A Fish Called Selma

The Simpsons, season 7, episode 19. First aired March 24, 1996. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← The Day the Violence Died Bart on the Road → The whole episode as text

From “A Fish Called Selma”: “it's a lot cheaper than going to the movies.” — it's a lot cheaper than going to the movies.

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About the episode

Faded actor Troy McClure, dogged by strange rumors, offers Selma Bouvier a dinner date if she lets him pass his DMV eye test. Being seen with her revives his career, so his agent, MacArthur Parker, has him propose, landing him the lead in a hit Planet of the Apes musical. Selma learns the marriage is a publicity stunt and leaves when Troy wants a baby to help his career.

Written by: Jack Barth
Directed by: Mark Kirkland
Guest stars: Phil Hartman as Troy McClure; Phil Hartman as Fat Tony; Jeff Goldblum as MacArthur Parker
Couch gag: Mechanical Family
Production code: 3F15

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

349 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:04 The Simpsons
0:26 Movie for a rained out ball game now returns to Diane Cannon, Troy McClure,
0:31 and the Muppets in the 1977 film The Muppets Go Medieval.
0:36 Oh, Princess Fair, wils thou grant me thine dainty hoof in marriage?
0:40 Oh, Sir Lieselot, I will.
0:46 Unhandy swine, you swain.
0:48 Come, piggy.
0:49 Back to Hemelot. Not now, frog.
0:52 Me and Ironpants are just getting acquainted.
0:55 Ah!
0:57 Watch it!
0:58 Dad, what's a Muppet?
1:00 Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man!
1:07 So to answer your question, I don't know.
1:09 Why'd they make that one Muppet out of leather?
1:11 That's not a leather Muppet, that's Troy McClure.
1:14 Oh, back in the 70s, he was quite the teen heartthrob.
1:17 Yeah, who'd have thought he'd turn out to be such a weirdo?
1:20 What are you talking about?
1:21 You know, his bizarre personal life.
1:24 Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium.
1:27 Why, I heard... Oh, Homer, that's just an urban legend.
1:30 People don't do that type of thing with fish.
1:33 Troy McClure is a perfect gentleman, like Bing Crosby or JFK.
1:37 I wonder where Troy is now.
1:44 Hey,
1:47 these guys are all over the road.
1:55 All right, Captain Rush Rush, out of the car.
1:58 Oh, I'm seeing stars here.
2:02 No, just one.
2:03 Hi, I'm Troy McClure.
2:05 You may remember me from such films as The Greatest Story Ever Hoolered,
2:08 and they came to burgle Carnegie Hall.
2:12 I'm afraid not. License, please.
2:15 Says here you need corrective lenses.
2:17 Put those glasses on, mister.
2:20 You wouldn't ask a handsome man like me to wear glasses.
2:23 It'd be a crime against nature.
2:28 Gah!
2:29 Well, they do kind of make you look like a nerd.
2:31 Tell you what, just get out of the DMV tomorrow and try to pass that eye test.
2:35 I'll tear up this ticket, but I'm still gonna have to ask you for a bribe.
2:43 Hello, Marge.
2:44 Hello, Marge. Ugh.
2:46 How come no Chippendales dancer has ever come in to renew their licenses?
2:50 They carpool.
2:52 That's the problem.
2:55 Hey!
2:56 I came here to get this revoked!
2:59 Troy McClure? I thought he disappeared after that scandal at the aquarium.
3:04 Hey, I thought you said Troy McClure was dead.
3:06 No, what I said was he sleeps with the fishes.
3:10 You see... Tony, please, no. I just ate a whole plate of dingamagoo.
3:16 Oh, Troy McClure.
3:24 Oh, hello, beautiful.
3:26 John Lahr tells me I might need to wear these glasses.
3:29 You?
3:30 Ha-ha.
3:31 Nonsense.
3:31 You're Troy McClure.
3:33 I remember you from such films as Meet Joe Blow and Give My Remains to Broadway.
3:39 Stars like you don't need glasses.
3:42 Ugh.
3:45 Now, Mr. McClure, would you like to take off those glasses and read the top line?
3:54 Uh, W7...
3:57 Star Pound...
3:59 Look, Miss Bouvier, as an actor, I depend on my remarkable looks.
4:06 If you could find it in your heart to pass me,
4:08 I'm sure I could find some way to repay you.
4:12 Mubble.
4:13 Say, by buying you dinner?
4:19 That took a lot of class
4:26 All these celebrities on the walls I just know a big star like you is up there somewhere
4:31 Uh, yes, I'm over there
4:43 So, working at the DMV must be very interesting Well,
4:48 I think I'm getting repetitive stress disorder from scratching my butt all day
4:54 Being a huge movie star must be good too What are you working on now?
4:59 I've been reading a lot of scripts lately You know,
5:02 it's a lot cheaper than going to the movies.
5:09 Well, thanks for holding up your end of the bargain.
5:12 I had a pretty good time. Yeah, me too. You need a ride somewhere?
5:16 Hey, get a load of this.
5:18 Try McClure and what looks like a date.
5:22 Here you go, boys.
5:23 A little something for page one.
5:30 Hey, Homer, isn't this your sister-in-law on a date with Troy McClure?
5:34 Troy McClure? He's a washed-up movie star.
5:37 He could be dating washed-up supermodels.
5:39 Oh, I don't know.
5:41 Maybe those rumors about his fish fetish weren't true after all.
5:45 This changes everything. I'd pay to see him in a movie now.
5:48 If only that were possible.
5:54 Troy, my man, it's MacArthur Parker MacArthur Parker, the agent?
5:59 MacArthur Parker, my agent?
6:01 Just checking in, my friend So how's my favorite client?
6:04 We haven't spoken in eight years Yes, so I saw the papers today,
6:09 Troy Looking good,
6:11 that wholesome stuff really helps When I'm trying to find your work You haven't found me
6:15 work in 12 years Oh, you, jury duty is work And listen,
6:19 you keep getting seen in public with human females,
6:21 and I can get you work in the entertainment industry.
6:27 Hey.
6:32 Hello, Selma Bouvier.
6:34 It's Troy McClure.
6:35 You may remember me from such dates as last night's dinner.
6:42 That's right, boys.
6:43 Troy's back from the gutter, and he's brought someone with him.
6:48 That's too funny I can't remember when I've heard a funnier anecdote
6:53 Okay, now you tell one Well,
6:55 not much happens to me But I once had dinner with a movie star And it was the
7:01 most wonderful night of my life Really?
7:05 Who was it, George Segal? I hear he plays the banjo
7:14 Excuse me, I ordered a Z not emphysema? Please, don't smoke in our restaurant.
7:20 We don't serve contemporary California cuisine in your lungs.
7:27 Troy, I'm sorry I ruined our evening.
7:30 I have to go now.
7:32 Oh, my God.
7:37 Oh, God.
7:39 I'm such a fool.
7:41 Got a light?
7:54 Sounds like you're really falling for him.
7:57 What's the matter?
7:58 I'm not fun enough for you? Patty?
8:01 Go on, Selma. Tell me more.
8:02 I don't want to jinx it, Marge. But this could be it.
8:06 He asked me out again this Friday.
8:08 He's taking me to a special screening of his latest film.
8:16 You know, smoke actually smells good when it's coming out of you.
8:21 I'm all out.
8:23 Yeah, try one of my cigars.
8:34 My God, it's like five cigarettes at once.
8:38 My head is swimming.
8:40 That's not cigars, baby.
8:42 That's love. No longer canst I conceal my love, my wimpled turtle dove.
8:49 O Princess Fair, wilt thou grant me thine dainty hoof in marriage?
8:54 O Troy, I will.
9:03 Just a second, baby.
9:10 Tonight, 70s leading man Troy McClure has finally met the woman of his dreams.
9:15 We may remember... Woman?
9:17 Huh.
9:18 Okay.
9:19 We may remember Troy from such films as The Verdict Was Male Fraud and Leper in the
9:23 Backfield.
9:28 With his high-profile romance,
9:30 Troy's managed to shake the rumors that have dogged his career.
9:33 And with news of his upcoming wedding, rumor has it he's up for some very choice roles.
9:39 Looks like you were wrong when you called him a washed-up deviant, eh, Laurie?
9:43 All right.
9:44 Make sure my iguana's okay.
9:49 Selma Jeb Jeb is fantastic.
9:51 He's everywhere you want to be.
9:54 Welcome to your new home, baby. It's fantastic.
10:01 Garbage collection is Monday. If you want to throw out a box shaft to cut it up.
10:04 It's so modern.
10:06 It's ultra-modern. Like living in the not-too-distant future.
10:10 Now, you make yourself at home here. I'll be sleeping downstairs in the visitor's center.
10:14 Oh.
10:15 Okay.
10:16 I'll see you in the morning. And get ready for tennis.
10:19 It comes on at ten.
10:23 Troy, Mac Parker. Ever hear of Planet of the Apes?
10:28 The movie or the planet? The brand new multi-million dollar musical.
10:33 And you are starring as the human.
10:37 It's the part I was born to play, baby.
10:48 Help, the human's about to escape. Get your paws off me, you dirty ape.
10:54 He can talk. He can talk, he can talk, he can talk, he can talk, he can talk.
10:59 He can talk! I can sing!
11:03 Ooh, help me, Dr. Zayas!
11:07 Dr. Zayas, Dr. Zayas!
11:14 Oh, Dr. Zayas!
11:16 Dr. Zayas, Dr. Zayas! What's wrong with me?
11:19 I think you're crazy. Want a second opinion?
11:22 You're all so lazy! Dr. Zayas, Dr. Zayas!
11:25 Dr. Zayas, Dr. Zayas!
11:28 Dr. Zayas, Dr. Zayas Oh, Dr. Zayas Dr. Zayas, Dr.
11:33 Zayas Can I play the piano anymore?
11:36 Of course you can Well, I couldn't before
11:44 This play has everything Oh, I love legitimate theater Dr.
11:49 Zayas, Dr.
11:50 Zayas I hate every ape I see From chimpan
11:56 A to chimpanzee No,
11:59 you'll never make a monkey out of me
12:05 Oh my God,
12:07 I was wrong It was Earth all along
12:12 You finally made a monkey Yes,
12:21 you finally made a monkey
12:26 out of me.
12:34 I love you, Dr. Zayas.
12:42 Thank you.
12:44 It's great to be back. I just want to say,
12:46 I wouldn't be here without the support of a very special lady.
12:49 My always outrageous fiancée, Selma Take a bow, sugar beet
12:56 Down in front
13:00 My good looks paid for that pool And my talent filled it with water Hi,
13:05 I'm Troy McClure, your future uncle Hi,
13:07 I remember you from such film strips as Locker Room Towel Fight,
13:11 The Blinding of Larry Driscoll You know,
13:13 I was one of the first to speak out against horseplay Uh-huh Remember when we were kids we
13:19 used to dream about our ideal husbands.
13:22 Who knew the dream would come true for one of us?
13:27 Oh, come on. Guess which one? I know. I know.
13:31 It's Elmer, right?
13:32 Yeah, that's a good idea, Homer, but they've already made some movies about World War II.
13:38 Oh, hell.
13:40 Well, what about Dracula?
13:43 Homer, I'm really touched you invited me out on the town.
13:45 You're gonna be a four-star brother-in-law.
13:49 Troy, buddy, I gotta know.
13:52 What's a great guy like you wanna marry a guy like Selma?
13:56 Come here, Homer. Okay.
13:58 I'll let you in on a little secret.
14:00 This is what I say for you.
14:08 And to you, Selma Bouvier, Terwilliger Bouvier,
14:12 take the fabulous Troy McClure to be your lawful wedded husband.
14:15 I already told you, yes.
14:17 If anyone here knows why this couple should not be wed in holy matrimony,
14:21 let him speak now, or forever hold his peace.
14:29 Da-da-da-da-da! Hey!
14:32 Da-da-da-da! Da-da-da-da!
14:35 Hey!
14:37 I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may now kiss each other.
14:49 This is the best day of my life. It's a good day for me too, baby.
14:54 Now smile.
14:55 We're going to be on every newsstand in the country.
15:04 Hey, look what I snagged, Marge. The candy bride and groom from the wedding cake.
15:17 Mmm, pointy.
15:19 It was a beautiful wedding.
15:22 I've never seen Selma happier.
15:24 That reminds me. Troy said something interesting last night at the bar.
15:28 Apparently he doesn't really love Selma and the marriage is just a sham to help his
15:31 career.
15:31 Well, enough talk. Let's snuggle.
15:34 What?
15:35 Oh my god!
15:39 March, could you close your eyes? I'm trying to sleep.
15:43 There.
15:51 This better be important. It's my wedding night.
15:54 I'm trying to sleep.
15:55 Hey, sleep is for has-beens, my friend. And you're about to have a very crowded schedule.
15:59 This marriage scam is paying off big time.
16:02 Phone for you.
16:03 D. McSee. Troy, darling, come to bed.
16:07 I want to see the Troy McClure I remember from such films as Make Out King of Montana and
16:12 The Electric Gigolo.
16:16 Yeah, in a minute, darling.
16:18 Well, she may be helping my career, but she's starting to cramp my style.
16:22 Oh, who cares? The offers are rolling in.
16:25 Paramount wants you for a buddy comedy with Rob Lowe and Hugh Grant.
16:28 Those sick freaks! Okay, then get this.
16:31 I think they want you to play McBane's sidekick in...
16:35 Brace yourself for the new McBane movie.
16:38 McBane's sidekick? Hot damn!
16:40 I'm going to SeaWorld!
16:43 So, Mark, about you and Troy,
16:46 we're not sure he's all he seems.
16:50 Marge is right. He's wrong for you. Better you find out sooner than later.
16:55 Wrong for me?
16:56 How?
16:57 Oh, I get it. My sisters have come down with a case.
17:01 of the green-eyed gazungas. I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
17:05 You're stuck in a menial job you'll be doing ten years after you die.
17:09 And you're tied down to a man who'd have to bathe to be a slob.
17:13 Selma, Troy doesn't love you at all.
17:16 He's only using you to scrutch the rumors about his bizarre personal life and further his
17:20 career.
17:23 You don't know what you're talking about.
17:25 I have to go now and see Troy.
17:37 Is this a sham marriage?
17:40 Sure, baby. Is that a problema?
17:42 You married me just to help your career?
17:45 You make it sound so sordid. Look, don't we have a good time together?
17:49 Yes, but... Don't you have everything you ever wanted here?
17:52 Money, security, a big, hot, flat rock for Jub-Jub?
17:55 But don't you love me?
17:58 Sure I do. Like I love Fresca. Isn't that enough?
18:03 The only difference between our marriage and anyone else's is we know ours is a sham.
18:08 Are you gay?
18:09 Gay?
18:10 I wish.
18:12 If I were gay, there'd be no problem. No, what I have is a romantic abnormality.
18:17 One so unbelievable that it must be hidden from the public at all costs.
18:21 Stop!
18:23 You're asking me to live a lie.
18:25 I don't know if I can do that. It's remarkably easy.
18:30 Just smile for the cameras and enjoy Mr.
18:33 Troy's wild ride.
18:34 You'll go to the right parties, meet the right people.
18:37 Sure, you'll be a sham wife, but you'll be the envy of every other sham wife in town.
18:42 So what do you say, baby?
18:46 Tell me again about Mr. Troy's wild ride.
18:58 One day, my lady Selma's gonna have a star right next to mine So watch out,
19:03 Laszlo Panaflex
19:05 Tonight,
19:07 all Hollywoods wondering who'll be chosen to co-star in the big new McBain pick McBain 4,
19:12 Fatal Discharge
19:15 Oh, you watching? Mac, you gotta get me that part I will,
19:18 but you've got to do something for me.
19:20 Problem is, the big parts these days are all going to family men.
19:23 But I already got married!
19:25 You have it for a role like this, you've got to pour it on.
19:27 You and a wife have got to have a baby.
19:30 A baby, eh?
19:31 What do I do?
19:32 I'll send you over a pamphlet.
19:34 Listen, you can't buy that kind of PR, but you can get it for nothing by having a baby.
19:38 Which, by the way, your insurance will cover except for the deductible,
19:40 which I'll reimburse you for if you get the part, which you will if you have a baby.
19:43 Say, Troy, be in.
19:45 Okay, now listen.
19:47 Let's talk baby names. You can't use Montana, Dakota, or Florida.
19:51 They're taken.
19:53 Oregon?
19:54 Oh, Pacific Northwest. Very hot.
19:58 Having a child?
19:59 That's a big step. You bet it is.
20:02 Think what it'll mean.
20:03 Not just the McBain movie, but maybe my own fragrance.
20:06 Smelling of Troy.
20:08 It is probably my last chance to be a mommy.
20:12 Cigarette, Mrs. McClure? You bet.
20:14 From now on, she's smoking for two.
20:22 Come here, tiger.
20:28 Would you like some wine?
20:30 Yes.
20:38 Why don't you come over here and make yourself more comfortable?
20:44 No.
20:45 Why don't you come over here and make yourself comfortable?
20:49 I'm sorry. This whole concept's foreign to me.
20:52 Who knew a baby would be so much work?
20:54 Having a baby isn't supposed to be work.
20:58 It's supposed to be an expression of the feelings we're supposed to have for each other.
21:03 Oh.
21:04 Like how we built that snowman together in that Newport ad?
21:07 Remember how alive with pleasure they said we were?
21:18 Look, I'm sorry. A loveless marriage is one thing.
21:21 We're not hurting anybody.
21:23 But bringing a child into a loveless family is something I just can't do.
21:28 Oh, great.
21:29 We'll adopt. I'll call my agent. He'll find some kid who wants in on the deal.
21:34 Goodbye, Troy.
21:35 I'll always remember you, but not from your films.
21:48 Come on, Jug-Jug. Let's go home and I'll microwave you some nice roaches.
22:01 In a bold move that has stunned Hollywood insiders,
22:04 newly divorced comeback kid Troy McClure has turned down the supporting lead in McBain 4
22:09 to direct and star in his own pet project,
22:12 the contrabulous fabtraption of Professor Horatio Huffnagle.
22:16 Will the gambit pay off?
22:18 20th Century Fox is betting it will.
22:42 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Grampa Simpson, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Dr. Hibbert, Kent Brockman, Patty Bouvier, Reverend Lovejoy, Selma Bouvier, Mayor Quimby, Troy McClure, Bumblebee Man, Rainier Wolfcastle, Princess Kashmir, Fat Tony, Jacqueline Bouvier, Louie, Arnie Pye, Mr. Teeny, Tito Puente, Barry White, Elizabeth Taylor, Adam West, Birch Barlow, Brad Goodman, Brooke Shields, Dennis Franz, Jub-Jub Bouvier, Bette Midler, Conan O'Brien, James Woods, Kermit the Frog, David Crosby, Dr. Zaius, Leonard Nimoy, Lori, MacArthur Parker, Miss Piggy, Sting, Tony Bennett

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character