22 Short Films About Springfield

The Simpsons, season 7, episode 21. First aired April 14, 1996. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Bart on the Road Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in The Curse of the Flying Hellfish → The whole episode as text

From “22 Short Films About Springfield”: “One more jostle, you retched sugar day.” — One more jostle, you retched sugar day.

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About the episode

Bart's idle wondering about his neighbors' lives opens a chain of linked vignettes about Springfield's residents. Apu sneaks away from the Kwik-E-Mart for a party, Principal Skinner bluffs his way through a disastrous lunch with Superintendent Chalmers, Chief Wiggum and Snake are taken captive in Herman's shop, and Lisa hunts for someone to get gum out of her hair.

Written by: Richard Appel, David X. Cohen, Jonathan Collier, Jennifer Crittenden, Greg Daniels, Brent Forrester, Rachel Pulido, Steve Tompkins, Bill Oakley, Josh Weinstein and Matt Groening
Directed by: Jim Reardon
Guest stars: Phil Hartman as Lionel Hutz
Couch gag: Sea Monster
Production code: 3F18

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

341 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:11 Ah!
0:32 Millhouse, do you ever think about the people in those cars?
0:35 I try not to. It makes it harder to spit on them.
0:38 Sometimes I wonder about all the people in this town.
0:41 Do you think anything interesting ever happens to him?
0:44 I mean, there must be thousands of great stories out there.
0:53 What do you think, Milhouse?
0:55 Milhouse.
0:56 Huh?
0:57 Oh, sorry. I saw a convertible.
0:59 You were saying?
1:01 Forget it.
1:02 Come on, it's 11 o'clock. I need some sugar.
1:07 I wish you'd come to my party, Appu. You could use some merriment.
1:11 Listen, serving the customer is merriment enough for me.
1:15 Thank you, come again.
1:17 You see, most enjoyable.
1:19 Oh, I guarantee a wingding of titanic proportions.
1:22 You will be there or kindly bisque. Well, I don't like to leave this store, but...
1:28 For the next five minutes, I'm going to party like it's on sale for $19.99.
1:42 Quick, quick, not time to cook them. They will plump in my stomach.
1:50 Hello beautiful.
1:51 No ring I see. So you are only arranged to be married.
1:55 I love this song. Let us boogie.
1:58 I am a freak, carzoid. Come on and wind me up.
2:02 I am hot. Let us get out of here.
2:07 Don't worry, I'll tell everybody you are untouchable.
2:15 Oh, Sanjay, never have I partied so hearty.
2:18 Same time next year, yeah? Yes.
2:24 Made it, and with one minute to spare.
2:27 You took four minutes of my life and I want them back.
2:32 Oh, I'd only waste him anyway.
2:37 Swing Serenade is brought to you by Gorman's Ear Guards.
2:41 Guard your ears with Gorman's.
2:44 Mom, Dad threw his beer can at the Miracle-Gro guy on TV.
2:48 Can I recycle it? Why not?
2:59 There's gum in my hair! Mom!
3:02 Someone threw gum in my hair! Are you sure?
3:05 Maybe it's just shampoo. That washes right out.
3:08 No, it's somebody's gross gum!
3:11 Get it out!
3:12 Ow!
3:13 Ow! It's pulling out my hair!
3:16 Wait, if I remember my Heloise,
3:19 The trick to getting out gum is peanut butter
3:25 There now that gum should lift right out
3:33 Maybe it needs a little mayonnaise to get going
3:37 Okay, you go sit in the Sun and let it melt in
3:40 Why me?
3:43 Yeah smell like a sandwich
4:04 Smithers, what's the meaning of this slacking off?
4:07 There's a bee in my eye, sir.
4:10 And?
4:11 I'm allergic to bee stings.
4:13 They cause me to, uh, die. But we're running out of forward momentum.
4:18 Perhaps you could pedal for just a little while, sir.
4:21 Quite impossible.
4:22 I can try to bat him off if you like.
4:25 Really, that's okay.
4:28 Holy cats, man. We're starting to wobble.
4:31 Get me to a hospital.
4:35 You have to pedal.
4:38 No, toddle Sunday trousers.
4:40 Fear not.
4:41 I'll get you to a hospital. The only way I know how.
4:45 Smithers, you infernal ninny. Stick your left hoof on that flange now!
4:49 Now, if you can get it through your bug-addled brain,
4:52 jam that second methitic cloudhopper of yours in the right doodad.
4:55 Now pump those scrawny chicken legs, you stupidest punker!
5:02 One more jostle, you retched sugar day.
5:06 Oh,
5:12 help me.
5:13 Holly smokes!
5:14 You'll need booze!
5:20 Hi, everybody.
5:22 Hi, Dr. Nick.
5:24 Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you.
5:28 Of the 160 gravest charges,
5:30 the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood
5:34 restaurant. But I clean them with my napkin.
5:37 Misuse of the cadavers. I get here earlier when I drive in the carpool lane.
5:44 There's a crazy man with a scalpel in the ER.
5:46 He's demanding to see a quack.
5:53 Hi, everybody.
5:55 Now, tell Dr. Nick where is the trouble.
5:58 I'm at G. I got ants in my pants. I'm discombobulated.
6:01 Give me a calmative.
6:03 Slow down, sir. You're going to give yourself skin failure.
6:07 Okay.
6:08 Now, the symptoms you describe point to bonos eruptos.
6:12 is a terrible disorder where the skeleton tries to leap out the mouth and escape the body.
6:18 No, you're talking.
6:19 Our one chance is transdental electromicide.
6:23 I'll need a golf cart motor with a thousand volt capacitor.
6:27 Doctor, I can't in good conscience.
6:29 Ah, now there's no time, man.
6:31 We'll have to improvise.
6:38 Keep doing that every five seconds. Dr. Nick, we owe you an apology.
6:43 Consider the charges dropped.
6:45 All right.
6:46 Three nose jobs for everybody.
6:48 Yeah, you first.
6:50 Give me a Van Hefferen.
6:59 Say, Yvonne, remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?
7:05 Oh, yeah. We all had a good laugh, Mo. The results came back today.
7:12 You owe me $70 billion.
7:15 No, wait, wait, wait. That's for the Voyager spacecraft.
7:18 Your tab's $14 billion.
7:20 Well, all I got is $2,000.
7:23 Well, that's halfway there.
7:26 Freeze, dude.
7:28 Move a muscle and I'll blow this wino's head off.
7:36 I'm behind three inches of bulletproof glass.
7:39 Do your worst.
7:41 All right.
7:43 No, stay out of there. Stay out of there.
7:44 Oh, good God, no.
7:49 Oh, goodbye, student loan payments.
7:54 Come back here, you stinking.
7:57 Hey, I wonder how much air is in here.
8:00 Okay.
8:06 Well, Seymour, I made it, despite your directions.
8:09 Ah, Superintendent Chalmers, welcome.
8:11 I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon.
8:14 Ah.
8:19 Oh, you gods, my roast is ruined.
8:23 But what if I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking?
8:29 Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, delightfully devilish, Seymour.
8:39 Skinner, with his crazy explanations, the superintendent's gonna need his medication.
8:45 When he hears Skinner's lame exaggerations, there'll be trouble in town tonight.
8:51 Seymour!
8:52 Superintendent, I was just, uh, stretching my calves on the windowsill.
8:56 Isometric exercise.
8:57 Care to join me? Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour?
9:01 Uh, oh, that isn't smoke. It's steam. Steamed from the steamed clams we're having.
9:06 Mmm, steamed clams.
9:10 Ooh.
9:14 Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouth-watering hamburgers.
9:17 I thought we were having steamed clams.
9:20 Oh, no, I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers.
9:24 You call hamburgers steamed hams? Yes.
9:27 It's a regional dialect.
9:29 Uh-huh.
9:30 What region?
9:31 Uh, upstate New York.
9:32 Really?
9:33 Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase steamed hams.
9:37 Oh, not in Utica, no. It's an Albany expression.
9:40 I see.
9:43 You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.
9:47 Oh, no.
9:48 Patented Skinner Burgers.
9:50 Old family recipe.
9:52 For steamed hams.
9:54 Yes. Yes, and you call them steamed hams, despite the fact they are obviously grilled.
10:01 You know, one thing I should...
10:06 Excuse me for one second. Of course.
10:09 Oh, well, that was wonderful.
10:12 Good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
10:14 Yes, I should be. Good Lord, what is happening in there?
10:18 Aurora Borealis.
10:21 Aurora Borealis. at this time of year, at this time of day,
10:25 in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen.
10:30 Yes.
10:31 May I see it?
10:33 No.
10:35 Seymour, the house is on fire!
10:37 No, Mother, it's just the Northern Lights.
10:40 Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say, you steam a good ham.
10:48 Help!
10:56 Elms calls for donut tax.
11:05 There.
11:05 Done and done.
11:08 Oh,
11:14 why did I have to stop at the railroad tracks?
11:16 Better get some change.
11:19 It's okay. It's okay. I'm back. See? Daddy's here.
11:25 Come on, Maggie.
11:26 Maybe if you just squeeze a little...
11:31 That's it. That's it.
11:38 Okay, okay.
11:40 Dink, Homer.
11:41 The dog!
11:50 Okay!
11:51 Go, boy.
11:52 Go find help.
11:53 Go find help, boy.
11:55 Oh, bad dog. Bad dog.
12:01 Oh, don't worry, Maggie. I'll think of something.
12:07 Who's that?
12:20 You know, I went to the McDonald's in Shelbyville on Friday night.
12:23 A Mc-what?
12:24 A McDonald's restaurant. I never heard of it either,
12:27 but they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone.
12:30 Must have sprung up overnight. You know the funniest thing, though?
12:33 It's the little differences.
12:34 Example. Well, at McDonald's, you can buy a crusty burger with cheese, right?
12:38 but they don't call it a crusty burger with cheese.
12:41 Get out. Well, why do they call it? A quarter pounder with cheese.
12:44 Quarter pounder with cheese?
12:46 Well, I can picture the cheese, but do they have crusty, partially gelatinated,
12:51 non-dairy gum-based beverages?
12:53 Mm-hmm. They call them shakes.
12:56 Shakes.
12:57 You don't know what you're getting.
12:58 Well, I know what I'm getting. Some donuts.
13:03 Help me out of the booth, boys.
13:20 What a miserable day of work.
13:23 First, the attack of the crazy woodpecker.
13:29 Then, a disaster of electricity.
13:36 And finally, a catastrophe with a baseball ball.
13:47 Time to relax in peace and quiet.
13:52 There's some damage in the head!
14:10 Look at this very terrible thing, I can't understand How can I live with some friends?
14:15 It's impossible, no, no, no, no
14:20 Where is my tequila?
14:32 Donuts.
14:33 I got donuts.
14:34 I got... Hey, I know you.
14:43 Hey, hey, wait up. We gotta swap insurance info.
14:50 Hey!
14:56 Hold it right there.
14:58 Looks like the spider got himself a couple of flies.
15:10 Come on, boy. This is the spot right here.
15:14 That's a good boy. Good boy. Do your dirty sinful business.
15:20 Howdy, Reverend Lovejoy.
15:21 Nice to see you there on my lawn with your dog.
15:27 Oh, bad dog. Look at that. Right on Ned's lawn.
15:31 Now how could you do such a thing? Good boy, don't stop now.
15:34 Bad dog, I condemn you to hell.
15:36 Better get the old snow shovel back from Homer, huh?
15:40 Good boy, don't stop the music.
15:45 Marge Simpson, still making juice the old-fashioned way?
15:48 No, I've got gum in my hair.
15:51 We've tried everything. Olive oil, lemon juice, tartar sauce, chocolate syrup,
15:55 gravy, bacon fat, hummus and baba ganoush.
15:58 My scalp hurts from horsefly bites.
16:00 Why don't you freeze it with an ice cube and hit it with a hammer?
16:03 Works for me when I get bubbly gum in the old push broom.
16:05 That sounds okay.
16:07 Ah! Ah!
16:09 Stop!
16:10 Stop! Hmm, I seem to have mashed more hair into it.
16:14 Oh, well.
16:15 Ace cubes are useless, man.
16:17 Chewing gum's got to be chewed out.
16:19 Does the whole town have to hear about this?
16:21 Arr, have ye tried a Baltic squid?
16:24 They can suck the bolts out of a submarine's hull.
16:28 All right, Fangory will give me 25 bucks for this shot.
16:33 I can give you the name of a good gum and hair man.
16:36 I have a word of advice.
16:38 Don't try to dig gum out with a bone. It just makes things worse.
16:42 Leave it in as evidence. Bazooka Joe's got deep pockets.
16:46 Perhaps I can help. My papa is foreman of the Dusseldorf Convert.
16:58 Some vocal never eats good, but then again some vocal.
17:02 Like Cletus the slack-jawed yokel.
17:08 Hey, what's going on on this side?
17:11 Hey, Brandine, you might could wear these to your job interview.
17:16 And scuff up the topless dancing runway?
17:18 Nah, you best bring them back where from you got them.
17:21 Okay.
17:23 Back you go.
17:25 To waits for a woman or less discriminating tastes.
17:31 Most folk will never lose a toe And then again some vocal Like Cletus the slack
17:37 -jawed yokel
17:42 Hey, you know what?
17:43 I could call my ma while I'm up here Hey, ma!
17:48 Get off the dang roof!
17:53 Yes, and one with extra cheese Thank you
17:57 Can I use your bathroom?
17:58 No, you may not.
17:59 The bathroom is for paying customers only.
18:01 If you purchase an item, you may use the bathroom.
18:05 Okay, how about that?
18:07 That is a rare photo of Sean Connery signed by Roger Moore.
18:10 It is worth $150.
18:12 What can I get for 75 cents?
18:15 You may purchase this charming Hamburglar adventure.
18:17 A child has already solved the jumble using crayons.
18:20 The answer is fries.
18:22 Milhouse, what's going on? You said you just needed to use the bathroom.
18:25 Now I find you buying comics?
18:27 While our transaction is completed, you may take the boy.
18:30 Wait!
18:37 As soon as Zed gets here, the party will begin.
18:44 There he is now.
18:47 Who are you?
18:48 Can my son use your bathroom?
18:50 You gotta say yes!
18:52 Okay, but be quick.
18:54 Get in back.
19:02 So, uh, nice store.
19:08 You know, when I was a kid, this used to be a pet store.
19:11 Yeah.
19:13 Right over there against that wall, it was the cutest little...
19:16 Get in that corner.
19:21 Hey, Dad, can we get this, please? Oh, my gosh.
19:26 Sorry, mister.
19:36 Want me to cut off the gum or just style it?
19:39 Cut it off, but be careful.
19:41 Don't worry, sweetheart. I know how important hair is to a little girl.
19:47 Ah!
19:48 You keep squirming. There's going to be a little bald girl with no lollipop.
19:54 I love it!
19:56 I finally look like a real person. Thanks!
20:02 Ha ha!
20:06 Hmm...
20:09 Ha ha!
20:18 Crud!
20:25 He's down there.
20:27 Crud!
20:29 Do you find something comical about my appearance when I'm driving my automobile?
20:35 Yeah.
20:36 Everyone needs to drive a vehicle, even the very tall.
20:40 This was the largest auto that I could afford.
20:43 Did I, therefore, be made the subject of fun?
20:47 I guess so.
20:49 Would you like it if I laughed at your misfortune?
20:54 Huh?
20:55 Maybe we should find out.
20:58 Now, march.
21:03 Hey, everybody, look at this. It's that boy who laughs at everyone.
21:09 Let's laugh at him.
21:13 Wave to the people.
21:16 Blow them kisses!
21:30 Well, Moolhouse, I guess interesting stuff does happen to people in Springfield.
21:34 Yep, everybody in town's got their story to tell.
21:39 There's just not enough time to hear them all.
21:45 Oh, sorry, I'm late.
21:46 There was trouble at the lab with the running and the exploding and the crying.
21:49 One of the monkeys stole the glasses off my head.
21:52 Oh, no, wait, please, no. Please, I have a funny story, if you listen.
21:56 I even wrote theme music. There, listen.
21:59 Hey, hey.
22:01 Professor Frink, Professor Frink will make you laugh, will make you think.
22:04 He likes to run, and then the thing with the person.
22:10 Oh, boy.
22:11 That monkey is going to pay.
22:40 Shhh!
22:45 We'll be right back.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Nelson Muntz, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Jasper Beardsley, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Reverend Lovejoy, Groundskeeper Willie, Santa's Little Helper, Lou, Wendell Borton, Eddie, Miss Hoover, Todd Flanders, Rod Flanders, Mayor Quimby, Sideshow Mel, Kirk Van Houten, Nina Skalka, Larry Dalrymple, Hans Moleman, Luann Van Houten, Helen Lovejoy, Sam, Professor Frink, Agnes Skinner, Horatio McCallister, Comic Book Guy, Snake, Dr. Nick, Superintendent Chalmers, Lionel Hutz, Buck-toothed girl, Sarah Wiggum, Herman Hermann, Lewis' lookalike, Sanjay Nahasapeemapetilon, Cletus Spuckler, Alice Glick, Lunchlady Dora, Bumblebee Man, Black Weasel, Yellow Weasel, Smug Girl, Brandine Spuckler, Ms. Albright, Mr. Teeny, Üter Zörker, Disco Stu, Cheery, Jake the Barber, Leopold, Capital City Goofball, Handsome Pete, Ian, Dr. Colossus, Señora Bumblebee Man, Taquito, Don Brodka, Lumpy, Indian Chef, Indian Woman, Lovejoy's sheepdog, Male Nurse, Malpractice Committee Representative

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character