Team Homer

The Simpsons, season 7, episode 12. First aired January 7, 1996. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Marge Be Not Proud Two Bad Neighbors → The whole episode as text

From “Team Homer”: “I spent the next three years in a POW camp,” — I spent the next three years in a POW camp,

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About the episode

Homer forms the Pin Pals bowling team with Moe, Apu and Otto, covering the $500 league fee with money he gets from an ether-dazed Mr. Burns. When Burns works out where his cash went, he joins the team in Otto's place and drags down its scores before the final. Meanwhile, Bart's "Down With Homework" shirt sparks chaos in class, and Principal Skinner imposes uniforms.

Written by: Mike Scully
Directed by: Mark Kirkland
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel
Chalkboard gag: I am not certified to remove Asbestos
Couch gag: Mouse Family
Production code: 3F10

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

340 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:00 To be continued...
0:37 Oh, my God. The Mad Magazine Special Edition.
0:40 They only put out 17 of these a year.
0:43 Boy, they're really socking it to that Spiro Agnew guy again.
0:47 He must work there or something.
0:49 Let's do the fold-in. Okay.
0:51 What higher power do TV evangelists worship?
0:54 I'll say God. I'll say Jesus.
0:56 The Almighty Dollar.
0:59 You fooled it, you bought it.
1:01 Ooh, snappy answers to stupid questions.
1:04 I'm great at these.
1:05 Ask me if something smells funny in here, boy.
1:07 Does something smell funny in here? I don't think so.
1:10 Stupid.
1:13 Tommy, you want pork chops?
1:15 No, I want roast beef, you clod.
1:20 Look at this. Special insert. Iron on madness.
1:23 Ban the bath.
1:25 Don't trust anyone over ten.
1:27 Suck it to me!
1:30 Those magazines create a dangerous amount of laughter.
1:35 The all-ide-aller.
1:39 I get it.
1:40 Gee, business stinks tonight.
1:42 Where's Bonnie, Lenny, and Carl?
1:44 They never come around anymore now that they got their mistresses.
1:48 Might as well close the dump.
1:51 I am going to drink you under the table.
1:53 No, I am going to drink you under the...
1:57 Oh, well, you're closing.
1:59 It's getting late.
2:00 My kids are probably wondering where their daddy is.
2:03 There's got to be some other place we can go.
2:05 Zink, Moe. Zink.
2:08 Sorry, it's league night. I couldn't give Elaine to my own mother.
2:12 I have no son.
2:16 Man, you go through life, you try to be nice to people,
2:20 you struggle to resist the urge to punch them in the face, and for what?
2:23 for some pimply little puke that treats you like dirt unless you're on a team.
2:28 Well, I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt.
2:31 I mean, not that fancy store-bought dirt.
2:33 That's stuff loaded with nutrients.
2:35 I can't compete with that stuff.
2:37 That I cannot bowl wreaks havoc with my self-esteem as well.
2:40 But who am I to complain?
2:42 Well, I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler.
2:45 I want to be a league bowler.
2:48 Hey, we can be a team.
2:51 Excuse me, but my team is ready to bowl You're short one person
2:57 That long-haired freak's bowled with us for years Oh,
3:00 I don't care if it takes me all night I'm gonna get me that lobster harmonica Come on,
3:05 lobster Oh,
3:08 okay Then I just need your $500 registration fee $500?
3:12 Oh, no problem Would you take an out-of-state two-party bad check?
3:16 No, I will not pay you $500 for sex Oh, come on,
3:20 Marge You're getting something in return And I'm getting a bowling team It's win-win
3:26 It's sick Man,
3:28 I don't have that kind of money to spend on sex Maybe you could get someone with money to
3:32 sponsor your team Like Mr.
3:34 Burns Burns never gives money to anybody Just last week I asked him for $1,500 For what?
3:40 Oh, I gotta get the third degree from you, too Tonight's homework assignment is Oh,
3:44 man, is it hot in here I better take off my sweater
3:50 Down with homework?
3:55 Don't look at it, children. This shirt makes a good point.
3:58 I'm with the shirt.
4:00 Homework rots. Down with homework!
4:03 Down with homework!
4:10 As I was saying, my yearly evaluation couldn't have come at a better time.
4:14 Well, Seymour, I must say for once, I am impressed.
4:17 In fact, I am going to give this school a perfect ten.
4:21 I'll just write the zero first.
4:24 Now a vertical line to indicate the one.
4:28 Get out of the way!
4:31 Dinner?
4:32 Why are there children walking on my head?
4:39 So, we meet again, Mad Magazine. How do you know it's for Mad?
4:43 The year was 1968.
4:45 We were on recon in a steaming Mekong Delta.
4:48 An overheated private removed his flak jacket,
4:51 revealing a t-shirt with an iron-on sporting the mad slogan, Up with mini skirts.
4:55 Well, we all had a good laugh, even though I didn't quite understand it.
4:58 But our momentary lapse of concentration allowed Charlie to get the drop on us.
5:03 I spent the next three years in a POW camp,
5:05 forced to subsist in a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk,
5:11 and four kinds of rice.
5:13 I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States,
5:16 but they just can't get the spices right.
5:18 Uh, my punishment?
5:20 Oh, I'm gonna have to think about that.
5:22 Meanwhile, wear this home.
5:26 No!
5:28 I need some more ether.
5:30 I can still feel the movement of the emery board.
5:34 We're fresh out, sir. I'll get some more.
5:36 Leave the rag.
5:44 Excuse me, Mr. Burns.
5:46 Poppin' Fresh, you glutinous little doughboy.
5:50 There's something I've wanted to do to you for years.
5:58 Mr. Burns,
5:59 I was wondering if you'd like to sponsor my bowling team for $500.
6:05 Oh, why, certainly, Poppin' Fresh.
6:07 I owe my robust physique to your tubes of triple-bleached goo.
6:10 Woo-hoo!
6:11 Hey, everybody!
6:13 If you want to ask Burns for a favor, now's the time!
6:16 He's doped up or dying or something!
6:20 Uh, excuse me, I'd like to request $17 for a push broom re-bristling.
6:26 Why, it's that delightful TV leprechaun.
6:28 I'm going to get you a lucky chance.
6:31 Oh, no, my brains.
6:50 Hey, nice, quote, uniforms, end quote.
6:54 That's just in. A new addition to our worst dress list, those guys.
7:00 Oh, forget this.
7:03 I am far too fragile to withstand an evening of barbs like that.
7:07 Oh, come on. If we quit now, we'll never know how badly they're going to beat us.
7:11 Yeah, you're right. That's the kind of thing that would haunt you.
7:18 Buenas noches, señoritas!
7:21 What did he say? What did he say? Was that about me?
7:24 Okay, I do.
7:25 Pressure's on.
7:27 Don't choke, don't choke, don't choke, don't...
7:30 CHOKE!
7:32 Oh, man, I knew I was gonna choke. Well, that's a funny-looking strike.
7:36 Come on, guys. Let's be the team that supports each other.
7:40 You can do it, Otto!
7:43 Help each other out!
7:44 That'll be our motto!
7:46 You can do it, Otto!
7:48 Make this spare. I give you free gelato.
7:51 Then back to my place, where I will get your blotto.
7:54 Tomo Eric Otto, Mr. Roboto.
7:56 You can do it, Otto!
7:58 You can do it!
7:59 Guys, I made the spare. We won.
8:02 Yeah!
8:09 Those beers are $5 a piece.
8:18 Let me set the scene for you, Mark.
8:20 All right. It's a 7-10 split.
8:22 The hardest shot in bowling. It was all up to me.
8:26 So I got up all my courage. Right away, my lips started to move.
8:31 and I came up with a chance that won the match.
8:35 Who knocked down the pins? I don't know.
8:37 You know, some guy.
8:39 Otto, I guess. Good for him. Yes, but Marge, you're missing the point.
8:45 The individual doesn't matter.
8:47 It was a team effort, and I was the one who came up with the whole team idea.
8:53 Me!
8:53 I can't believe Otto picked up a 7-10 split.
8:57 He's phenomenal.
8:58 But this... Wow. Several days ago,
9:01 a violent riot erupted and decided by an inflammatory t-shirt slogan.
9:05 No, no, now don't try to remember what that slogan was.
9:08 To ensure that this frenzied dance of destruction is never repeated,
9:11 I have decided starting Monday, all students will be required to wear uniforms.
9:18 Uniforms?
9:24 Say hello to our little genius Martin Who looks even smarter in his vest and short pad
9:29 combination From Mr. Boy of Main Street
9:34 Or how about little Lisa Simpson She'll have no reason to play the blues in this snappy
9:40 ensemble Topped off with a saucy French beret That seems to scream
9:52 All right, pick your size, extra small or extra large.
9:56 We've got both. No pushing now.
9:58 I, what? Oh, I've just been informed we've run out of extra large.
10:02 Go Moe, go Moe. Don't make Homer shout out Doom.
10:07 Yeah!
10:09 All right!
10:10 Yeah!
10:18 All right, Snake, make us proud.
10:25 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, ten.
10:29 Bye.
10:31 Ah, we forfeit.
10:39 There it is, boys.
10:41 A championship trophy.
10:44 We will never possess it. The Holy Rollers have won it five years in a row.
10:49 Ah, they think they're so high and mighty.
10:51 It's because they never got caught driving without pants.
10:58 God, boy, I couldn't get a strike.
11:03 It's me, Ned.
11:08 Mom, my slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets.
11:12 And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination.
11:14 These uniforms suck. Bart, why do you pick up words like that?
11:18 Yeah, Mo, that team sure did suck last night.
11:20 They just plain sucked.
11:22 I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
11:26 Homer, watch your mouth. I gotta go, my damn wiener kids are listening.
11:29 We are not wieners.
11:31 Then what are you dressed like that for?
11:33 They made us. Oh, they made us. That's loser talk.
11:37 You gotta start acting more like me and my team.
11:39 The future league champions of the world.
11:41 Nothing's gonna stop us now. Stop everything!
11:44 I don't remember writing a check for bowling.
11:47 Uh, sir, that's a check for your bowling.
11:49 Oh, yes. That's very important.
11:51 Yes, sir. Remember that month you didn't do it?
11:53 Yes. That was unpleasant for all concerned.
11:56 Anyway, back to the checks.
11:57 Stop everything! I don't remember writing a check for bowling.
12:01 Hmm.
12:02 The memo says to my pal, Poppin' Fresh.
12:05 Oh, yes. That greedy, grasping glove of chemicals.
12:08 Probably one of your ether-induced hallucinations, sir.
12:10 I'll check the employee files to see who could pull off such an impersonation.
12:15 That was either Pop Spreschenmeier
12:20 or Homer Simpson.
12:25 Simpson, eh?
12:26 Let's shut down this bowling scam right now.
12:34 Come on, Homer! Come on, Homer! Pretend this is baseball and hit us a Homer!
12:45 By the way, rhyming Homer with Homer?
12:49 Look at them Smithers, enjoying their embezzlement.
12:52 I have a much uglier word for it, sir.
12:56 Misappropriation.
12:57 Simpson!
13:00 Listen here.
13:02 I want to join your team. You want to join my what?
13:04 You want to what his team? I've had one of my unpredictable changes of heart.
13:08 Seeing these fine young athletes reveling in the humiliation of a vanquished foe,
13:13 I haven't felt this energized since my last, uh, boweling.
13:17 Oh, man, he'll blow our winning streak.
13:20 Yeah, call this an unfair generalization if you must,
13:23 but old people are no good at everything.
13:26 Look, guys, it's not that simple. He's my boss.
13:28 I'll tell you what, I'll give him a shot, and if he stinks,
13:32 it'll be easier to tell him no.
13:49 Welcome aboard!
13:51 It wasn't any easier.
13:58 Ah, these uniforms are a godsend.
14:01 Horseplay is down 40%. Youthful exuberance has been cut in half.
14:05 High spirits are at an all-time low. They've even begun blinking in unison.
14:10 I love that sound.
14:13 Now, children, while you're having quiet time,
14:15 I'm going to make sure my desk is exactly parallel to the rear wall.
14:24 Oh,
14:25 there's something I used to do in this situation,
14:30 but can't remember.
14:33 Ha!
14:34 How?
14:35 Whoa, I can't believe I got booted off the team for Mr.
14:38 Businessman.
14:39 I bet I'll get a little respect once I get that Harvard diploma.
14:53 Look at that. All the way to the end with only one push.
14:58 That's the third game in a row we cost us, Homer.
15:01 Mama Mia! Hutzman!
15:04 Yee-haw!
15:05 Arr, me mateys.
15:07 Arr.
15:08 Oh, they begged me to join their team. Begged me.
15:13 Well, we certainly got walloped tonight, eh, fellas?
15:17 Well, Mr.
15:20 Burns, next week is the big championship game.
15:23 Ah, yes, that silly championship.
15:26 The only ship worth a damn is friendship.
15:29 Look, here comes the friendship, sailing your way.
15:34 Here, let me get that friend.
15:37 Oops, lost a nail.
15:39 Well, that's leprosy for you.
15:53 You're it.
15:55 Now you are the one who is it. Understood.
15:58 Well, I've got to hand it to you, Seymour.
16:00 These drab student coverings have created the perfect distraction-free environment,
16:05 thus preparing the children for permanent positions in tomorrow's mills and processing
16:10 facilities.
16:11 Best of all, with less than a minute to go before I leave,
16:14 absolutely nothing has gone wrong.
16:19 Well, it is starting to rain, but I can hardly be blamed for that, can I?
16:24 Yeah.
16:26 Yeah, very good.
16:37 Wow, look at all the colors, man. Red, green, yellow, orange.
16:42 I remember all of these.
16:44 I'm freaking out!
16:46 Hey, something's coming back to me.
16:49 Down with homework!
16:51 And down with uniforms!
16:53 Yay!
17:00 Ow, ow, ow!
17:02 Skinner, why aren't these uniforms colorfast?
17:05 I don't understand it. I got them at the same place I buy Mother's dresses and be...
17:09 Good Lord, Mother's in the park!
17:12 Now this I gotta see.
17:14 Oh, Marge, we were so close to winning the championship.
17:18 Now thanks to Burns, it's never gonna happen.
17:20 And I spent so much time building that trophy case.
17:27 Homer, maybe Mr.
17:28 Burns will bowl a great game And you will win your championship So you're saying we're
17:33 definitely going to win? Woohoo!
17:35 I won't need this anymore
17:44 Marge, someone broke the toilet
17:54 Don't worry about nothing, Homer.
17:57 I have a feeling that Mr.
17:59 Burns is going to have a little accident that might keep him from bowling with us tonight.
18:09 Smithers, I'm afraid I won't be able to play tonight.
18:12 My old gimpy knee has gone akimbo again.
18:15 Take that!
18:18 Smithers, that precision assault popped it back into place.
18:21 Thank you, masked stranger. Oh, he's gonna ruin everything!
18:25 Alright, that's it, Homer. Either Burns goes or Moe goes.
18:28 Yes,
18:28 I'm afraid that I'm going to have to make a similar threat with my name in place of Moe's
18:32 name.
18:33 So, who's ready to kick some Christian Kister?
18:35 Oh, well, Mr. Burns, as team captain,
18:40 it's my duty to inform you that... Oh, I almost forgot.
18:43 I brought you all a little something.
18:47 Oh, would you look at that.
18:49 The pin pass.
18:51 At last, I finally have a garment fine enough to be married in.
18:55 I've always been wealthy, but this is the first time I ever felt rich.
19:02 Now, Homer, you were about to say something to me.
19:05 You're off the team. I... What?
19:09 Homer, he's just ribbing your money.
19:12 Yes.
19:35 Hey!
19:44 Nice one, Homer. Thanks.
19:50 Okay, the holy rollers are ahead by one pin and we only have one bowler left.
19:55 Mr. Burns.
20:10 Well, next time a few steps more towards center, don't you think?
20:14 Goodbye trophy.
20:24 Oh, whatever I got a hold of is big.
20:44 Yes!
20:45 Excellent.
20:48 Yes!
20:51 Wahoo! We won! We won!
20:59 You mean I won. But we were a team, sir.
21:03 Oh, I'm afraid I've had one of my trademark changes of heart.
21:05 You see, teamwork will only take you so far.
21:08 Then the truly evolved person makes that extra grab for personal glory.
21:11 Now, I must discard my teammates,
21:14 much like the boxer must shed roll after roll of sweaty, useless,
21:17 disgusting flab before he can win the title.
21:20 I guess some people never change.
21:23 Or they quickly change and then quickly change back.
21:27 You know what? We don't need him or his trophy.
21:31 We got each other.
21:32 Huh?
21:33 Yeah, that's right.
21:35 Go home and you're our man. If you can do it, no one can.
21:52 Well, I guess no one can. Run before they're through feed it.
22:13 Thank you.
22:42 Shh.
23:14 Thank you.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Nelson Muntz, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Patty Bouvier, Reverend Lovejoy, Selma Bouvier, Groundskeeper Willie, Lou, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Richard, Jimbo Jones, Eddie, Todd Flanders, Maude Flanders, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Mayor Quimby, Nina Skalka, Janey Powell, Hans Moleman, Helen Lovejoy, Adrian Belew, Becky Shorter, Dolph Starbeam, Horatio McCallister, Sophie Jensen, Comic Book Guy, Snake, Girl with glasses, Long-haired girl, Jaffee Ziswhisky, Buck-toothed boy, Superintendent Chalmers, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Buck-toothed girl, Lewis' lookalike, Boy with shades, Cletus Spuckler, Lunchlady Dora, Bumblebee Man, Smug Girl, Princess Kashmir, Arnie Pye, Jacques, Luigi Risotto, Lurleen Lumpkin, Mindy Simmons, Freddy Quimby, The Hounds, Boy with glasses, Al Gumble, Pops Freshenmeyer

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character