Homer the Great

The Simpsons, season 6, episode 12. First aired January 8, 1995. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Fear of Flying And Maggie Makes Three → The whole episode as text

From “Homer the Great”: “Forget it, Homer.” — Forget it, Homer.

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About the episode

Curious about the perks Lenny and Carl enjoy at the plant, Homer discovers the Stonecutters, a secret society he joins through Grampa's membership. Expelled for ruining the sacred parchment, he is saved when a birthmark reveals him as the prophesied Chosen One. As leader, Homer steers the group toward community service at Lisa's urging, and the members walk out to form the Ancient Mystic Society of No Homers.

Written by: John Swartzwelder
Directed by: Jim Reardon
Guest stars: Patrick Stewart as Number One
Chalkboard gag: Adding 'just kidding' doesn't make it okay to insult the principal
Couch gag: M.C. Escher
Production code: 2F09

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

330 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:00 The Simpsons
1:00 What should we do until you get back?
1:02 Put a pan down there.
1:08 Oh, it didn't work.
1:13 Lousy traffic jams.
1:16 The traffic report will get me out of this one.
1:20 This is Ernie Pie.
1:21 Looks like we got a little accident that's backing traffic up as far as this reporter can
1:26 see.
1:35 Hi, Dad.
1:38 Hey,
1:45 how come you guys got such great parking places?
1:48 It's a secret.
1:50 Shut up.
1:59 All righty, Konosay, you just made the list.
2:08 Hey, you guys helped me fix my...
2:11 Hey, how come you guys got better chairs than me?
2:16 It's a secret.
2:17 Shut up.
2:25 Hey, you guys want to go bowling tonight?
2:27 Nah, we're busy. Yeah, we got things to do.
2:30 Like what?
2:32 It's a secret.
2:35 Shut up.
2:38 So anyway,
2:39 Lenny and Carl are never around on Wednesdays and they don't tell me where to go.
2:42 It's like a conspiracy.
2:43 A conspiracy, eh?
2:45 You think they might be involved in the Kennedy assassination in some way?
2:48 I do.
2:49 No. Oh.
2:50 Anyway, I'm going to follow them tonight and see where they go.
2:53 Oh, Homer, don't start stalking people again.
2:56 It's so illegal.
2:58 Remember when you were stalking Charles Corral because you thought he dug up your garden?
3:01 Well, something did. I don't want you stalking anyone tonight.
3:05 Oh, okay. Have it your own way, Marge.
3:08 I'll be back in a minute.
3:10 I'm going outside to stalk
3:15 Lenny and Corral.
3:18 Don't!
3:35 All I have to do is follow the yellow drip road.
3:45 There's a secret meeting place. Yes, let's go inside.
3:48 Sounds good.
4:04 I can see everything in her nondelweiser.
4:18 An intruder! It will pay the ultimate price.
4:21 Yes, the ultimate price.
4:24 Get out of here!
4:29 I saw weird stuff in that place last night.
4:32 Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff.
4:36 And I want in.
4:37 We don't know what you're talking about, Hummer.
4:40 And you can't join the Stonecutters because it's too exclusive.
4:42 Oh, well, that was a real nice secret organization we had once.
4:47 Stonecutters, eh? How do I join? There are only two ways to gain membership.
4:51 Be the son of a stonecutter... Next. ...or save the life of a stonecutter.
4:55 Hey!
4:57 I saved your life. That egg sandwich could have killed you by cholesterol.
5:02 Forget it, Homer.
5:03 While it has been established that eggs contain cholesterol,
5:05 it has not yet been proven conclusively that they actually raised the level of serum
5:09 cholesterol in the human bloodstream.
5:11 So one of those egg console creeps got to you too, huh?
5:13 You got it all wrong, Homer.
5:15 It's not like that.
5:19 You'd better run egg!
5:20 Why don't people like me, Marge?
5:23 Everyone likes you. You're a wonderful person.
5:26 Why don't those stupid idiots let me in a crappy club for jerks?
5:29 I'm sure it's nothing personal, Homer. It is.
5:32 It's been happening to me all my life.
5:37 Hey, Billy! Hey, Joey! Come on in! There's plenty of room.
5:41 Sorry, not you, Homer. Why not?
5:46 But you let in Homer glumplet.
5:48 It says no homers.
5:52 We're allowed to have one.
5:55 I felt so left out. Kids can be so cruel.
6:00 We can?
6:00 Thanks, Mom.
6:02 Ow!
6:03 Cut out, Bart!
6:05 I'd give anything to get into the stone cutters.
6:08 What do they do there, Dad? I'm a member.
6:10 What do they do? What don't they do?
6:13 Oh, they do so many things, they never stop.
6:16 Oh, the things they do there. My stars.
6:19 You don't know what they do there, do you?
6:20 Not as such, no. I'm a stonecutter. Dad,
6:23 remember those self-hypnosis classes we took to help us ignore Grandpa?
6:26 Do I ever. It's five years later, and I still think I'm a chicken.
6:29 I'm a chicken, Marge. I know, I know.
6:32 Maybe we should be listening to him now.
6:34 I'm a member.
6:35 Huh?
6:36 What?
6:38 You're a member of the stonecutters, Grandpa?
6:40 Oh, sure, let's see.
6:43 I'm an elk, a mason,
6:45 a communist I'm the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason Ah,
6:51 here it is, the Stonecutters This is it,
6:54 my ticket in They have to let me join if I'm a son of a member
6:58 I'll take this communist one too
7:01 Coming through, can't throw me out, my father's a member I'm in, I'm in Okay, okay,
7:06 homie, you're in Just don't point that thing at me Aw, thanks,
7:10 Lenny When am I going to be initiated?
7:12 As soon as number one gets here. Number one?
7:16 What kind of stupid wiener name is that?
7:19 Hello, my name is number one.
7:25 And so forth. We call each other by number, not by name.
7:28 Carla's number 14, I'm number 12. Burnsy's number 29.
7:31 You outrank Mr. Burns here? Sure, watch.
7:34 Hey, 29, get out of here.
7:39 Thank you, sir.
7:41 May I have another?
7:45 Patience, Monty.
7:46 Climb the ladder.
7:49 Is he the leader? Of this chapter. There are chapters all over the world.
7:54 And it has been foretold that someday a chosen one will...
7:58 Okay, okay. Didn't ask for your life story.
8:03 Let the initiation begin.
8:06 All stonecutters must take the leap of faith.
8:09 If you survive this five-story plunge, your character will be proven.
8:15 Happy landings!
8:29 I think I have to do it again.
8:31 My blindfold came off.
8:34 This ritual is called crossing the desert.
8:39 And this we call the unblinking eye.
8:46 Hey, have you ever noticed that the crossing the desert is a lot like the unblinking eye?
8:50 It's exactly like the wreck of the Hespers.
8:53 And now the final ordeal, the paddling of the swollen ass with paddles.
9:03 And by the sacred parchment, I swear that if I reveal the secrets of the stonecutters,
9:08 May my stomach become bloated And my head be plucked of all but three hairs Um,
9:14 I think you should have to take a different oath Everyone takes the same oath Welcome to
9:19 the club,
9:19 number 908 You have joined the sacred order of the stonecutters Who since ancient times
9:25 have split the rocks of ignorance That obscure the light of knowledge and truth Now let's
9:30 all get drunk and play ping pong
9:33 Cause he's already kinda heavy, you know
9:39 Well, to be honest, I never got around to ordering that part for you.
9:43 So, uh, it's still gonna be a couple of weeks.
9:46 Oh, really?
9:47 Yes.
9:49 Really?
9:50 Yes, yes.
9:51 But what if I were to shake your hand in this wise?
9:55 Wah! Wah!
9:58 Well, I didn't realize you were a member.
10:10 So long, suckers.
10:24 Same old space, huh, Dad? Yep,
10:26 but they gave me these rollerblades so I can glide to the front door.
10:30 Oh, oh, whoa, whoa.
10:36 Sweet.
10:40 Jealous?
10:41 Well, no, we've got the same chair.
10:43 You're jealous.
10:45 Your membership pack.
10:47 What's this? You put that sticker on your car so you won't get any tickets.
10:51 And this other one keeps paramedics from stealing your wallet while they're working on
10:54 you. Oh, and don't bother calling 911 anymore.
10:56 Here's the real number.
10:58 Ooh.
11:01 I still don't believe all the founding fathers were stone cutters.
11:05 That's because you trust your stupid school books.
11:08 Here's what really happened at the signing of the Declaration of Independence.
11:15 And a nation is born.
11:18 Now let us party like to a 1799.
11:31 Thanks, sir. You're destroying my establishment.
11:34 We just created the greatest democracy on Earth, you lowlife commoner.
11:39 You want to see how Davy Crockett really died at the Alamo?
11:42 You must be 18.
11:44 Homer,
11:45 a man who called himself you-know-who just invited you to a secret wink-wink at the you
11:50 -know-what. You certainly are popular now that you're a stonecutter.
11:53 Oh, yeah. Yeah, beer bust, beer blast, keggers, steinhoist,
11:59 AA meetings, beer night. It's wonderful, Marge.
12:02 I've never felt so accepted in all my life.
12:06 These people look deep within my soul and assign me a number based on the order in which I
12:11 joined.
12:17 Who controls the British crown? Who keeps the metric system down?
12:22 We do.
12:23 We do Who leads Atlantis off the maps Who keeps
12:29 the Martians under wraps We do We do
12:34 Who holds back The electric car Who makes Steve
12:40 Newtonburg A star We do We
12:45 do Who robs a fish of their sight Who rigs every Oscar night
12:51 We do.
12:59 Thank you.
13:01 Tonight, we are here to commemorate our glorious society's 1500th anniversary.
13:06 And in honor of this momentous occasion, we're having ribs.
13:10 Yeah!
13:12 Uh-oh.
13:14 I need a bib. If I slop any on my shirt, I could lose the respect of my beloved brethren.
13:19 So let us rejoice and enjoy our meal in the shadow of the hallowed,
13:23 sacred parchment.
13:27 Oh, my God.
13:29 Oh, my. Oh, yeah. Thanks, Lenny.
13:33 This is just appalling and outrageous.
13:36 What? Did I miss something?
13:40 Oh, God!
13:42 Oh, no!
13:43 This is outrageous! You can't do that! No!
13:45 You really are stupid.
13:52 and the official stonecutter underwear, too.
14:02 Please don't kick me out. This society is everything to me.
14:05 Please give me another chance. I've learned my lesson.
14:08 I've learned my lesson.
14:12 That's it.
14:13 How can we punish him further?
14:15 Oh, sorry. Homer Simpson,
14:17 for your continuing and baffling desecration of our beloved sacred parchment.
14:23 You are hereby banished from the stone cutters forever.
14:27 And as a final humiliation you must walk home naked dragging behind
14:33 you the stone of shame.
14:44 The mark!
14:47 Oh, that. It's just a birthmark, and I'll thank you not to stare.
14:51 He's the chosen one.
14:55 You are the chosen one whom the sacred parchment prophesied would
15:01 lead us to glory.
15:03 Now to the top of Mount Springfield for the coronation.
15:07 Remove the stone of shame.
15:10 Woo-hoo!
15:11 Attach the stone of triumph.
15:14 Oh!
15:15 Yay!
15:30 Wow.
15:32 Metal note, don't overdo this.
15:35 Hee hee hee! Ha ha ha ha!
15:39 Woo-do-dee-dee!
15:40 Peek-a-boo!
15:46 I always wondered if there was a god.
15:48 And now I know there is. And it's me. You're not a god, Homer.
15:53 Remember, Dad, all glory is fleeting. So?
15:56 Beware the Ides of March.
15:59 No. Dad, I know you think you're happy now, but it's not going to last forever.
16:02 Everything lasts forever. Don't you see?
16:04 Getting what you want all the time will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and joyless.
16:08 Remove the girl. Dad, you're not with your stone cutters now.
16:11 There are no lackeys around to carry out your every...
16:22 Another strike for the chosen one!
16:24 Hurrah!
16:25 Woo-hoo!
16:32 Wow, that's just an excellent break. Oh, most assured, yeah.
16:35 Absolutely.
16:36 Woo-hoo!
16:44 I'm out. No, no, no, no, Homer. You have a royal, um, sampler.
16:49 Oh, I win again, don't I?
16:52 Woo-hoo.
16:53 Good one.
16:55 You know, I think you guys are letting me win.
16:58 No!
17:01 Now on, I want you to be honest with me.
17:04 I mean, I'm not perfect, right?
17:07 Uh...
17:11 Um... Um...
17:16 Run.
17:23 The grand exalted leader requests a moment of your time.
17:26 Class dismissed.
17:29 Yay.
17:32 Lisa, you were right. My happiness is fading.
17:35 You're experiencing spiritual emptiness because your power has isolated you from other
17:40 human beings. What do you mean, isolated?
17:42 Aided, aided, aided.
17:44 Well, maybe you could reach out to the community and help other people.
17:48 Hmm, I could help others.
17:52 I'll get a bunch of monkeys, dress them up, and make them reenact a civil war.
17:58 Dad, that doesn't help people.
18:00 Couldn't hurt, unless the monkeys started hurting people,
18:03 which they almost certainly would.
18:11 Brothers! Brothers!
18:14 Brothers, I've learned a wonderful lesson.
18:18 Helping others makes our own lives better and makes us better people.
18:23 So instead of just shooting pool and drinking beer,
18:26 let us stone cutters use what we have to help the less fortunate.
18:34 He's gone mad with power, like that Albert Schweitzer guy.
18:45 Whee!
18:49 Oh, for the love of God!
18:51 Somebody get the jaws of life!
18:57 Higher! Higher!
19:00 Oh, I'll give you higher, my filthy little urchin.
19:07 You've won this round.
19:15 Oh, thank you, Mr. Simpson.
19:18 It looks so much better.
19:20 A beautiful sky blue.
19:26 You were right, Lisa.
19:28 I've never felt so spiritually fulfilled.
19:31 And with my brothers, the stonecutters behind me,
19:34 this is the beginning of a better world for all of us.
19:38 We gotta kill him! Take it easy, Mo.
19:41 Let's hear from the Stonecutter World Council before we act too rashly.
19:45 Kill him.
19:46 Kill him. Kill the fool!
19:47 I'm afraid I have to disagree with Orville, Jack, and mister.
19:52 Can't we just do something to his voice box?
19:54 We might as well face the truth.
19:56 As long as we're Stonecutters, he will control our lives.
20:00 Maybe.
20:01 But maybe we don't want to be Stonecutters no more.
20:10 That's much better than the old stonecutter hall.
20:14 Silence.
20:15 I now call to order the first meeting of the ancient mystic society of...
20:20 No Homers.
20:24 Hey, fellas.
20:26 Can I join? Sorry.
20:28 No Homers.
20:32 Loyal stonecutters, let us begin our reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg.
20:40 Boomer, you can't just keep hanging out with these Kolobus monkeys.
20:44 Somebody's gonna get parasites.
20:46 Oh, Marge, kids, I miss my club.
20:53 You know, you are a member of a very exclusive club.
20:57 The Black Panthers?
20:58 No.
20:59 The Family Simpson, which has just five members.
21:03 And only two of those members have special rings.
21:08 Yeah!
21:10 I meant our wedding rings.
21:14 You know, Marge, you're right.
21:16 The Simpson family is the best possible club I could belong to.
21:24 Oh! Oh! Ah!
21:27 This club better be worth it!
21:31 All right, all right, it's Lisa's turn.
21:44 Who controls the British crown? Who keeps the metric system down?
21:49 We do, we do.
21:52 Who keeps Atlantis off the maps? Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
21:57 We do, we do.
22:01 Who holds back the electric car?
22:05 Who makes Steve Gutenberg a star?
22:09 We do, we do.
22:13 Who rocks a fish of their sight? Who rigs every Oscar night?
22:18 We do, we do.
22:25 Shut up.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Kent Brockman, Jasper Beardsley, Groundskeeper Willie, Santa's Little Helper, Miss Hoover, Snowball II, Mayor Quimby, Sideshow Mel, Kirk Van Houten, Janey Powell, Gareth Prince, Dewey Largo, Herman Hermann, Just Stamp the Ticket Man, Arnie Pye, Scott Christian, George H. W. Bush, Leopold, Mr. T, Number 51, Number One, The Egg Council Guy, Billy, Building Owner, Homer Glumplich, Jack Nicholson, Joey, Orville Redenbacher, Plumber, Red-haired kid, Stern Lecture Plumbing, Stonecutter's Painter

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character