Homer vs. Patty and Selma

The Simpsons, season 6, episode 17. First aired February 26, 1995. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Bart vs. Australia A Star Is Burns → The whole episode as text

From “Homer vs. Patty and Selma”: “Even though it's first come, first serve, and the most popular sports fill up fast.” — Even though it's first come, first serve, and the most popular sports fill up fast.

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About the episode

After a failed pumpkin investment leaves him short on the mortgage, Homer borrows from Patty and Selma, who make him their servant while he hides the loan from Marge. When the sisters risk their jobs by smoking at the DMV, Homer takes the blame and they forgive the debt. Meanwhile, late for gym sign-ups, Bart lands in ballet and shows a real talent under his teacher, voiced by Susan Sarandon.

Written by: Brent Forrester
Directed by: Mark Kirkland
Guest stars: Susan Sarandon as Ballet Teacher; Mel Brooks
Chalkboard gag: I will remember to take my medication
Couch gag: Beam
Production code: 2F14

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

370 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:39 This place is gonna smell classy all week.
0:42 To Homer, the Wall Street genius!
0:54 Hey, Homer, how come you got money to burn?
0:56 Or singe, anyway. Yeah, Homer, what's your secret investment?
0:59 Take a guess.
1:01 Uh, pumpkins?
1:03 Yeah, that's right, Barney.
1:04 This year, I invested in pumpkins.
1:06 They've been going up the whole month of October.
1:09 And I got a feeling they're gonna peak right around January.
1:12 and bang, that's when I'll cash in.
1:15 Two homers and a Sergeant Pepper who is growing out of the middle of your back.
1:21 Uh, Bon, you gotta unwrap the plastic before you smoke these.
1:25 Two homers, yeah!
1:26 Get a helmet. Way to go. Hey, homers.
1:31 Hold me a knuckle beak. I told you a hundred times.
1:34 You gotta sell your pumpkin futures before Halloween.
1:36 Before.
1:37 All right, let's not panic.
1:38 I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers.
1:40 I can get by with one.
1:42 Oh, how am I going to tell Marge we're broke?
1:45 I need a miracle.
1:47 My house is on fire!
1:49 Woo-hoo!
1:50 Insurance to the rescue!
1:54 Oh.
1:56 Hello, Homer.
1:59 Marge, we had a deal. Your sisters don't come here after six,
2:03 and I stop eating your lipstick.
2:05 This is a special occasion.
2:07 Patty and Selma just got promoted at the DMV.
2:09 Yeah, Homer. Let your wife have a glimpse of success for once.
2:14 All right.
2:15 That's the last straw.
2:17 Time to take out the trash. But first, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
2:32 I'm sorry.
2:33 Homer doesn't mean to be rude. He's just a very complicated man.
2:37 Wrong!
2:38 When are you going to wake up and smell your husband, Marge?
2:42 Granted, you got some kids out of him. But when the seeds have been planted,
2:45 you throw away the envelope. I wish he wouldn't put Homer down like that.
2:49 He may not be a big success like you,
2:51 but I can always count on him to provide for the family.
2:53 Oh, sweet, trusting Marge. I can't let you down.
2:57 I'll get some money somehow.
3:02 Hello, Vegas.
3:03 Give me a hundred bucks on red.
3:05 Don't! All right, I'll send you a check.
3:11 If only I could think of an invention.
3:13 Something that would really make money.
3:15 Must concentrate and work harder than I've ever worked.
3:25 Congratulations, Mr. Simpson. This invention of yours has made us all rich.
3:29 Especially you. It's simple yet ingenious, and it fits right in the palm of your hand.
3:33 Every person in America now owns one of these And in many cases,
3:37 three or four Could I just get a look at that?
3:39 Now, why would you need to see it?
3:41 You're the genius who invented the product in question But could I just...
3:44 Now, don't worry You'll get to see it just as soon as we unveil our new ad campaign
3:50 Let me see, let me see, out of the way Homer, Homer,
3:53 wake up There's still a few minutes till our usual bedtime No,
3:57 my invention All my money problems could have...
4:00 Money problems?
4:01 Homer, are we in some sort of fiduciary trouble?
4:06 Oh, Marge, my loyal wife, of course not.
4:11 And Lisa, my little princess.
4:14 And who could forget dear Rat Boy?
4:17 Rat Boy, I resent that.
4:20 Marge, I told you before, stop gnawing on the drywall.
4:24 What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing,
4:28 bees are trying to have sex with them, as is my understanding.
4:31 It is a gorgeously fabulous day.
4:34 Marvelous, even.
4:35 So, uh, what's your hurry to get to school?
4:39 Nothing.
4:40 What's your hurry?
4:44 That's enough, Bart. Fun is fun, but if we're late, we're gonna get in trouble.
4:48 You're right, Milhouse.
4:50 Fun is fun.
4:56 Attention, students.
4:57 It's time once again to choose a gym class for the coming term.
4:59 So let's all prove how adult we can be by filing to the gym in a calm and orderly manner.
5:04 Even though it's first come, first serve, and the most popular sports fill up fast.
5:11 God!
5:12 Too many wee ones!
5:15 This gets uglier every year. Any sign of Barton Milhouse?
5:19 No. And if they don't get here soon, it'll be TS for them.
5:25 I don't feel right.
5:29 Do you hear that, Bart? That was a tardy bell.
5:32 Truant, truant, truant, they'll all say.
5:34 Ah, who needs him?
5:37 I can have fun all by myself.
5:39 So right. So right. So right. So right. So right.
5:42 So right. So right.
5:46 Sure, Homer, I can loan you all the money you need.
5:48 However, since you have no collateral, I'm going to have to break your legs in advance.
5:54 Gosh, Mom, I use these all the time. Couldn't you just bash my head in?
5:58 Hey, hey, are you alone, Chuck?
6:00 Do you understand how finance works?
6:02 Now let's do this thing.
6:11 Oh, no, it's P.E. sign-up day.
6:13 How could you forget they had signs posted all over the library?
6:16 Better sign up for something fast, man.
6:19 Baseball just filled up.
6:20 So did Taekwondo.
6:32 There's only one class left, but it happens to be the coolest one of all.
6:39 Ballet?
6:40 Dancing is for girls.
6:41 Well, you should have gotten here earlier.
6:44 Uh, I need another extension on my mortgage payments.
6:47 I understand that, Mr. Simpson, but according to our computer,
6:50 your credit history is not good.
6:52 It says here that you've been pre-declined for every major credit card.
6:55 It also says that you once grabbed a dog by the hind legs and pushed him around like a
7:00 vacuum cleaner. That was in the third grade.
7:01 Well, it all goes on your permanent record.
7:03 I'm sorry, but if you don't come up with that money by tomorrow,
7:06 the bank is going to take your house. Well,
7:08 good luck finding it because I'm going to take the numbers off tonight.
7:11 Well, we'll look for the house with no numbers.
7:13 Then I'll take off the numbers on my neighbor's house.
7:14 So then we'll look for the house next to the house with no numbers.
7:19 All right, you'll get your money.
7:21 You're my last, last chance. Bottom of the barrel hill, Mary Longshot.
7:26 Wish you would do it, but probably won't.
7:28 Final resort to lend me money.
7:29 We'll take care of you.
7:31 Yes.
7:31 Care.
7:53 Cut him a check and get him the hell out of here.
8:01 What a wonderful dinner.
8:03 What a beautiful family.
8:05 Someone get a picture of me with my arm around his steak.
8:07 You're certainly in a good mood tonight, Dad.
8:09 Well, Lisa, I managed to solve a little problem today.
8:13 And to celebrate, I'm going to tilt my chair.
8:18 Mmm, slanty.
8:21 Patty, Selma, what are you doing here?
8:23 We thought we'd stop by unexpectedly for dinner.
8:27 Now bring us some extra chairs like a good blubber-in-law.
8:30 Time to fertilize the lawn. A couple of 500-pound bags should do it.
8:34 Homer, be careful with my sister's heads.
8:36 Their necks are brittle. That's okay, Marge.
8:38 Nothing's broke except Homer.
8:41 What's that supposed to mean? It means...
8:45 It means these two fabulous babes are staying for dinner.
8:51 Now there's a stink I could have done without This has been such a nice peaceful dinner
8:57 It calls for a celebration I'm going to make the most international coffee in the house
9:02 Montreal Morn
9:06 Alright, you had your fun,
9:07 now get lost Our fun hasn't begun yet We know
9:15 something you don't want Marge to know Now we own you like
9:20 Siegfried owns Roy.
9:22 I'm sorry.
9:23 All we have is Nescafe.
9:25 I'm very, very sorry.
9:28 Oh, Marge, Marge, you're just in time.
9:30 Homer's getting ready to give us a foot rub.
9:33 You are?
9:34 No!
9:37 I'm giving them a foot massage.
9:40 At least let me have that.
9:43 You can start with the corns. Then you can move on to bunion country.
9:48 Okay, steady Bart Taking ballet doesn't make you any less of a man
9:59 All right girls,
10:00 today we learn the dance of the fairy queens You can either be a fairy or a queen It's
10:06 wide open
10:09 Ah, and what have we here? A young man maybe who thinks he can be the next Baryshnikov?
10:14 I don't want to be the next anything I'm only taking this stupid class because they made
10:18 me. So, he has fire in the belly.
10:20 But it will take more than belly fire to be the next Baryshnikov.
10:24 Look, Boris, I think ballet is for sissies.
10:27 Ballet is for the strong, the fierce, the determined, but for the sissies, never.
10:32 Now, put on this fussy at heart.
10:34 You are a fairy.
10:38 Quit in time. Let's go, Homer. On the way home, we're stopping at Moe's for a zebra.
10:42 Maybe he'll just stay and work overtime.
10:44 My sisters-in-law are at my house again.
10:47 Oh, but quit wallowing in self-pity.
10:49 Put yourself together and come get drunk with us.
10:57 Is something wrong, Mr. Simpson? I don't like wearing tights, ma'am.
11:01 But so many of your heroes wear tights.
11:04 Batman, for example.
11:06 And Magellan. Look, I don't like this cootie platoon, and I never will.
11:09 I'm out of here, and I'm out of this stupid outfit.
11:16 Wait.
11:17 Joy of movement increasing.
11:19 Love of dance impossible to resist.
11:23 Toes twinkling.
11:25 Look at me, girls.
11:26 I'm doing ballet.
11:28 And I love it!
11:31 Am I wrong? Or did it just get fatter in here?
11:36 Request permission to slink by. Permission pending.
11:40 First, light our cigarettes. But you're already smoking, Sig...
11:48 You're really pushing it. Come on, Homer.
11:51 You can't spell obsequious without I-O-U.
11:54 I'll have to trust you on that. Well, Marge was always a good speller.
11:58 Let's ask her. No! Don't tell Marge. I'll be good.
12:01 I'll be good.
12:07 Just for that, you have to crawl around on the floor like the dog you are.
12:14 Yes, ma'am.
12:17 Now say, I am Homer Simpson, the lowly dog.
12:21 In a dog voice.
12:22 I am Homer Redford. Oh, good. Jump, Homer, jump.
12:26 What's going on in here?
12:29 What's that paper? What paper?
12:36 Homer, is this projection accurate? Did you borrow money from my sisters?
12:42 I don't know, Marge. I can't be expected to keep track of all my wheelings and dealings.
12:45 He blew all your savings on jack-o'-lanterns.
12:49 You told!
12:54 Sorry, Marge.
12:57 I never want to see you again!
13:00 You either.
13:01 Homer.
13:02 Homer, why didn't you tell me?
13:04 That was a shame, Marge. I failed you as a husband and a provider.
13:08 And at best, I was a B-plus dog.
13:11 I'll understand if you want to sleep on the couch tonight.
13:19 How's Dad today?
13:21 Not too good, Lisa.
13:24 Frankly, he's underneath the table.
13:26 Nobody make me any breakfast.
13:28 A man so deeply in debt doesn't deserve it.
13:31 But I like to make you breakfast.
13:33 In that case, I'll just have French toast with double butter and a side of bacon.
13:37 but no powdered sugar. I don't deserve it.
13:40 Maybe a little powdered sugar.
13:48 See that?
13:49 I started to do like a little arabesque but then I just fully went for it and pulled off
13:53 the demi-entres shawl.
13:55 Not that I'm into that kind of thing.
13:59 Bravissimo, Bart!
14:00 Next week, class gives its first recital and you, you will dance the male lid.
14:06 Dance in front of my whole school?
14:08 What is it with you and ballet?
14:09 I know you have great conflict, Bart.
14:12 You love ballet.
14:13 Yet, you fear the boys will laugh at you.
14:16 No?
14:17 No, I fear the girls will laugh at me.
14:19 I fear the boys will beat the living snot out of me.
14:23 Hey, Dad, what you doing? Daddy has very important work to do.
14:27 He's looking through the one-heads to find a part-time job.
14:30 Dad, that's a gag paper we got at the carnival.
14:32 Oh, no wonder I didn't hear about Bart being elected world's greatest sex machine.
14:36 Oh, I'll never pay off that debt Need money fast?
14:40 Got no experience?
14:41 Step up to elegance Become a limo driver at Classy Joe's That's it I'll make money with a
14:47 chauffeur job Good thing it turned on that TV,
14:50 Lisa I didn't turn it on I thought you turned it on No, well anyway, turn it off
14:55 It is off
15:03 You're gonna have to work hard to win this crowd over Most of them are here as part of
15:07 detention.
15:07 Pretty big crowd.
15:09 Mm-hmm.
15:10 We even bust in troublemakers from other schools.
15:23 That spiky-haired masked dancer is really something.
15:26 I wonder who he is. He's graceful, yet masculine.
15:30 So it's okay for me to enjoy this. This reminds me of the movie Fame.
15:35 And to a lesser extent, the TV series, which was also called Fame.
15:43 Oh, wow. I can't believe my very first passenger is comedy legend Mel Brooks.
15:49 I loved that movie. Young Frankenstein scared the hell out of me.
15:54 Um, thanks. Hey, let's do that 2,000-pound man thing.
15:58 I'll be that Carl Reiner guy, and you'll be what's-his-face.
16:01 Homer, it's not that easy. It takes the genius of Carl Reiner and the rhythm and timing.
16:05 that only he and I... Sir, today every country has a national anthem.
16:09 Did they have national anthems 2,000 years ago?
16:12 Sure, sure we had. Of course, we was caves.
16:15 But every cave had a national anthem.
16:17 I'll never forget my cave's national anthem.
16:20 What was that national anthem? Let him all go to hell except Cave 76.
16:28 What's with your siren?
16:29 What's with the siren?
16:32 Evening, Simpson.
16:33 You got a shirt and your taillight started blinking when you made that turn.
16:36 I see your chauffeur's license.
16:38 Chauffeur's license, eh?
16:40 Mel, buckle your boy's belt!
16:45 Since you're trying to make a getaway in park, I'm guessing you don't have a license.
16:50 Better head down to the DMV. These two broads will help you out.
16:55 Wow.
16:56 Officer, this man is making me a little edgy.
16:59 Could you please give me a ride to the airport?
17:01 Hey, hey, you're Mel Brooks. Sure, I'll give you a ride.
17:05 Oh, thank you.
17:06 On the way, we can do that $2,000 man thing.
17:10 You be Carl Reiner, and I'll be Police Chief Wiggum.
17:13 Listen, why don't you play Carl Reiner and let me play Police Chief Wiggum?
17:17 I hate Carl Reiner.
17:22 I haven't been moved like this since the Joy Luck Club.
17:29 They love me. I'm accepted.
17:31 I don't need this mask anymore. Behold, the masked dancer is me, Fart!
17:38 It is I who have won your acclaim. Fart does ballet!
17:43 He dances like girls!
17:45 Go ahead and laugh, but I took a chance and did something I wanted to do.
17:49 And if that makes me a sissy, well then, I guess I'm a sissy.
17:54 He's a sissy!
17:56 Let's rush him!
17:58 Yeah!
17:59 Yeah, let's get him!
17:59 Come on!
18:04 No, no, no! Uh-oh!
18:05 No, no, no, no! Bart, use the ballet.
18:09 Leap, leap like you've never leapt before!
18:20 Looks like he took a pretty bad spill.
18:24 Well, as long as he's hurt.
18:29 Bart,
18:30 I am so proud of you You've shown a sensitive side of yourself that can never be erased
18:34 From this day forward, we are kindred spirits
18:39 Why'd you just leave me here when I clearly need medical attention?
18:47 Stupid driving tests at the stupid DMV Where stupid Patty and stupid Selma work Sometimes
18:52 I think God is teasing me Just like he teased Moses in the desert Test it, Homer.
18:57 God, test it, Moses.
18:58 And try to be nice to my sisters.
19:00 Very hard on me to have you fighting all the time.
19:03 Oh, okay, Marge. I'll get along with them.
19:05 Then I will hug some snakes. Yes, I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes!
19:12 Now that's sarcasm.
19:14 Well, well, well. Look who needs us again to get his chauffeur's license.
19:19 Look, all I ask is that you be fair. Oh, did not adjust side mirror.
19:23 Minus one point. Failed to check blind spot, minus two points.
19:27 You won't be happy till my family thinks I'm a loser, will you?
19:29 You are a loser, Homer. And we're winners.
19:31 You gotta learn that. Ooh, seatbelt twisted, minus one point.
19:35 Nagging the driver, minus ten points for you.
19:38 Raise the cone, minus five points. Being a jerk, minus a million points.
19:42 Don't. One more wrong answer, and Homer flunked another of life's little tests.
19:47 And what's this?
19:48 Ooh, someone didn't fill in a circle all the way.
19:52 Oh.
19:54 Mmm.
19:55 Oh, oh boy. Oh, that felt good. Let me try.
19:58 Let me try.
20:00 Oh, yeah. Oh, boy. Oh, that was so sweet.
20:06 So, Homer, how'd you do?
20:08 Well, I... Ladies, please don't tell me you're smoking in a government building.
20:14 Because that is precisely the kind of infraction that can cost a couple of sisters their
20:18 promotion.
20:19 Ha, ha.
20:20 Yeah. Whoa.
20:21 What?
20:22 What are you talking about? Who's what?
20:25 She is? What this?
20:33 I'll never forgive myself for this.
20:38 Wait a minute. Those are yours, sir? Yes.
20:42 I am in flavor country.
20:45 Both of them?
20:47 It's a big country.
20:49 Ladies, I apologize.
20:50 And you, sir, are worse than Hitler.
20:54 Homer, I'm...
20:56 I'm speechless.
20:57 You just saved our hides. Please, on top of everything else,
21:00 don't make me picture your hides. That's a wonderful thing you did for my sisters.
21:05 I didn't do it for them. I did it for you, Marge.
21:08 I'd kill for you.
21:10 Please ask me to kill for you. No, homie.
21:13 You see? You see, this is the stuff I've been telling you about that you never see.
21:17 Homer.
21:21 We're...
21:23 Sorry.
21:23 If there's anything we can do to make it up...
21:25 Call off to Debt? Or say we could let you pass your driver's test.
21:29 Call off to Debt?
21:30 Uh... Well... Debt's off. Let's go, Marge.
21:32 Woo-hoo!
21:34 Woo!
21:51 Thank you.
22:27 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Principal Skinner, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Mrs. Krabappel, Nelson Muntz, Ralph Wiggum, Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier, Groundskeeper Willie, Lewis Clark, Richard, Jimbo Jones, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Larry Dalrymple, Hans Moleman, Dolph Starbeam, Black Weasel, Yellow Weasel, Ballet Teacher, DMV Manager, Debt Collector, Mel Brooks, Stockbroker

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character