Bart on the Road

The Simpsons, season 7, episode 20. First aired March 31, 1996. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← A Fish Called Selma 22 Short Films About Springfield → The whole episode as text

From “Bart on the Road”: “I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.” — I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.

Caption it, or make a GIF

About the episode

Spending the school's go-to-work day with Patty and Selma at the DMV, Bart makes himself a fake driver's license. With Martin's trading profits, he, Milhouse, Nelson and Martin rent a car and head for Knoxville's long-gone World's Fair, ending up broke and stranded. Bart calls Lisa, who is spending spring break with Homer at the plant, and she and Homer rig a courier shipment to bring the boys home.

Written by: Richard Appel
Directed by: Swinton O. Scott III
Couch gag: Bowling Pins
Production code: 3F17

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

365 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:29 Ah, spring break in Hong Kong.
0:31 Custom-made suits at slave labor prices.
0:34 I... Good Lord, they've got this all wrong.
0:38 Yes, this is Principal Seymour Skinner. How can I help you, Principal?
0:42 I'm afraid there are some problems with my tickets.
0:44 I asked for a center seat, not an aisle seat.
0:46 I specifically requested not to have the kosher meal,
0:49 and I booked the flight leaving Saturday morning, not Friday morning.
0:52 Okay, I've gone ahead and made those changes.
0:54 And with the one-day advance purchase price, it's just an extra $7,830.
1:00 GM Chrysler, I can't afford that.
1:03 But I can't close the school a day early just to suit my vacation.
1:08 Or can I?
1:09 Think, Seymour, think.
1:11 Go to work with your parents' day.
1:14 Yes, go to work with your parents' day.
1:16 Tomorrow you will learn by doing and apply your knowledge of fractions and gym to real
1:20 -world situations. It's better to serve.
1:23 I still don't understand why you get to stay home and watch Mom work.
1:27 Because I've always been an advocate of women in the workplace, Lise.
1:30 I can't help it if Mom's workplace contains our TV.
1:33 I'm honored, Bart.
1:36 And, Lise, you'll have a fine time at the plant with Dad.
1:38 You've been interested in nuclear power for years.
1:41 I've signed numerous petitions to shut down that plant.
1:43 Well, there you go.
1:45 Mom, you're blocking the TV. If you need something to do, you can fill out my form.
1:48 Here.
1:48 Parent's occupation Please note Homemaker is not allowed As it is not
1:54 real work That's why you don't get paid for it
1:58 Bart can take my place at the plant But he so wanted to see women in the workplace So how
2:03 about Aunt Patty and Aunt Summer at the DMV?
2:06 Of course Of course I would never ever have thought of that
2:14 Some days We don't let the line move at all We call those weekdays.
2:21 Good one.
2:22 Oh, well, at least I'm not stuck at the cracker factory like Milhouse.
2:27 Wow!
2:31 Ever wonder how crackers get salted? Have I?
2:38 Wow!
2:40 Crackers, who?
2:41 I never knew cracker production could be so exciting.
2:44 But where do they make those crackers with that peanut butter already inside?
2:48 Uh, put this on and come with me, son.
2:57 Donut?
2:58 No, thanks.
2:59 Do you have any fruit?
3:00 This has purple stuff inside.
3:02 Purple is a fruit.
3:05 Uh, oh, this is a map of nuclear sites around the country.
3:09 As a safety inspector, I'm responsible for changing most of these light bulbs.
3:13 Why are there so many burnt-out ones?
3:15 Because they won't hire an assistant.
3:19 Martin, here's ten dollars to invest in the futures market.
3:23 Sorry!
3:28 Martin, you're up one million dollars.
3:31 Yes!
3:33 And now you've lost all but six hundred dollars.
3:36 You got greedy, Martin.
3:40 I'm sorry.
3:42 I guess watching me isn't any more exciting than being me.
3:44 Maybe we can make your job more fun.
3:47 What are those?
3:48 I don't know.
3:49 Well, what if we used our imaginations?
3:51 Houston!
3:53 We have a problem.
3:55 Homer 13 is spinning out of control.
3:58 I'm going after him.
4:03 Boy, this is a lot more fun with a second person.
4:12 Okay, one more step.
4:14 I just gotta go laminate your license.
4:16 You'll get it in two to three weeks.
4:18 Hot damn.
4:19 No more sitting in the dirt at the drive-in.
4:22 Bart, I left the driver's license-making machine on.
4:25 Turn it off.
4:35 25 years old.
4:37 You're not 25 years old. This idea is completely fake.
4:41 Yes, you're right, Milhouse.
4:43 It is a fake, which makes it a fake ID.
4:46 A fake ID?
4:48 Cool!
4:49 And it's our ticket to the best spring break of our lives.
4:54 One adult and two children, please.
5:00 I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.
5:06 Twenty-five.
5:08 Whoa.
5:08 Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. S., but, you know, I gotta check everybody.
5:12 What, are you kidding? I take it as a compliment.
5:15 Three beers, please.
5:18 Hey, join the party!
5:27 Spring break!
5:29 Yeah!
5:32 Well, when are we gonna get rowdy?
5:34 Maybe when we find something decent to do with this ID.
5:37 We could go rent a carpet shampooer.
5:43 Greetings, chums.
5:44 Were your days at work as profitable as mine?
5:46 I just had a sinful shopping spree at Wee World.
5:50 Well, we're having the best spring break of our lives,
5:52 and we don't need you around nerding it up.
5:54 That job is taken.
5:57 But surely I and my $600 could play some small part in your vacation fun.
6:02 Oh, yeah, right.
6:03 Like there's any way to get some kicks with a big wad of cash and a license to drive...
6:10 Wow!
6:17 Oh, boy, Slipsy! You and I are going on a road trip!
6:32 Gentlemen, for our road trip,
6:34 I have taken the liberty of preparing an airtight and utterly plausible alibi for use
6:40 on our parents.
6:42 I've been selected to represent the school at the National Grammar Rodeo at the Sheraton
6:47 Hotel in Canada.
6:49 I've been selected to represent the school at the National Grammar Rodeo at the Sheraton
6:53 Hotel in Canada.
6:54 I'm going away for a week. See ya!
6:59 The National Grammar Rodeo? I wish I were going.
7:03 Oh, wait, wait.
7:04 I mean, I wish I was going.
7:06 Is that right, Bart?
7:08 It's not fair. I'm the best student in school.
7:11 How come I never heard about this competition?
7:14 Maybe because you are, as we say in Latin, a dorkus malorkus.
7:18 That's not Latin.
7:20 Mom, Bart's faking it. Oh, honey, you've had your glory.
7:24 Now it's Bart's turn.
7:55 hit me.
7:56 He sure did.
7:59 A cup holder?
8:01 Bert, we gotta stop and get a cup.
8:04 Uh, Bert?
8:05 Cruise control, my good man.
8:07 Everybody all set back here? Nelson, good to see ya.
8:10 Martin, always a pleasure.
8:14 Whoa!
8:21 Hello? Oh, Diablo Canyon 2? Why can't you be more like Diablo Canyon 1?
8:34 Hello?
8:35 Oh, holy hello!
8:38 I can't remember the last time you called me for more...
8:40 Oh, you want to speak to Lisa?
8:45 Hi, Lisa.
8:47 How's your spring break going? I'm learning about owls.
8:50 Oh, owls, eh? So you probably wouldn't want to spend another day at work with me.
8:55 Sure I would. I can always learn about owls this summer at bird camp.
9:06 We've arrived in the vast cornfields of Canada.
9:09 How much farther to the grammar rodeo?
9:11 Grammar rodeo? We're going to a grammar rodeo?
9:15 We're not going to a grammar rodeo. That was just an alibi, Milton.
9:20 Martin. Martin.
9:21 Fellows?
9:22 What?
9:23 Where are we going?
9:26 Well, I realize it's trite, but we could tour the bridges of Madison County.
9:31 Hey, who has better vacation ideas than AAA?
9:35 According to the publisher of this AAA guidebook, no one.
9:38 I've always wanted to see Macon, Georgia.
9:41 Wait, how about a fair?
9:43 Not just a county fair, not just a Europe fair, but a world's fair.
9:48 The world's fair in Knoxville, Tennessee.
9:51 Keep reading.
9:53 The Hungarians have built a giant motorized Rubik's Cube.
9:56 And the fair symbol is the Sun Sphere,
9:58 which sits atop a 266-foot-tall steel shaft.
10:03 What's inside? An information desk.
10:06 Cool.
10:07 So, it's a choice between Disney World and Knoxville.
10:11 Knoxville! Knoxville!
10:14 I concur.
10:20 You made it!
10:21 Did you have any trouble getting past the security guards?
10:24 Security guards? Great! You want to get some lunch?
10:27 Sure.
10:28 The way I figure it, if the candy stays in the machine for more than a year,
10:32 it's up for grabs.
10:34 Why do you need me?
10:35 Well, it's a two-man operation, and you're the only man here I trust.
10:39 Ready? Ready.
10:42 Woo-hoo!
10:44 Simpson, what in God's name are you? Zagnop Bar, Mr.
10:47 Smithers, Razzles, Skittles, whatchamacallit, Twizzlers?
10:49 They all have hilarious names and are delicious.
10:52 Well, I am partial to Dolly Ranchers.
10:56 Good work, Simpson.
10:59 Simpsons.
11:01 Boy, Lisa, with you here, this hardly seems like work at all.
11:04 I don't know how I'm going to make it through my night shift without you.
11:07 We could have a slumber party. Oh, that'd be great.
11:10 Sleeping bags on the floor, a roaring fire.
11:13 It'll be just like the time they kicked me out of the sporting goods store
11:19 You kids can't keep your heads to yourself.
11:22 I'm gonna turn this car around and there'll be no Cape Canaveral for anybody
11:28 That's it back to Winnipeg
11:33 What can we stop for ice cream?
11:36 Yes
11:37 What can we weigh the car that way station?
11:41 Yeah
11:43 Bart, can we pick up that hitchhiker?
11:45 I don't see why not
11:47 Bart, can we stop for ice cream?
11:49 Yes
11:51 Well, I didn't think I was rehabilitated But I guess they needed the extra bed
11:59 With Bart gone and now you and your father I'm not gonna have anyone to Thanks, Mom, bye
12:05 Talk to What?
12:11 What is this place?
12:13 Branson, Missouri.
12:14 My dad says it's like Vegas, if it were run by Ned Flanders.
12:20 Andy Williams!
12:21 Oh, we don't need to stop here. Yes, we do!
12:28 My huckleberry friend,
12:33 more river and me.
12:45 I didn't think he was going to do Moon River, but then bam, second encore.
12:50 Okay, time for Truth or Dare. You go first.
12:53 Uh, Truth, ask me anything.
12:56 Who do you love most? Me, Bart, or Maggie?
13:00 All right, Dare.
13:02 Okay, why don't you... Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr.
13:08 Snotball.
13:09 First name Yura.
13:11 Yura Snotball? What? How dare you? If I find out who this is,
13:15 I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran.
13:20 Okay, your turn.
13:22 Truth.
13:23 Uh, do you have a crush on anyone?
13:26 Dad.
13:27 I won't tell anybody. Dad, you tell everybody everything.
13:31 Even Mo knew when I threw up on the dentist.
13:34 Mo thinks he knows a lot more than Mo knows.
13:37 Well, just give me another chance, and I'll prove I can keep your secret.
13:41 Okay.
13:43 I like...
13:45 Langdon Auger.
13:47 I have no idea who that is.
13:49 Nobody does.
13:51 He's very quiet and enjoys puzzles, but that still doesn't mean you can tell anyone.
13:56 I've already forgotten his name.
13:59 It was Larson something, right?
14:02 Thanks, Dad.
14:03 Oh, this has been the best spring break ever.
14:07 And with my patented seminar,
14:09 you will learn how to corner the real estate market through hypnosis.
14:12 Why waste your hypnotic powers on neighbors and co-workers?
14:15 I can't take this anymore.
14:19 Hmm.
14:36 Oh, there's the old Maggie there.
14:46 We're on the home stretch.
14:48 Next stop, the Knoxville World's Fair and its fabulous Sunsphere.
14:58 Hurry up, we've only got four days to spend at the...
15:01 What?
15:03 Burr?
15:10 Excuse me, is this the World's Fair Visitor Center?
15:13 Used to be, back in 1982.
15:17 You're 14 years too late.
15:20 But there's another World's Fair coming soon.
15:23 Right?
15:25 Before Friday?
15:27 What about the Sun Sphere? You mean the Wigsphere.
15:29 You're welcome to go up there if you want to see 16,000 boxes of unsold wigs.
15:36 Now, you gentlemen gonna buy some wigs or ain't ya?
15:39 Well, I guess fate was against us.
15:42 It's really nobody's fault, right?
15:46 Right?
15:47 Well, we've still got a car and a wad of cash.
15:50 Uh, no we don't.
15:53 I must have spent our last ten dollars on this Al Gore doll.
15:56 You are hearing me talk.
15:59 I hate this place.
16:06 We've got no car.
16:07 We've got no money.
16:09 And no one knows we're here.
16:11 We're surrounded.
16:14 But on the plus side, I knocked over the sun sphere.
16:25 This never would have happened if we'd gone to Macon, Georgia.
16:31 I'm just saying is all. Fellows, I think perhaps the time has come to call our parents.
16:37 No, they'd kill us.
16:38 Look, we got here on our own so we can survive here on our own.
16:41 All we need is money, food, and a way to get home.
16:43 Follow me.
16:44 Everybody remember, we're parked under the sun sphere.
16:52 Hey, I need those to see. These lenses are perfect.
16:56 Now I can re-bottom those antique Coke bottles.
17:00 300, 400, 500,
17:04 600, 500, 400, 300, 200,
17:09 100, zero.
17:12 Come on!
17:13 This train goes right through Springfield!
17:28 Well, of course I'll accept
17:31 Bart, I've missed you so much
17:34 You want to speak to Lisa
17:36 So how's the National Grammar Rodeo, Bart?
17:39 Lisa,
17:39 I really need your help So I'm going to let you in on a secret There's no such thing I
17:43 knew it I knew it because why would they have our national grammar rodeo in another
17:47 nation? Oh, Bart, you're going to be in so much trouble and...
17:49 I'm in trouble already. Here's what happened.
17:57 So you've got to think of a way I can come home for free.
18:00 Hmm.
18:00 You could travel for free if you were a stewardess.
18:04 Well, how badly do you want to get home?
18:06 All right, all right. How about a courier?
18:08 They travel for free, too.
18:10 No, that's a terrier. They're dogs.
18:15 Well, you sure don't look 25,
18:17 but your unlaminated out-of-state driver's license is proof enough for me.
18:21 Here's your first assignment.
18:32 Go inside.
18:35 What the?
18:40 Can we call our parents yet, Bart?
18:44 Lisa, this isn't working. I've got to courier something to Springfield,
18:48 and it's got to be big enough to fit Milhouse, Martin, and Nelson inside.
18:52 Bart, that'll cost a fortune.
18:54 Simpson, how'd you like to escort 500 Big Macs to Marlon Brando's Island?
18:58 Oh, I can't take much more of this. I'm counting on you, Lise.
19:09 Oui.
19:10 What's wrong, honey?
19:11 There's something troubling me, Dad.
19:12 but I don't think I can tell you because it's a secret.
19:15 Well, you don't have to tell me, but I thought we trusted each other with our secrets now.
19:19 I mean, I haven't told a soul about your new boyfriend.
19:23 Langdon Auger? Oh, I don't like him anymore.
19:26 Okay, but you gotta promise you won't get mad or tell anyone, especially Bart.
19:30 I promise.
19:31 Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license and drove Milhouse, Nelson,
19:34 and Martin to a wig outlet in Knoxville and the car got crushed and they're out of money
19:36 and they can't get home and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong.
19:40 Yes, that's a real pickle.
19:44 Would you excuse me for a moment?
19:57 All right, I have thought this through.
20:00 I will send Bart the money to fly home.
20:03 Then I will murder him. No, no, then he'll know I told.
20:07 Dad, you said I could trust you.
20:11 Okay, we'll work this out together.
20:14 First things first, where is Knoxville? It's in Tennessee,
20:17 right next to the Oak Ridge Nuclear Facility, birthplace of the atomic bomb.
20:22 Oh, maybe we could order something from Oak Ridge.
20:25 And Bart could be the courier.
20:29 Hello, Oak Ridge.
20:30 This is Springfield Nuclear.
20:32 We need to order a, uh...
20:37 T-437 safety command console.
20:40 Uh, Springfield, my computer shows your T-437 is fully operational.
20:46 I'm just jetting you. Oh, my God. Oh, God, no!
20:49 Oh, this can't be happening.
20:50 You're operating that on T-437, Springfield?
20:54 Oh, sweet mother of mercy, I mean... I mean, my God!
20:57 And have it sent to the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, care of Homer J.
21:03 No, don't use your real name or Bart will know.
21:05 Forget the name Homer Simpson.
21:07 Have it sent care of Langdon Auger.
21:15 Hey!
21:16 We could use another air hole!
21:19 Shh!
21:19 They'll know you're in there.
21:24 But I don't think I'd go back again next year.
21:26 It's getting too commercial.
21:28 They've forgotten it's supposed to be about the grammar.
21:39 Hello?
21:41 Oh, hello, Principal Skinner.
21:43 No, Bart has never been to Hong Kong.
21:47 Good night.
21:51 Hello? Tennessee State Police.
21:54 No, my son's car was not crushed in Knoxville.
21:57 I don't know where to begin telling you what's wrong with that.
22:02 Hello?
22:04 No, Bart is not available tomorrow to deliver a human kidney to Amsterdam.
22:11 Homer, are you laughing at me?
22:40 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Principal Skinner, Barney Gumble, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Nelson Muntz, Martin Prince, Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier, Wendell Borton, Jimbo Jones, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Kirk Van Houten, Larry Dalrymple, Luann Van Houten, Sam, Gareth Prince, Superintendent Chalmers, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Gloria Prince, Cletus Spuckler, Lurleen Lumpkin, Tyler Gables, Al Gore, Tyler's Brother, Tyler's Sister, Dispatcher, Hitchhiker, Hocksville Tennessee Clerk, Oak Ridge Employee, Ralph Gables, Wig Outlet Employee

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character