Bart's Comet

The Simpsons, season 6, episode 14. First aired February 5, 1995. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← And Maggie Makes Three Homie the Clown → The whole episode as text

From “Bart's Comet”: “Anyway, that's why I always keep a cellular phone next to me.” — Anyway, that's why I always keep a cellular phone next to me.

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About the episode

Stuck stargazing with Principal Skinner before dawn as punishment, Bart spots a comet that turns out to be on course to destroy Springfield. After a rocket meant to stop it wipes out the town's lone bridge, residents pack into Ned Flanders' bomb shelter, then force Ned out, until a guilty Homer leads them back outside. The comet burns down to a small, harmless rock in the town's polluted air.

Written by: John Swartzwelder
Directed by: Bob Anderson
Chalkboard gag: Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does
Couch gag: Rubber Hose
Production code: 2F11

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

329 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:04 The Simpsons
0:34 Now to top off our most propane explosion-free science week ever,
0:39 our grand finale, the launching of a weather balloon.
0:42 Yay!
0:43 Go weather balloons!
0:45 Hurrah for science!
0:46 Woo!
0:47 Hurrah for science woo?
0:49 I can't say I approve of the woo, but the hurrah was quite heartening.
0:53 Release the balloon!
0:55 Yeah! Hurrah!
0:57 Woo!
0:58 Nice!
1:12 No!
1:18 I don't think I really captured the eyes.
1:20 Bart, if you have a failing, it's that you're always demanding perfection.
1:24 If you have a failing.
1:26 Whoever brings down that balloon doesn't have to learn fractions.
1:34 Careful, children. That's my car.
1:40 Destroy that balloon.
1:45 Tango 14, we're being fired at. I'm getting an exact ID on the bogey now.
1:52 Iraqis again. Launching Sidewinder missile.
1:58 Missed him?
1:59 Launching second Sidewinder missile.
2:06 This is what happens when you cut money out of the military and put it into healthcare.
2:11 It's a good program. Just give it a chance.
2:13 That's all I ask.
2:20 It won't come down for months.
2:23 Curse the man who invented helium. Curse Pierre Jules Cesar Jensen.
2:27 Now to find out who did this.
2:30 Bart, empty your pockets. Empty my pockets, you say?
2:33 Well, certainly, but I failed to see how...
2:37 Hmm.
2:38 Blueprints of the dummy.
2:40 Notarized photos of you making the dummy.
2:42 And an alternate wording for the banner, Buttzilla.
2:46 Rishi to Utah, Milhouse. Okay.
2:49 I am going to punish you for this, Bart.
2:52 And it won't just be a simple caning this time.
2:54 Because you have impeded science, you must now aid science.
3:00 Yes.
3:01 Starting tomorrow, you will assist me with my amateur astronomy.
3:04 Taking down coordinates, carrying equipment, and so forth.
3:07 4.30 in the morning. There's a 4.30 in the morning now?
3:14 Top of the hour time for the morning news.
3:16 But of course, there is no news yet. Everyone's still asleep in their comfy, comfy beds.
3:21 Good night, everybody. Oh.
3:27 Mom, will you make me breakfast?
3:30 There's a stuffed pepper in their trash from last night.
3:33 Just rinse it good.
3:36 Come home, Lassie. Here, boy. Come on, girl.
3:41 Atta, boy.
3:53 Still dark.
3:54 Better use a generator.
4:10 There's nothing more exciting than science.
4:12 You get all the fun of sitting still, being quiet, writing down numbers, paying attention.
4:18 Science has it all. Is that the telescope we're going to be looking through?
4:22 Yes, but you won't be looking through it.
4:24 I forbid it. But you don't need a telescope to enjoy Estuanomy Bart.
4:28 There are all the constellations you've heard so much about.
4:31 There's Orion, the Swan, the Chariot Race.
4:35 Why don't they look anything like their names?
4:37 Well, you do have to use your imagination.
4:39 Look, there's the Three Wise Men.
4:42 Who names these things anyway? Whoever discovers them.
4:45 I've been hoping I could find something that would be named after me.
4:48 And you've never found anything?
4:50 Once.
4:51 But by the time I got to a phone,
4:53 my discovery had already been reported by Principal Kohotek.
4:57 I got back at him, though.
4:59 Him and that little boy of his.
5:02 Anyway, that's why I always keep a cellular phone next to me.
5:05 Now,
5:05 this morning we're going to be mapping a small square of sky that's thought to be empty.
5:08 It's my hope that it's not. So what am I supposed to do exactly?
5:12 Just write down my findings as I give them to you.
5:15 Six hours, 19 minutes right ascension, 14 degrees, 22 minutes declination.
5:21 No sighting. Mm-hmm.
5:23 Six hours, 19 minutes, right ascension. 14 degrees, 23 minutes, declination.
5:29 No sighting.
5:30 Mm-hmm.
5:31 Six hours, 19 minutes, right ascension.
5:34 14 degrees, 58 minutes, declination.
5:39 No sighting.
5:40 Did you get that one, Bert? Hell no. Good.
5:43 My stars. Give me the phone. Quick!
5:48 Check out 6-19-14-59
5:59 No, no,
6:00 there's no need for that It's already named after me It's coming pretty close to the
6:05 ground Maybe I can catch it Don't touch the telescope,
6:08 Bart Even a slight change in elevation Can destroy a whole morning's work
6:19 All hands on dead. Pirates off the port bow.
6:22 Hey.
6:31 Observatory, this is Bart Simpson.
6:33 I see something in the sky at 4, 12, 8, and the last number is 7.
6:43 I got you, my rumpy doppelganger.
6:48 I've got it.
6:49 Hey, what are you doing? Give me that phone.
6:53 Congratulations, Bart. You've just discovered a comet.
6:56 No!
7:16 And then I sped away without anyone seeing my license plate.
7:20 Sounds like you had a good day today, Dad.
7:22 Yeah.
7:23 Except I forgot to go to work.
7:25 What did you do today, Bart? What didn't I do?
7:30 Boy discovers comet. What?
7:32 A young Springfieldianite has discovered a new comet to be known as the Bart Simpson
7:36 Comet. Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you.
7:40 But then, you've always been proud of me.
7:44 Yes.
7:51 Won't you join us, Bart?
7:57 Uh, I guess so.
7:58 As a first student at Springfield Elementary to discover a comet,
8:03 we're very proud to make you a member of our very select group.
8:08 Welcome to Super Friends.
8:11 Welcome, Super Friends.
8:13 I am called Ham since I enjoy ham radio.
8:17 This is email, cosign, report card,
8:22 database, and Lisa.
8:25 Your nickname will be Cosmos.
8:30 Well, I'm done eating. Goodbye.
8:31 Goodbye, Kaimos!
8:33 Bye-bye!
8:34 Perhaps some night you could show us your comet.
8:37 There it is right there.
8:38 I'm making the point never to turn my head unless I expect to see something, Bart.
8:42 Naturally, we can't see your comet in broad daylight and without a telescope.
8:47 But you don't need a stupid telescope. It's right there.
8:51 Oh, no, no, no, no! This isn't right at all!
8:55 It must be coming toward us at a fantastic speed.
8:58 Huh? Don't you realize what's happening, Bart?
9:00 Your comet is going to collide with the Earth and every living thing in its path will be
9:04 killed.
9:04 I knew you'd try to find something wrong with my comet, Lisa.
9:07 You've always been petty and small, right from the beginning.
9:11 We must alert the proper authorities.
9:13 To the observatory!
9:19 We are the Super Friends!
9:22 Hey, shut up.
9:28 Dear God!
9:30 Warren, we've talked about you hogging the eyepiece.
9:38 Sounds like the doomsday whistle ain't been blown for nigh on to three
9:43 years.
9:46 Trouble a-brewin'. Fellow citizens, when I learned about the impending crisis,
9:51 I caught the very next plane to Springfield.
9:55 Field.
9:58 First of all, yes, there is a comet in the sky, and yes, it is going to hit Springfield.
10:05 You don't need to applaud that.
10:07 Now, here's what we think the impact might look like.
10:10 Show them, Jerry.
10:17 Oh, dear God, no!
10:22 Fortunately, we have a plan, Professor Frink.
10:25 Hi, good evening, ladies. Mike Sterling!
10:28 What's the plan?
10:29 Alright, just take your seat.
10:32 Now,
10:32 working with former Carter administration officials and military men who were forced into
10:36 early retirement for various reasons, which we won't go into here, okay,
10:40 we have planned this defense for the city.
10:43 As the comet hurdles toward the city,
10:46 our rocket will intercept it and blow it to smithereens.
10:50 What?
10:51 Oh dear God, no!
10:53 And that will be the end of our Mr. Comet.
11:08 Will you all stop worrying about that stupid comet?
11:11 It's going to be destroyed. Didn't you hear what the guy in the building said?
11:15 But, Dad, don't you think... Lisa,
11:17 the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time.
11:22 Just like that rainforest scare a few years back.
11:26 Our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?
11:29 No, Dad, I don't think... There's that word again.
11:55 Homer, what if this doesn't work? Well then, I have a backup plan.
11:58 See, while the unprepared are still sitting around twiddling their thumbs and going...
12:11 Dad, the plan!
12:12 I'm getting to that!
12:14 So anyway, they're going...
12:20 Dad!
12:22 So anyway, we get in our car and take the bridge out of town.
12:26 While all the while they're still going...
12:32 Dad, they're firing the rocket!
12:37 All right!
12:53 It blew up the bridge! We're doomed!
12:56 It's times like this I wish I were a religious man.
12:59 It's all over, people!
13:02 We don't have a prayer!
13:16 And like Icarus,
13:18 the rocket foolishly soared too high and lost control of its servo-guidance mechanism,
13:23 leaving us with some six hours to live. So,
13:28 let's go live now to the charred remains of the only bridge out of town with Arnie,
13:33 Pi, and Arnie in the Sky.
13:35 With the bridge gone and the airport, unfortunately, on the other side of the bridge,
13:39 a number of citizens are attempting to jump the gorge with their cars.
13:43 It's a silent testament to the never-give-up-and-never-think-things-out spirit of our
13:48 citizens.
13:49 With our utter annihilation imminent, our federal government is snapped into action.
13:52 We go live now via satellite to the floor of the United States Congress.
13:58 Then it is unanimous.
14:00 We are going to approve the bill to evacuate the town of Springfield in the great
14:06 state of... Wait a second, I want to tack on a rider to that bill.
14:10 $30 million of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts.
14:13 All in favor of the amended Springfield slash pervert bill?
14:17 Boo!
14:20 Bill defeated. I've said it before and I'll say it again.
14:23 Democracy simply doesn't work.
14:26 Now, over the years,
14:27 a newsman learns a number of things that for one reason or another, he just cannot report.
14:32 It doesn't seem to matter now, so...
14:35 The following people are gay.
14:38 Turn it off! Just a second.
14:45 What's everyone so worked up about?
14:47 So there's a comet.
14:48 Big deal.
14:49 It'll burn up in our atmosphere and what's ever left will be no bigger than a chihuahua's
14:53 head. Wow, Dad, maybe you're right. Of course I'm right.
14:57 If I'm not, may we all be horribly crushed from above somehow.
15:03 Okay, if you're that worried about it, let's go down to the bomb shelter.
15:07 We have a bomb shelter?
15:09 Homer Simpson takes care of his family.
15:14 Blanders, open up!
15:17 Ha ha, de ho, a rooney neighbor.
15:19 What can I do you for? Get out of there.
15:20 My family needs to use your palm shelter.
15:23 Homer!
15:23 Oh, I kind of figured this might happen,
15:25 so I built the shelter big enough for both our families.
15:28 No deal. Out. Get in the shelter, Homer.
15:56 One more hour.
15:58 An hour?
15:59 I can't wait another hour. What's keeping that stupid comet?
16:04 There it is.
16:08 Well, howdly-doodly, neighbors.
16:11 Shouldn't you be in your shelterinis by now?
16:14 We haven't got shelterinis.
16:16 We want in yours.
16:18 Oh, well, sorry. The shelter's kind of full.
16:20 Really?
16:21 Oh.
16:22 Well, we'll just go off someplace and die then.
16:25 Thanks.
16:28 Wait!
16:29 You know,
16:30 I may regret this when our air runs out and we can't whistle or stay alive, but...
16:34 Oh, what the heck?
16:38 All right.
16:40 We can't get that...
16:44 I can't get the door closed.
16:46 Somebody's gonna have to get out. I'd get out, but I don't know where I am.
16:50 Hi!
16:51 Somebody's touching me! I am. Oh, okay.
16:55 Okay, okay, let's figure out who should stay.
16:58 Let's see.
16:59 The world of the future will need laughter, so I'm in.
17:03 And it'll need somebody to dispense drinks, i.e.
17:06 me.
17:07 And someone will have to run to power.
17:09 You can do that, Homer. Uh, yeah, I can do that.
17:17 Okay, let's start again.
17:19 We'll need laughter, religious enlightenment, gossip.
17:22 That's Mrs. Lovejoy. Wait a minute. We all know the one thing we won't need in the future.
17:27 Left-handed stars.
17:29 That's you, Flanders.
17:31 I'm terribly sorry.
17:33 Flanders is the only useless person here.
17:36 If anyone dies, it should be him. I'm sorry.
17:40 Please forgive me. So let's kick Flanders out.
17:44 Sorry.
17:46 Well, sir, sounds fair.
17:48 Doodle-oo, everybody. I'll scream when the comet gets here.
17:51 Oh, I'm coming with you, Nettie. No, sweetheart.
17:55 You stay here because... Okay.
17:59 I might go mad with fear out there, so, Todd,
18:01 I want you to shoot Daddy if he tries to get back in.
18:07 Okay, Dad.
18:08 Okay.
18:09 Hey, Sarah, Sarah,
18:12 whatever will be,
18:17 will be,
18:18 the future's not ours to see.
18:26 Hey, I got an idea.
18:29 We can play a game to pass the time.
18:31 I'll make the sound of a barnyard animal and you all try to guess what it is.
18:39 Ow, ow, ow.
18:41 It's a pig. It's a cow, man. It's a pony.
18:44 No, it's a goat. You know, one of them lady goats.
18:47 There are no lady goats. A lady goat is a sheep.
18:50 I believe she's right. You're crazy. Nah, what's it to you?
18:53 What's it to me? First off.
18:56 Shut up.
18:57 Stop it, stop it.
19:00 Can't you see this barnyard noise guessing game?
19:03 It's tearing us apart.
19:12 Say, Moe, was it a duck?
19:15 No!
19:20 Shut up!
19:22 Stop it!
19:23 I can't take this anymore.
19:25 I can't let that brave man out there die alone.
19:29 I'm surprised they're disgusted by all of you.
19:32 especially his children I'm going out there
19:37 and it was a baby ox he's right you know about the ox?
19:41 about everything damn it hey homo wait up I want to die too if you are going I am
19:47 going me too
19:49 I'm out of here
19:54 when I was just a little girl
19:59 I asked my Mother, what will I be?
20:05 Will I be pretty?
20:08 Will I be rich?
20:11 Here's what she said to me.
20:16 Hey, Sarah, Sarah,
20:21 whatever will be, will be.
20:26 The future's not ours to see.
20:31 It's a rock, sir. Run!
20:40 Look!
20:42 It's breaking up!
20:56 Cool.
20:58 We're safe!
20:59 Yay!
21:02 Sure makes you appreciate the preciousness of life.
21:07 Let's go burn down the observatory so this will never happen again.
21:13 I can't believe that extra thick layer of pollution that I've actually picketed against is
21:18 what burned up the comet.
21:19 What's really amazing is that this is exactly what Dad said would
21:25 happen.
21:26 Yeah, Dad was right.
21:28 I know, kids. I'm scared, too.
21:31 Oh, my God.
22:26 Shh.
22:31 We'll be right back.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Nelson Muntz, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Jasper Beardsley, Martin Prince, Patty Bouvier, Reverend Lovejoy, Selma Bouvier, Groundskeeper Willie, Santa's Little Helper, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Richard, Jimbo Jones, Todd Flanders, Maude Flanders, Snowball II, Rod Flanders, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Mayor Quimby, Sideshow Mel, Kirk Van Houten, Nina Skalka, Janey Powell, Larry Dalrymple, Luann Van Houten, Helen Lovejoy, Sam, Adrian Belew, Professor Frink, Bernice Hibbert, Becky Shorter, Dolph Starbeam, Horatio McCallister, Sophie Jensen, Girl with glasses, Ruth Powers, Jaffee Ziswhisky, Buck-toothed boy, Dr. Nick, Dewey Largo, Lionel Hutz, Buck-toothed girl, Lewis' lookalike, Boy with shades, Black Weasel, Yellow Weasel, Wanda, Smug Girl, White-Haired Girl, Kyle Williams, Arnie Pye, Jacques, J. Loren Pryor, Tanya, Ralph, The District Attorney, Donna, Ham, Boy with freckles, E-mail, Report Card, Taquito, Cosine Tangent, Army Pilot 1, Army Pilot 2, Army Pilot 3, Astronomer, Billwriter, Warren

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character