Homie the Clown

The Simpsons, season 6, episode 15. First aired February 12, 1995. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

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From “Homie the Clown”: “I'm going to clown college!” — I'm going to clown college!

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About the episode

Deep in debt to the mob, Krusty opens a clown college, and Homer enrolls and becomes a licensed Krusty impersonator who enjoys the freebies of being mistaken for the star. It backfires when Fat Tony's gang, collecting on Krusty's debt, kidnaps Homer by mistake and Don Vittorio DiMaggio demands a stunt Homer cannot pull off, until the real Krusty arrives and the two perform it together.

Written by: John Swartzwelder
Directed by: David Silverman
Guest stars: Joe Mantegna as Fat Tony; Dick Cavett; Johnny Unitas
Chalkboard gag: Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
Couch gag: Family Couch
Production code: 2F12

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

308 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:33 THE END
0:52 When Krusty wants to, he can still blow him away.
0:55 Yes, he can take a simple everyday thing like eating a bicycle and make it funny.
0:59 See you tomorrow, kids.
1:02 But before I go, I'd just like to say...
1:15 Ah, there's nothing better than a cigarette.
1:17 Unless it's a cigarette lit with a hundred dollar bill.
1:21 Put five thousand bucks on the Lakers. Hire Kenny G to play for me in the elevator.
1:24 My house is dirty. Buy me a clean one.
1:28 Krusty, as you're accounted, I must warn you.
1:30 Did you send those thousand roses to Bea Arthur's grave?
1:32 Yes, but she's still... I don't want to hear the end of any sentences.
1:35 George Garland on three.
1:37 Yeah.
1:38 Lawsuit? Oh, come on.
1:40 My seven words you can't say on TV bit was entirely different from your seven words you
1:44 can't say on TV bit.
1:45 So I'm a thief, am I?
1:47 Well, excuse me.
1:51 Give him ten grand. Steve Martin on four.
1:54 Ten grand.
1:55 Crusty, in regards to the large wager you made on yesterday's horse race Oh,
2:00 come on, how about letting me go double or nothing on the big opera tonight?
2:04 Who do you like? The tenor
2:07 Okay, but we're only letting the bet ride because you crack us so consistently up
2:14 You've got to stop blowing your money like this, Crusty No can do
2:20 And those ridiculous bets you make Gambling is the finest thing a person can do,
2:25 if he's good at it. But you haven't won anything in months.
2:28 So I'll just make some more money. Crank out some cheesy merchandise.
2:31 But you've already merchandised everything.
2:33 Krusty's Monopoly game, the Krusty crowd control barrier.
2:37 Nothing is selling anymore. Not even your new Lady Krusty line.
2:40 But our infomercials are running 24 hours a day.
2:44 So, what do you think of the Lady Krusty mustache removal system now, Angelique?
2:48 It's Krusty-rific, Johnny Unitas. But is my upper lip supposed to bleed like this?
2:54 Probably.
2:55 At this rate, you'll be broken a month.
2:57 The only thing left to do is to open a clown college and train some regional crusties.
3:02 You mean like that bozo, Bonko the Clown?
3:04 Exactly. Forget it. I'll just cut back on the Condor egg omelets.
3:09 Mmm, a couple of those would be tasty right now.
3:11 I'll found the college tomorrow.
3:20 It must be the first of the month! New Billboard Day!
3:30 Find his keepers.
3:35 This year, give her English muffins. Whatever you say, Mr.
3:39 Billboard!
3:45 Best in the West.
3:47 That rhymes.
3:52 Clown college.
3:54 You can't eat that.
3:57 Well, I got everything I was supposed to get.
3:59 I'm not going to enroll in that clown college, though.
4:02 That advertisement had no effect on me whatsoever.
4:17 Hey, Homer! The section you're supposed to be monitoring is on fire!
4:31 Clowns are funny.
4:43 Mom, I think I'll have some wine.
4:52 What?
4:54 Yes, homie?
4:57 That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough!
5:00 I'm going to clown college!
5:04 I don't think any of us expected him to say that.
5:07 Hurry up! It's my first day of clown college!
5:10 Hold still, Homer. Don't squam!
5:13 I am holding still.
5:15 I am squirming. Dad, you can't just go around pretending to be Krusty.
5:19 It's sacrilege. He's a one and only. I mean, he invented the pie fight,
5:23 the pratfall and the seltzer bottle, as far as I know.
5:26 Yeah, Dad, it was bad enough when you tried to pass yourself off as Tom Bosley,
5:30 but Krusty... You weren't complaining when I got you this close to Chachi.
5:35 What's a Chachi?
5:40 All right.
5:41 Now, there can only be one Krusty in each territory.
5:44 So I hope this works out.
5:46 Tell me where you're from. Georgia.
5:48 Texas.
5:49 Uh, Brooklyn.
5:51 Russia.
5:52 New Hampshire.
5:53 Homer.
5:55 Okay, we'll start off with the baggy... Those are supposed to be baggy pants.
6:00 Baggy! Ooh, I've never had a pair of pants that fit this well in my life.
6:06 Okay, memorize these funny place names.
6:10 Walla Walla, Keokuk, Kookamonga, Seattle.
6:18 Stop it, you're killing me.
6:22 Seattle.
6:27 And now, everybody's favorite, the spin cycle fantastic trick.
6:33 It's a great piece of buffoonery if you pull it off, But if you blow it,
6:36 you'll look like a fool.
6:41 Steady.
6:46 Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the party's over, right?
6:50 Wrong!
6:53 Kill wealthy dowager.
7:02 Uh, burn that seat. These Krusty brand balloons are three bucks each.
7:07 Get a cheap one and what happens?
7:09 It goes off! Takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room!
7:13 What's that gonna cost ya?
7:15 Hey Bill, what did that cost us?
7:37 Wow, I'm sorry I doubted you before, Dad.
7:41 If there has to be a bastardized version of Krusty, I'm glad it's you.
7:44 Thanks, honey.
7:46 Bank shot!
7:46 Whoa!
7:47 That's a good aim, Dad. Well, it was my major.
7:51 Welcome to the noble family of skilled crustaceans.
7:55 We'll now go back to your hometowns and do kids' parties, swap meets,
8:00 and all the other piddling crap I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot clown pole.
8:05 Now, come and get your cat skins. I mean, sheep skins.
8:15 This is the happiest day of my life. Ha-ha-ya-ya!
8:19 Got it! No shock for me!
8:22 Oh, yeah?
8:23 Whoa!
8:25 Oh!
8:35 And now to help introduce our fantastic new burger, the one with ketchup,
8:41 here he is, coming in by parachute, Krusty the Clown.
9:03 To audience,
9:05 I now proclaim this new burger for sale!
9:16 And...
9:19 Oh, Lord, save me.
9:26 It's the Krusty burglar!
9:29 Oh, my God, he's stealing all the burgers!
9:32 Why, you little... I... Don't you... Don't go!
9:37 It's all just an act.
9:39 Stop!
9:42 He's already dead.
9:44 God, he's right. I got a shillick! Get him!
9:48 Ah, Krusty the Clown, everybody!
9:53 Please look at my medical alert bracelet.
10:04 Oh!
10:08 Hey, hey!
10:12 Hey! And then take that and put that in there.
10:18 There's your giraffe, little girl. I'm a boy.
10:21 Dad's a spirit.
10:22 Never give up.
10:24 Well, I guess you're pretty impressed, huh, Bart?
10:27 My dad got Krusty the Clown to personally appear at my party.
10:31 I have a feeling I could get him to appear at my house.
10:34 I don't know, Bart.
10:36 My dad's a pretty big wheel down at the cracker factory.
10:42 Do-do-do-do-do.
10:44 Ha-ha-ha.
10:46 Uh, it's not 5.30 yet.
10:52 Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
10:59 Hey, nice stretch.
11:01 Whew, I'm beat. And after work,
11:04 I gotta dedicate a new Jiffy Lube and co-host the Ace Awards.
11:07 Wow, Jiffy Lube. Boy, you're really running yourself ragged.
11:11 Oh, yeah.
11:12 When I started this clown thing, I thought it would be nothing but glory.
11:16 You know, the glory of being a clown.
11:20 I tell you, it's hard, tiring work.
11:23 But when I see the smiles on their little faces,
11:27 I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something.
11:33 So, our time's almost up here, so I'd just like to say I know Woody Allen.
11:41 And now the winner for the most promising news series on cable, Old Starsky and Hutchins.
11:49 Accepting the award is the son of the guy who played Huggy Bear.
11:58 Let's walk and talk.
11:59 I have some wonderful stories about other famous people that include me in some way.
12:02 Uh, Ken, I gotta go distract bulls at a rodeo.
12:05 Hey, me too. We can go together. Uh, no, I'm going a different way than you, Dick.
12:10 Your churlish attitude reminds me of a time I was having dinner with Groucho.
12:14 Look, you're going to be having dinner with Groucho tonight if you don't beat it.
12:20 Being a clown sucks. You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs, and admired by the elderly.
12:26 Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown.
12:29 I'm leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business.
12:34 Oh, no.
12:36 Well, well, well, velocity boy.
12:38 I'm gonna give you the biggest ticket you hey hey Krusty I'm not Krusty oh
12:44 to think I was gonna give you a ticket Krusty the clown I am NOT Krusty hey Krusty Krusty
12:49 you remember the time we got loaded and set those beavers loose in that pine furniture
12:53 store memories all right you take it easy
12:58 Krusty
13:01 hey he didn't give me a ticket this is an intriguing development
13:07 You mean I get 5% off on everything in the store just because I look like...
13:11 I mean, just because I am Krusty the Clown?
13:14 How could I charge full price to the man whose last full filthy magazines kept me in
13:18 business during that first shaky year? Oh, by the way,
13:21 it is your new issue of Gigantic Assess.
13:24 I'm telling you, Mards, this'll work. They'll think I'm Krusty and give us free stuff.
13:28 I've been getting free stuff all day. Look at this swell bucket of house paint.
13:32 Look at it. I'm not saying it won't work.
13:34 I'm just saying it's dishonest. Well, if we agree, then why are we arguing?
13:40 Hey, Krusty, hey!
13:42 Oh, beautiful date tonight, huh? And such lovely children you have now.
13:47 I'm more striking than lovely. You come with me.
13:50 Come with Luigi.
13:51 You don't want to sit with the rest of this scum.
13:56 I only consider you scum compared to Krusty.
14:02 Yeah, you see how you scum.
14:08 Let me get this straight.
14:09 You took all the money you made franchising your name and bet it against the Harlem
14:12 Globetrotters? Oh, I thought the generals were due.
14:18 He's spinning the ball on his finger.
14:21 Just take it. Take the ball.
14:26 That game was fixed.
14:27 They were using a freaking ladder, for God's sakes.
14:31 I am afraid the time has come for you to pay us.
14:34 Look, I'm cleaned out. Just take the clown college.
14:38 We have already taken it. Kids have a lot of money these days.
14:41 So after you finish your performance, you might consider robbing them.
14:45 Look, what can I tell you? You can't get blood from a turnip.
14:48 You want to kill me? Go ahead and kill me.
14:52 Oh, hey, hey, all right, okay, already.
14:54 Look, we can talk this over. No more talk.
14:57 It is time for us to take you for a ride.
15:01 Oh, no. Oh, mind if I go to the bathroom first?
15:05 I see no harm in that.
15:17 When he's done in there, I gotta go.
15:23 Okay, wherever Krusty's gone, we'll find him.
15:27 Legs, you check out the east side.
15:29 Louis, Rome and Budapest. Tell the boys I want a total world search.
15:34 Right, boss?
15:35 I want a free car because I'm Krusty.
15:38 Krusty the Clown. Get it?
15:41 Krusty!
15:44 Cancel the world search.
15:47 I want everything that's coming to Krusty the Clown, which is me, Krusty.
15:53 Hey, it's Krusty, all right.
15:56 Should I shoot him gang lion style or execution style?
15:59 Listen to your heart.
16:02 Well, I can't give you the car, Krusty,
16:04 but I can let you have this little number for practically nothing.
16:07 Only 38,000.
16:10 Hey, what are all these holes?
16:12 These are speed holes. They make the car go faster.
16:14 Oh, yeah, speed holes.
16:19 You want my advice?
16:21 I think you should buy this car.
16:24 We need more ammo. Let's go to Big Five.
16:28 Krusty? Your plastic surgery is complete.
16:31 Now, when I remove the bandages,
16:33 don't be alarmed by the total stranger staring back at you.
16:40 I look exactly the same, you moron! Oh, nonsense, Krusty.
16:44 You look at these ten years younger. Plus, I did your breasts.
16:47 Does anyone hear me complaining about the breasts?
16:49 Oh, what's the use in hiding?
16:51 I gotta go back to Springfield and fix the music.
16:54 Can you loan me bus fare?
16:56 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
17:03 Whatcha diddly doin', neighbor?
17:04 I'm puttin' speed holes in my car. Makes it go faster.
17:08 Is that so? Well, gee, maybe the old Flanders mobile could use...
17:14 Wow!
17:15 Lucky I always keep a Bible close to my heart, huh?
17:20 Oh, lucky I was wearin' an extra-large piece of the true cross today.
17:26 I think I'll go inside.
17:30 What keeps doing that?
17:32 I told you we should have bought more than three bullets.
17:34 Let's just grab him.
17:36 Hey!
17:39 But wait, you can't kill me for being Krusty.
17:42 I'm not him. I'm Homer Simpson.
17:44 The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?
17:48 Uh, actually, my name is Barney. Yeah, Barney Gumbel.
17:51 The same Barney Gumbel who keeps taking pictures of my sister?
17:54 Uh, actually, my real name is, uh... Think, Krusty, think.
17:58 Joe Valachi!
17:59 The same Joe Falazzi who squealed to the Senate Committee about organized crime?
18:03 Benedict Arnold!
18:04 The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?
18:07 Don't!
18:11 I am so glad I had a chance to meet you before we did this,
18:17 Krusty, because I am a great fan.
18:21 Don Vittorio Di Maggio.
18:23 Krusty the Clown.
18:25 Sorry I have to do this, Krusty.
18:31 I cannot do it.
18:33 To murder a funny man of such a genius would be a crime.
18:39 I'll tell you what, Krusty.
18:41 Do for me my favorite trick where you ride a little bike through the loop and I will let
18:46 you leave. But I've never been able to do the...
18:49 Hey, how about if I just squirt you in the face with my boot and ear?
18:52 Okay.
18:54 I'll never be able to do this trick. Never.
18:57 Go, go.
18:59 Oh, oh, oh! Hey! I'm doing it! I'm doing it!
19:04 I'm the greatest cloud in the world!
19:14 Ta-da!
19:16 The fact that you did not do the trick well is the biggest insult of all.
19:22 Hey guys, I came to, uh...
19:25 Oh, you got a deadly game of cat and mouse going, I'll come back.
19:29 I'm seeing double here. Four Krustys.
19:32 Krusty! Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot. You came here to save me.
19:37 Yeah, that's what I did.
19:40 My apologies to you.
19:42 I almost made a grievous error.
19:46 Goodbye, Krusty. Wait!
19:48 He can't kill anybody if he doesn't know which one's the real Krusty.
19:52 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ha, ha, ha.
19:55 I am confused.
19:58 Good one, Krusty.
20:00 Oh, crap.
20:01 Because of that disrespectful display, I shall now kill both of you.
20:08 Unless you both go through the loop. Together.
20:21 I can't see you, idiot. Take your hands off my eyes.
20:38 Uh-oh!
20:43 Hey! Not bad!
20:45 Ah, without the loop it is nothing.
21:04 Yay, crusties!
21:07 Grazie, grazie. You have brought great joy to this old Italian stereotype.
21:13 No, no, Don Vittorio, you're not... Yes, I am.
21:16 I know it. I am. Anyway, thank you, Krusty.
21:19 Oh, you're welcome.
21:21 So we're even now, huh? No, we just won't kill you.
21:25 But you still owe us the money.
21:28 Forty-eight dollars.
21:29 Here's fifty.
21:31 And to your change, and we thank you.
22:25 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Milhouse Van Houten, Ned Flanders, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Ralph Wiggum, Wendell Borton, Snowball II, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Mayor Quimby, Sideshow Mel, Kirk Van Houten, Janey Powell, Luann Van Houten, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Charlie, Raphael, Fat Tony, Louie, Legs, The Rich Texan, Luigi Risotto, Smitty, Joey, Benedict Arnold, Estonian Dwarf, Vittorio DiMaggio, Dick Cavett, Johnny Unitas, Antonio Fargas' son, Bill, Car Salesman, Plastic Surgeon, The Krusty Burglar

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character