Homer Badman

The Simpsons, season 6, episode 9. First aired November 27, 1994. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

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About the episode

Driving babysitter Ashley Grant home after a candy convention, Homer grabs a stolen Gummi Venus de Milo stuck to her rear, and she takes it as sexual harassment. A misleadingly edited interview on the tabloid show Rock Bottom, hosted by Godfrey Jones, makes Homer a national villain hounded by reporters, until Groundskeeper Willie produces secret video footage of the incident that clears him.

Written by: Greg Daniels
Directed by: Jeffrey Lynch
Guest stars: Dennis Franz
Chalkboard gag: I will not whittle hall passes out of soap.
Couch gag: Moving Wall
Production code: 2F06

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

334 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 The Simpsons
0:35 Oh, damn FDA.
0:36 Why can't it all be marshmallow?
0:38 Ew, Bart, don't put the non-marshmallow pieces back in the box.
0:41 They go in the trash.
0:43 Oh, you like sweets, kids?
0:45 I know a place that's sweeter than sweetness itself.
0:48 In this sweet place, earthly donuts are sour as poison.
0:52 You'd spit them out, you would.
0:55 I'm talking about the candy industry trade show.
1:00 How did you get tickets?
1:01 They hid them in every millionth crusty clump bar and crusty clump bar with almonds.
1:10 Hey!
1:12 I have asked you nicely not to mangle my merchandise.
1:15 You leave me no choice but to ask you nicely again.
1:19 Can I come to the candy show? No, me! Take me!
1:22 Sorry, kids, but this is the one event I want my darling wife by my side.
1:27 Oh, well, thank you, Homer.
1:29 But take one of the kids.
1:30 Marge, they can't carry enough candy.
1:33 They have puny little muscles, not big, ropey ones like you.
1:37 You go, Mom.
1:39 For the greater good.
1:43 Homer, are all these pockets necessary?
1:46 They wouldn't be if you were willing to sit in a hollowed-out wheelchair.
1:49 Well, that's a babysitter.
1:51 No one in town will sit for you two anymore.
1:53 I have to choose between a grad student at the university and a scary-looking hobo.
1:57 Please the hobo, please the hobo, please the hobo
2:00 Hi, I'm Ashley Grant Oh
2:04 Ashley Grant,
2:05 you gave a talk on women's issues at my school And how we don't have to be second class
2:08 citizens Mom, how can you leave us with this maniac?
2:12 Hurry, Marge,
2:13 if we get there early We can get our pictures taken with the two surviving musketeers
2:16 There's also a baby somewhere upstairs
2:20 So, they're one of those don't call me a chick chicks, huh?
2:25 Eh, sorry about my unenlightened brother.
2:28 He will make the next few hours a living hell.
2:30 Oh, I don't know.
2:32 See this part?
2:35 Disembellar 4, the game where condemned criminals dig at each other with rusty hooks.
2:40 Mm-hmm.
2:41 Do a little housework and you can play for five minutes.
2:44 No way.
2:48 Yes, I'm... See, Lisa? Males aren't hard to tame.
2:51 They all follow their video cartridges.
2:54 Ow.
3:03 Mr. Goodbar to the front desk.
3:05 The front desk is looking for Mr. Goodbar.
3:08 I feel like a kid in some kind of a store.
3:13 Yeah!
3:15 Brian!
3:18 Express it!
3:19 Oh, you'll do well.
3:21 Give me those! Well, as you can see, I have created a lemon ball so sour,
3:26 it can only be safely contained in a magnetic field.
3:29 The candy, known as 77X42, isn't great.
3:33 Where the hell is the candy?
3:35 How you doing, yo?
3:37 Hey, sir, try our wax lips. It's the candy of a thousand uses.
3:42 Like what? One, a humorous substitute for your own lips.
3:46 Keep going.
3:47 Two, uh...
3:49 Ooh, I'm needed in the basement.
4:05 You'll have to put some sugar on that celery or get out, ma'am.
4:13 Ooh, gummy bears! Gummy calves' heads! Gummy jawbreakers!
4:24 What's that?
4:25 That is the rarest gummy of them all.
4:28 The gummy Viennesty Milo, carved by gummy artesans,
4:31 who work exclusively in the medium of gummy.
4:35 Will you two stop saying gummy so much?
4:39 Must have rare gummy. Distract the salesman.
4:42 No, I won't make a spectacle out of myself any further.
4:50 How'd they get there?
4:56 Now, this is going to take all my skill.
5:02 Hunt!
5:02 Hunt! Run, Marge!
5:04 Save the booty! And for him!
5:06 He has the gun!
5:21 Do you want help, Candy Boys?
5:37 Hey, Lisa, I found a big caramel deposit at the small of her back.
5:40 I'm coming.
5:47 Wait a minute, wait a minute. Where's my gummy to Marlo?
5:50 Okay, don't panic. She can't have gotten far.
5:53 She had no arms. I'm sure it'll turn up.
5:55 Take the babysitter home now. She's been sitting in the car for 20 minutes.
5:59 Relax, Marge. There's plenty for her to do in there.
6:03 See?
6:04 She's having the time of her life.
6:07 Oh, a graduate student, huh? Huh?
6:09 How come you guys can go to the moon but you can't make my shoes smell good?
6:12 I'm sorry.
6:13 Ah, nobody's blaming you.
6:15 Hey, could you take the wheel for a second?
6:16 I have to scratch myself in two places at once.
6:18 Just drop me off here.
6:26 Precious Venus.
6:32 Thank you!
6:44 Hey, kids!
6:45 Got some candy left for breakfast.
6:49 Why don't we give it to some needy children, then?
6:58 Oh, no, the candy conventioneers tracked us down.
7:03 There he is! There's the man that sexually harassed me!
7:06 Oh!
7:07 For a minute there, I thought I was in big trouble.
7:09 It's just a... Don't!
7:12 Two, four, six, eight. Homer's crime was very great.
7:17 Great meaning larger events. We use it in the pejorative sense.
7:21 Marge, I swear I didn't touch her. You know how bashful I am.
7:24 I can't even say the word titmouse without giggling like a schoolgirl.
7:30 At any rate, I believe you, and I think you should go outside and straighten this out.
7:35 Some of their chants are very catchy and memorable.
7:39 You grabbed me in the car! Oh, Dad!
7:42 No!
7:43 I was just grabbing a gummy Venus to Milo that got stuck to your pants!
7:46 Yeah, right!
7:47 That's the oldest excuse in the book!
7:50 Come on! I'm a decent guy!
7:59 Why would anybody want to touch a girl's butt?
8:02 That's where cooties come from! Dad, I don't understand.
8:05 What is she saying you did? Well, Lisa,
8:07 remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's
8:11 bottom? Oh, yeah.
8:13 That was brilliant.
8:15 That's right. We all thought it was hilarious.
8:17 But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.
8:22 And the dog in the Coppertone ad, same deal, Dad?
8:24 Well, that's kind of a gray area. We know you're innocent, Dad.
8:28 Thanks, kids.
8:29 They seem to be building some sort of a shantytown.
8:39 Do your worst, protesters. You can't stop me from living my life.
8:44 No respect for women. No peace. Just try to put the right buttons now.
8:48 We ain't crazy about nuclear power either.
8:50 You people aren't allowed in here.
8:52 It's okay. There was me.
9:03 They're ruining my whole life. Marge, please,
9:06 this is where I need you the most I'm counting on you to do something or say something to
9:09 make it all better Okay?
9:12 Go!
9:13 Homer?
9:14 Huh?
9:14 I already talked to the indignation coordinator out on the lawn today I told her you were
9:19 a decent man, but she wouldn't listen Besides standing by you and supporting you,
9:22 there isn't anything more I can do You mean, I'm on my own?
9:26 I've never been on my own Oh no, un-owned, un-owned I need help,
9:31 oh God, help me Help me, God!
9:39 Hello?
9:41 Hello, Homer.
9:42 This is God.
9:44 Brady Jones from the TV magazine show Rock Bottom.
9:47 We're aware of your problems, and, Mr. Simpson, we want to help.
9:52 I saw that report you did on Sasquatch. It was fair and even-handed.
9:57 I'll do it!
9:58 Somebody had to take the babysitter home.
10:00 Then I noticed she was sitting on the gummy Venus, so I grabbed it off her.
10:05 Oh, just thinking about that sweet, sweet candy.
10:09 Oh, I just wish I had another one right now.
10:15 But the most important thing is... That was really great, Mr.
10:18 Simpson. We got everything we need. Okay.
10:20 Say, can you introduce me to the Sasquatch?
10:23 I like his style.
10:29 Here comes the bouncing ball of justice.
10:32 Tonight on Rock Bottom, we go undercover at a sex farm for sex hookers.
10:37 I keep telling you, I just grow sorghum here.
10:41 Uh-huh. And where are the hookers? Round back.
10:44 Oops.
10:45 But first,
10:46 she was a university honors student who devoted her life to kids until the night a grossly
10:50 overweight pervert named Homer Simpson gave her a crash course in depravity.
10:56 Babysitter and the Beast.
10:58 Aw, crap.
10:59 Somebody had to take the babysitter home.
11:02 Then I noticed she was sitting on her sweet can.
11:04 I grabbed her sweet can.
11:06 Oh, just thinking about her can. I just wish I had her sweet, sweet, sweet can.
11:12 So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can.
11:15 What do you have to say in your defense?
11:19 Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further.
11:23 No, Mr. Simpson, don't take your anger out on me.
11:25 Get back, get back.
11:26 Mr. Simpson, no!
11:28 Dramatization may not have happened.
11:32 March, kids, everything's gonna be just fine.
11:36 Now go upstairs and pack your bags.
11:38 We're gonna start a new life under the sea.
11:55 Under the sea, under the sea,
11:59 there'll be no accusations,
12:02 just friendly crustaceans under the sea.
12:18 Homer, that's your solution to everything, to move under the sea.
12:21 It's not going to happen.
12:22 Not with that attitude.
12:25 Look, maybe this whole thing will blow over.
12:32 It didn't blow over, Marge.
12:34 Nothing ever blows over for me.
12:51 Simpson scandal update Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent Which he believes gives him
12:56 sexual powers Hey,
12:58 that's a half-truth I don't know Homer Simpson I never met
13:04 Homer Simpson Or had any contact with him But...
13:09 I'm sorry. I can't go on.
13:12 That's okay.
13:13 Your tears say more than real evidence ever could.
13:16 Today on Band, mothers and runaway daughters,
13:20 reunited by their hatred of Homer Simpson.
13:23 And here's your host, Gentle Band.
13:32 I just have one thing to say.
13:34 Let's have less Homer Simpsons and more money for public schools.
13:40 Ben, I have a question.
13:44 No, Ben, no.
13:56 And now we return to Fox Night at the Movies,
13:59 Homarest Portrait of an Ass Grabber, starring Dennis Fromms.
14:03 Ooh, portrait.
14:05 Sounds classy.
14:07 Doesn't it?
14:20 No, Mr. Simpson. A cat is a living creature.
14:23 I don't care.
14:28 Now I'm gonna grab me something sweet.
14:31 No, Mr. Simpson.
14:33 That's sexual harassment. If you keep it up,
14:35 I'll yell so loud the whole country will hear.
14:38 With the man in the White House?
14:41 Not likely.
14:47 This is hour 57 of our live round-the-clock coverage outside the Simpson estate.
14:52 Remember, by the way,
14:53 to tune in tonight at 8 o'clock for highlights of today's vigil,
14:56 including when the garbage man came and when Marge Simpson put the cat out.
15:01 Possibly because it was harassed, we don't know.
15:03 Of course,
15:04 there's no way to see into the Simpson home without some kind of infrared heat-sensitive
15:08 camera. So let's turn it on.
15:11 Now, this technology is new to me,
15:13 but I'm pretty sure that's Homer Simpson in the oven, rotating slowly.
15:18 His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees.
15:21 He's literally stewing in his own juices.
15:23 Now, here are some results from our phone-in poll.
15:26 95% of the people believe Homer Simpson is guilty.
15:29 Now, of course, this is just a television poll, which is not legally binding,
15:33 unless Proposition 304 passes, and we all pray it will.
15:37 Oh, I don't have a friend in the world.
15:40 Let's do that through.
15:43 Oh, really?
15:45 Come on, let us through, you vultures. Oh, Marge, it's a miracle.
15:50 How can you judge this man without talking to the people who know him best?
15:55 We got the real dirt on Homer Simpson, and the bidding starts at 10 Gs.
15:59 I did ten G's. Ten-four G's!
16:01 Come on, boys!
16:02 Ten-four!
16:03 Oh, I need a hug.
16:08 Uh...
16:10 How come you guys hesitated? Sorry, Dad, we do believe in you, we really do.
16:15 It's just hard not to listen to TV.
16:17 It's spent so much more time raising us than you have.
16:20 Oh, maybe TV is right.
16:23 TV's always right.
16:33 Are you hugging the TV?
16:34 No.
16:42 And the number one reference that I am running into the ground is Homer
16:48 Simpson.
16:57 It's Homer Simpson! It's Homer Simpson!
17:03 Oh, I like it better when they're making fun of people who aren't me.
17:07 I know.
17:08 Evening at the improv.
17:09 They never talk about anything beyond the 1980s.
17:12 See, I think about weird stuff. Like, what would happen if E.T.
17:15 and Mr. T had a baby?
17:17 Well, you'd get Mr. E.T., wouldn't you? And, you know,
17:20 I think he'd sound a little something like this.
17:23 Ah, pitted a fool who doesn't phone home.
17:28 Oh, I wouldn't want to be Mr. T right now.
17:31 Homer, Homer, the kids have a great idea how you can clear your name.
17:34 The media's making a monster out of you because they don't care about the truth.
17:38 All they care about is entertainment.
17:40 Well, you need a form where they don't even know the meaning of the word entertainment.
17:43 Public access television. Aw, but those shows all look so crummy.
17:48 Well, we can dress it up a bit.
17:49 We can bring a fern and a folding chair from the garage,
17:52 and the most decorative thing of all, the truth.
18:03 There are only 49 stars on that flag.
18:06 I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missouri.
18:13 Now it's time for the Innocence Report with Homer Simpson.
18:19 Hello, I am Homer Simpson. Or as some of you wags have dubbed me, Father Goose.
18:26 You know, everybody believed the worst about me right away.
18:30 Nobody cares that I didn't do it. But I did it.
18:34 Okay, look, I've done some bad things in my life.
18:37 But harassing women is not one of them.
18:40 Like one time,
18:41 they're having this race with this stupid old-timey bicycle with the big wheel in front.
18:45 So I figure we'll see about that. So I get this big chunk of cinderblatt, and I...
18:52 Oh, gotta go.
18:54 Innocent!
18:55 Dad, you did it! I am so proud of you! The switchboards are lighting up!
19:00 Yay!
19:01 Two calls! That's our best ever!
19:04 Hello?
19:05 No, Janice doesn't live here. Hello?
19:07 Yes, I am interested in long-distance savings.
19:11 Very interested.
19:16 Marge, this is so depressing.
19:18 My only hope is this homemade Prozac.
19:22 Hmm, needs more ice cream.
19:28 So, uh, you don't like the old-time bikes, huh?
19:37 Homer,
19:38 I love amateur video and your show is the most amateur video I ever saw.
19:44 My hubby is secretly videotaping couples and cows.
19:47 I didn't come forward because in this country it makes you look like a pervert.
19:53 But every single Scottish person does it!
19:58 Oh baby, oh yeah, oh baby.
20:01 Oh no, that's Mayor Quimby.
20:03 Ah, here we go.
20:07 Precious Venus
20:12 Thank you
20:16 Dad, this clears you completely You know,
20:19 the courts might not work anymore But as long as everybody is videotaping everyone else
20:24 Justice will be done
20:29 See?
20:31 Homer,
20:31 I thought you were an animal But your daughter said you were a decent man I guess she was
20:35 right You're both right
20:40 In our mad pursuit of a scoop We members of the press sometimes Make mistakes
20:45 Rock Bottom would like to make the following corrections
20:51 Wow,
20:52 VHS isn't one of its gasoline And Ted Koppel is a robot There's you,
20:58 Dad Yay!
21:00 Tomorrow,
21:01 on Rock Bottom He's a foreigner who takes perverted videos of you when you least suspect
21:06 it.
21:07 He's Rowdy Roddy Peeper.
21:10 Oh, that man is sick. Groundskeeper Willie saved you, Homer.
21:15 But listen to the music. He's evil.
21:17 Hasn't this experience taught you you can't believe everything you hear?
21:20 Marge, my friend, I haven't learned a thing.
21:32 Let's never fight again.
22:26 Shh.
22:31 We'll be right back.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Grampa Simpson, Barney Gumble, Lenny Leonard, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Dr. Hibbert, Waylon Smithers, Kent Brockman, Groundskeeper Willie, Eddie, Mayor Quimby, Professor Frink, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Bumblebee Man, Mr. Hippie, Dennis Franz, Ashley Grant, Ben Guest, Candy Guard 1, Candy Guard 2, Candy Guard 3, Gentle Ben, Godfrey Jones, Gummi Salesman, Improv Comedian, Old-Time Biker, Reporter, Sorghum Farmer, Springfield Angry Mob, Talk Show Guest, Talk Show Host, Wax Lips Salesman

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character