Bart vs. Australia

The Simpsons, season 6, episode 16. First aired February 19, 1995. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Homie the Clown Homer vs. Patty and Selma → The whole episode as text

From “Bart vs. Australia”: “Yes.” — Yes.

Caption it, or make a GIF

About the episode

Doubting Lisa's claim that drains swirl the other way south of the equator, Bart places a collect call to Australian boy Tobias Drundridge, sticking Tobias's father with a $900 bill. When Australia charges Bart with fraud, State Department official Evan Conover takes the family Down Under to apologize, but the Australians also demand that Bart be kicked with a giant boot, and the Simpsons flee to the American embassy.

Written by: Bill Oakley and Josh Weinstein
Directed by: Wes Archer
Guest stars: Phil Hartman as Evan Conover
Chalkboard gag: I will not hang donuts on my person
Couch gag: Swimming Family
Production code: 2F13

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

326 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:04 The Simpsons
0:37 Go!
0:54 Go, Toothbase, go!
0:56 Move your pasty white butt. Come on, shampoo, you can do it!
1:01 Yay, I won your stupid bathroom products race!
1:03 No fair. You only won because you had the inside track.
1:06 If the water was spinning the other way...
1:08 It never spins the other way. In the northern hemisphere,
1:11 water always drains counterclockwise.
1:13 It's called the Coriolis effect.
1:15 No way.
1:16 Water doesn't obey your rules.
1:18 It goes where it wants. Like me, babe.
1:21 Yes, Bart.
1:22 Why don't you try it and see?
1:28 I know I've seen it go the other way.
1:30 Ah, faithful toilet.
1:33 You'll prove me right.
1:42 Let me ding it in the...
1:47 Cold!
1:50 Oh, who's doing that?
1:55 Oh, for Pete's sake, Bart. use the plunger!
1:59 Bart, water will only go the other way in the southern hemisphere.
2:03 What the hell is the southern hemisphere?
2:05 Haven't you ever looked at your globe?
2:10 See?
2:10 The southern hemisphere is made up of everything below the equi...
2:16 This line.
2:18 Hmm.
2:18 So down there in, say, Argentina, or Rand McNally,
2:24 all their water runs backwards? Uh-huh.
2:26 In fact, in Rand McNally, they wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people.
2:32 Cool.
2:52 Hello, Southern Hemisphere.
2:54 Which way does the water go in your toilet?
2:56 Just a minute. I'll check.
3:10 Please do repeat again, and I will translate in for the El Presidente.
3:14 Which way does the water turn in your toilet?
3:17 Dice que el curso está cambiando.
3:20 Ay caramba, los insurgentes ya van a capturar la capital.
3:24 Necesito a huir.
3:27 I can't get a straight answer out of this crazy hemisphere.
3:34 One minute, one minute.
3:38 The car phone is a nuisance phone.
3:41 It's not just my phone. Yeah, yeah.
3:48 Bark, you can't actually call these places.
3:51 Don't you know how expensive international calls are?
3:56 Hello, operator.
3:57 I'd like to make a collect call to Australia.
4:08 This is the international operator. Will you accept a collect call from...
4:12 Uh, yes.
4:13 This is Dr. Bart Simpson of the International Drains Commission.
4:16 It's an emergency. If it's an emergency, then...
4:19 We understand some drains in your area have been malfunctioning,
4:21 sucking in people and whatnot. We like hairs.
4:24 That's awful.
4:25 Indeed.
4:26 We need you to check your sinks and toilets and tell us which way the water is going,
4:30 and please, stand clear.
4:39 The fixtures, they're all draining clockwise, sir.
4:42 Oh, she was right, stupid Lisa Science Queen.
4:45 Why don't you just check your neighbor's drains?
4:48 I'll hold.
4:53 Hey, Bart, the bakery caught fire in all downtown smells like cookies.
4:58 Want to go smell?
5:00 Yes.
5:01 Yes, I do.
5:09 Hello?
5:11 Sir?
5:12 Sir? Huh?
5:13 I've returned from the Kulamagari's place.
5:15 There's raining clockways, too.
5:17 Draining?
5:18 I don't care about that anymore. Arena, it didn't.
5:27 Burkina Faso?
5:28 Disputed zone? Who called all these weird places?
5:31 Quiet. It might be you. I can't remember.
5:33 No, I'm going to ask Marge. No, no.
5:35 Why embarrass us both? Just write a check and I'll release some more endorphins.
5:42 Oh.
5:43 Nine hundred dollar-y-do's?
5:46 Tobias!
5:47 Did you accept a six-hour collect call from the states?
5:50 It was an emergency call from the International Drainage Commission in Springfield.
5:55 Oh, my God.
5:57 There's nothing wrong with the bidet, is there?
6:00 Hello? Right, I'm calling all the way from Squatter's Crog, Australia,
6:04 and I want to speak to Dr. Bat Simpson right now.
6:08 Uh, hold please.
6:10 All right, but I didn't... Hey, we're all Bert Stanton speaking.
6:13 Oi, I said Bat Simpson.
6:16 What kind of a company is this? Bat Simpson's office!
6:18 Thank the great good Lord. Look, I was just so...
6:21 One moment, please!
6:24 Who do they think I am? Some stupid Aussie Drongo?
6:28 Pleading yanks. I ought to... This is Bart Simpson.
6:31 Can I help you, ma'am? Yeah, hey!
6:33 My name is Bruno Drundridge, right? You owe me $900, mate.
6:38 No, you owe me $900.
6:40 Oh, you... Ooh, you're just some punk kid, aren't you?
6:44 Ooh, you picked the wrong guy to tangle with here, mate.
6:49 I don't think so. You're all the way in Australia.
6:52 Hey, I think I hear a dingo eating your baby.
6:55 Yeah, well... Ooh!
6:57 Oh, that's it. I'm gonna report this to me member of parliament.
7:02 Hey, Gus!
7:03 I got something to report to you. That's a bloody outrage it is.
7:08 I'm gonna take this all the way to the Prime Minister.
7:14 Hey, Mr.
7:16 Prime Minister!
7:19 Andy!
7:20 Aye, mate.
7:21 What's a good word?
7:24 Mr. Simpson, blah, blah, Misrepresentation over telephone, yada yada.
7:29 Sincerely, some Australian jerk.
7:40 Hey, I need that!
7:43 Office of the Solicitor General?
7:45 Office of the Prime Minister?
7:47 Hopping mag collection agency? What is all this stuff?
7:51 Nothing.
7:52 Some stupid country thinks I owe them money.
7:55 Uh-oh, Bart, you better talk to Mom and Dad about this.
7:59 Hey, guys, just so you don't hear any wild rumors,
8:02 I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.
8:04 There's no reason to block the TV.
8:07 Oh, my.
8:11 Bart, did you trick an Australian boy into accepting a $900 collect call?
8:16 Yes, m.
8:17 Hmm, there it is.
8:19 Australia.
8:21 I'll be damned.
8:23 Look at this country!
8:25 You are gay.
8:32 Oh, my. Hello.
8:33 I'm Evan Conover with the U.S.
8:35 State Department.
8:37 Undersecretary for International Protocol.
8:39 Brat and Punk the Vision.
8:42 Unfortunately, Bart, your little escapade could not have come at a worse time.
8:46 Ameri-Australian relations are at an all-time low.
8:51 As I'm sure you remember, in the late 1980s, the U.S.
8:54 experienced a short-lived infatuation with Australian culture.
8:58 For some bizarre reason, the Aussies thought this would be a permanent thing.
9:02 Of course it wasn't. I know those words, but that sign makes no sense.
9:06 Anyway, the Down Under fad fizzled, and the diplomatic climate turned absolutely frosty.
9:12 Oops, let's pretend we didn't see that.
9:16 And Bart's childish taunting agitated the Aussies further.
9:19 Oh, he'll agitate you. Oh, he sure will.
9:25 Oh, ho, ho.
9:27 Oh, ha.
9:29 What can we do for you? Well, it's too late to merely pay back the money,
9:33 but as a sign of good faith to our Australian friends,
9:35 we'd like to imprison Bart for five years.
9:38 That's tough but fair. Boy, go with the man.
9:41 No, no, no, no.
9:44 I'm not going to have my son go to jail over some silly tiff with Australia.
9:49 You'll just have to find some other country to have relations with.
9:53 You're sure now? The prison train is sailing.
9:56 Okay, I'm not hearing a lot of support for prison.
9:59 There is one other option.
10:02 They'll drop the charges if Bart makes a public apology in Australia.
10:06 All Bart has to do is apologize and we get a free trip to Australia?
10:09 Mm-hmm.
10:10 I can handle that. I'm an expert at phony apologies.
10:13 Bart! I'm sorry.
10:15 That's better.
10:48 Uh, we left at 1.30 p.m. Monday. What time is it now?
10:53 It's 6.45 a.m. next Wednesday.
10:55 You may also be interested to know that it's summer here, not winter.
10:59 Oh!
11:00 What does that sign say? I thought they spoke English in this country.
11:04 It says you can't bring in outside plants or animals.
11:07 Any foreign creature you bring in could upset the environmental balance.
11:11 Oh.
11:14 Sorry, girl.
11:16 I don't want to get in any more trouble down here.
11:18 I'll pick you up on the way home.
11:38 Hey!
11:38 Are you like one of those English guards who can't laugh or smile or anything?
11:48 No, sir.
11:49 U.S. Marine Corps, sir.
11:54 Oh, yeah.
11:55 This is the life.
11:56 Boy, next summer, can you commit some fraud in Orlando, Florida?
12:00 I'm way ahead of you, Dad.
12:02 Knock.
12:04 Simpsons, I'd like you to meet our ambassador, the Honorable Averill Ward.
12:07 Hello.
12:08 Now, everything is all set for Bart's apology.
12:11 Mr. Conover will meet you at the Parliament House at 3 p.m.
12:14 Any questions?
12:15 Yeah. Do the toilets go backwards in here?
12:17 No.
12:18 To combat homesickness,
12:19 we've installed a device that makes them swirl the correct American way.
12:29 Sweet land of liberty,
12:33 of the high king.
12:39 Hey, G.I. Joe, your sign's broken. We're already in Australia.
12:44 Actually, sir, the embassy is considered American soil, sir.
12:47 Really? Look, boy, now I'm in Australia.
12:50 Now I'm in America.
12:51 Australia.
12:52 America. I get it, Dad. America.
12:55 Australia.
12:55 America. Australia. America.
12:56 Australia.
12:57 America.
12:57 Australia.
12:58 Oh, here in America, we don't tolerate that kind of crap, sir.
13:04 Australia was originally founded as a settlement for British convicts.
13:09 Lisa, watch your camera.
13:17 You call that a knife?
13:20 This is a knife.
13:22 That's not a knife, that's a spoon.
13:24 All right, all right, you win.
13:26 I see you've played knifey-spoony before.
13:30 Hey, give me one of those famous giant beers I heard so much about.
13:36 Something wrong, Yank?
13:37 No, it's pretty big, I guess.
13:41 I'll just have a cup of coffee. Beer it is.
13:44 No, I said coffee.
13:46 Beer?
13:47 Cough E B E
13:51 C O B A
14:00 We'll meet you boys back here for dinner.
14:02 Good luck, honey.
14:04 Bart, I'm sorry I'm going to miss your public humiliation,
14:07 but the Wallumbaloo Dirt Monument is just too exciting to pass up.
14:19 Hear ye, hear ye.
14:21 This session will now come to order.
14:23 With the cooperation of the US Department of State,
14:26 we are pressing today one Bart Simpson.
14:31 I believe he has something to say.
14:34 Bart.
14:43 I'm sorry.
14:45 I'm sorry for what I did to your country.
14:49 Well, you're free to go, but...
14:54 Right after your additional punishment.
14:56 Punishment?
14:57 Well, a mere apology would be a bit empty, eh?
15:00 Let the booting begin!
15:02 Booting?
15:03 No, it's just a little kick in the bum.
15:13 Uh-oh.
15:21 What kind of a sick country would kick someone with a giant boot?
15:25 Mr. Simpson, shush.
15:27 Disparaging the boot is a bootable offense.
15:29 It's one of their proudest traditions.
15:36 You sold us out, conover!
15:48 Stay back or I'll boot your prime minister.
15:51 I'll do it. So help me God, I'll boot him.
15:55 When will you Australians learn?
15:57 In America, we stopped using corporal punishment and things have never been better.
16:02 The streets are safe.
16:03 Old people strut confidently through the darkest alleys and the weak and nerdy are admired
16:08 for their computer programming abilities.
16:11 So like us, let your children run wild and free because,
16:16 as the old saying goes, let your children run wild and free.
16:21 Now, boy, run back to the embassy, back to American soil.
16:30 I'll stop them.
16:35 Oh, no, it's coming back this way.
16:38 That throwing stick stun of yours has boomeranged on us.
16:45 Hey, we can get away in their pouches.
16:49 Ew.
16:50 It's not like in cartoons.
16:52 Yeah, there's a lot more mucus.
16:59 Mom, you said I could have one souvenir, right?
17:02 Well, I want a didgeridoo.
17:08 That seems very noisy and expensive for a souvenir.
17:13 Why don't you get this nice cap?
17:15 It's clever, just like you.
17:19 Huh?
17:20 Come on.
17:21 Get out.
17:22 Shoot.
17:23 Shoot. Get out of here.
17:25 These bloody things are everywhere.
17:27 They're in the lift, in the lorry, in the pond wizard,
17:30 and all over the Malonga Gilderchuk. They're like kangaroos, but they're reptiles,
17:35 they is. We have them in America.
17:37 They're called bullfrogs.
17:39 What?
17:40 That's an odd name. I'd have called them Chazwazers.
17:59 The Simpsons.
18:01 Well, they're not getting back in here.
18:17 I can't believe our government would set up Bart like that.
18:20 I must say, I'm very angry at the State Department right now.
18:23 Yes, but, shh, Mrs. Simpson, please. We're about to reach a breakthrough with the Aussies.
18:27 Then it's agreed.
18:29 During the bargaining session, we each get two candy apples.
18:31 All right, one candy and one caramel. Oh, for the love of crime, honey, give me that.
18:36 I know Bart did something wrong, but he's my son, and I'm going to punish him myself.
18:41 Our countries may have their differences, but as human beings,
18:45 I think we can all agree there's no substitute for the discipline of a loving parent.
18:53 He wants to talk to you.
18:55 Yellow.
18:57 Mm-hmm.
18:57 So we're in agreement. She won't be allowed near the phone again.
19:02 We did it. We've worked out a compromise that will allow both nations to save face.
19:07 We've argued them down, too. A booty. What?
19:10 The Prime Minister just wants to kick you once.
19:13 Through the gate with a regular shoe. I believe it's a wingtip.
19:17 No deal.
19:18 This is my son we're talking about.
19:21 Sure, he's not perfect, but who is in this work-a-day world?
19:24 No, Mom, wait.
19:34 It's time for me to bend over and receive my destiny.
19:43 Thank you, Bart.
19:44 I promise I won't make fun of you later for this.
19:48 Show him what American butts are made of, son.
19:55 That's it, lad.
19:57 This is for the Commonwealth of Australia.
20:06 You're dead. And this is for the United States of America.
20:26 I'm glad you're okay, honey, but I wish you'd chosen a more tasteful way to be patriotic.
20:31 I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.
20:46 All right, mates.
20:48 Let him out in.
20:53 Hey, can we get to land in an aircraft carrier?
20:56 No, sir. The closest vessel is the USS Walter Mondale.
20:59 It's a laundry ship. They'll take you the rest of the way.
21:15 Hey, look!
21:16 Those frogs are eating all their crops!
21:24 Well,
21:25 that's what happens when you introduce foreign species into an ecosystem that can't handle
21:29 them.
21:44 We'll be right back.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Milhouse Van Houten, Adolf Hitler, Bart Junior, Fidel Castro, Poodle Lady, Andy, Antarctic Researcher 1, Antarctic Researcher 2, Australian Soldier 1, Australian Soldier 2, Australian Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Avril Ward, Bruno Drundridge, Crocodile Dundee, Evan Conover, Gus, Knifey Spooney, Presidente, Presidente's Translator, Tobias Drundridge

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character