo, Gabbo!
2:31 Did you see that? Yeah.
2:34 What's Gabbo?
2:35 I figure it's some guy's name.
2:37 Some guy named Gabbo.
2:43 I don't think they're giving you enough information, Dad.
2:46 I'll figure it out. I'm gonna use all the power of my brain.
2:56 Look, Smithers, Gabo is coming Ah, yes, sir
3:01 Everyone is saying Gabo this and Gabo that But no one is saying
3:07 worship this and Jericho that Was this about Gabo?
3:14 I can't believe it Our first glimpse of Gabo He'll tell us what to do
3:22 Hello, I'm Gabbo.
3:25 And I'm Arthur Crandall. That's easy for you to say.
3:28 You don't have a hand up, you tuchus.
3:30 Oy, hey!
3:32 Oh, Gabbo, you'll say anything. And you can watch us every afternoon at four.
3:38 That's the same time as Krusty the Clown.
3:40 Uh-oh, that cute little character could take America by storm.
3:44 All he needs is a hook.
3:46 I'm a bad widow boy. Ay, caramba!
3:52 You're gonna like me, you're gonna love me!
3:56 Cause I can do most anything!
3:59 I can do the holly-gully!
4:01 I can imitate Vince Scully!
4:04 Let's take time out from this triple play to talk about Farmer Dan's pure pork sausage!
4:09 I'll give out shiny dimes!
4:12 I'll travel back in time!
4:15 You're gonna like him!
4:18 Your bundle of game is the greatest
4:23 show in time.
4:31 Hello!
4:35 That dummy doesn't scare me.
4:38 I've had plenty of guys come after me and I've buried them all.
4:41 Hobos, sea captains, Joey Bishop. Don't forget the Special Olympics.
4:46 Oh, yeah. Yeah, I slaughtered the Special Olympics.
4:50 Are those our ratings?
4:52 Let me see.
4:53 I lost to Channel Ocho.
4:55 What the hell is that?
4:58 Dos huevos, por favor.
5:01 Oh, qué lastima.
5:04 I gotta steal that bet.
5:09 This is boring.
5:11 I wonder what would happen if you put your train on there.
5:18 Cool.
5:19 Now let's throw some crud on it. Hey, it's 4 o'clock!
5:26 So, you want ventriloquism, do you?
5:29 Alright, watch this.
5:31 Hello, Alphonse. I've got a riddle for you.
5:33 Why is a raven like a writing desk? I don't know.
5:37 Why is a...
5:40 Hey, that dummy can't hurt you. He's not even alive.
5:44 He's dead.
5:57 All right, here's the deal.
5:59 Every time you watch my show, I will send you $40.
6:04 Jax will not be honored.
6:05 I admit I used the city treasury to fund the murder of my enemies.
6:09 But as Gabble would say, I'm a bad little boy.
6:19 Well, kids, this is where you would watch Itchy and Scratchy.
6:23 Except they're on the Gabo show now.
6:26 So, here's Eastern Europe's favorite cat and mouse team, Worker and Parasite.
6:46 I can't get it.
6:52 What the hell was that?
7:04 Well, that's it.
7:05 We've been canceled.
7:07 I think we can be proud that we never did a bad show.
7:10 Except for that week Ray J. Johnson was my co-host.
7:13 You can call me Ray, and you can call me Jay.
7:18 That thing was funny for about three seconds.
7:21 But the important thing is, we're like a family.
7:24 Of course, Steve.
7:25 Shut your hole!
7:32 Crossy, how you holding up?
7:34 I'm kind of worried about the future.
7:36 How do you deal with it? Well, you've been on TV longer than I have.
7:40 I'm sure you've saved up quite a nest egg.
7:42 Oh, yeah.
7:43 Do they still buy human hair down at the wig shop?
7:51 Frosty, you want to stay for dinner?
7:52 Nah, sorry.
7:54 Oh, that's too bad. Because tonight my guest will be Dr.
7:56 Carl Sagan and from the San Diego Zoo, Joan Embry.
8:02 Oh, Kyle.
8:03 I just don't think I fit in here at Melrose Place.
8:06 From now on, I'll be doing the thinking for both of us.
8:12 Next Come on,
8:18 you stupid horse I got my last ten bucks on you No,
8:22 don't look at me Run
8:25 No, don't come over here Oh, boy
8:32 And now it's time for another patented Gabbo crank call Oh,
8:37 I love these I can't believe it He stole this bit from Krusty.
8:41 Yeah, well, Krusty stole it from Steve Allen.
8:44 Oh, everything's stolen nowadays.
8:46 Why, the fax machine is nothing but a waffle iron with a phone attached.
8:51 It's ringing.
8:53 Hello, is this Krusty the Cloud? Is this the callback for that porno film?
8:57 Look, I was a little nervous that day, but I'm all man, I can assure you.
9:02 No, I represent a Japanese camera company.
9:05 We'd like to pay you $2 million to do a camera commercial.
9:09 Whoa! Me, Reiki, very much.
9:12 Oh, I hope I didn't offend you.
9:14 I need this bad. Bad enough to hit yourself over the head with the phone?
9:18 Oh, you got it.
9:21 Go! Go!
9:22 Ugh, blood.
9:26 What the?
9:28 If this is anyone but Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit.
9:32 Somebody ought to ruin Gabbo's career the way he ruined Krusty's.
9:35 Two wrongs don't make a right, Bart. Yes, they do.
9:38 No, they don't. Yes, they do. No, they don't.
9:39 Yes, they do. Dad!
9:41 Two wrongs make a right, Lisa.
9:43 Ah, Rex Morgan, M.D. You have the prescription for the Daily Blues.
9:49 We'll be back after this commercial for Gabo Airlines.
9:53 And cut.
9:55 That ought to hold a little S.O.B.s. Gabo, quiet.
9:58 Oh, I wouldn't want to offend a little S.O.B.s.
10:01 I wish you'd stop saying that.
10:03 Hmm.
10:06 Hey, boyo, what's so funny? Well, it's...
10:09 Nah, you wouldn't be interested. It's too lowbrow.
10:11 No, I'm quite lowbrow.
10:13 Well, somebody just wrote a body limerick on the men's room wall.
10:16 This I gotta see.
10:20 All the kids in Springfield are SOBs.
10:24 Gabbo's kind of language has no place on or off TV.
10:28 And that's my two cents.
10:31 That ought to hold those SOBs.
10:35 What the?
10:40 Oh, no.
10:43 Krusty, are you making any money?
10:45 Nah, that guy's giving it away for free.
10:48 Old grey mare, she ain't what she used to be.
10:52 Ain't what she used to be.
10:57 35 years in show business and already no one remembers me.
11:01 Just like, what's his name and who's this?
11:05 and, you know, that guy always wore a shirt.
11:08 Ed Sullivan?
11:09 Yeah.
11:10 I didn't know you knew Luke Perry.
11:13 Pfft, now I'm... He's my worthless half-brother.
11:16 He's a big TV star.
11:18 Yeah, on Fox.
11:22 Elizabeth Taylor?
11:24 Bette Midler?
11:25 Bette and I owned a racehorse together.
11:28 Crudler.
11:29 Hey, Bart, if we get all these big stars to appear on a special with Krusty,
11:33 it might get his career going again.
11:40 Here's my address book.
11:41 Go get those stars.
11:44 It won't be easy, but I'm gonna claw my way back onto TV.
11:50 Old grey mare, she ain't what she used to be.
11:54 Ain't what she used to be. Ain't what she used to be.
11:57 And now, the crazy old man singers.
12:00 Old grey mare, she ain't what she used to be.
12:03 Ain't what she used to be.
12:10 Miss Midler, I can't believe you do this all by yourself.
12:14 We're Americans.
12:15 We deserve clean highways.
12:19 You pigs!
12:22 Oh, no!
12:24 Bat Midler!
12:33 Now, where were we? We were asking you to appear on Krusty's comeback special.
12:37 Okay, tell Krusty he can count me in.
12:44 It's time to take out the trash.
12:50 I'll get you for this, bit more!
12:56 And off to your left is Hugh Hefner, Shelbyville Pat.
12:59 A lot of people know about the grotto and the game room.
13:02 Of course. But few know about the laboratory, the biosphere,
13:06 the alternative energy research center.
13:12 Fascinating.
13:18 The salinization plant?
13:20 Yes.
13:20 The grotto uses so much water, the bunnies felt we should go this way.
13:24 Smart bunnies, Hef.
13:25 I can't call you Hef, can't I?
13:27 No.
13:30 You told our agent this place holds 30,000 people.
13:33 It does. We had 30,000 here last night. Now play.
13:36 The audience is getting restless.
13:38 We want Chili Willie.
13:42 Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers, would you guys like to appear on a Krusty the Clown special?
13:47 Sure. You can get us out of this gig. No problemo.
13:50 Hey, Moe, look over there.
13:52 What? What am I looking at? I don't see nothing.
13:55 I'm gonna stop looking soon.
13:57 What?
13:58 What, is that it? Hey, Moe, can I look too?
14:01 Sure, but it'll cost you. My wallet's in the car.
14:04 He is so stupid.
14:07 And now back to the wall.
14:14 Miss Taylor, a couple of grade school kids wanted you to be on a Krusty special.
14:18 I told them to puzzle off.
14:20 Good.
14:25 Krusty, we've got great news.
14:30 Whoa!
14:32 Krusty, what have you done to yourself?
14:35 I thought I'd get into shape, so I've been drinking nothing but milkshakes.
14:38 You mean those diet milkshakes?
14:40 Uh-oh.
14:41 Now you can stay with us until you lose that weight.
14:44 You can sleep on the sofa. It folds right out.
14:51 Oh wait, that was the old sofa.
15:01 Oh, I'll never get my aim back.
15:03 You gotta keep working on it.
15:08 Mmm, delicious.
15:15 Oh, why am I bothering? It's hopeless.
15:18 Hi, kids. It's me, Gabbo.
15:21 Ha-ha-ha.
15:22 Hi-ho.
15:27 Pork prices rose in early trading today.
15:39 But you've got to come back, Mel. We're a team.
15:43 No, Krusty. You always treated me rather shabbily.
15:46 On our last show,
15:47 you poured liquid nitrogen down my pants and cracked my buttocks with a hammer.
15:51 Oh, come on. You want to waste your life hanging out with a bunch of dorky teenagers?
15:55 Here's your taco, mister.
15:57 Oops, fell in the fryer. I'll get it out.
16:00 Ow!
16:04 Sorry, Krusty. I like it here.
16:06 Mr. Johansson treats me with dignity.
16:08 Is this clown bothering you, Mel? That's all right, Mr.
16:11 Johansson. I'll handle it.
16:13 Here's your taco, sir.
16:14 I don't want it. But this comes out of my salary.
16:17 If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me.
16:19 Okay, Krusty, let's rehearse the balloon bit.
16:22 Look, kids.
16:25 A horsey!
16:26 And what are you making, Sideshow Luke Perry?
16:31 A 19th century carousel.
16:37 Upstage me, will you? Get the hell out! Look,
16:40 there must be something I can do on the show.
16:42 Please, for Mom's sake.
16:45 Well, maybe we can find something.
17:03 I don't like it. He's got Johnny Carson, Bette Midler, and you, have not.
17:08 What do we got?
17:09 Ray J.
17:10 Johnson.
17:11 Ay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay.
17:15 Now, boys, the network has a problem with some of your lyrics.
17:19 Would you mind changing them for the show?
17:21 Forget you, clown.
17:22 Hey, our lyrics are like our children, man.
17:24 No way.
17:25 Well, okay.
17:26 But hear what you say. What I got, you gotta get, and put it in you.
17:30 How about just, what I'd like is I'd like to hug and kiss you.
17:33 Wow, that's much better.
17:36 Everyone can enjoy that.
17:38 Live from Springfield, the entertainment capital of this state,
17:42 the Krusty Comeback Special.
17:47 Send in the clowns.
17:54 Those daffy,
17:55 laffy clowns.
17:58 Send in those soulful and doleful Schmolz
18:04 by the bowful
18:08 Clowns Send in the
18:14 clowns
18:18 They're already here
18:33 I love you, Krusty.
18:35 Quiet.
18:41 Are you comfortable in there, Luke Perry?
18:44 Fire away, Krusty.
18:53 My face! My valuable face!
19:08 Ha ha ha, aye!
19:12 Give it away, give it away, give it away now!
19:17 What, give, turn the bubble, kiss the door, bum, bum!
19:20 Dancing around in their underwear.
19:21 That is so degrading.
19:23 Thirty seconds till your lil stinker sketch.
19:26 Give me a bigger lolly!
19:27 Now, Johnny, what you got for us? Some jokes?
19:31 A little magic?
19:32 Actually, I thought I'd lift this 1987 Buick Skylark over my head
19:38 Hi-yo!
19:39 Johnny, that's amazing!
19:41 Oh, yeah? Get a load of this
20:00 I've got to fire that agent.
20:05 Did you ever know that you're my hero?
20:13 You're everything I would like to be.
20:20 You can fly higher than an eagle.
20:28 Cause I am the wind beneath my wings
20:43 This was a great show, Krusty. You deserve an Emmy for this.
20:47 Forget it. The Academy hates me. I don't know why.
20:51 Bunch of old know-nothing dinosaurs wouldn't know entertainment if it bit him in the...
20:55 Hey, hey!
20:57 Ha-ha!
21:06 Now, Krusty, I just hope you remembered to save your money this time.
21:09 Here's that ruby-studded clown nose you ordered, Krusty.
21:16 What's up, Mo? Hey, Mo!
21:18 Hey, you can't come in here dressed like that.
21:21 Get with the times, Mo.
21:22 Yeah, I say if it feels good, do it.
21:26 All right.
21:29 Don't snap my undies.
21:32 I'm a star again.
21:34 I don't know how to thank you, kids.
21:36 That's all right, Krusty. We're getting 50% of the T-shirt sales.
21:40 What?
21:41 That's the sweetest plum, you little...
21:45 Ah, what the hell.
21:46 You deserve it.
21:48 Thanks, kids.
21:49 To Krusty, the greatest entertainer in the world.
21:54 Except maybe that guy.
21:58 Is this the bus to the Civic Center?
22:29 We'll be right back.
22:57 Thank you.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Nelson Muntz, Kent Brockman, Jasper Beardsley, Reverend Lovejoy, Santa's Little Helper, Lou, Eddie, Snowball II, Mayor Quimby, Sideshow Mel, Becky Shorter, Snake, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Troy McClure, Old Jewish Man, Bumblebee Man, Rainier Wolfcastle, Princess Kashmir, Freddy, Mayor Quimby's Bodyguards, Mr. Teeny, Jebediah Springfield, Scott Christian, Lurleen Lumpkin, Lowblow, Corporal Punishment, Capital City Goofball, Johnny Carson, Lois Pennycandy, Barry White, Elizabeth Taylor, Tina Ballerina, Luke Perry, Arthur Crandall, Bette Midler, Clown Doctor, Gabbo, Worker, Alphonse, Cameraman, Elizabeth Taylor's agent, Hugh Hefner, Jacqueline, Krudler, Melrose Place actress, Mr. Johanson, Parasite, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Springfield Squares Veteran, Wally Cox

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character