Bart Sells His Soul

The Simpsons, season 7, episode 4. First aired October 8, 1995. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily Lisa the Vegetarian → The whole episode as text

From “Bart Sells His Soul”: “Hey, put a coaster under that.” — Hey, put a coaster under that.

Caption it, or make a GIF

About the episode

After Milhouse snitches on him for swapping the church hymn for a rock epic, Bart insists souls are a myth and sells his, written on a slip of paper, to Milhouse for $5. When Santa's Little Helper shuns him, automatic doors ignore him and cartoons stop being funny, Bart scrambles to get it back, but it has passed to Comic Book Guy, and Lisa returns it after buying it herself.

Written by: Greg Daniels
Directed by: Wes Archer
Chalkboard gag: I am not a lean, mean, spitting machine
Couch gag: Go-Karts
Production code: 3F02

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

335 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:35 Hymns here. I got hymns here. Get them rather holy, fresh from God's brain to your mouth.
0:42 And now, please rise for our opening hymn.
0:46 Uh, In the Garden of Eden by Iron Butterfly.
1:00 In the Garden of Eden, honey,
1:03 don't you know that I love you?
1:07 In the Garden of Eden, baby,
1:11 don't you know that I'll always be true?
1:19 Hey, Marge, remember when we used to make out to the sim?
1:32 Oh, won't you come with me in it?
1:36 And take my hand
1:40 Wait a minute,
1:41 this sounds like rock and or roll I know
1:57 one of you is responsible for this So repeat after me.
2:00 If I withhold the truth,
2:01 may I go straight to hell where I will eat not but burning hot coals and drink not but
2:06 burning hot cola. Where fiery demons will punch me in the back.
2:10 Where my soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and
2:14 single mothers. Where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds.
2:19 Bart did it! That part right there!
2:23 Milhouse!
2:24 Milhouse, you did the right thing.
2:26 Bart, come with me for punishment.
2:28 You too, Snitchy.
2:29 I want you to clean every one of these organ pipes that you have befouled with your
2:34 popular music.
2:44 You, Shank!
2:45 How could you tell on me? Well, I don't want hungry birds packing my soul forever.
2:50 Soul?
2:51 Come on, Milhouse. There's no such thing as a soul.
2:54 It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
2:58 But every religion says there's a soul, Bart.
3:01 Why would they lie? What would they have to gain?
3:05 I don't hear scrubbing.
3:07 Well, if your soul is real, where is it?
3:10 It's kind of in here. And when you sneeze, that's your soul trying to escape.
3:15 Saying God bless you crams it back in. And when you die, it squirms out and flies away.
3:20 Uh-huh.
3:21 What if you die in a submarine at the bottom of the ocean?
3:24 Oh, it can swim.
3:25 It's even got wheels in case you die in the desert and it has to drive to the cemetery How
3:31 can someone with glasses that thick be so stupid?
3:33 Listen, you don't have a soul, I don't have a soul, there's no such thing as a soul
3:38 Fine, if you're so sure about that, why don't you sell your soul to me?
3:44 How much you got? Five bucks Deal
3:49 There you go, one soul
3:54 Pleasure doing business with you. Anytime, chum.
4:01 Alright, where would you kids like to eat tonight?
4:03 The spaghetti laboratory.
4:05 These stuffers.
4:07 Professor Vijay Cornucopia's Fantastic Foodmogorium and Great American Steakery.
4:11 Well, what about this place?
4:13 Moe's.
4:17 Natural life! Get it off me! Get it off me!
4:20 Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was a family restaurant.
4:23 Oh, it is. It is.
4:25 Just, uh, pull them stools up to the pool table.
4:28 Daddy, this place smells like tinkle. Mm-hmm.
4:32 I think we'll just go to the Texas Cheesecake Depository.
4:35 Everybody is going to family restaurants these days.
4:38 Seems nobody wants to hang out in a dank pit no more.
4:41 You ain't thinking of getting rid of the dank, are you, Moe?
4:43 Ah, maybe I am. Oh, but Moe, the dank. The dank.
4:47 Yeah, family restaurants. That's where the big bucks are.
4:52 I could turn this joint into a place where you wouldn't be ashamed to bring your family,
4:56 huh?
4:57 I'm not ashamed.
5:00 Hey, put a coaster under that.
5:10 Oh, Lisa, there's a little present for you lying in the driveway.
5:15 Oh, boy, really?
5:26 It's dripping funny smelling water all over me!
5:38 I wasted five bucks on these. Where'd you get five bucks?
5:42 I want five bucks. I sold my soul to Millhouse.
5:45 What?
5:46 How could you do that?
5:48 Your soul is the most valuable part of you You believe in that junk?
5:52 Well, whether or not the soul is physically real,
5:54 Bart It's the symbol of everything fine inside us
5:59 Poor gullible Lisa I'll keep my crappy sponges, thanks Bart,
6:03 your soul is the only part of you that lasts forever For five dollars,
6:07 Milhouse could own you for a zillion years Well,
6:10 if you think he got such a good deal I'll sell you my conscience for $4.50 I'll throw in
6:14 my sense of decency, too.
6:15 It's a Bart sales event. Everything about me must go!
6:20 Hey, boy, how you doing?
6:22 Man, what's gotten into you?
6:26 Jeez, you're pretty uppity for someone who eats bugs all day.
6:34 Stupid automatic door.
6:39 Thank you, door!
6:46 Ha!
6:47 Some ice cream guy's gonna see that and it'll blow his mind!
6:51 Let me try.
6:55 Way to breathe.
6:57 No breath.
7:01 This is getting weird.
7:03 Sanjay to the entrance with the Windex.
7:13 So come on, I need a name that says friendly all-American cooking.
7:17 How about Chairman Moe's Magic Walk? I like it!
7:22 Nah, I want something that says people can have a nice relaxing time.
7:25 I got it!
7:26 Madman Moe's Pressure Cooker!
7:28 I like it!
7:30 Hey, how about Uncle Moe's Family Feed Bag?
7:33 I hate it!
7:36 Oh boy, the deep fry is here.
7:39 I got it used from the Navy. You could flash fry a buffalo in 40 seconds.
7:44 40 seconds?
7:45 But I want to know!
8:38 I know that's funny, but I'm just not laughing.
8:43 Pablo Neruda said laughter is the language of the soul.
8:46 I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.
8:49 I think we should do a test.
9:02 Well?
9:05 Nope, I don't feel a thing.
9:07 That's creepy, Bart. I think you really did lose your soul.
9:10 Good boy. Ow!
9:12 Ow!
9:13 Who's doing that? Hmm?
9:15 Nothing.
9:17 Ow! Help me! Ow! Why isn't anybody... Ow!
9:21 Help it!
9:24 Hi. Is Milhouse home? He's playing in the dirt with his army men.
9:28 Oh, and a white piece of paper, I believe.
9:33 Cover me, Sarge. I'm going after Bart Sol.
9:35 Ah!
9:36 Ah! If the Ayatollah can't have it, no one can.
9:43 Uh, you know, Milhouse.
9:45 Yes?
9:46 You're getting tired of that soul, huh?
9:48 No.
9:49 Suppose someone wanted to buy it from you.
9:52 Oh, you want to buy a back part?
9:55 Sure, no problem.
9:57 Fifty bucks.
9:58 What? Who's stupid now, huh?
10:10 If you like good food, good fun, and a whole lot of crazy crap on the walls,
10:14 then come on down to Uncle Mo's Family Feed Bag.
10:17 At Mo's, we serve good old-fashioned home cooking, deep-fried to perfection.
10:26 Now that's Mo like it.
10:28 So bring the whole family, mom, dad, kids, and no old people.
10:33 They're not covered by our insurance. It's fun.
10:34 And remember our guarantee. If I'm not smiling when your check comes,
10:39 your meal's on me, Uncle Mo.
10:41 Come to Uncle Mo's for family fun. It's good, good, good, good.
10:46 Good, good, good.
10:48 Mmm, sounds good.
10:56 Bart, what's wrong?
10:57 There's something a little off about your hug.
10:59 Mom, I need to tell you something.
11:02 I kind of... Let me guess. A mother can always tell.
11:06 Hmm.
11:09 It's not fear of nuclear war.
11:12 It's not swim test anxiety.
11:15 It almost feels like you're missing something.
11:18 Something important.
11:20 Like I don't have a soul?
11:22 Aw, honey, you're not a monster.
11:32 My soul's my best friend. My soul's like a toy that never breaks.
11:41 Master Blaze!
11:43 First soul to soul, match us well. Now he's going straight to Hello, Operator.
11:49 Give me number nine.
11:50 And if it's a... No soul, huh?
11:53 Don't worry, I'm still behind you.
11:56 Ah!
11:57 Ahoy there, friends.
11:59 Everybody find a first mate.
12:01 Oh, I choose Martin.
12:22 Wait! Wait for me!
12:25 Bart, it's time to end this dream And don't forget the standard scream
12:38 An alligator with sunglasses?
12:41 Now I've seen everything.
12:43 Hiya, folks. Welcome to Uncle Moe's.
12:45 Aw, look at all the cute little miners.
12:48 Whoa, that's Moe. The guy from the ad.
12:51 Right this way, Hummer.
12:52 And he knows my name.
12:56 Street signs? In doors?
12:59 Whatever.
13:00 Now, Rod, you order anything you want for your big tan-o.
13:03 Million dollar birthday fries! Uh-oh!
13:07 Mo gets so excited when you order his million dollar birthday fries,
13:11 he just has to celebrate.
13:13 Here you go! Here I am! Uncle Mo! Thank you, ma'am!
13:16 This'll be a treat! Uncle Mo! Here I am!
13:19 While you eat!
13:24 Please take the fries off my head, kid. The basket is extremely hot.
13:28 How are the Southwestern pizza fingers? They're, um, awesomely outrageous.
13:34 Oh, these look good. Guilt-free steak fish fillets.
13:37 Nah, nah, let me level with you, Marge.
13:39 That's just our name for bottom-feeding suction eel.
13:41 You don't want that. Why don't you try Moe's Hobo Chicken Chili?
13:46 I start with the best part, the neck. And then I add secret hobo spices.
13:51 Ooh, très bien.
13:53 Yeah.
13:55 Hey, what the hell are you doing, you little freak?
14:01 Sorry, kid, sorry. I'm not used to the laughter of children.
14:03 It cuts through me like a dentist drill.
14:05 But no, no, that was funny. That was funny, taking away my dignity like that.
14:10 I would like to say grace.
14:13 Lord have mercy on my soul, and Mom's soul, and Dad's soul,
14:19 and Maggie's soul, and let every soul increase in the...
14:23 Bart!
14:24 I can't take this anymore. I want my soul, and I want it now!
14:28 Bert, you didn't finish your spaghetti and moe balls.
14:31 Silence, you fool.
14:32 It can be hard.
14:35 Run, boy!
14:36 Run!
14:38 Run for your life!
14:41 Boy!
14:45 Millhouse, Millhouse, you win. I want this nightmare to end.
14:54 Leave this place. You are in great.
15:01 The what you called bill house is gone
15:05 He went to his grandma's place while we're spraying for potato bugs
15:11 When millhouse left did you notice if he was carrying a piece of paper?
15:14 Oh, yeah, you don't forget a thing like that
15:23 Here you go, here I am, Uncle Mo!
15:26 Thank you, ma'am, this'll be a treat.
15:27 Uncle Mo, here I am, I'll get you. Yay!
15:30 Now do it for Terry.
15:32 What, it's your birthday too?
15:33 We're twins.
15:35 Here you go, here I am, eat your fries, eat them.
15:39 Here's you.
15:41 Aw, jeez, and you got the stink lines and everything.
15:47 Oh, dude, you did not smile. We eat for free.
15:51 Come on, Shoshana, let's roll.
15:53 But I sang you to potato stuffings. Come on, I sang you to potato stuffings.
15:58 Look at the vein on that guy's forehead.
16:00 He's gonna blow.
16:03 Uncle Moe?
16:06 What is it, sweetheart?
16:08 My sony is too cold. My teeth hurt.
16:11 Oh, your teeth hurt, huh? Your teeth hurt?
16:14 Well, that's too freakin' bad! You hear me?
16:16 I'll tell you where you can put your freakin' sody, too!
16:18 Oh, my goodness!
16:21 Ow, my freakin' ears!
16:23 Oh, let's go, dear.
16:25 Well, I expect that type of language at Denny's, but not here!
16:29 Oh, come on, folks, wait! Please, come back!
16:31 Please, I got a new offer! Whenever Uncle Mo threatens you, you get a free steak, fish!
16:41 Okay, okay.
16:42 Milhouse's grandmother lives on 257th Street, and I'm on 3rd.
16:48 Well,
16:55 finally, a little luck.
17:12 I know it. You and your wife. It'll be fine, are you?
17:15 Son, you wait here while Daddy tries to talk some sense into this raven derilish.
17:19 I like to say that he's saying so much to the times he's...
17:20 What the hell, you want me to talk? Oh, yes, I want you to tell him.
17:24 Slow down, slow down. Yeah, get out of there.
17:26 Every speech clock stole every idea I ever had.
17:28 He came into my room.
17:29 Who's been stealing your thoughts? And they put everything...
17:31 Did you ever read their old curiosity shop?
17:34 They made that with her, John Gildegard.
17:36 I have power. Hello, Ralph.
17:39 Hi, Bart.
17:41 I know you from school.
17:43 Yes.
17:44 A simple proposition, Ralph.
17:46 How would you like to make a dollar?
17:49 I don't know.
17:50 All you have to do is sign a paper that says I can have your soul.
17:53 I need a soul, Ralph.
17:55 Any soul.
17:56 Yours.
18:01 Hey, what's going on over there?
18:09 Gotta take it all. Get it all out of here.
18:11 You know, Mo, you might want to keep the fire extinguishers.
18:14 Nah, too many bad memories.
18:16 Well, look at the bright side, Mo. You still got us.
18:19 Yeah.
18:20 Yeah, you know, that actually makes me feel a little better.
18:23 Why? That was a problem in the first place.
18:25 You were going broke because we were your only customers.
18:28 Wasn't that the problem in the first place?
18:30 That you were going broke?
18:32 Mo?
18:34 Hey, Mo!
18:36 Oh, you're thinking about all the money you blew, aren't you?
18:39 What was it?
18:40 Fifty? Sixty thousand dollars?
18:42 Mo?
18:43 Look, maybe it would help if you went over all the mistakes you made from the beginning.
18:47 Mo? What? Let me get a pad.
18:56 Caller, at this hour?
18:57 You dial 9-1, then when I say so, Dile one again.
19:04 Milhouse, please.
19:05 Bart, I can't play now. It's 2 a.m. Milhouse, I gotta have my soul back.
19:11 I'll do anything you want.
19:12 Uh, well... Uh, Milhouse, give him back his soul.
19:16 I've got work tomorrow.
19:17 I'm really sorry.
19:19 I kinda traded your soul to the guy at the comic book store.
19:22 But look, I got some cool pogs.
19:25 Elf pogs.
19:26 Remember elf?
19:28 He's back. In pog form. You traded my soul for Pogs?
19:32 No!
19:35 Close that door! You're letting the heat out!
19:38 Shut up, shut up, shut up!
19:45 If you're waiting for the high and lowest signing,
19:48 it has been moved to the Springfield Coliseum.
19:50 Please, you have something of mine on a little piece of paper.
19:53 Oh, so you're Bart Simpson, eh?
19:56 Well, since my breakfast burrito is congealing rapidly, I will be blunt.
19:59 You're too late. I sold your soul last night.
20:02 Yes, yes.
20:03 I found a buyer right away for that item.
20:07 Cool.
20:08 I am not at liberty to divulge the party,
20:09 but they were most interested in having possession of little boy's soul.
20:15 Excuse me, no banging your head on the display case, please.
20:18 It contains a very rare Mary Worth, in which she has advised a friend to commit suicide.
20:23 Thank you.
20:33 Are you there, God?
20:36 It's me, Bart Simpson.
20:38 I know I never paid too much attention in church,
20:41 but I could really use some of that good stuff now.
20:44 I'm afraid.
20:46 I'm afraid some weirdo's got my soul and I don't know what they're doing to it.
20:51 I just want it back.
20:55 Please?
20:58 I hope you can hear this
21:07 Lisa, you bought this?
21:09 With the change in my piggy bank There's no change in your piggy bank Not in any of the
21:14 ones you know about Oh, Lisa, thank you
21:18 Happy to do it But you know,
21:20 Bart Some philosophers believe that nobody is born with a soul that you have to earn one
21:25 through suffering and thought and prayer, like you did last night.
21:29 Uh-huh.
21:39 It's like punching on the tills.
21:41 Stroke, stroke.
22:37 Shh.
22:42 We'll be right back.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Nelson Muntz, Kent Brockman, Jasper Beardsley, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Patty Bouvier, Reverend Lovejoy, Selma Bouvier, Groundskeeper Willie, Santa's Little Helper, Lou, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Richard, Jimbo Jones, Miss Hoover, Todd Flanders, Maude Flanders, Snowball II, Rod Flanders, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Kirk Van Houten, Nina Skalka, Larry Dalrymple, Hans Moleman, Luann Van Houten, Sam, Adrian Belew, Bernice Hibbert, Agnes Skinner, Dolph Starbeam, Horatio McCallister, Sophie Jensen, Comic Book Guy, Snake, Itchy, Girl with glasses, Long-haired girl, Scratchy, Gareth Prince, Sarah Wiggum, Sanjay Nahasapeemapetilon, Lunchlady Dora, Raphael, Abraham Lincoln, Dr. Hibbert's Second Son, JJ Hibbert, Julius Hibbert's Second Daughter, Jerri Mackleberry, Barry Mackleberry, Gertie Feesh, Boy with glasses, Annex Adminstrator, Grandma Van Houten, Waiter, Exterminator, Insane Man, Mrs. Clark, Shoshanna

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character