The Day the Violence Died

The Simpsons, season 7, episode 18. First aired March 17, 1996. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

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From “The Day the Violence Died”: “You invented itchy? The itchy and scratchy itchy?” — You invented itchy? The itchy and scratchy itchy?

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About the episode

During the 75th-anniversary parade for Itchy & Scratchy, Bart meets Chester J. Lampwick, a homeless man who says he created Itchy and was robbed of the idea by studio founder Roger Meyers Sr. Bart helps him sue Roger Meyers Jr., and a signed 1919 drawing wins Lampwick $800 billion, but the verdict bankrupts the studio and pulls the cartoon off the air.

Written by: John Swartzwelder
Directed by: Wes Archer
Guest stars: Phil Hartman as Lionel Hutz; Alex Rocco as Roger Meyers Jr.; Kirk Douglas as Chester J. Lampwick; Suzanne Somers
Couch gag: Colored
Production code: 3F16

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

325 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:24 We now return to our 48-hour, itchy and scratchy Diamond Jubilee Marathon.
0:29 celebrating 75 years of rib-tickling brutality and hilarious atrocities.
1:21 Lisa, if I ever stop loving violence, I want you to shoot me.
1:25 Will do. Tonight, a stowaway bear is terrorizing space shuttle astronauts.
1:29 But first, a sneak peek at tomorrow's itchy and scratchy parade.
1:32 Hello, everybody. I'm here live on Main Street,
1:35 where dedicated fans are already staking out the best seats for the big anniversary
1:38 parade.
1:40 Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.
1:42 Bye, kids. On your way back, pick up a six-pack of beer.
1:45 Bart, Lisa, it's 11 o'clock at night. Where do you think you're going?
1:49 Downtown.
1:50 We gotta get seats for the itchy and scratchy parade.
1:52 I won't have my children sitting alone on a cold, dangerous street all night.
1:57 Home are you go to?
1:58 Oh, why can't they just take the gun?
2:06 Hey, the comic book store is still open.
2:10 Save our seats. Will do.
2:12 Hello.
2:21 Hey, sister, just give me a chance to get next to you.
2:31 Hey!
2:36 Hey, my friends, baby!
2:38 How come I've never seen that itchy and scratchy before?
2:41 Perhaps because you are a prepubescent ignoramus?
2:43 This is a bootleg copy of Itchy and Scratchy meets Fritz the Cat.
2:46 Because of its frank depiction of sex and narcotic consumption,
2:50 it is not for infantile intellects such as yours.
2:52 Now, toodle-oo.
2:58 Cool.
3:00 I'll give you ten bucks for that.
3:02 Are you the creator of High and Lowest? Because you are making me laugh.
3:05 That drawing is worth exactly $750 American.
3:08 It's valuable, huh?
3:09 Your powers of deduction are exceptional.
3:11 I simply can't allow you to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved
3:15 at this very moment.
3:16 Go, go, for the good of the city.
3:19 Loser.
3:24 Oh, nerds.
3:29 Which one did you, the car? The mouse. Oh, I guess that's not him then.
3:33 Represented on this next float is Roger Meyer Sr.,
3:36 who founded his company in 1921 and struck it big when he teamed up a mouse named
3:42 Itchy with a cat named Scratchy.
3:45 Here we see him creating the tune of a comical character out of thoughts he plucks from
3:51 his head.
3:51 And that man waving from the front of the float is his son, Roger Myers, Jr.
3:56 Oh, isn't this just the most fun you've ever had in your life, Dave?
4:00 Yes, Suzanne, it is.
4:11 Oh, forget this. I'm out of here.
4:19 And now the parade has entered Bumptown.
4:22 Oh, it's all just so exciting, Dave.
4:24 This certainly seems to be a poorly planned parade route.
4:32 Uh-oh.
4:35 Hey, wait up!
4:41 Get out of bum town, you no-talent bum.
4:44 Show some respect, man. That no-talent created itchy and scratchy.
4:47 He didn't create itchy. I did.
4:50 Huh?
4:51 He stole a character from me in 1928.
4:53 When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office and dropped an anvil on me.
4:58 Luckily, I was carrying an umbrella at the time.
5:01 You invented itchy? The itchy and scratchy itchy?
5:05 Sure.
5:05 In fact, I invented the whole concept of cartoon violin.
5:09 Before I came along, all cartoon animals did was play the ukulele.
5:13 I changed all that. Well, I'm not calling you a liar, but...
5:18 But I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.
5:21 So I'm a liar, am I?
5:25 Itchy the Lucky Mouse in Manhattan Madness.
5:28 That's the first itchy cartoon ever made.
5:30 And it was made by me, Chester J. Lampwood.
5:34 Find me a 90-year-old projector and I'll prove it to you.
5:55 Itchy runs afoul of an Irishman.
6:00 Look out, Itchy! He's Irish!
6:09 Come on, Edgy, kill him! Kill that guy!
6:12 A chance for more, Miss... Look at that fat oaf.
6:18 Shh, that's Teddy Roosevelt!
6:37 Way to go!
6:41 I can't believe it.
6:43 That was itchy, all right. You did invent him.
6:45 When people see this, you'll be rich and famous.
6:53 Duh.
6:56 That was a nice film I had once.
6:59 Last time I tried to impress a four-year-old.
7:02 Well, see you, kid.
7:04 You can't just go back to the gutter. You created Itchy.
7:08 You should be a millionaire.
7:09 Eh, Roger Myers wouldn't give me a cent in the 20s.
7:12 Why would he give me anything now? You asked Roger Myers Sr.
7:15 for money. Roger Myers Jr. is in charge of the studio now.
7:19 He's a good man.
7:20 Every Christmas,
7:21 he goes down to the pound and rescues one cat and one mouse and gives them to a hungry
7:24 family.
7:26 The studio's closed until Tuesday.
7:28 Animators have AA on Monday. Hmm.
7:31 Well, you can stay at my house until then.
7:33 My parents won't mind because they won't even know about it.
7:36 All right, the coast is clear.
7:40 There's a box you can sleep in.
7:42 Thanks. Just move that cot out of the way.
7:44 Okay.
7:45 Do you know what radon is? No.
7:47 Good night.
7:49 Spare change?
7:54 Mom, there's a weird smell and a lot of cursing coming from the basement,
7:58 and Dad's upstairs.
8:05 Oh, it's just Barton, a mysterious stranger.
8:09 He's not a regular bum, Mom. He's a genius bum.
8:12 He created Itchy, and he's the father of cartoon violence.
8:16 He just needs to stay here till tomorrow.
8:19 We're going down to Itchy and Scratchy Studios to pick up his check.
8:22 If it's just for one more night.
8:31 So let's review.
8:32 You two screwballs have just strolled in here fresh from the sewer and given me a bunch of
8:37 bulldink about creating itchy with no proof at all, and you expect me to give you...
8:43 how much?
8:46 $800 billion.
8:52 Well, that brought back a lot of memories.
8:59 All right, gentlemen, I'll take your case,
9:01 but I'm going to have to ask for a thousand dollar retainer A thousand dollars?
9:05 But your ad says no money down
9:09 Oh, they got this all screwed up
9:16 So you don't work on a contingency basis?
9:19 No, money down Oops, shouldn't have this bar association logo here either
9:31 Hey, Dad, can I have $1,000?
9:33 All right. Wait a minute. For what? To pay for a lawyer for my bum.
9:37 Forget it.
9:44 I thought I recognized you.
9:47 I gave you a plate of corn muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop,
9:52 and you never did it. Those corn muffins were lousy.
9:56 Paint my chicken coat. Make me.
10:01 That does it. One of them has to go.
10:04 Okay, Grandpa.
10:05 No, the B-U-M.
10:08 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
10:09 There's an easy way to get rid of Chester without the guilt of sending him back to the
10:12 gutter.
10:13 And all it will cost you is $1,000.
10:23 Exhibit A.
10:25 Steamboat Itchy, dated 1928.
10:27 The very first itchy and scratchy cartoon.
10:30 And the credits clearly state, written, directed,
10:34 and created by Roger Myers.
10:37 Music by Roger Myers and George Gershwin.
10:39 Produced by Roger Myers and Joseph P. Kennedy.
10:42 Copyright 1928 by Roger Myers.
10:46 You will also notice Mr.
10:48 Myers' name and copyright notice on the original drawings of the other members of the
10:52 itchy and scratchy family. Brown-nosed bear, disgruntled goat, flatulent fox,
10:57 rich uncle skeleton, and dinner dog.
11:01 My client's film predates all of those things, Your Honor.
11:04 Oh, yes, I've forgotten. Your famous film,
11:09 the one you destroyed before the trial and haven't been able to find another copy of.
11:14 Oh, yes, that film.
11:16 Yes.
11:17 You don't have a copy, do you?
11:19 Krusty, have you ever seen this so-called animation genius before?
11:24 Yes, I have. You have? I gave him a couple of blinches to paint my fence,
11:29 but he never did it. Those blinches were terrible.
11:32 Paint my fence. Make me.
11:34 You give me those blinches, then. Order, order.
11:37 We don't care about your blinches.
11:40 Now, Mr. Lampwick, when Roger Myers stole your character...
11:44 Objection. So stern.
11:46 If I hear objection and sustain one more time today, I think I'm going to scream.
11:50 Objection. So stern.
11:53 Roger Myers didn't create any of his characters.
11:56 He stole them all.
11:59 The only characters Myers could ever come up with were pathetic stick figures with the
12:04 words sarcastic horse and manic mailman printed on them.
12:07 And they stank. So he started stealing other people's characters.
12:12 That's a lie.
12:13 Are you saying, under oath, Mr. Myers,
12:16 that your father didn't steal any of the characters associated with your studio?
12:20 Well, I don't think I am under oath, but yes, my father created them all.
12:25 Except for Flatulent Fox. That was based on a true story.
12:28 But he did create Itchy. That's one thing I am sure of.
12:31 Mr. Hutch, we've been in here for four hours.
12:34 Do you have any evidence at all? Well, Your Honor,
12:37 we've got plenty of hearsay and conjecture.
12:39 Those are kinds of evidence. Your Honor, I move for dismissal.
12:47 I've got it.
12:48 Dad, give me $750.
12:49 Okay.
12:52 Keep the trial going. I'll be right back.
12:54 Your Honor, I'd like to call all of my surprise witnesses again.
13:07 Thank you.
13:09 I knew I had seen this exact scene somewhere else.
13:12 It was in the movie Mr. Lampwick showed me.
13:15 Ladies and gentlemen, this drawing was made in 1919,
13:18 nine years before Roger Myers made his first itchy and scratchy cartoon.
13:23 That could have been drawn by anyone at any time, Your Honor.
13:26 There's no signature or date.
13:29 Look under the frame, Brad.
13:31 Careful.
13:34 Whoops. It's there!
13:36 Hmm.
13:37 To Roger Myers, keep drawing.
13:40 Your moxie more than makes up for your lack of talent.
13:43 Your pal, Chester J. Lampwick, September 3, 1919.
13:51 Okay, maybe my dad did steal Itchy, but so what?
13:55 Animation is built on plagiarism.
13:58 If it weren't for someone plagiarizing the Honeymooners, we wouldn't have the Flintstones.
14:02 If someone hadn't ripped off Sergeant Bilko, there'd be no top cat.
14:07 Huckaberry Hound, Chief Wiggum, Yogi Bear.
14:10 Andy Griffith, Edward G. Robinson, R. Carney.
14:13 Your Honor, you take away our right to steal ideas.
14:16 Where are they gonna come from? Her?
14:22 How about... Ghost Mutt?
14:25 The court rules in favor of Mr. Lampwick.
14:28 Itchy and Scratchy Studios will pay a restitution of $800 billion.
14:32 So that amount will probably come down a bit on appeal.
14:44 I hope you're happy, kid.
14:46 The studio's bankrupt.
14:48 You just killed Itchy and Scratchy.
14:53 We killed Itchy and Scratchy? Good riddance.
14:57 Want to go celebrate? I feel like liver and onions.
15:13 What are you going to do with all your money, Mr.
15:15 Lampwick? Well, first off, here's your $1,000 back for hiring that lawyer.
15:21 And $750 for the drawing.
15:23 And here's a couple of bucks for your trouble.
15:25 Woo-hoo!
15:26 Look, Marge, a couple of bucks. As for the rest of it,
15:29 I'm going to buy the one thing I've been dreaming of all the years I spent in the gutter.
15:34 A solid gold house.
15:44 Well, itch and scratchy are gone. But here's a cartoon that tries to make learning fun.
15:52 Sorry about this, kids.
15:54 But stay tuned. We got some real good toy commercials coming right up.
15:57 I swear
16:00 Who left all this garbage on the steps of Congress I'm not garbage I'm
16:06 an amendment to be Yes an amendment to be And I'm hoping that they'll
16:12 ratify me There's a lot of flag burners Who have got too much
16:18 freedom I want to make it legal For policemen to beat them Cause there's limits
16:24 to our liberties At least I hope and pray that there are Cause those
16:30 liberal freaks go too far
16:33 Why can't we just make a law against flag burning?
16:37 Because that law would be unconstitutional.
16:40 But if we change the Constitution...
16:42 Then we could make all sorts of crazy laws.
16:45 Now you're catching on. What the hell is this?
16:48 It's one of those can-be-70s throwbacks that appeals to Generation Xers.
16:52 We need another Vietnam to thin up their ranks a little.
16:54 What if people say you're not good enough to be in the Constitution?
16:58 Then I'll crush all opposition to me And I'll make Ted Kennedy pay
17:04 If he fights back, I'll say that he's gay
17:08 Good news, Amendment.
17:10 They ratified ya. You're in the U.S. Constitution.
17:15 Oh, yeah.
17:16 Doors open, boys.
17:24 So it's true.
17:26 Some cartoons do encourage violence.
17:29 Ow!
17:30 We gotta get Itchy and Scratchy back. And soon!
17:33 Ow!
17:37 You've got to make more Itchy and Scratchy cartoons.
17:40 The judge says it's okay as long as you pay Mr.
17:42 Lampwick royalties.
17:44 Royalties?
17:45 I don't have the money to produce the cartoons.
17:48 I lost everything.
17:50 I can't even keep my dad's head in the freaking cryogenic center anymore.
17:56 They're comfortable in there, Daddy.
17:58 Look, if money's the only problem, I know a guy who has lots of it.
18:05 Shoeshine, sir.
18:07 Comb your hair for you.
18:08 Sir?
18:12 Okay.
18:13 Catch you on the way back.
18:15 Oh, hi, kids.
18:16 Hi, Chester. Listen, would you pay to make more Eugene Scratchy cartoons?
18:19 You'll get more royalties. I don't need any more money.
18:22 I'm not greedy.
18:23 As long as I've got my health and my millions of dollars and my gold house and my rocket
18:28 car, I don't need anything else. Yes, but...
18:31 Not interested.
18:35 Dad, can we have $183,000?
18:38 What for?
18:39 Lisa and I want to finance a series of animated cartoons.
18:42 Oh, forget it.
18:48 I give up. There's nothing we can do.
18:51 Yeah, I agree.
18:52 You want to start on trying to get our poo out of jail?
18:55 Okay.
18:59 Wait, kids, you can't give up on Etchy and Scratchy.
19:01 You're always so good at these things.
19:03 Like, together, you've reunited Krusty with his father,
19:06 gotten Principal Skinner's job back, and helped Dr.
19:09 Riviera perform open-heart surgery on your father.
19:12 You've even foiled Sideshow Bob on five separate occasions, and he's an evil genius.
19:17 You're right, Mom.
19:19 I'm sure if we put our minds to it, we can solve this one, too.
19:26 Bart, look at this
19:29 What a perfect plan Now,
19:32 Roger Myers' hotel is just And so when no one could think of a plan To resurrect Itchy and
19:38 Scratchy A young boy A wonderful,
19:41 irrepressible young boy Took it on his own To solve the problem He discovered that
19:47 the postal service's Mr.
19:49 Zip Was just a rip off of my father's stick figure character, Manic Mailman.
19:56 So the government gave me a huge cash settlement,
20:01 and Itchy and Scratchy Studios is back in business.
20:06 Thanks to you, Lester.
20:11 What the hell is going on? I don't know,
20:15 but it looks like you might have a little competition all of a sudden.
20:19 Thanks, everybody.
20:20 But I couldn't have done all this without the help of my brainy sister Eliza.
20:28 I too owe many thanks to Lester and Eliza.
20:31 This is a great vindication for anybody who was ever taking a bath,
20:35 went to get the paper, fell down,
20:37 and had the door slam behind them and the doorknob break off.
20:40 And I'd like to thank Lester for reuniting me with my estranged wife.
20:46 I never even heard about that. I don't understand it.
20:49 We're always the ones who solve these problems.
20:54 I guess you don't need it now, but we had a plan, too.
20:57 Hey, great. Listen, write it down and mail it to last week when I might have cared.
21:02 I've got cartoons to make, kids.
21:06 It's a cartoon show.
21:32 You kids must be so happy. Your cute little cartoon friends are back on the air.
21:37 Yes, well, technically everything worked out all right, but...
21:40 But?
21:41 Well, I wasn't the one who solved the problem, and neither was Lisa.
21:45 There's something unsettling about that.
21:49 Thank you.
22:40 Shhh.
22:48 Thank you.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mr. Burns, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Ralph Wiggum, Snowball II, Comic Book Guy, Itchy, Scratchy, Lionel Hutz, Blue-Haired Lawyer, Roy Snyder, Santa Claus, Roger Meyers Jr., Theodore Roosevelt, Eliza, Chester J. Lampwick, Disgruntled Goat, Roger Meyers Sr., Amendment To Be, David Brinkley, Irishman, Lester, Suzanne Somers

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character