They Saved Lisa's Brain

The Simpsons, season 10, episode 22. First aired May 9, 1999. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

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From “They Saved Lisa's Brain”: “Take that!” — Take that!

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About the episode

Disgusted by a radio contest that rewards the dumbest stunt, Lisa writes to the newspaper about Springfield's coarse tastes and is recruited by the town's Mensa chapter. When Mayor Quimby flees, Lisa, Comic Book Guy, Dr. Hibbert, Lindsey Naegle, Principal Skinner and Professor Frink take over the city government. Their reforms soon dissolve into squabbling, and Stephen Hawking shows up to scold them.

Written by: Matt Selman
Directed by: Pete Michels
Guest stars: Stephen Hawking
Chalkboard gag: No one wants to hear from my armpits
Couch gag: Titanic
Production code: AABF18

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

383 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 The Simpsons
0:39 Let's go.
1:00 Eek, eek.
1:04 Don't!
1:24 You promised to stop watching that telly and take me on holiday.
1:27 Shut up, your mouth!
1:30 Ethnic Mismatch Comedy number 644 has been canceled.
1:35 While we scramble to find new programming,
1:37 please enjoy this encore presentation of Princess Di's Funeral.
1:41 I was really starting to enjoy Ethnic Mismatch Comedy number 644.
1:46 I've never heard so many Viagra jokes in 30 seconds.
1:50 Shut up, your mouth!
1:53 Attention, Springfield! How low will you go?
1:58 ...to win a trip to Hawaii!
2:01 This Saturday, our judges will select the lowest,
2:03 most disgusting nitwit in town and send them straight to Maui.
2:07 Sponsored by Grandma Plopwell's,
2:09 the low-fat pudding that's approved for sale by the government.
2:14 All right, a gross-out contest. Grandma Plopwell, you've done it again.
2:21 Here for a free sample.
2:23 Thank you.
2:26 Mmm, for low fat, this pudding's pretty good.
2:29 Mmm, mmm.
2:30 I can feel the pounds just melting off.
2:33 Our new hypersugar gives you 300% of your minimum daily sweetness requirement.
2:37 Mmm, do you suffer from diabetes?
2:40 D-d-d-d-d-d-d-dow. Well, you do now.
2:45 We're here live from the KBBL parking lot to see...
2:48 How low will you go?
2:51 Our most disgusting contestant will win a free trip to Hartford, Connecticut.
2:56 I thought it was Hawaii.
2:58 No one said Hawaii.
2:59 Now let's get stupid with our first contestant, the Human Garbage Disposal.
3:04 Ladles and jelly spoons, I will now take Going Low to new heights.
3:08 I will swallow anything, and I need anything you people throw.
3:17 Please, no more spark plugs. Lisa, would you like a penny to throw at your brother?
3:21 Unbelievable.
3:22 We're rewarding people for acting like buffoons.
3:24 Young lady, this may be the high point of Bart's life.
3:28 Cut him some slack.
3:36 Oh, why? That wasn't a trick.
3:39 I was gonna juggle chickens.
3:43 Next up,
3:44 Homer and his amazing Redenbacher dreamcoat with a number he calls Colonel Knowledge.
3:51 I'm hot buttered, chicken and sea.
3:54 I got a fever off for 53.
3:58 I'm hot, so very hot.
4:02 Four...
4:03 Oh,
4:04 this is so
4:09 embarrassing.
4:11 Lisa, did anyone force you to come here today?
4:13 You?
4:14 Well, no one's forcing you to stay. Okay, I'm leaving.
4:17 Oh, you're not going anywhere, Missy.
4:22 But it's me, Moe, wearing a sailor suit.
4:25 Moe, with a lolly.
4:27 It's so out of character.
4:29 Ain't that worth nothing?
4:32 All right, judges, who is our winner?
4:36 The winner is me for being seen with you freaks.
4:39 Judges can't win the contest.
4:42 Boo!
4:43 You have robbed us of our dignity.
4:46 What are you to... Gah! A urinal cake!
4:49 You, sir, have crossed the line.
4:57 People, stop!
4:58 Stop!
4:59 We're not animals!
5:06 Take that!
5:21 An open letter to the people of Springfield.
5:23 Today, our town lost what remained of its fragile civility,
5:27 drowned in a sea of low-fat pudding. Look, I got runner-up prize.
5:31 You won second place? No, but I got it.
5:35 Stealing is wrong.
5:38 Free boudoir photography.
5:41 Sweet.
5:46 Hmm.
5:51 Oh, right.
5:54 We are a town of low brows, no brows, and ignorami.
5:57 We have eight malls, but no symphony.
6:00 Thirty-two bars, but no alternative theater.
6:03 Thirteen stores that begin with le sex.
6:06 I write this letter not to nag or whine, but to prod.
6:10 We can better ourselves.
6:12 Yeehaw!
6:14 Well, most of us.
6:20 Dad, did you see anything provocative in today's paper?
6:23 Yes, there's a real think piece here about a bra sale.
6:26 Dad, stop kidding around. Look, they printed my letter.
6:29 Hey, that is wonderful, sweetie. I'm gonna read it.
6:32 Just as soon as I finish what I'm doing here.
6:38 Well, I'm sure someone had the time to read it.
6:42 I envy them.
6:44 Hi, Mr. Flanders. I see you're reading the newspaper.
6:48 Everything but the opinion page. I don't need to be told what to think.
6:52 By anyone living.
6:54 Chief Wiggum! Oh, you sure got a lot of copies of the paper.
6:59 Yeah, I need to housebreak our new police dog.
7:01 Plus, it couldn't hurt Ralphie to brush up on the fundamentals.
7:05 Daddy says I'm this close to living in the yard.
7:09 Doesn't anybody in this town read? Oh, hello, Lisa.
7:13 Can you recommend any books for my mobile?
7:16 Oh, absolutely.
7:18 Well, you know anything by Jane Austen.
7:21 Jane Austen.
7:22 Thanks, Lisa.
7:23 I'll get right on it.
7:32 We read your letter with great interest.
7:34 If you wish to learn more, go to 13 Euclid Street.
7:37 Tell no one and bring a dessert.
7:42 Hey, Lise.
7:43 Whoa!
7:50 Lisa Simpson, are you ready to go on a voyage of intellectual self-discovery?
7:56 I think so.
7:58 Is that a pie or a quiche?
8:00 A pie.
8:03 You may enter.
8:07 Welcome to Mensa, Lisa.
8:09 It's the organization for people with high IQs.
8:12 I know that. It's also a constellation visible only from the southern hemisphere.
8:16 She's good.
8:17 She's very good.
8:19 And she brought a cream pie.
8:25 You want me to join Mensa? Oh, that's wonderful.
8:29 But don't I have to take some sort of IQ test?
8:31 No, Lisa, you're more than qualified.
8:33 I've shared all your standardized test scores with the other members.
8:36 Aren't those supposed to be confidential?
8:38 Welcome to Mensa.
8:39 You've joined such luminaries as cartoonist Mel Lazarus, Gina Davis,
8:43 and Parade Magazine's Marilyn Vosavant.
8:46 Each the tops in his or her field.
8:48 Except for Mel Lazarus.
8:50 Wow, I'm so honored you wanted me. Well,
8:53 it was your delightfully condescending letter that put you over the top.
8:56 Lindsay Nagel, Advanced Capital Ventures.
8:58 Oh, what do you produce?
8:59 Synergy. And books on how to cheat at Bridge.
9:02 Lisa, I think you'll really enjoy it here.
9:04 Now, let's get down to business.
9:06 Any new palindromes? Ahem.
9:09 Rise to vote, sir.
9:10 Now, you know the agenda.
9:12 Palindromes, anagrams, eat Lisa's pie, then voting.
9:14 But rise to vote, sir, is a palindrome. Good voting, she's right.
9:18 Lisa, I think you're gonna fit in just fine around here.
9:23 Wow, me, fit in.
9:34 Hello.
9:35 I have a certificate for a free erotic photo session.
9:39 Oh, yes. Your name? Uh, Geraldo Simpson.
9:44 All right, Mr. Simpson. Ah! Who told you?
9:46 Don't worry. These photos are perfectly legal.
9:49 Many husbands use them as a romantic gift for their wives.
9:52 Uh, you're not going to ask me to pose nude, are you?
9:55 Well, yes, unless you have some issues with revealing your body.
9:58 Well, I don't, but the Block Association seems to...
10:01 They wanted a traditional Santa Claus.
10:06 I can't believe how they're dumbing down the Springfield Library.
10:10 They've gotten rid of the English literature section and replaced it with a make-your-own
10:14 Sunday bar.
10:15 I heard they got rid of the reference desk to make room for an air hockey table.
10:19 Even the microfilm?
10:20 Even the microfiche.
10:23 My family never talks about library standards.
10:26 And every time I try to steer the conversation that way, they make me feel like a nerd.
10:31 We are hardly nerds. Would a nerd wear such an irreverent sweatshirt?
10:34 C-Doss. C-Doss, run. Run, Doss, run.
10:39 Oh, only one person in a million would find that funny.
10:42 Yes, we call that the Dennis Miller ratio.
10:45 Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.
10:49 Oh, Dad, I just spent the day with the most wonderful people.
10:52 Oh, that's great, honey. You tell me everything you can before the commercial's over.
10:57 Well, for the first time in my life, I feel that someone understands.
11:02 Are you ready in there, Mr. Simpson?
11:04 Are you sure you're a fully accredited and bonded pornographer?
11:08 Just come out.
11:10 Please be kind.
11:12 You look fantastic.
11:14 Let me just adjust my lens here.
11:18 Now you're sure this will save my marriage?
11:21 Try not to speak. It's making your body ripple.
11:28 Dad?
11:29 Dad, are you home?
11:35 Fine, I don't care what you're doing.
11:42 Don't look, don't look, don't look!
11:44 Okay, I think he's gone.
11:48 Let's reschedule.
11:51 This is so cool. I feel like I'm back in the Renaissance.
11:54 Please stay in character, gentle wench. Verily,
11:57 I declare that the earth revolves around the sun, and not t'other way round.
12:02 Stop looking down my blouse, Copernicus.
12:04 For sooth mine eyes doth rove of their own accord.
12:07 Zales!
12:08 Someone took our gazebo.
12:11 No, no, that's impossible. We reserved it months ago.
12:14 Someone should stand up to them.
12:16 Oh, dear.
12:18 Oh, I'll do it.
12:20 Excuse me, gentlemen.
12:21 Might I take a peek at your gazebo reservation forum?
12:24 Beat it!
12:25 Yes, well, we each have a good case. What part of beat it didn't you understand?
12:30 I guess it would be the it. I'm not exactly sure to what that refers.
12:35 It's a... Ow!
12:36 Oh, it's hopeless.
12:37 There's some, uh, she-males in gazebo three, a nasty-looking spider in gazebo six,
12:43 and the less said about gazebo eight, the better.
12:46 Ah, Chief, thank God you're here. We reserve gazebo seven and look.
12:50 Jeez, how many gazebos do you shemales need?
12:55 Bear me, boys.
12:57 Why do we live in a town where the smartest have no power, the stupidest run everything?
13:02 Maybe I should just move back to Alabama.
13:04 No, we should fix things here. If we put our minds to it,
13:07 there's no limit to what we can accomplish.
13:09 I think the girls are right.
13:17 The jig is up, Quimby. Oh, God!
13:19 When you see what's in this report, things are going to change in this town.
13:24 I earned that lot of money. I swear.
13:34 Faster, you moron!
13:43 Well, that was unexpected.
13:45 What's going on? Where's the mayor?
13:47 He skipped town.
13:48 Really?
13:49 So, who's in charge?
13:51 Well, that's a good question. Let's take a quick look at the town charter.
13:59 Done. Done.
14:00 Finished.
14:02 According to the charter, should the mayor abdicate,
14:04 the Council of Learned Citizens may rule in his stead.
14:07 Well, there's no one more learned than us.
14:09 So I guess... we're in charge.
14:13 What?
14:14 Let me see that. See here.
14:16 We the people, cruel and unusual, blah, blah, blah.
14:20 Ritual circumcision, yuck, yuck, yuck.
14:22 Geez, I'll take your word for it.
14:24 I guess you are in charge.
14:26 Yay!
14:27 With our superior intellects,
14:29 we could rebuild this city on a foundation of reason and enlightenment.
14:32 We could turn Springfield into a utopia.
14:34 A new Athens.
14:36 Or Walden, too. Yeah, a real candy land.
14:41 Of the mind, the mind.
14:43 I'll just go now.
14:44 Bunch of darts.
14:48 This is Kent Brockman at City Hall, where the intellectual junta,
14:51 known as the Bright Pack, has been running this town for the better part of three days.
14:57 So, Lisa, what do you and your fellow eggheads have planned for the city?
15:01 Business as usual? No, Kent.
15:03 We're gonna use the power of good ideas to change things for the better.
15:06 Well, excuse this jaded reporter if he says he's heard that before.
15:10 Oh, well, we really mean it.
15:11 You do?
15:12 Yes.
15:13 For example, no one was showing up for jury duty,
15:16 so we made the experience more exciting by synergizing it with his comic book collection.
15:21 You have been chosen to join the Justice Squadron 8 a.m.
15:25 Monday at the Municipal Fortress of Vengeance.
15:29 Oh, I am so there.
15:30 We studied traffic patterns and found that drivers move the fastest through yellow lights.
15:35 So now we just have the red and yellow lights.
15:44 Come on!
15:45 Stay yellow! Stay yellow!
15:48 Man, I'm making record time. If only I had some place to be.
15:52 And we've really elevated the level of discourse at the dog track.
15:56 We replaced the fanfare with classical music, and instead of chasing a rabbit,
16:01 the dogs chase a diploma.
16:03 The world has already taken note of our accomplishments.
16:06 Springfield has moved up to number 299 on the list of America's 300 most livable cities.
16:12 Take that, East St. Louis.
16:17 Gee, you said you were gonna make me look sexier, but it's awfully dark in here.
16:21 Light is not your friend.
16:24 All right, let's do this thing. It's time to get Homer erotic.
16:34 Okay, next item of business is our weekly progress report.
16:38 Principal Skinner, how's your transportation project coming?
16:40 Oh, excellent.
16:41 Not only are the trains now running on time, they're running on metric time.
16:45 Remember this moment, people. 80 past 2 on April 47th.
16:49 It's the dawn of an enlightened Springfield.
16:52 Excellent.
16:53 Now, next week is our state of the city address.
16:55 Has everyone finalized their proposals?
16:57 Well, first of all, I have a plan to eliminate obesity in females.
17:01 Oh, please.
17:02 For a nickel a person tax increase, we could build a theater for shadow puppets.
17:05 Balinese or Thai?
17:07 Why not both? Then everybody's happy. Oh, yeah.
17:09 Everyone's real happy then.
17:11 Do I detect a note of sarcasm? Are you kidding me?
17:14 This baby is off the charts. Oh, a sarcasm detector.
17:18 That's a really useful invention.
17:21 Oh, this is really the person that people don't...
17:24 Marge, oh, Marge.
17:27 I've got something for you.
17:30 Oh, homie. Houston, we have a problem.
17:33 A sexy problem.
17:35 Oh, me? Well, look at you.
17:39 I'm gonna maul you.
17:41 Oh, I've never seen the sight of you. But I like it.
17:49 Whoa, whoa, look at those silk pillows.
17:53 It's like the set of some high-class porno film.
17:56 No, no, it's just our basement.
17:59 Hold on.
18:00 That's our basement?
18:02 Yeah, so? Come on. More kissing.
18:05 It looks so elegant.
18:06 And all it takes are some lace curtains and a beaded lampshade.
18:09 You've got to show me exactly what you did.
18:12 But I was going to score. No, you weren't.
18:16 Welcome, everyone.
18:18 Today we embark on a new era of intelligent governance.
18:22 Governance!
18:27 We have some new rules and regulations that you're just gonna go ape poopy over.
18:31 Professor Frank?
18:32 Hey, well, first of all,
18:33 we're going to ban such barbaric sports as bullfighting and cockfighting.
18:39 Also boxing, both kick and the kind with the gloves there.
18:43 Good.
18:44 And hockey, football, push-ups,
18:46 and anything in general where you have to take off your shirt, which is embarrassing.
18:51 Remember discussing that?
18:54 Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy,
18:56 the Vulcans Breeding will be permitted once every seven years For many of you,
19:01 this will mean much less breeding For me, much, much more You cannot do that, sir!
19:07 You don't have the power!
19:09 Ladies and gentlemen,
19:10 I must apologize This man does not speak for the Council of Alphas We hold you
19:14 subomegaloids in the highest regard When are we going to get to my broccoli juice program?
19:18 Quit butting in, please Your IQ is a mere 155, while mine is a muscular 170.
19:23 I am smart.
19:24 Much smarter than you.
19:26 Hibert!
19:27 You should all do what I say. My IQ is 199 for crying out, Flavin'.
19:31 Ugh!
19:32 198, 197.
19:34 Big deal.
19:35 My IQ is 280.
19:37 Oh!
19:40 Stephen Hawking!
19:41 The world's smartest man!
19:43 What are you doing here? I wanted to see your utopia.
19:46 But now I see it as more of a fruitopia.
19:50 I'm sure what Dr. Hawking means is- Silence.
19:53 I don't need anyone to talk for me, except this voice box.
19:58 You have clearly been corrupted by power.
20:00 For shame. Larry Flint is right! You guys stink!
20:06 I don't know which is the bigger disappointment.
20:09 My failure to formulate a unified field theory, or you.
20:13 I don't like your tone. If you are looking for trouble, you found it.
20:17 Yeah, just try me, you... Oh!
20:21 That was our opening!
20:22 Come on, you idiots! We're taking back this town!
20:25 Let's make litter out of these litterati!
20:28 That's too clever, you! What are they?
20:32 Please stay calm, everyone!
20:37 Time for this hog to fly.
20:41 Wrong fuzzy.
20:50 Help!
21:01 Lisa, thank God you're okay.
21:04 Did you have fun with your robot buddy? Dad!
21:06 Oh, Dr. Hawking, we had such a beautiful dream.
21:10 What went wrong?
21:11 Don't feel bad, Lisa. Sometimes the smartest of us can be the most childish.
21:17 Even you?
21:18 No.
21:18 Not me.
21:20 Never.
21:20 I guess everyone has a different vision for the perfect world.
21:24 Wow, Mom. That's very profound.
21:26 Hey, you read that off my screen.
21:29 Who's up for some beers? I am. That's the smartest thing I've heard all day.
21:35 Your theory of a donut-shaped universe is intriguing, Homer.
21:39 I may have to steal it. Wow,
21:42 I can't believe someone I never heard of is hanging out with a guy like me.
21:46 Alright, it's closing time.
21:48 Who's paying a tab?
21:49 I am.
21:50 I didn't say that. Yes, I did.
21:53 Dope.
22:18 Thank you.
22:41 Larry Flint is right! You guys stink!

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Nelson Muntz, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Jasper Beardsley, Ralph Wiggum, Patty Bouvier, Reverend Lovejoy, Groundskeeper Willie, Lou, Jimbo Jones, Eddie, Miss Hoover, Maude Flanders, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Mayor Quimby, Sideshow Mel, Kirk Van Houten, Larry Dalrymple, Hans Moleman, Luann Van Houten, Helen Lovejoy, Sam, Professor Frink, Agnes Skinner, Horatio McCallister, Comic Book Guy, Snake, Ruth Powers, Dr. Nick, Gareth Prince, Dewey Largo, Superintendent Chalmers, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Sarah Wiggum, Herman Hermann, Gloria Prince, Sanjay Nahasapeemapetilon, Cletus Spuckler, Old Jewish Man, Alice Glick, Lunchlady Dora, Bumblebee Man, Rainier Wolfcastle, Raphael, Brandine Spuckler, Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon, Jack Marley, Ms. Albright, Marty, Lindsey Naegle, Angry Mob, Jimmy the Scumbag, Stephen Hawking

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character