Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy

The Simpsons, season 6, episode 10. First aired December 4, 1994. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Homer Badman Fear of Flying → The whole episode as text

From “Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy”: “The Arabian night's room looks nice.” — The Arabian night's room looks nice.

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About the episode

With their love life fizzling, Homer and Marge get help from a homemade tonic of Grampa's, and Homer and Abe start selling it to couples in town after town. As Springfield's parents disappear indoors, Bart and his friends suspect aliens are behind it. A sales trip past Homer's childhood farmhouse reopens old grievances between father and son, and their partnership collapses into a bitter feud.

Written by: Bill Oakley and Josh Weinstein
Directed by: Wes Archer
Guest stars: Phil Hartman as Troy McClure
Chalkboard gag: My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
Couch gag: Repeating Room
Production code: 2F07

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

312 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 The Simpsons
0:31 We now return to the 1971 film Good Time Slim, Uncle Doobie,
0:35 and the Great Frisco Freakout starring Troy McClure.
0:42 Slim, if we've got the bag with the stone and diamonds,
0:45 then what happened to the bag with our stash?
0:47 There's more than one way to get high, baby.
0:50 Yeah!
0:56 Ooh.
1:00 Please, Marge, how often can I see a movie of this caliber on late night TV?
1:03 Is there something wrong, homie? No,
1:05 it's just that I've only seen this movie twice before,
1:07 and I've seen you every night for the last 11 years.
1:10 What I meant to say is, we'll snuggle tomorrow, sweetie, I promise.
1:23 Rancheladas.
1:31 Mom!
1:32 Dad! Don't turn in the light!
1:34 There's a UFO outside my window.
1:37 Seriously!
1:38 Oh, Lord, it's just an old golf umbrella stuck in a tree.
1:43 Can I sleep in there with you guys tonight?
1:46 No.
1:47 Can I sit on the roof with a baseball bat in case a UFO does come?
1:49 Yes, yes, yes, that's fine. Good, good.
1:54 I hope you kept the homie fires burning
1:59 Homer, wake up,
2:01 wake up We need to talk about the marital difficulties we've been having lately
2:07 March, there's just too much pressure What with my job, the kids,
2:11 traffic snarls, political strife at home and abroad But I promise you,
2:15 the second all those things go away,
2:17 we'll have sex I simply can't wait that long Maybe we should get some help.
2:23 How about a book? Ooh, okay.
2:25 A tasteful book.
2:27 Oh, all right.
2:43 Hey, Marge, this guy looks like a poo. Shh,
2:46 I don't want people to see us looking at these books.
2:50 Hi, guys. What you looking at? Uh, I'm just reading up on artillery.
2:55 Yes, and I'm pursuing my interest in...
2:59 This one's a good choice, and it's not too smutty.
3:01 It's a book on tape by Paul Harvey.
3:03 You know that nice Midwestern man on the radio who's like a pleasant version of Grandpa?
3:07 Ooh, Mr. and Mrs.
3:09 Erotic American.
3:11 Mom! Dad!
3:12 Look, this biography of Peter Eubaroth is only 99 cents, and I found the new Al Gore book.
3:17 Same planning, sensible tomorrow Yeah,
3:20 I hope it's as exciting as his other book Rational Thinking,
3:23 Reasonable Future I'm getting this book on UFOs Did you know they're real?
3:28 But there's a huge comic conspiracy to cover it up Oh, that's just a paranoid fantasy
3:53 Mr. Vice President, someone finally bought a copy of your book, sir.
3:56 Well, this calls for a celebration.
4:02 Celebrate good times, come on. I will.
4:07 Hello, Americans. Paul Harvey here.
4:10 Did you know every good American is at heart an erotic American?
4:15 It's true. A famous couple,
4:18 I don't need to tell you it was Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower, offered this advice.
4:23 Double your pleasure with a bath.
4:26 Together.
4:30 I can't quite.
4:33 Boss, it's jammed into my back. I'm stuck.
4:38 So am I.
4:41 I'm stuck.
4:46 Kids?
4:50 A romantic vacation can provide titillation.
4:53 Sensual sanitary seclusion awaits you at any of America's fine, AAA-approved motor lunch.
5:04 The Arabian night's room looks nice.
5:07 The pharaoh's chamber has a vibrating sarcophagus.
5:10 Uh, sorry there, Fred Nethel. Should've made a reservation.
5:13 We only got, uh, one room left. The toilet is overflowing in the caveman room.
5:22 Oh, here we are.
5:24 The utility room.
5:29 This isn't very ironic.
5:31 I think it's an actual utility room. No, honey.
5:34 It's a romantic fantasy.
5:36 I imagine I'm the janitor and you're...
5:40 the janitor's wife who has to live with me in the utility room.
5:49 Don't mind me, folks. Just need to get the all wet dry back.
5:56 By now, your new improved love life should have you flinging woo like nobody's business.
6:01 So to you, Mr. and Mrs.
6:03 Erotic American, I bid good day.
6:14 Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail.
6:17 What's wrong with your wife?
6:19 Never mind. You wouldn't understand.
6:21 Flu?
6:21 No. Protein deficiency?
6:23 No. Numeno-ultra-microscopic silico-volcaniconeosis?
6:27 No.
6:28 Unsatisfying sex life?
6:29 Yes, but please, don't you say that word.
6:33 What?
6:35 Sex? Sex!
6:36 What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex?
6:41 I had sex!
6:48 You're home safe. Done my duty. See you the next time we need your signature.
6:52 Oh, you never want to spend any time with me, but I can help you with your loving problem.
6:57 I got a home remedy that'll put the dowsers back in your trousers.
7:06 Legend has it my great grandpappy stumbled upon this recipe when he was trying to invent a
7:11 cheap substitute for holy water.
7:18 Here you go. Hey!
7:22 Here you go, In-Grey. Think of me when you're having the best sex of your life.
7:29 Drink it!
7:41 Get $2.50.
7:42 Why not go to the movies and take a cab to your aunt's house?
7:44 Stay there, phone call you later. No, no, no.
7:48 Whoa, homie, what's... All right, I'll explain to you afterwards.
8:00 What do you think Mom and Dad are doing right now?
8:03 Uh-uh.
8:13 Here he is. Rex Harrison and Paul Anka rolled into one.
8:20 That tonic really works You and Grandpa should bottle it and go into business together You
8:25 want me to spend more time with Dad?
8:27 What about my New Year's resolution?
8:29 You can make a lot of money Yeah!
8:33 Where are my pants?
8:34 You threw them out the window in a fit of passion You said you were never going to need
8:37 them again Oh, hurry, Nettie, they're awful You just be ready with that garbage bag
8:45 Oh, mama!
8:47 This is finally really happening.
8:49 After years of disappointments with get-rich-quick schemes,
8:52 I know I'm gonna get rich with this scheme.
8:55 And quick!
8:59 Sir! Uh, hello, sir!
9:01 Yes, you look like a man who needs help satisfying his wife, so...
9:05 I guess people have some sort of moral objection to our sex drug.
9:11 Let me sell it, you idiot.
9:14 Step right up, folks,
9:16 and witness the magnificent medicinal miracle of Simpson and Sons' patented revitalizing
9:20 tonic.
9:22 Put some honor in your larder with our energizing, moisturizing,
9:26 tantalizing, romanticizing, surprising, her-prising, revitalizing tonic.
9:37 I doubt very highly that one elixir could boast so many fantastic properties.
9:44 Let's say we amscray out of here and have a wild wingding at the cyclotron, Doctor.
9:49 Anything you say, Professor.
9:55 Tonight, we'll push the twin beds together.
9:58 And I found something for Milhouse down at the mall, too.
10:00 A pup tent.
10:02 Oh, boy! Now I can sleep out in the yard!
10:05 Yeah!
10:05 Every single night!
10:09 I've discovered that the rejuvenating effect people feel is actually a mild form of
10:13 poisoning.
10:14 No doubt a result of the unsanitary conditions in Grandpa Simpson's bathtub.
10:20 Nonetheless...
10:29 What's going on? Where are the grown-ups?
10:32 Who cares?
10:33 With no adults around, I run this city.
10:39 Carry on.
10:41 Listen to this.
10:42 Unexplainable behavior.
10:44 Individuals acting in a secretive fashion are often involved with UFOs or other
10:50 paranormal phenomena, e.g., telephone explosions.
10:54 Jeez, if it's in a book, it's got to be true.
10:57 Scary, no?
10:58 and this guy's head of the spaceology department at the Correspondents College of Tampa.
11:04 Will you cook my dinner for me?
11:06 My parents aren't around, and I'm not allowed to turn on the stove.
11:11 Hurry up! We got a lot of tonic to sell and a lot of towns to visit.
11:16 Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flazid.
11:20 Great.
11:20 I'm gonna be stuck in a car all weekend with that wheezy windbag.
11:24 And that's what's wrong with Bart's generation.
11:27 Now, as for your generation...
11:30 And for the minimal outlay of $1,
11:33 you can take home a bottle of liquid Lothario, distilled on one,
11:37 catalytically carbonated Casanova,
11:40 lock old Rover in the shed because man has a new best friend in Simpson and Sons
11:45 revitalizing tonic. I'm not convinced.
11:48 I've had bad luck with aphrodisiacs. All questions will be answered.
11:52 All fears will be allayed with one incontrovertible demonstration.
11:56 May I have a volunteer from the audience?
12:00 Yes, you, sir.
12:02 Now, sir, you've never seen me before. Is that correct?
12:05 That is correct.
12:06 Well, how come his face is on a bottle?
12:18 You're the worst jail I've ever seen. You're a disgrace to the medicine show business.
12:22 They didn't start chasing us until you turned on that getaway music.
12:34 All right, all right.
12:43 Okay, it's now painfully clear.
12:46 The adults are definitely paving the way for an invasion by the saucer people.
12:51 You fool!
12:52 Can't you see it's a massive government conspiracy?
12:54 Or have they gotten you too?
12:59 Hey, hey, hey! Stop it! Stop it! Why are you guys jumping to such ridiculous conclusions?
13:04 Haven't you ever heard of Occam's Razor?
13:06 The simplest explanation is probably the correct one.
13:09 So what's the simplest explanation?
13:11 I don't know. Maybe they're all reverse vampires and they have to get home before dark.
13:18 Reverse vampires! Vampire!
13:20 Vampire!
13:22 Vampire! Hey, wait a minute.
13:25 That's Amos Pearson's moose farm.
13:28 Make it right here.
13:33 Ew.
13:34 Why are we stopping at this dump?
13:36 That's the house you grew up in, son.
13:40 Wow.
13:42 Let's go find that hot dog tree I planted.
13:45 Yeah, we lived here till the bank foreclosed in 63.
13:49 Farm went bust after the cows started giving sour milk.
13:53 Something must have spooked them good.
13:57 Yes, you'll be good.
14:03 Oh,
14:10 memories.
14:11 If this old place could talk, it'd say...
14:25 There she is, the old radiation king.
14:28 You'd park yourself right there and watch for hours on end.
14:36 If I may, Helen, I'd like to respond to that question with yet another flip remark.
14:44 Wow.
14:47 Look at me, Mom.
14:49 I am President Kennedy.
14:52 Oh, Abe, maybe our homework could grow up to be president someday.
14:57 You, President, this is the greatest country in the world.
15:00 We've got a whole system set up to keep people like you from ever becoming president.
15:05 Quit your daydreaming melonhead.
15:08 Quit your daydreaming melonhead. Dad, how come you never gave me any encouragement?
15:14 Maybe I could have been something more than I am.
15:17 Like a travel agent. To a great scientist.
15:20 Or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm.
15:24 Who are you to complain?
15:25 You lock me up in a home and give me the same damn shower safety seat every Christmas.
15:31 Your whole life you never said one nice thing to me.
15:34 That's because you're a screw-up. You're the screw-up!
15:37 Ah, you little...
15:40 All right, that's it. We're going home.
15:44 I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic.
15:47 If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago,
15:50 you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy.
15:52 You were an accident.
15:56 Get out.
15:57 I'm sorry I said that.
15:59 Out.
16:00 I'm going to get out of the car,
16:02 and I hope you'll find it in your heart not to drive away.
16:08 Well, I'll be alright as long as I can remember my army training.
16:15 Dang.
16:22 I'm sorry.
16:29 Hi.
16:32 Homie, are you really going to ignore Grandpa for the rest of your life?
16:35 Of course not, Marge. Just for the rest of his life.
16:39 He said I was an accident.
16:40 He didn't want to have me. You didn't want to have Bart.
16:43 I know, but you're never supposed to tell the child.
16:45 You tell Bart all the time. You told him this morning.
16:47 But when I do it, it's cute.
16:49 So finally, we're all in agreement about what's going on with the adults.
16:54 New house.
16:56 Okay, here's what we've got.
16:57 The Rand Corporation, in conjunction with the saucer people.
17:02 Thank you. under the supervision of the reverse vampires
17:07 are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of
17:13 dinner.
17:14 We're through the looking glass here, people.
17:17 Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in a very sticky, nutty, chewy, chocolatey...
17:23 Put it away, boy!
17:26 And your daddy has realized something very important.
17:29 A father should always make his kids feel wanted.
17:32 Starting right now,
17:33 I promise to spend a lot more time with you and give you the attention you deserve.
17:42 And just feast your ears on this tantalizing testimonial from my own flesh and blood,
17:47 the son who puts the fun in Simpson and Son, my son, Bernie.
17:53 I used to be a fat, disgusting slob.
17:57 That medicine seems to be giving your son a lot of gas.
18:00 I assure you his belching is the result of an unrelated alcohol problem.
18:07 No.
18:12 It just ain't the same without Homer.
18:15 He knew how to drive a car.
18:20 Son.
18:22 My dear son.
18:23 From now on, I'm going to be a good and attentive father.
18:26 And for starters, your old man is going to teach you how to ride.
18:30 Your very first bike.
18:38 Dad, number one, I know how to ride a bike.
18:41 Number two, I already own a bike. And number three, that is a girl's bike.
18:46 You're no girl. You're a boy. A good boy.
18:50 You can be president.
18:52 Scratch that. You will be president. Dad!
18:55 I think Lisa needs another push on her new tire swing.
18:59 No, Dad, I want to get down.
19:02 This tire is filthy and the steel belts are poking me.
19:06 Whee! No!
19:07 Whee!
19:08 Uh, no offense, Homer,
19:10 but your half-assed under-parenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed over
19:14 -parenting. But I'm using my whole ass. Dad,
19:17 it's just that too much of your love can really be...scary.
19:24 Ugh. Someday you'll thank me for all this scary love.
19:28 But now I've got to go somewhere and do some serious thinking
19:34 I'm sure he meant to say serious drinking That's what I assumed
19:41 Here's where it all started to go wrong How am I supposed to be a good dad when I never
19:46 had one myself?
19:50 Dad wasn't even around on Christmas morning when I actually got to meet Santa Claus
19:56 Some father Wait a minute.
20:00 Dad!
20:01 Oh, this photo is a blessing.
20:05 It eases my pain.
20:15 This tonic's caused me nothing but trouble.
20:19 You've done all the damage you're gonna do.
20:22 Oh, man!
20:31 Dad, Dad, Dad!
20:33 I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house.
20:37 No, I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house.
20:41 You know what? What?
20:43 We're both screw-ups. It doesn't matter.
20:46 What matters is you were right when you told me I never said anything nice
20:52 about you. So, are you gonna say something nice now?
20:57 Well, I hadn't thought that far ahead.
21:01 Okay, here it goes.
21:03 I'm not sorry I had you, son.
21:08 I was always proud that you weren't a short man.
21:14 Aw, Dad.
21:20 What do you say we roll out of grass, son?
21:22 I'm with you, Dad.
21:53 Thank you.
22:22 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Krusty the Clown, Dr. Hibbert, Nelson Muntz, Ralph Wiggum, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Richard, Maude Flanders, Mayor Quimby, Kirk Van Houten, Janey Powell, Luann Van Houten, Professor Frink, Bernice Hibbert, Comic Book Guy, Herman Hermann, Troy McClure, Raphael, Just Stamp the Ticket Man, Space Mutants, Mona Simpson, Santa Claus, John F. Kennedy, Kim, Al Gore, Air Force colonel, Head of the Spaceology Department, Mrs. Frink, Paul Harvey, Suspicious Customer 1, Suspicious Customer 2, Suspicious Customer 3

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character