A Star Is Burns

The Simpsons, season 6, episode 18. First aired March 5, 1995. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Homer vs. Patty and Selma Lisa's Wedding → The whole episode as text

Caption it, or make a GIF

About the episode

Marge proposes a film festival to lift Springfield's image after the town is named the worst city in America, and New York critic Jay Sherman comes to judge it, staying with the Simpsons. Feeling disrespected, Homer talks his way onto the panel, while Mr. Burns hires director Señor Spielbergo to make a flattering biopic of himself and then tries to buy the judges' votes.

Written by: Ken Keeler
Directed by: Susie Dietter
Guest stars: Maurice LaMarche as Hannibal Lecter; Jon Lovitz as Jay Sherman; Phil Hartman as Charlton Heston; Maurice LaMarche as George C. Scott
Couch gag: Inverted Family
Production code: 2F31

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

329 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:04 The Simpsons
0:28 Hello, I'm Kent Brockman, and this is Eye on Springfield.
0:49 guitar solo
1:09 Tonight, we'll visit Springfield's answer to the Benedictine monks, the Rappin' Rabbis.
1:14 Don't eat pork.
1:16 Not even very fuck.
1:18 Can't touch this.
1:19 Marge, are we Jewish?
1:21 No, Homer.
1:22 Woo-hoo!
1:26 But first, we all stink. We all... Hey!
1:29 That's according to a national survey ranking,
1:31 Springfield is the least popular city in America.
1:34 In science, dead last. I'm telling you people,
1:38 the Earth revolves around the sun.
1:41 Burn him!
1:43 What a story! You've stolen my soul!
1:47 In culture, dead last.
1:49 Eleanor, we've got to do something about this depression.
1:53 So I propose... Oh, that's right, I'm crippled.
1:57 This is terrible. People will start to avoid Springfield.
2:01 But what can I do? I'm just... One... one man.
2:04 I think we should call a town meeting. If we don't do something soon,
2:08 we won't get any tourists at all. No tourists?
2:11 I'll be ruined.
2:13 Maps to movie stores, Holmes!
2:16 Maps for the cases of the cineastas!
2:19 Stop, stop, no chisel map, ooh!
2:24 Excuse me, are you Drew Barrymore?
2:27 What? Get out of here, I'm hungover.
2:29 Sorry, Miss Barrymore.
2:31 What?
2:33 Are there any suggestions for how to attract more tourism?
2:38 The easiest way to be popular is to leech off the popularity of others.
2:43 So we propose changing our name from Springfield to Seinfeld.
2:50 I may be just a boy, but I have an idea.
2:53 If I may, I'd like to show you a few slides.
2:55 Here's Springfield as it appears from space.
2:57 Somewhere in this windy valley is the Lost Dutchman's mine.
3:01 Young man, that appears to be a picture of your rear end.
3:04 So long, suckers.
3:09 This is the last time I use an escape plan devised by Milhouse.
3:13 Sorry, Bart.
3:14 I'm Marge Simpson, and I have an idea.
3:18 Oh, no.
3:19 Marge is going to say something. Now,
3:21 I know you haven't liked some of my past suggestions, like switching to the metric system.
3:26 But the metric system is the tool of the devil.
3:30 My car gets 40 rods to the hog's head,
3:34 and that's the way I likes it. The old person's remarks will be stricken from the record.
3:39 Who said that? But my new idea is different.
3:42 I think we should hold a film festival and give out prizes.
3:46 Could we make our own movies and enter them?
3:48 Yes.
3:49 At last, an excuse to wear makeup. All in favor of Marge Simpson's film festival idea?
3:55 Film festival!
3:58 You like my idea? Yeah.
3:59 Actually, I have several others.
4:01 Don't push your luck!
4:06 And action! Hello, I'm Bart Simpson.
4:10 In the past,
4:11 I've brought you such classic films as Homer in the Shower and Homer on the Toilet.
4:15 And now I give you The Eternal Struggle.
4:20 Relax, fit my Aunt Fanny, stupid duckers.
4:24 Oh, the belt is buckled.
4:30 Now, Maude, in our movie, you lay baby Moses in the basket,
4:34 then put it among the reeds, okay?
4:37 Lights, camera, act, diddly-doddly-diddly, action, Jackson!
4:45 Help me!
4:52 Flanders to God, Flanders to God, get off your cloud and save my Todd!
5:02 Yay!
5:05 Thanks, God.
5:06 Oakley doakley.
5:07 What you doing, Ma? I'm looking for a film critic to help judge our festival.
5:11 Did you know there are over 600 critics on TV and Leonard Maltin is the best looking of
5:16 them all? Ew.
5:18 Welcome to Coming Attractions. I'm your host, Jay Sherman.
5:21 Thank you. Tonight, we review an aging Charles Bronson in Death Wish 9.
5:28 I wish I was dead.
5:29 Oy.
5:30 But first, we have a special guest. Rainier Wolfcastle,
5:34 star of the reprehensible McBain movie.
5:37 Jay, my new film is a mix of action and comedy.
5:41 It's called McBain. Let's get silly.
5:44 Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up?
5:49 That's the joke. You suck, McBain!
5:56 Now my Woody Allen impression.
5:58 I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.
6:02 Hey, that really sucked!
6:08 The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half.
6:12 It cost 80 million dollars.
6:15 How do you sleep at night? On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.
6:21 Just ask him.
6:22 Yeesh!
6:23 I like him. He's smart, he's sensitive,
6:26 he's clearly not obsessed with his physical appearance.
6:29 My ears are burning.
6:30 Uh, I wasn't talking about you, Dad.
6:33 No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside, so I lit a Q-tip.
6:37 Hmm.
6:38 Dear Mr. Sherman, on behalf of the people of Springfield,
6:41 I would like to invite you to judge our film festival.
6:44 You can stay with us and enjoy the sights and sounds of the country.
6:49 Marge, is this a pimple or a boil? Just a minute, Homer.
6:52 Look what you made me write.
6:54 Anyway, we think you'll really enjoy our quiet little town.
6:57 Sincerely, Marge Simpson.
6:59 Hmm, do I really want to leave Manhattan?
7:02 Simon, I just realized you insulted me.
7:06 Now you will die.
7:08 Hey, Nutnik, your shoe's untied. From here they appear to be tied,
7:12 but I will go in for a closer look.
7:16 Taxi!
7:17 To the airport!
7:21 On closer inspection, these are loafers.
7:30 Attention, the flight from New York has arrived.
7:33 Hey, I'm landing here.
7:38 It's supposed to say Jay's name, not yours Oh, you're right
7:46 There you...
7:48 Just a second
7:50 Oh, that you...
7:52 Hello, I'm Marge Simpson and this is my husband, Homer Oh, nice to meet you,
7:57 Marge I saw your hair from the plane And you must be the man who didn't know if he had a
8:02 pimple or a boil It was a gummy bear.
8:05 Coming up next, the Flintstones meet the Jetsons.
8:09 Uh-oh. I smell another cheap cartoon crossover.
8:12 Bart Simpson, meet Jay Sherman, the critic.
8:15 Hello.
8:16 Hey, man, I really love your show. I think all kids should watch it.
8:20 I suddenly feel so dirty.
8:27 I don't know what's happening.
8:29 It seems our profits have dropped 37%. I'm afraid we have a bad image, sir.
8:34 Market research shows people see you as something of an ogre.
8:36 You ought to club them and eat their bones.
8:39 Well, maybe this film festival could help us.
8:42 A film biography might let them get to know the real you.
8:44 Virtuous, heroic, nubile.
8:47 You left out pleasant.
8:49 But I like that film biography idea.
8:52 The slick Hollywood picture to gloss over my evil rise to power like Bugsy or Working
8:58 Girl.
8:58 Get me Steven Spielberg. He's unavailable.
9:01 Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent.
9:04 Listen, Sr.
9:05 Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oscar Schindler.
9:10 Schindler es bueno.
9:11 Señor Burns es el diablo. Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod.
9:17 We're both factory owners. We both made shells for the Nazis.
9:20 But mine worked, damn it. Now go out there and win me that festival.
9:27 Homer, the guest should get the last pork chop.
9:30 But I'm still hungry.
9:41 Mr.
9:43 Sherman, I understand you have two Pulitzer Prizes.
9:46 Well, it's not like I carry them around with me.
9:50 Ooh, it's so hot in here.
9:53 Oh, look, here's my People's Choice Award.
9:55 Five Golden Globes.
9:59 Hmm.
10:00 Where's my Emmy?
10:03 Thank you?
10:04 Yeah, well, I won the belching contest at work.
10:11 Very nice, Homer.
10:20 Wow,
10:23 how many Pulitzer Prize winners can do that?
10:25 Just me and Eudora Welty. Oh, I invited my sisters over.
10:30 Ooh, sisters.
10:32 Allow me.
10:35 Ah!
10:37 So then I said to Woody Allen, well, Camus can do,
10:41 but Sartre is smart-tra. So original.
10:46 How droll.
10:47 Yeah, well, Scooby-Doo can do-do,
10:51 but Jimmy Carter is smarter.
10:59 Okay, Sherman, you're a movie expert. So tell us, who's gay?
11:04 Oh, I don't know.
11:05 Obby Feierstein.
11:06 No.
11:07 Who else?
11:09 Hey, Sherman, I still get sir Bob. Oh, MacGyver's gay.
11:19 You bad mouth MacGyver, didn't you?
11:23 Ma.
11:25 What you doing, Marge? Making out the jury list for the film festival.
11:29 Mayor Quimby, Crusty, Jay.
11:33 Marge, do you respect my intelligence?
11:38 Yes.
11:39 Okay.
11:40 Wait a minute. Why did it take you so long to say yes?
11:46 No reason.
11:47 Okay.
11:49 Wait a minute.
11:50 Are you humoring me?
11:54 Yes.
11:55 Okay.
11:56 Wait a minute, that's bad!
11:59 Look, I know I'm not witty like that critic guy,
12:02 but does he know all the words to the Oscar Mayer song?
12:05 Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener.
12:09 That is what I truly like to be.
12:13 Because if I were an Oscar Mayer wiener,
12:17 everyone would be in love with me.
12:28 That's it, Marge. He knows the whole hot dog song.
12:31 Go ahead, sleep with him. I'll just take a lock of your hair to remember you, boy.
12:37 It's just you and me now, lock of hair.
12:40 You don't have to do this. Yeah, well, you think I'm stupid.
12:43 I don't think you're stupid.
12:45 Prove it. Put me on that film jury festival thing.
12:47 Fine, you're on the jury.
12:50 Hmm.
12:56 Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you.
12:59 Excellent.
13:06 Next.
13:07 Excellent.
13:08 Next.
13:10 Exactly.
13:12 Next.
13:14 Excelente.
13:15 Es muy bueno.
13:16 Oh, it's hopeless.
13:18 I'll have to play myself.
13:23 Oh, I thought they were playing the Rocky Horror Picture Show tonight.
13:28 Our first film is by Indian director Apu Nahasapimapetilon.
13:32 Bright lights, beef jerky.
13:36 Help! Help, police!
13:37 Hey, I got problems of my own right now.
13:39 Oh boy, this is gonna get worse before it gets better.
13:45 Next, we have Moe the Bartender in Moe Better Booze.
13:50 Money gets you one more round. Drink it down, you stupid clown.
13:54 Money gets you one more round. You're out on your ass.
13:59 Whoa!
14:00 Ah, my back!
14:03 Hans Mole Man Productions presents Man Getting Hit by Football.
14:16 This contest is over. Give that man the $10,000.
14:21 This isn't America's Funniest Home Videos.
14:24 But the ball is growing.
14:27 It works at so many levels.
14:31 Roll it again. Next, they're going to show my movie.
14:35 You made a movie? I made a movie?
14:38 No wonder I was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly.
14:47 My name is Barney Gumbel. I'm 40, I'm single, and I drink.
15:01 There's a line in Othello about a drinker.
15:04 Now a sensible man I am by a fool Presently a beast That pretty well
15:10 covers it
15:16 It's brilliant Savagely honest,
15:19 tender He has the soul of a poet You're very kind Excuse me,
15:23 did something crawl down your throat and die?
15:25 It didn't die My name is Barney and I'm an alcoholic Mr.
15:30 Gumbel, this is a Girl Scout meeting Is it?
15:32 Or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?
15:42 Don't cry for me. I'm already dead.
15:57 I think we have a winner.
16:00 What'd I mean? Omar, please pay attention.
16:03 There's just one more movie.
16:16 Simple Villages, I promise you I will close plates in America and bring work here.
16:22 Viva, Senor Burns!
16:24 Viva!
16:25 Viva! Whoa!
16:28 Whoa!
16:31 We did 20 takes, and that was the best one.
16:35 Remember, Elliot, I'll be right here.
16:50 Your egotism. Self-indulgent tripe. I don't care what they say.
16:54 I'm going to win this festival.
17:07 Drink up, Judah Ben-Hur.
17:11 You truly are the king of kings.
17:17 Excellent.
17:22 Smithies, are they booing me? No, they're saying boo-erns.
17:27 Boo-erns. Are you saying boo or boo-erns?
17:32 Boo!
17:33 I was saying boo-erns.
17:41 Alright, it's time to vote for the grand prize.
17:44 I vote for Barney Gumbel's sensitive yet unfortunately titled film, Pucahontas.
17:50 Second.
17:51 Well, I vote for Burns' movie. Me too. Now let's get going.
17:54 I got a date with Eudora Welty.
17:58 Coming, Eudora.
18:03 Excellent.
18:04 Bribing those two judges has paid off,
18:06 just as it did during the Miss Teen America pageant.
18:09 How can you vote for Burns' movie? Let's just say it moved me.
18:14 To a bigger house! Oops, I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet.
18:19 Oh, dear.
18:20 Two to two.
18:21 Well, Homer, it all comes down to you. Football in the grind!
18:24 Football in the grind!
18:26 Well, we're not going to resolve this deadlock any time soon.
18:28 Why don't we all take a five-minute break?
18:31 It'll clear our heads.
18:32 Good idea, Marge. My mind is going a mile a minute.
18:40 I knew this would happen. I put you on the jury and you vote for the stupidest film.
18:45 I have every right to be on that jury,
18:47 even though I got there because I'm sleeping with the head of the festival.
18:50 How many times have I heard Rex Reed say that?
18:53 Oh, great. Now you're going to make fun of me.
18:55 No, Homer, I won't make fun.
18:56 But I will suggest that there may be better things in life than seeing a man get hit in
19:01 the groin with a football.
19:05 Well, Homer?
19:06 Marge, I've got some serious thinking to do.
19:12 Hmm, Barney's movie had heart, but football in the groin had a football in the groin.
19:18 Don't cry for me. I'm already dead.
19:22 Wow.
19:23 I'll never drink another beer. Beer here.
19:26 I'll take ten.
19:27 And now to announce the winners.
19:29 The award for outstanding animated short goes to Itchy and Scratchy for their film Four
19:35 Funerals and a Wedding.
20:04 And now, the winner of the grand prize.
20:11 Barney Gumbel!
20:17 Only you voted for the right movie. I'm glad you were on the jury.
20:24 You know something, Marge? It's not that tough being a film cricket.
20:29 I've learned I have a gift to share with the world.
20:32 From now on, there'll be a new Barnard Gumbel.
20:35 Hard working, clean and sober. Congratulations, Barney,
20:39 and enjoy your grand prize, a lifetime supply of Duff beer.
20:44 Just hook it to my veins!
20:49 Goodbye, Mr. Sherman.
20:51 If I ever play Carnegie Hall, I'll give you a call.
20:54 And if you ever want to visit my show...
20:56 Nah, we're not going to be doing that. Well, Jay,
20:58 I hope you tell your New York friends that people in small towns aren't quite as dumb as
21:02 they think. Marge, look, this has spring snakes inside,
21:05 but the suckers will think it's beer nuts.
21:08 Beer nuts.
21:10 So? Well, it was a lovely festival.
21:14 The best movie won, and Mr. Burns found there are some awards that can't be bought.
21:18 And the Oscar goes to?
21:21 I've got to win this one. I bribed everyone in Hollywood.
21:25 George Z. Scott in Man Getting Hit by Football.
21:33 Ah, my groin!
22:29 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Nelson Muntz, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Jasper Beardsley, Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier, Santa's Little Helper, Lou, Eddie, Miss Hoover, Todd Flanders, Maude Flanders, Rod Flanders, Mayor Quimby, Larry Dalrymple, Hans Moleman, Bernice Hibbert, Snake, Itchy, Scratchy, Herman Hermann, Alice Glick, Bumblebee Man, Rainier Wolfcastle, Princess Kashmir, Dave Shutton, God, McBain, Mervin Monroe, Moses, Anthony Hopkins, Charles Bronson, Hannibal Lecter, Jay Sherman, Mrs. Scratchy, Beer Vendor, Charlton Heston, Elliot, George C. Scott, Ha Ha!, Judah Ben-Hur, Señor Spielbergo, The Rappin' Rabbis, William Shatner, Woman moved by Pukahontas

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character