The Old Man and the C" Student"

The Simpsons, season 10, episode 20. First aired April 25, 1999. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Mom and Pop Art Monty Can't Buy Me Love → The whole episode as text

From “The Old Man and the C" Student"”: “to make your stay here tolerable. Yes, you'll be completely above the law.” — to make your stay here tolerable. Yes, you'll be completely above the law.

Caption it, or make a GIF

About the episode

Springfield is in the running for the Olympics until Bart's offensive comedy routine insults the visiting committee and sinks the town's bid. As punishment, Bart does community service at the Springfield Retirement Castle, where he frees the residents from their dull schedule and takes them on outings. Homer flushes a thousand springs left over from his Olympic mascot, which proves useful when the seniors' boat trip goes wrong.

Written by: Julie Thacker
Directed by: Mark Kirkland
Guest stars: Jack LaLanne
Chalkboard gag: Loose teeth don't need my help
Couch gag: Theatre
Production code: AABF16

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

357 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 The Simpsons
0:36 Let's go.
1:00 Eek, eek.
1:08 Excuse me, first day, excuse me.
1:25 Ah, but Perry would make a tre bon site for the next Olympic Games.
1:30 And why is that?
1:31 We don't have to explain ourselves to the likes of you.
1:35 I await your reply.
1:37 I recommend Moscow where the American dollar buys seven rubles
1:42 12 rubles 60 rubles 1000 rubles I must go are you suggest
1:48 Motown Detroit?
1:50 No, no Mongolia town home of the Motown sound
1:56 You are all crazy the answer is Buenos Aires I got
2:00 people people please you're forgetting what the Olympics are all about
2:05 giving out medals of beautiful gold, so-so silver, and shameful bronze.
2:11 It's so true.
2:12 It's so right. I have here a letter from a little girl named Lisa Simpson.
2:18 She says her town might not be important enough to host the Olympics,
2:22 but she asks if the torch could just pass by,
2:26 so she can experience the glow that we feel every day.
2:31 Well, I say we don't bring her the torch.
2:34 I say we bring her the Olympic Games.
2:38 Who is with me?
2:42 Well, I don't care. It's my decision.
2:44 Springfield was shocked today to learn it will host the next Olympics.
2:48 Economists predict our city will experience the same boom that Sarajevo enjoyed after the
2:52 1984 Games. And that's all because of your letter, Lisa.
2:56 Well, actually, I just wrote it for a school assignment.
2:59 Everyone else wrote to the Backstreet Boys.
3:02 To honor the arrival of our foreign friends and enemies,
3:04 Channel 6 is sponsoring a contest to find a Springfield Olympic mascot.
3:09 The winner will join such other memorable mascots as the Atlanta What's It and the
3:14 Montreal Vampire.
3:15 A mascot contest?
3:17 I'm sure to win that.
3:19 Unless one of you jinxes me. No one's gonna jinx you, Homer.
3:23 In fact, we're rooting for you. Yeah, go for the gold, Dad.
3:26 Shut up, shut up, shut up!
3:30 Well, you said I couldn't do it, but here it is.
3:33 Meet Abby the Olympic tabby.
3:36 How'd you get the eyes to move?
3:39 You paper mache-ed my cat?
3:41 Just for the prototype, honey.
3:48 Knowing you always ate my first idea, I prepared a backup.
3:52 How about a big Olympic hello for Springy, the Springfield Spring?
3:58 Those aren't the dog's eyes, are they?
4:00 Hey, that's cute.
4:02 Good work, Dad. It's fun for the whole family,
4:05 and the ends are razor sharp to protect our nation and its interests.
4:09 Ow!
4:10 God bless America!
4:28 Hit the road, Lefty. You too, Rizzo.
4:31 Oh, Cinnamon.
4:32 Don't make this harder than it already is.
4:45 Bravo, Springfield.
4:47 I've never seen such a clean sewer.
4:51 And we are positively inspired by your soda power plant.
4:55 Yes, love that sun, man.
4:57 And we will do anything, including but not limited to anything,
5:01 to make your stay here tolerable. Yes, you'll be completely above the law.
5:05 Women, guns, cash, whatever you need, it's yours.
5:13 And that's not all. We've just chosen our official Olympic mascot.
5:21 They picked Springy!
5:23 In your face, Patty and Selma.
5:26 Well, we still love you, Siggy.
5:28 Yeah.
5:31 Mmm, that glue really gives it a pop. And now,
5:36 because the children are our future,
5:39 here are the children of Springfield Elementary with a song they call The Children
5:44 Are Our Future. Children?
5:51 Children, children, future, future.
5:58 Are you ready for the children?
6:01 Whoa, whoa, whoa.
6:02 The future is a coming.
6:04 Hey, hey, hey.
6:06 Children.
6:09 Future.
6:12 I've never wanted a beer worse in my life.
6:16 I love you, honey.
6:19 Are you talking to me or the beer?
6:21 To you, my bubbly, long-necked, beach-wood-aged lover.
6:25 Children, children, children are the future.
6:35 Kids!
6:40 Muy bueno.
6:42 It gives me great pride to officially declare the next Olympics will be
6:47 held right here in... Wait, wait, we have one more act.
6:51 The patriotic comedy stylings of Bart Simpson.
6:55 Oh, sorry.
6:56 Thank you, thank you.
6:58 So, uh, you're from Russia, huh?
7:00 Duh!
7:01 You drunk yet?
7:02 Duh.
7:03 Poland, eh? Ha, too easy.
7:05 How you doing, Germany?
7:06 Here's my impression of an East German woman.
7:10 Kiss me or I'll crush you.
7:15 He says what we're all thinking. I'm not thinking that.
7:19 Hey, Swiss Miss.
7:20 There's no missing you, babe. Ha, ha, lay off the cocoa.
7:25 It's a souvenir!
7:27 Now I'd like to say one last thing to our Olympic representatives.
7:31 If there was a medal for horrible audiences, you'd get the gold.
7:35 Peace out!
7:47 Skinner!
7:48 How could you put this boy on with that horrible material?
7:52 Well, it really did seem funny in rehearsal.
7:54 And he didn't even get to his eubangy routine.
7:59 Ha, ha, ha. Laugh it up, you punks.
8:02 Cause you and Jan Murray here just cost our town the Olympics.
8:06 Hey, Chalmers, where are you from?
8:08 Oh, well, I was born in Queens, went to Ball State,
8:11 then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania.
8:14 Why do you ask? Don't worry, sir. I'll teach these children some respect for their town.
8:19 I'm assigning each of you 20 hours of community service.
8:22 Oh, no!
8:23 No, no!
8:25 Intercourse?
8:26 What if we refuse?
8:28 You won't pass to the next grade.
8:30 I fail to see the threat.
8:32 Skinner!
8:33 Good idea.
8:34 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my vacation at Lake Titicaca.
8:38 Let's see you make a joke out of that, Mr.
8:40 Smart Guy.
8:44 All right, Martin. For your community service,
8:46 you'll be setting up a midnight basketball program for inner-city street games.
8:54 All right, gang. Shirts and skins. Let's hustle.
9:01 Milhouse, do you like the beach? Who doesn't?
9:05 Good.
9:07 I want you to pick up all this medical waste that's washed up on the shore here.
9:13 Ow!
9:14 I pricked myself.
9:16 Well, just keep working.
9:17 You'll prick yourself with the antidote sooner or later.
9:23 What are you gonna do to me?
9:24 Bart, not all community services, gang warfare, and dangerous infection.
9:29 And to illustrate that point, here's where you'll be working.
9:32 The fireworks, candy, and puppy dog store?
9:38 No, no, no. Next to it.
9:43 Settle a bit.
9:44 Boil or mole?
9:46 Eww.
9:52 Okay, just breathe through your mouth and don't ask how they're feeling.
10:03 Oh, man.
10:06 Oh,
10:11 an orange, please, a bottle. Let's pull the skin.
10:14 Come on! Look at this. Oh, be a dear and snap my support hose to my girdle.
10:21 Two o'clock, recreation time.
10:24 Phew, stayed by the bill.
10:25 Where do you think you're going?
10:32 Oh no, Lise, they got you too?
10:35 Got me? What are you talking about? I've been volunteering here for a year.
10:38 Hello, let's hear some numbers.
10:40 I got a nice diagonal going here.
10:44 B3.
10:45 You suck my battleship.
10:49 G-52.
10:50 You suck my battleship.
10:54 Oh, I got a bingo!
10:56 What do I win? A banana!
10:58 A whole one? Yep.
11:00 That's the prize, a banana?
11:02 Their natural mushiness prevents choking and promotes regularity.
11:06 They're not babies, Lisa. Give them something fun, like cigars or booze.
11:10 We tried giving them eggnog at Christmas, but it led to widespread deshawling.
11:14 Well, that's what they get for wearing such tight little shawls.
11:21 Okay, four o'clock, nap time.
11:24 You tell them when to sleep?
11:26 Shh, don't wake them.
11:31 While they sleep, we suck up excess dirt and crumbs.
11:35 Here you go, make sure you get into every crevice.
11:40 Cool.
11:41 Grandpa?
11:42 Boomer.
11:44 Grandpa Homer.
11:46 Don't play with the faces.
11:51 So, Bart, how was your first day of forced volunteerism?
11:55 That place sucks.
11:56 The nurses don't let Grandpa do anything.
11:59 They practically chew his food for him.
12:01 Let's get stiff.
12:02 I'm working my ass off here.
12:05 Good steak, honey.
12:06 The elderly aren't like you or me, Bart.
12:08 They thrive on consistency, predictability, and a life with no surprises.
12:12 Sounds good to me.
12:15 I'll get it.
12:17 Delivery for Homer Simpson.
12:24 Woohoo! My springs, they finally came.
12:26 But we lost the Olympics to Shelbyville.
12:29 Yeah, but I should have no problem selling a thousand springs.
12:32 To who?
12:33 Idiots.
12:34 Ooh, these are fun.
12:39 Oh, Red.
12:41 Rhett? Rhett?
12:42 Oh, Rhett.
12:43 Where will I go?
12:45 What'll I do?
12:46 Frankly, my dear, I love you. Let's remarry.
12:52 Oh, what a lovely ending.
12:56 They cut out the best word.
12:58 Isn't that movie used to have a war in it?
13:01 Come on, you've been warned.
13:04 Picture yourself on a beautiful sailboat.
13:07 Ah, can't you just feel the sea breeze in your hair?
13:12 Or scalps?
13:14 Say, I hear a foghorn!
13:17 Boring!
13:19 Come on, Bart, we don't want to overstimulate these people.
13:21 They just had pudding.
13:26 Hello, little girl, is your mommy home? You'll need to ask her for five dollars to buy Mr.
13:31 Bouncy Best Friend.
13:32 I know you. Your little smart-mouthed boy cost his town the Olympics!
13:38 Who is it, Mother?
13:39 Bart Simpson's father. Oh, I'll be right down.
13:50 Boy, Lenny, you sure look hungry. Have some nuts.
13:55 Hey, thanks.
13:56 Ow!
13:56 My eye!
13:57 Ow!
14:00 Now, if you want to be the life of the party like Lenny here,
14:03 Just place your order for this hilarious novelty item.
14:07 Homer, get out of here.
14:09 Why, Moe, you sure look angry.
14:11 Here, have some nuts. Hey, thanks.
14:14 Ow!
14:15 God, my eye!
14:16 I'll get it out!
14:18 Jeez!
14:19 Ow!
14:20 Don't pull! Don't pull!
14:22 I said don't pull!
14:25 Don't!
14:26 Now we're pulling into port.
14:29 And who's waiting for us at the dock? Why, it's all your childhood dogs.
14:34 I see Petey and Blacky and Schnoodle and...
14:37 Oh, no!
14:37 Pirates! Pirates? Ahoy, mateys! It's me, Long Bart Silver,
14:41 and I'm gonna rip you a new IV hole.
14:44 Bart, what are you doing?
14:45 I'm just trying to liven things up around here.
14:48 These people need to ride motorcycles and play rockin' electric guitars like the old
14:51 people on TV.
14:53 Excuse me, but when those pirates boarded, I swallowed my wedding ring for safekeeping.
14:58 Get me some hippocack. I'd like to expunge it.
15:02 Okay, she's gone. Let's break out here and have some fun.
15:04 Should we ask someone... Get up! Somebody will take my chair.
15:09 Got that right. It's the only one left with padding.
15:12 Padding.
15:14 What about you, Chief?
15:15 Don't you want to be free like the eagle?
15:18 I don't live here. I'm just dropping off Indian casino pamphlets.
15:22 Vote yes on Prop 217.
15:29 You know the door was open, Chief.
15:32 Break everything.
15:34 Come on, people. You don't want to stay in a place where they vacuum you while you sleep.
15:38 They do what now?
15:39 Now's our chance. Let's go!
15:42 I'm gonna run over here, right?
15:47 Oh, no.
15:49 Bart is still on the elderly.
15:52 Forgot my hat.
16:12 MUSIC PLAYS
16:23 Much for money, money can't buy me love
16:27 I'll give you all I've got to give If you say you love me too I
16:33 may not have a lot to give But won't I?
16:36 I'll give to you I don't care too Much for money,
16:41 money can't buy me love
16:44 Ow!
16:45 Today's grass is far sharper than the grass in my day.
16:49 Hey everybody, how'd you like to go on a real boat trip?
16:51 Oh, that was not there.
16:59 Yarr, not a looker among them.
17:01 Full speed ahead. Damn the torpedoes.
17:05 What do you say? Put on our tuxedos. I want some taquetos.
17:09 Welcome to the Kitchen of Tomorrow.
17:12 Today, Marge, how much would you pay for a self-flipping hamburger pan?
17:16 Nothing.
17:17 Don't answer yet.
17:18 Watch how easy it is to flip hamburgers with the help of God's greatest creation,
17:22 the spring.
17:23 Now watch this.
17:35 Are you okay?
17:37 Some second-degree burns, but some first-class burgers.
17:40 Hmm.
17:41 I want you to get rid of these springs.
17:44 But you haven't seen the baby of tomorrow.
17:46 Ta-da!
17:48 Now if I drop her, no more tears!
17:53 Give me my baby!
17:55 Eat up, Marge, I'm going to the hole!
18:00 I want these springs out of our house today!
18:04 You flush one down, it swirls around
18:09 999 springs to flush down You're not flushing those springs down our toilet, are you?
18:14 Of course not!
18:17 996 rings to flight down, 996 rings.
18:26 Oh, Abe, you danced divinely.
18:30 I haven't felt this relaxed and carefree since I was much commander at Pearl Harbor.
18:36 Aw, geez, this place used to be crawling with Russian subs.
18:39 Now there's just four.
18:42 Ah, sea head!
18:44 Bart Simpson!
18:47 Bart, are you crazy?
18:49 You've got to get the old folks home to the old folks home.
18:52 No way.
18:54 They're finally having some fun.
18:56 How low can I go?
19:00 That's it.
19:01 Gee, Bart, maybe you're right.
19:03 They don't even seem to care that it's medication time.
19:06 Medication time? Hot dog. Gimme, gimme, gimme.
19:09 I want some meal.
19:11 But I've set you free. No more nap time, no more bingo.
19:15 You can do whatever you want.
19:18 Let's play bingo. Yeah, let's play bingo.
19:21 You took my battleship.
19:25 Oh.
19:30 Now, Smithies, you say you painted all your navy buddies this way?
19:34 Until I was discharged, sir.
19:40 I don't get it, Grandpa. If you guys like all that boring stuff,
19:44 why did you follow me out here?
19:46 Gotta do something, Tilpingo.
19:52 How could you miss that huge boat coming right at us?
19:56 Oh, two glass eyes.
20:03 Oh, it's not fair. I'm not supposed to die now.
20:06 I'm supposed to die in a foolish motorcycle stunt at the age of 15.
20:09 Ha-ha!
20:11 You're not dead yet, you pudgy little pisher.
20:13 Jack LaLane?
20:15 Don't worry. I'll save you the Jack LaLane way.
20:34 Uh-oh.
20:38 This is all Bart's fault. Let's get him.
20:40 I blame him.
20:42 I want some taquetos. Leave him alone.
20:45 Sure, Bart's responsible for our deaths.
20:48 But he gave us the most fun we had in 20 years.
20:52 So before we go to our watery graves, I stink the...
21:12 What the heck's going on?
21:16 135 springs to flight down, 135 springs!
21:27 Ah, what a shame. Not a looker in the bunch.
21:33 So you working tomorrow at the home, Bart?
21:37 Well, I've finished my community service.
21:40 Oh, right.
21:42 But I could swing by after school.
21:45 I'll bring the limbo stick.
21:46 Hot diggity!
21:50 La, la, la, la, la, la, la! Hey, stop shaking the harness!
21:54 Oh, no, can I go!
22:01 Say don't lean on down a tree and I'll be satisfied.
22:06 Tell me that you want the kind of things that money just can't buy.
22:12 I don't care too much for money.
22:15 Money can buy me love.
22:35 Baby love,
22:38 love, baby love

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Nelson Muntz, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Jasper Beardsley, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Patty Bouvier, Reverend Lovejoy, Selma Bouvier, Groundskeeper Willie, Lou, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Richard, Jimbo Jones, Eddie, Maude Flanders, Snowball II, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Mayor Quimby, Kirk Van Houten, Janey Powell, Larry Dalrymple, Hans Moleman, Luann Van Houten, Helen Lovejoy, Sam, Adrian Belew, Bernice Hibbert, Agnes Skinner, Horatio McCallister, Gareth Prince, Superintendent Chalmers, Gloria Prince, Old Jewish Man, Raphael, Ms. Albright, Sara, Dorothy, Clark Gable, Jack LaLanne, Springy

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character