The Springfield Connection

The Simpsons, season 6, episode 23. First aired May 7, 1995. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← 'Round Springfield Lemon of Troy → The whole episode as text

From “The Springfield Connection”: “All right, get in there. You're going down.” — All right, get in there. You're going down.

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About the episode

After chasing down Snake, who cons Homer at three-card monte, Marge craves more excitement and joins the Springfield Police Department. Her strict enforcement strains things at home, and when she finds Herman running a counterfeit jeans operation in the Simpsons' garage with Homer's cooperation, she busts it. Watching her fellow officers help themselves to the evidence, she quits the force.

Written by: Jonathan Collier
Directed by: Mark Kirkland
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel; Phil Hartman as Lionel Hutz
Chalkboard gag: I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface
Couch gag: James Bond
Production code: 2F21

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

346 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:02 Simpsons
0:40 Aren't you glad we got out of the house and came downtown for a little culture?
0:44 Tch, they're butchering the classics.
0:47 Could that bassoon have come in any more late?
0:50 Oh, come on, Homer, there's lasers.
0:52 You like lasers?
0:54 Laser effect mirrored falls.
0:56 John Williams must be rolling around in his grave.
1:02 Ha ha ha!
1:04 That's religiously satirical.
1:05 I wonder if anyone else got that. We're out of here.
1:11 Whoa, careful now. These are dangerous streets for us upper-lower middle-class types.
1:16 So avoid eye contact, watch your pocketbook, and suspect everyone.
1:21 Three card Monty! Woohoo! Easy money! Homer, these games are fixed!
1:26 Then how come that guy's winning? Whoa, I like totally won again.
1:30 Way to go, bro.
1:32 He looks and acts just like the dealer.
1:35 I think they're related.
1:36 Or at least in cahoots.
1:38 Just pick the red card.
1:39 It's totally not hard.
1:44 20 on this one, my good man.
1:47 Sorry, dude.
1:48 Black.
1:52 Homer, he cheated you.
1:56 Surely you don't blame me.
1:58 It's people like you who are ruining our downtown promenades and piazzas.
2:03 How dare you prey on the greedy and stupid like this?
2:07 Somebody stop him.
2:10 He's getting away.
2:12 Come on, come on.
2:14 No, march.
2:43 Oh, I must warn you.
2:48 Sometimes ordinary people get a surge of adrenaline.
2:58 See?
2:59 Cuff him, boys. We're putting this dirt bag away.
3:02 I'll be back on the street in 24 hours.
3:06 We'll try to make it 12.
3:13 Marge, are you okay?
3:15 I think I'm okay.
3:16 It was scary, but in a weird way, it was also kind of exhilarating.
3:20 Yes, it is exhilarating to see the police get their man and save a hysterical woman.
3:25 Oh, for crying out loud.
3:28 Easy now, sweetheart.
3:29 Homie's here.
3:32 Hey, Mom, is this how you caught him?
3:36 Face it, Lisa, you're too puny to...
3:41 Lisa, unhand your brother.
3:45 Yeah, like that really hurt.
3:48 Mom, was catching that guy the most incredibly exciting thing you've ever done?
3:52 Well, it was pretty exciting.
3:54 But celery soup's pretty exciting, too.
4:10 Strange.
4:11 Regular ham doesn't thrill me anymore. Hmph.
4:15 I'm crashing over to Deviled Hands.
4:24 Whoa!
4:41 Marge!
4:43 Hey, Mrs. Simpson, I just got the new issue of sponge and vacuum.
4:46 Thanks, Benavinstanciano.
4:52 Oh, death sports.
4:58 Hmm.
5:06 All right, get in there. You're going down.
5:09 I want a piece of him. You think you're pretty hot, huh?
5:13 Well, we got everything we need on you.
5:17 Excuse me.
5:18 What, what, what, what, what, what, what?
5:20 This better be about pizza.
5:22 Actually, I'm interested in becoming a police officer.
5:41 Welcome aboard.
5:42 You did what?
5:44 I borrowed your nail clipper. What's the big deal?
5:47 Nothing. I'm just a little edgy since your mother told me she wants to be a cop.
5:50 Cool.
5:51 Will you bring me along when you do evictions?
5:53 You got it, little buddy. Marge, you being a cop makes you the man,
5:57 which makes me the woman.
5:59 And I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which,
6:03 as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
6:06 Homer, there's no reason for you to feel threatened.
6:09 You'll always be the man of this house.
6:12 Aw, thanks, honey.
6:15 All right, you scrawny beanpoles.
6:18 Becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight.
6:21 Right.
6:21 It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.
6:25 Forget about the badge! When do we get the freaking guns?
6:28 Hey, I told you, you don't get your gun until you tell me your name.
6:32 I've had it up to here with you, rivals!
6:51 Women always have trouble with the wall.
6:53 Can't ever seem to find the door.
7:14 You missed the baby? You missed the blind man?
7:32 Oh, sorry, Simpson. You'll have to do the course again.
7:34 I was trying to get this magic eye thing to work.
7:38 Ah, look at that!
7:39 A pony.
7:44 Hey, everybody!
7:46 Mom's home?
7:51 They didn't have my size shirt, but you get the idea.
7:58 Wow, Mom, I never pictured you as any kind of authority figure before.
8:02 Marge, I want you to take care of yourself out there.
8:05 You've become very dear to me.
8:08 Oh, homie, of course I will.
8:10 Mom, if someone shot at the mayor,
8:11 would you have to throw yourself in front of him and take the bullet?
8:14 I suppose I would. What if they shot at a cook machine?
8:17 No.
8:17 TV?
8:18 No.
8:18 TV with a picture of the mayor on it? Whatever you do, Mom, we'll be proud of you.
8:22 Well, thank you, honey.
8:24 As long as it's constitutional.
8:28 Homer, give me my pepper spray.
8:30 Oh, Marge, one squirt and you're south of the border.
8:37 Incapacitating.
8:43 All right, settle, people. People, settle, people.
8:47 Wood and Vans Islands take out donut land when they fry up a fresh batch, call it in.
8:52 Cornelia and Earhart, back them up.
8:53 Fitz and Garcia, it's your turn to sleep in.
8:58 And Simpson, seeing how this is your first day,
9:02 you're inexperienced and vulnerable, your beat is Junkieville and Bumtown.
9:13 Hello, Mr. Hutch.
9:14 I'll have you know the contents of that dumpster are private.
9:17 You stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney dumpster confidentiality.
9:21 I just wanted to say hello.
9:23 Oh.
9:25 Hello.
9:36 You are the new cop on the beat.
9:39 Okay, I know the drill.
9:41 What will it be? 100?
9:42 200?
9:44 No, no, I mean nothing.
9:46 I don't take bribes. Yes, of course you don't.
9:48 I will just leave this money on the table with my unseeing back to the money on the table.
9:55 A poo now.
10:01 Let's get up.
10:08 I got a report on a domestic disturbance at this address.
10:12 Yes, indeed there is.
10:14 There's an inflatable bath pillow that Mother and I both enjoy.
10:17 She claimed it was her day to use it. I maintain she was mistaken.
10:21 We quarreled.
10:22 Later, as I prepared to bathe, I noticed, to my horror,
10:26 that someone had slashed the pillow.
10:29 Mm-hmm.
10:30 Who called the police? We both did.
10:32 Look, why don't you two settle down? I'm sure you can get another pillow.
10:36 Well, I could send it back to Taiwan for repair, but why should I have to?
10:40 I've done nothing wrong. And I don't give permission for my face to be on TV.
10:44 I want it blurred
10:47 So mom what are you gonna do with your day off?
10:49 I just want to relax and forget that I'm part of that thin blue line which stands between
10:55 civilization and chaos
10:59 Bart it's illegal for you to operate that class 9 vehicle without pads and helmet mom.
11:05 It's for your own safety
11:09 Take that, safety boy!
11:11 This padding's so easy on the knuckles, I could punch all day!
11:18 I just hope they have Us magazine in heaven.
11:21 He said it was his day to use the dub pillow.
11:24 I can't go to the library anymore, everybody stinks.
11:30 Don't stop talking on account of me. I may be a cop, but I'm still your friend.
11:37 So how are you, Mrs. Krabappel? Law-abiding.
11:40 I'm done.
11:44 Moe, I've never seen you here before.
11:47 Well, these days my roots don't stay so chestnut on their own, Officer Simpson.
11:53 You don't have to call me officer. I'm not on duty here.
11:56 Finished.
11:59 Oh.
12:02 Looks nice. It's a good length for you.
12:11 Mom's police tape isn't a toy, Dad.
12:14 Shush, dear. You'll wreck Daddy's fun.
12:18 Bringing in the sheaves. Bringing in the...
12:21 Oh, my lord.
12:23 Something horrible has happened.
12:28 Fulgia Flanders made you think your family was dead.
12:36 Did you get it?
12:39 They're not dope.
12:42 But you thought they were.
12:43 That's why it was so funny.
12:46 But they're not.
12:48 That's a good one. And that's the drunk tank.
12:51 And this is Mommy's desk.
12:53 Mom, I know your intentions are good,
12:55 but aren't the police a protective force that maintains the status quo for the wealthy
12:58 elites?
12:59 Don't you think we ought to attack the roots of social problems instead of jamming people
13:03 into overcrowded prisons?
13:05 Look, Lisa.
13:07 It's McGriff, the crime dog.
13:09 Hello, Lisa.
13:10 Help me buy crime.
13:12 Ruff, ruff.
13:15 Hey, great news, guys. I picked up a nudie deck for our game.
13:20 The girls of the Internet.
13:22 Ooh, I go online with them any day.
13:27 Oh, hey, hey, we've offended Herman. Oh, I'm just going out for some fresh air.
13:32 That guy sure likes his fresh air.
13:35 None of that for me.
13:37 Oh, yeah.
13:39 Yeah, yeah.
13:41 Hey, Homer,
13:42 you sure it's okay to smoke Cuba cigars and gamble here now that your wife's a cop?
13:46 Are you kidding?
13:47 Being a cop husband is one mighty sweet deal.
13:50 This police radio entertains me with other people's miseries,
13:53 we get a free funeral for March, God forbid,
13:55 and I can run background checks on whomever I want.
14:00 Momar.
14:01 Oh, please, please.
14:02 It's nay on the Omar, may.
14:06 Hey, hurry it up with the cards, Lenny. I've got you clocked at two miles per hour.
14:09 Come on, put that away and those radar guns give you cancer.
14:12 All the more reason to hurry up.
14:14 Hey, what could be going a hundred miles per...
14:16 Oh!
14:19 Illegal gambling in my house?
14:22 Your house, your house? Gee, it's so glamorously decorated, I thought I was in Vegas.
14:28 Hey, you guys lied to me. They said it was Vegas.
14:31 No, we'll be going. We'll just be going.
14:34 Marge, you chased away all my poker buddies.
14:37 I didn't mean to.
14:39 Oh, you become such a cop.
14:41 And not that long ago, you were so much more to me.
14:43 You were a cleaner of pots, a sewer of buttons, an unplugger of hairy clogs.
14:48 I'm still all those things.
14:50 Only now I'm cleaning up the city, sewing together the social fabric,
14:54 and unplugging the clogs of our legal system.
14:57 You're cooking what for dinner?
15:01 Everywhere I look, someone is breaking the law.
15:05 Dog, no leash.
15:07 Man, littering.
15:09 Horse, not wearing diaper.
15:12 Car parked across three handicapped spaces.
15:16 Homer!
15:17 Hey, Marge, how's my little piglet? Homer.
15:20 I'm on duty.
15:22 That's okay. I'm supposed to be working, too.
15:24 You have to move your car.
15:26 I'll just be a second, Marge. I'm going to get some beer for those kids over there.
15:31 I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear that, but you have to move your car now.
15:36 I'll be right back. Now keep your eyes peeled for a real cop.
15:40 That's it. I'm going to write you a ticket.
15:42 Come on, we're family. You're breaking the law.
15:45 I'll make you a deal.
15:46 You rip up that ticket, and I'll give you back your hat.
15:55 Homer!
15:56 Taking an officer's cap is an arrestable offense!
15:59 Oh, what are you gonna do about it? What are you gonna do?
16:02 Oh, I'm Officer Marge. I'm gonna arrest you!
16:06 Hey, whoa, what?
16:08 Marge, not here.
16:09 Hey, you're not really arresting me. You have the right to remain silent.
16:14 I choose to waive that right.
16:24 All right, Simpson.
16:26 You're free to go.
16:27 Let me just finish this last lobster tail and raspberry tort.
16:32 All right, hens.
16:34 Time to go.
16:35 But he ate my last meal.
16:37 Well, if that's the worst thing that happens to you today, consider yourself lucky.
16:41 Are you really allowed to execute people in a local jail?
16:45 From this point on, no talking.
16:51 I'm sorry I had to arrest you, Homer.
16:53 But what I did was right.
16:55 Someday when you really need it,
16:56 you'll be happy there are dedicated cops like me out there.
16:59 I have nothing more to say to you, Marge.
17:01 I'm drawing a line down the center of the house a la Isle of Lucy.
17:05 You stay on your side and I'll stay on my side.
17:10 Don't!
17:11 Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the police academy,
17:14 I thought it'd be fun and exciting, you know, like that movie, Spaceballs.
17:18 But instead, it's been painful and disturbing like that movie, Police Academy.
17:22 Hi, Homer. I'm worried about the beer supply.
17:25 After this case and the other case, there's only one case left.
17:29 Yeah, yeah.
17:31 Barney's right. Yeah, let's get some more beer.
17:33 Yeah.
17:34 Hi, what about some beer? Yeah, Barney's right.
17:36 All right, guys. Pipe down.
17:38 I got some more in the garage.
17:40 I'll get it for you, Homer.
17:43 Hmm, I wonder why he's so eager to go to the garage.
17:47 The garage?
17:48 Hey, fellas, the garage.
17:49 Well, ooh-la-dee-da, Mr.
17:52 Frenchman. Well, what do you call it? A car hole.
18:00 You're late, Herman. Surely you don't mind waiting for merchandise of this quality, Mr.
18:04 Jericho?
18:05 Huh, looks like good stuff, but of course, I'll have to sample it first.
18:10 Well, these are fabulous Yeah,
18:14 who would suspect that they're counterfeit jeans
18:17 And what better place to make the buy than in a cop's garage where no one would suspect a
18:22 thing
18:30 Herman,
18:31 I had to come out here to see what's so funny A counterfeit jeans ring operating out of my
18:35 car hole I'm gonna tell everyone, wait here Not so fast
18:44 Maybe you should just stop entirely
18:47 Herman, how could you?
18:49 We've all thought about counterfeiting jeans at one time or another But what about the
18:53 victims?
18:54 Hard-working designers like Calvin Klein, Gloria Vanderbilt,
18:57 or Antoine Bugleboy These are the people who saw an overcrowded marketplace and said,
19:03 me too Advance on them men I don't think that's a very good idea.
19:09 Oh, no.
19:10 It's Gloria Vanderbilt. Out for revenge.
19:13 No.
19:13 It's Officer Simpson of the police.
19:22 Herman, your beef is with me.
19:25 Leave the girl out of this. Okay.
19:27 Homer!
19:28 It's too late for me, Marge. Sell the jeans and live like a queen.
19:35 Is Bert home?
19:37 Just taking Maggie first, girl.
19:43 I guess I am putting up the Halloween decorations a little early.
19:47 Criticism accepted.
19:50 Merch!
19:53 Buster, Mom!
19:55 Go back to bed. Don't make me come up there.
20:03 Looks like your wife is embarking up the wrong tree.
20:12 Freeze!
20:13 Every mother knows the secret entrance to her son's treehouse.
20:16 Oh, Marge, you saved my life. I'm sorry I teased you.
20:22 You're a really good cop.
20:24 I'm proud of you.
20:27 So long, gotta catch the 501.
20:29 He's getting away!
20:30 You blew it, Marge! I don't think so.
20:34 I'll fall by my own shoddy merchandise.
20:37 That's my ambulance. I called for it four hours ago.
20:40 Where?
20:41 How did you know? That the pants would rip?
20:43 No. What I was wondering is...
20:44 Years of buying pants for two active children and a full-seated husband has given me a six
20:48 cents for shoddy stitching, which these jeans have in spades.
20:52 That's some nice work, Simpson, but we can't hold them.
20:54 There's no evidence.
20:55 Yes, there is. There's a garage full of counterfeit jeans.
20:58 Uh, they've mysteriously disappeared.
21:01 Looking good, boys.
21:03 That's it. There's too much corruption on this force.
21:07 I quit.
21:20 Sorry to lose you, Simpson.
21:24 I don't think they're coming back. Well, that does it.
21:27 That does it. I'm looking at his cards.
21:29 Ah, crap, I fold.
22:23 I'm going to hear you say. Shh.
22:28 We'll be right back.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Reverend Lovejoy, Santa's Little Helper, Lou, Jimbo Jones, Eddie, Maude Flanders, Snowball II, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Hans Moleman, Luann Van Houten, Helen Lovejoy, Professor Frink, Bernice Hibbert, Agnes Skinner, Dolph Starbeam, Snake, Itchy, Lionel Hutz, Herman Hermann, Anoop Nahasapeemapetilon, Larry Kidkill, "Freakin' Guns" Guy, "Old Tut" Simpson, Benevenstanciano, Dog-Walking Man, Earhart, Fitz, Garcia, Glass Eater, Horse, Jericho, Keneally, Leashless Dog, Littering Man, McGriff the Crime Dog, Russ Cargill, Snake's Relative, Tom Hanks, Van Zuylen, Ward

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character