Bart the Fink

The Simpsons, season 7, episode 15. First aired February 11, 1996. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

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From “Bart the Fink”: “Oh, I'm sorry.” — Oh, I'm sorry.

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About the episode

After inheriting $100 from Aunt Hortense, Bart slips a check into Krusty the Clown's pocket to get an autograph, but the cashed check bears a Cayman Islands company's stamp, exposing Krusty as a tax cheat. Stripped of his fortune, Krusty apparently dies in a plane crash, but a guilt-ridden Bart and Lisa find him at the docks as Rory B. Bellows and coax him back to show business.

Written by: story by Bob Kushell; teleplay by John Swartzwelder
Directed by: Jim Reardon
Guest stars: Phil Hartman as Troy McClure; Bob Newhart
Couch gag: The couch is a fax machine that spews out a piece of paper with the Simpson family in a sitting position.
Production code: 3F12

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

333 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 The Simpsons
0:25 May I offer my condolences on the untimely passing
0:31 of your great-aunt Hortense. As her only living heirs,
0:35 you stand to inherit her entire estate.
0:39 Poor Aunt Hortense.
0:45 The only stipulation is that you spend one night in a haunted house.
0:51 Isn't that somewhat unusual?
0:53 No, it's a standard clause. Well, luckily, there's no such thing as ghosts.
1:03 Yes! There's no such thing as ghosts.
1:16 Best night's sleep I ever had. Their tap water tasted better than ours.
1:20 Here you go.
1:22 One hundred dollars each.
1:24 The rest goes to Ann Landers, as was stipulated in your aunt's will.
1:30 Oh, I'm sorry.
1:31 I must have continued talking after you left the office.
1:35 I do that sometimes.
1:42 Oh, my.
1:44 What are you going to spend your money on, kids?
1:46 There's a special on tacos down at the taco mat.
1:48 100 tacos for $100. I'm going to get that.
1:51 I'm going to contribute my money to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.
1:55 Tacos? Public broadcasting? I won't have you kids throwing your money away like that.
2:00 You're both coming downtown with me, and you're going to put that money in the bank.
2:08 Boy, I sure could go for a hundred tacos right about now.
2:12 No.
2:14 Yes, this should provide adequate sustenance for the Doctor Who marathon.
2:21 You'll feel better knowing your money's in the hands of professionals.
2:24 Oook oook. Are you folks ready to go ape?
2:27 Mom, a professional in an ape mask is still a professional.
2:32 And you'll find that saving for your future is far more thrilling than any roller coaster.
2:37 Really?
2:38 Wow, I should have started a long time ago.
2:40 Mm-hmm.
2:41 Now fill out these forms.
2:43 I'm sure you'll find them more exciting than a weekend with Batman.
2:47 I got their new thrifty saver savings account.
2:50 2.3% annual interest instead of the normal 2.25.
2:52 So a year from now,
2:54 I'll have an extra nickel I got the account where you get free customized checks I chose
2:58 the Hindenburg flipbook series
3:00 Cool
3:02 Hmm, checking accounts aren't really for children, Bart No, Mom,
3:06 I can handle it Let's see Pay to the order of Lisa One cent
3:11 And no cents And now the old John Hancock Here you go
3:17 Thank you A million dollars Thanks, Bart I owe you one Uh,
3:23 that's a post-dated check, remember. Don't cash it till the year 10,000.
3:26 Okay.
3:35 Excellent.
3:36 As soon as the check clears, I'll let you go.
3:45 That's it. No more autographs. I gotta go.
3:47 They're naming a new sandwich after me at my restaurant.
3:51 It's okay, Bart. You can share mine.
3:54 Quick, press against me while the ink's still wet.
3:56 No need.
3:57 I'm going to get Krusty's autograph the easy way.
4:00 If he wants these 25 cents, he'll have to endorse the check by signing it on the back.
4:04 Then, when my monthly bank statement comes,
4:06 I'll get the check back complete with autograph.
4:09 Nofas, nomas.
4:14 That's a good plan. But it won't impress girls like this.
4:18 Yeah!
4:24 Lisa's autograph.
4:25 Uh, Pooh's autograph.
4:27 Oh, what do you know? Jimbo's real name is Corky.
4:32 And Krusty!
4:33 Hey, Cayman Islands Offshore Holding Corporation.
4:40 Krusty was supposed to sign this. Take it back and make him sign it.
4:42 Uh, no, no.
4:44 Stamping the back of a check is perfectly legal, little boy.
4:47 Many people do it to save time. You see, in this case,
4:50 instead of writing out his name,
4:51 Krusty has stamped the name of his Cayman Islands holding corporation on the...
4:55 Hmm.
4:57 Uh, excuse me a minute.
5:07 Oh, I'm sorry.
5:10 I can't divulge information about that customer's secret illegal account.
5:16 Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said it was a customer.
5:19 Oh crap, I shouldn't have said it was a secret.
5:22 Oh crap, I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal.
5:27 Ah, it's too hot today.
5:37 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I bought this popcorn fair and square!
5:43 Sorry, the bank is... Oh, kid, gosh, I meant to tell you.
5:47 Turns out that Krusty is one of the biggest tax cheats in history,
5:50 and they nailed him, all thanks to you.
5:53 Some might say you're a hero, kid.
5:57 Not me, however. I love Krusty.
6:05 Ladies and gentlemen, Krusty the Clown was arrested today for massive tax fraud.
6:11 Krusty's years of tax avoision would never have...
6:15 Avoision, it's a crime, look it up.
6:17 Would never have...
6:19 I don't say evasion, I say avoision.
6:23 Would never have come to light if not for a crafty little boy named Bart Simpson.
6:28 Krusty's my hero. How could I do this to him?
6:30 It is a tragedy for all us kids, but Bart, you can't beat yourself up.
6:34 Yeah.
6:35 There'll be enough people to do that for me at recess tomorrow.
6:43 Oh, I can't go to jail!
6:45 I got a swanky lifestyle!
6:47 I'm used to the best!
6:49 Krusty, this is America. We don't send our celebrities to jail.
6:52 We're just going to garnish your salary.
6:54 Garnish my salary?
6:56 Please, Krusty, no jokes. Who's joking I?
7:00 Oh, I don't know what you're saying. It all sounds so crazy to me.
7:04 It simply means you'll be taking part of your salary until your debt is repaid.
7:08 Say, 75% for 40 years. But I don't plan to live that long.
7:12 Better make it 95%. Oh, boy.
7:16 The Internal Revenue Service presents Herschel Krestofsky's Clown-Related Entertainment
7:20 Show.
7:23 Hey, hey, kids! Now that the feds are calling the shots,
7:27 this show's gotta be a lot more cost effective.
7:30 So we had to cut down on the frills like sets, props, costumes, and sideshow mel.
7:35 But that doesn't mean we can't have fun.
7:37 For example, I sure wish somebody would give me a banana cream pie.
7:42 Yeah.
7:45 I guess we can't afford pies right now.
7:48 Well, throw something.
7:50 Oh, the corner.
8:02 I'll have four tax burgers One IRS switch With hold of
8:07 lettuce Three dependent size sodas And a Ficuccino Fill out schedule B
8:13 You should receive your burgers in six to eight weeks Let's see here
8:18 Schedule B Line 53 Take away Hey Mars
8:24 What were your gambling losses last year?
8:27 $700!
8:32 They took my money, they wrecked my show,
8:35 they buried a bunch of stinking veterans in my family plot.
8:38 But at least I still got my memories.
8:41 Those are locked up safe in my fabulous mansion.
8:45 And now, lot number 66,
8:47 a handmade leather suitcase carried by the Khrushchevsky family upon their arrival at
8:51 Ellis Island in 1902. a priceless heirloom and historic piece of crusty honor.
8:56 What am I bid?
8:57 40 cents. I got 40 cents. 40 cents over here.
9:00 40 cents over here.
9:01 50. 50.
9:02 50. 50. 50. 50. 50. 50. 50. 50. 50. Sold for 40 cents.
9:07 40 cents.
9:09 Ugh.
9:09 My grandpa Zev would turn over in his grave if it wasn't filled with some veteran.
9:13 Lot 67.
9:15 30.
9:15 Two cartons of pornography.
9:17 10 cents.
9:18 12. 12 cents to our phone bidder in Japan.
9:24 I didn't know there'd be pornography.
9:26 Sold for 12 cents!
9:27 Oh, my beloved pornography!
9:30 I can't watch this anymore!
9:32 I'm going to bed. How much for Krusty's bed?
9:34 Half a buck!
9:35 Sold!
9:36 Goodnight, everybody!
9:37 Goodnight, Mo!
9:40 And now, lot number 2380, Krusty's private plane, the I'm on a Roller Gay.
9:45 But I love that plane! I used to fly to Vegas in it with Dean Martin.
9:49 One night, he looked out the window, and the moon hit his eye like a big pizza pie.
9:54 We wrote a song about it, but it ended up infringing on one he recorded years before.
9:59 Hey, Selma, that plane would go great with your new suitcase.
10:02 Nah, I just bought it to soak my feet in.
10:15 Krusty, hi, is it okay if I sit down here?
10:18 Go ahead, kid, knock yourself out. I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you, Krusty.
10:23 But you know, my mom says God never closes a door without opening a window.
10:27 No offense, kid, but your mom's a dingbat.
10:30 There's no silver lining here.
10:32 I was a big cheese. A huge cheese. But now look at me.
10:38 I gotta ride the bus like a schnuck.
10:40 I gotta live in an apartment like an idiot.
10:43 I gotta wait in line with nobodies to buy groceries from a failure.
10:48 It doesn't matter how you live or what you did wrong.
10:51 As long as you're on TV, people will respect you.
10:54 Respect?
10:55 Bah!
10:56 What good is respect without the moulin to back it up?
10:59 Everywhere I go, I see teachers in Ferraris.
11:03 Research scientists drinking champagne.
11:05 I tried to drink a Coke on the bus, and they took away my pass!
11:10 That's no life for a famous clown. Well, if it'll make you feel any better, Krusty,
11:14 you can punch me in the face.
11:18 Nah, forget it. Go home, kid.
11:27 Shiva H. Vishnu, where is that noise coming from?
11:36 I must say, I've had a lovely evening, Agnes.
11:39 I don't suppose I could come in for a cup of...
11:41 Say more!
11:42 Mother?
11:43 Superintendent Chalmers!
11:45 Skinner! But I wouldn't give her something to interrupt this awkward moment.
11:52 That'll do nicely.
11:59 You gotta hand it to Krusty. Yeah, even with all his problems,
12:03 he's still willing to do something unbelievably dangerous just to entertain his fans.
12:10 Oh, that's my Krusty. I got a feeling he'll be all right.
12:25 Oh, my God!
12:26 Krusty's shoes!
12:27 Okay, folks, show's over. Nothing to see here.
12:30 Show's... Oh, my God!
12:32 A horrible plane crash!
12:34 Hey, everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage!
12:37 Come on, crowd around.
12:38 Crowd around, don't be shy. Crowd around.
12:43 Ladies and gentlemen, Crusty the Clown is dead.
12:55 I can't believe Crusty's really gone.
12:58 Don't worry, son.
12:59 I'm sure he's up in heaven right now laughing it up with all the other celebrities.
13:04 John Dillinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin.
13:09 I wish I were dead.
13:12 We are gathered to mourn the passing of Herschel Schmoichel Krestofsky Beloved entertainer
13:18 and dear friend Hello,
13:20 I'm Troy McClure You might remember me from such show business funerals as Andre the
13:24 Giant, We Hardly Knew Ye And Shemp Howard,
13:27 Today We Mourn a Stooge Now, Krusty's closest friend and sidekick, Sideshow Mel
13:35 I'll miss you,
13:36 Krusty I and all the other sideshows except side show bob but
13:42 in the midst of our sorrow we can take comfort in the fact that your elevated blood
13:47 alcohol level probably helped you burn up quicker since you left us no earthly remains
13:53 it is my sad duty to unveil this simple memorial
14:00 next in our cavalcade of celebrity mourners bob newhart
14:08 See, to tell you the truth, I'm just killing my time here.
14:15 I was waiting for a different funeral to start.
14:19 I'll handle it.
14:20 Bob Newhart, everybody!
14:25 Oh.
14:28 Well,
14:28 though I started my career several years before Krusty,
14:33 so I could never really learn anything directly from him.
14:39 Still, I think in a way, in a very meaningful way,
14:43 that all of us have learned from him.
14:50 That is by being a clown on television for so many
14:56 years, even though many of us,
15:00 we didn't watch a show.
15:06 Thank you.
15:09 Well, that's the funeral, folks. We'll be sitting Shiv at the Friars Club at 7 p.m.
15:14 and again at 10. You must be over 18 for the 10 o'clock.
15:17 It gets a little blue.
15:27 And so, Herschel Krzysztofski is gone. But not forgotten.
15:31 Today was the unveiling of the new Krusty stamp.
15:33 Postal patrons were asked to choose between two competing designs,
15:36 one of Krusty's heartwarming smile and one of his fiery death.
15:41 By a nearly two to one vote, the smiling Krusty was chosen.
15:53 Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy.
15:56 People die all the time, just like that.
16:00 Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow.
16:05 Well, good night.
16:15 Krusty!
16:18 Mom, I just saw Krusty! Yes, dear, in your mind.
16:21 No, on the street. On the street in your mind.
16:24 Why won't you believe me?
16:25 Sweetheart,
16:26 maybe you just want Krusty to be alive so badly you think you see them everywhere.
16:30 I went through the same thing when Lyndon Johnson died.
16:35 And these pills will help with the queasiness.
16:41 Krusty?
16:42 Dr. Hibbert, who was that man?
16:44 Now, Bart, telling you would violate the patient-doctor privilege.
16:48 Just as if I were to tell you that Jasper here has five seconds to live.
16:53 What'd he say? He said I'm next!
16:57 I'm going crazy.
17:00 I'm seeing Krusty everywhere.
17:11 Bart,
17:11 you're seeing Krusty everywhere because you want to tell him you're sorry for causing his
17:15 death.
17:16 Would it help if I told her you're not responsible for Krusty's death?
17:18 Yes. Yes, it would.
17:20 Well, I can't. You'll just have to learn to live with your mental problem.
17:23 Wait a minute.
17:24 All those things I saw. There's a connection.
17:26 The truck full of nets and buckets, the queasy guy, the lobsters,
17:30 they all point to one thing.
17:32 Follow me.
17:39 Dar, I've got some customers.
17:41 Call me back, Ishmael.
17:44 Ahoy there, minnows.
17:47 Ahoy, have you seen this man?
17:49 Dar, that's handsome Pete.
17:51 He dances for nickels.
17:53 Pete, you got some customers.
18:02 No, we're looking for this man, Krusty the Clown
18:06 Nar, nar, nar It's hopeless,
18:09 Bart We've searched up and down these docks From Pier 1 to that Pier 1 by Pier 17
18:19 Lisa, look A signature with stars around it, just like Krusty's Rory B.
18:24 Bellows, Slip 8 Let's go.
18:29 Not a quarter.
18:31 He'll be dancing for hours.
18:38 Are you Rory B. Bellows? Yes.
18:41 About Krusty the Clown.
18:43 Sorry, I don't do impressions.
18:45 Well, if you're not Krusty, how come you have the exact same signature as him?
18:48 I'm Rory Bellows, I tell you. And I got a lot of corroborating evidence over here.
18:55 By the throttle!
19:03 You know, you two could have said something instead of letting me make an ass of myself.
19:07 Hey, you got a pacemaker scar just like Krusty.
19:10 And Krusty's superfluous third nipple.
19:15 Can't you see I don't want to be Krusty anymore?
19:17 That's why I faked my death. But we saw your plane crash.
19:21 Yeah, but I wasn't in it.
19:23 Just before I hit the mountain, I jumped out of the plane into a carefully placed net.
19:31 So now that we've blown your cover,
19:32 I guess you've got to come back and do your show again.
19:34 Or kill us.
19:37 I won't be coming back, kids.
19:38 I got a sweet life here. The sea air is clearing my lungs,
19:42 the sun is toasting my pale skin a healthy brown, and most important,
19:46 I learned that I don't need money to be happy.
19:49 All that high living just distracted me from my true calling in life
19:54 Salvaging sunken barges for scrap iron Sorry,
19:58 kids There's nothing left for me on dry land anymore But, Krusty,
20:02 what about all the kids who depend on you to brighten up their afternoons?
20:05 Are you gonna turn your back on them?
20:08 Yes!
20:12 Come on,
20:13 Lise Krusty doesn't want our attention anymore Let's go worship somebody who has the guts
20:17 to be a celebrity Yeah, Krusty doesn't want to be a clown.
20:21 He's happy just being another blue-collar bozo.
20:26 Krusty's tired of having phonies around pretending to be his friends.
20:29 I'm sure he'll find plenty of people who'll like him for who he is.
20:33 Well, it could happen.
20:36 Who needs friends?
20:38 The incessant people of the global positioning system is all the companionship I need.
20:47 Tell me where you are now, you bastard!
20:50 All right, I admit it.
20:52 I miss the phonies.
20:54 That's all I miss. That and Shirley Jones and Marty Engle's New Year's Eve party.
20:59 What about that great feeling you get from knowing you're better than regular people?
21:03 What about being an illiterate TV clown who's still more respected than all the
21:08 scientists, doctors, and educators in the country put together?
21:14 Yeah!
21:15 I'm not gonna let those guys hog all the respect while I'm out here in some stinking tub.
21:22 That's just what those eggheads want. Well, forget it, Poindexter,
21:26 cause Krusty's back in town!
21:28 Yay!
21:37 So, Krusty, what are you gonna do about your tax problem?
21:40 Don't sweat it.
21:41 The life of Rory B. Bellows is insured for a surprisingly large amount.
22:13 Thank you.
22:41 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Kent Brockman, Jasper Beardsley, Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier, Groundskeeper Willie, Jimbo Jones, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Mayor Quimby, Sideshow Mel, Kirk Van Houten, Nina Skalka, Janey Powell, Hans Moleman, Luann Van Houten, Agnes Skinner, Horatio McCallister, Comic Book Guy, Ruth Powers, Superintendent Chalmers, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Sanjay Nahasapeemapetilon, Troy McClure, Alice Glick, Rainier Wolfcastle, Mr. Teeny, Corporal Punishment, Handsome Pete, John Swartzwelder, Tina Ballerina, Luke Perry, Kermit the Frog, Rex, Sideshow Raheem, Auction Announcer, Bank Teller, Banker with Antlers, Banker with House Costume, Bob Newhart, Cayman Islands banker, IRS Agent 2, Little Bearded Woman, New Accounts Manager, Tom Stovak

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character